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Etho's eyes were locked on himself as he stood in his bathroom. The mirror was in front of him, door locked and Etho alone in his home. He had sense taken his mask and headband off, leaving himself with the most vulnerable part of himself. His bangs fell against his face, Etho reaching for a hair tie to tie it back. He worked quickly, used to tying his long, white hair out of his face. Once he had finished, his vision was no longer hidden behind hair and he didn't have to deal with it in his face.
Then he went back to staring. He didn't know what view he hated more. The more he thought about it, the worse the hair tie felt. It made him feel too feminine, something he actively tried to avoid when in private.
Every part of Etho seemed too feminine in this moment. His hips were noticeable even with the baggy shirt he wore, his chest was poking out too much for comfort, his hair was way too feminine. Every part of him felt just wrong. With a sigh, Etho would turn away, knowing the more he stared and the more he would hate himself.
He opted to instead sit on the floor, mindlessly grabbing his phone out. It was a bit of a habit he had picked up. Despite living alone, he felt vulnerable when anywhere else. Prying eyes could be at any corner for all Etho could know. One wrong move and someone could find him like this and find out he was a boy. And Etho was pretty sure he'd rather put a bullet through his brain than let that happen. The bathroom made him feel safe. No windows, and a locked door. He also tied the doorknob a few times, just to be sure. You can call it overkill, but Etho calls it being careful.
He'd turn on his phone, glancing down at his notifications. Nothing really important, at least to Etho. One from his news app, and another reminding him he's supposed to meet up with Bdub's tomorrow for lunch. Etho sighed at that. But he'd be fine. He had gotten good at pretending, and even if he seemed off, he knew if he just blamed his already existing diagnosis's Bdub's would believe him and think it's just normal anxiety. He was good at comforting Etho, and believing his lies.
Etho let out a sigh, glancing back at the news notification. It was a simple, normal notification, with some random headline and then asking that you enter the app to read more. Etho clicked on it, exiting out of the clickbait sounding article he was originally brought to, entering the main page and glancing down at the top headlines. Just the usual junk, until his eyes snapped on one word on the screen-- "transgender."
He immediately clicked out of the app, not wanting to see the rest of the headline. Anytime he saw that word in the news he assumes the worst, knowing today's political climate. He didn't like the reminder that people absolutely hated him because he's transgender. He didn't like being reminded that he is transgender.
It felt weird to call himself that. Sure, he referred to himself as a man. He knew he was a man. He had a new name and all- even if it was a really stupid name. I mean, only a nerd would name himself after something he learned about in science class. He dreaded ever having to explain that name- and knew in all ways, except physical, he was a man. He just made no effort to transition. He still isn't out to anyone, doesn't try to look very masculine, and doesn't even attempt to socially transition with close friends.
As much as Etho yearned to do so, he knew it was safer to not. He had no idea how his friends and family would react. He knows some of them are supportive, but he was unsure of whether that support extended to him. Plus, he doubted he seemed like the kind of person to be transgender. With some people he knew it was obvious they were queer in some way, but for Etho, he just seemed like your average guy. Or woman, he supposes, even if that word makes him feel miserable inside.
Etho let his phone fall to his side, instead opting to lay his head in his knees while silently crying. He didn't care if he was alone, it made him feel pathetic to cry. He was supposed to be this mysterious and chill guy, not some stupid idiot who can't stop crying over small things. But still, he let himself continue to cry, even when he couldn't control it and felt tears fall onto the floor. God, he was pathetic.
For a while, he let the only sound in his home be his crooked breathing and the sniffles he let out as tears poured down his face. He'd push his arm against his face, wishing he had opted for a hoodie or something with long sleeves instead of the stupid t-shirt he slept in. All it did was make Etho's arm feel damp, a feeling that only made him feel more disgusting. He'd let out a sniffle, taking deep breaths that only seemed to make it worse.
After a few more minutes, he'd stand back up, staring at the shower. He really needed to shower, especially if he was going to hang out with Bdubs tomorrow. He needed to look presentable and his hair was a bit too greasy for his liking. His hands went to shower's handle, turning it on to its hottest setting before glancing back to where he was sitting. He made sure to avoid his mirror as he moved, placing his phone onto the counter and slowly taking his clothes off. He made an extra effort into trying not to stare at his body.
Etho would flinch as a small buzz came from his phone. He looked at it, seeing another notification from Bdubs.
"Just making sure we're still good for tomorrow?" Bdubs had messaged him- attaching a stupid gif of a smiling emoji afterwards. It looked really stupid, but managed to make Etho smile a bit, despite the rather negative mood he was in.
He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself despite that fact that he was only replying to a text. He'd open up the conversation, staring at the simple text for a few moments before staring to respond. He would probably feel better in the morning, he'd assume, so he was fine with telling Bdubs he would be there. Plus, he knew Etho better than others. Even if Etho got upset, he would comfort him and be oblivous to his situation. It was okay. He would swallow, before typing out a response.
"Yep !! See you then :)" He'd click send, before turning off his phone and silencing it. He didn't want any more interruptions anyway.
He'd turn back to face the shower with a frown. Slowly, he'd remove the rest of his clothing before getting in. His chest felt tight as he glanced down at his body. It was not his, and he knew that, but he knew he'd have to deal with it. No matter what happened, he knew he couldn't come out yet. No matter how safe he was, he didn't feel like he'd be okay if he did. He took a deep breath. He would be okay, even if he was pretending.