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Junichiro carefully averted his eyes from the mirror, peeling away layers until all that was left was… him. He took a breath. Five minutes in the shower. Then he was done. He could cover back up and try to forget again.
He lasted two. Nearly fell out of the shower, barely dried himself, pulled his clothes back on and could finally breathe again.
Naomi knocked, quiet. It was late. "You okay, Juni?"
"Yeah…" he said, hugging himself. "…Call Atsushi, please…?"
"Sure."
Junichiro stayed on the tiles, focusing on his breaths and not how his chest felt on his body. He closed his eyes.
There was another knock, more timid. "Junichiro…?"
"Yeah…" He dragged himself over to unlock the door and let the other man in.
Atsushi came in quietly, sitting beside him. "Are you okay?"
"Just having a bad day…" He sighed. "Are you okay with touch right now?"
"Yeah. Just, uh, normal rules."
Junichiro smiled slightly. He said that every time, like Junichiro would ever break one of his tentatively set boundaries.
"I know." Junichiro shuffled to sit against him. "Can you stay the night?"
"Mhm. I brought Kyouka, she can stay in Naomi's room."
"Thanks." Junichiro craned his neck to kiss Atsushi's jaw.
Atsushi flushed red. Junichiro smiled. He was so cute.
Atsushi insisted on drying Junichiro properly before they went to his room. Junichiro let him everywhere but his chest, which Atsushi was fine with. They each had their things.
Junichiro led him by hand, rubbing at his eyes. He was exhausted. He'd been overstimulated and painfully aware of his body the whole day. Naomi had been looking through their old photo book, the ragged folder holding what little they had from their childhoods. Before Junichiro was… Junichiro.
He sighed and flopped down onto the bed, pulling one of the cushions over his chest.
"Wanna sleep in my bed tonight?" he offered. Some days Atsushi needed space, and that was okay.
"Um… Okay." He sat on the side of the bed, staring at the carpet.
Junichiro watched him. "You can relax, Atsushi. It's okay."
"I'm… Relaxed…"
"Mhm." Junichiro gently pulled him down beside him. Atsushi meet his gaze with wide eyes. "Did something happen? Or just regular anxiety?"
"Regular…" he said quietly. "I don't want to annoy you, by sharing the same bed… I don't know if I snore, or kick-"
"You don't. You sleep like the dead. I've been worried, a few times." He smiled, petting Atsushi's head of lopsided hair. "I want to share, if you're okay to. We can bring the extra mattress in just in case, if you want."
Atsushi nodded. "I'll be okay…"
"I don't mind if you can't do it. Please don't sleep on the floor. It's cold."
"I know…" Atsushi offered an unsure smile, trying to match Junichiro. "I'll be okay."
"Okay." Junichiro gently held his face, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Atsushi closed his eyes contently.
Atsushi was so close to being asleep, dozing while tucked against Junichiro, when he flinched hard enough to make Junichiro jump and woke himself up.
"What was that?" Junichiro asked, much more concerned than annoyed.
"Um…" He looked rather startled himself. Junichiro rubbed his arm, trying to calm him down a bit. "I don't know…"
"…Well, you're okay. I was awake, nothing happened. Sometimes bodies just do that, I guess."
"Right…" He took a shuddering breath, settling back down. "You're not sleeping…?"
Junichiro looked back at the manga he'd been staring blankly at for the last half hour. "…No. Not tired."
"You look tired…"
He was tired. He nodded, wrapping his arms around the other man. Atsushi felt different to Junichiro. Junichiro had a healthy amount of fat, for one, but more than that - Atsushi had muscle everywhere Junichiro wish he did. He felt like a man. Not like Junichiro.
Junichiro huffed, petting Atsushi's fluffy hair again.
"I am tired, yeah. Just… A bit much going on in my head at the moment."
"Mm…" Atsushi, slowly, hugged Junichiro around the waist. It was low enough, so Junichiro didn't stop him. "Are you okay?"
"Mhm. Nothing to worry about." He thought about it. "…Naomi was looking at our old photos. From before I was a boy. I think I might've been triggered, or something…"
Atsushi nodded. He understood triggers, even if his were for different reasons. That was part of why Junichiro felt so safe with him - which was something, because in all honestly, men scared him. There was a power imbalance, a danger. He knew the issue was mainly in his head, but he was scared when it was just him and a man in the same room, even early on at the Agency. He was better now.
Atsushi was so scared, himself, though, and he was small and careful and it felt safe to be the bigger one in the relationship. To be the protector, and not just the scared one. He felt more masculine when he got to help out Atsushi. And he knew it made Atsushi feel important and needed to help him, so he tried to let him as much as he could.
"I want to show you."
"Yeah? You don't have to…"
"It's okay." Junichiro sat up. "It'd probably be good for me to look, anyway. I have to face it someday…"
Atsushi hesitated. Junichiro squeezed his hand.
"I am not saying you need to face anything in your past, now or ever. This is something I think I need to do. You do whatever you need to keep yourself safe, okay?"
"Yeah…"
Junichiro came back with the book. It was full, nearly overflowing, but the majority of it was pictures from lately. Naomi liked taking pictures, and arranging them nicely around the place - this book, her locker at the agency, the walls all through the house.
He sat by Atsushi, who leaned into him, and set the book down. Now that he'd gotten this far, he was questioning if he really wanted to do this. Atsushi didn't push, just nuzzled into him, probably still half asleep.
Junichiro took a breath. He started at the back, the most recent pictures. Scraps from newspaper articles about the agency, pictures of the two of them with the other members, and just with each other.
As he got to the middle, his appearance started to change. It was just after they joined the agency. Naomi had spent her first paycheck on a decent camera, and dragged him around the city. It'd been nice. He was skinnier, smaller, wearing torn jeans and hoodies and converse he stole from someone's porch. He'd cut his hair short, more focused on convenience than looks, and Naomi always wore pigtails to hide how messy her hair was. Their few years on the streets together weren't easy.
They'd cleaned up, after that. Kunikida got them into school, so they'd be educated enough to work at the agency. And then they didn't have to worry so much.
He hesitated before turning to the very first page. They didn't have much, from before Kunikida picked them up. Naomi didn't have anything. Junichiro had a few pictures he'd managed to carry into adulthood, though he would've liked to burn them. Naomi insisted on keeping them, to 'see how far he's come'.
He turned the page, but couldn't bear to look at it. He stared up at the roof.
Atsushi, still nestled against him, shifted to look closer. "This is really you?"
"Yeah," he replied, mouth dry.
"You're so cute," Atsushi said, gently taking the book.
"It's not me…"
"What do you mean?"
"I… it's… I barely remember that time, it doesn't feel like- it doesn't feel like I was ever her. I just have some of her memories. And her body…"
Atsushi hummed, not moving from Junichiro's side. Slowly, he spoke.
"There's this one picture of me, that the… the orphanage director had. He was feeding me, and- he looked so kind. Maybe it was before he knew I was the tiger, I don't know… I remember the first time I saw it, I just couldn't accept that it was me in the photo. It was my face, but I never-" He swallowed. "It felt so impossible. There's no way I was the kid in the photo, because it was just impossible that the director was ever kind to me."
Junichiro glanced at him. "I'm sorry…"
Atsushi shook his head, forcing a tight smile. "It's okay. I'm… Better, now. Dazai worked through the disconnect with me… But, maybe it doesn't feel like you, because you're so different now? You're safe and living how you want to. You look so miserable in these pictures. Maybe you can't remember being in this much pain."
Junichiro steeled himself, squeezing Atsushi's hand. He looked down.
He felt tears sting his eyes. He had been miserable. He remembered it, the tiniest bit, just a foggy feeling. He traced the picture. Ginger curls, falling past his shoulders, over a beat-up school uniform. Just a kid.
Atsushi hugged him gently. "You okay…?"
"Yeah…" Junichiro closed the book, pushing it away. He wrapped his arms around Atsushi's shoulders. "Thank you…"
"I'll help with anything I can, Junichiro. Just ask."
"Mm…"
Junichiro woke up in the early morning, Atsushi sleeping against him, breaths coming in soft chuffs. Junichiro petted his head lightly.
Atsushi, hyper-aware of his surroundings as always, shifted as soon as he heard Junichiro's breaths change from sleep to awake. He blinked up at him.
"Are you okay…?"
"I'm fine." Junichiro smiled slightly. It was nicer, waking with a warmth at his side. "You can go back to sleep."
Atsushi hummed, resting his head back down. He didn't sleep, though. Junichiro didn't know how he got by on such little sleep - although Junichiro had never slept, when he and Naomi were on the streets. He couldn't risk anything happening to her. Maybe Atsushi was still breaking out of the habit of needing to protect himself at all times.
"You feel safe here, don't you…?" Junichiro asked softly.
Atsushi looked at him, and Junichiro saw something shift, unsure.
"It's not a test. It's okay if you don't feel safe, you've been through a lot. It wouldn't be surprising."
"I feel safe," Atsushi said, though his voice shook. "I do… I feel safer here than anywhere else, like, ever… Everything is so hard, when it shouldn't be, and I'm always scared… I feel better here. I know you'll take care of me."
"Of course." Junichiro hugged him gently. "Always. I'm glad you feel safe here…"
Atsushi smiled, snuggling into him.