Work Text:
Ilya, I can't do it anymore. I know, I said it too many times, to you, to myself.
My head is too loud. My head is telling me all the stupid things nobody wants to hear, especially not you, Ilya. It hurts.
I know you can't love me. I know you don't. Ilya, I am drowning in that noise, and I keep pretending you are there to save me and catch me. I know you won't.
Every time you touch me, it gets a little bit quieter, bearable until you let go. Until you forget to text me back. Until you look at me and ask me to stay. Until you fuck me and make the noise subside for a while. Until you come in my hands and it's the closest I've been to being loved and to being seen. Until, Ilya, you call me Shane because we both can't shut the fuck up.
Until, Rozanov, I realise I want all of it so I can't have any less. I have to go, sorry. I'm so sorry.