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The year was 1999. And by 1999, I mean 776. Thracia 776 to be exact. Leif of Leonster and his loyal retainer Finn had joined the Fiana Freeblades on one of their routine missions. But when they came back to Fiana, they found the village ransacked.
“This is terrible!” said a random villager. “Duke Raydrik came and kidnapped Nanna and Mareeta!”
Eyvel, the leader of the Fianna Freeblades, seethed with anger. Those were her adopted daughters! How dare he lay a finger on them! But wait, why does she feel like someone else is missing?
“Finn, Eyvel, everyone else.” Leif said., determined and leader-like. A pair of sunglasses magically appeared on his face. “It’s time for us to take back Thracia.”
The Fiana Freeblades cheered. Leif took the sunglasses and threw them in the coolest way possible.
“Finn,” he snapped. “It’s time we bring out the big guns. And while we’re at it, maybe some big guns.”
“My lord,” Finn said, “You do not mean—“
“Yes.” Leif’s eyes narrowed, as if he were looking at a flashback no one else could see. “My father’s prized possession.”
Due to his lack of major Njorun blood, Leif was unable to wield the legendary Gae Bolg. But what Leif lacked in major blood was made up for in anger and spite. This allowed him to wield an even stronger weapon, one equally as revered by his bloodline: a rusty 1993 Ford Ranger.
“Lord Leif,” said Finn, getting into the passenger seat, “You do not have a drivers license. In fact, you are not old enough to get a learner’s permit yet. Are you sure you should be driving?”
Eyvel took one of those fold-down seats in the back, while all the Freeblades piled into the bed of the truck.
“This is Jugdral,” said Leif. “No one has a driver’s license.”
He turned on the angriest punk rock he could think of and hit the gas. The sheer G-Forces threw Osian out onto the ground.
Unfortunately, Finn’s fears were proved right all too soon— on their way to Fort Kelbeth, Leif hit an old man with the truck. He would have kept driving, but both Eyvel and Finn held him back and stopped the car.
“Augh… Auuugh… Auugggghh.” The poor man laid on the ground, both arms flopped back, one leg bent sideways. “Auuuuugh.”
Finn rushed to the man’s side. “Lord Leif, look at what you have done!”
“I’m practicing for when I see Raydrik,” said Leif. “Is that a problem?”
“Yes, that is a problem!” Eyvel held a vulnerary to the man’s mouth. “You can’t hit innocent people!”
“You don’t know he’s innocent.”
Eyvel scowled in a way only a mother could. “Innocent until proven guilty, Leif.”
The man coughed. “She’s right, young lord. You need to watch where you steer that thing.”
“Whatever,” said Leif. “You wanna kill Raydrik with us?”
“I am not a fighter, but I can offer advice,” said the man. “My name is August, and I am—“
“Just get in the backseat.”
The four piled back into the truck, August taking the seat next to Eyvel. He complained about Leif’s lack of manners the entire way to Fort Kelbeth.
When they arrived, a platoon of soldiers waited at the gates for them. Leif knocked them aside with the truck like a set of bowling pins.
Duke Raydrik heard all this from his posh lounge above the torture dungeon. He got up from his red velvet chaise and twirled his mustache. “I see the brat and his entourage have arrived! Now to put my evil plan into motion…”
Leif was about to run over another set of guards when Raydrik stepped out onto a balcony. He held his arm tight around Nanna.
“Fudge!” Said Leif, except he didn’t say fudge. “He’s got Nanna. I can’t run over Nanna!”
“Guards!” Raydrik pointed an accusing finger at Leif. “Arrest him for driving over the speed limit!”
Leif handed the keys over to Finn. “If they arrest me, take everyone and get out of here!”
Finn opened his mouth to protest, but it was too late— both Leif and Eyvel had jumped out of the truck for no good reason. They stood no chance against the Duke’s men. Leif and Eyvel were separated. The former attempted to fight back, but was promply bonked on the head with a metal pipe.
Leif woke up in a nondescript prison cell. Torchlight cast grim shadows across the stone walls. Thankfully, there were no rats, unless you count the weird guy in the corner.
“Hey,” said the weird guy. “What are you in for?”
Leif’s head ached. “Speed limit or something.”
“Speeding, huh?” The guy combed a hand through his hair. “I committed tax fraud.” He took his greasy hand and held it to Leif. “I’m Lifis.”
“I’m Leif,” said Leif. He took Lifis’ hand and shook. “You seem familiar.”
“I’m sure I have done nothing to you ever.”
“Right, then…” Leif did a thing. “Anyways—“
Just then, the wall behind them exploded into a million pieces. Light streamed into the cell. A young man stood before them, face shrouded in shadow. His cape billowed in the wind.
“Greetings, Lord Leif,” he said. The dust around him subsided, and Leif got a closer look at his face. “I am Ced, leader of the Magi Squad, and I am here to assist in your escape.”
“Thank you, Ced,” said Leif. “I really appreciate it. But how do you know who I am, and how did you know I was here?”
“Plot reasons,” said Ced. “Now, shall we be off? Your retainer Finn is waiting nearby.”
“Hey, wait!!!!” squealed a voice. “Don’t forget us!!!!”
Leif turned around to see two people in the cell across from him. One waved her hand through the bars.
Ced’s face brightened with recognition. “Oh, hello Karin, Fergus. What are you two doing here?”
“Tax evasion!!!!” chirped Karin, the one waving her hand.
The blond, Fergus, sighed. “She did it, not me.”
“Well then, come along and we’ll get you a spot on the battle bus,” said Ced. “And perhaps you, too, sir…”
“Lifis,” said… well, Lifis.
“Wonderful. Now, in order to join the battle bus, you have to sign a waiver clarifying that you may not be relevant for the rest of this fic—“
“Yeah, nope, I’m out,” said Lifis. “Gonna go steal some stuff. See you all later.” He walked off very casually for someone who’d just admitted to larceny.
“Alright then.” Ced cleared his throat. “Lady Eyvel, Miss Nanna, and Miss Mareeta are being held at the arena. We believe that Duke Raydrik is going to force Lady Eyvel to fight in a set of battles, likely to her death. As for Nanna and Mareeta, we are unsure. But there is still time to save all of them.” He gestured in a nondescript direction. “Sir Finn and Father August are waiting for you outside.”
“Thank you, Lord Ced,” said Leif. He rushed out to wherever the truck was.
“Lord Leif!” Finn gasped, exiting the truck and switching to the passenger side. “Thank the gods you’re okay. Lord Ced told me everything. If we leave now we can make it before the battles begin.”
Leif hopped into the driver’s seat. He turned the key, and the engine revved to life. He took a look at the thingy behind the wheel. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, except—
“What the… why is our gas mileage so bad?”
“I think the truck is almost full,” said Finn. “We’re being weighed down. There are so many people squished in the bed that I can’t even count them. It’s as if they’re human tetris blocks.”
August turned around to take a head count. “Let’s see… there’s Halvan, Dagdar, Tanya, Marty, Ronan… I don’t remember picking up a cleric but there’s one back there… Machuya, Brighton, Lara, Gandalf the Grey, and Gandalf the White, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail’s Black Knight…” He stopped, unable to prevent the song from getting stuck in his head.
Leif rolled down his window. “Hey, Ced?”
Ced [actioned]. “Yeah?”
“Can we offload some people onto your caravan?”
“Of course,” said Ced. “You see, the battle bus is bigger on the inside—“
“Alright,” Leif shouted, “if you didn’t join in Chapter One get out the back of the truck!”
A gaggle of units unloaded from the bed like a horde of clowns from a clown car. Tanya and Dagdar had to carry Marty out, as he was stuck in the shape of an S tetrimino and required medical assistance.
It didn’t take long for everyone to settle down. Leif slammed his foot down and sped off. He clipped out of bounds and set a new any% speedrun record. Every Super Mario 64 player within a five mile radius shuddered.
Leif plowed through the brick wall of the arena. Eyvel jumped back in surprise, narrowly avoiding a brick to the face. And also a truck.
Raydrik peered down from the balcony above. Next to him stood a cloaked figure with the biggest wart in jugdral on his forehead. He probably should have gotten that thing checked out a long time ago.
“What the— how did the brat escape?” Raydrik gasped.
Leif jumped out the truck. Behind him, Eyvel ushered Nanna to safety inside the truck. “Get down here, you coward!”
Raydrik scowled. He hefted himself onto the balcony and prepared to jump. The wizard tried to protest, but it was too late— Raydrik landed right in front of Leif, his ankles somehow not broken. He pointed his sword at the young man.
“You dare challenge me, you little whelp? I have the power of the Loptyr Sect at my side. None can think to touch me! Much less a pathetic orphan like you! I was there when your grandparents died, and I reveled in their screams! Now I shall do the same to you! Blah blah blah, blah blah blah…”
Leif paid no attention to any of what Raydrik was saying and got back in the truck. He pressed the gas as hard as he could.
“Now prepare for— oh dear gods.”
BLAM.
Raydrik went flying into the air. He disappeared into the sky, a star twinkling in his wake. Everyone cheered. Well, everyone except the wizard.
“Wait,” he said. “That wasn’t supposed to happen. There’s still a bunch of chapters left. We hadn’t even brought out Mareeta.”
Leif raised an eyebrow. “Do I look like I care?”
“Now I’ve got to go find his body,” sneered the wizard. “Thanks for that.” He vanished in a cloud of purple smoke.
“Well crap,” said Leif. “Okay, where’s Mareeta?”
Nanna pointed to a door emanating with purple miasma.
Leif sighed. “Of course.”
The door splintered into a million pieces as Leif rammed right through it. Mareeta stood menacingly in the middle of a dark room. She held a dark sword in her hands, which appeared to be what the miasma was coming from.
Leif rolled down his window. “Mareeta… we gotta save this dog gone continent.”
“Saven hablar espanol?” asked Mareeta.
“No time for dat, Mareeta…” said Leif. He slammed open his door. “Get in!”
Mareeta hopped into the poor excuse of a backseat menacingly.
“When did Mareeta start speaking spanish?” Asked Finn.
Leif shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe it’s a side effect of the possession?”
Mareeta growled. Menacingly. The cabin filled with dark, plumy smoky stuff from her sword.
Nanna coughed and fanned her face. “Mareeta, can you please get rid of that sword? I think it’s fogging up the car.”
“No.”
Eyvel took the sword and threw it out. It landed right in the head of a random dark mage.
“Anyways,” Leif continued, “It seems like we have a new guy to kill if we want to save Thracia. But first, we’re going to feast like kings.”
Leif pulled into the Taco Bell drive thru. He rolled down his window.
The voice from the speaker was grainy and distorted. “Wlcm t’ tko bel, m’ I tk yr ordr?”
“Hi, uh, I’d like a Doritos Locos Taco Combo with a Baja Blast and… uh…” he turned to the backseat. “What do you guys want?”
“Nacho fries and sprite.”
“Grilled Cheese Burrito.”
“Just a black coffee.”
“Las almas de los inocentes.”
“Chicken Quesadilla.”
Leif turned back to the speaker. “A large thing of nacho fries, a grilled cheese burrito, a large sprite, a large coffee… Uh… what did Mareeta say?”
Eyvel pat Leif’s shoulder. “Get her a crunchwrap.”
“A crunchwrap supreme, one quesadilla combo… Oh crap, did anyone ever ask the guys in back?”
Nanna opened the back window. “What do you guys want?”
The minimum wage employee taking their order groaned. Not that Leif and co. heard that.
“They want a party pack of tacos and root beer,” Nanna said, closing the window.
Leif leaned closer to the speaker. “Do you all do party packs or is that an online only thing?”
At this point, the employee was banging their head against the wall.
“Oh, get some cinnamon twists too,” Nanna said. “I love those things.”
The employee sighed. It came out the other end as pure static. “Wll tht b’ all?”
“I think so, yeah.” Leif drove away before hearing the price. He shlunked a bag of Raydrik’s gold into the employee’s arms. “That enough?”
The employee’s eyes went wide. All the pent-up tears began to flow free. Half were joyous, half were from a newly-broken finger. “Yeah. That’s enough. Please pull over in the designated spot.”
It took twenty minutes to receive their order.
The heavenly taste of the cinnamon twists snapped Mareeta out of the curse... mostly. She still spoke spanish.
“Alright,” said Leif. “Anyone got any ideas on where Raydrik’s body landed?”
“No, but I know some who may have some insight into the manner.” August took the map out of the glove compartment, squishing Finn in the process. He pointed to a dot labeled ‘Meath’. “The exiled Duke Dryas and some of Finn’s fellow knights are under the protection of General Hannibal. Even if they do not know where Raydrik has ended up, they should prove to be helpful allies.”
Leif groaned. “Do we have to go to Hannibal? He’s a terrible unit.”
“I said we would ask for help, not recruit him,” said August. “And you shouldn’t say such things, Lord Leif. They are rude.”
Leif responded with some sarcastic baby talk. Since no one else had any ideas, he reluctantly got on the road to Meath.
(This is the part where Hicks joins.)
Unbeknownst to Leif and his companions, King Travant just happened to be camping in the mountains near Hannibal’s villa. Thankfully for them he didn’t recognize them. He just thought they were bandits, which wasn’t much better.
“Ah, great,” said Leif, spotting the horde of knights headed in his direction. “I just cleaned the truck. Now it’s gonna get dirty again.”
Eyvel placed a hand on Nanna’s shoulder. “Close your eyes. This is going to get gruesome.”
Leif was in the middle of creating human roadkill when Finn suddenly screamed.
“WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!” He reached over and yanked the wheel. The car jerked to the side. “Those are blue units! Don’t run over them!”
“Blue units?” Leif slammed on the break. “Where?”
Finn dove out the side window and did a cool roll, then ran up to some blue units. “Look, Lord Leif! These are my fellow knights of Leonster! It’s been years since I’ve seen them. Ah, I’m so glad you all are alive. Blah blah blah…”
Leif sighed. “Yeah… I’ll just meet you up at the villa.” He drove off.
“I haven’t seen Finn that happy since… um… ever,” Eyvel said. “But I feel like I’m forgetting something.”
They pulled up to the villa, which conveniently had a driveway.
“Dryas and Hannibal should be inside,” August said. “Dryas will be ecstatic to see you, but Hannibal I am not so sure of. Especially since you seem to hate him…” He said that last part under his breath.
“We need disguises,” said Leif. One smash cut later and the gang was all wearing fake glasses with mustaches. “Perfect!”
They all walked into the villa. It was decorated like a villa, and smelled like one too. Leif was so enamored with the interior design that he walked right into an absolute giant of a man. He looked up and all he could see was angry eyes and a beard.
“Hello, yes, excuse me good sir,” Leif said in a weird voice. “I was merely taking a stroll in this lovely villa.”
“Dryas is in back,” said the giant known as Hannibal. “I’m sending him out with Carrion. They’ll be escorting you to Tarrah.”
“Why Tarrah, good sir?”
Hannibal grunted. “Don’t question me. Your disguises suck, by the way.”
“Thank you, good sir.”
And so he left.
Dryas truly was esctatic to see Leif. He extended his one arm as if he were to give a one armed hug. “Ah, Lord Leif! I haven’t seen you since you were a wee lad! It’s so good to know you’re still alive! Now we can reclaim Leonster from the empire and restore it to its former glory! Blah blah blah…”
Leif’s brain turned to television static. August slapped him on the back of the head and brought him back to the present. He then got back in the drivers seat. Dryas squished into the truck bed between Tanya and Dagdar.
“Hannibal and Dryas suggested we go to Tarrah, as we may find Raydrik’s body there,” August said. “But in order to get there, we’ll have to go through…”
Leif and Nanna gasped. “The perfume department!”
August squinted. “No, not the perfume department. Fort Dandrum. What are you two even talking about?”
“That one time spongebob and patrick had to…” Leif shook his head. “You know what, never mind. I’m just gonna drive.”
Soon they arrived at Fort Dandrum. There was a giant sign on top with ‘Dandrum’ crossed out. On top of that was a cheap canvas banner labeled “America”. A starred and striped flag fluttered in the wind.
“There it is,” said Finn. “Fort America.”
August, Nanna, Eyvel, and Mareeta peered in from the backseat. It was like the Asteroid Field scene from the Empire Strikes Back but with more people and way less room.
“General Kempf is in there,” said August. “He has many men, as well as these newfangled things called guns and motorcycles. Also many eagles he has trained to hunt children for sport. I have even heard reports he has hired a fire mage named Michael Bay to outfit Fort America with explosives. We must be careful, Lord Leif.”
So Leif did the most careful thing he possibly could: Ignored everything August just said.
Kempf watched from the balcony. “Finally,” He said, lowering his binoculars. “These idiots have fallen into my trap! In America!” He finished his double bacon cheeseburger and coke and stormed down the stairs. One of his men handed him a machine gun, which he cocked like Shadow the Hedgehog. “Come at me, you twerps!”
Kempf, however, did not account for the power of the pickup truck. In America.
The pickup truck slammed through the wall, speakers blaring. “DIG THROUGH THE DITCHES AND BURN THROUGH THE WITCHES AND SLAM IN THE BACK OF MY DRAGULAAAAAAAAA!!!!”
Kempf barely caught sight of Leif’s smug smile before his untimely demise.
Olwen and Fred emerged from the dungeons. Children covered in talon scratches and feathers followed behind them.
“Dang,” said Olwen. “I wish I’d gotten to do that.”
Miles away, a guy named Perne was doing some questionable things. Lots of them.
“Hey man,” said a guy named Troude. “I think kidnapping a child might be a bit far.”
Perne dangled a caterpillar in front of Tina’s face. “She’s like, 12, that’s not a child. And all I’m doing is annoying her. Ooh, scary bugs, oooh…”
Troude sighed. “Listen, I joined for the whole Robin Hood steal from the rich and give to the poor thing, not whatever this is. I really think you might have karma coming for ya.”
Perne turned and placed his hands on his hips. “Oh yeah? Well then.” He stretched his arms wide. “Oh, hear me gods! If I am doing something wrong, then strike me down right now!”
Crickets.
“See?” Perne smirked. “Nothing hap-“
SPLAT. A dirty white pickup truck zoomed by, turning Perne into a pancake. A pernecake. Then the battle bus showed up, pulled over, let Tina, Troude, and Salem in, and ran over Perne again.
Leif and co arrived in Tarrah just as the truck ran out of gas. Thankfully there was a gas station right on the outskirts of town. They all got out of the truck to stretch their legs while August refueled.
Nanna was standing somewhere when a random sleazy guy walked over.
“Hey, hot stuff,” said the guy she would not know as Homer. He winked. “Wanna go have some fun, if you catch my drift?”
Nanna faked a gag.
Just then, Finn and Leif exited the gas station with their bounty— a giant can of Arizona Iced Tea, a bag of beef jerky, some of those small cakey donuts with powder or waxy chocolate on them, a thing of funyuns, and a six pack of Mountain Dew.
“Lord Leif,” said Nanna, “Can I borrow the keys for one moment?”
Leif dug them out of his pocket and tossed them over. “Go nuts.”
Nanna hopped into the driver’s seat and started the truck. She ran over Homer.
“I feel like this joke is getting old already,” Finn said. “We’ve got to get some more slapstick gags going.”
“Hace un tiempo que no hablo,” said Mareeta.
Eyvel snapped her finger. “Oh, I think I’ve got one! We should… uh… Erm… I forgot.”
As it turned out, Arion had managed to reach Tarrah’s governing body before Leif could. And by governing body, I mean a singular 17 year old girl. Apparently the people of Tarrah were so focused on bloodlines that they didn’t consider that might be a bad idea. At least give her some help, dang it.
Arion took one look at Leif and sighed. “Dude. Get out.”
Leif frowned. “You can’t tell me what to do.”
“If my dad finds you here, he’s going to murder you.”
“And? I can’t just let you take over the city.” He turned to Linoan. “Isn’t that right?”
Linoan furrowed her brow. “Aren’t you that kid that got my dad killed?”
“You’re all surrounded. No matter what, you’re getting taken over.” He placed his hands on his hips. “Would you rather have the child murdering satanic cult take over the city?”
Leif and Linoan shook their heads.
“Yeah, thought not.” Arion pointed in a random direction. “Now get out before you die.”
So they left.
At this point, the group had two possible paths they could take. But no one could decide which one to go with because decisions are hard.
“East,” said August. “We should recruit Conomor.”
“West,” said Dryas. “We should recruit Amalda.”
“Tu no eres Shannan,” said Mareeta, to a man pretending to be her cousin.
The man scoffed. “Yes I am! Only Prince Shannan can do this!” He attempted to do a really cool trick. He failed so badly Mareeta magically learned Astra and proceeded to make him look like an idiot. Then she kicked his butt.
“I don’t care,” Leif said. “Whoever we recruit is just gonna end up in the battle bus. Just flip a coin. Heads is east, tails is west.”
August flipped a coin. It landed on [redacted].
“Well, that settles it,” Leif said, throwing his hands up. “We’re going [redacted].”
They took the nondescript path through the nondescript area.
Up ahead, a mysterious child named Sara stared wistfully into the distance. She came from a bloodline full of powerful mages and visionaries. He grandfather was none other than the leader of the Loptyr Sect, Manfroy. Only they could wield the legendary Kia Staff. Sheltered from the outside world all her life she had only one wish.
“Mister Linecock, can we go see the Mario Galaxy movie?”
The unfortunately named Linecock looked down at her. “No.”
Sara pouted. A tear formed in the corner of her eye. “I hate this place! I’m running away!”
“Good luck with that,” Linecock laughed. He watched as she disappeared into the distance. “The eagles will just swoop down and get ya. Then they’ll bring you right back to me.”
Thankfully for Sara, Leif drove up at just that moment.
“Oh thank goodness,” said Sara. “I’ve been praying for someone to come and rescue me. This place is terrible! They won’t let me see the Mario Galaxy movie!”
Leif smiled. “If you tell me where that wizard went, I’ll take you to see the Mario Galaxy movie. You in?”
Sara blinked. “You mean Mr. Veld? The one with the big wart? Sure! I’d do that for free!”
Finn gasped. “Lord Leif, this is kidnapping! This will make us no better than Perne!”
“It’s not kidnapping if it’s consensual!” He picked Sara up like one would a wooden plank. “Into the back with you.”
Sara squealed as if she were a little german boy whose mother had just let him play fortnite and drink cola. “Yippee!”
“Alright,” said Leif, dusting his hands off, “Where did you say Veld was?”
“Munster,” said Sara. “In the basement. Now quick, before the eagles come.”
As if on cue, a flock of eagles swooped down upon the truck. Talons scratched against glass and metal, giving out an unholy shriek. A furry of feathers whipped in the wind.
“Oh gods,” said Leif. “I can’t see!”
The truck pitched forward, then lifted off the ground. It rocked back and forth. Leif’s stomach felt like it was doing somersaults. He realized how lucky they’d been not to trigger the eagle trap back at Fort America.
“Leif,” screamed Eyvel, “The horn! Press the horn!”
“What good is that gonna do?” Leif snapped. “We’re who knows how many feet up in the air!”
Mareeta did not emote at all. “Todos estamos muertos.”
“Just try something!” Eyvel reached over the seat and attempted to hit the horn.
“No!” Leif and Finn tried to block her, but in doing so, hit the horn themselves. It played ‘La Cucaracha’. The eagles squealed and dropped the truck from their grasp. It began a rapid descent. Everyone screamed, except Mareeta, who screamed in spanish.
CRASH. The truck slammed through stone, then hit the ground with a slam. An earthquake monitor nearby registered it as a 2.0 on the Richter scale.
The dust settled. Leif rolled down his window and asessed the damage. A hand stuck out from the rubble underneath the truck. “Oops, looks like we squished a guy.”
“Amazing!” said Finn. “The eagles took us to Leonster!”
General Xavier, who had narrowly missed being crushed by a truck, beamed with joy. “Everyone, come out, come out, wherever you are! It’s a miracle!”
Soldiers spilled in from every hall. Cheers arose at the sight of Gustaf’s crushed body. Even more people rushed in, likely now-freed hostages. All of them began to sing.
“Ding-dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch is dead!”
“I thought he was a baron,” Nanna whispered, as to not ruin their song.
Xavier raised his arms high and addressed the crowd. “Gustaf is morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead!”
August got out of the truck. He took in a sharp breath. “And unfortunately, so is Dryas.”
“Wait, what?” Leif hopped out and ran to August’s side. Sure enough, Dryas was face down on the stone, lots of raspberry jam around him. At least that’s what Leif hoped it was.
“He couldn’t hold on when we fell,” said Tanya. She and the rest of the gang in the truck bed were covered in feathers and bird poop. “He only had one arm!”
“Oh.” Leif looked to the ground. “Selfina is gonna kill me.”
Eyvel peeked out the truck door. “I suggest we leave before she finds us.”
“We can’t,” August said, “According to GameFAQs, we have to wait six months before the next chapter.”
Leif scowled. “Six months? I’m not waiting six months!” He jumped back in the truck (oml I am tired of saying this). “Get in losers! We’re going to go kill Raydrik again!”
The soldiers assisted them in removing their truck from the rubble. They gave them a warm send off and waved goodbye as the truck set off down the yellow brick road.
Somewhere else, a man named Reinhardt studied for his sword certification test. Out of nowhere something scratched at the back of his brain. He set down his book.
“Funny,” he said to no one in particular. “I feel as if something bad was supposed to happen to me just now.”
He resumed his studies.
Leif drove to Munster. I’m not explaining how. It’s been 4.8k words. You should know by now. By this point the battle bus had caught up with them. Not explaining that either. Are you even still reading at this point?
“There it is,” Leif said. “Fort America.”
August narrowed his eyes. “That’s Munster.”
“Close enough.” He gripped the steering wheel. “It’s now or never. Everyone ready?”
“Ready!”
“Never better!”
“Podemos arreglar mi habla de una vez?”
“I will follow you wherever, Lord Leif.”
“Then let’s do this.” Leif revved up the truck. “LEIFROY JEEEENKIIIINS!”
Thankfully, the door to Munster castle was A. Open and B. Wide enough to fit a truck. No property damage occurred upon Leif’s dramatic entrance. To the castle, that is. Not the secret satanic cult basement. He broke a lot of priceless artifacts going down there.
Such a sudden arrival took the cultists by surprise. “Oh my Loptyr, he just ran in!”
“Finally!” Leif kicked open the door and hurled himself out. He drew his sword. “I was getting so tired of driving!”
“It’s the blue units!” Yelled a cultist. “Everyone, get in your position!”
Most of the cultists fled, including the one who said that. Only Veld, his wart, and Raydrik’s dead body remained.
“We meet again, young one,” said Veld. “You have fallen right into my trap!”
In America, Leif thought.
“Now watch as I spell your doom!” Veld held his hands over Raydrik’s body. A plume of darkness spouted from a fount behind him. It shot down into Raydrik’s chest. Raydrik’s eyes opened, now glowing a dark red. He rose from the ground.
Raydrik growled. His voice took on a dark timbre. “Must… kill…”
Unfortunately, Leif had a major fear of zombies. “Oh my gods, I was joking about killing Raydrik again!”
“Seriously, Leif?” Nanna spat. “You jinxed it!”
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
“Silence, you fools!” The warty wizard raised his arms. Bolts of dark magic streaked from his hands. “You shall never defeat the Loptyr Sect and our undead army!”
“Yeah?” Leif pointed his sword at the wizard. He hoped no one noticed how badly it shook. “You and what… oh. You just said that.”
Veld laughed. “Prepare to die, you—“
Two shots rang out from across the hall.
Veld and Zombie Raydrik both slumped to the ground. Everyone turned to see a familiar face holding a smoking pistol. He sat upon some sort of weird two-wheeled horse. Flames decorated the chassis.
“Hey guys,” said Lifis. “I stole Kempf’s Harley Davidson and some of his guns. What did I miss?”