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People were all around him. Quite literally. He felt like he was about to suffocate at any second; something in his chest got tighter the closer he got to his lecture hall.
Go to university, they said. It'll be fun, they said. Yet the first day was nothing fun for him. It was pain and suffering, stuck in a large room with hundreds of people that all decided to speak at the same time about some dumb shit that Tyler couldn't be bothered to listen to.
He sat down in the middle of the lecture hall, sleeves pulled over his hands. He swallowed hard, his eyes glancing around the lecture hall. He was surrounded by people, yet he was alone. He felt alone yet suffocated at the same time. The row he was in was almost empty, yet the ones in front and behind him were filled with people. Tyler dreaded that someone would sit next to him, but he'd feel even worse if everyone decided that he's someone not worth sitting next to. That would've hurt the most.
"Hey, can I sit here?" a voice came from beside him. The voice was calm and weirdly nice. Tyler enjoyed it. He turned his head to look at the stranger, immediately noticing the dark brown eyes and slightly longer dark hair.
"Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, go ahead." Tyler nodded his head, moving his bag from the seat next to him to the ground in front of his feet, his hands shaking the tiniest bit when the stranger sat next to him. "I'm Josh, by the way. You seem cool."
Tyler's brain short-circuited; he simply stared at Josh, eyes wide. The guy he just met, the guy he didn't even really talk to, the guy that just wanted to sit next to him, found him cool? He couldn't really believe it. "I'm Tyler...you seem pretty cool too."
And that day was just the beginning of a not-so-bad year at university. Well, it was still pretty bad, but at least Tyler had Josh with him.
---
Over the few weeks Tyler noticed even more tiny details about Josh. How he ran his hand through his hair, how he bit his lip in thought, how he drummed his fingers against the top of the desk in the lecture hall. How he smiled, laughed. How he seemed to always look for his gaze while in conversations.
It drove him crazy.
Every single thing that happened over those weeks plagued his mind at night. Every small touch, every accidental brush of their knees underneath the table, every noticed stare while parting ways.
"Shit..." mumbled Tyler, his breath hitching as he recalled Josh grabbing his shoulder when they parted yesterday. His face was bright red, eyes focused on the plain ceiling above him. He turned his head to the side, looking at the alarm clock next to him. After Midnight. He needed to sleep, or at least try. But how could he when each time he closes his eyes, the sight of dark brown eyes and that messy dark hair appears right in front of him? How can he close his eyes when he still sees that bright smile, the smile that he won't be able to ever forget?
---
Tyler was too far gone now. He sat in the lounge room of their university, back against the cold, hard wall. He was clutching a rosary, his fingers gently counting every bead. A hard swallow, heart hammering in his chest. How could he feel like this? This wasn't what God had planned for him.
Wasn't it a sin? It was, it was. At least everyone would tell him that. Loving another man was a sin, frowned upon, prohibited. Yet why did it feel so good? Why did this sin make him feel more alive, more human, than anything he's ever done before?
He didn't even notice the steps coming towards him. He didn't notice a certain someone sliding down to sit next to him on the floor. "Tyler?"
There it was. That voice. That sweet voice that could most definitely cure all of Tyler's doubts, all his fears, all his... pain.
Tyler opened his eyes, turning to look at Josh. "Hey Josh...you're early," he said, quickly hiding the rosary up his sleeve, throat tightening with each second he was close to him.
Josh let out a small hum, nodding his head slightly before leaning the back of it against the wall. "Mhm, yeah...just had the thought to be here earlier, get a good spot for the lecture."
Tyler nodded, not looking at Josh. God he hoped that Josh meant a good spot next to him, that they'll be sitting next to eachother like on the very first day. Yet at the same time, he wasn't sure if his heart would survive that, if he even could sit next to him.
"A good spot at the back maybe-" "Or rather a good spot near the middle, closer to the front," Josh cut Tyler off, looking at the other from the corner of those beautiful brown eyes, eyes that Tyler feared he'd get lost in if he looked too close.
"Near the middle, closer to the front?" questioned Tyler, raising an eyebrow as his body turned slightly towards Josh. Josh nodded his head. "Yeah, that's your favorite spot, isn't it?" explained Josh, shrugging. "Besides, those are the spots where we sat together during our first lecture with Mr. Keons...that name is still weird to me, honestly."
"Yeah, how much does someone need to hate their family to give them the last name Keons?" "Right?!" The two looked at each other before bursting out laughing.
Josh's hand landed on Tyler's shoulder, gently shaking the other while laughing. Tyler's heart stopped and then picked up speed. Hell, he could feel it trying to jump out of his chest, wanting to escape, to show itself to Josh, yet Tyler kept it down, acting like this didn't faze him at all.
He kept looking at him, seeing that warm bright smile on his face. His breath caught in his throat, his heart hammering beneath his ribcage. Don't stare at him, don't stare at him, you're making this awkward was all that went through Tyler's head.
Josh turned to look at him, their eyes meeting. Tyler froze in that moment and then turned his gaze away, immediately regretting staring at him. "So..." muttered Tyler, his voice cracking a bit due to the awkward nature. It was just the two of them, sitting on the floor next to each other. How was he supposed to act in that moment?
"So?" asked Josh, leaning in closer to take a look at Tyler's face, trying to catch the others' gaze with his own. Tyler froze, his mouth open before letting out a nervous laugh. "So, uh, how are you even enjoying uni? I...never really asked if you enjoyed it…"
Josh stared at him for a short while, clearly not expecting that question. "It's shit, and I hate it. What kind of question is that?" he answered, a soft laugh coming from him. Tyler laughed nervously, scratching his arm. "right..right...yeah Uni is terrible"
He made it weird. He made it weird and awkward, again. As he always did. He couldn't just say that he enjoyed going to university because Josh was there; he couldn't say that. What if he'd think that he's a freak, that he's weird and creepy and a pervert for even thinking about Josh in that way when they're both men? He can't ruin this, he can't.
Tylers nails dug into the skin on his arm, his gaze never returning to Josh. He bit the inside of his cheek, so hard it drew blood. A soft hand landed on his upper arm. "Hey Tyler...you okay?" asked Josh, gently urging him to turn his way. Their eyes met. Gentle, deep brown eyes meeting lighter, uncertain ones.
The air crackled around them with electricity, or at least that's what it felt like for Tyler. He jerked back a bit, putting distance between Josh and himself.
"Sorry, I...I don't know why I did that," apologized Tyler, once again avoiding eyes. He quickly got up, dusting off his pants and grabbing his bag from the floor. People started flooding the lounge room next to the lecture hall, people from their course.
"Right, uh...we should get going to get those good spots," said Josh, also getting up. He didn't even bother dusting off his pants; he simply pulled his t-shirt down and grabbed his bag.
"Hey Josh," began Tyler, not looking at Josh, "it's really fun hanging out with you.”