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“Is he gone or asleep?”
Nina rolled face down on the towel to see him. The scratchy fabric of the towel scratched her legs and belly, but she didn't care.
“Who?”
Nina couldn’t tell if Grimmer was looking at her or not because of his sunglasses, but at least he wasn’t sleeping. She weighed whether to change or avoid the topic, but she already made the question.
“Steiner.”
He took a quick sip of his can of coke and left it next to his chair. And he delayed his response long enough for Nina to think she should say it again, but he just lifted his sunglasses to look at her directly.
“Where does that question come from?” He wasn’t smiling but he didn’t seem annoyed either. He just was confused. Because it has been months since they talked about the Thing.
The shrill song of the seagulls and the waves was a good white noise that helped her to better collect her thoughts. She could hear Dieter playing in the water and Tenma begging for him to come near the shore.
The trip was Reichwein’s idea, because he thought all of them were too stressed, so in less than a week he organized a beach trip that certainly did well for her. She was more relaxed, she definitely needed some vacations. But the itch on her brain was the only thing she hadn’t managed to tell Tenma nor Dr Reichwein.
“Sometimes it talks to me. And I can’t get it out of my head. When Steiner appeared, did he talk to you?” She crossed her forearms on the sand and rested her chin over them.
“Yes, but honestly, I can’t remember most of the stuff he said.” Grimmer answered, putting his sunglasses on again. “And sometimes I think he’s gone, and sometimes that he’s just sleeping. It’s been almost two years since he appeared for the last time.”
Nina bit her lip and tried to ignore the solid voices on her head.
Monstrous being. What a forgotten and broken soul you are. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. You’re just as evil, demonic and monstrous. Die. Die. Die. Die.
It was almost like a song, a macabre melody that echoed inside her cranium. And despite her medication, it just seemed to not want to stop, it felt like a chronic illness she would just have to deal with for the rest of her life.
“What does it say?” Grimmer asked when her silence lasted too much.
Nina buried her fingers on the ground, taking fists of sand and letting it slip between her fingers.
"Things" She said simply, but since she could feel Grimmer's insistent gaze through his sunglasses, she added, "Do you think I'm demonic or monstrous?"
“Every single person on earth carries their own demons,” His voice went softer. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
“It’s from the Bible, isn’t it?”
“The Pharisees brought a woman they caught in adultery in front of Jesus, they wanted to condemn her, however, he challenged the accuser’s hypocrisy that everyone but them were sinners, at the end, none of them could throw a rock against the woman, because no one is free from sins.” He took a deep breath. “I’m the least person that should give this kind of speech but what I’m trying to say is that, no one on this earth can condemn you for the conflicts in your head, your brother’s actions are not yours.”
Nina rolled and sat on the towel, brushing the sand off her arms and legs. She looked back at Dieter still not obeying Tenma’s commands and Tenma still insisting he was getting too far. It was a quite hilarious situation, but Nina only felt the energy to snort and then looked down. She wanted to believe what Grimmer said was true, he never lied nor said anything just for the sake of making her feel better.
But that was so loud. Like someone yelling in her ear, saying she was as evil as her twin.
She looked down her legs, the cuts in her thighs were no longer visible and the ones in her wrists were just little scratches she no longer had to cover. She felt confident and comfortable enough that she even dared to use a bikini for that trip, she didn’t mind the scars because they were no longer visible.
“Tenma has asked you about what happened?” She said after a moment, raising her head to look at him.
“Dr Reichwein had to talk to him about that.” Grimmer pointed out. “For me, I haven’t told him anything you have not.”
“I don’t think I want Dieter to be close to someone as tortured as me.” Nina said reflexively, sitting in a lotus position. “Back there in Prague, he was the one taking care of me, it should’ve been the other way round.”
His lips parted slightly and his cheek twitched. “You know you can’t carry everything on your shoulders, right? Dieter loves you, you’re everything for him, he sees an older sister, perhaps a mother, but that doesn’t mean you have to be strong for everyone.”
It was when he leaned on his chair that she noticed she was already crying. She wanted to scream, to run, to hide, or to escape from whatever was chasing her but no matter how hard she tried to escape it, it always found her. When she looked up to see him he already took off his sunglasses and put them on top of his head. He gave her the same insistent and patronizing look Tenma gave to her. She didn’t like it. Because it made her feel that Grimmer only saw a whiny little girl in her.
“I’ve been trying to control it but it won’t shut up.” Nina said, exhausted. “The medication should’ve helped already, don’t you think?”
“I can’t answer that, Nina, I’m not your doctor. I’m not a Doctor to begin with.” He chuckled. “But I don’t think the medication should do the whole job.”
“What do you mean?” She raised her brow.
“That won’t shut up if you keep talking to it. There’s a moment for everything, Nina, if you sit and wait for it to talk or to appear, you will ignore the rest surrounding you.” Grimmer smiled. “You’re here now;In southern Italy, away from everything and everyone that once hurt you, don’t bring them with you.”
Nina’s face flushed abruptly, because it seemed like the obvious and for some reason she didn’t manage to put that into her own tortured mind. She averted her eyes from Grimmer and took more fists of sand, feeling stupid, childish and selfish. Because instead of letting him rest she’s tormenting him with questions about Steiner, a topic that should just die along with the Thing. They both should stay buried six feet under.
“Have you ever jumped off a cliff?” Grimmer asked casually a couple of minutes later.
Nina, confused with the sudden change of demeanor and speechless at the unexpectedness of his question, looked at him tilting her head to one side.
“What?”
He pointed at the cliff a few meters away, there were plenty of people at the top preparing and then jumping into the water. It was perhaps like 60 ft high. She looked at him stunned but he was already smiling.
“Aren’t you thinking…”
“Yes, I am thinking.” He stood up from his chair, discarding his shirt to one side and then reached out his hand to grab hers. “Come here.”
“Grimmer, I don’t think that…” she started complaining but she still walked behind him. Her heart started racing when the cliff seemed bigger and bigger at each step they took. “Oh, god…”
By the moment she stepped almost on the edge of the cliff she looked up and looked at the gorgeous blue of the Mediterranean Sea, the smell of saltpeter hung heavy in the air and the wind blew in her face making her hair dance with it. Undeniably it was such a beautiful sight, but she refused to look down. When she did, her stomach turned with the vertigo and clenched her fist around Grimmer’s knuckles.
“Have you ever done this before?” Nina asked.
“Nope.” He smiled
“No!?” Nina frowned and pulled his hand to leave that place. “We shouldn’t, we shouldn't, we really shouldn’t. This should be done by professionals only.”
“It will be fine, don’t you trust me?”
Nina's breath hitched and she looked at him. His eyes were as blue as the sea in front of her. She bit her lip and her heart raced when the inevitable moment of jumping arrived.
“I do.” She exhaled. “I do trust you.”
He never let go of her hand, she propelled herself with her bare feet and tightened her grip on his hand. Her heart went up her throat and closed her eyes while she let a little high pitched scream. She felt everything coursing through her veins, the adrenaline made her laugh before holding her breath abruptly as she hit the water.
She felt the pressure of the water in her body and it felt amazing, the water entered her ears and her nose slightly but it didn’t matter at all, she started swimming to the surface without letting go of his hand. When she reached the surface she looked up watching where she just jumped from. She started laughing euphorically and looked at Grimmer again who was also smiling joyfully.
“You’re insane.” Nina chuckled, kicking her feet to keep herself afloat in the sea. “That was awesome!”
The water was cold yet felt amazingly, she went to the beach a few times with her parents in the past, but this was the first time she experienced it in such amazing way, the water was washing off everything in her head because now she stopped listening to the Thing and she started listening to the seagulls, the waves in the shore, the sound of people screaming joyfully and jumping into the water, she also heard music somewhere in the beach. There was no Thing. Only her.
“You wanna go back?” Grimmer asked.
“No, I want to do it again.” Nina said and started swimming towards the closest shore. “Come on, let's do that again.”
Nina ignored the water in her ears; she also ignored the fact that her skin was now burning from the sun’s rays on her body. When the sun was at its highest point, she had already stopped listening to the macabre song of the thing telling her in verses that she was a demon and a monstrous being. It was a peculiar way to describe it; the rust and rotten wood where her torment was locked away was now becoming covered in moss and ivy.
With her hair damp and her legs covered in sand, she let herself fall back onto the towel, and this time she no longer felt alienated from the tranquility of the beach. She lifted her face to look at Grimmer, who, after taking a bite of a peach, set it down again alongside the other peaches he’d bought that morning and had placed within reach of all four of them.
“I’ll go for a drink, want one?” He asked putting his shirt on again.
Nina shook her head with a tired smile. “Thanks. For everything.”
Grimmer smiled at her and nodded. “If you can’t hear it anymore that means we’re on the good path, süße.”
She looked at the sea again, Tenma was struggling with kicking the soccer ball toward Dieter who seemed to start losing his patience in explaining how he had to play. Nina cracked laughing when Tenma kicked the ball but slipped over his feet.
“Tenma!” Dieter yelled more annoyed and disappointed on his lack of feet abilities than worried that he tripped.
After a couple of seconds, Nina stood up and reached her hand out to grab a peach. She devoured it in a matter of seconds, noticing that she was starved, then grabbed another one and ate the sweet fruit.
She cursed her tormented head and decided she won’t let the Thing hurt her again.