Work Text:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
The yellow roses wilted in the flower vase. The faint noise of utensils scraping against each other filled the house. It once used to be a home. For two souls that breathed peace and shared love.
Phum arrived after work. Crazy shifts. Choosing to be his own boss, he built a start up from the ground. Years of hard work paid off. He shuffled around and settled his stuff around the living room.
The silence around the house, once a soothing calm, now was a constant source of anxiety. Phum knew. Peem was falling out of love. He tried to hold it together. He is still trying. The ground hasn't swallowed their love yet.
Hugging Peem always was a source of comfort. Phum pulled Peem into a hug. He saw the stiff demeanor. A bullet to the heart would hurt less.
Phum moved closer. Maybe if he hugged him so close, his love would flow through and Peem maybe would start loving him back again? Logic isn't something he was looking for. Not anymore. Phum took notice of Peem not moving an inch. Trying his best not to cry. Month’s of this, took away the energy he had to fend their love.
"How was your day love?" Voice as steady as it can get. Phum asked. He still didn't let go of Peem. What if he vanishes? His palm holding Peem with all it's might. As close as possible.
Phum felt a touch on his waist. Will he now hug me back? A flicker of hope. Peem pushed Phum a little. A tiny gap that felt like the seven oceans was in between them. "It went fine. Come on, let's have dinner." Another short answer from Peem. Please God, I don’t want to lose him. Phum prayed.
Was the prayer of any use?
Dinner went in silence. All of a sudden, Phum just felt like the little child who couldn’t push any food down, when his parents fought. Childhood was enough.
Phum didn’t want to stay in a marriage where everything was suffocating. Sure, he loved Peem with all his being, but he also knew that staying would break them both beyond repair. And Peem would always be too guilt-ridden to say anything. He could not bring a child into the marriage that was starting to look eerily similar to that of his parents.
People stay, out of guilt.
The hardest decision he ever made in this lifetime. To end the marriage. The road less taken. This was going to be the hardest conversation of his life. No fight with his dad would ever compare to this.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
The tears were pooling around his eyes. They burned his eyes, they stung.
Phum sat on the edge of the couch. All his being, now just small and fragile.
“Peem! Can we talk?” Peem finally stepped out of the kitchen and took a seat beside Phum, but not close. They once used to lay bare in each other’s arms in the same space.
"Thank you!" Phum finally said.
"For what?" Peem asked, confused, noting
"For loving me once." Phum answered.
Peem went still. Of course Phum knew. Of course Phum realised Peem wasn’t reciprocating the feelings anymore. Of course, this is the end of it all.
Peem moved closer. Phum took Peem's hands on his own. To thank him.
"It was absolute heaven to watch you fall in love with me. Truly, the best thing that could have ever happened to me. And I am so glad that it did happen. But, heaven forbid, I would not even wish upon my worst enemy, to just sit here and see you fall out of love.”
Is it even anyone’s fault? Peem just fell out of love. It just happened. That's the law of the universe, isn’t it? Some are here to stay. Some here to accompany you. Some leave.
"I am just unfortunate. I just fell in love with someone who has to leave. And wasn't designed to stay."
"I'm sorry." That's all Peem managed to say. Voice cracking, hands finally holding Phum’s again.
"I know. I know that you are sorry. I know that you didn't mean to fall out of love. And that's the fucking worst part of it all Peem. I know with every single being of mine that you didn't mean to." Voice raising a bit.
Anger.
But anger at whom? At what? Could he even ever be angry at Peem. The man who held him through panic attacks. The man who drew him special flowers for every valentine, anniversary and birthday. The man who has always remembered to water Phum's plants even when he himself forgot. The man who always arranged Phum's plushies with utmost devotion.
How can Phum even bring himself to be angry at Peem?
"I hate the fact that I know that you loved me with all of your heart and did every single thing with dedication. I hate it. I hate it so much. I wish it was easy to just hate you. Be angry at you. But I can't." Phum kept talking. He probably would never be able to talk to Peem again, showing this vulnerability. Ever again. Afterall, Peem was his safe space.
Phum kept going.
"But, I am so grateful to have found you. I built so much, thanks to you. I don't think I would have anything with me today if it wasn't for you. You truly are the best thing that could happen to anyone. And I am the luckiest man alive, because you chose to love me."
The confessions of love. The words sounded so eerily similar to those of what he said at the altar to Peem. Finally declaring their love out and proud to the world. Phum let himself imagine that he was saying all this at the altar.
But alas.
He could now only hold Peem's hand one last time. Tears in both their eyes.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
"Peem?"
"Mmm?" He could not trust his own voice.
"Please always, always know that I loved you. Never once in the past decade of me getting to know every being of yours did I stop loving you. Always know that you have a home in my heart. And I very much know that you loved me till the very last moment you could. And I know that you were sincere. I will never ever doubt that. Know this."
Phum and his reassurance. Even when his own heart is now shattered into a million pieces that would take forever to build back. Even when he knows that he probably would never find a few too many pieces because Peem would always carry it with him.
Peem could only sob harder than he already was. Receiving Phum's love was the best thing for him as well.
Phum loved him like it was breathing. The man who always rushed to bring Peem's canvas inside the house when it started to drizzle. The man who always drove Peem to art stores whenever he needed any supplies. The man who learned the difference between various brushes so that he can buy them for his lover. The man who made space in his house to hang up his lover's most cherished works.
Peem received all this love with grace.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
They once shared love, but now they share no future.
“Phum.” Peem called out to his husband. There was no response. His head hung low. Rejection? Disappointment? Anger? Despair? Maybe, all at once!
“Phum! Please look at me.” Peem took Phum’s face in his own hands and turned his face around.
Bloodshot eyes. That wasn’t a look that Peem had ever seen in the past decade.
“I am sorry!” Phum gave a small nod, he acknowledged the truth in Peem’s words. Peem was actually sorry for how everything turned out. But that doesn’t mean it hurts less.
“I don’t know when it all happened, I don’t think I ever wanted this to happen, Phum. I am sorry. I am out of words, I don't know what to say. But I know that nothing I say will ever provide any comfort. I am so sorry.” Peem’s voice cracked with hiccups.
“I will never ever hate you. And I have never hated you for even a moment. Please know that! Hmm?” Peem tried his best to provide reassurance.
Of course that didn’t work. He can’t pick up all the broken pieces of Phum’s heart and glue them back together. If his heart allowed him to do that, he would have without a second thought.
But, he couldn’t. Not anymore.
For now, or for the last time ever, he can only wipe away the tears that kept falling from those puppy eyes.
“Can I kiss you, Peem?” The voice that sounded so feeble. Barely audible.
For the first time in their entire relationship, one of them had asked for a kiss. From their first kiss that they shared under the fireworks, to now, neither of them ever had to ask. The other just knew.
Peem’s heart broke. This is what they have become. He didn’t hesitate. He held Phum, the way he held him when they shared their first kiss. Oh, he was a teenager in love back then. Life pulled them apart. Phum’s lips are the softest thing he ever held. Nothing could ever come close. Hands cradling the other’s face.
Phum was a lot more hesitant, he knew that he would probably have to wait a lifetime to ever like this again. Pouring out every ounce of love he has for Peem was his only intent. Pulling Peem close, hands resting on his waist. Oh, how much he would miss the taste of this love.
Eyes closed, he tried to search for the love Peem might hold for him. The candle of hope, finally gave out.
A kiss to the cheeks, a kiss to the eyes, a kiss to the forehead, a peck on his nose. A final peck on Peem’s lips.
“I love you so much, Peem!”
Phum walked over to the bedroom, not waiting for any response. Finally not looking back. Finally with no hope. Finally knowing that he would never ever be able to hold Peem ever again and Peem will never hold him again.
Life happens. People move in different directions. When you are at cross roads, you have to walk in either one of them.
The other remains as the road not taken.