Chapter Text
“Now is the time to run!” The dark voice bellowed. Tiny legs started a quick pace to safety.
“Run!” The voice said again, this time accompanied by thunder to stress the urgency of the message. “Run, you fools.” But somehow his companions couldn’t run any faster, they couldn’t flee any quicker and they most certainly couldn’t make it to a safe spot in time.
And thus Gandalf the wise closed his eyes and gripped his staff as he hummed a spell. He couldn’t recall the origin of it as much as he could translate the words. All he knew was that Lady Galadriel had given it to him during one of his stays. She had not been married yet, that long ago this event had occurred, and she had not explained to him why he might find need of the spell. All she had told him was that it was a gift he might find useful in future times. It was a gift, so she’d said, that could save him and all of his friends when they could not flee in time and there was no hope any longer.
Why the spell surfaced to the front of his mind was much as a mystery to him as the contents of the spell itself, but he had spoken the words before he could give his deeds a second thought, and a purple glow had enveloped all of his company, from the grumpiest dwarf to the friendly hobbit they’d taken along for the ride.
Once the purple glow was over with, and Gandalf opened his eyes, he noticed that they were seared in the very same meadow. Only there were no orcs enclosing them and no wargs trying to have them for a meal.
Bilbo was the first of them to laugh. “Seems the wargs won’t be having a second breakfast today.” He cackled and the dwarves joined along.
“Good work, Gandalf.” Thorin told the wizard once the laughs had subsided. The dwarf king stood majestically by the wizard’s side.
“It is,” The wizard flattered himself, “Though something about this all feels wrong.”
“What is it?” Thorin looked at him with honest eyes. “Gandalf, you made the orcs disappear.”
“Aye, can’t you use that spell whenever we encounter them?” Dwalin suggested as he meddled with the King and wizard’s affairs.
“It is not as simple as that, master dwarf.” Gandalf said in his dramatic tone. He closed his eyes again as if to feel the earth and test it. Then he opened them again and showed his concern. “Besides, the spell would only work once. It seems I have used it while it might have been better preserved for a later time.”
“But you saved us, Master Gandalf,” Ori chirped happily. “Surely a spell can’t be used wrongly if it saved many lives.”
“That is true, Master Ori.” Gandalf admitted, and he was about to say more when a loud rumbling in the distance caught their attention. They all raised their heads.
“ Sounds like orcs!” Fíli stated, always the one to point out the obvious. If he wouldn’t have, his brother would have said the same thing.
Dori and Nori quickly stepped together, holding hands as they prepared for battle. Dwalin took Ori by the arm and half shoved him behind his back.
“Could they have returned, Gandalf?” Bilbo asked with a trembling voice. “Did your spell just teleport them a few yards away?”
“If it has we better start running.” Gandalf said as he lifted his skirts and led the way. The dwarves and the hobbit followed him keenly, until suddenly Bombur stopped and yelled at the others.
“Wait! They came from this side last time. Let us dive in between the woods.”
The others obliged and soon found that Bombur’s wisdom had saved their skins. Had they continued in Gandalf’s direction they would have become warg meat. But as they had found a safe haven in the bushes and between the trees, they could see how the orcs and wargs run past them, obviously hunting a different prey.
“Do you think we’re safe now, Gandalf?” Bofur asked, but the wizard remained silent and only frowned. Everyone knew that whatever was going on in his mind was something important and conclusive, and it had to do with their own fates.
“By mahal!” Gloin suddenly shouted, and he pointed ahead of him at the orcs in the distance. “There’s a whole group of ‘em under attack.”
The others perched and tried to get a glimpse of the distance.
“He’s right,” Oin said, “There’s at least twelve of ‘em, if not more.”
“Little people,” Nori said in surprise.
“Dwarves.” Thorin concluded.
“What are we waiting for?” Kíli rushed forward with a foolish grin on his face, ready to battle. “We’ve got to help them.”
“Not so fast, brother,” Fíli’s arm blocked his way. He glanced over at their uncle for permission. Thorin stood brooding, obviously needing time to think about this ungodly idea. They were safe where they were, why risk their lives?
“It appears they’ve got a hobbit too.” Gandalf offered, seeing how it would help Thorin make up his mind.
“All right,” The king said with a nod, “Perhaps they will accompany us in our quest to reclaim Erebor. Charge!”
Yelling and shouting happy words of battle, the dwarves charged and rushed towards the orcs who had surrounded a group of dwarves. Clearly, Thorin’s company held the element of surprise, for even when the orcs heard their shouts and saw them approach, they looked rather perplexed and became easy targets. The battle didn’t last very long. Swords hewed, axes chopped and dwarves danced round each other.
It appeared that the other dwarves were excellent at defending themselves and they joined in, making it almost impossible for the orcs and wargs to win. Bofur swirled round Balin, then past Thorin and apologised to Fíli as they almost collided. He was the first to halt.
As the battle continued around him he stood blinking. Had he just apologized to himself? Gandalf joined him by his side and pushed his staff against the dwarf’s shoulder. “What’s gotten you standing there, friend?”
“Gandalf, have I lost my mind?”
“Not quite sure, my friend, but I believe you are perfectly sane.”
“But that was me, wasn’t it?” Bofur asked, eyeing the wizard by his side.
“Ah yes,” Gandalf said, not quite sure how to explain things, “Did you notice they’ve got a lovely long-legged sorceress accompanying them as well?”
When Gandalf joined the fight again, Bofur allowed his eyes to travel past the battle-field and he saw Gandalf hadn’t been wrong. The only disturbing aspect of it was that the sorceress, lean and slender, had a lot in common with their very own wizard.
When eventually the battle was over and most orcs lay dead in heaps on the ground, the dwarves took their time to catch their breathes before a new battle erupted. That of high-pitched voices versus very low ones.
“That’s impossible!”
“This is preposterous.”
“Would you look at that?”
“Mahal, do you think he’s got a penis?”
The only one not making an issue beside Gandalf was Bilbo who stood shyly eyeing the hobbit of the other company. She, in turn, fluttered her lashes at him and giggled.
“You’ve a nice skirt.” Bilbo told her and she giggled once more.
“And I like your waistcoat.” She replied, which made him giggle as well.
“Ah, to be young and feel love’s gentle sting.” Gandalf leant against a rather large boulder as he watched the two hobbits give compliments to each other.
“There’s a spell for that, you know?” The sorceress by his side said. She had sat down and had her arms wrapped around her knees. Her long white dress clung to her nice figure and her grey hair fell down her shoulders in a way that reminded Gandalf of Galadriel. She’d make her a perfect sister, he thought, and could easily have been an elf with her refined looks.
“There is?” he inquired, never having obtained such a spell.
The sorceress nodded. “Lord Galadriel handed me the spell once. It was before he got married.”
Gandalf frowned. “That spell must have replaced the one given to me by lady Galadriel.” He replied. “The spell she gave me was one to be used only once and it brought us here, to this land, to this mother Earth.”
The sorceress looked up at him and smiled. For a moment Gandalf envied her. He would have preferred the spell of beauty and youth over one to teleport a bunch of dwarves to a land with their counterparts. "You mean father Earth,” the sorceress corrected him. “You look well, Gandalf. If I’d known I would look as good as you at my old age I would not have used the spell.”
“Nonsense,” The wizard laughed, feeling flirted with. “You have a good figure, Lady Gandalf.” His cheeks turned red. “This might get a bit confusing.” He admitted.
“Why, then call me Ganda, and I can call you Alf.” She suggested.
“Ganda is fine.” Gandalf replied. “I look good as a woman.”
Ganda laughed. “It’s because of the spell.”
Gandalf’s reply was ambiguous at the least. “That it certainly is.”
In front of them the shouting had quieted down and there now stood a group of dwarves, eagerly studying each other. Female Nori was as cheeky as to try look in male Nori’s trousers for any sign of his manliness. But Nori managed to slap her away before she could get a proper look.
Thorin, arms folded in front of his chest, was standing to the side of the group of dwarves and feigned non-interest. In reality he was eying the other dwarves up and down from the corner of his eyes. At the other side of the group, a dwarf with long black hair adorned with grey streaks, wearing almost similar clothes but had an obvious set of breasts underneath her coat, was doing the exact same thing.
Ori seemed freaked out. His counter-part was a lovely lass with long red hair in several braids, wearing a skirt and stockings that reached just over her knees. Any dwarf would feel flattered to have such a female version, but not Ori. He was scared to death and embarrassed because this was his female self and she was, as he so subtly put it himself “wearing very revealing clothes.” He genuinely felt concerned about her safety. But Female Dwalin pushed Ori aside and came to stand in front of her, then grumbled at male Ori. “She’s quite safe.”
Dwalin, in turn, pushed Ori aside to talk to his female self. “Protecting the lass.” he asked. Female Dwalin nodded. There was hardly any difference to be seen between the two. They wore the same clothes, had the same shape of body, the same beard and the same bald head. The only visible difference was the earrings female Dwalin wore. Less visible was the difference between their tattoos. “Yes.” Female Dwalin said. They both nodded at the same time. “good.” Male Dwalin replied, approving of his other self’s behaviour.
Gloin, in the meanwhile, had sat down on the corpse of an orc and had engaged in a deep conversation about his family and children with his female self. She had a wonderful red beard, though less full and less long than his own, and her female figure showed despite the heavy layers of clothing she wore. She nodded whenever she agreed with him and told stories of her own daughter, Gímli, and her lovely husband.
The other dwarves stood at a loss for words. Though Balin made an attempt to address his female self, he was interrupted by a Female Dori who seemed to hold a great deal of interest in him all of a sudden.
Gandalf tapped his staff and called for attention. Now all eyes were on him. He looked down the line to see how Female Bombur sat crushing a dead orc underneath her copious form. Female Bifur looked rather beardless and wore a horrible green dress. Female Balin was dressed in yellow and looked distinctive and as wise as male Balin. Female Oin was as grumpy looking as her male self. No, the real shock definitely was female Ori in her short skirts and Thorin’s nieces.
Female Kíli and Female Fíli stood close to each other, much like Thorin’s nephews on the other side of the field. But instead of eying the men they had their eyes cast to the ground, shyly almost. Female Fíli had a lovely pink colour on her cheeks. Her clothes reminded of those worn by male Fíli, with the colours and the fur, but she was dressed in a skirt as well, revealing way too much of cream-coloured legs. Her boots had high-soles, making her appear to be as tall as her younger sister Kíli. Female Kíli lacked a beard. Completely. She wore a bust, a piece of armour set in silver to match the blue of her skirt. She too had leg to show. Gandalf shivered at the sight of it; didn’t those girls feel cold? The weather surely wasn’t fit for such revealing dresses.
He cleared his throat. “Friends, as you all have noticed by now, you have met another self. The spell I cast seems to have taken us from our own world and planted us in an alternative one where we are of the opposite sex. I ask you all to keep calm until we find a solution.”
“Are you saying we can’t get back?” Bofur asked, fear in his eyes. Some of the other dwarves looked worried. Bilbo didn’t seem worried at all as he smiled at his female self.
“Well, I can’t say when we’ll get back, but we’ll certainly try.” Gandalf said, waving his pipe about. He’d started a smoke to gather courage to address his dwarves. “We have a quest to fulfil, after all.”
“Aye, we must reclaim Erebor.” Fíli said, earning him the looks of his female self and her sister. Kíli, by his side, turned red and grabbed Fíli’s coat in his fist, then drew him closer. The two girls narrowed their eyes and looked back at the wizard.
“And we will.” Gandalf started, but was interrupted by Female Thorin’s voice as she claimed they were headed to Erebor as well.
“I’m sure we can have the men travel with us for now.” Ganda said, rising to her feet and patting down her dress so it flowed round her like she was a nymph. Female Thorin reluctantly agreed. A few words were spoken among the dwarves but no one seemed eager to go against Ganda’s words or to try and address Gandalf who said “Smashing,” and smiled.
“In the meanwhile we must make this less confusing,” Ganda said. “I’ve introduced myself as Ganda to male Gandalf here. I think it’s better if we used our nicknames instead of the men. After all, they would only be embarrassed if they had to share such intimate details.” She smirked mischievously and for a moment Gandalf wondered if she knew how the other wizards used to call him ‘Gandalf The Grey-Legged’. Some of the male dwarves changed colour too and Bofur could be heard whispering something along the lines of ‘Bumblebee’ while Bombur muttered he would not be called ‘babyface’. Bilbo tugged at his own braces and proudly spoke up, loud and clear for everyone to hear.
“I don’t mind being called Bill, Or William. That’s how my old uncle used to call me at home. Or Bobo, that’s a real Took’s name. Ah, bet they loved silly names, like Hedgehog, Bibo, Bee, or you can just call me Mr Second Breakfast.”
“Thank you, that’s enough, Baggins.” Bilbo sat down at Gandalf’s words and blushed.
Ganda cleared her throat. “Let’s just keep it to the girls and their nicknames. It’ll be easier for us to remember yours. It’s time for the men to show they have some kind of memory. All right, you lot, as you know I am Ganda. Now this here,” She took the female Bilbo Baggins by the shoulders and presented her to the crowd, “This is Bilba.” Ganda then continued to introduce every dwarf the company counted. “This is Nora,” female Nori waved, “Dora,” female Dori nodded, “Glinda,” female Gloin smiled, “Bombi,” female Bombur laughed, “Fieb,” female Bifur shook her head “Olivia,” female Ori blushed madly and hid behind Dwalin, “and this is Dwa.”
Ganda turned to point at female Bofur next, “This here is Fur,” then female Oin came next “and Ini and Lin.” Lin was the female Balin who bowed politely and earned Thorin’s huff. “And Thorin’s nieces, the lovely Fee and Kee.”
At this, Fíli and Kíli raised their fingers in protest. “That’s not fair!” “No. Those are our nicknames for each other, isn’t that so, Kee?” “Right, Fee. I object!”
Ganda sighed and turned to face Gandalf. “How do you manage?”
“The same as you.” He said with a smile.
The sorceress turned to address the dwarves. “You’ll just have to share your nicknames with the girls for now. So, Fee and Kee, which leaves us with our Queen under the mountain: Thorina.”
“I object!” All eyes shifted to Thorin who stood calmly at the side of the field but eyed them with a dangerous stare. “No female version of me shall be called Thorina.”
At the other side of the field, Thorina puffed her chest and stamped over to her male version. “I shall be called Thorina if I so please!” She squeaked.
“Shall not.” Her male version replied, insistently.
“Shall so.”
“Shall not.”
“Thorins, please.” Ganda and Gandalf had both approached the two dwarves and stood with arms spread. Ganda had spoken, having arrived sooner due to her young legs. Gandalf looked a bit put off by the fact he’d been beaten by his female self but didn’t comment on it.
The king and queen huffed and folded arms in front of their chests, once again mirroring each other. “All right, have it your way, Thorina.” Thorin grumbled. She, in turn, spoke through gritted teeth, “Aye, I’ll have it my way.” And the case was settled.
“Let us not stand here amongst these stinking corpses.” Gandalf wisely said and waved his sleeve in front of his nose to insinuate how the dead orcs already reeked.
With thirteen male dwarves, thirteen female dwarves and two hobbits in tow, the wizard and sorceress set foot to Erebor. And started quite possibly one of the most interesting journeys ever made.