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Agent Krissy was in a bad mood. She was always in a bad mood, but today her mood was definitely worse than usual, and by usual we mean permanent PMS. It probably had something to do with her unfortunate daily habit of reading the 'Just In' category on fanfiction.net. Her younger sister Mae, who did not partake in such self-destructive habits, was in a relatively good mood, mostly just to piss Krissy off. The sisters shared some physical resemblance, a common fannish butterflyness and a mutual hatred for Mary Sues, but their similarities ended there, which was of course why Upstairs assigned them to work together.
Krissy and Mae's brand new response center, into which they had moved in only the week before, already looked like several world wars had taken place inside of it. Mae, feeling somewhat traumatized by a badly done ER back-to-high-school-songfic, was hiding amongst the sisters' many video tapes. Meanwhile, Krissy was going through the mail that was looking particularly singed, throwing envelopes addressed to her sister into the videotape encampment and reading the contents of those addressed to her. "You're Invited to Advanced Swordfighting Seminar at OFUM (t. b. Boromir. PPC Assassins Only.)" soon joined the "Guilty and Confused Better-Quality Mpreg Likers Anonymous" and "Guilty Secret X-Files Smarm Addicts Anonymous" invitations in one of the drawers. The last envelope, a particularly large one, elicited a particularly evil giggle from her that caused her sister to appear from the sea of videotapes and look at her quizzically.
"They're inviting me as a featured speaker on Bad Slash for the Fanfiction Universities' Seminar on Slash. All slashers enrolled in the FUs have to attend it," Krissy explained, and Mae shuddered. The slasher students were doomed – Krissy was a hardened slash veteran, and had seen pretty much the worst slash there was. "I'm so making a visual presentation!" Krissy continued, grinning evilly. "I can see it now – exploding people, love tunnels, horrible love scenes that resemble either recipes or assembly instructions, and the infamous spelling mistake that takes care of the staffing problem in the slash fandoms with ships-"
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! FRIGGING BEEEPPP!!! HOLY MARY MOTHER OF BEEP!!!]
"Shut up, won't you!" Krissy said in a voice that was usually reserved for particularly bad Sues.
[BEEEEEEEPPPP! NO I BEEEEPPPING WON'T! BEEEEEEPP!]
Krissy sighed. "Fine! What do you have?"
After taking one look at the Words, Krissy made a sound that Mae couldn't quite describe and punched the console. Thankfully, Makes-Things knew of her violent habits and sprayed it with his new invention, PunchGuard™, so she didn't break anything.
"This is evil!" Krissy exclaimed, and launched into a long monologue full of curses in every language that she knew. Occasionally, 'Sue' and 'bloody wrong' would pop up.
Mae climbed out of the tape encampment and went over to read what had Krissy acting more peevish than usual. After only one paragraph, she understood, and just stood there, speechless from the sheer badness of the fic. After bringing herself out of the badfic induced stupor, Mae took a look at the DoI report on the fic and frowned.
"Hey, is it a bad sign when the intelligence report consists of the word KILL repeated many times in bold font?"
Krissy did not answer.
"Krissy! KRISSY!" Still getting no response from her sister, she grabbed Krissy's arm, then jumped back before Krissy's fist made contact with her face.
"What?" Krissy snarled.
"I just wanted to say that when we go to kill this git - and I do hope that will be soon - I don't think it would be worth our time to take the Character Analysis Devices to this one. They'd blow up the moment we see the characters... or what's left of them." Mae walked over to her side of the room and began tossing things into her pack, muttering to herself about how it was not a good sign if the story title alone screamed Sue – "The Fellowship and a girl" being probably the most overdone plotline ever in LotR fic. After closing her pack, she took another look at the words and frowned. "You'll probably need to bring your knives. We have two Sues to take down in this one. One for you and one for me..."
"I know," Krissy remarked darkly, reading over parts of the story again. "There's Alatariel, also conveniently called Evelyn, which coincidentally is the name of the author, and Sue 2 - Idril, also called Claire." She took another look at the words and paled. "Actually, there is a bunch of gratuitous Suespawn too. Oh joy..."
"What do you think we should go in as?"
"Elves," Krissy replied, attaching her favorite sword to her belt. "We need to go to Rivendell, and we want to blend in. Anyways, before starting the fic, we have one more thing to do. The Upstairs sent us a memo yesterday that they want us to assist Miss Cam in doing a Mini round-up before we start." The agents opened a portal and quickly hopped around the fic, gathering all the mini-Balrogs they could find at a first glance. They located four existing Minis and one new one, and then returned Leoglas, Tharanduil, Boomer and Wormtounge back to their rightful owners. The rest – the new Mini, Srauman, two new Mini races, the Galadhirim and the Uruk-Hais and twin Mini mountains, Carahdas and Cahardas - were sent to OFUM via a portal.
After accomplishing the task, Krissy and Mae portalled to Rivendell, otherwise known as Sueville, stepping out into an area near where the Council would meet. Krissy was still feeing decidedly PMSy after becoming an elf, something she knew would prove useful when taking down the Sues. To cheer up, she began to run through the top ten ways to kill a Sue in her head, and soon she was smiling a most evil smile.
"I've never seen an elf look evil before," Mae remarked. "Rather scary."
"Good." Krissy's evil smile grew. "It can be the last thing the Sues see before they die. Let's go find them and get this over with. Laurel has mentioned something to me yesterday, and I can't wait to try it out..."
"We're incredibly early, so the Sues are not here yet." Mae muttered. "The portal device needs to be checked. The timing is all off." She took off her pack and set it on the ground. "But it'll give us a chance to look the story over and figure out when we want to kill them." She took out a copy of the Words and held it so Krissy could read it as well.
All was silent for a moment, and then-
"'My father and his wife'? So who the frell is her mother?"
"Evelyn has two daddies," Mae remarked snidely, having read ahead. "Couldn't you guess she's the child of Elrond and Celeborn?"
Krissy groaned. "I do admit that I am a secret Mpreg reader, but it only works well in sci-fi shows, and in Lord of the Rings it's just – disturbing, especially if one of the characters is sleeping with his father-in-law, and her parents seem to be her brother and her grandfather all at once. I shouldn't need Bleepto-Dismal this early on. Give it to me..." Mae dug through her bag and pulled out a 40oz bottle.
Krissy grabbed the bottle and chugged it down with a speed developed from years of reading badfic with a handy bottle of alcohol next to her keyboard. When Krissy had finished it off, she sighed, stashed it in her duffel and turned to her sister.
"Isn't it bloody annoying how the Sues always know about the council before everyone else? No matter how many times one says it was a damned-"
The rest of Krissy's musing and Mae's sarcastic comment was cut off by the sound of what sounded like five thousand vacuum cleaners descending on them. "What the-"
The assassins were swept up by some kind of a tornado and landed, a second later and quite painfully, in some bushes on the other side of the patio from where they'd been. Nearby, a plothole straight from Lorien spat out the Sue along with Rumil and Orophin, making everything feel redundantly redundant, which was perhaps because the "secret" council had been mentioned three times in three lines. Krissy gingerly touched her head, which her pack had landed on with much force, and glared at Evelyn!Sue, who was happily prancing across the patio to go see Elrond, who looked anything but happy to see her.
"The portal machine *really* needs to be checked if it's sending psychotic tornados to suck us up and drop us from heights. And why do we have to suffer and they get to have all the fun?" Mae rubbed her bum, which now had some thorns embedded in it. "I say we toss her off the top of a waterfall."
"That can be arranged." Krissy sounded happy about the idea. "And I think the psychotic tornado is not the por- remote activator's fault – it's the Sue's. She managed to get from Lorien to Rivendell in two sentences, which is probably the worst case of bad geography I've encountered so far in my career.
"Lord Elrond, Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel have sent me with this message and have sent me to attend the council meeting," the Sue babbled, ignoring the commas Krissy was throwing at her from the agents' hiding place.
"Well then you know Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, right?" Elrond said.
"Logic? What logic?" was heard from the bushes. The Sue ignored the lament and pranced off, rubbing her head confusedly when a particularly well-thrown comma hit her on the back of the head.
"We should portal ahead so we can get this over with. And avoid a really sickening scene."
"How bad?" Krissy asked warily.
"You'll be puking out your internal organs before it's over. The Sue, Aragorn, whom she incessantly calls Estel, and Legolas behave like dumb teenagers and have annoyingly stupid conversations, because for some reason that is beyond the understanding of anyone with a modicum of logic, Elrond, Arwen and Celeborn, via a letter, are forcing the Sue to marry Aragorn."
"Oh. Then let's go." Krissy slapped the remote activator against her palm a few times, muttered threats against its internal wiring, and punched in their destination. The assassins stepped into the portal and -
"A shower?!?" Mae exclaimed, horrified. Krissy, too busy trying to break a stone wall with her head, didn't reply.
Mae, quite familiar with what happens when you try to break stone with your skull (the stone wins), grabbed Krissy's arm and pulled her out of the bathroom. "I can't have you dying on me now! I'll need your help in taking these Sues down!"
"My eyes! My brain!" Krissy wailed. "I don't think there is enough bleach in the world to erase what I have seen!"
Mae shuddered. Falling into a modern shower in Middle-earth was bad enough, but falling into a modern shower in ME where a naked Sue and a naked Legolas were attempting to something vaguely pornographic was much, much worse. Taking pity on her blinded sister, Mae gave up the remainder of her Bleepto-Dismal, which was gratefully chugged by Krissy. The thoroughly disgusted agents slunk off the council (which had been transformed into a boardroom meeting complete with a PowerPoint presentation on the One Ring by the Universal Laws of Narrative Comedy due to the author's inability to create any imagery whatsoever).
Five minutes later, the Sue and Legolas stumbled in, and after a meaningless exchange between them, Elrond and Rumil a bland re-telling of the Movie Council followed suit, with Aragorn saying something in fake Elvish that sounded like "Have a Dad" to Mae's almost-bleeding ears. Krissy, devoid of a wall to smack her head against, decided to utilize her one-book edition of the trilogy to thump herself on the head. Gimli got antagonized by the Sue since he was always the one to see the Sues' true nature, Frodo offered to take the ring, and the Sue offered her bow and sword. She then made Pip and Merry look like idiots and Mae had to bodily restrain Krissy from tackling and strangling the Sue when the long-suffering Elrond said: "Ten companions, very well, you shall be known as the Fellowship of the ring."
After that, Elrond decided to marry the Sue and Legolas and pulled Sue2, who looked suspiciously like his own grandmother Idril, out of thin air to marry her to Aragorn. He then told the Sue to go to Rivendell's inexplicably existing chapel, where the two agents quickly portalled, getting to see Arwen's magic "elvish speed" in action as she turned into Superseamstress while altering a very un-ME wedding dress right on the Sue. Galadriel showed up out of nowhere and decided to do Sue's hair by pulling it "into a tight bun with hairs hanging down in the back and tendrils on either side" of the Sue's face, a hairstyle that made her look like the Sunflower Official was perched on her head. The Sue the asked a random elf named Panicked (a result of a missing comma) what she would wear on her head for the wedding, and apparently Panicked and her father, whichever one it was, decided that she would wear both a veil and a crown, and Galadriel supplied that the crown would be holding the veil in place. The agents had to restrain themselves from projectile vomiting this whole scene was inducing.
But the worst was yet to come. Krissy and Mae could not listen to the Sue anymore and hid in the bushes. Mae, in order not to listen to the Sue's whiny voice, began reading the words to herself, gagging over the idea that Celeborn and Thranduil planned for the Sue's marriage to Legolas. Soon, Galadriel had psychic knowledge of the vague nasty done in the shower and then -
"Evelyn's pregnant..."
"When?" Krissy exclaimed in horror. The Sue had not really had any defined sex, which Mae was thankful for, but still, this new revelation meant the author had little to no idea about sex or pregnancy. Oh joy.
The corner of Mae's left eye began to twitch. "I think the porniness the shower did it..." The Sue began to cry and caused a tense shift that made the agents queasy, and Galadriel's plea for Sue to halt crying in fear that she ruin her make-up only made that queasiness deepen. Celeborn popped out of thin air just like every other character before him to blather on, and the magically re-appearing Arwen hurried the Sue up. The Sue had then asked Arwen why she was not marrying Aragorn, and Arwen replied that there was no love between them anymore. A very pissed looking Elf jumped out of the bushes but was quickly pulled back in. The Sue frowned and then forgot about it.
In the bushes, Mae was sitting on Krissy, who was screaming "I will kill her now, that little shit! No one messes with Aragorn's True Love and lives, because I kill them!" After some useless struggling, Krissy relaxed somewhat. "Okay, okay, kill them after charging them. Anyway, what is going on out there?"
Mae peeked out of the bushes and-
"Huh?"
"What do you mean by 'huh'?" Krissy asked from the ground.
"Celeborn is now manhandling Evelyn – he has pulled her veil over her face. Oh! Now he is chopping her hand off – and now he is giving it to Legolas. I think the Sue is victim of her own bad phrasing again. Woo-hoo! Oh, no!" Mae continued to sit on Krissy and provide derisive commentary for the duration of the wedding of Aragorn and Sue 2, and allowed Krissy to restrain her when Elrond "added Claire to the fellowship." The sisters restrained each other when Gandalf suggested that the two couples needed the next two days to "get to know each other better." Not being able to take more Sueage, and rightfully thinking that another huge Temporal-Spatial Distortion would leave them with a mother of a headache, they portalled to one of the Mini-mountains just after a tense shift, discovering with much happiness that they just narrowly missed Legolas accusing Boromir of "hitting on his girl."
The two agents made themselves as comfortable as they could and began trying to estimate the best moment to charge the Sues. They both admitted that they probably should have done that at the wedding, when the canon had been already disrupted five times over, but morbid fascination at what else could be screwed up by the Sue drove them to keep observing. Krissy, who was a bit dusty and sore from being sat on for hours, decided that it was her turn for commentary, and provided Mae, who was relaxing on her sleeping bag with the play-by-play of what went on below.
"Sues have firewood in backpacks – no idea why, though – and Evelyn has just started crying because Aragorn said something and is claiming he yelled at her. Aragorn does not yell, sweetie. He might shout in a very kingly voice, but he does not yell. Dr. Aragorn exclaims something about Elven women having "so many hormones" and oblivious Legolas is clued in to MagicSuePregnancy. Sue gets mad at Designated Sexist Boromir and puts a sword to his throat, Gandalf is Old Misogynist Jerk and Legolas is wearing a CHP uniform – and he's no Ponch. More boring useless stuff happens, Sue insinuates Boromir was falling asleep on the watch, which is so, so wrong, Sue blathers on, ew-ew – she kisses Frodo. Frodo suddenly becomes a bee, woooooooo!"
"Hm?" Mae asked, unsure why Krissy seemed to be so happy about Frodo becoming a bee. But then, one could never be sure about anything with Krissy...
"Some random Orc just shot her in the stomach – she lost the baby, and now they are moving. Shoot, we have to go again. Damn the Sues with their vagueness of time and geography... Let's portal ahead to the bridge." The agents did so, and were exposed more bad movie retelling which due to several bad word choices and a typo featured Balgog the flaming OFUM gong and a pissed-off woman in a wedding dress who hung over the abyss and was currently being crossed by the Fellowship.
"What the frell?" Krissy exclaimed when she spotted the woman.
Mae checked the words and giggled hysterically.
"I believe this is yet another example of why beta-reading is a good, good thing. I think she meant to type 'bridge', but left off a G, so we now have the bride of Khazad-Dum. Let's rescue the poor woman and try to recruit her, and then go on ahead to Lothlorien."
"I like the sound of that. Any more sueage and I am liable to throw myself into the abyss to keep the Balrog company."
The agents paused the story for a moment to replace the woman by the actual bridge and portalled ahead to Lothlorien, happily missing many days of unconscious Sue and a plotline concerning AlmostRapistHaldir, although Mae, who as a masochist read the scenes they had skipped over, heartily agreed with him calling Evelyn a "stupid little bitch" even though it was not very canonical.
The Bride of Khazad-Dum now looked somewhat less pissed off, and extended her hand out to Krissy, who shook it cautiously.
"My name is Arrodwen," the Bride said. "And who are you?"
"We are – well, she is Mae and I am Krissy, and we are Protectors of the Plot Continuum agents. We dispose of certain annoyingly useless characters who are not really part of this world, like Evelyn-"
"The wench who made me hang over the abyss?" Arrodwen inquired, narrowing her eyes. Krissy nodded eagerly.
"Whom do I ask for permission to join your ranks in the fight against this ultimate evil?" Arrodwen queried, looking very murderous.
"Uh – well, you can come with us and we will introduce you to him. You would be a welcome addition – may I call you Wendy?" Arrodwen nodded, and the agents, along with the new recruit, wandered into Lorien, which looked like a suburban American neighborhood due to a total lack of imagery. They dropped by the palace, and were nearly knocked off their feet by a passing healer with a tongue depressor clutched in his hand. After a quick look at the words, the agents established that the Sue was once again pregnant, and another 40 oz. Bottle of Bleepto-dismal was shared among the three women. Just as they finished off the bottle, a car drove by, yet another result of a dropped consonant. Wendy gritted her teeth, muttered several descriptive Sindarin curse words (of which Mae only understood "Sue" and "sharp sword"), cracked her knuckles and looked at the empty bottle forlornly.
Just then, the Sue pranced by in a tiara, whining something about the damn thing getting her in trouble every time she wore it. Krissy brightened upon hearing these words and slunk off somewhere. Mae and Wendy dropped in on the boring banquet/gathering/Sue-worshipping to steal some food, but couldn't stand to be there for too long. They sat down in the garden and were soon joined by Krissy, who was smiling mysteriously. After the dinner, the Sue showed up with Merry and Pippin, who were pestering the Sue with the age-old question of "Where do babies come from?" Krissy swung a comma and threw it at the Sue, hitting her in the eye. The Sue yelped in pain and looked around again, not seeing anyone. Now with a black eye, she told the two confused hobbits that "when two people get along really well and know a lot about each other, one of them ends up pregnant."
Mae snickered. "So that's where babies come from. When two people look at each other with lust in their eyes, one of them ends up pregnant. At least it wasn't Legolas this time, with her being an Mpreggie child. Let me add that to the charge list. Which is now really, really long, and the fic seems to have barely begun." Krissy paused the fic while Mae scribbled the charge on page sixteen of her notebook. "Bad biolo- Oh frell!"
"What? What?" Krissy asked, morbidly curious about just how bad the fic could get.
Mae whimpered and turned slightly green. "She's not an ordinary Sue, but a SuperSpeshulPowers Sue... And her magical Suebaby is a 'special child' -" (Krissy immediately thought of several ways to twist that statement) "-and has powers of telepathy and healing, which Evelyn will have during her pregnancy and maybe after, and another eleventy billion dumbass powers. And she blows up a potted plant." The agents and Wendy shed a tear over the poor blown-up fern, which was apparently a favorite of Galadriel's, and leapt into a passing plothole to avoid listening to a very lame prophecy only to wind up in Orthanc, where the Sue was trying to use her superspeshul telepathy power, which apparently didn't come with roaming. After calling half of Middle-earth with her mind, the Sue magically convinced a whole bunch of Orcs to let her go. Mae, who had developed a facial tic about ten pages back, stepped towards the Sue and was about to read her the charges when-
"She frigging teleported!" Krissy hissed, taking a look at the fic. "Okay, this means war. No more observing. Let's jump the to birth of the Suespawn." Mae grimly punched in the coordinates to Lothlorien.
After passing several Elves who were barbequing something large on modern-looking grill, Krissy, Mae and Wendy had finally located the house where the Sue was seemingly giving birth to her child by Legolas, who was not supposed to know about it, thus explaining the presence of Haldir, whose eyes, despite the cheerful suburban dad façade he exuded, looked terrified. Krissy located the Words and after taking a look at them began methodically smashing her head into the cheerfully pink wall, making the house shake precariously. Mae quirked an eyebrow and looked at the Words herself to understand the cause of her sister's distress. The Sue, not being the brightest bulb in the world, decided to name her baby Angelus, thus managing to create a very disturbing Implausible Crossover. Mae commiserated briefly, decided to spare her head, and turned her attention back to the birth. Later, Mae wished she hadn't done that.
The two agents and Wendy watched in horror as the Sue, briefly morphing into yet another Sue named Eve, gave birth to a tall, dark, and very evil vampire larger then herself. Angelus looked quite confused about the whole situation, and after understanding that he was a child of Legolas and a Sue, he uncharacteristically felt an overwhelming need to suck his thumb and whimper in horror. This was beyond any evil he could think up. Mae could really sympathize with the poor vamp – she would have done the same in his place. Before the agents had a chance to pause the scene, Legolas arrived to screw with an already convoluted plot and a virtual deluge of Suespawn followed him, including Elrond's daughter Angelica, Galadriel's daughter Collette, and after a brief interruption by Ladonna, a jealous "Loren" She-Elf (an apparent Haldir groupie who looked disturbingly like a mix between Sofia Loren and Madonna and attempted to abduct the already traumatized vamp), Sue2's and Aragorn's daughter Annatinuviel and Celeborn's son Gildur followed suit.
Too shocked to do anything useful for a while, the agents paused the fic and liberated the somewhat comatose (and very naked) Angelus. Krissy, somewhat apprehensive of dragging the highly-combustible vamp around sunny Middle-Earth, opened a portal back into HQ and hopped in for a moment, knowing that she was probably breaking some rule, but thinking that a little breaking of rules was much better than a major canon character of two shows going up in flames. She called the Department of Implausible Crossovers and left a message asking someone to show up in the fic sometime soon, and after picking up a large white box with a red cactus on it from the console and putting her trusty digital camera in one of the numerous pockets of her pants, she hopped back to the fic. Angelus lay on the floor, still whimpering at the thought of being Suespawn and Legolas's son, with an apprehensive Wendy patting his hand in an attempt to comfort him.
"I left a message," Krissy muttered darkly. "And I brought the Ye Olde Suenami Emergency Kit – my personal invention!"
Wendy gladly moved away from Angelus while Mae peered inside the box, looking somewhat cheered up after seeing the abundance of Bleepka in the kit. She knew that she was about to break a major PPC Code of Conduct rule about not getting drunk or high while on duty, but her brain was about to explode, and it needed much alcoholy bleach to remain in one piece.
"Cocktail time!" Krissy exclaimed, a crazy glint in her eyes.
* * *
By the time Agent Alan of the Implausible Crossovers arrived an hour later, the agents had used up most of the kit, and the area around them looked somewhat blown up. Mae was sleeping in a shrub, a bottle of Bleepka clutched in her hand, an unknown woman was lying on the ground and staring at the sky, while Krissy (minus one sock) and Angelus (who was still wearing nothing except a sock where no sock was normally meant to be worn) were alternately singing Irish drinking songs and breathing fire. Alan correctly guessed that they had mixed Bleepka with Pink and Purple Stuffs from the urple color of the flames emerging from the vamp and the agent, and sighed. He needed to reprimand Krissy for mixing the Stuffs and Bleepka, and for getting a canon character drunk, but he really could understand where she was coming from after taking a quick look at the words. That was enough to give him a headache that refused to be tamed by Bleeprin.
Before criticizing, there were some things to be done. First, he handed the vamp some pants to put on – firstly, Alan did not want all the Angel(us)-luster agents in HQ to stampede once they saw the vamp in all his glory, because he still remembered the Great Supposedly Reformed PPC Legolusters Stampede that had nearly cost him his life, and secondly, Angelus without pants looked damned hot even to him, and he did not even want to consider that thought. Angelus gratefully put the pants on, accompanied by a soft click-click of the digital camera and a disappointed sigh, and returned Krissy's sock to her. Krissy made a gurgling noise and immediately sealed the sock in a plastic baggie.
"I'm here to collect Angelus and get him back to his continuum – we were wondering where he had disappeared to..."
Krissy cringed at the mental replay of the birth which was made worse by all the Bleepka she had consumed in the last hour.
"Alan, could you take Wendy here with you? She's a new recruit. Don't ask her about the wedding dress if you want to keep your manly bits."
"Will do. Anyway, Wendy, Angelus, please follow me through the portal." Alan pressed a button and a portal appeared in the air before him. Angelus looked disappointed for a moment, burped and almost set Suburban Lothlorien on fire. Krissy managed to look contrite for a moment but then gave up, shook Mae awake, and disappeared into the very out-of-place modern two-story house in the middle of the Golden Wood, soon reappearing with four babies and a toddler clutched in her arms. Alan looked at her, confused. Krissy deposited the Suespawn into Angelus's arms. The vamp looked at all the tasty children and licked his lips, once again looking decidedly evil.
"Have a nice dinner," Krissy said, suddenly shy. The vampire bowed as elegantly as he could while holding a bunch of squirming Suekids and smiled a most evil smile. Mae caught her swooning sister just as Alan, Wendy and Angelus disappeared through the portal.
"Aaaaaaghaaaa..." Krissy gurgled. "So evil... but hot... so hot..." Shaking her head to clear it of Bleepka fumes, she got herself upright and sighed. "Anyways, let's go find that bint and kill her. She deserves death so many times over just for what she has done to Angelus, not even mentioning LotR canon."
Mae's eyes took on a Really Evil gleam. "Then let's do it," she said, un-pausing the fic.
As the Sue attempted to locate the suddenly-missing Angelus, she heard someone clearing her throat. She looked up to see two very pissed-off women glaring at her. The taller one stepped forward and pulled out a notebook.
"Evelyn, or whatever your name is, you are charged with being a Mary Sue; causing personality alterations and character ruptures; breaking up a canon romance; causing an original character to join the Fellowship of the Ring; altering the number or the composition of the Fellowship of the Ring, which is NINE! Nine, you get it? Not ten, not eleven, not twelve, NINE!"
Mae grabbed the legal pad from Krissy, who had gone alarmingly red.
"You're also charged with creating a very bizarre and disturbing relationship." She lowered the pad. "Celeborn is Elrond's father-in-law. If you'd done any bloody reading at all, you'd know that. You're also charged with creating arranged marriages out of nowhere, for no good reason, with no explanation, not to mention they'd never happen in Middle Earth anyway; reciting the movie version of the council badly and not giving a whit to credit to Pete Jackson, Fran Walsh, or Phillipa Boyens for the original, and far better, dialogue; introducing modern indoor plumbing in the form of showers and modern products such as baby monitors and tongue depressors; confusing family trees by making Elrond have a relationship with his wife's father, but I already mentioned that... Oh, and with creating bad romantic liaisons between canon characters – Boromir and Arwen are not a couple, dammit! And before I forget, you are charged with breeding alarming amounts of Suespawn through bad physiology – once again, in Middle-Earth men DO NOT get pregnant, and creating an Improbable Crossover by naming your baby Angelus, which almost certainly does not mean ‘the one with an angelic face' and traumatizing said canon character by making him Suespawn and Legolas' child all at once. Do you know how disturbing it is to see someone give birth to an almost 300-year old vampire?"
"Mae?" Krissy's voice sounded weak. "I think I need to throw up."
Mae waived in the general direction of the Sue. "Some of her clothes are in the corner. We don't want to risk polluting Lorien, and she won't be needing them anymore, anyway."
"M'kay." Krissy dashed across the room.
"As I was about to say before your crimes made my sister ill, you are also charged with causing the Fellowship to leave Rivendell at dawn; changing geography - it takes a nice, long while for anyone to go to Lothlorien from Rivendell or vice verse, and NOT a bloody second, you twit, and how did you get to Caradhras, bloody fly? Geez! What's with it with you moronic Legolusters? Anyway, I digress. You're also charged with causing thousand-year-old elves to behave like spoiled human teenagers; causing Middle-earth characters to use modern slang, using unnecessary tense and person shifts; and causing events to happen solely for the benefit of the original characters without regard to canon plotlines..."
Krissy, looking less green than when she'd dashed off, returned to where she'd been standing. "Allow me," she said to Mae, taking the legal pad. "As if those crimes weren't more than enough to justify mangling you in a way that will bring us lots of pleasure, you are charged with mangling of the English language through the use of bad grammar and syntax and punctuation errors; mangling of Sindarin, or maybe it's supposed to be Quenya, but whichever language it is, you mangled it; giving the original characters modern names; gratuitous tense shifting; gratuitous person shifting; displaying extreme stupidity or causing canon characters to act stupidly; and really, really, really annoying PPC agents!" Krissy smiled evilly and pulled out her throwing knives. "That was your worst mistake. But I never want it to be said that PPC agents don't have at least a little bit of a heart."
"What do you mean?" Evelyn asked, her eyes wide and her face white.
Krissy smiled calmly. "You love Legolas, don't you?" Evelyn nodded hesitantly. "And since you love Legolas, you'd probably want to see Mirkwood, right?" Evelyn nodded again. "Then that's where we're going to go. Mirkwood."
"That's all?"
"That's all. We'll take you to Mirkwood, where you'll spend the rest of your life." She held out a hand to Evelyn. "Let's go."
Mae looked at her sister, wondering what fiendish and twisted plot Laurel had told her about. Krissy was still smiling, which bode very ill for the Sue.
"Let me get the Portal Generator working," Mae said, giving her sister an evil smile. "Good. We're all set to go to Mirkwood."
When the three of them stepped out of the portal, Krissy whistled loudly.
"What was that for?" Evelyn asked.
"Just to let the residents know there's someone here. They need to know so they can fit you into their dinner plans."
Mae grabbed Krissy's arm. To Evelyn, she said, " 'Scuse us for a minute." She pulled Krissy a few feet away and said, in a low voice, "Isn't the Mirkwood Spider Convention happening this week?"
Krissy's smile grew. "Yep. I told the Sue she'd spend the rest of her life in Mirkwood. I just didn't say how long the rest of her life would be."
Mae grinned. "Yeah, it would be a shame for a PPC agent to break their word. But, hey, she gets to be the main event at convention dinner tonight. What do you say we make ourselves scarce before the spiders arrive and think we're appetizers."
"Good idea. Be right back." Krissy went over to Evelyn and said, "Some of your new subjects will be here soon. We're just going to... leave so we don't disturb ya'll. Enjoy!"
While Krissy was talking to Evelyn, Mae dialed up a portal to an approximate location of Sue2, and had it open and waiting when Krissy returned. "Let's blow this pop stand," Krissy said as they walked through. Behind them, Evelyn began shrieking about huge spiders and needing help. Mae thought of the many games Mirkwood spiders were rumored to play with their food and smiled again.
The other Sue was easier to locate, since she was just standing around and staring at a tree, which probably was a symptom of the Secondary Sue Syndrome. Mae tapped her on the shoulder, and when Sue2 turned around, Krissy had begun reciting the charges.
"Idril/Claire, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, breaking up a canon romance – Aragorn marries Arwen, not some random skank with two interchangeable names; joining the fellowship as the 11th member - I so should take you to OFUM to have a nice, long chat with Lord Elrond; creating gratuitous Suespawn in the form of Annatinuviel, being a useless whiny Sue who appropriated an important canon name for herself, not knowing how to use a comma, and annoying me by simply existing and hitting on my Lust Object."
ClaireSue tried to make a break for it, but Krissy was feeling twitchy, and her throwing knives just happened to find their way into the Sue.
"Oops," Krissy said, pulling her knives out of the dead Sue. "Now we need to dispose of her... Wonder how we can recycle her."
The sisters thought of the solution at the same time, and their eyes acquired the slightly insane twinkle all too familiar to their friends at Headquarters.
* * *
"Didn't I tell you a nice game of Sueball over Mount Doom can be jolly good fun?" Krissy asked, stepping out of the portal into the response center. Mae stumbled out after her, looking somewhat purple.
"Yeah, in theory," she said, sinking into a chair. "But if your eagle has hiccups, it's a bit more exciting than I'd like..."
Before closing, the portal coughed up a mini-Balrog, which brought a rare smile to Krissy's face. "Srauman! I wanted my own Mini for so long and my permit finally came through. Here, baby, mama has some bacon for you!" She disappeared in the bathroom, where the fridge was located, followed by a very happy mini-Balrog. Mae plopped down in front of the computer to start typing up a report on the case, which would detail Krissy's resourcefulness and commend Agent Laurel on her idea about how to take the Sue to her doom with the least fuss and bother.
Krissy reappeared from the bathroom, her clothes smoking slightly.
"I wonder how long it'll be before that infernal machine starts-"
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP!!!!]
"-that," Krissy finished with a sigh.
"No rest for the weary," Mae groaned. "It couldn't possibly be worse than this last one. Could it?"
Krissy fixed her with a cynical gaze. "Murphy's Law runs everything around here. It can always be worse." She glanced at the Words on the screen and fought an urge to drown herself in a vat of Bleepka. "And it is. Get over here."
But before Mae could, the console beeped again and a message flashed onscreen in huge red letters.
[AGENTS KRISSY AND MAE, REPORT TO UPSTAIRS IMMEDIATELY.]
"Uh-oh."