Chapter Text
Mafuyu had begun to get used to the warmth that settled in her chest under certain situations: when she watched her friends smile, when K showed her the new songs, or when the weather outside was nice. All quite common situations, moments when it was logical to feel it.
Then, she began to realize that there was something else that made her feel good and that, no matter how much she thought about it, she could not find a valid reason. What reasons could there be for the mere presence of someone to make your chest feel warm? It was strange, even ridiculous.
“Mafuyu?” She recognized that voice behind her. As she turned, it was indeed her, Ena, looking at her with a confused expression. “I didn't expect to see you here.”
“I had to stay for a class representative meeting,” Mafuyu replied, ”Are you going home now, Ena?”
She heard her sigh, crossing both arms over her chest. “I would like that, but Mizuki said she wanted to show me something and asked me to wait here.” That initial annoyance disappeared to once again reveal her patient smile.
Mafuyu nodded. “I see.”
Did not say anything else, nor did she move. She remained there, staring at Ena for long seconds that gradually began to make her uncomfortable. A pair of eyes fixed on her, empty. Her lips tightened and, with her index finger, she pinched the forehead of the taller girl, pursing her lips.
“Do you wanna say something?” Ena had a frown, still watching Mafuyu intently, waiting for a response. “I can't read your mind, you know? So it's easier if you tell me what you think.”
Mafuyu nodded. “Ena, has anyone ever made you feel warm just for existing?” She said it so freely that the older girl almost choked on her own saliva. Mafuyu frowned slightly. “It's nothing...”
The brunette shook her head. “You just caught me off guard, I'll answer you,” Ena stated with a softer voice, as if she were afraid to say something wrong, “Yes, I've experienced that before with— Never mind, have you felt that, Mafuyu?” The look was intense, waiting for a response that would explain the origin of that question.
Again, Mafuyu remained silent for quite a while. That Ena had already felt it meant she was not going crazy, which was good. Although, I still had to understand… Why? His eyes refocused on her after having looked down for several seconds. “Why does that happen?”
Ena bit the tip of her tongue before answering. “When you like someone, I guess.”
That left her in the same place. Like someone... Mafuyu did not even know what it was like to like something. How would she even know how to identify it? Trying to figure it out would be foolish, a waste of time.
Her face probably showed that loss of hope, because Ena's gaze revealed her concern for a few seconds; but she seemed to respect the silence of the girl with purple hair, because she said no more────at least for a while.
Mafuyu did not insist on continuing that conversation either; she did not see the point if it was not going to help her at all. Another waste of time that she was not going to fall for. “Mizuki is coming over here. I'll see you later, Ena.”
A hand held her by the wrist. Ena, with a subtle smile on her face, shook her head. “You can still here for a while, can't you? You have to tell us everything.” That pair of insistent eyes made her realize she had no other option.
The pink-haired girl arrived shortly after, wrapping both arms around Ena's waist, letting her chin rest on her shoulder, peeking out from behind. “Mafuyu! Enanan! What are you doing?”
Ena rolled her eyes, twisted to get out of the grip────she elbowed Mizuki and shook them off. Already separated, she looked at Mizuki, smiling at her. “Mafuyu is going to tell us about her crush.”
“Is Mafuyu in love?” Mizuki's head tilted to the side, and Mafuyu noticed her smile fading to make way for a confused expression.
She shook her head. “I don't know, it's the conclusion Ena has come to.”
“Hey! It's not my fault your description sounds exactly like that.” She exhaled through her nose, sounding more desperate than the situation warranted.
Mizuki let out a laugh while her hand gave a couple of pats on the older one's shoulder. “Calm down, Enanan,” her voice was playful, “Maybe if you tell me more, I can come to a conclusion. Do you want to more talk about it, Mafuyu?”
That sweet look made her feel trapped. Not in a bad way, it was just curious────like being in a cozy house. Mafuyu sighed; resigned to the expectation, simply nodded her head.
Mizuki clapped. “Hehehe.~ Let's go! I have to show you the incredible place that Minori recommended to me a few days ago.” The pinky intertwined her arm with Ena's and began to pull her along. “You both are going to have a lot of fun.”
“Mizuki!” Ena's scolding was ignored by an enthusiastic Mizuki.
Mafuyu just walked behind them.
If someone had told Mafuyu hours ago that she would end up in a karaoke bar listening to Mizuki sing idol songs, she would not have believed it. However, there she was────sitting in silence, still under Ena's insistent gaze since they hadn't yet touched on the important topic.
Mizuki had been able to contain her emotion and forced her to do the same. Not overwhelming Mafuyu, letting her speak in her own time. Although, hypocritically, she was already eager to know more about the supposed crush of the older girl.
The current song ended, a cheer echoed throughout the room before she went to sit next to Mafuyu, leaving Ena to deal with the next choice alone. The presence of the pink-haired girl felt strong, as if she was about to attack────Mafuyu could already predict what she wanted.
Even so, the first thing that came out of his lips was genuine concern. “What did your mom say? Aren't you going to get in trouble for staying?” Her voice was careful, trying not to sound too nosy or reinforce a bad idea about her mother. She knows that Mafuyu loves her too much.
“She said it's fine, I just have to come back early tomorrow to make up for cram school .” Nodded.
Mizuki sighed more relaxed. Her hand rested on the girl's shoulder, offering a small squeeze as her sweet smile returned. “She really trusts Enanan, doesn't she? She's the only one she lets you to be around,” she joked casually, “If only she knew she's a total troublemaker.”
That time, Mafuyu denied it. “It's not about Ena,” explained, “Mom really likes her dad.”
Mizuki nodded, accepting that explanation. She did not pry any further, did not try to pressure her────that was her main difference with Ena: she never tried to force Mafuyu out. “I guess that's a good thing, right? If it's too much, you can go to her.”
Mafuyu did not deny it, but she didn't agree either. Maybe... She had already been at Shinonome's a couple of times, she knew Ena's mother and her brother, being with them was warm.
Warm as Emu.
“Mizuki.” She raised her gaze to focus on the redhead.
She shivered a little but immediately approached her. “What's wrong?”
Mafuyu fell silent for a moment. Her fingers intertwined on her lap, gripping tightly with a force that sought some kind of anchor in reality. Mizuki's question kept echoing in her mind.
“You say Ena's house can be like a refuge, if it's too much I can go with her,” Mafuyu began softly, “and I think that's true. Being there... It feels different from my home. I don't feel my chest tight.”
Ena, who until a second ago was pretending to be very busy selecting a song from the list, stopped moving her finger on the screen. She stood still, listening. She knew that if she turned around abruptly, Mafuyu might shut down again; so she remained with her back to both of them, in silence.
Mafuyu's gaze was fixed on the wall. She placed a hand over her chest, surprised by the way her heart raced even before she could say anything. “I think... I found something else that makes me feel this way.”
Mizuki held her breath. Her lips curved into a tiny, almost imperceptible smile. “An object?” Mizuki asked delicately. Mafuyu shook her head slowly, “A person?” Doesn't got a reaction in response.
“She makes a lot of noise, says things that doesn't make any sense, and jumps from one thing to another without stopping. Sometimes I think she's annoying, but...” Mafuyu paused, and for a second, the emptiness in her eyes seemed to fill with a very faint light as her hand clutched her clothes. “She stays in my thoughts for a long time, and thinking about her is... It feels warm.”
Mizuki felt a shiver of pure excitement, exchanged a quick glance with Ena────who had given in to curiosity and was already looking at them with wide-open eyes────; finally, the important topic was on the table, and it was much deeper than her superficial curiosity had anticipated.
“Wow, Yuki...” Mizuki whispered, using her Nightcord nickname with genuine tenderness. “Does this scare you?”
Mafuyu pondered it.
In her world, anything that was not under control was a cause for alarm. Her mother had taught her, without directly telling her, that unpredictable emotions were weaknesses that hindered her opportunity to unleash her potential. She could not afford it, her mother was not going to let something like that be worth it.
However, she did not want to move away either
Shook her head. “I don't know if it's fear, I just don't understand it.”
Ena could not take it anymore. She dropped the karaoke remote onto the table with a sharp thud and turned around, crossing her arms. Her face was a mix of feigned annoyance and a worry she could not hide. Mizuki tried to speak, but couldn't do so before she did. “It's because you're a fool, Mafuyu!”
Silence.
The gaze of the girl with purple hair did not change, she did not react and just kept looking at her without saying anything, as if she were waiting for a continuation to those words.
Ena sighed. In the end, Mafuyu was looking for an answer that she still had not given yet. "Your problem is trying to analyze it as if it were an exam, you simply like her, what else do you need to understand?"
Mizuki let out a soft giggle. "Enanan is right," he said, patting Mafuyu's shoulder, "What you're describing is what happens when you connect with someone."
Mafuyu looked at Ena, then at Mizuki. She still did not understand, every word that came out of those two left her with more questions────no answers. To like was something big, at least in her eyes.
What did Mafuyu like?
She knew that she did not dislike N25. She felt warm being with them, making music together, and when they went out to one of their celebration parties after a successful release; she also felt it at the club, when she had the chance to not think about anything.
She closed her eyes and tried to imagine her. Emu always appeared in the hallways, smiling, with that pink cardigan that matched her hair. What would she do if she saw her? Probably make some joke that Mafuyu would not understand, and then Emu would leave, claiming that next time she would succeed.
She had said it before, she wanted to see Mafuyu smile genuinely.
Her heart skipped an unexpected beat, and it was then that she opened her eyes. Emu worked very hard to see her happy, almost with the same intensity that Kanade tried to save her. The difference was that Emu did it without having a relationship with her beyond the school one.
Emu…
“I like her.” She nodded, turning back to Ena. Mafuyu noticed her smile immediately as she gently shook her head. “Uh?”
Ena denied again. “Nothing, nothing. I'm just surprised it took you so long to realize.”
Mizuki, on the other hand, looked genuinely happy, as if she were about to burst with whatever filled her chest. “Now, Yuki...” The mischievous smile she put on made her feel nervous. “Who is your special girl? We are friends, you should share this with us.”
“Ootori.”
“Emu!?” Ena's scream made Mafuyu cover her ears, then she nodded. “W-Wow... I didn't expect it to be her.”
Mafuyu tilted her head to the side. “But I've told yoy about her before, you've even seen us together.” The explanation made it sound like Ena was stupid for not having noticed.
She looked at Mizuki for help, but she just nodded, agreeing with Mafuyu. “Yes, it makes sense... You two seem close.” Mafuyu nodded again.
Ena didn't even bother to insist anymore, she just went back for the remote and played the first song she recognized among the options. Soon the music started playing. One that was not to Mafuyu's liking: a vibrant melody that invited people to dance.
Although at that moment it was a secondary problem that she could not focus on. She still had Emu on her mind.
Mizuki remained looking at Mafuyu, with a sweet smile at that news. Knowing that her life was taking on a new shine was enough to feel good for her, happy. They moved even closer to Mafuyu again.
“Hey,” Mizuki said with an upbeat tone, “if you ever want advice on confessing your feelings, I'll be here!”
Even if she wasn't someone with real experience in those matters; a bit hypocritical────could say────when they wasn't facing their own.
Mafuyu glanced at her out of the corner of her eye. “A crush? Is that what it is?”
“It's a way to say it! Don't overthink it.”
Mafuyu nodded almost imperceptibly. “Alright. I'll keep it in mind...”
Mizuki's giggle spread before returned their gaze to the large screen in front of them. Her feet shook a little as she raised both hands to cheer for Ena, which made her miss a note and earned another laugh from her friend.
She kept looking at them, unexpectedly, the corners of her mouth barely lifted. It was brief, sincere. None of them noticed it, but it was there.
If she thot about it and pondered, she could say that she liked being there, surrounded by them and the chaotic energy they emanated. There was a curious warmth in those meetings, one that made her feel safe.
It was similar to what she felt for Emu.
She could feel her heart beating faster than what could be considered normal, and that made her feel strange────not in a bad way.
“C'mon, Yuki.” She felt her hand being pulled by Mizuki to make her stand up and move forward. They only let go of her to choose another song they liked, one that Mafuyu recognized as being from the group Shizuku used to be in. “It's our turn.”
The music was loud but it was the least thing disturbing Mafuyu's eternal calm. Emu, Emu, Emu. She kept spinning in her mind, making the warmth grow and overflow throughout her whole body; a bit intrusive, but not bothersome.
She still has a lot to understand about that feeling.
Later, they were walking toward the station. Mizuki smiled and commented on how fun it was to be with them, and then Ena tried to calm that excitement. It was their usual routine, that dynamic she had gotten used to; her heart responded when she saw them together, she felt good even if the noise wasn't something she specifically liked.
“Yuki, Enanan, we'll talk later!” With a giggle, Mizuki ran into the station to go back home, leaving her alone with Ena.
Her house was no longer that far away.
Mafuyu waved her hand to say goodbye, and beside her, only Ena's response was heard, who resumed her pace shortly after. With the taller girl advancing behind her, not knowing how to break the silence that was growing between them.
Of course, it was the older girl who ended up breaking it, as she looked at her with a fixed gaze. “Mafuyu, are you going to tell Emu how you feel?” The lack of response made her sigh, Ena ran her hand through her own hair. “Look, it's not that I want to pressure you, but maybe doing it will help you understand better what you feel.”
Mafuyu's eyes focused on Ena's face, cold, trying to find some clue by looking at her. However, within that overwhelming emptiness, Ena perceived a glimmer of curiosity; the attention she so longed for from Mafuyu managed to steal a small laugh from her.
“Is it going to be good for me?” A genuine doubt arose from her friend's lips. Ena nodded her head. Almost immediately, Mafuyu imitated the action, then continued speaking. “I'll think about it, thanks Ena.”
“Yes, yes. I just don't want you to regret not saying anything later.”
Ena was always like that: kind in a strange way, as she would always try to cover her concern with indifference. Mafuyu had already learned to get on her nerves, perhaps that was the reason her gaze darkened even more────while revealing a cruel smile for a fraction of a second.
She tilted her head to one side. “The same way you regret for not tell Mizuki how you feel?” She annoyed her, using the same monotonous tone that was so typical of her. She felt a certain satisfaction, which she was unable to acknowledge, upon noticing that Ena was irritated.
She took a breath and turned to look at Mafuyu, with her brow slightly furrowed. “I don't feel anything special for Mizuki.”
Mafuyu just shook her head gently. “I see.” Continued on his way without insisting on the topic at all, which had the opposite effect because Ena growled a little. “What's bothering you now?”
The older sister simply shook her head. “Sometimes you frustrate me, that's all...” She pressed her lips together.
The silence that followed was only interrupted by the rhythmic sound of her footsteps. Ena walked in an aggressive manner, occasionally kicking a stone with unnecessary force, her footsteps pounding the ground, making it impossible to ignore her presence. Mafuyu, on the other hand, maintained a calm demeanor, occasionally her friend would turn to confirm if she was still there────and she was, just with a distant look in her eyes.
Then, she spoke again: “What frustrates you about me, Ena?”
“Huh?” She stopped in her tracks again, turning to look at her with an arched eyebrow. Confused.
Mafuyu nodded slowly, without averting her gaze for even a moment. “You just said that I frustrate you sometimes.” She had stopped too, remained silent for a moment, and her head tilted slightly to one side. “Why?”
Ena froze for a second, with one hand still gripping the handle of her bag. Mafuyu's gaze did not judge, did not attack, simply observed. She was waiting for a response.
Ena ended up letting out a long sigh. “It frustrates me that you are so...” Ena searched for the word. Waving her free hand in the air. “Methodical?”
“I don't understand.”
Ena pressed her scalp with her fingers; indeed, frustrated with Mafuyu. She didn't insist on the topic any longer, her gaze rising to the nite sky, where stars shone brightly. “If you stop chasing your mother's dream, maybe you'll understand.”
As usual, when the topic of her mother was brought up critically, Mafuyu stopped talking. It was like that until they arrived at the Shinonome's house.
Ena patted the pockets of her skirt and then looked into her bag, trying to find her keys────a mission she failed. Finally, a long groan escaped her lips. “I forgot 'em,” she said, “I'm gonna call Akito, wait.”
While Ena tried to contact her brother, Mafuyu sat on the porch. Her gaze remained fixed on a random spot on the ground, attentive to it as if it were the most interesting thing in the place. Despite her serene appearance, Ena's words kept swirling in her head.
Your mother's dream.
It wasn't the first time someone pointed out that Mafuyu was who her mother wanted her to be. Even she knew it. All her functioning was based on meeting expectations, putting aside what she wants.
What does she want?
A pang pierced her chest and made her feel tiny. She placed a hand over her chest and inhaled, trying to dispel the cold that was beginning to grow around her heart.
Ena let out an impatient huff when she saw that Akito wasn't answering the phone. The glow of her mobile screen caught Mafuyu's attention, calming her for a moment. “That idiot must be ignoring me.” Put the phone down with a sharp movement. “Jeez, I didn't want to bother my mom.”
When she least expected it, she was already in Ena's bathroom. She had disconnected from her body, something so common that she no longer even tried to understand; it happened, and that was already her normality. Her hands held a towel, which she squeezed tightly.
Mafuyu tried to remember what happened.
A moment ago────or perhaps an eternity────she was at the entrance. Then, the heat of the kitchen. The voice of Ena's mother. What did she do? She had dinner. She had thanked Ena's mother with her usual politeness. She had gone up the stairs. She had waited for Ena.
Now she was in the bathroom.
Her gaze searched for the nearest mirror. Seeing herself there, she could distinguish the body, which felt foreign, as if it were something that didn't belong to her.
Mafuyu Asahina. The honor student. The daughter who never caused any trouble. The older schoolmate who always helps others. At the same time, she is the sad lyricist of Nightcord at 25:00, someone who needs to be saved.
Much to process, much to understand. Mafuyu let out a slow breath as her hand rested on her reflection.
There were many definitions of who she was, none felt right, just as none felt wrong. Mafuyy was everything and nothing at the same time, as painful as it was. She observed himself with distant curiosity, noticed the way her pupils dilated, the traces of fatigue in her expression, the paleness of her skin, and the dryness of her lips.
Was that what she was? A destroyed girl. An empty shell that barely possessed traces of a personality. Her breathing became slightly labored, but her crisis was once again interrupted by Ena.
“Mafuyu? Are you still there?” The voice was followed by a couple of knocks on the door. She looked in that direction, without responding for the moment. Her mind was still processing the echo of the dinner downstairs. “You've been there for more than ten minutes without making a sound.”
Mafuyu approached the door and gave a small knock in response. “I'm going to start taking a shower now, don't worry.” Her voice sounded flat, regaining that neutrality that protected her, but inside she felt a strange vibration.
The silence that followed was interrupted by Ena's footsteps receding down the hallway, and only then she allow herself to release the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Suddenly, that sound became loud, almost unbearable. She felt aware of her body, for the first time in a long time.
Mafuyu then turned toward the shower, her movements were slow, but they were no longer automatic. She stripped off his clothes with a dull urgency, letting the garments fall in a messy pile on the toilet lid.
She stepped into the shower and turned on the tap.
The cold water hit her, and instead of being a distant sensation, as everything in her life used to be, it was a direct impact. Mafuyu let out a muffled gasp, gritting her teeth. She felt the weight of her own muscles, the accumulated fatigue in her shoulders, and above all, the erratic beating of her heart pounding against her ribs.
It was too much.
She brought her hands to her face, letting the water slide down her arms. Her fingers trembled. Mafuyu tried to find the usual clinical calm, but all she found was noise.
She felt frustrated. A dull, heavy frustration, born from the fact that she couldn't classify what was happening to her. She was supposed to be in control, but Ena and Mizuki's words still echoed in her mind. Amongst all that, Emu's gaze appeared in her mind and made her heart skip a beat.
She pressed her hands against the cold tile, seeking an anchor. Her fingers clung to the wall joints with unnecessary force, seeking the subtle pain to confirm that she was still there.
Why did it bother him so much not to understand? It wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last; however, the fact that Ena and Mizuki highlighted it as something important made her doubt.
How bad would it be if she ignores it?
Her heart tightened within her chest and hurt. Everything she was feeling, living, implied a change she wasn't ready to face. Changing meant realizing that, beneath the surface everyone admired, there was someone starting to awaken, someone who didn't know how to handle the noise of their own heartbeat.
She stayed there, under the scorching stream, letting the sound of the water hitting the ground serve as a metronome that kept her grounded in reality.
Her eyes widened more than usual as she felt a chill run through her body. Was she scared? Afraid that, upon turning off the faucet and leaving that bathroom, the crack inside her would be too big to close again. That delving deeper into what Emu caused would further strain the weak relationship with her mother.
Her mother...
Would she accept that feeling that was blossoming?