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1. You shall have no other gods before me.
Emma’s always been something almost supernatural to Audrey, practically godlike in the way she could tug at anyone’s heart with just a small smile. Audrey’s basically worshipped her for as long as they’ve known each other. It’d started at age four, when they both wore ribbons in their hair and Emma’s sense of imagination was something Audrey could only hope to emulate, and from then on it’d only escalated.
Maybe it’s not healthy, to feel so strongly about a girl who had broken her heart with just one sentence (“Maybe we’re just too different now, Audrey.”), but calling it unhealthy wouldn’t change the fact of its mere existence, so Audrey prefers to just accept it and move on rather than beat herself up for something she can’t change. But no matter what it is, this sentiment, this sense of being so average and mortal in the other girl’s presence, has never gone away. Not even when they’d drifted apart — in fact, Audrey has many a memory of leaning against her locker, air knocked out of her just for a second as Emma walked by, Brooke and Riley not far behind. Those girls shined in their own special way, too, but not like Emma. They didn’t have the same softness around the edges, the warmth and gentle smile that made your cheeks flush and Emma’s voice curl up in your ear like a quiet summer melody.
No. Emma’s kinder, more genuine. That’s a quality not many in Lakewood possess, and most certainly the polar opposite of everything that embodies Audrey herself — maybe that’s why she can’t seem to shake these feelings away. They all learned how magnets work in third grade, so Audrey knows the rules. The stronger the opposition, the stronger the attraction.
Audrey’s not particularly religious anymore, but in the wake of the killings, her father’s been more religious than ever, and he seems to remind her of the Ten Commandments on a daily basis. And there’s a reason the first commandment always sticks in her mind.
“You shall have no other gods before Me,” the Bible says. But how can that be possible with Emma Duval around?
2. You shall not make idols.
There are times when Audrey wants Emma so badly, she almost forgets how to breathe. Times when she wants her more than life itself. Times when she’d do anything just to see Emma smile at her again, or throw her head back and laugh the way she did when they were fourteen, or look at her with that sparkle in her eyes and know that they’re going to be okay.
For so long, Audrey’s always put Emma above everything else, even herself. It’s why she stumbled onto the dock, her own blood dripping onto the water-stained wood, and shot Piper Shaw with shaking hands that chilly October night. It’s why she drove to the sketchiest motel in Lakewood, believing she’d be saving the girl she loved from a masked psychopath. It’s why she let Kieran Wilcox put a gun to her head and, instead of begging for her life, screamed at Emma to run. Even now, she knows, without a doubt, that she’d take a bullet for the other girl.
Maybe it’s a sin. But when it involves Emma Duval, sinning seems to come naturally for Audrey. And it’s a kind of sinning she doesn’t regret.
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.
Memories are decidedly the best and worst part of being human. The best part, because Audrey gets to carry around all the weekends on Noah’s couch, the field of daffodils with Emma, impromptu mini-parties with Brooke — she gets to carry all of that around in her brain, and those are the things that help her through the tougher times. Those good memories are what encouraged her to carry on, to cope with the panic attacks and depression, to take her feelings out on a punching bag instead of those she cared about and to protect the people she loved.
But also the worst part, because the very things that induced those panic attacks? Yeah, those things are also carried around in Audrey’s brain, right alongside the good memories, and they knock around in her skull at the most inopportune times. And they’ll pop up in her head, flash before her eyes like she’s re-living it all over again, in the middle of a Psych test, on a movie date with Emma, during a Call of Duty mission with Noah, while she’s doing shots with Brooke.
And Audrey can’t stop them. Once one bad memory shows up, the rest of them all follow suit, breaking free from the dam of casual numbness that her brain tends to establish and pouring forth in the worst kind of torture.
Finding out about Rachel’s death. Hearing the crack in Mrs. Murray’s voice and knowing her first love was gone, forever. Realizing she’d never see that gorgeous smile again, never get to tell Rachel just how beautiful she was, never hear her voice or kiss her. Leaning against the lockers for support, because her world was spinning around her and nothing seemed stable, she couldn’t even trust her own body to keep her standing. Rachel’s mother crying on the other end of the phone, her ears ringing as her body tried every trick in the book to convince her heart that this pain in her chest wouldn’t kill her. Skin feverishly hot, hands clammy and the phone slipping in her grasp, salty tears spilling down her cheeks and broken sounds that she couldn’t control escaping from her mouth. “Oh my god, no, Rachel,” she’d sobbed out.
Scrambling to the dock. Shaky legs, pounding heart. The gash on her arm still bleeding sluggishly, she’d left droplets of blood in her wake, something she didn’t notice until after it was all said and done. Sprinting up to see Piper, the woman she’d thought she could trust, pinning Emma to the ground. The stab of guilt in her chest, the feeling so similar to the real stab wound on her arm, as her mind quickly made the connection that she’d brought this killer to Lakewood. And then adrenaline, coursing through her veins, actions more instinct than planned thought as her fingers curled around the trigger and squeezed. That awful cracking sound, the splash of Piper’s body falling in the water, and the cold, sick feeling that had spread through her entire body as she’d dropped the gun and kneeled by Emma’s side. Blood, everywhere, in pools and in droplets and in sprays, glinting in the moonlight. And then she’d seen it — that same kind of blood, soaking through Emma’s blouse, the scarlet in vivid contrast to the stark white. “Emma, oh my god,” she’d breathed.
Stumbling upon Jake’s body. The sickly sweet stench of death, filling her nostrils and creeping into her lungs until Audrey choked on it. That tightness in her chest, the way she’d felt like her entire body was in a vise grip, how she’d suddenly struggled for breath despite the smell but couldn’t get anything in. Bile in the back of her throat, dizziness making the gruesome scene around her spin like a Tilt-a-Whirl, like this was just some kids’ ride at an amusement park. How Audrey wished it was as simple as that. Gagging. Wheezing. Crying, asking the killer why, why, how could they do this to Jake, Jake, who had made Brooke smile until her cheeks hurt, Jake, who had slipped her some of his best alcohol on one of her rougher nights during Emma’s absence and, with a wink, had told her it was all going to be okay, Jake, who maybe wasn’t perfect but certainly didn’t deserve this. He’d been turning his life around. He had the girl of his dreams, good friends, even made the Honor Roll. Why Jake? Fingers trembling as she’d picked out the awful, awful pieces of paper tacked onto his body. Mind screaming at her until she’d finally made it back to her car and broke down, thanking whatever sick being was controlling her pathetic excuse for a life that she was basically in the middle of nowhere so no one could hear her. “Oh, God, it should’ve been me,” she’d wailed.
Stuck in Kieran’s grasp. Chained to the furnace, head throbbing and thoughts still slightly fuzzy from whatever he’d given her to knock her out. Emma standing so close, yet so far away, not close enough for Audrey to reach out and touch her so of course it felt like she was in a whole other universe. Shots ringing out, Eli slumping against the wall in a smear of red. Emma crying out in horror. Kieran confessing, pressing cold metal to her head and threatening them both. Heart pounding. Hands clammy. The only thought in her mind — how she’ll save Emma. Maybe she’ll get to live, but no matter what, Emma’s got to get out of here. Can’t let Emma die. Can’t fail her again. Screaming at Emma to run, Emma being Emma and not listening, Kieran dragging her along for the sick ride as he’d chased the other girl. Escaping. Winding a chain around Kieran’s throat and feeling so disgustingly tempted to just end him, put a definite cap on their misery. Wanting to just be able to know they wouldn’t be put in danger by him again. Emma holding the gun with that glint in her eyes, the glint of temptation, and Audrey realizing when it was almost too late what a mistake she’d made in egging her on. Just do it already! No. Don’t do it already. And then the police, streaming in, all blue and handcuffs and shouts, and the distant thought that hopefully, Kieran would never escape from prison. But then the promises from Sheriff Acosta, the apologies, and then nothing as they were loaded into the ambulance for the drive to the hospital. Emma just holding her, smelling like iron and also like mango, both death and life in her eyes. But finally, finally, feeling safe again. “God, please tell me that this is finally over,” she’d whispered.
She says God’s name so many times, but he never says anything back.
4. You shall not murder.
Audrey will be forever haunted by the blood on her hands. The literal kind, and the figurative kind. She can’t stop thinking about it.
She sees them, in her mirror and in the school hallways and at Wren Lake. Rachel prefers to stick around in her bedroom, watches with a purple-black bruise on her throat as Audrey struggles through her Psych homework. Eddie the hotel clerk often pops up in the back of her car, corkscrew still hanging out of him, scaring her so much the first few times that she has to pull over before she can drive again. Jake, weirdly enough, likes to hang out in her shower, winding his guts around her showerhead and replacing the stream of water with a stream of something much thicker, Audrey’s skin left raw in the aftermath as she scrubs away at blood that’s not really there. Even Haley enters her peripheral vision from time to time, sneering at Audrey with bloodshot eyes as she nails her own cross to the wall.
She’s killed, both directly and indirectly, with a gun and with the letters she sent that brought both Piper and Kieran to Lakewood. Nina. Tyler. Rachel. Riley. Will. Sheriff Hudson. Grayson. Piper. Jake. Eddie. Mr. Branson. Haley. Zoe. Mayor Maddox. Eli. They’re all on her.
“Thou shalt not murder,” her father reminds her one day, when she makes a snarky comment about the church and he’s feeling particularly nasty. “I suppose you forgot to brush up on that commandment, didn’t you, Audrey?”
She’ll never forget those words.