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"You are so handsome, my dear. There are few like you, do you know that? So few."
The soothing yet commanding voice made Dirac feel weak. He was not sure as to what made Blackett respect him, let alone fall in love with him.
He was thinking that their... encounter... in the laboratory was going to be something never alluded to again. The thought would have made him sad, but he was more than willing to accept it.
But then he received the package, and he started to think their relationship may actually be something more. Something deeper.
He feels a firm hand on his shoulder, tunneling his mind back to the present. "Are you with me, my love? Your eyes drifted off to space again." Blackett caresses Dirac's shoulder, and the younger man clutches his chest, hugging Blackett tightly.
Blackett moves his hand to Dirac's chin, pulling his face up and moving his mouth towards his lips. Dirac makes an exasperated sound of pleasure. He closes his eyes and starts to hug Blackett's waist with his legs.
It is at that instant it finally occurs to him this relationship is real.
His heart starts to pound. He feels quite ashamed and is suddenly afraid of nothing in particular. They are completely alone, but he feels like he's surrounded. His hands start to twitch. He leans his head into Blackett. His heartrate accelerates even more.
He's so uncomfortable. So scared.
The lights feel too bright. The medium temperature feels too hot and too cold. He's both sweating and freezing. He feels like his chest is being compressed. He feels an anxious tightness in his stomach.
The only noise is the slight buzzing of electricity, but it feels as if there is a cacophonous orchestra of discord blasting in his ears.
Dirac slips off of Blackett as a sudden dizziness starts to overcome him.
He's so overwhelmed.
He feels like the depths of outer space are surrounding him as he blacks out. The last thing he sees is Blackett's face, reddened with concern.
〈φ|ψ〉
Dirac wakes up in a dark, ambient room. He realises it's Blackett's bedroom. He has never been here before, and feels ashamed. Why did his first time have to be like this?
Blackett emerges from another room, carrying a hot drink.
"Oh, Paul! My darling, you're awake! I was very worried!"
Dirac feels his face heat and his stomach twist into a knot. He is so unused to someone caring about him so deeply.
"What happened?"
Blackett tilts his head, contemplating. "I'm not exactly sure. You had a panic attack of some sorts, but I cannot fathom as to why."
Dirac puts his hands on his forehead, pulling at his hair.
"Thank you."
Blackett smiles, before sitting in the bed next to Dirac.
"Of course, my beautiful cosmic ray. My striking gamma burst. I love you so much."
Dirac's dark eyes widen. He does not say anything.
He feels sad.
"Do not feel pressured to return the sentiment. Let me know in your own time, whenever that may be."
He leans in, hugging Paul's side.
"Thank you again... P-Patrick..."
It is at that moment Dirac realises he is in different clothing.
His face flashes with a dark red. That means...
Blackett notices his face and laughs.
"We slept together once, and me changing your sweaty clothes after a major panic attack is what bothers you?"
Dirac looks down.
He nervously kisses Blackett's cheek, before the older man runs his hand through his hair and grabs him, kissing him violently.
He starts moving down from Dirac's face to his neck, then he pulls the shirt he only recently changed Dirac into off. Dirac covers his bare chest in embarrassment, and then Blackett moves away.
"I'm sorry, Paul. I did not mean to overstep. If you are uncomfortable, we can try again another day. Does that sound alright?"
Patrick hands Paul his shirt back, and he fumbles to pull it back over his head.
Paul nods, before stammering out a quiet "yes, I would like that very much."
He manages a small smile.
Blackett closes his eyes and leans in to Paul, pulling a blanket over them and they lie down arms linked.
As he drifts off, Paul murmurs very softly "I love you..."
Patrick does not hear, but he will one day.