Chapter Text
Zent Trauerqual and his first wife were walking down the halls of the Royal Academy. It was just one day before the Interduchy Tournament and, as parents, they were also going to attend the graduation of their first son.
'For some reason, this is making me more anxious than the whole Tournament...' he thought as he walked.
As if on clue, a rhythmic, high-pitched chanting echoed through the corridor, shattering the quiet that reigned in the halls.
"Give it to me, baby!" Intoned -or rather, screamed- a sizeable group of middle duchies archduke candidates.
"Uh huh, uh huh!" Echoed the first prince, basking in the attention.
"Give it to me, baby!"
"Uh huh, uh huh!"
"Give it to me, baby!"
"Uh huh, uh huh!"
Trauerqual stopped, openly frowning at the ridiculous display happening too far for him to immediately intervene but too near to ignore it. "What in the seven's name is that idiot doing?" He whispered to his wife, trying not to move his lips in case someone was looking, "This is the Royal Academy and he's a prince! This behaviour would be barely passable in a hidden room."
As he kept walking, surrounded by admirers, Prince Sigiswald noticed his father. He waved at him and gestured at the girls, shouting to be heard across the hall. "All the girlies say I'm pretty fly."
'...for a white guy!' each and every girl added in her mind.
'I wouldn't even look at him if he wasn't a prince.' thought one.
'He's pretty, but so full of himself...' and so far and so on. They were all courting his status, not him.
None the wiser, Sigiswald started counting his pretenders out loud, probably hoping to impress his parents and anyone walking through the halls. "Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, ...?!"
"Cinco," whispered his head scholar.
"cinco, seis!" Sigiswald finished with a flourish and kept walking aimlessly down the hall.
Trauerqual stared at his son with a strained smile. He was silent, but his wife could feel the subtle tremors in his arm, a telltale sign that he was trying hard to contain his anger.
"My dear, please calm down." She said, after pressing a sound-blocking tool in his hand. "You know it's kinda hard just to get along today, nobles barely acknowledge our status because of the lost Grutrissheit, plus there's the matter of Klassenberg pushing Lady Eglantine for First Queen, no matter who she'd choose to marry... Our subject isn't cool, but he fakes it anyway."
"Should this really make me feel better?"
"He's working hard on something every noble should be proficient in: deception. He might not have a clue and he might not have style, but everything he lacks, well, he makes up in denial..."
"Is he at least aware that his little show is only working on middle and lower duchies' archduke candidates? They would grasp at any chance to get tied with Royalty..."
"He's trying to broaden his support base any way he can. So don't debate, he's a player straight."
"You're grasping at straws, my dear. You know he really doesn't get it anyway. If he keeps going like this, the only support he'll ever have will be from his wives."
"All the more reason why he gotta play the field and keep it real. Otherwise, if he'll be the one to succeed you, all the greater duchies will go 'For you, no way, for you, no way.'"
"So if you don't rate, just overcompensate? Is this his strategy to gain the greater duchies' support even if he has to succeed me without the Grutrissheit?"
"All he needs is to have support, whether he deserves it or not. At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake."
"Ricki Lake?"
"It's a Klassenberg noble that likes to host people making imitations. The world needs wannabes Zent, even if it's just for entertainment."
"Hey, hey, do that brand new thing!" The ruckus down the hall suddenly grew louder as all the girls started to urge Sigiswald to move out in the garden. "Give it to me, baby" "Uh huh, uh huh" "Give it to me, baby" "Uh huh, uh huh" "Give it to me, baby" "Uh huh, uh huh ...And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly" "...for a white guy!"
Both Zent and consort moved to the window to see what the young mob had in mind.
"Speaking of which... has he practiced some new song for the private celebration we'll have later?" Trauerqual asked, remembering the boring song and the subpar performance Sigiswald gave the last time they had a family get-together. "He needs some cool tunes, not just any will suffice."
"He sent his retainer to ask a few musicians for some new scores... a couple of days ago. But they didn't have Ice Cube, so he bought Vanilla Ice... He just chose the least difficult to play."
Trauerqual grimaced. Not because of his wife's words, but because Sigiswald was flying in his highbeast as if he was drunk, likely believing he was doing some amazing acrobatics.
"...Now cruisin' in his Pinto..." He resisted the urge to slap his face. He observed his son spin on himself and getting almost dizzy, while a group of Dunkelfelgers had moved along. "...he sees homies as he pass, but if he looks twice, they're gonna kick his lily ass in a game of ditter..."
The knights tried hard not to laugh at Sigiswald's poor coordination, but said boy thought they were in awe of his agility and started the negotiations. He gestured left and right, talking to the Dunkelfelgers and the girls... And in the end he was sitting in the middle of the garden, waiting as each girl, accompanied by a couple of Dunkelfelgers, tried to steal him.
"I told you... So don't debate, a player straight," Ralfrieda said.
"You know he really doesn't get it anyway..."
"He gotta play the field and keep it real."
As they spoke, one of the knights crashed just outside of the window. He quickly got up, muttering "For you, no way, for you, no way... he'd better keep his promise of promoting ditter." before taking flight again.
"...So if you don't rate, just overcompensate." Said Trauerqual after a stunned silence.
"At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake."
"The world loves wannabes, indeed..."
"Hey, hey, do that brand new thing" could be heard from outside, adding a new grimace on Trauerqual's face.
He turned himself and his wife away from the window, thinking they had tortured himself long enough. He tried to change the subject. "I can't see the one who is already his fiancee among all the girls..."
"Now he's getting a tattoo, yeah, he's getting ink done"
"My dear, what are all these nonsensical words you've been uttering today?"
"It's the latest trend among the students, inventing nonsensical words to describe perfectly common things. In this case, it simply means she is covering the circles on his cape with decorative embroidering."
"Splendid... Did they finally manage to come up with some decent protection circles?"
"Not exactly... they settled for one of the example ones taught in the embroidery classes."
"And which one did they choose?"
"He asked for a thirteen, but they drew a thirty-one..."
Trauerqual exhaled. It was a circle with a strong Earth influence, it was used to promote fertility in new brides. " Good thing she is covering it. What would people think if they saw that circle?"
"Friends say he's tryin' too hard and he's not quite hip, But in his own mind, he's the, he's the dopest trip"
From outside, the same chorus as before could be heard, "Give it to me, baby" "Uh huh, uh huh" "Give it to me, baby" "Uh huh, uh huh" "Give it to me, baby" "Uh huh, uh huh Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis"
Ralfrieda tried to comfort her husband once again, "So don't debate a player straight"
"You know he really doesn't get it anyway"
"Gotta play the field and keep it real"
"For you, no way, for you, no way" was heard from outside.
"So if you don't rate, just overcompensate"
"At least that you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake"
"The world needs wannabes, ah... The world loves wannabes, ah... Let's get some more wannabes, ah..." Trauerqual had a hopeless expression on his face. He materialized his schtappe, visualizing his son trussed up like a fowl.
Ralfrieda seemed to understand what was going through his mind. She nudged him. "Hey, hey, do that brand new thing!"