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Shane was sitting on the bench in the locker room tying his shoes. The room felt too quiet without Ilya’s running commentary. There was no off-key singing, no chirping at teammates, and no aggressively bass-forward playlist vibrating through the speakers. He also almost missed hearing Ilya’s rendition of Olivia Rodrigo’s debut album. Almost.
He picked up his phone from the bottom of his bag, intending to call Ilya to check on him and confirm that he was still alive after spending half the night violently ejecting the gas station sushi that he had declared was ”perfectly safe” and had told Shane to stop “being dramatic” when he strongly cautioned against eating said sushi. Shane had to restrain himself at two a.m. from saying “I told you so” when he woke up to Ilya sprawled on the bathroom floor, telling Shane to avenge him after his death. Ilya had suffered enough for his poor dietary choice so Shane kept his mouth shut.
The team doctor had given Shane a prescription for an anti-nausea medication after hearing about their night from Coach Wiebe. The slip of paper was in his jacket pocket waiting to be filled on his way home. If Ilya could keep down some fluid and calories, maybe he’d bounce back in time for practice the next day and possibly their game in two days. If he were being honest, Shane would settle for upright and not sleeping on the bathroom floor tonight. When he left the house earlier, Ilya had been lying on the couch, clutching a Gatorade and a trash can, looking absolutely pathetic, like the world had betrayed him. Shane held his tongue and did not remind him that the world had not betrayed him. It was gas station sushi and E. Coli.
He picked up his phone and immediately saw a stack of text notifications from Ilya. Many, many texts. Too many texts. Shane braced himself for whatever was waiting for him.
Ilya: Shane, why have you hidden this from me?
Shane paused and felt a prickle of unease crawl up his spine. What could Ilya have found? Shane did not typically hide things from Ilya outside of gifts and a few surprises here and there. Had Ilya found the “The Sneaky Chef” cookbook he had hidden underneath tubs of protein powder and super greens supplements in a kitchen drawer? It’s not Shane’s fault that his husband eats like a stubborn 10-year-old, and if Shane had to puree spinach into pasta sauce to get a vegetable in the man, then so be it.
He continued reading the wall of texts waiting for him.
Ilya: I look for honeymoon ideas and you have hidden the Honeymoon Capital of the World from me and is basically in our backyard.
Shane frowned and muttered “the honeymoon capital of the world” under his breath and tried to make sense of Ilya’s current fixation. This morning Ilya had announced that he was going to begin researching honeymoon locations for the summer while he recovered. They hadn’t been able to take one after their wedding last summer, so they agreed they would plan one this summer before they were busy with the camps. Shane had suggested Santorini or the French Riviera, imagining sun-drenched beaches, relaxation, and Ilya in a bathing suit glistening in the sun after a quick swim in the ocean. You know, normal honeymoon places.
Curiosity got the best of him and Shane opened the browser on his phone and googled “honeymoon capital of the world.” Instantly, his screen was flooded with images of Niagara Falls, lots of mist, cascading water, and people in plastic ponchos. So many plastic ponchos. Apparently, Niagara Falls is the honeymoon capital of the world and Ilya had discovered this fact while Shane was skating drills with their team. Judging by the wall of texts waiting for him, Ilya had many thoughts on this discovery.
Shane exhaled slowly. He already knew, with the resigned certainty of a man who loved his unstoppable husband, that they were going to Niagara Falls. The only question was what Ilya had already booked.
Ilya: Did you think I would not want to see natural wonder of the world?
Ilya:It is so close and we must experience the wonder.
Ilya: We will go first week of July before first camp in Ontario.
Ilya: I don’t know which boat tour to pick. Maid of the Mist is popular, but probably boring. You would like it.
Ilya: I will book the jet boat tour, instead. Less boring.
Ilya: I also buy Cave of the Wind Tours to see the hurricane deck.
Ilya: Since I am nice and is your honeymoon, you can pick a boring museum to go to.
Ilya: Look, they have yoga for you in front of waterfall. Since it is our honeymoon I will go with you as long as my mat is behind yours so I can enjoy the view.
Ilya: Should we have dinner at the restaurant that spins around? I will make reservation for us.
Ilya: Do you think we can get matching ponchos made?
Shane scrubs his hand over his face. He knows he shouldn’t be surprised. He knows his husband. Once Ilya latches onto an idea, he pursues it with the enthusiasm of a labrador retriever let loose in a tennis ball factory. He is sure that, by now, Ilya has probably booked the jet boat, revolving restaurant, tours, and a hotel with a view of the falls.
Shane had been to Niagara Falls several times with his parents. It was beautiful. Majestic and awe inspiring, even. But at the end of the day, it is still a waterfall. He knew that Ilya’s excitement would be impossible to resist. So, they were going to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon. And if Ilya wanted matching ponchos, how was he supposed to say no?
Shane was still staring at the last text when a shadow fell over him. He looked up to see Bood leaning over him.
“Is that Roz? How’s he doing? Is he still puking his brains out?”
Shane sighed and looked up at Bood. “Ilya’s planning our honeymoon.”
“Normally one does not look like they swallowed a bug when discussing their honeymoon. Is everything ok?”
“Define ok.” Shane muttered.
Hayes had clearly overheard enough of their conversation to chime in. “What’s Rozy done now?”
Shane exhaled slowly. “He discovered that Niagara Falls is the ‘honeymoon capital of the world.’”
There is a beat of silence that falls over the locker room.
Bood looked like Christmas had come early. “Niagara falls? That’s where my grandparents went on their honeymoon.”
“Isn’t that the place with the ponchos?” Dykstra asked.
Shane cringed. “He wants to get matching custom ponchos.”
The room lost it. Shane even saw Luca laughing. He stopped as soon as he felt Shane’s eyes on him and immediately schooled his face into something resembling sympathy.
Luca looked sheepish and said, “He texted me to find out your favorite color for a big surprise. What should I tell him?”
Shane could not muster an answer.
Hayes clapped him on the back before going back to getting dressed. “Congrats, man. You two will be the cutest little waterproof couple out there.”
Shane groaned. “He booked the jet boat. And the Cave of the Winds tour.”
“Isn’t that the cave where you basically stand inside one of the waterfalls?” Troy asks, unhelpfully.
“Yes.”
“We will miss you both.” Bood said solemnly. “We will only say nice things at your funerals.”
Luca cautiously asked, “Did you have any ideas for your honeymoon?” He looked around as if waiting for Ilya to jump out and demand that he explain why he would think Shane would not like any of the honeymoon activities Ilya has planned.
Shane slumped. “I suggested Santorini.”
“You could’ve been on a beach,” Bood said almost wistfully. “ Drinking wine. Eating Greek food. Not wearing a poncho.”
Shane nodded miserably. “Instead, I’m going to be drenched by a waterfall I’ve already seen three times.” He paused and re-read the excited texts Ilya had sent him about this trip. He would go anywhere that made Ilya that happy, though.
Bood grinned. “This is going to be amazing. You have to send us photos.”
Shane stopped at the pharmacy on his way home to get the anti-nausea medication for Ilya. While he waited for the prescription to be filled, he wandered the aisles and picked up some crackers, applesauce cups, and several bottles of Ilya’s favorite neon blue gatorade. Glacier Freeze is the superior blue flavor, per Ilya, even if Shane can’t taste the difference from Cool Blue.
The cashier takes a look at Shane’s bland, upset stomach friendly items and raises an eyebrow. “Rough day?”
Shane lets out a humorless huff. “You have no idea.”
The cashier nodded sympathetically in the way that people do when they assume you’re dealing with a stomach bug.
On his way out, something caught his eye. There was a display of umbrellas near the exit with cheerful patterns and colors. Hanging beside them were several plastic ponchos. Aggressively yellow ponchos that could be seen from space. He stopped and stared. For a moment he considered buying the ponchos. He could almost hear Ilya’s delighted gasp.
Then he pictured the two of them standing at Niagara Falls wrapped in the yellow plastic ponchos looking like two giant, sentient bananas, and decided against it. He will try to influence Ilya to choose a less abrasive poncho color.
The sky had become soft and grey in the early evening light. As he pulled onto the road leading to their house, he caught himself smiling because beneath the chaos of Ilya’s texts, there had been this unmistakable thread of pure, unfiltered excitement. Shane loved that he was one of the few people who got to witness Ilya without any filters.
Niagara Falls hadn’t been on Shane’s list for their honeymoon. Not even close. He’d imagined a sandy beach, warm breezes, the scent of sunscreen, and lazy mornings tangled in sheets with a cool sea breeze coming through their open windows. As he drove, the thought settled in his chest. He would go anywhere if it made Ilya happy. Even if it meant getting nearly drowned by a waterfall and if he spent the better part of his honeymoon looking like a blueberry or a banana in a matching poncho with his husband.
Shane pushed open the front door, already bracing himself for what he would find. The house was quiet except for the faint sound the deep voice of a documentary narrator saying something about “erosion over thousands of years.” He heard the taps of Anya’s nails on the wood floors and bent to pet her when she reached him. “What’s your Papa been up to today?” He asked as he followed her through the entryway.
He stepped into the living room. Ilya was on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, looking like a sickly burrito, curls limp, eyes glassy, and a half-empty bottle of Gatorade clutched in his hand.
With the hand not holding the Gatorade, Ilya dramatically points at Shane, “You hid Niagara Falls from me.”
Shane dropped the bags he was holding. “Hi. How’s your stomach?”
“Betrayed.” Ilya says. “By sushi. And by you.”
Shane sighed. “I didn’t hide Niagara Falls from you.” He wasn’t going to touch the betrayal of the gas station sushi. There was no point.
“You did.” Ilya insisted, trying to sit up while remaining wrapped tightly in his blanket burrito. “You knew it is honeymoon capital of the world. You knew this. Any you say nothing.”
“I didn’t know it was the honeymoon capital of the world.” Shane said. “I thought it was just a big waterfall.”
Ilya gasped like Shane had confessed to a murder. “Just a waterfall? Shane, it is natural wonder, it is majestic, it is powerful, it is its own ecosystem.”
Shane pinched the bridge of his nose and reached for the remote to pause the Niagara Falls documentary Ilya had apparently found. “Ilya, I’ve been there three times.”
“Then you should be expert.” Ilya said. “You can give me a tour.”
“That’s not.” Shane stopped. “Ilya, you booked the jet boat tour?”
“Yes.” Ilya said seriously. “We will be soaked. It will be amazing.”
Shane sat beside him and brushed a few damp curls off his forehead. “You also booked the Cave of the Winds?”
“Yes. We will stand under the waterfall.”
Shane groaned. “And the rotating restaurant?”
“I want to see 360 degrees of waterfall while eating steak. Is this a crime?” Ilya said.
“And the matching ponchos?”
Ilya perked up a bit. “You saw that text? I think blue would look very good on us. Very cheerful. Like giant happy blueberries.”
Shane opened his mouth to argue and then closed it. He wasn’t going to try to talk Ilya out of this. Honestly, blue was one of the least offensive colors Ilya could have chosen.
Ilya had sat up enough to lean his head against Shane’s shoulder. “You wanted a beach, I know.” He murmured. “But, I want to go to the Honeymoon Capital of the World with you. We did not get a honeymoon last year. I want to go like Jim and Pam from The Office. I want memories. Even if they are wet.”
Shane’s chest tightened in that annoying way it always did when Ilya said things like that.
He kissed the top of Ilya’s head. “We’ll go to Niagara Falls.”
Ilya beamed. “And have matching ponchos?”
Shane sighed, resigned. “Fine. But not yellow or orange.”
“I will order blue. We will be blueberries in love.”
-
Shane woke up to the unmistakable sounds of his husband rummaging around in the kitchen. He had turned his usual alarm off to allow both of them to sleep before their afternoon practice. A drawer slammed. Something loud and possibly metallic hit the tile floors.
Then he heard Ilya’s voice. It was far too chipper for someone who had been dying 24 hours ago. “Sweetheart? Where is blender? I need it for a recipe.”
Shane groaned and sat up. “What recipe?”
“Do not worry.” Ilya called back. “I am basically professional.”
This was the least reassuring sentence that Shane could imagine. He dragged himself out of bed and shuffled into the kitchen. Ilya stood at the counter wearing only pajama pants. He had three bottles of coconut water lined up on the counter and was peeling a banana.
Shane blinked. “You look like you’re feeling better.”
“I am reborn. Like a phoenix. But with electrolytes instead of fire.” Ilya said as he continued to peel a second banana.
“You told me last night before bed that you were sure that you had thrown up food you were going to eat in the future.”
Ilya waved dismissively. “That was the old me. Sushi-poisoned me. Today, I am strong. I have beat the sushi.”
Shane eyed the blender. “What are you making?”
“I am making a smoothie. For health. For strength. Don’t worry. I am making enough for two.” Ilya said, dropping the banana into the blender with a dramatic flair.
Ilya started blending the smoothie. Shane watched as it turned beige and then, curiously, green.
Shane frowned. Ilya always complained when Shane made him a green smoothie because he said the super greens powder tasted like eating grass. “Did you put the super greens powder in the smoothie?”
“No.” Ilya said, somewhat evasively. “I put in spinach. You can’t taste it once it’s been blended up. Spinach is good for you. I will buy more if you need it for dinner.”
Shane narrowed his eyes. “You’re putting spinach into your smoothie because you can’t taste it once it’s been blended?”
Ilya paused mid-blend. “Yes.”
Shane crossed his arms and stared at Ilya.
Ilya sighed dramatically. “I found your sneaky vegetable book. You hide it like shameful secret.”
“Because you eat like a child!”
“I saw a cartoon that had man with big arms eating spinach. I have big arms so I eat spinach now.” Ilya said a bit smugly as he poured two smoothies.
Shane took his glass and sniffed it suspiciously. “What did you put in this?”
“Banana, spinach, coconut water, and your gross protein powder.” Shane stared at him and set the glass back down.
Ilya suddenly gasped and smiled broadly at Shane. “I forgot to tell you last night. I booked a helicopter tour.”
Shane’s smile died. “You, what?”
“It flies over waterfalls.” Ilya said as if this was a completely normal conversation to be having at seven in the morning. “Very beautiful. Very romantic. You will love.”
Shane shook his head and muttered “I married a menace.”
“Yes.” Ilya agreed cheerfully. “But I am your menace”
-
Centaurs Assemble Group Chat
Ilya: [A photo of Shane standing in the living room wearing a bright blue poncho with the word “groom” on the front in large font. His arms are stiff at his sides. He looks like a blueberry whose soul has left his body]
Bood: I can’t breathe. He looks like he’s about to audition for Willy Wonka.
Hayes: He looks like a raindrop that gave up on life.
Troy: He looks like an angry Ikea bag.
Shane: Why would you send that?
Ilya: Because you look cute. Like a little grumpy blueberry.
Bood: This is the greatest day of my life. I’m going to print this and hang it in the locker room to improve morale.
Ilya: I will send you the original for better resolution.
Shane: Ilya.