Chapter Text
I could never tell if my lies were believable. They just seemed to fall from my lips before my mind could reach out and stop them. Every lie I told was gradually peeling away the truth that I desperately needed to stay invisible. Every piece of work, dedication to keep everyone safe, would crumble in seconds if my lies were too idiotic. This kind of magic needed to be solved on its own, not with anyone else. My problems have always been my problems. I can do it on my own, all those headaches, Diary's annoying shit in my ear, and my notebook flying were incidents that happened alone. Dragging anyone into this would be a whole new world of trouble that I am not ready to handle.
Yet, in moments as lonely as these, sometimes I wished I could have reached my hand out for help. Even just a simple call could have maybe saved me from this disaster that I created. These moments go by quickly because every time I actually went out of my way and asked for help, it has never worked. No one believed me during Exer's bullying, and when I wrote the letter to Eli, it failed. Again. It wasn't his fault; the blame fell onto my shoulders.
Now, I'm stuck in this place of nothingness. The void was a close-mouthed space that didn’t have an exit door. A state of vacancy didn’t sound horrible; it meant I could get away from Diary and his nonsense. The area sparkled with small white sparks, but otherwise it was just an unilluminated grey space.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I groaned, shoving my head into my hands.
Exer is going to be tortured by Dairy, David has the misfortune of being able to view the magic, Elijah hates Exer even more and had his memory wiped, and all of my friends have to watch it all happen. Why did I have to be so stupid? Maybe if I had kept my thoughts to myself, hadn't written that letter, or just told anyone beforehand, none of this would have happened. I want to be with my friends again, to watch those cheap horror movies at a sleepover, Ken speaking happily about his puppets, or... anything, honestly.
If I stay around moping like a depressed idiot, then everything I’ve constructed will fall apart. It's way too soon to have everything just fail and perish. Slowly, my hands fall to my sides again as my feet push myself upwards. A faint echo of my feet tapping against the non-existent floor fills my ears. It’s the only sound I have besides my voice.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” It was a foolish question; if someone was here, I would've known already. Yet, I still called out into space, receiving no answer in return. The silence is scary, deathly even. The possibility of going insane within this trap is highly likely.
Hope is not something I expect to feel here, but after all my shouts and cries, something came. A loud whoosh of air that came from God knows what. It was an immense breeze, putting my movements to a halt. A small smile played on my lips as another lighter one passed by. It wasn’t as harsh as the last one.
"Holy-” A third one comes, but instead of passing by me, it passes through my body, through my soul. It pierced through my skin, tearing off the lightest layers of skin, and left me uncomfortably bare. I’m beginning to miss the silence and the actions of nothing because what the actual hell is happening? I didn’t think magic was supposed to be this dangerous! Pain wasn’t a heavy enough description of what I felt throughout my body; the sense of agonising stinging from my arms and legs was stopping my ability to move, to escape this hellhole. But another gush was coming, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
Uprudptly, a stab came through my air, pushing out my blood along with the wind. The aches brought my body to the ground, my knees hitting the floor first before my body toppled.
“P-please.” I choked, but my voice went shrill. Who was I even begging? My lips gradually begin to tremble from the discomfort. Why is this happening to me? I did bad things; however, this is just too far. With all the pain, I could barely notice the tears falling from my eyes, how they puffed out my eyes.
I quickly shut my eyes as I hugged my stomach, doing short breaths in and out. Everything felt too hazy for this to be real. Could this be counted as real or some really realistic dream I had? In fact, I should be dead by now. So why am I not? Just end me already so I don’t have to play these games anymore!
Opening my eyes might be the biggest mistake or miracle of my life. Am I not in the void anymore? Where did all of my injuries go? Back to the void? But the pain disappearing might be the least weirdest part. There are those light brown walls that haunt my dreams, that seem too familiar. I’ve smelt those eggs before, and I’ve sat down at that table a million times before God decided I was his greatest enemy.
“Jackson.” A voice says from above me. This can’t be real. Maybe I was onto something with the entire dream situation because there’s no fucking way that’s my mom. My fucking mother. Right there. The one that passed away all those years ago, the death that altered my life forever.
“Mom?” I paused, my eyes wandering over her. She seemed completely existent, living. I could feel my mouth go dry, and any words were lost through the haze.
Why is she here? Why am I here? Everything seems to be moving, but I’m the one standing still, watching it all pass by me. Chills seem to roll down my trembling body and tense muscles. The magic never seems to leave me alone; this only ever happens to me. My heart pounding is the only sound that I can hear because none of us is talking, speaking, or even whispering!
After watching me for a moment, she finally spoke up. “It’s alright to be scared, Jackie.” Jackie. Is she seriously calling me that after her absence? I should be relieved, but it sounds like she knows what’s going on, and that pisses me off to a great extent.
“W-what? Hold on, do you know what’s going on right now?” I let out a quiet gasp, lifting my head to look at her.
My mom nods in my direction. “Yes, I do, but don’t mind that! I’ve missed you, my boy.” She cooed. “Do you know how long I’ve waited to see you again?”
“Stop,” I say, my eyes automatically blinking the tears away. “I– look, I don’t know what’s going on, and this is scary. Really scary.”
My words seem to have taken her back, like she’s surprised my first reaction is negative and not positive. I want to be happy, to be relieved that I’m here now with her, but there are too many unanswered questions hanging in the air between us. “Scary? What’s scary about this?” My mother tilted her head slightly, confusion mixed with hurt in her voice.
How could she not see anything scary, terrifying, and wrong with this entire thing? I don’t remember my own mom being this dense unless she actually doesn’t know what’s going on. “Ugh, I-, it’s difficult to explain. I got teleported here by the diary and got attacked by some bizarre winds. Now, I've ended up here, where my dead mother is standing in front of me!” I snapped.
My mother’s face fell, and any sign of happiness and comfort was erased. She let out a loud, hurtful sigh before looking away from me and back to the eggs. “That wasn’t how I wanted you to come back to me.” She said softly, almost as if she was talking to herself.
I almost missed the words coming from her mouth, and yet, I wish I had missed them. “What?”
“It’s a long story, Jack. I… I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it.” She added, still staring at her fucking eggs.
“No, no! You don’t get to play that card after being dead for over ten fucking years, ma. Your absence has changed everything, and now that you’re here, you want to– to.. Not talk? I don’t know what happened or what shit you did to do this, but you can’t just purchase the past and ignore everything!” I shouted, my hands crashing onto the kitchen counter while fighting any sadness and tears, again! How many times am I going to cry today?
Since she was hiding her face from me, I couldn’t tell what she was feeling or reacting based on my words. Why did I have to reunite with my mom like this? My own dreams were better for God’s sake.
“I knew your father was going to be the cause of my death when I first married him. He wasn’t an awful man, but he wasn’t a great one either. So as he grew angrier, I went to my sister to cast her magic on your diary.” My mom began, her tone was anxious now. “But, my sister has never been good with her own magic, so I don’t know what was going to happen to you, me, and whoever else is involved.” She paused, rubbing a finger against her temple. “When I died, I came through here. This world isn’t as bad as it looks; it just takes time to get used to. So with nothing else to do, I began to explore the place and figured out that your heart is slightly bound to this book. I don’t even know what that entails, but I got scared when I found out, so I sent your past self or diary self to help. To try to protect you from whatever is hurting you. I can tell, you know?”
Diary should have killed me while he had the chance. I don’t know what to do with this information: it’s too much all at once, and it had to be from my mother, out of all people, to bear the news.
“Uh-huh.” I nodded along slowly. Truthfully, I just don't know what to say to all of this. What do I say... 'Oh golly, that's awesome! Thanks for telling me!' I would rather try to learn how to backflip.
An awkward silence filled the magical room, surrounding the air that filled our lungs. When my mother was six feet under, I wanted to talk to her about anything that happened to me. I used to go to her grave and talk about what I had for breakfast, but now that I’m older, I’ve come to better terms with her death. I still talked to her picture sometimes, but not as much. So why can’t I say anything now? How pathetic can I possibly be?
“Jack.” My mom erupted the quietness. “Do you want the eggs I made?”
"Yeah.” I smiled, and just for a moment, all the pain from the winds, the memories, and the outside were wiped away by my mother's simple scrambled eggs.