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It starts this time the way it ended last time: with a love letter. After a rocky first semester of Senior year, Kitty returns to K.I.S.S. in January with a renewed sense of calm. She knows where she’s going to school next year, all is finally right with her friend group, and things are even steady with Min Ho for the first time in a while. Her dad liked him well enough, and bringing him back home over the break went off without a hitch. It was almost too easy.
She expected to be more worried about the future, in which she is going to be moving to New York City next Fall, and Min Ho will be staying behind in Seoul to work in the music industry. But oddly, she doesn’t feel the same intense panic and desperation about their relationship as she did last semester. Maybe it’s having a plan for her future, or maybe it’s how calm and uneventful their winter break was together, but she’s comfortable with the uncertainty of whether things will work out for them after they graduate.
When she gets back to campus, she parts ways with Min Ho and goes straight for her suite. Yuri’s things are already there, her suitcase laying open beside her bed and one of her jackets draped over her desk chair. Yuri got back the earliest, but she’s currently out right now doing something for her internship. Kitty will see her later when she gets back, for the first time in weeks.
Kitty thinks about Yuri heading off to her internship for the day, and it is only then that she realizes that she still has Yuri’s T card. Min Ho gave it to her to give to Yuri after he used it to go find her before she left for break, and she’s kept it in her wallet ever since. Yuri got a new one over break, but Kitty still wants to make sure the old one finds its way back to her.
She doesn’t want it to get lost, so she decides to leave it in Yuri’s desk drawer. She opens the drawer, and her eyes immediately go to a bright pink envelope in the center of it that’s marked Kitty.
And, well… Kitty has been trying to be less of a snoop these days, in the spirit of being an adult now. But then again, her past snooping did lead to LJ and Peter getting together, and it indirectly led to LJ getting a book deal. Plus, the envelope is marked with her name, and—upon turning it around—she sees that it’s not even sealed.
Yes, Kitty shouldn’t be snooping, especially on her best friend. But she also can’t help herself, especially when she pulls out the cardstock inside and notices yesterday’s date at the top.
Dear Kitty,
I’m sure it won’t surprise you to learn that I’ve never written one of these before. I don’t even know how. So, okay, here goes: it seemed like your letter helped you get over me, so I guess the hope of this one is that it will help me get over you. I don’t even know why I’m writing this like I’m speaking to you, because I’m never actually going to give you this, but a lot of the time, my thoughts are directed like I’m speaking to you, anyways. I think it just comes naturally to me at this point.
I will always regret how I handled things between us last spring. I was so sure that my relationship with Juliana was it for me, that I didn’t leave any room for anything else. But you just caught me by surprise and changed my life. You told me once that you thought you knew everything about love until you met me. I never felt like I knew much about love, but what little I did was completely turned on its head when I met you. And a part of me knew that for a long time, even as I spent even longer fighting it.
I did some thinking last summer, and I faced the fact that our kiss wasn’t a mistake or an impulsive thing. It made perfect sense, and it felt like what everything before that had been building up to, even though I didn’t let myself realize that for a long time. Kitty, you’re my best friend. You’re my favorite person. You bring so much light to my life. I know that it’s too late for us, and that it’s my fault. I also know that you’re happy with Min Ho, and I’m happy for you, or at least I want to be.
Which brings me to my two confessions: 1) I’m in love with you, if you haven’t figured that out by now. I have been for a long time, and I probably will be forever, or at least it feels that way now. It’s why I couldn’t get back together with Juliana at the end of last semester, and it’s why I kissed you last spring. It’s also why I’ve been hiding my second secret: 2) I found out today that I’m a finalist for a scholarship to Parson’s. A full ride, thanks to the attention from the contest, and, of course, thanks to you. My life is so much better than it was a year-and-a-half ago, because of you.
I know you’re surprised that I didn’t tell you about Parson’s. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not sure if I’ll get the scholarship, or because I’m not sure if I’ll even go if I do. If I’m being really honest, it’s a little too easy for me to picture what a life together for the two of us after graduation could have looked like if I hadn’t messed everything up. You at NYU, me at Parson’s, the two of us living together in a little apartment, cooking crappy meals and doing homework together until the middle of the night. We could still do that, as friends. I just have to get over you first. Maybe that’s what this is about.
Well, I guess that’s it. There’s so much more that I want to say to you, and even that I need to say to you, but I’m running out of cardstock, and it’s not like I’m ever going to let you read this, anyways. I’m sorry for how I treated you last year. I’m sorry for even writing this, and for selfishly wishing I could give it to you, even though I know I never can. I guess I just want you to know that it was all real. It still is, for me.
Maybe Lara Jean was onto something, and this will finally be the thing that helps me let go of it.
With all my love,
XO,
Your best friend,
Yuri
Kitty doesn’t realize she’s crying until the words on the page become too blurry for her to read. A teardrop rolls down her face and onto the cardstock, blurring one of the words. Blurring love, the crossed-out one that Yuri almost signed it off with. Kitty is faintly aware that her phone is ringing, so she checks it to see that it’s Min Ho, and she picks up.
“Hey,” Kitty says, trying to keep it together.
“Covey, are you crying?” he asks her. And in that moment, she feels a faint prickle of irritation. She was once endeared to his habit of always calling her by her last name, but right now, it annoys her. When was the last time he even called her Kitty? She isn’t sure.
“Just my sinuses,” she says quickly. “You know, adjusting after the plane ride.”
“Yeah, sure,” he says. “I noticed that your eyes were red and puffy earlier.” He’s joking, she thinks, but his joking insult doesn’t come off as cute to her this time. This, too, annoys her.
“Right,” she says, and then she finds that she can’t think of anything else to say to him. Is this, too, how it’s always been with the two of them? Is this why she’s not scared of letting go of their relationship after they graduate, because there’s a part of her that’s always known that it wasn’t meant to last, and that doesn’t even want it to last?
She knows she should be grateful. Min Ho is a great boyfriend, mostly. But right now, she finds herself looking for reasons to break up with him. She finds herself resenting him for not being Yuri.
“So, dinner later?” he says.
“Yeah, sure.”
And then he hangs up, and once again, she’s alone with the letter. The love letter that Yuri wrote to her, but that she never meant for her to read, and that is now stained with one of Kitty’s teardrops in what will be a dead giveaway when Yuri sees it. If she sees it. Maybe she’ll just decide not to open it up ever again, and Kitty will never get caught.
But then what happens? The idea of just going back to normal after this, pretending she never read the letter, it feels unbearable. She can’t just go back to dating Min Ho and acting like she knows nothing in front of Yuri, and just waiting for Yuri to tell her about Parson’s herself. She needs to do something; but she doesn’t know what. She just knows that she won’t be able to see Yuri right now without bringing up the letter, and that it wouldn’t be fair to either Yuri or Min Ho to bring up the letter to Yuri without figuring out how she feels about it first.
So Kitty tucks the letter back into its envelope, slips it into Yuri’s desk, then ultimately just leaves Yuri’s T card on top of her desk. And then she goes for a walk.
*
Kitty spends maybe an hour walking around outside, and then she goes straight to the guys’ suite to find Min Ho. He’s the only one there at the moment, even though she knows that everyone is back already except for Dae, who comes back tomorrow. Min Ho is currently typing into his phone.
“Hey, you’re early,” Min Ho says. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you that’s almost as rude as showing up late?” He’s joking again, and she knows that. But still, it bothers her, even though she also knows that this sudden switch-up is unfair to him.
“I need to talk to you,” she blurts out.
“Is it urgent? I’m doing some work to prepare for my meeting with SOS911 in the morning.”
“Oh, right, of course,” Kitty says. “Yeah, no, it’s not urgent at all. It’s all good. It’s nothing.”
But Min Ho knows her well enough to know that something is wrong. After all, before he was her boyfriend, he was her friend.
“Covey, what’s wrong?” he says, turning off his phone and putting it down.
Kitty doesn’t know where to start. She would never betray Yuri’s confidence by telling him about the letter—or rather, betray her confidence even more than she did by reading it in the first place when it wasn’t actually meant for her eyes. And as she looks at him then, with his kind (if a little distracted) expression, she realized that she has to break up with him.
Kitty always believed that Yuri stayed with Juliana after their kiss simply because she wanted to. That the kiss hadn’t meant very much to her, or otherwise, she would’ve immediately broken up with her and pursued things with Kitty. But after reading the letter, and now looking at Min Ho standing in front of her, Kitty finally gets it. It’s very hard to end a solid relationship with someone who loves you, and who you once loved and even still do, just not quite in the way that you feel like you should.
She’s tried so hard to make things work with Min Ho. She’s put in the effort and actively chosen him every step of the way since last May. It was like that with Dae too, and with Praveena, but never with Yuri. She never chose to have feelings for Yuri, or wanted to have feelings for Yuri. Falling for Yuri was just that: like getting the ground pulled out from under her and just plummeting downward. With everyone else, it had been a voluntary jump.
“I have to end this,” she says softly, trying not to cry. It would be selfish to cry now, when she’s the one hurting Min Ho.
“Not for another five months,” he says gently. That surprises her, his awareness that this thing between them can’t last, not when she goes off to New York and he stays here.
“I know, but I have to end it now. I’m so sorry, Min Ho. You’ve been so wonderful to me.”
She is expecting him to be angry and hurt like last time, like he was when he broke up with her, but he just looks confused.
“Why? What happened? Things were so good over break.”
“They were,” she says, which is true, mostly.
Break was good, and it was easy, but it also made it clear to her that their relationship had an expiration date. She couldn’t picture them staying together when they went off to college, or even after that, when one of them could move to be with the other by then. Break was nice, but their relationship only worked at K.I.S.S. When they were out of this bubble, it felt almost right, but not quite. Not really.
“Then what happened?”
“When I picture my future in New York, I can’t picture us together,” she says.
He’s quiet for a moment.
“When I picture my future in Seoul after K.I.S.S., I can’t picture us together, either,” he says. “But that doesn’t mean we won’t be or can’t be. Things are good now, and then when graduation comes, we can figure it out then.”
And he’s probably right; that is probably what they would have done, if she hadn’t read Yuri’s letter. Except now she has, and she can’t wait for the end of the semester to end things. She needs to go talk to Yuri immediately, which means she needs to end this immediately.
“It’s more than that,” she says quietly. “When I picture my future in New York, I’m not alone.”
His face goes still, and he just flinches ever-so-slightly.
“I was afraid that this would happen, but I told myself I was just reading into it,” he says.
“What do you mean?”
“When we first talked about staying in Seoul together next year, I knew you wanted to go to NYU, and I knew it would be selfish to ask you to stay, but I still did. And I watched you try to get excited about it, to try to convince yourself that staying in Seoul was a good idea. You couldn’t fully come around to the idea when it meant staying with me, or even staying with your family here. You didn’t really start to embrace the idea until you remembered that Yuri would be here, too.”
“Min Ho,” she says quietly, apologetically.
“It’s Yuri, right?” he says, voice pained. “Does she know?”
“No,” Kitty says. “I only just realized. And I know that my timing is awful, and I hate that I’m hurting you. I’m so sorry, Min Ho.”
Min Ho drags a hand along the side of his face.
“I know,” he says. “I’m not mad at you. I think I’ve always known that this was a possibility. I’ve never seen you look at me, or Dae, or Praveena, or anyone the way you look at her. Even after we started dating, and even back when she hurt you and everything was still raw.”
“If I’d known that I still felt this way, I would’ve done things differently,” she says. “But I want you to know that our relationship was real. You’re so important to me.”
“Was real,” he repeats softly.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize,” he says with a humorless laugh. “I need some time, but I’ll be okay. And we can stay friends. Just go do what you have to do, yeah?”
She gives him a tight hug then, and she’s relieved when he hugs her back.
“You’re wonderful,” she tells him.
“I know,” he says.
*
Yuri is sitting at her desk and drawing in a notebook when Kitty gets back to the suite, but she abruptly stops as soon as she realizes that Kitty is there. Her face lights up, and she drops her notebook and pencil, running over to Kitty to pull her into a hug.
“Kitty! You’re here!” Yuri says, holding her tightly.
Kitty feels her eyes prick with tears as she wraps her arms around Yuri and breaths in her perfume, a mix of floral and vanilla scents. A lock of Yuri’s hair brushes the side of her cheek. And as she holds Yuri, every doubt and regret that she’s had in the half hour since breaking up with Min Ho vanishes.
Of course it’s Yuri. Of course it has always been Yuri, and can only be Yuri. She never meant to fall for Yuri, and she never tried to hold onto her feelings for her. In fact, the timing was always awful, and each time, she tried not to love Yuri, but she couldn’t. It’s just a part of who she is now, as fundamental as anything else about her. She has two sisters, and she can’t see without either glasses or contacts, and she loves Yuri Han.
“Hi, Yuri,” Kitty says, grinning at her as they pull back from the hug. It’s just so easy, when she’s not holding it in. It’s so easy to love her.
“What’re you smiling about?” Yuri says. “Don’t tell me that’s about being back at school.”
“No, although my classes are growing on me,” Kitty says.
“That’s just rose-colored glasses,” Yuri says. “From what I’ve been told, everything about this place starts to feel magical in your last semester.”
“It’s always been magical to me,” Kitty says. “It’s where I learned about my mom, and where I learned about myself, and where I met you.”
Yuri smiles at her, but there’s something held back there in her expression. Her smiles have been like that with Kitty for a while now, and Kitty is surprised to realize that she’s failed to notice this each time until now.
“And everyone else,” Yuri says. “And Min Ho.”
Her face tightens when she says his name. How long has it been like this, and for how long did Kitty miss every signal that Yuri actually felt this way about her? At least for a good chunk of last semester.
“Well, we actually just broke up,” Kitty says.
“Oh, no, Kitty, are you okay? What happened?” Yuri says immediately, her eyes wide and concerned.
Kitty feels a sharp pain in her chest. Even now, even after what she wrote yesterday, Yuri is prioritizing Kitty’s feelings above all else. Like she’s been doing for a very long time, and like she did all last semester when Kitty needed her the most.
“Yeah,” Kitty says. “I mean, I feel bad, but I think we’re going to be able to be friends again when he’s ready. I mean, I hope so. It was my decision.”
They wind up sitting on Yuri’s bed together.
“Is it because of next year?” Yuri asks.
“Yes and no,” Kitty says. “I think we both have known for a while that this would have to end when we graduate, but today, I realized it needed to end a little earlier.”
Yuri is quiet then, fidgeting with her hands. It’s a nervous habit that she doesn’t do often. She’s nervous right now. The realization makes Kitty’s stomach do a flip.
“Did something happen?”
“Not with Min Ho,” Kitty says. Yuri looks up from her hands.
“No?”
And this is it, Kitty supposes, for better or for worse. How do you tell your best friend that you snooped around in her desk and found a love letter written to you, dated yesterday, that you read all the way through, prompting you to then immediately break up with your boyfriend?
“I brought back your T card,” Kitty says. “I know you have another one now, but I wanted to make sure you got this one back and that you knew where it was, so I was going to put it in your desk drawer.”
Yuri’s head snaps up.
“Kitty,” she starts, and then abruptly stops.
“I found the letter,” Kitty says. “And I know I shouldn’t have read it, and I’m sorry, but I did. Are you mad at me?”
Yuri stares at her, frozen in panic. It’s a rare look for her, Yuri who has always been so good at putting on a polished front, even after her entire world fell apart and she had to build it back up by herself.
“No, of course not,” Yuri says. “If anything, you’re the one who should be mad at me.”
“For what?” Kitty blurts out, a delighted laugh bursting out of her. “For only saying everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from you for the last year, and more? For keeping it to yourself and suffering in silence because you thought I was happy in my relationship, and for never even planning for me to read it?”
Yuri’s face shifts into something like surprise, with a familiar gleam in her eye that Kitty immediately recognizes. There she is. That’s her Yuri.
“You didn’t hate it?” Yuri whispers. Kitty laughs again, scooting closer to her.
“I definitely didn’t hate it,” Kitty said. “But I think I’d rather you said it to my face.”
This gets a laugh out of Yuri. Kitty loves the sound. She thinks it might just be her very favorite sound in the entire world.
“Oh, wow,” Yuri says. “So you’re really not going to make this easy for me.”
“Nope,” Kitty says pleasantly.
Yuri shifts to the side to face Kitty, and then tentatively reaches out to take Kitty’s hands in hers. Kitty weaves her fingers through Yuri’s and squeezes them.
“Kitty,” Yuri says, “You’re my very best friend, and I want us to always be best friends. But I’m also in love with you, and I have been for a while. For a long time, I pushed it down so deeply that I didn’t even realize it, and then I did, and I still held it in. And then that didn’t work for me, so I put it on paper.”
“It was beautiful, Yuri,” Kitty says. “The letter.”
“Well, I don’t know about that, but it was definitely cathartic for me to write. I should’ve known better than to keep it in my desk drawer, though.”
“Well, I, for one, am glad you did,” Kitty says.
Yuri strokes her thumbs along the outsides of Kitty’s hands.
“Wait, is that why you broke up with Min Ho?” Yuri asks.
“Yeah,” Kitty says. “Min Ho is great, and he’s been a wonderful boyfriend to me, but I’m kind of in love with my best friend.”
A beaming smile takes over Yuri’s entire face.
“I thought I ruined it for good, Kitty. I was so awful to you last year,” Yuri says. Kitty just shakes her head.
“Timing has never been on our side, but I think our luck is turning around. And I’ve got a good feeling about the scholarship application of a certain Parson’s finalist.”
“I forgot that I put that in there,” Yuri says. “I was scared to tell you, because any time I pictured a future where we were both at school in New York together…”
When Yuri trails off, Kitty bumps her knee with her own.
“It was absolutely amazing, and a dream come true?” Kitty teases. Yuri laughs.
“Well, that,” she says. “But it was always as, well, more than friends. Every time.”
“I can picture that, too,” Kitty says. “In fact, now, that’s the only future I can picture for myself in New York. Do you think you’ll go if you get in?”
“Yes,” Yuri says immediately. “Of course. But I haven’t wanted to get my hopes up. About Parson’s, or about you.”
“Well, my hopes are up enough for the both of us,” Kitty says. Yuri beams back at her.
And then Kitty leans forward, pressing her forehead against Yuri’s. Yuri hitches her breath.
“So, is that it? Was that speech all you had planned?” Kitty teases. “You’re not going to kiss me?”
Yuri laughs, and her cheeks redden.
“Give me a break here,” she says. “There was no plan. I’m still not entirely sure that this is really happening. It feels too perfect to be true.”
Kitty lets go of Yuri’s hands and cups her face. Then, Kitty leans in and kisses her. Yuri immediately kisses her back, bringing one hand to Kitty’s hair and the other to her shoulder as she deepens the kiss.
When the kiss reaches a natural stopping point, Kitty pulls back and says, “See? Definitely really happening.”
And then Yuri laughs and kisses her again. And for the first time in a while, Kitty lets herself feel invested in the future again. She lets herself get excited about it. Moving from one city to another, her and Yuri, just as it should be.