Chapter Text
r/advice 10/13/2015
u/BravePaladin
My best friend from childhood is getting married and I think I’m jealous?
So I’m not really sure what I’m doing here, but I need advice and this seemed like a good place. My (44M) childhood best friend (44M) is getting married in March of next year to his finance (45M). I was surprised to receive an invitation to his wedding because we haven’t spoken to each other much since we all left for college back in ‘89.
The problem is that I’m not sure if I want to go. It’s not because it’s two guys, that doesn’t bother me. Instead, I think it’s because I don’t want my friend getting married?
For a bit of context, we grew up together in a small town in Indiana and were part of the same party for the majority of our childhood. My best friend- let's call him The Sorcerer- had a hard time growing up, for reasons I won't go into here, but I always tried to be there for him. We always had a stronger bond with each other than the other members of our party. Not that I didn’t care for the other members, but we just clicked. The best thing I’ve ever done was become his friend.
But as we got older, our friendship became strained, especially when I started dating my girlfriend, who happened to be his sister and is no longer with us. Let's call her The Mage.
I loved The Mage and I loved my time with her, even though it was short. She made me feel normal, like I was doing something right. We had our ups and downs, but I always cared for her.
The Sorcerer didn’t like that I was dating The Mage, and I didn’t know why. She was great. I mean, she wasn’t The Sorcerer, but we still had a bond as well. I thought that maybe it was because she was a girl, and we had a huge fight over this.
Then in ‘87, The Sorcerer came out as gay. There were always rumors that he was gay, but we were all teased as kids since we were all huge nerds. I don’t care that he’s gay and I’m very proud of him for coming out. When he came out, he said that he had a crush on someone, someone who couldn’t love him back. That part made me feel weird, and now after all these years, I think that I selfishly wanted it to be me. But I’m pretty sure that it was on the town heartthrob, who would babysit us sometimes.
After he came out, I made sure to reassure him that we were still friends, and not just friends, but best friends. By this point, our friendship had been through a lot, but our bond was still strong, or at least it felt that way.
Then The Mage died and we all graduated from high school and went our separate ways. I stayed in our small town while he went out to college in New York. We would talk sometimes, but haven’t actually seen each other in a very long time.
About two weeks ago, I received a wedding invitation in the mail from The Sorcerer and his fiance. I think they’ve been dating for a long while, but haven’t been able to get married until now, since it's been illegal.
When I got the invitation, I felt strange. Like, all of a sudden, all of the memories from childhood came flooding back, all of the hardships we went through, all of the times I cared for him.
It didn’t feel right for him to be marrying this random person he met in New York, because how could that person know The Sorcerer better than I do?
I think maybe I’m jealous, but how can I be when I only like The Sorcerer as a friend? I mean, I think we’re still friends, but we used to be best friends. I’m not gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m not.
I want to go to his wedding to show that I still care about him, but I also don’t want to go because I don’t want him marrying this rando. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!
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NeoNexus34:
| Well, like you said, it sounds like you’re jealous of your friend and his fiance. I | know you said that you’re not gay, but it does sound like you have a bit of a crush on him. Growing up gay in the 80s was rough, especially in a small town like you said. It's possible that you're experiencing internalized homophobia, or at least repressing something.
|
— — BravePaladin:
| I mean, I was always closer with The Sorcerer than our other friends. They | told me that I have something called “The Sorcerer Voice”, but I just wanted him to feel safe. I don't think I'm repressing anything. I think I would know if I were gay.
|
— — Disorganized0_0Food:
| It definitely sounds like OP has a crush on his friend. I mean “We always had a stronger bond with each other than the other members of our party" and "The best thing I've ever done was become his friend" are pretty romantic.
|
— — Hypernova01-2:
| What OP is going through sounds similar to something that happened to me. I grew up gay in the 80s, and had a crush on my childhood best friend, but I didn't realize that it was a crush until we were adults. I convinced myself that I wasn't gay, but I am, and that's ok.
| |
| — — BravePaladin:
| I know that being gay is okay, and like I said, I have nothing against | my friend being gay.
| |
| — — Hypernova01-2:
| I didn’t say you did. I’m just saying that I know what you’re going through.
|
— — Hereforchaos-:
Oh, OP is absolutely repressing something
_VenusWatermelon_:
| “My best friend, let's call him The Sorcerer, had a hard time growing up, for reasons I won't go into here, but I always tried to be there for him."
|“There were always rumors that he was gay, but we were all teased as kids since were were all huge nerds."
| so u said that u wont go into the reasons why ur friend had a hard time growing up, but then later said that he was teased for being gay?
|
— — BravePaladin:
Yes, he was teased for being gay, but there were other things that happened to him that I won’t go into because it’s not my story to tell.
youremomssocks:
| “The Sorcerer didn’t like that I was dating The Mage, and I didn’t know why.”
| probably because she’s his sister lmao
|
— — 7Flyingtomatoes7:
I came to comment this same thing lol
gopher-user567:
|What happened between ‘87 and ‘89? That’s a pretty large gap.
|
— — BravePaladin:
| We mostly just went to school.
|
— — gopher-user567:
Just school?
Pasta_Sauce_Pan000:
| Was it possible that the crush The Sorcerer had was on you OP? I know that you said that it was probably on the town heartthrob, but signs kinda point to it being you. Maybe the reason why he didn't like you dating his sister was because sue he was jealous?
|
— — BravePaladin:
I mean, maybe. But I think I would have known if he had a crush on me.
Raven_B1rd:
| May I ask what the age difference was between you and The Sorcerer’s sister?
|
— — BravePaladin:
| | They were twins
| |
| — — Raven_B1rd::
| | Identical?
| |
| — — BravePaladin:
| | No, but they looked similar enough that they could be mistaken for that.
| |
| — — Raven_B1rd::
| So you were dating the female version of your friend?
|
— — original0meganester:
I was going to ask this, how similar did the sister look to OPs friend? Was it possible that OP had a crush on his friend, but was too scared to voice it, so he started dating his sister?
noturaverageusername:
| OP, you absolutely have a crush on your friend. I would go further and say that | you’re actually in love with him. The tight bond, The Sorcerer voice, all of this reads as very gay.
| It sounds like your friend also had a crush on you, so I recommend that you tell him how you feel. If you are still in love with him after all this time, maybe he is too. The worst he could do is say no.
|
— — BravePaladin:
| It’s possible that I’m jealous, but I wouldn’t say that I’m in love with him.
|
— — Ocean0ats_9:
why can’t two dudes just be friends? why is everyone so insistent that OP and the sorcerer are gay? not everyone is gay, this is the problem with the internet
|
— — Lettucebefriends:
Maybe it's because everything OP is describing is romantic?
|
— — Ocean0ats_9:
OP says he’s not gay then he’s not gay end of story
The_Triangl3:
You should totally go to the wedding, and then when they ask if anyone object, you stand up and shout I DO and sweep The Sorserer off his feet and ride off into the sunset together.
12countdown21:
| What’s a party?
|
— — KnightBrightHeart:
| It’s a DnD term
|
— — totallyaw3s0mes0cks!:
A group of losers
KitCatToe:
| “She made me feel normal, like I was doing something right” May I ask what about The Mage made you feel normal? Was it the fact that she was a girl?
|
— — BravePaladin:
I’m not sure. It could be. Girls didn’t really notice me growing up. I remember one of my friends saying that the reason I liked The Mage was because she was a girl that wasn’t grossed out by me. Maybe yeah, I just wanted to be normal and dating a girl was normal.
|
— — KitCatToe:
| What about you wasn’t normal?
| |
| — — Brave Paladin:
| Mostly the fact that I played DnD. Girls didn’t like that in the 80s.
|
— — 1Posterboi-1:
I remember what it was like wanting to be normal. Is your family Republican? You could have subconsciously hidden parts of yourself to try and make your family more accepting of you.
|
— — BravePaladin:
Yes, my family is Republican. My dad didn’t like gay people. When The Sorcerer was kidnapped, he told me that this is what happens to people like him.
|
— — 1Posterboi-1:
Kidnapped?
123flameing321:
| No, don’t go to the wedding. Do not endorse homosexual marriage. It is a sin and against the will of God.
|
— — (ilikepotatoes):
No its not
|
— — 123flameing321:
comment had been deleted
JupiterisStupider:
I feel like these comments are missing the point. OP wants to know if he’s jealous of his friend. Yes, he is. He is absolutely jealous. OP should tell his friend how he feels.
SubtEXtlover:
| OP, you have said several times that you’re not gay. Maybe you’re not, but it seems like you're bisexual at least. Have you ever felt this way for anyone else?
|
— — BravePaladin:
Well, now that I’m thinking about it, our DM in high school made me nervous. I wanted him to like me, but I also think I wanted to be like him. I don’t think that makes sense.
|
— — SubtEXtlover:
Could have been a puppy crush.
|
— — BravePaladin:
I guess, maybe.
crazy8__8:
| This timeline is a little confusing. How old were you when you met The Sorcerer? When did you start dating his sister? What happened after she died? Do you know the last time you two spoke?
|
— — userhunt890921:
none of that is relevant, OP can keep as much of his life as private as he would like
|
— — crazy8__8:
Answering these questions will help understand the problem better.
F3atheredBrained:
| Is there anything that The Sorcerer’s fiance has done that makes you not like him? Otherwise, it just reads like a jealous ex.
|
— — BravePaladin:
I met him once and he seemed normal. I just think that The Sorcerer can do better.
|
— — F3atheredBrained:
And that “better” is you?
|
— — BravePaladin:
I mean, yeah I guess.
|
— — F3atheredBrained:
So you would marry this man?
t0porb0ttom:
Not OP fighting for his life against the gay allegations XD