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Um wow. It's been a while since I've actually written out thoughts and gibberish. I'm not sure how to really start. Much has happened recently, too much. Maybe this can be entertainment for somebody (?) Or, idk omg ok I'll js start ranting ((T_T))
Since 2026 started, I have broken my 4 month streak of not cutting myself. I relapsed during the 1st or 3rd day of 2026, though I am not sure since my memory is very blurry and messed up. This year, I've became closer friends with someone. We'll call her "24". 24 and I became friends about a year ago during 2nd semester of my sophomore year in highschool. Normally, I'm not one to go out of my way to talk to someone, let alone ASK them to be my friend out of nowhere. But, I did end up doing that. Why? Stupid STUPID reason. I heard her talking to the teacher, since I was sitting near the teachers desk I was able to hear her. Her voice instantly caught my attention, it's hard to even try to describe what she sounds like. But I just remember wanting to hear more. The best way I can describe it is; soft ? Light ? And gentle ? Though, these words fall flat in actually trying to image what her voice is like without ever hearing it in person. I remember I saw her watching a undertale comic-dub during class. It was 11AM, and it kind of made me laugh a bit, tho I'm not sure she noticed. Since she was trying to be sneaky about making the Chromebook face the other way. When I did ask her to be my friend, I didn't really TALK. Instead, I worked up the courage to pass her a note. Her back was towards me since the way the desks were positioned let me sit near her but not next to her. In the note I drew sans (???) I think? I can't recall, but it had something to do with undertale. Stupid enough, we did start talking. Sadly. It was painfully awkward in the beginning, it made me feel like I was harassing this poor girl for no reason. As time went on, we did talk more and got to actually call eachother "friends" ? Tho it felt more like acquaintances.
We would hang out during lunch time and sometimes after school, but we could go days and weeks without talking or messaging eachother. I found it nice, though, I never thought of her any more than any other friend. Well, that was until this year. I don't remember when it started happening, but she started sharing more things about herself. Telling me some small problems here and there, some thoughts, some questions and such. Though, of course I sis reply, comforting her even when it was just small comments or her saying she was tired. Though, about a month or 2 ago. She cried in front of me. It was such a strange and bizarre thing. I didn't know what to say, how to help, and what to do. She was crying due to being overwhelmed (my best guess). She was telling me about a friend she had years ago, that was no longer with her, and how much it hurt her. I was silent, like a stupid statue not knowing what words to reply with. I remember having to go, since someone came to pick me up, even tho I wanted to stay to help her in some way, I was forced to leave. I gave her a hug and told her to message me once she got home, or whenever.
By that time, I forgot to mention that I did give her a bracelet. It was a silver (?) Bracelet that had small hearts hanging from it with soft pink beads. I had gotten it from a thrift shop during a very happy day before when I spent my day with my cousins and watched a festival. I didn't pay much mind to that bracelet, I wouldn't think 24 would actually wear it.
But once she got home after crying, she started messaging me, she was saying concerning stuff. Hinting at self harm and suicide. At first, I didn't care. Honestly, back then I wouldn't have given a fuck if she died. She was just some other person I would talk to from time to time. I was honestly hoping she would stop texting me while I was comforting her. But. That didn't end up happening.
I guess the situation that was happening, and my unresolved PTSD decided to clash at that very moment. I did end up having a panic attack, filled with sudden unwanted care and worry for her. I cried, and I called 911 on her. For her to be checked up. She was already apologizing at that time, realizing that I actually cared. But all I could think about was empty cold eyes staring back at me. I hate the idea of a stiff body. Of being too scared to hold something once it's no longer there for you to see your reflection from their own eyes. It terrified me. 24 ended up being okay at the end. She got checked up on and she said she was safe. I felt disgusted and guilty for what I did. I couldn't stop crying and feeling like I wanted to throw up. I felt bad for calling 911 on her, like, what's wrong with me??? People kept telling me that I did the right thing. But I do regret it. If someone did that to me I would have never forgiven them. A funny thing she ended up telling me after was that while she was in the middle of cutting her arm to bleed out and die, that she couldn't, due to that bracelet being on her wrist. And her eyes not being able to look away. She told me she tried throwing it away and getting rid of it. But for some reason, she just couldn't bring herself to do it. I still don't understand why. How did it help? Did it really mean that much? Or was it just hesitation pretending to be something else. I will never know, since I don't want to ask such things to her.
Me and 24 are still friends. Best friends actually, it wasn't my idea but hers. Tho when she asked if we could be best friends, I couldn't help but feel.. bad? Though I accepted, since this is someone who did almost kill themselves and obviously has struggles. Tho, I regret it a bit. In march, i got SA'd twice by her. I believe it was march (?) But. It does make me think. Why couldn't I just mind my own business and not say anything to her during that stupid 2nd semester. Though, I do like her company, and she is a good friend at times. I have much guilt, and many clashing feelings about a lot of stuff. I just wish I would have done something different. But, I am thankful in a way.
I just hope it goes away soon.