Chapter Text
The universe is really quite romantic…
I’m serious!
Everything in the universe follows a line, a line that is supposed to be perfectly straight, stretch on for infinity, and have no fluctuation. Despite this, it allows the creatures that selfishly inhabit it to veer this line off its course.
Naturally, any change to the line won’t last, it's infinite after all, and given enough distance it will eventually cause all fluctuations to fade into the vast expanse, but we’re still allowed that agency, the ability to sin.
Gosh that’s a harsh word.
I suppose you’d ask: “Why not?” Why not give the inhabitants of its world the ability to cause deviations? But really, the universe has no reason to allow this. It’d be like letting an ant bite you. It’s small, inconsequential, and you know it won’t kill you, I suppose. Maybe some ants can kill you, but like a small ant! Even if you know it won’t kill you, it still hurts, and it’ll leave a bump if you don’t tend to it. You would never let an ant do that to you, or, I wouldn’t. I guess someone might, but billions of ants?
The universe though? It allows this out of its own incomprehensible selflessness.
Or, maybe, it isn’t selflessness, or some romantic inclination. Maybe the universe has a reason for letting us defy it, but I find myself believing the contrary—that this really is an act of kindness. It's strange honestly, I have no proof, and yet-
“Hey, Shubina.”
“Huh?” Garin is grinning down at me. I really need to stop dozing off like that during class.
He’s holding a notebook… My notebook!? I scan the floor for my bag, and see it fallen with everything spilled out.
“Shubina! I had no clue you wrote poetry!”
He starts flipping through the pages, I reach my hand out. “Hey… don-“
He backs away, not giving a chance to take my book back, not that I would, but, looking at Garin shamelessly flipping through such a personal item…
He starts snickering; must’ve found something embarrassing… but, that’s not necessarily true. None of those poems are ‘embarrassing,’ it’s art, and there’s inherent value in that regardless of how uninspired it is. It’s not the poem's fault it was written by a novice.
He starts reading everything off to the class, I barely recognize the words he’s saying, like I never even wrote them. Doesn’t help that he’s flubbing all the pronunciations of the bigger words… and completely ignoring the pacing. I can’t believe I brought that to school with me, what was I thinking?
Garin’s smirk fades, and he starts slowing down his reading. He looks, dumbfounded? Or concerned? I can’t look anymore. I wanna squeeze my ears shut, but everyone will just laugh more if they think I’m not in on the joke, but this prank is going too far.
He hesitates to say something. Whatever it is I really don’t want him to say it, I really really don’t want him to.
Someone slams their desk, I look over-
A loud crash abruptly brings everyone’s attention to Garin, and the chair that was just thrown in his direction, but my eyes are already glued to the perpetrator.
Garin brings his hands up in defense—or just from being startled—as everyone in the class turns from him… to Ira Grachevskaya.
“Wh-what the hell is your problem?!” The class devolves into comments and insults made towards Ira, while she seems utterly unbothered by the comments, keeping her eyes fixed on Garin.
A weird feeling stirs in me. I would never use violence to solve a problem—problem is a bad way to put it—I would never even encourage violence, but right now, no one’s eyes are on me, and I can’t help but be relieved.
Ira stomps towards Garin. She looks furious, and the whole class is silenced, all waiting for what Ira is going to do. She snatches my notebook from his hand, not caring to do anything more, and walks over to me. She slams the book on my desk without even regarding me. I grab onto it as quickly as possible.
“Read that again and I’ll kick your teeth in.”
More commotion forms, but I can’t help but keep my eyes on Ira, every word she says has the entire class in silence, and the way she carries herself… Angry, sure… but, confident. Even after such a baffling display, I can’t help but be enamored. Maybe that’s my way of showing thanks? Staring her way—unable to focus on anything else while she retrieves her bag and leaves the classroom…
Ira is what most would call a ‘problem child,’ not my words—is that still a mean thing to say? I sound like I’m gossiping, I’m sorry. A-anyway! She’s not exactly indicative of what Vorkuta-5 prides itself on. Most people here are content with things, it’s a peaceful life: non-existent crime rate, plenty of food, water, and housing to go around, and even the luxury of entertainment. Safety, necessities, and recreation, it’s everything you could need to lead a satisfying life.
Not to say that Ira is an overly-ambitious girl—I don’t think aspiration is the right word for it. When I look at her she seems like she’s missing something. I don’t know what it is, and maybe even she doesn’t, but whatever that missing piece is, it causes her to lash out. I don’t know, maybe that’s presumptuous of me.
Sounds about right to me.
Really? Thank you…
I wanted to see Ira again, thank her, maybe pick her brain… not in a mean way! I know my place, trying to ask why she resorted to violence like that is sure to get me scolded. Everyone thinks differently, and even if I think there was a better way to go about it, I can’t deny her way of doing things, that’s disrespectful, and not a judgment I can make. I just want to know why she helped me. She doesn’t know me very well, and I only know what gets passed around in rumors—I guess that’s another reason I want to talk to her.
I tried looking for her, but she’s a tough one to find. Most people thrive off of repetition, the same coffee every day, same time to bed, same schedule, every day. I can’t say I don’t get the appeal, I have plenty of consistencies between my days, but Ira, she’s on a different level. I wouldn’t be surprised if no one has ever seen her in the same place twice, or at least with the same connotation. I knew I would have to be lucky to find her, but I was quickly losing hope. Though, one thing I love about the universe, is that luck always comes your way when you least expect it.
There she is. Sitting atop the bathroom windowsill blowing white smoke out at random intervals.
“Hi!” Why did I say it like that? I sound so desperate.
“Hi.” She barely acknowledges me, shooting a glance my way before staring back out the window. I’ve never bolted into a stall so fast in my life. I don’t even have any intention of doing anything, I just need to think. She’s way more intimidating than I thought! What do I want to say? How do I want to say it? How long-
The sound of Ira jumping down from the window echoes through the bathroom. Ohh everything is going fast I just need to slow down. She’s leaving. Already? Really? I can’t let her, there’s still so much I have to say.
“Waaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!”
Bursting out of the stall like that startles her, should I apologize? Oh she looks so cute when she’s surprised, I’ve never seen her like that, maybe no one has ever seen her like that, only me.
“Huh?!”
The wind blowing through her hair, the bag in her hand, I still don’t know what to say I-
She composes herself as quickly as she startled. Back to the Ira I sparsely see at class. The Ira that’s gonna try to leave again if I don’t say something! Just say something!
“I-is it nice?”
“What?”
“Sitting on the windowsill,” I couldn’t think of anything better than that… “Does the air feel nice?”
“Not really?”
“…” She looks away from me, but looks back almost immediately.
“It’s a little cold. But yeah, it feels nice.”
“Ah… thought so.”
“… Anything el-?”
“Thank you! For sticking up for me.” Ahh, I sound so self-centered.
No, you don’t.
Right. “Even if the poem was just bothering you, it was really embarrassing for me, so… so thank you!”
She flips her hair back, and looks to the side, like she’s hiding her face from me?
“The poem didn’t bother me, the illiterate dumbass reading it did.”
“Vadim?”
“Whatever.”
She looks like she’s ready to leave again. She’s so eager to get away from me but I really wanna talk to her more. It’s so selfish of me, to take up all her time when she barely knows me, but I still want to keep talking.
She’s turning away again, not even a bye?
“So… did you like it?” I feel the air around her shift as Ira stops in place. “M-my poem-“
She turns around, she looks angry- annoyed? Gosh if I keep talking she’s gonna hate me by the end of it.
She squeezes her hand closed. Ah, so sorry, I deserve this. It was a good life; I greet waking up to a black eye with open arms.
But, she releases the tension in her hand and turns away. “It was fine.”
There’s anger in her voice, and she leaves the bathroom without another word, but… she didn’t punch me? So, that’s good I think.
I hadn’t seen Ira since then. Not at school, or around town—nothing. She almost started to slip from my mind. I said thank you, and things returned to how they should be. The universe gave me the nicest present it possibly could, a beautiful yet fickle gift. But even a moment of kindness is a fluctuation of the line that cannot last. So we return to normalcy: Garin and his friends still mess with me, nobody is keen on intervening, life goes on. But at least I get to reminisce on all the momentary good Ira brought into my life.
So… why am I so sad no one intervened this time?
It’s my own fault really, my own stupid fault. Believing a letter Garin gave me, it’s nothing but ignorant!
But, he could’ve been serious… It would’ve been cute, and I can’t deny the possibility, that would be wrong of me, a judgement I cannot make.
Ahh, I can’t feel my fingers…
A b-
“You idiot!!!”
“I…? Wha?”
“Why the hell do you always go along with some bullshit?! I’m so-“
She’s here? Ira’s here… Ira is really here!!! She looks like she wants to punch me- But she’s here!
She kicks a nearby snowhill, I definitely would have died if that were me. She turns to me and starts swiping clumps of snow off my vest.
My face is hot, I feel like I’m going through whiplash. She’s here!
“How- how did you know I was here?”
“Doesn’t matter. I heard Garin giggling about it, I damn near… but I had to- Dammit! Can you stand?”
“Yeah…”
Everything hurts, I’m so stiff, it’s cold, I’m tired, but still! Ira is here. I shake the snow off my skirt and tights and watch it slowly float to the ground.
I look to Ira’s face. She’s concerned? About me? Really truly? Really really? Did she really-
“Come all this way for me?”
“What?” Ohh no I made her angry again.
“I- I mean! I don’t really get why you came all this way I didn’t think we were close or like friends or anything but if you want to be friends that look out for each other then I don’t mind but I can’t really-“
“Slow down.”
“…”
Ira sighs and turns to sit down on the concrete, I know I was just sitting there but it looks uncomfortable. She takes a cigarette out of her pocket and—despite the wind—lights it with practiced ease.
“I don’t get you. Why did you believe such a bullshit letter?”
I don’t say anything. Nothing I say could express why I did it. I’m just weird, I know that much. But even though I went along with the letter, that doesn’t mean I’m not happy… so happy, that Ira is here.
“Thank you.” A message directed to all that can hear it.
“I didn’t do anything, really…”
Oh my gosh, is she flustered? That can’t be true- no- it is! She’s flustered! She’s blushing! That’s so cute that’s too cute!
Ahh, she’s looking at me weird, I probably have a stupid smile but I don’t care!
“What’s with you?”
Okay maybe I care a little.
“Sorry. I’m fine.”
“Whatever…”
Ira looks at her cigarette. Is she not leaving? This is my chance! We can finally talk—for real!—after all this time! I take my chances and sit down next to her, a meter or so away. She still glares at me, I feel so small for a moment but she seems to relent. Heheh, sorry, I’m being greedy.
I want to know what she thought about my poem—Is that too selfish of a conversation starter? It’s been on my mind the whole time, but what if Ira wants to talk about herself? She doesn’t seem like the type but that’s all the more reason why I should let her. Oh but she’s not talking, just say it.
“What did you like about my poem?”
“Tch,” Why did I say it??? “It was good, don’t get hung up on it.”
“Right! I’m just… really glad.”
Ira doesn’t respond. Is she thinking? Did I not give her anything to work with? Gosh I’m so bad at conversations.
“Write me one.”
“Wha-“
“Write me a poem!”
“Why…?”
“What a stupid question... ‘Cause I liked ‘em!”
It’s not that I’m so naive as to think the universe is looking out for me, or any other individual, or even man as a whole. It feels like more than that. Maybe it is naivete then? There are children in other places leading much more painful lives, how come mine is so much easier? I don’t deserve the universe’s kindness-
Of course you do.
Right…
I guess, the universe is indifferent. Everything moves along the beaten path, the infinite line, with little to no deviation. But the universe isn’t heartless, and more importantly, even something as grand as the universe wants to be appreciated.
Ahh, look at me, trying to attribute human emotion to something as incomprehensibly great as the universe. I really am naive. Whatever I think the universe is, it will always be infinitely better than that. The words I have will always fall short, a melody out of tune, and the universe will never know just how much love I harbor for it. What I wouldn’t do to scream it out at the top of my lungs and for those words to even come close to reaching their destination. But I’m just a gnat living on top of this most beautiful existence. Do you think a gnat could ever come close to letting the world it inhabits know how much it’s loved?
I think the gnat could try.
I kinda think so too.
This walk is kinda dragging on. It’s better than being at home, but it’s a lot of places I’ve been to. I should go somewhere new, there’s still so much in this town I haven’t appreciated yet. Maybe towards the radio tower?
I haven’t talked to Ira in a while. It’s mostly been sparse moments: the few times she comes to class, or whenever Vadim plays a prank on me. Well, not every time, but it’s a nice bit of respite seeing her after something embarrassing.
I wonder what she’s doing right now. Does she like the outdoors or does she prefer staying in? She probably gets a lot of mean comments so maybe she stays inside, though, she did say she liked the cold. Wait, no she didn’t, she said she didn’t mind it. Still, that might mean she likes going outside enough to bear with it, besides, there’s only so much you can do indoors.
That’s probably just wishful thinking though. I’d never find her out on a walk if she stayed at home all the time. It is a nice day though? Still cold—really cold—but the sky is beautiful this time of year. I guess you can still see the sky indoors.
I underestimated how much you can do from the comfort of your home… I wonder if she likes cartoons? It seems childish for her taste, but for some reason I could totally see it. Gosh, it’d be so fun to just laze around with her all day watching-
Oh, Ira!! She must not be an indoors person… Actually! She still could be, I gotta stop jumping to conclusions.
Every time I see her she always has a cigarette. It’s gotta be hard to get those while she’s still young. Shoot! I should say hi!
“Hi!”
Initially, she gives me the same glance with barely any contemplation behind it, but I seem to have surprised her just a little when she realizes it’s me. Is that a good thing?
“Hey.”
“What are you doing?” Am I being too familiar?
Ira looks at me weird—I feel like I’ll never know the right thing to say with her… She just kinda glances at her cigarette before looking back at me. Right, obviously that’s what she’s doing.
“Give ya one for 40 kopecks.”
Forty? That’s obscene... “No thanks… I don’t smoke.”
“‘Course you don’t.”
Ira finishes her cigarette, tosses it on the ground, and stomps it out. I assume she’s on her way out then. Maybe I should-! No… not yet.
It’s fine. I don’t mind, I’m content with any brief interaction I get with her.
“Why do you let them walk over you?”
“Huh?”
“You never answered me before. Vadim, Igor, that whole pile of invalids; you’re pretty much begging them to fuck with you.”
“W-well… I wouldn’t put it like that. They’re not that bad.”
“Uh-huh.”
“…”
Ira sighs, “That wasn’t a joke was it?”
“It wasn’t… I don’t think he does it on purpose.”
Ira stares at me deadpan. “Are you stupid?”
Ouch, I can tell she honestly believes that. “No… I- It’s not like I think he’s ‘accidentally’ messing with me. It’s just, I don’t think anyone hurts another person with the sole intention of hurting them.”
She gives me a weird look, is she angry?
“A-all I’m saying is! I don’t blame Garin for treating me that way, I can’t imagine what goes on in his life, so I can’t judge him for those actions. I’ll never know what’s going on in his life, so I should never judge him for those actions.”
“Please stop thinking like that.”
“I can’t help it…”
Ira stops—that’s probably the wrong word, she wasn’t moving, but, she ‘pauses.’ I can see it on her face, processing what I said, like it was something profound. I really don’t think it warrants that much thought. I know I’m weird, and I don’t mind if she wants to tell me as such, but she seems to want to give it the time of day.
Ira finally sighs, “Just don’t expect me to join you in your delusions.”
“I wasn’t! I prom-“ Wait… doesn’t that kinda imply she intends on talking with me more? Like if she thinks I’ll have the opportunity to change her mind—which is preposterous by the way, I love her just the way she is! Heh, love… But if she thinks I think that, doesn’t that mean that she thinks that I think we’ll have more opportunities to talk? And if she thinks that I think that and she isn’t contesting that line of thinking, then doesn’t that mean that she thinks we’re gonna talk more?
You’re reading into it.
“What?” Ira says. She looks confused—annoyed? I can’t tell anymore.
“Huh?” Was she saying something that I missed? Oh man, I'm such an idiot.
“You were saying something? And you just stopped talking?”
“Oh I- I don’t remember…” Buh…
“You’re weird.”
“I know.” I hope she’s okay with that.
Ira rolls her eyes, and walks away. Not even a goodbye again… It’s fine, I really shouldn’t care so much, we’re barely acqua-
She stops at a bench… wipes off the thin layer of snow, and sits down. She leans back and stares into the sky. She, actually doesn’t look annoyed for a change. It’s really cute. Gosh I don’t know if that’s demeaning, but it’s true! It’s true it’s true it’s true! She’s so unbelievably cute.
I want to sit next to her. Er, on the same bench I mean. Is that too much? We’re not friends or anything, but, I feel like she would’ve left if she didn’t want me here?
Just go sit down!
Okay! I’ll sit down, and if she doesn’t want me to, she can punch me!
I walk over, and slowly wipe off the snow on the bench, and- Ira wipes some off the backrest… It’s not like she was eager to, she just glanced over for a moment and helped a little. Just a little! Nothing much! But! She must actually want me to sit?! My head is on fire, it’s so cold and my head is on fire! Just sit down, just sit down…
“Do you read?” Ira asks.
“Um! Yeah, lots!”
“Figures…”
“…”
“Anything you liked recently?”
Sometime in between lessons—I can’t even remember which ones—I spotted a cute green haired girl with Ira. For some reason I didn’t expect her to have any friends, but that’s probably presumptuous of me… again. And a little rude? But it’s more so that I never thought about it, and not that Ira has none. She seems like a loner—no offense of course! Her being a little reclusive is endearing—but everyone needs friends. Community is a basic human need, and we’re all social creatures at heart.
But… for all I know they could just be acquaintances. They seemed friendly, and that doesn’t really seem like a common thing for Ira, so I don’t know.
I’m really not sure if it’s weird, but I want to meet that green haired girl. Admittedly, It’s a little selfish. I want to learn more about Ira, and a girl who goes to school consistently is easier to find…
Am I being creepy?
That doesn’t matter. It’s not like I only want to use this girl. I’m interested in someone who’s a friend of Ira as well… that’s also self-centered- dammit! Okay, I also just want another friend, I don’t really know anyone all that well and even if she won’t be as close to my heart as Ira, a friend is still a friend! So I’m gonna introduce myself!
I think I saw them coming out of science, I don’t remember which lesson I was betweenl though… I’ll just have to check after each one.
What if she stays in the classroom longer? I don’t wanna be late for my next class, but she could be doing anything, or not in there at all. Like a Schrodingers cat, but I can’t check the box—or, maybe I could, would that be weird?
I stay in the hall for a little bit, glancing between the clock and the door every few seconds—I probably look weird, but it’s not the time to think about that!
It’s getting dangerously close to my next lesson… I hold out a little longer, but as soon as it looks like I can’t make to my next class, I turn to leave…
And hear the door open behind me-
I spin around again and see her. Definitely green hair, definitely cute, that’s her. I look around briefly and walk towards her.
“Um!” She looks disheveled, probably just as late as me.
She turns to greet me. “Huh? Oh, hi.”
“I’ve gotta head to my next lesson, but I have something I need to ask you, so, do you think you could meet me at the front of the school when your lessons are finished?”
“Oh! Uhh, yeah sure!”
“Okay, see you then!”
That was incredibly hard. I don’t know her at all and I just talked to her like that? Gosh…
I’m gonna be late for class
“Listen, I'm flattered, truly, and I’ve never had a girl confess to me, but I’m not interested in that type of thing right now. Very sorry!”
“Um. What?”
“Is that not why you're here? Shoot, I knew it was weird you asked me to meet you at the front! Who does confessions here? Okay, umm. Let’s restart. You start this time!”
“Me? O-okay, well, I saw you with Ira and I was just wondering…”
I definitely sound like a weirdo with my voice peetering out at the mention of Ira. It’s embarrassing though! I should’ve said something else. Oh she’s got an annoyed look, I really messed up.
“I just wanted to ask about her…”
“Okay, ask.”
“Um, well, I never see her around school, and… I thought you might-“
“What, you wanna know where she hangs so you can harass her?”
What? I didn’t say that, is that what it sounded like? Do I sound mean? Does Ira think I’m harassing her? I just want to be her friend… “No… kinda? but-“
“Seriously, the nerve of you!”
That’s not what I meant…
“She’s never done nothin unprompted yet you still try to start some shit.”
I’m not…
“And to try and ask her friend so you can up your harassment game!”
…
“Y'all get bolder every-“
“No!” Loud, need to be quieter. “That’s not- that’s not it… I want to be her friend!” Am I crying? It's painful in the cold—not the first... “I want to talk to her more, that’s it I swear!”
Is she still angry? Does she think I’m lying? Can’t see… “If you don’t want to tell me anything that’s fine, I have no right to know, but- but I’m not trying to bother her, I would never!”
I wipe away my tears… there’s a lot, but I said my piece, and they’re slowing down, I think. Why did I get emotional like that, I never get like that, I never-
Her face softens, was it something I said?
“What’s your name again?”
“Um.” Gosh I sound like a mess, “Asya… Shubina.”
“Pfft, that’s hilarious.”
What, why? “Wh-why?”
“Nothin nothin, I’m Marina by the way.” She holds her hand out. I’ve got no reason to refuse, but, this is out of nowhere right? My eyes still feel heavy.
“Nice to meet you…”
“I’ll bet! Let’s see: Fridays you can find her at the radio tower around seven, the girls bathroom in between lessons if she goes to school, and at the gara- actually, scratch that one. Let’s see…”
She puts her finger to the side of her face while she thinks of the rest.
“Um! Thank you! Really, but, why are you telling me this?”
“Oh… y’know? Yeah, one last thing! If she ever seems like she wants to be alone, do me a favor and just turn tail and don’t bother her, trust me. You’ll both be better off.”
Ira always looks like she wants to be alone though? Is that not the case? Does she secretly want company and just not know how to show it?
“Um, thank you! A lot!”
“Yeah yeah don’t mention it. I gotta head out, you take care lovebird!”
“You too.” Lovebird?!
Ira is going to leave soon. I know it, Garin is waiting for it, it’s going to happen. I should be happier, the moments we’ve spent together have been fickle, but easily my happiest moments.
I should be happy.
The universe has put me in a place that gave me the opportunity to meet Ira, no matter how unintentional. I should appreciate that, and I do… but…
I should be happy.
This is stupid.
I know?! There’s still time! A bit under a month until new years, and it will still take a while before she’s fully transferred out of Vorkuta-5! It’s sad, there’s no skirting around it, but I shouldn’t sulk when I could be making the most of the time I have left with her!
Let’s see… she wasn’t at school, not Friday, but I still checked the radio tower, where else did Marina mention… The garages I think? On the outskirts of town. Might as well check either way.
It’s a pretty far walk compared to what I’m used to, I doubt many people come all the way out here—probably why Ira likes it.
The garage lot is pretty confined, it might’ve been hard to find Ira, but she stuck out enough, crouching by one of the walls with a thermos and cigarette in hand.
She seems engrossed in thought. “Hi Ira!” I wave from afar to not spook her too much.
She still startles, quickly turning to me. Maybe she didn’t expect someone so far on the outskirts. “Jesus… It’s you…” She seems relieved, and, maybe a little agitated.
“What are you doing here? If you don’t mind me asking…”
“The hell are you doing here?”
“Oh! Im… just walking around?”
“The garage lot?”
“Y-ya!”
I’m not good at lying—no, it’s a half-truth! Why am I lying? Do I really have anything to hide? I’m being weird, why did I do any of this. I wanted to talk to Ira more, but I never see her unless Garin is messing with me. Is it so much to ask to see her more? Am I overstepping? Am I being selfish? How do I fix this, please don’t hate me.
Ira recedes into herself more, staring at the dirty snow beneath her. I can’t see her face, but she seems exhausted. I want to comfort her somehow. I don’t know how to—would she even want that? I don’t know what she’s thinking, I don’t know-
She mutters something. The wind howls as it rushes between us. I hold onto my scarf, while Ira, barely flinches. I’m too far to hear her.
“Huh?” I take a step forward-
“Go away you fucking stalker!”
“…”
I can’t feel the cold air on my face anymore—as if it abruptly stopped, but I know that’s not true. The wind still blows, feint specks of snow ride along it, and the winter chill is as prevalent as ever, but my perception of it—my view—its stuck in place. Stalker? Yeah, that might be a fair assessment. What am I doing? Everytime I’ve seen Ira she’s loathed to see me. So why do I keep trying? It’s so stupid; I’m so stupid, and selfish, and-
I’m still here. I’m stalling. I want Ira to take it back, apologize or something, but that’s the stupidest, most selfish thought yet.
“I’m sorry.”
“…”
“She called you a stalker!?”
“Yeah… It’s kinda true…”
“That idiot…” Marina mutters under her breath. Is she talking about me?
I really didn’t think I was wearing my heart on my sleeve that much, but Marina picked me out of a crowd immediately. Brought me to a cafe and everything. She’s really nice; I’m glad she’s Ira’s friend.
“Listen. I don’t, think she meant that…”
She doesn’t sound very confident. “Think?”
“She’s… Ira’s complicated. Yknow? She can say things she doesn’t mean, and her emotions can get messy.”
That seems wrong, or more like an oversimplification. Is she trying to make me feel better? She really is so nice, so so so nice. She’s so nice to someone she barely knows, she’s giving me her precious time, just because I look a little sad. This world is too kind for sending someone like her my way—or, placing her in my path, or having our paths intercept?
Why am I so ungrateful? I just want to talk to Ira; what’s wrong with me.
“Um, I dunno where she's been, but just, give her time. This’ll all blow over and you’ll both laugh about it, yeah?”
Just give it time, yeah.
“…”
We’re both silent, nothing heard but the chatter from other tables and the clinking of utensils. It’s a slow hour, but there’s still so much noise.
“So… ya gonna order anything?”
You don’t have to do this; you shouldn’t force yourself. This is too far, it’s too much for someone like me.
“You want to keep talking to me?”
“No duh! I mean c’mon, Ira isn’t the only thing in the world, ya gotta cheer up somehow.”
I hadn’t noticed how nice this place is, my brain feels like it’s been in a fog all day—yesterday as well… The aroma here is so nice, it’s bound to happen with how much coffee is made along with other pastries, but it really adds to the atmosphere. Atmosphere… It’s so well designed, lots of plants that are so nice to see this far into winter, warm lighting to soothe the eyes after staring at snow for so long, the chairs are comfortable as well. I’m glad they can afford such high-quality things.
Why would Marina bring me here? I don’t belong, this is a place friends should go, not a leech like me-
Can you not live in the moment for once in your life?!
Sorry!! I’m still thinking about Ira—how much I messed up, how I can never go back. But you’re right, of course you’re right. Nothing can change what happened, I should just move on.
Marina is looking at me weird, I did just abruptly stop talking.
“Sorry, I spaced out.”
I try to chuckle. It’s not hard, definitely isn’t forced, but it feels out of place. I need to stop thinking so much, ‘live in the moment.’
“Yeah yeah, no biggie, now order something. You’re makin me look like a bad host!”
“You’re not even hosting anything…”
“It’s the principle!”
I take a moment to scan over the menu, picking out the first thing that catches my eye. “Is the Bird’s Milk soufflé good? I’ve never been here…”
We talk a lot in between bites. I don’t want to call it mindless chatter, that’s incredibly insincere, but we’re avoiding the topic that brought us here. I guess that’s the point. We said what needs to be said.
The current conversation topic reaches its end. Both of us go quiet, not knowing where to go next. Frankly, we’ve been here an hour or so, we really should just go our separate ways for the day, but ending it here feels awkward. Marina seems to come to the same conclusion.
“So… what do you like about Ira?”
“She’s-“
Marina is smirking.
“You worded that weird on purpose…”
“Whaaaat I would never… cmon answer the question.”
She really loves her teasing huh… “Ira’s helped me a lot, saved me I could even say, but that’s a bit conceited? She’s… confident, she doesn’t take anything from anyone, and no matter how many people are looking at her she never falters. But… she also looks hurt. Saying I want to help her is wrong, I don’t think there’s anything I could do to help—I’m not arrogant enough to think that… But, I think she deserves better, and maybe I could help with that… I’mso sorry I’m rambling!”
“Noo! No, It’s fine really! I’m glad to see how you look at her. All my suspicion that you’re a stalker has been whisked away!”
“That’s not funny…”
“Heheh, sorry…”
It’s not so bad really. Marina assured me Ira just needed time, so that’s what I’ll give her! Besides, all of my walks have been focused on Ira, when I should be appreciating everything in the world around me. There’s still so much in Vorkuta-5 that I haven’t given the time of day, infinitely more outside of here. Proof my finite life will never appreciate this universe as much as I want to, but if my entire existence could amount to loving the world to an exactly equal level to what my existence is worth, I could die happy.
I just need to love the universe a little more, make my signal a little stronger, then the impossible task of loving an infinite universe can finally be realized.
But I need to start small. Everything in the universe is worth admiration. That includes the quaint park I used to play at. It’s snowed over in a perfectly equal plane—save for a couple footprints—and there isn’t a soul around, just as it used to be. No one but my family and I with the entire park to ourselves, while all the other kids played at the newer one five minutes away.
It was a nice blessing from the universe. I had no issue at a park that was a little more run down—a park is a park, in all the same beauty and with all the same enjoyment to be had—and I was rewarded with a quiet place all to myself.
And yet today it somehow seems even quieter than before, with nothing but the metal clinking of swing chains and-
“Eh?”
Someone is sitting at the frozen merry-go-round.
I walk forward into the deep snow, almost unconsciously. Everything is quiet, even the swing chains don’t make the slightest sound anymore, did the wind stop? It’s possible… I don’t feel it, but then again, the only thing I’m focused on is the girl in front of me that I’ve finally recognized. It’s Ira.
She looks… broken, weary. She’s just staring at the ground with rampant tears that must be stinging in the cold. What is she doing out here?
The first thought that comes to mind, the first selfish, foolish, downright deplorable thought that comes to mind: If ever there was an indicator she wanted to be alone, this was it.
I push past those fickle thoughts—stupid ideas that only serve to keep me stagnant. Only a few meters away, I’m hesitating—I want to get closer, what’s stopping me?
“…Ira?”
She looks up quickly, eyes darting to mine immediately. She looks so small.
“What- what do you want.”
My mind races at that thought. ‘I want to help’ echoes internally, but what can I do? A blip in the cosmos—hell, a blip in Vorkuta-5. I’ve never amounted to anything, how could I hope to be the person Ira needs right now?
“I-“
Ira stands, cutting me off. She stumbles as she rises, and wipes at her eyes one more time.
“Let me guess: just going for a walk? Having a nice stroll through the freezing cold hoping to spot some miserable-“
Her voice breaks, she doesn’t try to continue the sentence.
“No…” That’s all I’ve got? ‘No?’ I’m so-
“Then get the fuck out of here!”
…
“Go home… Asya. This isn’t for you.”
I take a small step forward. What do I say, what do I say, I can’t let it end like this, this is too much. No matter what Marina says, this isn’t something you just recover from. I can’t just let her walk away…
She turns around, and stumbles through the snow.
No!
Say it god dammit!
“No!”
I rush towards her and-! End up trudging through thick snow. I already sound out of breath, this is so pathetic-
But Ira stops in her tracks. I keep going, as long as she’s there- no. Even if she walks away I’ll follow her footprints in the snow. She doesn’t walk away though, the moment she heard me yell behind her she stood in place, I don’t know why- maybe I have the chance to ask her…
I grab her hand the moment I’m within arms reach of her. It’s cold—I’m sure mine is no different, It’s probably uncomfortable for her- but I don’t care!
“Ira...” I try to yell just a little but I’m out of breath.
She doesn’t look behind her, but she’s here, that’s all that matters.
“Ira, I’m-! I’m almost finished with the poem! It’s not quite done, so… I can’t show you it right now, but it should be done soon!”
“…”
“That’s a lie…”
“…?”
“I stayed up all night the day you asked me to write it, I was so tired the next day, but I didn’t want to risk seeing you again without it finished.” Why am I laughing, it's not funny.
“Stupid right? Why would you care if I didn’t have it done yet? You’re rational, you can see that I probably needed more time. But, I wanted to get it done anyway.”
“I could’ve shown you it sooner, but, I’m embarrassed… What if you don’t like it? What if I put too much emotion into it? Isn’t that a stupid thought…? You said you liked my poem, so why would you want me to change what I put into this one?”
“But I still can’t show you… Sorry, I’m still too embarrassed. But I’ll show you eventually—when I have more confidence in myself! Can I ask you to wait for that moment?”
She didn’t say a word, didn’t cut me off, barely reacted—like I was talking to a wall. But her hand twitched. The hand I was holding onto for dear life moved ever so subtly.
“Why-“
“Why what?”
“… Why do this, why do all this I called you a stalker why do you want anything to do with me whywhywhywhy-“
“Hey!” I move in front of Ira to face her, holding onto her hand the entire time. She’s facing the ground, eyes wide with tears freely flowing. Her breaths are rapid. “It’s okay, it’s okay- wait, c’mon.”
I try pulling Ira back to the merry-go-round to sit. She doesn’t resist, but I’m so weak, it’s difficult, but I’m not gonna stop.
I lightly push her onto the cold metal. I wish I could just bring her to my apartment but it’s so far… no, she wouldn’t want that anyway, not where other people might see her. Fu- damn... it’s so cold though. I kneel down facing Ira, forcing her to look at me.
“It’s okay Ira, breathe in slowly.” I squeeze her hands tightly, to give her any semblance of warmth. “Ground yourself.”
She’s blinking now, I move to sit next to her. Taking away one of my hands causes her to flinch, sorry… I lightly wipe at the tears on her face, careful to not rub at her eyes anymore than she already has.
Is there anything else I can do?
No… or, I don’t know.
Just be here.
She’s blinking more now. My eyes are locked onto her still; like nothing else in the world matters. I know that’s not true, but it’s words I can use to come close to conveying what I feel, that’s all that really matters right?
I feel subtle movements next to me. I'm starting to warm up her hand. Having it clasped between mine for who-knows how long is bound to—still, I didn’t think it’d make much of a difference… I’ve never held someone's hand this long…
I think I see the light in her eyes return. Her lips are parsed, and so dry in this weather.
She’s squeezing back at my hand now.
She stopped mumbling.
She’s swaying now.
She-
She’s leaning on my shoulder now.
“How long have we been out here…”
She’s talking now.
“I don’t know… a while?”
“That’s not helpful.”
“Sorry… Do you need to go home?”
“Yeah… You?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to?”
I’ve never disobeyed my parents curfew. They give me a lot of freedom so It’d be disrespectful if I were to disobey the few rules they have. But…
“Not until you do.”
“Then stay for a bit longer.”
“Okay.”