Archive of Our Own

Having a partner in the music industry was an interesting experience indeed. You usually got free access to her performances alongside her other band-mates or rapper friends she’s told you all about. You sometimes got free concerts in your shared apartment, albeit you were also able to hear them from the shower, when she was singing all sorts of tunes in her boyish but fiery voice. And sometimes, she’d write songs with you. She’d take out her guitar, get both of you laid on the living room carpet, and then she would talk about her ideas for the song.

Her mind map was honestly surreal. She is the type of person to have spontaneous ideas all the time, and sometimes you’d feel like you can’t keep up with her! But you somehow do, and try your best to help her compose her newest hit. Sometimes she’d just try to do a simple acoustic tune to sing at bars or night shows, and sometimes she’d come with a notebook filled with lyrics to some rap song about “blowing shit up” or “eminem in 2026” like how she’d say it. Despite you not really being in tune with music, you took the time of your day to listen, to help. You loved how passionate she was about her work, about the personas she was putting for different songs - like an actor! You found it surprising how she could take so much pressure, physically and mentally. But you were there for her no matter what. 

All of these good things…And yet, you could not notice that your girlfriend has started to return more and more drained after each show of hers. And most importantly, she always wore the same stage outfit. A jumpsuit, a modified crop top, pants and shoes, that mimicked the appearance of a bloodstained butcher. Of course, her prized red cap made the outfit pop out more, although she wore that usually as an accessory in her day to day life. 

Her…behaviour changed. In the sense that she seemed more distant in conversations, that she didn't come up to you anymore with song ideas, but most weird out of all is that she slept a lot, and needed more physical reassurance. You were happy to give her that, but you were worried that she wasn’t saying any word about what she was feeling. 

Asking her about it yielded as many results as you expect. Which were none at all. You could not brush off the feeling that something was wrong. She was not singing in the shower anymore. Then she’d rather stay at home than go to rehearsals. Then she’d get out the door to get to the venues she was performing at with utter sickness in her strides. 

And the cycle would repeat. Until one evening. She’d return late from her show, very tired and complaining about wanting to sleep. She did not go to the bathroom, or eat, just crashed on the couch. You went to your room to get a blanket to cover her. You fully expected her to have fallen asleep by the time you’d return - she looked that tired. 

But you were surprised to see her on the edge of the couch, looking aimlessly at the red cap she was holding in her hands, rubbing the fabric with her fingers gently…She was thinking of something. You could see that in her zoning out. 

“I’m tired” She said clearly, but with no energy in her voice. It’s like her song died.

You came closer to her, setting the blanket down and positioning yourself next to her on the couch.

“I am so fucking tired man.” She said again, this time with a little bit more anguish in her tone. You couldn’t help but rest your hand on her shoulder, caressing it gently.

“I am so tired of this song, I am so tired of the audience, I am so tired of the grave I dug for myself. And here I thought that this song would have died out after its debut.”

You knew the song she was talking about. It was one she wrote a while ago. You still remember the day like it was yesterday. She came up to you with her big black eyes sparkling with joy. Guitar in one hand, a notebook in the other. She put them on the ground and then quickly opened her phone to show you something on Tik Tok.

“So last night I saw some pretty insane poetry stuff slideshow videos, and they were talking about cannibalism as a form of love. And it kinda makes sense, like you love someone so much you wanna consume them and all. Or like… the whole idea of opening up someone physically as a metaphor for learning more about them because you love ‘em. I dunno, just find it interesting. So I stayed up all night and wrote some kick ass lyrics about it. I don’t really plan to make this into some big hit type deal, but god the inspiration just dawned on me yesterday. And you know I really need to get my ideas out fast or they are gone!”

You listened to her talk away, listening with interest to what she was saying. You were mostly worried about the fact that she stayed up at night again, but that was common with her. You did try to advise her against the repeated use of caffeine and staying up late. But she was passionate and creative. You couldn’t fight against the law of the artist - well, that’s how she called it.

This song idea of hers was interesting. From the obvious "cannibalism used as a metaphor for love” theme - which prompted her to create a very interesting play on words in her lyrics, those being “aortic work of art” - to the emotional intensity of the bridge, built upon the variations in rhythm and variable verse measure. It all seemed…chaotic. Over the place. But it sounded good. The chords fit each other. The words…as macabre and violent they were, did a good job at delivering the whole "metaphorism" thing. 

You felt proud of her for making that song. You felt proud of her in general, after every successful song she’d write. And your pride could only grow larger seeing her build up her own costume, props, and practice that persona she wanted to put - like for every song. Her mind went to just a serial killer who is pretty love struck as the role she’d play. Which fit her song. 

The first time she performed that song was a bright day for her. She came home with such a big smile on her face, in her jumpsuit - telling you all about how a lot of people liked the idea despite it being so taboo and also “done in like 3 motherfucking days” as she’d say. Your lover never expected her song to blow off in popularity. She didn’t expect for her reputation to also blow. At times, when she would come home happy after her show, you could see she was shaking. But you didn’t know why. Happiness? Excitement? Anxiety? She would not tell you anyways.

But you could see. You could see that happiness fade away day by day, the outfit looking more worn, her eyes losing the glisten of creativity they once had. And it all culminated to this point - where she was sitting on the couch, red cap in her hand…Finally admitting to what storm she has been dealing with alone. 

“I’m really fucking tired, man.” She repeated the sentence, this time with more desperation in her tone. You got closer to her, trying to lay a hand on her shoulder to calm her down, but before you could make contact, she hunched down, gripping her hair with one hand, and the cap with the other.

“I’m so fucking tired of singing, I’m so tired of this outfit, I’m so tired of the color red and yellow, I’m so fucking tired of this god forsaken song!” 

She almost screamed, her voice singing a song of agony you have never heard before. Days of anguish were turned into discordant notes, reverberating in your head, causing your stomach to churn in anxiety, and your mind to worry even more. 

“Yi Xi…” You tried to mutter, but she was not responsive to what you said. She just got off the couch and started to pace around the room, cap in hand, and anger radiating from her now sunken face…was it even anger? The furrowing of her eyebrows showed disappointment and fear, rather than anger. 

“This is like the…seventh week in a row, the fourty-ninth day since I first performed that stupid song on stage…And every day since then, I could only perform that song and NOTHING else. Nothing. Everyone just wanted Butcher Vanity. 

She stopped for a second, laughing in disbelief as her hand started shaking. 

“What a stupid fucking title now that I think about it. A vain butcher? What would they even be too prideful for? Who would even want to be this juxtaposition of stupid attributes. Oh right. Me. I fucking did this to myself now. And now they only want to see the vain butcher. Which I am not. No matter how many times I’ve worn this goddamned outfit, swung my prop cleaver around and hung from those meat-hooks at the end, I am not who they perceive me as. “

You could only stand by and listen to the way everything just seeped out. And this was only the start of the frustration she was exuding.

“There have been…Such a great influx of fans. Mostly kids. I didn’t clock their existence…as I was only focusing on performing and was too caught up in it but…What parent in their right fucking find lets their kid attend a rap show? More so when a song about cannibalism is playing…God and I was thankful I was gaining popularity, it made me feel worthy. But then it became…It became-”

She couldn’t find the word, she just put her hand on her chest and neck, squeezing at her soft throat muscles. 

“...Suffocating?” You utter your first word of that night, with hesitation. But you felt like it was right. And you wanted her to stop mimicking choking herself.

“Suffocating. Yeah, you’re right. It just felt like I couldn’t breathe, like there were so many expectations put onto me. At first, everything felt fucking fine you know? I opened with Butcher Vanity and then played something else. Like usual! But then people started leaving after just hearing the first song and that…that…made me think there was something WRONG with ME! Like I was not doing enough for my fans. That I was…letting them down. That my songs were not enough. So I…”

She stopped screaming, her voice becoming mellower and her head stooped low…in embarrassment. It was like she was awaiting some sort of judgement from you. It was like she was admitting to some crime she had committed. A crime of morals, a crime of values and a murder of oneself. 

“So I…played into their desires. I started to perform only that song. Nothing else. Nothing else that I worked harder on. I just did what they wanted me to do. Fans are my source of income, I could…not afford to lose that stability and affect our lives. And so I downed the butcher’s outfit, sang about how I wanted to eat people over and over again, hung from those meat-hooks until my legs were sore every night.”

Yi Xi looked as if something scratched the back of her throat, and she was readying herself to spill out more of her truth - trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to leave her eyes

“I..-I did not feel like me anymore. At times, the only things I knew were the butcher persona, how to make the performance more lively, how to make this easier upon myself…But to no avail, man…It never went easier. With every performance the suffocation kept getting worse and I felt trapped in a fuckin’ ….-meat freezer of their expectations and pressure!”

Yi Xi paused again, her hands dangling beside her body, as if she lost all energy. She had such a guilty look on her face. The light in her eyes was flickering like a lit candle wick at the point of going off, and her hair was such a mess, the strand was not in its place anymore. Her mouth was quivering. Was she…crying?

“And it did not help that…I was not the only one who didn’t see myself anymore. My fans did not either. No. They only saw the butcher. They only saw the persona. I’ve had fans be super fucking weird to me on stage, asking me to murder them or to stalk them. I saw some have tattoos of me - no, my persona - on their arms. I just. I played into the persona for the first few times, acting like a proud deranged serial killer but I know I should not have..But after weeks I’d just ignore it completely. It made me feel disgusted beyond belief. It was scary to see that…in their eyes I was nothing more than one song.”

Yi Xi clutched at her heart, trying to calm down her now shaking voice. 

“I’d guess that…it felt like you were not valued as a person anymore and they could do whatever they wanted with this persona you put on. And because you wanted them to be happy, and for you to flourish…you decided it was best to self-sacrifice.”  You finally say, with a tone opposite to what she expected. You were not judging her. But empathising with her.

You got up from the couch and walked to her, surrounding her softly in a gentle, warm hug. You place your arms under her own, as if telling her that you’re now going to be the one supporting her, holding her weight up, shouldering all of her pain and hardship. She bent her head and rested it in the crook of your neck. She surrounded your form with her arms, and in response, you held on tighter to her - patting her back. 

Yi Xi started to cry softly, feeling the safest she could ever be in that vulnerable moment. 

“It’s…so disheartening. They love me but they also hate me. Some people point at me on the street and call me the “Butcher Vanity girl”...some point at me and ask if I ever ate someone. I started wearing a mask outside…I did not want to be seen…For…what people thought of me. The internet was even more ruthless. I’d be on the shitter and see fucking theories appear over me being an actual serial killer or some bullshit and that just brought in even more weirdos to my shows. I’ve had too many people want to interview me like I was some sick bastard individual they needed to crack open, like they were detectives and-”

She ceased talking, and then Yi Xi started to sob loudly, her scratchy voice filled with anguish and utter sadness. She held on tighter to you, the only person that saw her for what she truly was. Not for the fame she gathered, not for the reputation, not for the persona she put on. Especially not for that song. 

“It’s s-so weird…I have fame ‘cause of this song, I have fans- from the outside anyone would want to be me, to be talked to, to…to… b-but it’s not how it seems, no no…fans wanna sit down and talk to me, yeah, but they do not wanna talk with me..yeah…like you said. I am not fucking treated like a real fucking person…but I feel like if I’ll ask now, I’ll…I’ll…”

“You will get backlash, lose everything, or worse off…be ignored in your request?”

“Y-yeah…I’ll not even be heard out! Probably I’m gonna be told to suck it up 'cause I’m having such a great fucking life and all, full of popularity!!! But it kills me every single day - fuck, they think I murder people but the only tragedy is the murder of my own soul and mind! Alas, it’s a victim they won’t care about. They would not care even if I were an actual murderer. And that, honestly, makes it even fucking worse.”

Yi Xi’s voice echoed with disappointment as she came to that realization. She did not seem sad now, but scared. 

“At this point they just want to turn you into some subject for a true crime show, instead of praising you for your talent. They should know their fucking place.” You chimed in, trying to attune to her pain and…honestly rile her up and try to show she’s not supposed to change for some idiots. 

“You’re right! They should…They should..God this is so fucking dumb! How did I end up like this, I wonder…Man, how the fuck can I even get out of this progressively pathetic and and and- dumber situation?!??” Yi Xi now started to bitterly laugh, thinking of how stupid everything must sound, looking back at her sobs and words from before. But it was not stupid, it was genuine pain and suffering, a loss of self, a death of passion and an alienation of what made her happy. And danger. You kept thinking about what these fans could do to put her in immense danger - just because they saw her as no more than a criminal on live TV or a one time wonder. These thoughts wormed deeper into your head, as you realised how many nights she came from in this state, how she was pestered by people on the street - oh god she was at so much risk and you didn’t even-

“I don’t know…what you can do now. This whole thing, how you're describing it - makes me think of bad stuff. And I don’t like that. I don’t like knowing you’re in danger…I have not even asked you anything about it…It just dawned on me how thankful I should have been that you came home safe every night” You say, worried, that anger from beginning dissipating, being replaced with fear. You grab her tighter in the hug you offered her, your hands going all over her back. “I am so sorry-”

“It’s okay…I had people to take me home…Eri, D-lin, Ritchy, people that we know. …Heh, now that you're saying everything - I realise how unaware I was of my own safety. I just- went to the show, sang, went back home - played into their fantasies but was completely unaware of anything. Of how bad this would be, of what danger it would create…Now I’m just thinking…what if those fans or weirdos actually hurt me worse?...I am going to be sick I’m sorry-”

She leaned back into you, shivering a little bit. The poor girl was scared, rightfully so. You held her tighter, oh, you didn’t want to let her go, you wanted her safe in your arms. Even if she was protected, you still could not bear the thought of something happening to her. You placed your hand in her silky black hair, caressing it gently. You kissed the top of her head softly.

“Is it wrong to say that I never want to sing that song again?”

“No dear, not at all”

“But then what else do I sing? I don’t know what will happen if I do something else. Best case scenario I lose fans, worst case scenario…”

“Up your security, have your friends next to you - fuck, I can come to attend your concerts if you need me to. But just, just make sure people are with you.”

Both of you stopped speaking for a bit, Yi Xi looking down. She appeared so tired in front of you, and only now you noticed the depth of her eye-bags and the discoloring of her lips. You cupped her cheek slowly. It broke your heart to see her worry about her career and safety.

“I guess I can..Yeah…About the fans though. I’m just. Scared I will not be seen as enough in their eyes anymore. The persona won’t be there anymore, and then what? They only come there for the persona, and that gives me money, and a stable life! If I lose everything, then…”

“Those aren’t fans, my dear. Never were. They do not appreciate your talent. They do not appreciate how much work you do to express your feelings and exercise your passion. You have so much creativity and so much potential, one that I’ve seen constantly evolving and shining for the last couple of years - in every time you’d come to me with a new idea, with your colorful and messy notebook and with your wooden acoustic guitar. These people do not see who you truly are, and how beautiful you are. The right people will stick by your side, the right people will give you the chance to shine as the star that you are. The people who appreciate you for who you are will stay and listen to your voice no matter what song you sing. So shine, and whoever gets burnt by your light was never meant to bask in it anyways.”

Yi Xi looked into your eyes, and you could see the light in her own doll like irises slightly return. She seemed to…be convinced by your words. With a new bout of energy, just like a solar flare, she grabbed you so tight and spun you around, thanking you over and over again for the fact that you listened, for the fact that you were there, for the fact that she now feels like a stone was lifted off her flaming heart. She gave you a big, warm and playful kiss, before going to the corner of the living room, picking up her notebook and guitar.

“I…I wanted to. Write a song about all this. But I never had the time. Not with all this stress around. But now I feel like I can write it. Please, help me with it. Help me piece it together and help me be courageous enough to play it” Yi Xi looked at you with a face full of innocence. She looked like a little kitten that just wanted to be pet behind the ears. You gently took her hand and dragged her on the floor, her usual place to show you all her songs. 

That night, neither of you slept. She poured out all of her thoughts in that notebook, then weaved them into lyrics that perfectly encapsulated how she was feeling. Her tears did stain some of the pages, but even from those, she made them into something with meaning. From all her pain, all her stress, she made these into new lyrical beauties. 

She designated the song after the first man: Adam. She said it signified a new beginning. And her perceived fall from grace - how she was stained with sin that she did not commit, how the looks of the people gave her a new meaning that she utterly despised, how alone she was living with said sin - one that painted her in a sickly bright yellow, shade akin to the rays of an unwanted spotlight that was monitoring her every move. 

But nothing could stop her from reclaiming what was her. Reclaiming her happiness, reclaiming her voice, reclaiming her reputation. Yi Xi was going to stand up for herself and show that she will shine brighter than everyone expects, breaking through the shadow of sin casted by the people that surrounded her like hungry wolves. She was not going to perform their sick fantasies anymore. Never again. 

Neither of you realised that the sun was rising. Neither of you were tired. Well, maybe you were a little exhausted, but Yi Xi was not. She was still going strong after this all-nighter. She was fueled by spite, by a desire of justice, by a desire to take her life back. And her determination was something that you admired, loved, and that most of all: inspired you. 

You could not be more proud of her

—---------------------------------------------

She did not rest that day. She wanted to sing now. Yi Xi needed to sing her song today, or else she would not gain it all back. Her statement would not be said. 

You helped her with her practice, and she got the song down pretty quickly. You were very impressed at how fast she learned her own rap part. You forget that she has that fast of a mouth when singing. Well, she talks a lot, you should have expected it. But it is still surprising. She could sing “Rap God” by Eminem as a vocal practice if she wanted to. 

Yi Xi got her suit ready. It was…the same jumpsuit, although she took another cap from the dresser. Made out of black leather. She put it on confidently and went to you.

“I think it’s time to…leave that red cap honestly. I won’t ever bring it to shows anymore. I feel like I tainted it with something. Like its uhhh…d-discoloration from the sun and the memories it holds were attacked. I need to not associate it with this fucking thing anymore. It’s a house cap now. No more show costume bullshit.”

“It feels fair, I do not condemn your decision, Yi Xi”

“Well I know you won’t but…ya know.” Yi Xi looked away from you, with an awkward smile on her face. She grabbed your hands softly and with a big sigh, she followed with a request.

“Please come to the show. I know you're tired and all but, I need you there”

You chuckled, eyes teary from lack of sleep, but you leaned forward and kissed her now more vibrant lips.

“Honey I would not miss this for the world. I want to see you there. I want to see you shine”

Yi Xi blushed at your reply, shifting softly and giggling to herself. You could not help but find her very adorable at that moment. 

—---------------------

You took her to the venue, your hands interlocked every step of the way. You could feel her anxiety, her sharp breathing, but you assured her that everything was going to be okay and to remember what you said last night. She always nodded gently and tried to put on a more brave face. 

You got to the venue - and holy shit there were a lot of people. So many people wearing fanmade merch of her song, so many wearing that damned drooling symbol she hates. The worst part of it all is that so many of them were teens. Like…they all looked fifteen at best??? They looked…like they were scanning for something. Maybe for her. They were screaming and chanting the lyrics of her song like a fucking cursed mantra. And…through those they said some vile shit about your partner. You wanted to throw up. Yi Xi visibly tensed up at the sight. Her face…Just had all its color drained from it. 

“...Yi Xi?”

“...Let’s go to the back entrance. Please.’

You did not question it, and you let her lead you where she knew the back of the venue was. She was quick, and hid her face as much as she could. Damn it, if you could punt those so called “fans” into the ground, you would. 

You both got to the door, and she took you backstage. She was breathing heavily, trying to keep herself calm and collected, but she was visibly stressed. Yi Xi was pacing around, playing with her hair anxiously. 

“Yi Xi… It’s going to be okay. I’ll be there, right behind you. Tell me what I can do, please” You told her gently, trying to grab her hands from her hair and hold them into yours. She was freezing.

“I-...I thought I was ready but what if I’m not? What if I lose everything right now?”

“You won’t. I will still be here. And you can always rebuild. But I assure you that tonight you will be the star I know you are”

“Are…Are you sure?”

You leaned forward and kissed her passionately. You wrapped your arms around her and brought her body closer. She melted into the kiss and you could feel all of her worries gradually melt away. Your palm snaked her way to her chest, pressing upon where her heart would be. God she was so agitated. So afraid. She placed her palm onto yours, as if she wanted you to protect her most inner organs. It was truly intimate. You were reaching into her very soul with that kiss, pulling away all of her terror, breathing courage into her, reigniting her determination.

Your kiss lasted for a while, but then she finally pulled away, her heartbeat - much calmer. She had such a thankful look on her face, bliss coloring her cheeks in a bright red. 

“Thank you…I don’t…have words to express my fucking thanks to you, man” Yi Xi said, wiping a tear that was welling up in her eye.

“Always. I will forever love you for who you are, and I wish others can see what I see in you”

“I love you too…”

You gave her a final kiss, and let her go on stage. She looked beautiful. She looked just like a star. 

You followed behind her, sitting in the back lodge of the stage, to observe her, to protect her. 

You were admittedly worried. For her safety. You hoped you did not have to jump in to hurt someone that would endanger her. But you would do it if it came to it. Your train of thought got interrupted by her voice

“Good evening! Are you guys ready for tonight’s show?”

So many screams were heard, high pitched, child-like chirps hurting your ears. And maybe Yi Xi’s too.

“I had an idea today, for how we should start.”

The chatter slowly died down, being replaced by murmurs of questioning. Suddenly, the voice of a teen rings out.

“BUTCHER VANITY LADY CAN YOU SING THE SONG??”

Many others came after, asking the same question. Christ, this is what she had to deal with for so many nights? You were appalled

Yi Xi tensed up again, trying to brush off her fear.

“Actually, the Butcher Lady isn’t here with us tonight. No no. Yi Xi, is going to sing something different for you guys. Ain’t you guys tired of hearing the same song over and over again?”

More murmurs, some growling in protest, but some seemed agreeing or questioning…It was…like an energy has shifted. And you looked in wonder.

“Right, even if you guys are, even if you aren’t, I will play my new song for you, my fans.”

The band that usually played with her looked at each other. She did not tell them of any new song…But somehow they seemed relieved from where you could see them?

Then she took a breath. A deep breath. She started to sing. No instrumental, it's just from the heart. Just her proper voice. Although you could swear you’d hear a backing track somehow. Slowly, the band just…matched the pitch of her song, the chords. More notes and instruments were added as the song progressed. Completing the song.

Some people stormed off and left. But some stayed. They stayed and listened to her song. In awe. Yi Xi kept singing, closing her eyes to feel her music, walking on stage and gesticulating with her arms to show the passion, to show the disdain, hatred and determination she had. She wanted to be heard out. And she now was. You felt yourself smile, and also tear up. 

Even if so many left, a lot stayed. They stayed to see her shine. And that made you happiest. 

As she finished her song, the clapping of the remaining fans was audible throughout the whole venue. She was waving and cheering with them. Many rushed to the stage, complimenting her, telling her how they are so glad to see her sing something else. So there were other people that wanted another song, but they were not brave enough to say it. The interactions were normal, they were happy to see her happy. And Yi Xi was beaming. From where you were, you could see this aura of radiance bouncing off from her. 

And you felt proud.

As everything calmed down, and people were starting to go home, you didn’t even register her rushing to you and grabbing you from where you were, hugging and thanking you and being all happy and excited like a puppy. 

“I did it! I did it! They…Actually liked it!”

“I was sure they were going to. And hey, you got rid of those fakes anyways”

“That…That I did. And it was not scary. Not scary at all! Yeah! Fuck these fakes!”

She was jubilating and you could only join her in her happiness, spinning her around, kissing her whole face, and just making sure she could feel how proud you were of her, through every embrace, kiss, and laughter both of you shared.

“Finally, I can stop drooling on the pillows from how much I had to mimic it”

“Honestly I didn’t know why all the pillow cases were wet.”

“Fame brings people to do things they wouldn’t usually do” Yi Xi said with a slight tinge of bitter-sweetness

“I guess that's fair to say” You replied, kissing her lips once more, making sure she forever remembers the night she shined brighter than the sun.