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The sky crackled and almost seemed to tear open as blue lighting struck the tip of Thalia’s spear, seeming to snap to life maliciously. Renya raised her shield in response, the glint of her dark eyes reflecting Thalia’s unnatural blue as she raised her bow ready for the incoming attack. Thalia charged forward bringing down her spear when-
Yup, this is my life. You may or may not be wondering how I, the 4614 year old god Apollo, is stuck in a situation where two absolute badass hunters are competing over the last piece of Little Caesars Pizza.
It’s quite simple actually.
See, my day started out fairly usual. I woke up with 30 seconds left to spare to raise the sun, listened to some Conan Gray songs and found an exclusive Greatest Show Man album at a small rundown music store in Kingston New York while simultaneously doing a poetry jam in Thailand, having breakfast with Sally and Estelle chatting over book writing techniques and my secret technique to making Etstelle sleep so easily (Magic Lullabies), and attempting to write the script for my Youtube video essay about ancient medicinal practices (Don’t ask, I think they’re fun). When Artemis used the ST network (The Secret Twin Network).
Are you busy?
I creased my eyebrows in confusion but responded none the less.
Uh, no? Why, do you need something?
Yes, I do actually.
Wait…did my totally aloof stubborn as a bull sister just…ask for help…? No no, surely not.
I need a… a favor
A FAVOR!? No, no, surely this cannot be! I am being deceived aren’t I?! Is this you Hermes!?
An audible sigh could be heard.
Yes brother, I do indeed need a favor. Would you mind swinging around our camp for a hot minute?
Why, what’s up? Do you need a ride?
No, no, just…you’ll see.
And with that strange note the line got cut off like putting down a rotary phone.
After a few seconds of having my brain process the conversation I’d just had I teleported over to my sister’s camp in Oregon. I had to admit, when my sister wanted to settle, she sure knew how to settle. The tall trees seemed to be trying their hardest to reach the sun as its rays flitied through the branches and boughs and perfectly landed on bits of mosses and ferns. The cool greens and the distant sound of a roaring waterfall. The gray rocks and tall cliffs around the area made it seem almost like the Colosseum (Obviously it wasn’t as tall as the colosseum, gods not, but still tall none the less). The hunters’ camp was set up in the middle a few hundred feet away with wafts of smoke just billowing up from finely constructed tents into the sky above. My sister peered at me from the edge of camp and motioned me over to her.
“Hey sis, what’s up?!” I smiled and opened my arms silently asking for a hug that she very clearly did not reciprocate.
“Hello to you too brother, I assume you’ve been well in the few weeks since we last spoke.”
“Yup, mostly been playing some Doom and finally finishing that script I’ve been telling you about-” One of the hunters behind me indignantly threw something on the ground and grumbled about the absurdity of marshmallows while the others all laughed. “I’m gonna take a one and million guess and say this about the hunters, isn’t it?”
Artemis sighed and vaguely waved to her gaggle of hunters all gathered around the campfire, none paid any attention to us. “I’ve gotten more recruits lately after… after Orion and the Battle of Manhattan left us pretty scarce. It’s been a bit easier lately to recruit people when sexuality is so rapidly talked about nowadays, it’s only natural more people realize that they don’t quite fit into the world’s sexual and romantic binary. Of course-” She glanced at me slightly, a hint of a smile grazing her face was just as rare as a blood moon. “You never really had any problems knowing that you fit those binaries just fine.”
Both her and I snickered as the fire crackled. “Anyway, what I was saying is that I have a lot more newbies here and I don’t think that I’ll be able to teach them all on my own, I can obviously teach tracking and whatnot without you since you’re unusually bad at those-” I whined indignantly. “- But archery is the most essential, and I need all the help I can get with that. I’m just…I don’t know how I’m going to handle this Apollo.” Artemis’ tone of utter defeat sent a pinging through my heart like someone just announced a toast using my chest to shame me for being a terrible brother.
“Sister I- I’m sorry that I didn’t notice.”
Artemis looked forlornly at her hunters then to me, a small frown on her face. She seemed a little shocked and appalled, but I don’t know why.
“Just-please Apollo…help me out today, alright? On the Styx?”
Artemis spoke those words like they physically hurt to say, like barbed wires circled around her throat but she had to scream for help. I was hesitant of course to oblige this request, especially when I wouldn’t be surprised if Styx came out of these woods right now and shot me in the head. But Artemis was clearly struggling and I had to help.
“Fine then Artemis, I swear on the Styx that I will not leave your Hunters’ sides today.”
Thunder rumbled through the valley and crackled and rebounded off of tree bark before settling into my godly bones. Artemis gave me a cruel, malicious, devious- oh...oh no.
“Artemis! Seriously! Come on you’re not actually-!” I spluttered, my hands spasming, no- no way! My sister surely did not just trick me into taking care of her hunters for the day! Artemis snapped her fingers and changed into an incredibly modest swimsuit, sun hat, and sunglasses.
“Later sucker! I’m going to Cabo with Mama!”
“Artemis don’t you even dare-!” But even as I was saying it, I knew it was too late. She evaporated into moon beams several feet away from my outstretched hand. All 70 heads of the hunters slowly turned toward me like owls stalking their prey and were all either trying their best not to bust out laughing, are currently busting out laughing, or being 2 painfully familiar faces being actually happy at my foolish decision merely 10 seconds ago. Thalia Grace, my sister’s lieutenant and my half-sister (Long story), and Reyna Avila Ramirez-Arellano, former praetor of Rome and someone who rejected me so hard that she joined an immortal maiden group (An Even longer and even more embarrassing story).
I sighed and sat by them as we caught up on each other's life.
How’s Camp Half Blood?
It’s ok, how’s the Hunters?
Excellent, is Leo ok?
I think he blew up a gas station a few days ago
Classic Leo
And so on and so forth. Our conversation carried on for a while before some hunters who were pretty obviously new by their stance, clothing choices, and sense of wonder in their eyes.
“Um…Mr. Phoebus-”
Thalia let out a curt snort before motioning ‘it’s nothing, keep going’ when we all glared at her.
“Just Apollo is fine-”
“-Or Lester.” Reyna helpfully interjected.
“-Yes Reyna, or Lester whichever you prefer…”
“Olivia.”
“Julie.”
“Can you teach us archery?” The third hunter blurted out before covering her mouth.
On one hand, I wanted to say heck no and leave them to my sister to take care of when she got back from her impromptu vacation with mama (The Nerve)...but on the other hand that I actually wanted to do, these were students and I was the god of education. I sighed and summoned my bow in a flash of gold.
“Alright… how much do you already know?”
And just like that Apollo’s one day beginners course on how to shoot began. We covered the basics such as spreading your feet shoulder width apart, not being afraid of pulling the string to your lip, aiming along your sight pin, finding the right draw strength, proper bow safety etc. etc.
After a few hours passed and only one injury that I had to heal I was feeling pretty good about myself. I almost wanted to gloat to my sister. HA! You thought this was soooo hard didn’t you! Well check out what I just did! I taught River how to not keep poking her eye out! Before I embarrassingly remembered that Artemis really didn’t have any trouble and just wanted to pawn off this process to me. You can’t really understand the feeling if you don’t have siblings. You love them and would both kill and die for them but would rather shoot them in the face before giving them your phone charger. But in all honesty, I felt a sense of peace that I hadn’t in months. Even with my friends and family, it wasn’t as peaceful and relaxing as doing something as both basic and interesting as teaching archery.
“Mr. Apollo?” I was taken out of my monologing by all three of my proteges huddling up to me. For some reason they all looked shorter than usual and a bit more pouty…oh. “We’ve been doing really well haven’t we?”
“Of course you 3 have.”
“And we’re been listening to everything you tell us to?”
“Sure, I couldn’t ask for better students.”
All three of them looked at each other before looking back at me.
“Could we…” Oh boy, what were they going to ask for? “...Have some Pizza?”
I was honestly a bit shocked before I erupted into cackles. Most of the older hunters who’d been planning how best to capture the Teumessian Fox all turned to me fearing for their life as if I’d suddenly turn into a Disney villain and steal all their voices. I quickly stopped when Lake, Olivia, and Julie’s faces shared their expression. I closed my eyes for a second before concentrating my consciousness into the me flying the sun over California ready to go straight back to bed. Peering over the side of the sun chariot I could make out a Little Caesars nearby. Now obviously I did not need to get Pizza that was nearby. I could have just as easily snapped my fingers and ordered authentic Italian Pizza or some from the local Lovely’s 50 50’s. But, I decided a fun challenge for the Pizza would be nice.
I put my fingers into my mouth and made a quiet whistle. Well, quiet for me. If I actually whistled I think that I’d blow up half of Oregon by mistake, and there’s too many indie bands here for me to even risk the possibility of that happening. All the hunters snapped their eyes to mine as I tried for my best, most utterly blinding smile.
“So…anybody want Pizza?”
Instantly the hunters screamed and pleaded like a pack of Hyenas. I explained to them the rules. There was a little Caesars about 7 miles away from their current camp. The first one to find it gets to decide all the toppings for everyone. They could choose literally anything they wanted and if anyone wanted pizza they’d have to eat it (Except for those who were gluten free and had allergies. Those guys got pity pizza of whatever they wanted). I waved them off as they all eagerly climbed trees or started running in whatever direction they thought they last saw a town.
My 3 archery students all watched apprehensively as they ran away and in Lake’s case pointed to them as if asking if they had to do that.
“I get the feeling that Artemis hasn’t taught you guys tracking yet, has she?” I asked, trying to make the smile on my face evident in my tone. All the 3 shook their heads profusely. “Well then…you guys just want the pizza for free?” All three of them eagerly agreed as I placed my hands on their shoulders and teleported them right to the entrance of the restaurant. As we were in line ordering, a very disgruntled Thalia Grace slammed open the door with Reyna charging in right after her. I admit, I was fairly shocked that they were the first people here. They were both very competent and strong fighters, sure, but not the best trackers. Especially compared to their fellow more experienced sisters.
“How did you-”
“I figured-” Reyna started, gripping her knees and breathing hard. “That you’d be there first to congratulate us or even cheat the newbies into their own pizza-”
Thalia piped up barely more short of breath than Reyna “-So we just tracked you.”
“And so other hunter of thought of doing that?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.
“Oh they did.” Reyna nodded just as a bunch bedrangled and glaring hunters entered, startling the other patrons. Maybe the mist made us look like a lacrosse team that just came back from their championship game, or maybe they thought we were a ragtag group of girl scouts ready to start a pitch sale in the middle of the restaurant like Willy Wonka. “We just slowed them down when they came after us.”
In the end, we ordered 35 pepperoni pies, which you think’d be enough for 70 hunters including those who just didn’t want Pizza right?... WRONG! As the hunters were talking, sharing stories and tracking tips or asking who would win in a fight questions. (Honestly those matchups were so creative it’s a bummer none of them had internet so they could post this online. One even asked who would win in a fight, arch angel Micheal or my father. I didn’t comment on who I thought would win however.)
As Thalia, Reyna and I were sharing our thoughts on how we would survive the zombie apocalypse (A classic brain teaser question) both Thalia and Reyna reached down into the box…and both grabbed the same slice. They both looked down at the box to find it was the last one…
And cue the opening hook where I mentioned their fighting, I think you get the jist. Sorry to cut the action scene short dear reader, I’m just feeling it today. Thalia won, if you’re curious. The only issue was that Lake ate their pizza slice while they were fighting so no one got it. A supreme lesson in sharing if I do say so myself.
As Thalia and Reyna calmed down, Reyna sat next to me, a pleasant smile on her face.
“Why did we even fight over the pizza in the first place? We could have just shared it and both gotten the last slice?”
“Reyna, you are officially smarter than every single nation that started a war right now.”
Reyna snickered “Ain’t that the truth Lesteropoulos!”
I took another bite of my pizza and sighed. “One day. One day I’m turning you all into constellations.”
Reyna bit back a laugh. “Good, ‘cause then I can be more than 149 million kilometers away from you.”
I laughed like I hadn’t all day and thought for once that maybe…just maybe Artemis did this for my own benefit.
…
Oh who am I kidding, of course she didn’t.