Work Text:
new recording #4
you’re annoying.
like, VERY, annoying.
you’re really loud, and you talk a lot, and you follow me everywhere.
no matter how much i tell you to go away, you’re always just around the corner.
i hate it.
i think.
—
new recording #9
you wake up at an ungodly hour everyday. at 6:45 am. never a minute earlier, or a minute later.
6:45 am.
you take 15 minutes to finish brushing your teeth and to finish fixing your hair even though it looks the same no matter what you do to it.
by 7:05, your running out the door, saying goodbye to your mom and running to meet me at the convenience store at the intersection of our neighborhood.
we always meet at the convenience store— or, you meet me there.
“mork!” you’ll yell when you see me round the corner. or “melt!” or sometimes just “mark.” it’s different everyday… i think.
i always roll my eyes and complain that you’re too loud this early in the morning. you’ll just laugh and make me buy you something from the convenience store… but i can’t remember what…
i think it changed everyday…
i’m… not sure…
—
new recording #11
you never stop talking. even when you’re following behind me as we talk to school.
you never run out of things to talk about it seems. you’re never tired of just talking on and on and on about anything and everything.
you’re so annoying…
you’re so…
. . .
you’re just you…
. . .
you’ll be there tomorrow, right?
—
new recording #25
when i’m late by even a minute, you nag at me.
“late! you’re late!” you’ll scream as i walk up to you.
i have half a mind to just walk away from you, or just wake up earlier and head straight to school before you wake up…
. . .
but i can’t do that to you.
even though i hate you.
even though i hate how you call me your “soulmate.”
even though i hate how you never stop chasing me.
i hate it.
i hate how you wait.
i hate your stupid cheeky smile.
i hate your eyes—
your eyes.
. . .
what do they look like again…?
—
new recording #31
they kept calling you pathetic— my classmates, that is.
they kept calling you pathetic because you keep following and chasing after me, telling me you love me.
jaehyun and johnny-hyung backed you up, telling them to fuck off.
i laughed at their stupidity.
you’re not pathetic.
you’re just…
different.
you’re you.
—
new recording #48
you looked hurt when i yelled at you when you followed me home.
i’m sorry.
i didn’t mean to.
i just…
i got frustrated with you.. that’s all.
i got frustrated that no matter how much i’ve told you to go away, you never do. you’re like a ghost that continues to haunt me. you’ve always been, ever since we met in middle school.
i didn’t want you to cry.
it’s just… you never go away.
. . .
i never should’ve said i hated you.
i never should’ve said that i want you out of my life.
i didn’t mean any of it. truly.
i should know it’ll probably never come true…
you’ll never leave me…
. . .
right, hyuck…?
—
new recording #51
you didn’t wait for me.
i almost didn’t notice it.
but it was too quiet.
you weren’t at the intersection waiting.
you weren’t inside the convenience store.
when i asked the old man that worked there said he saw you went to school just as he was opening up for the day— 7:00 am.
why did you leave 5 minutes earlier?
without me…?
when i got to school, you were sleeping at your desk with your earbuds in. class was about to start, so i just stopped by to make sure you were in class…
yeah… that’s why…
—
new recording #56
you sat with sungchan at lunch that day.
out of all people, sungchan.
i got mad.
i think i was.. jealous..
i didn’t…
. . .
i didn’t think you’d take what i said to heart.
you can still sit with me at lunch.
you can still talk to me about the new music you listened to recently.
you can still talk to me about the movies you’re rewatching.
you can still…
. . .
you can still exist with me.
—
new recording #67
you rarely talk to me.
you look tired.
it scares me.
you get to school earlier.
you avoid me like the plague.
you barely spare me a glance.
but you smile at all our friends.
just not me.
taeyong-hyung thinks it’s because i pushed you away too much.
. . .
don’t make me admit he’s right.
i don’t want him to be right.
i want us to go back to the way we were.
. . .
can we…?
—
new recording #73
i got into a fight with a classmate over something they said about you.
i forgot what he said, but he insulted you.
next thing i knew, yuta-hyung was pulling me off of him while he looked at me, shocked and bloody.
i only got a busted lip, but my fists were bleeding from the impact. they didn't hurt at all.
you found me sitting on an infirmary bed, behind a curtain. you looked disappointed. you were holding a tiny first aid kit i remember seeing in your backpack.
you scolded me as you put ointment on a cotton swab.
“quit getting into unnecessary fights,” you mumbled as you leaning in to gently dab ointment on my lip.
i’ve never gotten into a fight before. you knew that.
i don’t remember what else you said.
all i remember is how long it’s been since you’ve been this close to me.
it’s been a while hasn’t it…?
i remembered i started crying when you finished bandaging my knuckles. you just held me as i cried into your shoulder.
only then did my injuries start hurting...
. . .
please, don’t leave.
—
new recording #85
i surprised you one day.
i woke up early and got to the convenience store at 6:50– just to make sure i wouldn't miss you in the morning.
at 7 o'clock on the dot, you walked by and saw me.
i remember i was waiting outside the store with a barley tea– the one you like. the one you drink all the time.
. . .
i think...
you looked at me like i was crazy.
you didn't say anything but a small "thanks" when i gave you the drink.
you walked ahead of me, for once.
you didn't say anything the entire walk to school.
i just.. watched the back of your head, trying to take in the moment…
but now…
now i can't remember…
what did you look like that day…?
—
new recording #99
i walked you home one day.
i don't know why, but my gut told me to.
so, i did.
you thought i was being weird. you kept asking why i was walking you home and told me to stop following you.
but i didn't.
i should've.
i could've.
but i didn't.
i just… shook my head and kept following you home.
you looked really tired today. i don't know why.
but it felt like something was wrong.
something you wouldn't tell me.
you used to tell me everything, but you haven't… not after that day…
i want to know– well, i wanted to know, at least.
i walked you to the door and said goodnight.
you… you looked at me with sad eyes and smiled… i think…
…
what did you look like that night…?
why can't i remember what you looked like…?
i don't want to forget.
i can't, hyuck.
i won't–
–
new recording #105
you didn't wake up that day.
you were late.
the old man said he didn't see you pass by.
it was 7:10.
it was out of the ordinary for you to not wake up on time, so i went to your house.
i remember your mom let me in when i knocked on the door. she looked like she was just about to head to work when she told me you were still upstairs sleeping.
when i asked why she didn't wake you up, she said she thought she'd let you sleep in for a bit before she woke you up to go to work…
your room door was slightly open when i got upstairs.
your room was a little messy, with clothes and your school work all over the place.
you looked… peaceful.
you were curled in on yourself as you slept under your blanket.
i remember calling out your name.
once.
twice.
i got scared after the third time.
i told you to wake up and that we'll be late for school.
but…
. . .
but when i tried to shake you awake… you didn't wake up…
you weren't sleeping, were you…?
—
new recording #111
they called it 'hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.'
that's what the autopsy said, at least.
they explained that it's a genetic heart mutation where your heart muscle thickens.
they said symptoms aren't usually easy to track and could fly under the radar.
they said you died from cardiac arrest in your sleep.
they say it wasn't my fault.
. . .
but you're still here.
you still wait for me at the intersection.
you still talk about anything and everything.
you still hum your favorite songs.
i don't know why everyone looks at me with pity.
i don't know why everyone avoids talking about you.
they're weird.
. . .
i'm sorry, hyuck.
—
mark avoided his therapist's eyes as the voice memo ends.
"one hundred eleven voice memos in 4 weeks. you must think about donghyuck a lot, mark." his therapist, dr. choi, comments in that warm tone of hers.
when mark started going to therapy shortly after donghyuck died, she had asked mark to record a voice memo every time he thought about him. how could he not think about him? how could he not when donghyuck haunts him like a ghost?
"i do have one question, mark."
he finally looked up and saw dr. choi looking at him, holding her notepad and pen. she's a sophisticated lady. young for her profession, but… approachable and warm hearted.
"you seem to talk about donghyuck in the present tense, almost as if he's still here. is there a reason why?" dr choi asked, ready to write down whatever mark said.
mark scoffed, "of course he's still here, he's just-"
"mark."
mark stopped. she looked at him with pity, "why?"
mark blinked at her, "i…"
mark stopped talking.
she didn't force him to continue.
she just waited patiently.
"because… i'm scared."
dr. choi tilted her head, "why is that, mark?"
mark breathed in and out, fidgeting with his fingers, "i'm scared that if i act like he was gone… then i'll forget him…"
dr. choi's expression softened. "and you don't want to forget him, correct?"
mark let out a humorless laugh, "no, of course not…"
—
new recording #127
hyuck, i miss you.
please, come back.
i'm starting to forget more and more things about you.
i can't remember your favorite color.
i can't remember your favorite song.
your favorite movie.
i'm starting to forget the sound of your laugh.
i…
i don't even remember what your eyes look like...
sniffle.
. . .
i'm scared, hyuck.
i'm scared that one day, i'm going to forget you and all these years you've spent to show me how much you love me will go to waste.
i don't want to forget you…
. . .
i think i've always loved you.
i just…
didn't want to admit it…
but i will now, even though it's too late.
i love you, lee donghyuck.
please.
please wait for me.
wait at the intersection, okay?
. . .
are you still there?