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It isn't common practice to host funerals. It was even rarer for people to be asked to give a speech to honour the dead; back in the Society, the dead just passed on and were considered people of the past, they moved on. So it wasn't that much of a surprise that Shad didn't give one.
But that wasn't the reason why he didn't take up that offer. Of course not, he wouldn't just honour the practices of a borderline cult that he risked his life just to get out of.
It was because of the man who he had to give a speech about, the recently deceased. His childhood best friend, Kristopher. It was pretty obvious to ask the man who knew Kris ever since to say something about him. It'd be reliable, and give a sense of nostalgia. And at first, Shad did want to participate due to these reasons – he really did try. But there were two problems, two thoughts, that just stopped him entirely.
His initial thought? It was that Kristopher wasn't as good as a person as they're making him out to be; he of course, he didn't mean to be how he was before, he still was the way he was. He still let such incidents slip past — he was complicit.
Of course, Shad knew that that was partially because of the environment he was in. He was being taught and influenced by the same influences that said that being your own person is.. unrewarding at best, so he never became his own person.
And that would be his second reason.
That he was never his own person. And even if he was starting to be, just forming his identity, that would be it; him starting, its unfinished. And comparing that to the majority of his life, the one where he barely felt like it was acceptable — let alone safe — for him to just be would be way past a cause for concern.
For all of that time. For all of those terms, all of that time. And perhaps not knowing, but inferring that it started right when they both met. It was.. horrible to say the least — only knowing so much about someone he considered close.
He did try, even after having those "revelations." Shad did try to push those ideas to the side, they were distracting after all, but the more he tried to ignore them, the more it stuck. It wasn't just emotionally, but it was in his stomach, in his throat. That tightness that downing liquids wouldn't soothe, one that hot water bottles couldn't ease.
And so he didn't. Of course, it would've been a nice thing to do, but he couldn't.
And so, he declined.