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How many times had it even been? Saparata is tired, absolutely tired from this mess. Returning to Flux's apartment — after their so called lover's spat.
"Let's take a break," Flux said and that solution solved nothing.
… but Saparata has never been good at leaving, has he?
Fluixon stood there in the middle of the room, his head turned towards Saparata who walked to him, wrapping his arms around Flux's abdomen.
"You're here."
(Yeah, I always come back running to you, don't I?)
"Mn," Saparata hummed, "I'm tired."
"… are you hungry? I ordered takeout."
The way Fluixon was acting like nothing happened. It left a bitter taste in Saparata's mouth — with the way how their last argument ended.
"Yeah."
Maybe it'll be fine, yeah, just act normal.
Fluixon led him to the kitchen where a plastic bag sat on the counter, looking lonely. He sat down, beckoning Saparata to sit down with him. Saparata's monochrome eyes flickered to the bag before they moved back to Fluixon's face. The latter tried to smile, albeit forcefully.
"Are you tired?" Saparata suddenly asked, bringing his hand up to Fluixon's cheek.
"… kinda, my work's been stifling lately."
"Let's eat quick then."
The two of them ate quietly, Fluixon's eyes lingered nowhere else but his own plate of cold food. Saparata looked at the other while he chewed on the small bites.
The food had no taste in his mouth entirely.
Even when they fumbled over the dishes — Fluixon made it his mission to avoid Saparata's face entirely. The sunset flooded through the melancholy blue curtains of Fluixon's apartment, a muted, dull purple tinted the kitchen and living room.
"… You should open your curtains more."
"I don't really like the bright sunlight," Fluixon explained, stacking the plates.
"It'll be bad for your eyes."
Fluixon huffed, "I'll be fine."
Saparata opened his mouth, only to close it again. The other male saw it, but didn't question it, as if not to push Saparata further.
By the time they were done with the dishes, the sun had already set.
"Do you wanna watch something or..?"
"I'm tired, so I'll sleep," Saparata picked up his bag, "I'll sleep on the couch if that's okay with you?"
Fluixon opened his mouth as if the protest then he closed it, nodding along, "Alright, I'll.. bring you some blankets."
…
"Okay," Saparata agreed as he scrolled on his phone. His finger hovered over Micro's contact, the punk sent so many messages — his brother was always fretting after him.
As Fluixon left to get the blankets, Saparata finally answered Micro's hurriedly typed texts. Seems like he was frightened when he didn't find Saparata at their shared apartment.
micro: don't tell me you went back.
micro: saps.
saparata: sorry, i just couldn't leave him hanging
"Here," Fluixon put the blankets besides Saparata, the latter flinched due to the sudden action. He didn't expect him to be so quick — haah, his mind is getting so much more duller by the day.
"I'll.. go to sleep now."
Why is he even stating that?
"Alright, goodnight."
Saparata made himself comfortable on the couch, the blanket warmly wafted over his body. He watched as the clock's hands moved.
5:55 PM.
The clock ticked over and over again until Saparata felt his eyes close slowly. Maybe he'll dream of a brighter future this time.
Saparata doesn't know if he imagined it — but he felt a hand softly brush his hand.
Saparata leaned into Fluixon as they harvested the plants in the garden of Saparata's home, all the way out of the big city.
"Hey, look — I got a big carrot!" He grinned dumbly at Fluixon.
"Yes, yes, you did."
"Wow~ not even gonna praise me for it?"
"It's not like you watered the plants everyday, I did that."
"But look at the way I harvested it, c'mon, I have the skill." Saparata slurred his words as he hugged Fluixon with his messy gloves, one hand still holding the carrot.
"!!" Fluixon exclaimed, "Let go, you're messy!"
Saparata giggled as he put Fluixon down. Then his eyes flickered up to his beloved lover's face.
…?
The look of contempt is what greets him.
"Flux?"
"Saparata, you disgust me. Let's go our separate ways — I can't even bear to look at you."
…
"You don't mean that," Saparata grabbed Fluixon's hands, his grip was desperate, "You don't, right?"
Saparata's expression set into dread as he looked at Fluixon's disgusted face.
"Flux—"
Saparata snapped his eyes open, his head immediately turned to the clock which ticked every second.
12:23 AM.
He breathed shakily, sitting up as he looked around the room. He subconsciously searched for a familiar figure before he forced himself to stop.
… just a dream.
He stood up on shaky legs to head to the kitchen — just to douse his face with cold water, anything to anchor him to reality. Once, twice, thrice, until it was enough for him to blink the sleep out of his eyes.
(To blink that dream out of his mind.)
He closed the tap then walked back to the couch. He sat on top of the blankets, his hand reached for his phone which was on the table.
It's like he was a man possessed — with the way he opened his gallery, just to scroll through the photos of him and Flux.
Some shots were at the beach, others were in his apartment, others were in that cafe which he used to work at. Most pictures were just of Flux, some with him grumbling, others with him smiling brightly.
Saparata kissed the phone, anything to make him feel less hollow.
The tears welled up in his eyes before he even knew it and suddenly — Saparata was hunched over the pillow, sobbing into it.
He hoped Flux wouldn't hear him.
No matter how much he tried to stop those pathetic cries, they just wouldn't stop. His body shook with every sob as he buried his face into the soft surface, to stifle his own voice.
His eyes burned as he slowly calmed down — then he went back to looking at the pictures. Maybe he just loved torturing himself, maybe this was the only way to cope.
But this time, he wasn't able to cry. A dull ache settled in his chest as he thought.
…
Was it really okay to act normal… after all of this?
Saparata felt like a parasite — leeching onto Fluixon for every bit of love he could give, even though the other struggled with such things. The way he pushed Fluixon verbally during that argument when the other said he had to leave for a one week trip. The way he spat his words at Flux without consideration.
If only he was more understanding.
But he's selfish when it comes to love, when it comes to.. this broken mess of a relationship.
He laid down then gripped his phone tightly against him. The light coming from the screen was burning his eyes even if he scrolled through the photos one by one.
… he's disgusting.
All he was a horrendous parasite, yearning for love from only one person who feared the emotion itself.
He doesn't know whether if he wanted Flux to lie to him about his love or not.
"Flux, you look horrible," Thomas pointed out, "I told you—"
"I'm fine," Fluixon cut him off, "I'll be fine."
Thomas walked to the other, until he stopped right in front of him. His expression looked worried, concerned over some stupid… thing. (No, his relationship is not stupid, is it?)
"You look tired, why didn't you take the day off?"
"I can't miss any day."
"Why? Oh, because of.."
Because his salary got tanked — due to the simple business trip offer he didn't take. The boss horribly wanted Fluixon's presentative skill on that, but when he declined due to "personal matters" and "mental health problems", the boss was enraged. He was pissed and ducked Fluixon's pay.
Getting by was already hard for Flux. Ever since he cut ties with his family.
"But you should still take care of yourself," Thomas put the cup of coffee on Fluixon's desk, "You look worse everyday."
Fluixon gulped the cup of coffee down as soon as Thomas put it on his desk. He grumbled something under his breath before he snapped his head towards Thomas.
"Just don't bug me."
"It's Saps, isn't it?"
Fluixon's fingers stopped where they hovered over the keys of the keyboard. He glared at Thomas, "Why are you asking about this?"
"Because I'm obviously worried, Flux! You look paler by the day, and I'm fucking worried about you."
"…" Fluixon stilled, his expression unreadable, "You don't need to worry about me."
He quickly shuts Thomas up by abruptly standing up and leaving the room — the empty coffee cup was crushed in his hand as he rushed out the door.
Escape.
That's all he searches for — in this whole lifetime.
He avoided Thomas the whole day, his mind was too tired to work, to answer the other's questions. He didn't mind being alone even in lunch but Thomas's expression was always settled into worry for the whole day.
Fluixon was sick of it.
Worry for what? He's fine, Saparata's fine. Everyone's fine.
He dragged his tired body across the footpath — doing overtime was so tiring, his vision was so blurry for interval of time where he struggled to graph down the statistics.
This is what his life had watered down to. He searched for freedom, a way to escape and he got freedom. At the cost of his family and his work.
He absentmindedly counted the tiles on the footpath as he walked, he didn't even realize his phone was ringing until he finally looked forward.
He pulled out his phone. Saparata was calling, maybe he was worried that Flux wasn't at his apartment yet.
He picked up only to hear the cries of Saparata's.
The latter was sobbing, hiccuping with each breathe he took in. Those sounds enough made Flux pause on the path. Some person behind him cursed him out — but his mind was only focused on Saparata.
Why is he crying? Where—
"Flux," Saparata sobbed, "I don't know if I can do this anymore."
Just as Flux heard those words — he started sprinting down the footpath, brushing past the person from before. He heard those words so many times before, in high school, in college, when Saparata was beaten up and bruised by his life.
"Where are you?" The words got forced out from Flux's throat as he frantically rushed down the streets.
"… hic, I'm at our apartment."
Our. When did it stop becoming ours?
For the rest of the way back to their — no, his apartment, Fluixon does not know if he kept on talking to Saps or if he just ran back in silence but the dread in his bones settled heavier as soon as he opened the door to the apartment.
Too quiet, it's too quiet. No, don't tell me—
He almost toppled over as he barged into his bedroom. His eyes roamed over the place before the landed on Saparata. The dread which filled his entire body slowly eased as he approached — He hoisted Saparata onto the bed.
Saparata's were puffy, as if he had been crying.
I wonder who did this to you.
(It's because of me, isn't it?)
Saparata woke up with a headache the other day — he doesn't remember what happened last night. Only vague memories where he drank until he cried and in that drunken stupor, he called Flux.
…
You're such a bother to him. A voice inside his mind beckoned.
He sat up on the bed, the other side was empty. His hand slowly ran down the empty side until he brought up his hands to his face and buried his face inside them. He was tired, so incredibly tired of what? He didn't know.
(But you did know, you're just too scared to acknowledge it.)
He moved to stand up then froze when he saw a note on the bedside table. Without thinking, he picked it up.
There's leftovers in the fridge. I'll probably be late tonight too, so order takeout if you want tonight.
-Flux
P.S Don't try anything funny.
Anything funny?
Saparata scoffed, he wouldn't go back to what he was before. No, he absolutely wouldn't.
He stuffed the note in his pocket and walked out to the living room. The curtains were pulled open this time. Not the stifling darkness Flux used to sit in.
And for the first time in his life, Saparata pulled the curtains close.
He slowly moved to the kitchen, as if he was dead man walking. His eyes landed on the pot of Carnations he had gotten for Flux when they first started dating. They were wilting, some had already lost all of their petals.
… it feels like life itself is mocking him.
He did whatever he had to do — took the food out, ate it (even though it tasted like nothing), did the dishes and went back to the bedroom.
He should clock into work today but the fatigue in his bones prevented him from doing anything like that. He grumbled as he unlocked his phone to send one of his co-workers and quick text and he laid down to drift back to sleep once more.
This time, Saparata dreamed about his third date with Flux. The whole day was so memorable for Saparata to the point he had it engraved it into his memory itself — even though it was just a simple picnic on the beach.
But here, in his dream, Saparata was the one watching his dream self and Flux run across the shoreline.
The picnic blanket had been forgotten long ago as soon as Fluixon started chasing Saparata when the latter splashed him with the sea water. The two moved across the shoreline before Saparata turned around and pulled Fluixon with him to the water.
Even if Saparata was just watching them, a flicker of a smile appeared on his face.
The dream Saparata splashed Fluixon with more water until Flux lunged at him and dragged him down. The other, taller male struggled until he picked Flux up and tossed him back into the sand.
"You dummy!" Saparata could hear his dream-self laughing, "What are you doing lunging at me?"
"Well, you got me all wet!"
"But you could've splashed me back, y'know!?"
"Stop laughing, it's embarrassing."
"You know what, c'mere, Flux, my cutie~~" Dream Saparata pulled the other Flux in.
"Ew, don't be weird!"
Then the dream version of Saparata slowly kissed Flux, then got thwacked on the head twice by the flustered Flux. He just laughed loudly and kissed the other again as he burrowed him into the sand.
Then someone tugged on his sleeve, Saparata snapped his head towards.. Flux? The other gripped his arm tight. He looked up at Saparata.
"Always thinking of what it could be, right?" Fluixon murmured, "Imbecile, it's all your fault."
"Flux—"
Saparata woke up in a cold sweat, he shoved off the covers and walked towards the bathroom. He entered the shower and turned on the water. Then he sat down on the cold tile floor, waiting to be completely soaked.
Flux's struggling with bills, right. I shouldn't try wasting water.
He stood up and closed the water — just to sit back down on the cold, wet tile floor of the bathroom. He leaned his head against the wall, sniffling softly. The thoughts in his mind were running rampant, to the point he couldn't think straight.
But one thing was clear.
When and where did it all go wrong?
He didn't jolt when the bathroom door was slammed open by Flux, he didn't react when Flux dragged him out of the shower and dried him up, he didn't move when Flux changed him into new clothes and dried his hair.
By the time Flux opened his mouth, they were already on Flux's bed (no, their bed, right?) under the comfort of the warm blanket.
"Saps."
"Hm?"
"… you're okay," Flux hugged him, burrowing his face into Saparata's chest, "You're okay."
"…" Saparata looked down at Flux, "Yeah, I am."
Fluixon was preparing food in the kitchen before Saparata suddenly came out of their bedroom. The other had been horribly pale since the last days, sitting like mannequin, a porcelain doll of no mind of it's own.
"You're up," He immediately turned down the stove and rushed to Saparata, "Are you fine?"
"I'm okay."
"… Come, sit down, I'm preparing breakfast."
"You don't have work?" Saparata tilted his head.
"It's a Saturday, Saps."
".. it is..?"
Fluixon led Saparata to the chair, pulling it out for him and waiting for him to sit down. Saparata obediently sat down and looked over at the kitchen. He sat motionless almost — it was terrifying for Flux.
As Fluixon did his normal routine of cooking and serving Saparata as he looked down on the mediocre food he had prepared, he suddenly missed Saparata's cooking. The way he used to move around the kitchen and prepare such delicacies for Flux.
… he missed how it was like before.
After they both finished eating, Fluixon did the dishes as Saparata sat on the couch.
"… Why are you pretending like it's all okay?"
With those few words from Saps, Fluixon's whole body stilled. He looked at Saparata with a confused and mortified expression.
"What do you mean? We are okay."
“The argument,” Saparata blankly muttered. “You— we can’t just… act like it didn’t happen.”
“We didn’t even—” he exhaled sharply, “we didn’t even apologize. So how am I supposed to think this is fine?”
Fluixon set the plates down as he looked at Saparata.
"… That's not.." He fumbled over his words, "Saparata, it's… didn't we drop this topic already?"
Saparata stood up, his eyes unfocused, “But we didn’t, you’re ignoring it. You always ignore it.”
“I know you’re busy, I get that, but you can’t just—” he cut himself off, “you can’t keep doing this, avoiding all this. I don’t want this to end up like this, I don’t…” he swallowed, “I don’t want to keep feeling like this around you.”
Fluixon looked like he was frozen into place as he observed Saparata. He quickly washed his hands and rushed to the other — making him sit down.
Saparata's eyes snapped to Flux, for him, this was the first time Saparata's gaze felt so clear in days. Fluixon tensed up, his body betraying him.
He wanted to run away, to be free from that restricting gaze.
Saparata grabbed his wrist, "We didn't even apologize to each other, Flux. Pleas— just understand me. Do you even lov—"
"I'm stressed from work, Saps. Please understand, can you please just drop it?"
"No," Saps snapped back, "How can I just drop this? We — well, you — you act like everything's over, when it's not."
“Because dragging it out won’t help either of us,” Fluixon muttered. “It’ll just turn into another fight and—"
"But we're already fighting, Flux!" Saparata shot back.
"We're not—"
"Yes, we are, Flux! I don't— know what type of stupid delusional world you are in, but it's right in front of our faces and we can't ignore this!"
Fluixon stayed silent, his mind running. What should he even do? Everything's becoming worse, no, no, no.
"Don't just ignore it, please…" Saparata's voice cracked, "Look at me — and just tell me instead of ignoring me."
Fluixon swallowed, “I’m not ignoring it. I just don’t see why we have to keep going over the same thing.”
“Because it matters, Flux!" Saparata shouted at Flux, causing him to shrink back, "You avoided it last time too, why? I'm sorr— no, it was wrong of me to pile it on you, but it matters to me now too!"
Fluixon looked away, “I’m tired, Saps. I don’t want to do this right now.”
“When, then?”
Fluixon didn't know what to answer, he pressed his lips in a thin line as he looked away from Saparata. His eyes darted across the room. But for Saparata this was no answer. Silence wasn't something he would accept.
“When, Flux?” he pressed, voice much more smaller now. “Because it’s never now with you.”
Fluixon exhaled sharply, rubbing his temple. “Can we not do this—”
"Do you even love me? Do you even fucking want me he—"
"I get it, Saparata! I get it!" Fluixon snapped, his voice echoed through the room, "Can you just stop it already? Work's been so shit, everything — I have other things to do and the fact that you keep on pushing me on thi—"
"Because you won't answer me!"
“Because I don’t know what you want me to say!” Fluixon yanked his wrist out of Saparata's grip.
Saparata's eyes were glazed as he stared at Fluixon, "Just start with the trut— no, just answer my questions."
His hand hovered over Fluixon's wrist, "Because the way you act, it feels like you treat me like a bother. You don't even loo—"
“Why does it always have to be about that?” Fluixon cut him short.
Fluixon moved away from Saparata, "Can you just leave me alone!?"
Saparata froze, his hand was mid-way searching for Fluixon's. His expression made it seem like he was devastated, well, he was. But Flux didn't want to even look at him.
“…Right,” he let out a quiet, hollow laugh. “That’s easier, isn’t it? It's always easier for you to run away."
Fluixon didn't answer, more like he couldn't — he didn't even know where his feet carried him as he left the room which was filled with a suffocating haze.
He heard a scoff from Saparata as he left, he looked defeated as he laid down on the couch as Fluixon turned away.
It felt mocking, degrading Flux — even as he ran down the street and brushed past multiple people, the scoff echoed in his mind, mocking him.
"Yeah, just run away, that's all you now how to do."
He's heard those words once, but they've stuck to his brain like he engraved that to his entire being for no reason. Escape, escape, escape, that's all he searches for, a way out. Anything to save him from this mess.
He's left breathing heavily as he runs somewhere, he doesn't know where. The beach would be nice, but it's too far. He doesn't want to go too far — if he does, how will he return to Saparata? Something might happen to the other, he's scared of that. He wanted to dig into the ground and bury himself then come out maybe years later.
It's right in his face, but Flux wouldn't dare confront it.
He doesn't want to.
He thought about Saparata as he ran.
He doesn’t know what Saparata wants from him. And even if he did know — what would he even do with it? What should he even do? It's hard to tell what to do for Saparata, he just doesn't want to fail him.
He kicked a rock out of frustration, he's so… annoyed. With himself, with Saparata, with his life that's been weighing down on him. Everything seems like a dead end, no exit, so where does Flux go?
If that argument escalated, would Saparata say "I'm not happy with this"? Would Saps break off the relationship and leave Flux all alone again? Fluixon can't say what the other person wants to hear and that makes him so much more worried.
They were fine, completely fine before Saparata brought up the argument again. Why did he do that? Wasn't he alright?
No. He wasn't, it was already obvious.
Saparata's already getting worse by the second — Fluixon knew that. The way the other used to hover like a ghost unlike the lively version of himself just months ago, what even went wrong? Maybe it was because of that petty argument from before.
But what good does that do? What if Flux says something harmful to Saparata and hurts him then he leaves for good? What should he even do? He doesn't want to fail Saparata.
So maybe he should just ignore it again. It's just a small lover's spat, nothing else, it'll boil up then sizzle down — they'll be fine again, yeah, they will.
Maybe they just needed something normal again. Maybe he'll take Saparata to the beach, just like the old times, they'll have fun then everything's gonna be normal once again.
He'll apologize to Saps too. He's upset about that, right?
Flux's eyes were unfocused as he stared at his hands. Why was he so shaky? It'll be fine — why won't his mind listen to him at all? It'll be okay.
It'll be fine. It's always been fine.
The apology fixed most of it, Fluixon thought. They've settled back into their normal rhythm — their boring, comfortable mundane life.
But for Flux, something felt off. Horribly off.
Saparata might be… normal. Going to his job, coming back after a while to Flux's apartment. They've been fine, Flux would like to think. But there was this horrible sense of unease. They were fine, yes but Saparata wouldn't stop his behavior of staring into seemingly nowhere.
Fluixon ignored it. Sure, it made him uncomfortable but he wouldn't want to bother Saps.
Just like he had planned, he did take Saparata to the beach — the place they used to frequent whenever life got too hard on them. They used to run across the shorelines, giggling and laughing as they splashed each other with the clear sea water.
Sometimes they would stay until sunset. They would watch as the sun would go down, drawing cute doodles into the sand. Fluixon remembered that Saparata loved to collect those seashells across the beach and make a big heart with them.
And in that same big heart, he used to pull Flux in and kiss him stupid.
This time, though. The mood just felt somber — maybe they just grew older and out of their "childish" habits, at least that's what Flux would like to blame it on.
He slowly led Saparata across the beach like he was a frail porcelain doll that needed extra care. If it was the past Saparata, then he might've gave Flux a What are you doing? look but… here, his Saparata's gaze laid only on Flux as they walked past the shoreline.
Saparata watched as the sun set slowly, a hint of a small smile on his face. He moved closer to the water, letting his legs get soaked halfway before he turned to look towards Flux.
Fluixon knew what that look meant — Do you want to come in here with me?
And Flux complied. He moved forward to Saparata, standing right next to him with enough distance that their hands wouldn't touch. He expected Saps to move closer, but the other just slowly made ripples in the water with his hands.
They stood there for a while. Until Flux moved to grab Saparata's hand.
"It's getting colder, let's go back."
Saparata nodded — then let himself be dragged back onto shore by Flux. Saparata stood back at the shoreline.
"I'll stay here for a while. Um, you can go pack up, tell me if you need anything."
"Alright."
Fluixon didn't have enough energy anymore to protest that.
He slowly packed up their things — it was an eventful day, he'd like to say, yeah, they had fun. Plenty of fun. It's only when he turned around to see Saparata playing with the seashells on the shoreline that something clicked.
…
He looked content unlike when he was with Fluixon. He smiled as he played with the sand slowly, the smile Fluixon adored so much. It felt like they were back to how they were from before, with the way Saparata would playfully draw into the sand.
This relationship won't last, will it?
That's something Flux had ran away from for so long. The dread of their relationship ending soon, it started from the arguments — the way their thoughts didn't align in the middle. Yes, they loved each other but things like love won't solve their other problems.
Fluixon thought that he should end it that he should finish it once and for all. He finally acknowledged the problem, after all.
But, he won't say anything. He wanted to act like everything is still normal, that everything is fine so he can have Saparata to himself, just for a little bit, even if it's not for a long time.
He wanted to be selfish.
He wanted to say so much more instead of running.
But it's like his mind refused to change.
Just for a little bit, only a little.
"Saps!" Fluixon shouted, "Let's go home!"
Saparata snapped his head up, "Alright."
Saparata had been staying over in Flux's apartment way too long. He just used the excuse that Fluixon's apartment is just nearer to his workplace, so that's why he stays. Micro had been checking up on him almost daily — that was nice.
He checked his phone as he walked into the bathroom. Fluixon was already in there, brushing his teeth. He looked over at Saps before handing him his toothbrush. Saparata took it, then also started brushing his teeth.
Fluixon gurgled his mouth then looked at Saps, "Did you sleep well?"
"Mn," Saps made a hum in agreement.
Fluixon softly smiled at him and left the room. Saparata watched as the other walked out — something felt grueling.
This feels weird.
He gurgled his mouth with water before he doused cold water on his face. He still felt like he was in a dream, a really horrible one. It wasn't nightmare-ish yet, just… a horrible dream that he wanted to be free from.
He walked out after a while — stopping at the sight of Fluixon who was standing at the kitchen. Right, it's been a while since he cooked, so why doesn't he do it today?
"Flux, can I cook today?"
"Oh, sure," Fluixon moved to the side as Saparata approached.
Saparata's eyes lingered on the still withering carnation — holding on for long as it could. But it was futile, too many petals had fell already.
"It's wilting." Saparata pointed out.
"Yeah," Fluixon guilty admitted, "I didn't have time to take care of it before."
… well, Saps could've taken care of it when he first noticed it. But he didn't — it was his fault too.
"It's alright."
The two moved across the kitchen as Saparata prepared a nice dish for the both of them. Cooking after a while felt refreshing for Saparata, he felt better. Fluixon helped him around a bit, which was appreciated by Saparata.
They slowly prepared the table for breakfast — just like how they always did. Fluixon made a comment about how delicious the food looked but Saparata's gaze only lingered on the wilting carnation.
It felt mocking.
Saparata watched Fluixon pick at his food. He looked down at his own plate, suddenly nothing seemed appetizing to him anymore. He didn't know why, he didn't know how to explain why but he slowly shoved the food down his throat.
His gaze moved from Fluixon's face to down to his own plate.
"It doesn't feel the same, does it?"
Fluixon snapped his gaze to Saparata's, this time he didn't argue.
"Yeah."
"Can.. we talk?"
Fluixon poked at his food — he had a resigned expression, "Sure, let's… eat first."
Saparata hummed in response as he shoved more of his food down his throat. The mood was more calmer, this time. Fluixon and Saparata quietly did the dishes then sat down at the couch, beside each other.
"… I don't think this is working anymore," Saparata murmured, grasping Fluixon's hand.
You realized it too, no? Those words were left unsaid.
Saparata realized it too, even before this. But he ignored it, he ignored it in the hopes of everything getting better soon. He hoped that maybe one of them would change, either one of them so they could stop hurting.
He kissed the inside of Flux's palm who looked at him with teary eyes.
"You… you're correct," He silently admitted, "I'm sorry it was selfish of me to—"
"No, no, it's—" Saparata cut him off, "It's not your fault, no it isn't."
"Why'd you stay?" Saparata asked.
"I don't know, I just wanted something to change. I still love you but, it's clear that love isn't enough is it?" Saparata heard Fluixon's voice break slightly.
"… so it's over?"
Fluixon slowly nodded as he sobbed, and this time, Saparata wrapped his arms around him. For the last time, he wanted to hold Flux tight before he devolved back into those habits of his. He kissed Fluixon's tears away as the other cried.
Saparata sobbed silently with Fluixon, kissing him on the lips. One more time, he wanted to be greedy. Fluixon kissed back, he doesn't know if it's out of pity or the same greed he felt.
The last time, please, just one more.
Saparata was on the bus — he didn't know where he was going. He packed up his bag after that the break-up and just left the apartment. He wandered aimlessly for a bit until he felt like he wanted to go somewhere.
And that somewhere was the same beach he cherished.
He remembered how Fluixon used to talk about how he loved the serene waves of the beach — the crisp water and the flowing wind. Saparata never liked the beach, but if Flux said he liked it then he liked it too.
That's why he grew to cherish it so much.
He felt calm even after he dismounted the bus then walked off to the shores. Not many people were here today, maybe some here and there but not much. Saparata slowly dragged his shoes across the sandy floor as he walked to the shoreline.
…
Fluixon, if there was another life I'd always choose you!
Saparata stepped one foot into the water.
What am I? Your Pokemon?
Another.
Wow, you just kill all the romantic tension, Flux, come on, humor me.
Another.
Hey, your flirting lines are just sappy.
Another.
That's why they call me Saparata, y'know?
Another.
Euugh.
Another.
Hey, don't be disgusted, c'mon. I love you, Flux, is this how you treat me?
Another.
That's—! You… sly bastard.
Another.
Say it back, Flux! I'm pouring out my heart for you!
Another.
… I love you too. There, are you happy now?
Another.
Oh, I'm very happy, Flux.
The water felt quite cold today.
micro: saps, flux just told me you broke up
micro: where did you go?
micro: saps?
micro: please answer me.
micro: saps, i'm coming to find you