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You sat on the wooden steps of the front porch of your house, Judith resting in your arms, playing with a small toy that was placed in her chubby hands. Your eyes were focused on your father, Rick, and Jessie, who was holding hands and walking together, their backs to you. A small growl escaped from your throat as you looked away. The sound caused Judith to look up at you for a split second before continuing to play with her toy.
You didn’t like Jessie. No, that was an understatement. You absolutely hated Jessie. When the group first arrived to Alexandria, you noticed almost immediately how your father looked at her, even before Pete’s death and it angered you to no end. The first time you noticed was at the party, when you caught eye of your father planting a kiss on Jessie’s cheek. At first, it confused you, knowing that she was married to a useless piece of shit with two old kids, you figured that it was just the alcohol that your father had consumed, but then you caught glimpse of the look in his eyes. That look that you saw was more than platonic.
Then there was that moment when your father went insane yet again, getting into a huge physical fight with Pete and, after you saw the look on his face, the blood that decorated his aged features could only remind you of one face that haunted your past: Shane.
The look on your dad’s face truly horrified you and it scared you more when you saw him push your brother away. It just hurt you when you figured out that it was all for that woman. That married woman who had no place in your life. At the current day, when you saw the two of them together, then it would truly get the gears in your mind running faster and faster.
Your father was, indeed, just like Shane. If Shane had the chance, you knew he would have killed your father, just like Rick did to Pete, no matter if it was necessary under the circumstances that Pete was a drunk psychopath who could read right through his cheating wife. Your father would have killed Pete way before he actually did if he had gotten the chance, just like Shane would have done.
Shane. Shane. Shane. Shane.
The name continued to repeat itself through your mind every time you saw your dad with Jessie and it continued to break your heart each and every time. Your father, as you knew it, was changing into the man that you used to fear.
The door to the house opened up and your brother walked out of the house, greeting you as he sat right next to you on the step. You didn’t hear him speak the first time, continuing to look in the direction you were, thoughts overtaking you. Carl placed his hand on your shoulder.
“(Y/N)!” Carl said.
You lifted your head up rapidly, inhaling sharply as you did so. “What?” You asked, eyes wide with panic as you looked at your brother. “What?”
Carl looked at you with concern. “I said ‘hi’.” Carl said at first. “What’s wrong?”
You sighed and shook your head, looking towards the direction of Rick and Jessie again before looking at Carl again. “Nothing, just…” You licked your lips and began to bounce Judith in your lap. “Lost in thought.”
Carl hummed, nodding his head slightly. “What were you thinking about?” He asked you.
You pushed your lips out, looking back at the pair as they walked away and out of sight. “Nothing.” You replied. “Something absolutely useless.”
“Is this about Jessie?” Carl questioned.
You furrowed your brows as you looked at Carl. “How did you know?”
Carl shrugged his shoulders lazily. “I’m your brother. I can read you like a book.”
You smirked, which later turned into a large smile. “Yeah, it’s about her.” You replied.
“Why don’t you like her?”
“I-I don’t know. I think….I don’t…” You sighed, picking Judith up and handing her to your brother. “I can’t explain it. I just do.” You said, shaking your head violently. When Judith was in Carl’s lap, his hands on her sides, you stood up, rubbing your temples. “I need to go lie down.”
“(Y/N)...” Carl sighed, turning to watch you retreat.
“Don’t tell dad.” You told him, closing your eyes and entering the house again.
Carl turned back to Judith. “You know I won’t.” He mumbled under his breath.
When you closed the front door, you trudged your way to the couch in the front room and plopped down on it, placing on of your arms over your eyes. You took a nap for an hour.
Your brother was the one that woke you up, telling you that your father needed you for work by the gate. You sluggishly nodded and got up from the couch, rubbing your eyes, awaking yourself fully before you left the house and made your way to the front gate. There, you saw Rick and Jessie talking. You rolled your eyes and groaned audible, dragging your feet over to the duo. When your father caught sight of you, he smiled and you forced yourself to put one on yourself.
“Hey dad,” You said, walking up to them, keeping your eyes on him the entire time. “What did you need?”
Before your father could say anything, Jessie stepped in. “I was actually wondering if you could help me with…”
You didn’t even give her a chance to finish before you turned your head to her and glared at her. “I wasn’t asking you.” You said, your voice solid and serious.
Rick furrowed his brows at you. “(Y/N),” He scolded.
“Well, I asked you dad, not her.” You crossed your arms over your chest.
“That doesn’t matter. She is an adult and you are a child and you show her some respect, do you understand?” Rick said. When you didn’t respond, he said, “(Y/N), do you understand? Answer me.”
“Yes,” You said between gritted teeth. “I understand.”
Rick nodded. “Lose the attitude, alright? Anyway, I was wondering if you could go ahead and help Jessie with the counting of the weapons? Make sure everything is in order and there.”
Even though you hated the idea of working with Jessie, you still wanted to make your father happy, despite your continuously growing hate. So you gave Rick a small nod. “Alright. I can do that.” You mumbled.
“Thank you.” Rick said. “Go ahead and follow Jessie.”
You nodded and followed Jessie, turning your back on you father, as she began to walk away. There were several times when Jessie would start talking to you, but you would completely ignore her, staring straight ahead and not a word coming from your mouth. You didn’t care if you tried to come off as rude. That was your goal.
The two of you got to the weapons cache in no time. Jessie handed you a piece of paper on a clipboard and she had one herself. Your designated section was the ride side of the room while Jessie got the left. Minutes passed as you wrote down the amounts of ammo as well as weapons that you had on the sheet of paper with a dull pencil.
“How are your counts (Y/N)?” Jessie asked you.
“I’m trying to work Jessie.” You responded to her for the first time in a while.
Jessie furrowed her brows and looked at you. “Can you not answer me?” She asked seriously.
“And can you not shut your mouth for five fucking minutes?” Your eyes widened as you flailed your arms in the air and looked at her before turning your back against her.
“You shouldn’t use that type of language.”
You chuckled, your hands falling to your side. “Don’t tell me what to do, okay? I don’t have to listen to you, no matter how much my father says he likes you.” You said with disgust obvious in your voice before you began writing again.
“What is your problem?” Jessie asked, turning to face you, placing her fists on her hips.
“You wanna know?” You asked, placing the clipboard on a nearby table. “You really wanna know?” You moved closer to Jessie, fists formed at your side. “I hate you. There is no other way that I can say it, but I absolutely hate you. You don’t deserve to be with a man like my dad because he is the best person that has ever walked the face of this Earth while you’re just a timid little bitch who just tries to start shit.” Jessie’s eyes widened at your insult and her mouth dropped. “How dare you turn my father into that monster! How dare you drag my father into your marital problems like you did! How dare you use him like that!”
“I didn’t use him! Pete was an asshole and your father wanted to help.” Jessie said.
“Oh shut up.” You glared at her. “Let me get this straight; as long as I am around, you will never be a member of my family, do you understand? Never. I want you to stay the hell away from my father or else you’re going to have to sleep with your eyes open and pray to God that I don’t come in and slice your throat in the middle of the night because I am done with you. I want you out of my life and away from my father. You don’t deserve him.” You turned around before Jessie could even respond to your outburst. “Count the damn weapons yourself and fuck off.” You stormed out of the room.
The entire time you were on your way back to the house, your arms were crossed over your chest, anger flaring. Your hair could have practically been on fire with how mad you were. You never cussed in front of authority - it was just a respect thing that you taught yourself when you actually began learning the art of profanity - but you were just done. You didn’t care at that point. You were glad to get it all off your chest, but it was damn near impossible to hold back the urge to punch her right in her shocked face. A part of you wished you had. Another part - the sane part - knew that the action would cause even worse consequences.
It was when you stepped inside of your house and closed the door that your heart began to race with great worry. Your hands were shaking violently as you thought about what your dad would do if he found out what happened.
“Fuck.” You whispered under your breath so that you were the only one to hear.
“Is that you (Y/N)?” Carol called from the kitchen.
You walked into the kitchen, seeing her mix some ingredients together. She must’ve been there while Carl was out. “Yeah.” You mumbled. “Hey Carol.”
Carol noticed the change in your voice and looked at you. “What’s wrong sweetie?” She asked, continuing to mix the stuff in the bowl.
You swallowed the lump that was in your throat as you made eye contact with her. “I messed up bad Carol. Really. Bad.” You replied.
“Why?” Carol stopped what she was doing and turned to face you, arms crossed over her chest. “What happened?”
You took a deep breath, inhaling sharply before exhaling slowly. “I may...or may not...have cussed Jessie out.” You closed your eyes tightly and formed a fist with one hand, placing it against your forehead.
Carol’s shoulders slouched to the side. “Oh (Y/N), you didn’t.”
“I did.” You responded.
“Why would you do that?”
“I was just...tired of being around her and she kept asking me questions and then I went into this whole spiel about how she doesn’t deserve my dad and that she is a horrible person and...I really hate her Carol.”
“(Y/N)...”
“My dad’s going to kill me.” You said. “She’s going to open her mouth and then he’s going to kill me.”
“He’s not going to kill you. He’ll definitely yell at you, that’s for sure, but he won’t kill you.”
Your bottom lips began to tremble as you moved closer to her and wrapped your arms around her and embraced her into a very tight hug. She did the same to you, gently stroking your hair.
“It’s going to be okay.” She told you. “You’ll be alright.”
“I’m scared Carol. I really am.”
“I know (Y/N).” Carol kissed your forehead as she moved away from you. “But if you do something wrong, then you have to learn to face the consequences. That’s a part of growing up.”
You sniffled. “I know.” You responded. Carol smiled as you and patted you on the shoulder. “I’ll just...wait in the living room for the lashing that is sure to come.”
Carol didn’t even say anything as you as you turned and left the kitchen, sitting down in the living room, on the couch, and waited for your father to come back.
Rick appeared in the house half an hour after you sat down and you hadn’t moved from your seat. Rick first went into the kitchen, asking Carol where you were. When Carol told him you were in the living room, that was exactly where he went. He stood to the side of the couch, arms folded over his chest and a rather mad expression showing. You didn’t look his way, however. You just continued to stare forward, chin placed in the palm of your left hand, which rested on the arm of the couch.
“(Y/N), Jessie told me what you said to her.” Rick stated, eyebrows raised.
You shrugged. “And?”
Rick placed his arms at his sides. “And?” Rick looked at you with great shock. “And she told me that you called her a bitch and told her to fuck off. Is that true?”
You nodded. “Yeah.” You replied.
Rick sighed. “(Y/N), look at me.” You reluctantly turned your head so that you were looking at your dad’s disappointed look on his face. “That kind of behavior is unacceptable.” Rick pointed at you. “Jessie also said that you threatened to slice her throat open.”
You rolled your eyes and stood up. “So what?” You asked.
“So what? So what? That is no way to talk to an authority figure, especially the woman that I like…” You snorted and looked the other way, crossing your arms as a smile formed on your face. “Is something funny?”
“Yeah dad, you are.” You responded bluntly. “You are completely blind it is almost sad! You claim that you like a woman who has used you from day one! You’re just not seeing it!”
“She has not been using me (Y/N)!” Rick argued.
You shook your head, a look of disbelief on your face. “I rest my case!” You shouted. “All she did was use you as a way to get rid of her husband. She doesn’t really like you! I don’t believe it.”
“(Y/N)!” Rick shouted.
“What have you become?” Your voice went to a calm tone. “You’ve changed and I...I hate it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you had absolutely no problem with putting a bullet straight through Pete’s skull.”
“He was a drunken murderer (Y/N)!”
“I know, I know. But, doesn’t that bring a little deja vu? Just a tad? Do you have any idea who you’re really like?” You asked, voice getting increasingly louder.
“No, who?” Rick crossed his arms over his chest.
“How the hell can you not see it! It is so obvious that it should smack you right in the face.” You paced around, rubbing your head before turning around and walking up to your father, pointing a finger at him. “You...are just like Shane and I’m tired of it.”
Rick’s eyes widened at your comparison. “How dare you compare me to him (Y/N)!” Rick shouted.
“No! You are a spitting image!” You shouted back. “You wanted to screw around with a married woman, started fights with her husband even though you knew that you had absolutely no right to do so, and you had no emotion when Deanna told you to finally end him. You know what, you’re not like Shane. You are Shane.”
Rick opened his mouth to fight back, but he closed it. He turned his back on you, fists clenched at his side, anger boiling inside of him. “Get out.” Rick said.
“What?” You asked, not entirely believing what you heard.
“I said ‘Get out’. Get out!” Rick shouted at you with anger flooding his eyes.
You stared at him is disbelief before nodding. “Alright. Fine.” You said, turning your back and leaving the house, hearing Carol call for you to come back, but you didn’t listen. All you did was continue walking. That walking lead you right to the house that Daryl had. You hesitantly reached up to the door and knocked. It wasn’t long before the redneck opened up the door. “Hey Daryl.” You greeted.
“Wassup (Y/N)?” Daryl said in his gruff tone. “What’re you doing here?”
“Um,” You reached back and rubbed the back of your neck. “I got into a really bad fight with dad and...he kicked me out. I was just wondering if I would be able to spend the night here tonight?”
Daryl looked around outside before nodding. “Yeah, c’mon in.” He moved to the side, letting you walk right into the house. As he closed the door, he asked, “So, what’d you and Rick argue about?”
“I may, or may not, have called Jessie a bitch to her face and told her to fuck off.” You mumbled.
Daryl sharply inhaled. “Damn.” Daryl said. “No wonder y’er dad’s pissed off.”
“Yeah and...the worst part was...I...sorta...kinda...called him Shane.”
“Alright, now I understand why y’er dad’s pissed at ya.”
You hung your head down, staring at your shoes. “Is it still alright if I stay here.”
Daryl nodded. “Hell yeah. Ain’t none of my business anyway.” He responded.
“Thanks Daryl.” You said with a small, warm smile.
You didn’t sleep a wink that night. Your stomach was churning in your body the entire night, the unnerving feeling that your father absolutely hated your guts haunted you, leaving a dark fog of despair surrounding the bed you laid in. In the morning, the bags under your eyes were as dark as the midnight sky and your once beautiful (e/c) eyes were then the color of the deepest red from the darkest rose in existence. It took every last bit of strength that your exhausted body had to saunter down the stairs of Daryl’s house just as he was about to leave. Daryl looked your way seeing your state of being and immediately looked worried.
“Are you alright (Y/N)?” He asked you with concern. “You look like shit.”
“I didn’t sleep.” You told him, yawning and placing your hand over your open mouth. “And thanks for the vote of confidence, you really know how to make a woman feel good.”
“You do look like shit though.”
“I know.” You responded and nodded again. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to go hunting, get some food and such.”
“Can I come with you?”
“Hell no sunshine. You are in no condition to be out there today.”
You let out a heavy sigh, but said nothing as Daryl turned his back on you and left the house. You got some food from his fridge, not at all feeling bad, and ate before you wandered out into the world of Alexandria.
Everyone was out doing their own thing, paying you no mind whatsoever, going about their daily lives, completing the tasks that they were assigned. You began to walk towards your house without your brain fully grasping the action. Halfway there, you were stopped by Carol when she called to you from her porch. You turned your attention towards her and walked over to her, hands in your pockets, eyelids sagging halfway down your eyes.
“Hi Carol.” You said, leaning up against the porch as you got closer.
“Oh dear.” Carol said, placing her left hand over her mouth. “You really don’t look so good (Y/N) did you get any sleep last night?” She asked.
You shook your head. “No. Not even a wink.” You replied.
Carol sighed heavily. “I’m sorry sweetie. What you said last night was...pretty harsh.”
“I know.” You replied.
“Still, I don’t think Rick had any right to throw you out of the house, no matter how mad he actually was. I think he was just trying to not yell at you. He never wants to hurt you.” Tears of guilt began to brim at the edges of your eyes. You sniffled and wiped them away. “Did you mean anything that you said?” Carol asked.
You sniffled again. “What I said about Jessie I said from my heart.” You said with a whimper as Carol rolled her eyes. “But what I said about dad...I realized that I was...stupid. Wrong. I should never have said that. I took my anger from Jessie out on him and I shouldn’t have.”
The tears that were falling down your cheeks made you even more tired than you ever were. Carol smiled and walked towards you, enveloping you in a sweet hug, which you gladly accepted. You buried your face in her chest. “I’m pretty sure your dad is still in the house.” Carol said, causing you to look up at her. “I bet if you go over there and told him what you told me - excluding the Jessie part - then I think he’ll have no choice but to forgive you.”
You swallowed, looked back towards the direction of the house, and nodded. “Thanks Carol.” You said, giving her one last hug before you began walking towards the house that your family sat in.
You hesitated when you reached the porch and, finally, when you reached the door. You lifted your hand up, balling it into a very small fist before knocking lightly as could be against the door. You took a long stride back, placing your hands together and cowering down, looking at the ground in a timid fashion. It didn’t take long for Carl to answer the door. You gave a slight wave.
“Hey squirt. Can I...ugh...come in? I gotta talk to dad.” You said, your voice uneasy.
Carl looked behind him. “I don’t know.” Carl said. “I’m really not supposed to let you in.”
You frowned. “Please.” You said. “I’ll make sure dad doesn’t yell at you, I promise.” You held out your pinky, which Carl stared at for a couple of seconds before he brought his right hand up and hook his own pinky onto yours. “Thanks.” You mumbled with a smile as Carl stepped aside and led you into the house, closing the door behind him.
You walked with great caution into the house. “He’s in he living room with Judith.” Carl whispered as quietly as he could to you before disappearing into the kitchen.
As you made your way to the living room, your heart began racing faster and faster than it ever should have been. When you saw your father, back facing you, sitting on the couch, your heart stopped before starting at a fast pace again. You swallowed the many knots that formed in your throat before taking a small step forward.
“Dad?” Your voice was scratchy so you decided to clear your throat. “Dad?” You asked again.
Your father’s head perked up upon hearing your voice and turned towards you. Your eyes widened with worry once you saw your father’s bloodshot eyes and red cheeks. He didn’t seem like he had gotten any sleep either. You shoulders drooped down as you looked at him with the most guilt that you have ever felt in your entire life.
“What’re you doing here?” Rick asks, turning his head away in order to look at your little sister.
“I-I wanted to come and...apologize for what I said last night...and…” Tears began flowing down your face and your voice began to crack. “I shouldn’t have said that. I swear, I didn’t mean it!” Rick looked at you with sorrow in his eyes. “I should never have said anything to Jessie especially with the vulgar language that I used, that was extremely immature of me. I should never have compared you to a dirty, rotten, no-good, backstabbing, horrid, disgusting piece of shit like Shane because I love you and you’re better than he ever was and you’re not even close to being like him and...and...and…” You couldn’t find anymore words, but you didn’t have to because Rick got up from his seat, Judith in his arms, halfway through your rant and when you were finished, he encompassed you in a large, tight hug. You just sat there and sobbed into your father’s chest, whispering ‘sorry’ to him many times. Rick used his one free hand to gently rub your back.
The sobbing was the only sound that filled the room. Your sister looked down from her spot above you. She placed one and on your head and gently began patting it. You pulled yourself back to look at her. Once you looked up, she began to target your face, giving it a gentle smack. Her hand finally halted on your nose. You couldn’t help but smile at her as did your father. Your smile was replaced with a frown as you backed away from the two, Judith’s hand leaving your face. You looked at the ground.
“Listen (Y/N),” Rick began. “I’m sorry for kicking you out last night. That wasn’t appropriate or mature on my part. I just didn’t want to yell at you, even though that is just an excuse. I hate yelling at you kids and the things that you said...really surprised me and even hurt me. I didn’t want to hurt you too.” Rick frowned, his voice coming out more of a growl than anything.
You sniffled and looked up at Rick. “I’m sorry dad.” You said.
Rick nodded and pulled you into a hug. “I know.” He replied. “I’m sorry for throwing you out. I shouldn’t have.” He placed a small kiss on the top of your head. “I think you should apologize to Jessie today as well.” You let out an audible groan as you, again, backed away from your father. “(Y/N),” He warned. “Did you mean what you said about her? Don’t lie to me now…”
“Yeah...I meant what I said.” You mumbled, unable to tell a lie.
Rick sighed, placing a hand on your shoulder. “Look, I know you don’t like her, I learned that the hard way, but you still have to show her some respect, okay?” You gave a small nod. “I promise, you’ll grow to like her, just give her a chance.”
You didn’t even like the idea of doing that, but, to make your father happy, you would do so. So you responded with a nod. Rick smiled and embraced you once more.
“Where did you go last night?” Rick asked.
“I stayed at Daryl’s place.” You said.
“That was nice of him to let you stay there. I’ll have to thank him later. Did you tell him what happened?”
“Yeah, but he said he wasn’t going to get involved.”
“That sounds about right.”
You smiled. “Did you get any sleep last night?” You asked.
Rick shook his head. “No. Did you?” He asked in return.
You shook your head as well. “Not even a little. I’m sorry dad.”
“I’m sorry too (Y/N).”
The embrace didn’t last long before you backed away. Rick reached up and rubbed your head. You smiled and pushed his hand away laughing ever so slightly. Rick grinned widely, showing his white teeth.
“I think it’s about time that we get to work. You can say you’re sorry to Jessie on the way out to work.”
“Alright.” You said. “I guess I have no other choice.”
“Nope, you don’t.” Rick said. “Like I said, you’ll grow to like her.”
You sat back and hoped that your father was right. A part of you knew that he had his moments where he entirely wasn’t, but another part of you wanted to believe that he was right all the time. That was why you always stayed by his side, because you trusted him with everything, even your life and the life of your brother and sister. Things will get better, you convinced yourself, all it takes is one step at a time.