Chapter Text
Sieun sat next to Suho, their shoulders almost brushing against each other as they both stared down on their notebooks, pens in hand, eyes focused.
“Sieun-ah.” Suho's voice rang through the comfortable silence between them. Sieun didn't look up, his pen still moving on the paper with practiced precision.
“I don't know how to answer that question.” He added, his head turning to Sieun, softly watching his every move.
Sieun let out a barely audible exhale, his eyes finally shifting to the page next to his.
“Do you remember the formula?” He asked, his voice flat, indifferent. He glanced up, seeing Suho's mouth corners lift into a smile.
“I taught you yesterday.” Sieun stated, seeing the answer through his expression.
“I couldn't focus.” He answered, his smile growing bigger, eyes still locked with Sieun's.
Sieun blinked a few times, then without a word more looked back on the page. He slid his hand to Suho's notebook, writing down the memorized formula on the bottom of the page, then focused back on his own equations.
“Substitute into the formula.” He muttered, his eyes scanning the next question in front of him.
Suho's gaze lingered for a second longer on him, then on the numbers on the side of his paper. He leaned towards the desk, then did exactly as Sieun said- finally getting the right answer.
“You're so smart, that's why I love you.” He said, his voice in his usual half-teasing tone.
Sieun's pen paused mid-motion, the place just beneath his ribs getting swallowed by a warm feeling that slowly spread throughout his chest. For a moment, the numbers right in front of him stopped making sense, his grip on the pen tightening.
“Stop saying that.” He said, his voice a bit quieter than usually, heartbeat thumping in his ears.
I love you - Words that Suho repeated casually everyday, followed by either a laugh or a smile. Sieun figured that it was a tease, but it wasn't quite as funny as Suho probably thought. It made him feel… weird- His heartbeat quickened up, heat made its way towards his face and ears, body freezing completely. He knew what those words meant, but he didn't understand why he was saying it as if stating the weather. A part of him was annoyed. He knew he did not mean it, and yet those words still came out of his mouth like a practiced routine.
Do people usually talk like that to their friends?
Suho chuckled quietly, his eyes shifting to Sieun, who still refused to look his way.
“Why?” He asked, lightly.
Sieun shifted in his chair, feeling his stare even without looking, the pen held tightly in his palm.
“It's not funny.” His voice came out sharper than he intended, making him tense up even more.
Suho tilted his head slightly, a faint smile still present on his lips. He crossed his arms just below his chest and leaned back on the chair.
“It's not supposed to be.” He said, not even slight hesitation audible.
Sieun froze, heat traveling up his neck and resting uncomfortably on the tips of his ears. He took a deep inhale, but didn't exhale just yet, hoping that the air would calm down his heart. The corner of the page he began unconsciously holding crumbled slightly in his fingers, immediately making him try to regain control, forcefully relaxing the tension in his hands.
“...Just study.” He said, words escaping along his breath.
Suho's eyes flicked between the color of his ears and the crumbled paper that he was now smothering with his thumb, a grin growing on his lips.
“Right. Study.” He leaned back to the desk, but the smile stayed on his face.
The quiet of the house settled around them easily, familiar in a way Sieun had never quite gotten used to, yet somehow kept returning to.
The sun was beginning to set behind the trees, golden rays spilling through the window, its light stretching across the desk and the scattered pages between them. Dust floated lazily in the air, disturbed only by the quiet scratch of pens and the faint murmur of the TV from the living room, where Suho’s grandmother watched peacefully.
The silence stayed, until they heard the door squeal slightly with movement.
“Sorry I didn't knock, I don't have a free hand.” Suho's grandma suddenly came in, hands occupied by two mugs of steaming tea, which she placed carefully on both sides of the desk.
She paused for a moment, a slight smile appearing on her face.
“You two look serious today.” She noted, glancing at the notebooks in front of them.
Sieun and Suho exchanged a quick look, then turned to her.
“Sieun, if he starts slacking off, you tell me” She teased after a moment, the fondness of her voice filling the room with warmth.
Suho snorted lightly, turning to Sieun.
“Hear that? You're in charge now.” He said, a glimpse of playfulness in his voice.
Sieun stared at him, then pushed Suho's notebook closer to him.
“Then rewrite question three, it's wrong.” He said flatly, watching as Suho's smile fell suddenly, taking the notebook in his hands.
Suho's grandma chuckled slightly, then shifted to pat both of their heads, eyes warm as they met Sieun's, who stiffened slightly under the touch.
“Good, someone has to keep him in line.” She said, giving one final smile before retreating to the hallway.
Sieun's eyes stayed on the doorway, the touch still lingering on his hair. He still wasn't used to Suho's house being so… welcoming, filled with care- and he didn't expect the care to be extended to him as well. He didn't even do anything to deserve that, yet he was treated as someone that belonged somewhere- even if that warmth wasn't his to claim.
Suho grabbed his tea, warming up his hands with the hot mug. He stared at the green liquid for a moment, steam hitting his nostrils.
“Grandma likes you.” He stated, making Sieun slowly turn to him.
Sieun's gaze lingered on him for a moment, then his attention went back to the notebook.
“I didn't do anything.” He muttered.
Suho took a sip of the tea, shrugging lightly.
“You stayed.”
Sieun paused for a brief second, his hand twitching slightly around the pen before he forced himself to turn back to the desk and continue writing.
The words pulled memories to the surface- ones that made his chest suddenly feel heavier. Suho lying in the hospital bed, the sharp smell of antiseptic and medicine filling the room. The quiet beeping of the monitor beside him, the only steady proof that he was still alive.
The way he couldn't even enter the room, afraid of the emotions that formed as soon as he saw his pale face. Sitting in the white hallway for hours, just needing to be close enough to know he's safe.
And once Suho woke up- it was even harder. He was happy he did, but that was just the beginning. Seeing him unable to move, thin, barely able to form words without slurring them as he spoke was still keeping him up at night most nights.
He swallowed, trying to push those thoughts away- He was alive now, walking, smiling, and yet the fear still lingered somewhere in his chest.
Suho watched him for a moment before dropping his arms on the desk, cheek resting on the middle part of his forearm.
“Sieun-ah, my brain is frying.” He whined, poking Sieun's elbow with his finger.
Sieun finally got pulled back into the present. He blinked a few times, his eyes focusing back on the notebook.
“Then use the last cell that still works.” He answered, his voice flat.
Suho snorted but kept poking his arm, waiting until Sieun looked at him.
“I bought a new game”
“No.” Sieun answered immediately.
Suho sighed slightly, observing as Sieun stared at the page, pen still in his motionless hand.
He leaned closer, resulting in their elbows brushing against each other. Sieun felt his heart react to the movement. He fought with himself to keep his eyes low, but after a short pause his eyes automatically shifted to Suho's.
“Come on, just one round. Take a break too.” Suho said, his tone softer as their eyes met.
Sieun didn't answer, their eyes staying locked for longer than necessary- but once the realization hit, he exhaled, heart thumping against his chest.
“One round.” He said after a while, finally setting down the pen, then closed his notebook.
Suho grinned in triumph, showing him a heart from his index finger and thumb, making Sieun roll his eyes- but for a brief second, Suho noticed the corners of his mouth twitch upwards.
“My heart beats faster when you smile” Suho casually stated, his gaze lingering on him for a moment, before standing up to turn on the console.
Sieun's smile immediately fell, an unidentified heat traveled to his ears, spreading to his face. It made him feel ridiculous- He was aware Suho was just joking, he always was, and yet he still reacted to it.
“Sieun-ah.”
Sieun didn't turn to him, gripping on his sleeve way too hard. He didn't want to acknowledge the reason why he felt like that- It wasn't something that he could logically explain, which made it even more frustrating.
Suho flopped down on the floor, two controllers already in his hands, his eyes flickering between Sieun and the screen in front of him.
“The game won't play itself” He said, a small smile appearing on his face.
Sieun took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down, then moved the chair back, standing up to move next to Suho.
“...You're so annoying.” He muttered, crossing his legs as he sat down.
Suho exhaled lightly through his nose, then stretched his arm out, one controller hovering over Sieun’s hands.
“I know. Take it.” He said, pointing to the controller in his palm with a nod.
Sieun glanced at him, then at the controller. He grabbed it, their hands brushing from the motion. He noticed, but he didn't react, ignoring the lingering ghost of Suho's fingers against his, his eyes focusing on the screen.
They played for some time. Suho was whining as Sieun kept beating him in game, already memorizing the fight combinations- But he looked relaxed, calm.
Something in Suho made it hard for Sieun to say no- he might try, but eventually he still gave in. Could be the spark in his eyes, could be his barely visible pout when he disagreed, could be the fact that Sieun somewhere had a soft place in his heart, dedicated only to the boy next to him- Which resulted in them not playing one round, but five.
All five, Suho lost.
“You're cheating! There's no way.” He complained, his head falling back on the mattress behind him.
“You just keep pushing two buttons.” Sieun answered, shifting slightly to lean his back against the bed frame.
Suho's head turned in Sieun's direction, his eyes lingering there for long enough to make Sieun notice.
Sieun looked back at him, but Suho's gaze didn't budge. He tilted his head slightly, wondering what was going on inside his head. Suho just took a sharp breath, sitting up straight again, eyes back at the screen.
“Last one? I promise it's last, I'll win this time.” Suho said after a moment, a smile reappearing on his face.
He was thinking about something and he didn't say it out loud- Sieun thought. He wasn't going to ask, but he noticed. He looked at him for a moment, then sighed slightly.
“We'll see.” He turned back to the television, taking the controller in both hands, expression indifferent.
Suho grinned, then pressed play again.
The round finished with a big “Victory!” on the screen and Suho's smile was just as big.
“I won! I'm the best, I told you” He said excitedly, his arms up in the air in triumph, the controller still in his hand.
Sieun glanced at him, a warm feeling spreading in his chest. He wasn't going to say that he missed two moves intentionally, nor that he moved his character closer just so Suho could hit it. He kept it to himself.
“You're so bad at this game.” Suho added, still grinning like a fool.
Sieun exhaled- an almost laugh, but not exactly. That smile was exactly the reason why he let him win.
He put the controller aside, though he didn't stand up yet. He pushed his legs close to his chest, arms crossed and resting on his knees.
I don't want to leave.
The thought rang through Sieun's head- a thing he couldn't quite say, but appeared every time he was in Suho's company.
The sun outside the window already disappeared under the horizon, casting a darkening blue hue on the sky, though the inside of the room still felt warm- this time because of the boy so bright next to Sieun.
Suho stretched his legs out on the floor, leaning back on the mattress behind him with his elbows.
“I’m starving,” he muttered, half to himself.
Without waiting for an answer, he tilted his head toward the kitchen.
“Think grandma saved any of those dumplings for me?”
“You ate three hours ago.” Sieun recalled, actually wondering where Suho kept all that food.
Suho laughed, his head falling slightly to the side.
“Feels like ten hours.” He answered, biting the inside of his cheek- He looked like he was already planning five other things that he could eat.
Sieun looked down on the carpet beneath him. He felt… relaxed, content- He wasn't used to those feelings, and that gave him a sense of unease.
Until the phone in his pocket vibrated with a notification.
He straightened his legs, then reached for his phone. He looked at the screen as it lit up with a message.
From: Mother
Come home. Your father came to visit.
Sieun’s thumb hovered over the screen. He knew he couldn't ignore that, but the thought of seeing their faces, hearing their voices made his chest tighten.
He hesitated before clicking on the notification and answered with a short “Ok”, then clicked send.
He let out a slow breath, tucking the phone back into his pocket.
“Everything okay?” Suho asked, his head still tilted, seeing the immediate tension in Sieun's shoulders.
Sieun sat still for a moment, then forced his body to ease.
“I'm fine.” He answered flatly, but his voice was a bit quieter.
Then he stood up and made his way to the desk, gathering his scattered pages and notebook.
Suho immediately sat straighter on the floor, eyes curiously following Sieun's hands.
“What are you doing?” He asked, a bit of concern audible.
Sieun paused as he put the backpack on the chair, hands still on the zipper.
I don't want to leave.
His mind repeated, but he ignored it and unzipped his backpack, putting the stuff neatly inside.
“Going home. My mom texted.”
Suho’s eyes didn’t leave him even for a moment.
“You really have to go?” His voice was soft, almost careful.
Sieun stared at the books inside his backpack for a moment, then started zipping it up, but slower, as if he wanted to delay his leave.
He doesn't want me to leave either.
That simple sentence made something in his chest feel… full. Achingly full.
“...Yeah.” He answered, already putting the backpack on his back, hand lingering on the strap.
“Ugh, fine. Leave me stranded, sad and lonely.” He said, voice sulky, eyes flickering to Sieun like he was hoping for a change of heart. A barely visible pout formed, hands crossing on his chest.
Sieun stared at him, blinking a few times.
“You're so dramatic.” He stated, though his voice felt softer.
Sieun’s eyes flickered to the not-so-subtle pout, the faint dip of Suho’s shoulders, and a heat crept up his chest that he couldn’t name.
“...You'll see me tomorrow at school.” He said, gaze down on the boy that now curled up in a ball.
Suho groaned, hiding his face in his knees.
“That's not enough.” He whined, dramatically flopping to the side, resulting in him now laying on the floor, still holding his knees close to his chest.
“You're a child.” Sieun stated, but when the answer didn't come, he looked away with a sigh.
“...I'll come home with you tomorrow.” He added, his voice a bit quieter.
Suho immediately perked up, eyes on Sieun.
“And stay? Longer?” He asked, his gaze hopeful.
Sieun looked back at him, fighting with himself not to smile, then nodded once.
Suho sat up straight and gave him a beaming grin.
“Deal.”
Sieun watched him for a moment, then made his way to the door.
“Bye, love you!” Suho yelled as Sieun disappeared behind the wall.
Sieun stopped in the hallway as he was about to put on his shoes, one hand on the wall and gaze on the floor. He inhaled deeply, closed his eyes for a second and tried to ignore the flutter beneath his ribs, but what he couldn't brush off was the heat appearing in the tips of his ears.
“Oh my, he's affectionate isn't he?” Suho's grandma chuckled slightly from the couch, eyes now on Sieun.
“Yeah…” He answered, his voice barely above a whisper, but Suho's grandma heard, and a small knowing smile appeared on her lips.
He forced himself to straighten his posture, the hand slowly sliding down the wall as he slipped on his shoes.
He heard movement just behind him, making him turn towards Halmeoni, who was leaning against the wall with her arms crossed on her chest, but as soon as their eyes met, his gaze fell to the floor again.
“You're special to him” She whispered, enough for Sieun to hear and for Suho to stay clueless in the room next to them.
Sieun's grip on the strap tightened, feeling the warmth travel to his face.
“He smiles more with you around. I think you do too.” She said, watching him closer than Sieun would want her to.
“Take care, okay?” She said, her hands traveling to fix the hood of his hoodie softly, making Sieun freeze completely.
When she moved away, a warm smile found its way on her lips.
He bowed slightly, eyes on his feet and a heart that didn't want to cooperate in his chest.
“Thank you. You too.” He said, though his voice came out softer.
She crossed her arms again, watching as Sieun opened the door to leave, but hesitated.
“Come again tomorrow. I'll make your favorite soup.” She said, her voice ringing in Sieun's ears.
Sieun felt a type of relief wash over him, easing a thought that he wasn't fully aware of.
What if I'm intruding?
What if I am a burden?
He turned around one last time, his lips twitching with a slight smile that wanted to form.
“I will.”
He walked to the bus stop, in the meantime taking out his earphones and sticking them in his ears. The warmth hadn't left immediately after he went out the door, it still lingered somewhere in his chest as he waited for the bus.
He didn't know what to think about being wanted somewhere, the entirety of his life was spent on trying to meet expectations that were barely achievable-
And yet, in Suho's home, there were no expectations. He was treated like he belonged, like he was a part of their small yet caring family.
Sieun stared at the gravel underneath his shoes, the wind messing with his hair softly.
It wasn't chilly, but the breeze felt colder against his skin as he remembered where he was going back.
He took out his phone, checking the time.
7:35 PM, bus in five minutes.
He didn't even need to check the schedule, it was carved into his brain by now.
He leaned his shoulder against the glass wall of the bus stop, sighing slightly.
There was nothing playing in his earphones, yet it muted the world around him, which was still moving as always. The cars were speeding definitely faster than the speed limit, birds flying to leave for another country before winter- It reminded him that where he was going was constantly in a hurry, free of any warmth.
He waited patiently, eyes fixated on the road- not because he was excitedly expecting for the bus, but because it felt like a deadline.
He could already hear his father's awkward questions, acting like he knew everything about Sieun, but the truth was-
He knew nothing. He never cared to know.
His mother will probably sit at the table with that same blank expression she always wore, asking why he was never home and whether his grades dropped
Predictable. That's what they are.
He looked above- the sky already turned indigo. Venus high up, bright as always, accompanying the moon that was slowly starting to glow. They seemed so close, and yet so far away. So different- planet and a satellite- yet still glowed first, always together.
Sieun swallowed, looking away quickly. That thought tugged in his chest, but he couldn't quite pinpoint why.
“He smiles more with you around. I think you do too.”
He shook his head as his brain recalled Halmeoni's words, refusing to acknowledge them.
But the feeling stayed, no matter how much he tried to ignore it.
The bus finally arrived with a loud sound of metallic doors opening, but Sieun hesitated, looking in the direction of Suho's house one last time. He sighed, then watched as people left the bus, some with headphones on their heads, some running out.
I don't want to go.
He frowned slightly at the thought, then forced himself to move ahead, ignoring it completely.
He stepped in the bus, looked around, then sat in the free place next to the window. He put the backpack on the seat next to his, just to prevent anyone else sitting there. There weren't a lot of people, but he'd rather get dirty looks than someone brushing against him the whole ride home.
He leaned back, one hand resting on his thigh, the other on top of his backpack, gaze fixated outside the window. He stared at the place he stood at, now empty.
There was no way of hesitating at that point.
His hand subconsciously clenched, but as he noticed, he immediately relaxed it. He couldn't escape his parents, and he was aware, but it still felt like he was going against himself.
He tried to brush it off by thinking that he's always against what he wants anyway, but that didn't ease him.
It just made the sting in his heart deeper.
The bus started moving, first slow, then sped up as it drove through the city. Sieun looked as the buildings passed by, the teenagers walked with their friends, laughing at something together, homeless cats rummaged through the trash behind restaurants, and a small, reassuring thought formed-
The world is still spinning, I'll see him tomorrow anyway.
He paused, his gaze suddenly turning to the hand on his thigh, now playing with the brim of his sleeve. He didn't understand why he suddenly popped up in his head, and why it felt… comforting. That it's not just a one time thing, that he will see him tomorrow, the day after and more. Not in a hospital room, but in his own house, at school, awake, aware and laughing as always.
Suho's face appeared in his head, smiling like he just won an Olympic award, but it was just a win in a game, on top of that one that he let him.
He remembered how his eyes turned into crescent moons, how his cheeks lifted up, showing a full on grin. A real one, like it was just meant for Sieun.
His heart fluttered beneath his ribs, and he didn't even realize when his own mouth corners lifted up. He tried to stop it, but it was already too late.
I think I need to go to the doctor.
When the bus arrived at his stop, he grabbed his backpack and stood up, walking behind people that lined up in a queue to leave.
The wind hit his face again, but his gaze stayed on his moving feet, his pace suddenly slower, delaying his walk home.
He passed by the familiar trees, benches, people from the neighborhood, but he'd rather stare at his sneakers, under the pavement that he also already memorized. Every crack, every unfinished part missing a tile, every hole- the very ones he noticed every time he took that path.
Everything was predictable. Even the walk home.
He walked inside the building, the smell of newly, unused furniture immediately hitting his nostrils. As usual.
He walked into the empty elevator and pressed the fifth floor, his body was moving, but his thoughts somehow wandered to how here, everything was predictable, far from chaos. Calm, quiet. Walls white, sterile, almost reminding him of the hospital that he spent a year in, waiting for a response he wasn't sure he would ever get.
He stopped at his floor, walking towards his mom's apartment, but as he was in front of the door, his body paused.
He heard talking behind them, familiar, expected ones, and that made something in him freeze.
He took a deep breath, then put his hand on the metal knob, but instead of twisting it immediately, it lingered for a moment.
He opened the door, the voices immediately stopping. He was met with silence, but not the nice type of silence- the one that makes you tense up, like a deer in the car lights, already knowing it's going to get hit.
He walked in, then took off his shoes, his moves slow, but deliberately so. The atmosphere felt cold, even if the house was warm, trying to fake a place it isn't.
He heard a mug getting placed on the table in the living room, a slight sigh and a shift on the couch, but he kept his eyes down, walking towards the noises.
“Where were you?” Was the first question that left his mother's mouth, just as he anticipated.
He looked up, gripping the strap of his backpack way tighter than necessary.
His mother was sitting on the couch, legs crossed on top of each other, eyes fixated on the turned off TV.
Beside her sat his dad, half dozing off, but still looking his way, face turning in a slight smile as they caught eye contact.
“...At Suho's place.” He answered after a while, his voice quiet as if scared to disturb the silence that already felt dangerous.
“Your friend right? Ah, I remember him.” His father said, grabbing the mug from the table and taking a sip from his coffee.
Sieun didn't answer, just let out a short hum of acknowledgement.
His fingers found the sleeve again, gripping it in his palm.
“You have your own house. No need to go there every day.” Sieun's mother said, her voice calm yet sharp.
Sieun's shoulders tensed up, he wanted to say something, but couldn't. A lump in his throat formed, making it harder to speak than it already was.
His dad's eyes flickered from his mom to him, then he let out a barely audible sigh.
“...Is he okay? Your friend.”
Sieun swallowed, trying to get rid of the feeling, but it was harder than he thought. He nodded once.
“Better.” He said, his voice coming out a bit hoarse.
But Suho was more than better.
He was Suho again, the one he met in first grade of high-school, the one that made him smile, even laugh sometimes-
Yet he couldn't say that, because what for?
They wouldn't care anyway.
“I'm glad. Come sit.” His father said, already making place for Sieun on the couch.
Sieun stared, motionless.
Because why?
Why does he want to spend time now, when it's too late for his “bonding”?
“Why?” He asked finally, quietly, but firmly. His eyes were not leaving his dad, whose smile slowly fell.
Both of his parents looked at him, as if surprised by the question- because Sieun knew,
They couldn't answer.
The silence stretched uncomfortably, for a time that felt longer than it actually was. Sieun stood there, still waiting for an answer even though he knew it wouldn't come.
But he could wait. He had a lot of experience with waiting.
His parents shifted in their places. His father opened his mouth once, but no words left, continuing the almost deafening quiet.
The lights buzzed with electricity above them, the cars drove by just outside the slightly parted window- Sieun could even hear his own heartbeat at some point, beating faster than usual.
Until finally, his mother let out a sigh.
“...Why do you have to be like that?” She asked, her fingers finding their way on her temple, rubbing circles as she closed her eyes.
Sieun focused on her immediately, mouth opened slightly to ask, but closed as soon. He already knew.
“That”, meant disappointing, imperfect. Definitely not how they wanted him to turn out.
And he was aware. He always was, but he still tried. He wanted them to be happy, proud- but that never came.
His gaze dropped down, both of his hands fell to his sides.
Something stung in his chest- It felt like a thousand little needles stabbing him in one place, but he didn't let it be visible.
He looked back up, meeting his father's eyes again.
“...I'm doing fine at school. My friends are fine. I am fine. I'm not getting into fights.” He said finally, his voice hurt his throat as he spoke, but he kept the same, usual, flat tone.
His father stared, his mouth slightly agape. Sieun noticed something in his eyes, something that he knew well, and lived with it whole life.
Guilt.
He inhaled deeply, then bowed respectfully.
“I'll go study now.” He said, already turning to go to his room, but stopped right in front of his door.
“...And I'm sorry.”
He didn't dare looking at their faces again, he was afraid of what he would see, so instead, he calmly walked inside his room and closed the door behind him with a soft click.
Be responsible, be efficient, behave.
Rules that he learned throughout his entire life.
Was that still not enough?
He looked down on the clean, grey planks beneath his feet.
Why does it still hurt, even if I predicted it?
The apartment was quiet again, the silence carved into walls like paint.
He exhaled, blinked a few times, turned on the lights and made his way to his desk.
He dropped the backpack right by his legs, sat in his chair then leaned down to unzip it with his moves almost automatic, practiced.
He grabbed his notebook, then his pencil case and placed them neatly in front of him.
But he hesitated before opening it, his gaze lingering on his name precisely written on a white sticker in the middle of the cover.
Then his phone buzzed.
Thrice.
He sighed slightly, then reached to the pocket in his jeans and grabbed his phone. He put his elbows on the desk, the screen in his hand lighting up as soon as he tapped on the screen.
He clicked the first notification.
From: Suho
Did you get home safe?
Grandma made kimchi
Then, a photo of Suho sticking his tongue out, a bowl of kimchi in his hand.
He stared at the photo, definitely longer than necessary.
And suddenly, the discomfort in his chest shifted, just slightly, to this fluttering feeling again.
He paused for a moment, then sent a quick “Yes.” back. His fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment, then added, “You look stupid.”
He put the phone screen up next to his notebook, but didn't turn it off.
He turned to his notes again, then his hands shifted to open it on a clear page. He unzipped his pencil case, grabbed the first pen that was on top and started writing with careful strokes on the bottom of the paper, just what he wished he could text instead of the last message.
You're dumb, but you make me feel better.
He stared at the sentence, heat suddenly traveling across his neck, then ears. He quickly scribbled it out, as if the words showed more than he'd like to document anywhere.
His eyes lingered on the scribbles for a moment, his forehead leaning on his palm.
Then another buzz.
He glanced over at his phone, a new message appearing along with three dots still dancing in the corner.
Suho:
WOW rude???
Then another one.
I'm sending that to the group chat to show your real face.
He closed his eyes for a moment, then a huge round of notifications came. He sighed slightly, but his lips twitched for a split of a second.
He grabbed the phone after a moment, preparing for the chaos he was about to witness, then changed the contact to their friends group chat.
Suho sent a screenshot of what Sieun said, then:
Suho:
LOOK.
You all think he's so nice and all, but then he calls me stupid out of nowhere.
Baku:
NICE TO WHO?!
Gotak:
LMAO
He explained you real quick
Sieun is a boss
Juntae:
You do look stupid
Hide that tongue, you're disgusting
He let out through his nose, then began texting back.
Sieun:
I never called you stupid.
You look stupid.
He sent, already seeing bubbles of them texting.
Suho:
THAT'S EVEN WORSE????
I'M HANDSOME
At least my grandma says so, so it's true.
He covered his eyes with his hand for a moment, actually amused with his stupidity, then another wave of messages came.
Baku:
Only your grandma?
YOU ARE COOKED…
Gotak:
I'd drop dead if someone said I look stupid
Yet alone YEON SIEUN
Juntae:
I think you just got a compliment
Just in a Sieun way
He sighed slightly, but not in an annoyed way- Just slightly amused. He started typing back to answer, but got interrupted.
Two knocks on his door.
Sieun suddenly tensed up again, the grip on his phone tightening in his hand. He turned it off, then put it aside.
He shifted his arm to cover the scribbles on the page in front of him, then waited, heart thumping in his ears.
He felt like he was caught doing something bad.
The door opened with a quiet creak, then his father appeared in the frame.
They looked at each other for a moment, then his father sighed slightly, gaze shifting to the notebook in front of him.
“...Let's talk.” He said, and Sieun immediately stiffened.
Talk about what? There's nothing to talk about.
He wanted to say, but instead he nodded slowly, unsurely.
His father moved to the bed, flopping down on the closest edge of the mattress.
Sieun took the silent opportunity to close his notebook, then turn to him.
He wasn't curious in what he had to say, not really. It wasn't going to be anything he hasn't heard before.
His father hesitated before opening his mouth to speak, hands on both sides, laying on the freshly washed sheets.
“I know I haven't been there for you.” He started, eyes somewhere on the floor.
Sieun blinked, face unfazed.
He has heard that too. It was followed by-
“But I want to be. I hope you know that.” He said, and Sieun still didn't move, eyes on him.
Exactly.
He just accepted it. He accepted that they don't care, so what was the deal? They never cared, so he didn't need to hear that.
“Okay.” He answered flatly. No big emotion behind it, just… indifference.
Mr. Yeon sighed, eyes drifting back to his son.
“I did a bad job. As a father.” He said, shifting in his seat. Sieun didn't answer, because he agreed, but couldn't say it out loud.
“Am I allowed… to try to fix it?” He asked, something like shame visible on his face.
Sieun looked away, his chest feeling heavier.
“That's not my decision.” He said after a while.
His own father, asking if he was allowed to become better.
That was new, and kind of… pathetic.
He couldn't fix what was already broken before he realized, but could do something to not make it break further. Sieun didn't want to give “permission”. He wanted him to think for himself. Try.
“...Yeah. You're right.” His dad said, his shoulders slumping slightly.
The silence fell once again, Sieun staring at his hands which played with the brim of his sleeve and his father staring somewhere ahead of him.
Then a thought appeared, intruded.
I want him to leave. I want to be alone.
It wasn't that he didn't want his father to change, but that seemed… uncomfortable. His parents neglected him, and they have to live with the consequences, because it formed him as a person. He wasn't going to change, smile more, talk more, just because his father got better. He's not that type of person, and he never will be.
He won't suddenly start playing basketball, start talking with girls, or act like every other teenager.
The only thing that would change would be the way he saw him, because he wouldn't just see a parent who failed, he would see a parent that failed but tried.
His father exhaled, as if he forgot to breathe for a moment.
“...Let's eat out sometime. In two weeks, when I'm back from the trip.” He said softly, then stood up finally.
Sieun didn't answer, he just gave a small nod, not really wanting to speak.
He watched as his father made his way to the door, then turned one last time.
“Take a break. Goodnight.” He said with a slight smile, then disappeared behind the door with a click.
Sieun stared at the place he vanished from, something uncomfortable, bitter forming in his chest again.
How was he supposed to take a break, if no one ever taught him?
He sighed slightly, turning to the notebook again.
Then, another notification came, just singular.
He grabbed the phone again, immediately going to Suho's contact.
Suho:
Don't study all night, go to sleep!!!
He stared at the message for a moment, then put his phone away.
He grabbed the notebook and pencil case, put it back in his backpack, then stood up and walked over to the closet, grabbing a pair of gray sweatpants and a plain white shirt.
He stared at the door for a moment, wondering if he should shower now- but decided to do it in the morning, not having enough energy to talk to his mother again.
He quickly changed into more comfortable clothes, then grabbed his phone and turned on the lamp next to his bed instead of the big lights.
He slipped under the covers, gaze at the ceiling. He felt tired, but he wasn't sure if he could sleep. Something lingered in his chest, like a faint ache that didn't want to leave. He didn't like talking to his parents, nothing about it felt comfortable. It felt forced, like if they tried enough they could all forget each other's existence, but still clung onto the fact that they shared DNA to keep it together.
Sometimes, he was glad they weren't home. Maybe if things were different, he would miss them- but they weren't, and all that was left was quiet acceptance and scars that were permanent.
When his mom was at work and didn't come back, the house felt less alone than when she was present. He didn't see his father almost at all, just when he remembered he had a child. But he was used to that, to everything.
Used to their absence,
Used to his mother's disappointment,
Used to his father's guilt,
Used to not being enough.
But sometimes, he forgot about not being enough.
Suho, their friends, even Halmeoni, they made him forget.
But that house only reminded him, in every shape and form, that he will never be. No matter how much he tried to forget, to dull it down. The fact is still there.
Undeniable and painfully real.