Work Text:
The big day.
Every day’s a big day, really. I gue- I guess it’s just a matter of perspective which days are bigger than others..? I’m sure today is just as menial as any other for most of the world. For me, it’s probably the biggest day that’s ever… day’d. That’s definitely not a real word, but sometimes you just have to make up words to describe how you feel when the words that already exist don’t do it justice!..
Kamille.
And today is a big day. It’s an important day! A… a monumental occasion! Hell, I’m on a different continent. For the first time in my life! I’ve traveled across the seas—or– well, really just the one sea—to get to a totally foreign land so that I could expand my horizons! This would be a big day for anyone in a similar position. So it’s– it’s perfectly normal that I’d be nervous outta my mind, isn’t it? Yeah, this– this is all according to plan, nothing’s really gone wrong yet… except the whole… not-having-any-idea-where-to-go… thing.
Kamille!
But that’s solvable! I can just… go find a map! There’s gotta be maps everywhere, right? It’s such a big campus. I’m sure everybody else is just as lost as I am! Look at ‘em. All… bustling around campus like they all know exactly where they’e going… finding their classes perfectly, probably… everyone’s.. already registered and everything… oh, dear Arceus. I’m not even remotely fit for this place, am I?
Kamille, are you ALIVE?
What am I doing here? This is– this isn’t the place for me! I don’t belong here at all! I can’t believe I came here for a mathematics degree! What am I doing at Deca—
“Kamille! Pick up your damn paws!”
I jumped. Probably yelped. Probably loudly. I tumbled back straight onto the ground, holding a paw on my chest, catching my breath. My heart felt like it was about to pound right out of me, just as the shadow of a Maractus loomed over me and put her hands on her hips.
“The hell’s wrong with you, Kamille?”
“I dunno if I’m supposed to be here!” I huffed. Stiiiiill catching my breath.
“Whadduyu mean ‘not s’pos’ta be here’? You made it all the way here, didn’t’cha? Didn’t hafta lie your way onto campus. Didn’t break in.”
I wondered, briefly, if my friend knew that this was a little in poor taste to say to a Dark-type. Just long enough to catch my breath and sit up.
She smiled. “There. Lookat’chu. You can do this, right?”
“I think I’m gonna be sick.”
“Well, do it at the next guy who looks at you funny.”
“The next??”
“Ack– heyyy, stooop. Didn’t mean that.”
“I’m outta my element here, Plais!”
“Then make it your element! What does that even mean?!”
“I mean look at everybody! They’re all so… used to this! They’re all walking around, getting to where they need to go, knowing stuff—but I just got here and I’m already panicking.”
“Okay, well, step one, I think you should take a biiiig ol’ breath.”
I obliged. Iiiiiinnnn… and out.
“Better?”
“…Whuff. The circumstance hasn’t changed, but… y– yeah, a little.”
“‘Kay then. I wanna see you fix your lanyard, get up on all fours, ’n walk your ass over to that board.”
“…There’s… a whole crowd of Pokémon in front of it.”
“Yeah? Push through ‘em.”
Couldn’t argue with that. I looked over at the board. It was scattered with papers and posters, pinned to it with various thumbtacks and tapes. Every sheet looked like it was fighting for its space on the board, just like I was fighting for a space in front of the board pushing through all these Pokémon to get there. Just like I was fighting for my spot to even exist here at Decamark.
I skimmed the titles of a few of the papers. Physics, chemistry, history, anthropology, biology, set theo– set theory? I pulled a paper off the board, and read the title properly this time: Difference Equations, Set Theory and their Applications in Science. This! This is what I’m here for!
“Find somethin’?”
“Yeah. This looks right up my alley.”
“Seeee? Told’ju you belonged here.”
“The next challenge is.. finding.. somewhere to fill this out.”
“We saw that library on the way in.”
“What about you? I don’t think you can get in there without a card.”
A pause. “Guess I’ll be off.”
“So soon?” I tilted my head, nudging us out of the crowd that formed behind us and under a nearby tree.
“I can’t stay here forever. Y’know, I got a whole life’a my own to get back to, back home.”
…
I looked away. Just so happened to catch a glimpse of the massive academic campus that sat behind me, just outside my field of view. The place I was about to live for the next… who-knows-how-long. I rubbed my neck. “Yeah, I… I guess.”
“Awe, you miss me already?”
“Well, I’m…” …thinking about how to put this without sounding downright pathetic. “…all alone, out here. I don’t really know anybody else besides you.” Great job, Kamille. Surely that’s less pathetic.
“I ain’t here to do big things. You’re here to change the world. ’N I know you’re gonna. Might just take you a bit.”
“What, all on my own?”
“I’m sure the library ain’t totally empty. Maybe you’ll find your new favorite research partner right beyond those doors.” She gestured over her shoulder at the library entrance. For a library on such a busy campus, it didn’t seem that many Pokémon were going in and out.
“I’ll.. write.”
“Good. An’ I’ll look forward to hearin’ from you when you’re famous.”“Oh, please.” I paused. Suddenly, looking over at the library, I felt a strange sense that this had all become much more real than it just was. “I’ll miss you, Plais.”
“Don’t miss me too much, now.” She patted my back, nudging me toward the library.
“Okay, okay…” I took another deep breath. I sat down, straightened out my lanyard, made sure my card was facing front-and-center, folded up the paper, put it in my mouth, stood up, and made my way to the library.
It was a big brick building. Still is, I guess. A pair of glass doors right up front—pretty big, but not big enough for every Pokémon to get in. I guess they didn’t account for a hypothetical Steelix who’s very interested in typobiology. I shoved the doors open with my head and slipped inside. For how big the doors were, they were surprisingly quiet—only did I realize how loud they actually were once they closed with a thunk that reverberated through the whole library. I felt like I’d just broken a years-long silence and had tripped an ancient booby trap. I stood there just behind the doors. Still, frozen—as though the staircase in the middle of the room was about to start shooting arrows at me. When that didn’t happen, I finally exhaled.
This was probably the biggest room I had ever been in in my entire life. Rows upon rows upon columns upon miles of books on shelves. Desks everywhere—few of them even populated. The Pokémon who were populating the tables looked like they’d never slept a day in their lives. Half-empty cups of coffee and a still-in-use fur brush to their names. I saw Pokémon exploring the aisles—some frantically searching for a book with a slip in their mouth, some casually perusing the wares. Books about all kinds of subjects—but lucky for me, I already knew where I was headed. To the left, into this section, and down this aisle. Straight to the books I needed.
I sat down, took the paper I’d folded out of my mouth, and unfolded it. Only now did I realize how much of the form was unfilled. I sheepishly looked out of the aisle I had just walked into. I’d hoped to find a desk with a pencil I could sit down at to fill this out, but instead I was greeted with another Pokémon walking right into the aisle directly into my line of sight. Straight in front of my face! And now looking past them would make it look like I’m either staring at them or ignoring them entirely. I wasn’t sure which was the more polite option, so in my panic, I raised a paw and waved, nervously. The look that she gave me… I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. A heavy-set Espeon with a big shoulder bag and a lanyard around her neck sat down in front of the shelf and stared right into my soul. Those big violet eyes felt like they comprised entire oceans each of their own, and the longer I sat there further engrossed in her gaze, the deeper she managed to pull me under her dizzying spell. The look of horror-slash-wonder on my face must’ve been louder than the books, as she tilted her head in confusion as I continued to stare for what felt like hours.
“Are you looking for something?” She nodded toward the shelf of books before us.
I blinked. My vision felt as though it needed a full minute to readjust. I couldn’t tell if I was short of breath or just a wuss.
“The books are to your right.”
“Yes! I– yeah, I– I see ‘em. Thanks. You.”
“Mm-hmm.” She turned her attention to the shelf, squinting at the titles on the spines.
“…Y– you, uhh…” I stammered.
Her ear perked up. She glanced at me.
I panicked. “What– why are— your… you have… really purple… eyes.” I gulped. My life flashed before my eyes.
“I’m aware.”
“…Yeah! Just… thought you should… know.”
“I do.”
We continued staring at each other. I began to sweat. Or maybe I had been sweating for five minutes already. “…S– soo, uhh… youuuuu’re… heeere!.. How come?”
“To further my studies. Why are you here, if you have no idea why I could possibly be here?”
Wow. I’m terrible at this. I found it pretty hard to comprehend why Plais believed in me, in this moment. “…S– yeah, the– the same reason, yeah. Studying…”
“Congratulations.”
“…Math…”
“Mm-hmm?”
“Discrete math?”
“Okay.”
“I, uhh…” I frantically looked over the books in front of me, and grabbed one. “This!..”
She sat back up straight, looking over the book I was holding. “…The Lorenz system?”
“…Apparently…” I lowered the book. My ears drooped.
“You’re holding a research proposal?”
“Yeah, I wanted to start off with a bang and all, but I feel like I’m just making a total ass outta myself.” I shoved the book back into the shelf.
“Your audacity is somewhat impressive.”
“Huh? My– my audacity??”
“You walk onto the campus of a rather prestigious academy, grab a research proposal on a subject you seemingly know little of, walk into a library and chat up the one Pokémon that apparently scares you the most.”
“I–.. fh– what?? I– I do– this isn’t—”
“And you’re defensive. Which means you find value in all this somewhere.”
“I’m defensive??”
“I’m just pointing out what I observe. You’re letting me.”
“I– wh– what am I supposed to do?”
“I dunno. Retaliate? Am I wrong about any of this so far?”
I blinked. “I– fuckin’– I know what I– I’m—…” My ears drooped again.
“Raine,” she blurted.
I looked up.
“My name. It’s Raine.”
I huffed, leaning my head back. “Hheh. Must’ve put on a good show, then, huh? Kamille.”
“You did. I’m intrigued. Your field is discrete mathematics, yes? And it sounds like you’re looking for their applications in the realm of science. Lucky for you, differential equations happen to be relevant in my field of study.”
“…How’s that lucky for me?”
“You seem lonely.”
Oh, great. Do I look that pathetic? Don’t actually say that out loud. “Oh, great! Do I really look that pathetic?” Damnit.
“Indeed you do.” Awesome. “Typically I prefer to work alone, but… I anticipate group projects in the future, and I’d like to have someone to work with that I know can keep up.”
“Keep up??”
“I suppose you’ll find out. Grab your book. I’ll meet you at the table nearest the check-out slips.” She pulled out a book from the shelf, placed it into her mouth, stood up, and walked off.
I think I just landed a friend? Score, I guess? She’s terrifying. But… sort of… attractive, in a way? She could tell me to do whatever she wanted me to do and I’d probably do it. I’d probably like it…
Holy shit. What am I saying? Am I just gonna do what she said because she intimidates me?
It’s not just because she’s intimidating, though, right? She seems to be implying she knows much more about her subject of choice than I do. She strikes me like she knows more about everything than I do. And Plais was right… having a friend would be nice. If she even wants to be anything more than acquaintances, that is…
I hesitantly picked up the book in my mouth, meandering out of the aisle and over to the table she indicated. I sat down, put down the book, and stared at the cover. The text was blurry and the cover a garbled mess of colors as I stared right through it, resting my cheek on a paw.
I’m really not meant to be here, am I? I’m just some Water Continent academic wannabe. Should’ve just done voice acting or something like that. Maybe then I wouldn’t’ve had to move overseas, I wouldn’t be in this mess, I wouldn’t be questioning whether I’m even meant to be here… all for some math? Everyone hates math! What’s my problem for liking it? Going out of my way to study it? Now here I am, surrounded by Pokémon that all know more than me and probably will continue to know more than me for the entirety of my time here, and I’ll just fall behind academically and socially until I’m left in the dust and Espeo– Raine forgets my name and my face and who I ever was and leaves me in the dust. Without even ever fucking me abou—
“Your research proposal is still blank.”
I jumped. “Wahahh?? Y– uhh— yeah! Yeah.”
Raine stared. “Are you only here to feel smart, or would you actually like to get things done? I’ve yet to see any indication from you that you care about what you’re doing.”
Ouch? That one hurt. “I, uhh… I care. I’m just a little.. lost, right now. Y’know, I just got here, I’m on a totally new continent, it’s all a lot of unfamiliar stuff…” I winced preemptively, bracing for another scathing response.
She nodded. “I can understand that, I suppose. It’s a lot of new sensory input to process, if you only just got here.”
I opened my eyes. “…Whuh?”
“I said I can understand that. It’s a lot of new sensor—“
“No, I— I heard you.”
“What part didn’t you get?”
Holy shit. “I… guess I just expected a response that was a little more… ruuuude?”
She chuckled. “At least you’re honest. You’ll come to find that I am, as well. I see no reason to hold back my true feelings, as they’re almost always objectively informed. I don’t really need emotions. They disappoint me, more than anything. I stick to hard logic where possible. I find most Pokémon would be better off if they did the same. You included.”
“M– me incl—”
“Well, if you shift your focus to the task in front of you, perhaps you’d have less time to agonize over the stressors of today. Perhaps it could be a distraction. Or, if it’d help, we can bring this back to your dorm.”
“Oh– right… I haven’t even checked it out yet.”
“A good opportunity to, then.”
“Yeah, this… library is making me anxious.” I hunkered down in my seat, glancing around the library.
“Fine, then. Don’t forget to fill out your check-out slip. Wouldn’t want to accidentally steal a textbook on your first day.” She stood up… “I’ll wait for you by the door.” …and walked off.
I sat in my seat, bewildered. Taking her advice, I shook my head, filled out my slip, dropped it into the box, shoved the book into my bag, and stood up. I made my way over to the front entrance to find Raine sitting there, staring at me. I’d at least expect a smile or something, but the only thing she gave me was that deep stare into my soul again.
She stood up. “Lead the way.”
Oh, right. I’m supposed to do that. We’re going to my dorm. We’re going to my dorm? I’m bringing a girl back to my dorm on the first day? Woooaahhh. Hold on. Back u—
“I don’t know where your dorm is.”
“Ghhwahh– yeah! No, of course you wouldn’t. It’s– fffffffffuck. I don’t know either— lemme look.” I sat down and grabbed my card off my lanyard. I remember seeing that place on the campus map. It’s right across from the library, up North. “Okay– this way.” I pushed my way out the door, with Raine trailing closely next to me.
She navigated this campus like she’s been here for her whole life. She looks right at home, here at Decamark. Like there’s no other place she was ever meant to be. Unlike me, of course. Who looks incredibly out of place and like I should never have been here in the first place, et cetera et cetera. Though, somehow… trailing along next to her in her shadow makes me feel a little more… at home. Like she’s giving me a place to belong right alongside her. Somehow. Through all the blank stares and rather blunt remarks. She is the only one to have a conversation with me, so far. And now we’re headed back to my dorm. A place I’ve never even been… closed-in… with her.
I opened the door, slipping into the winding hallways of the dormitory complex, all the while lost in the convoluted labyrinth of my own mind. Wouldn’t it be nice if Raine was right? If we could just turn our emotions off whenever we felt like it, just to be a feelingless automaton… maybe then I wouldn’t have to unpack all the tangled wires in my head right now while all I’m trying to do is find my dorm. But the silence is only getting louder, and it’s starting to get a little awkward…
I slowed my pace. “How do you do it?” I spoke quietly, as though we were still in the library. I felt a need to avoid disturbing anyone who may be asleep… in the afternoon. On a college campus.
“You’ll have to be more specific.”
“The whole… ‘I don’t need emotions’ thing. You that good at controlling your emotions?”
“No.”
………………
I blinked. “…Theennn… what is it?”
“I prefer to think objectively when I can, is all. That isn’t to say I don’t experience emotion. However, it is to say that I prefer to avoid allowing it to influence my judgment. If everything I say is not objective, then what’s the real point in saying it? Though, of course, you can argue that reality only exists within our perception of it, but without some sort of objective truth, I don’t believe anything exists at all. If it truly is the case that I’m the only real Pokémon and all of this is just happening inside my head, nothing I perceive is truly real, et cetera, then I’ll find that out eventually, in my pursuit to understand the rest of the universe. And if I don’t ever find out before I die, then I failed to prove a negative, which is impossible anyway—so I won’t be upset by it.”
I slowed to a halt in the middle of the hallway. Raine trailed a bit ahead of me before glancing over her shoulder.
She turned around all the way. “Is this it?”
“No, I– sorry, I just… I’m processing what you said.”
“You can process just as well—arguably better—in your own dorm.”
“W– yeah, okay.” I stood back up and continued forth. Couldn’t be much farther by now, right?
“The point is that I can’t understand the universe itself if I don’t look at it through an objective lens. Otherwise I’m just understanding what I think I know about the universe. You could also argue it’s impossible to understand anything but that… but I would prefer to get as close to that as I possibly can.”
“You really do come up with my arguments for me, huh?”
“Hmm?”
“Like– you’ll say stuff like ‘you could argue yadda yadda’ trynna anticipate what someone could say in response to you.”
“I prefer to get the inane parts of the conversation out of the way before they happen. Gets us to the productive parts quicker.” She stopped walking.
I stumbled, stopping next to her. “Whuh?”
“We’re here.”
“Huh?”
“We’re here.”
“H– how do you—” I grabbed my lanyard and looked at the card. Lo and behold, she was right. This was the door.
“I looked at your card. You were lost in your own mind. We’d’ve passed it if I hadn’t.” She gestured to it.
Shit! She’s kinda right! I would’ve just barreled right past it. That’s… kinda impressive.
I fumbled with the lanyard for my key, unlocked the door, and ladies-firsted her. She slipped inside and plopped her bag on a desk by the window. I followed, closed the door behind me, immediately beelined it for the bed and flopped on it face-first.
There was a brief pause. Then, I felt a flop next to me. I turned my head to the side to find Raine face-down right next to me, in the exact same pose I was just in. She turned to face me as well, cheek still buried in the covers. “You’re right. This is pleasant.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. Why was that cute?.. “Glad I could teach you something for once.”
“If I knew everything, I wouldn’t be here, would I? I have a lot to learn. I’ll likely have a lot to learn for the rest of my life. Perhaps I’ll never accomplish my goal of understanding absolutely everything, but I’d rather have a goal I cannot accomplish than accomplish my life’s goal before I die, leaving myself purposeless for the rest of my life.”
Wow. That got existential quick. “You’d… rather not accomplish your goal?”
“Assuming I die someday, which is likely.” She shrugged. “That’s not to say I’m not going to try to accomplish my goal. Perhaps I do discover the secret to eternal life. Then I can take as long as I need. For now, however, I’ll just keep learning as much as I can, day by day.” She pushed herself up all the way onto the bed, rolling onto her back, looking at the ceiling. “Making a living doing so is another story.”
I slipped up onto the bed next to her, also laying on my back. I looked at her. “It’s, uh… a.. noble goal, I guess. Prettyyy… tough, don’t’cha think?”
“Sure. But my opinion on it isn’t relevant. It’s my goal.”
“I think your opinion on it is what makes it your goal.”
She furrowed her brow. “Perhaps it’s my goal for reasons beyond myself.”
“Like..?”
She looked at me. Her gaze pierced deep into me. I gulped.
“When I was a child, I found myself curious. As all children are. I, however, was very curious. It was important to me to know everything about a subject before I engaged with it too much—thus, I found myself asking lots of questions that went unanswered. Whether that was because the Pokémon around me didn’t have the answers or just didn’t feel like giving the answers, few of my questions were actually given answers. That got me in the business of finding those answers for myself. If I can find enough answers to enough possible questions, then perhaps I can be there to provide those answers for anyone who may have the same questions I had as a child.”
I blinked.
“No question should ever go unanswered.”
………
I nodded, slowly. “…Yeah. That’s… you’re– you’re right.”
“I’m glad you agree.”
After another pause, I turned my gaze to the ceiling, resting my head on my paws. “It’s pretty admirable.”
“Is it?”
“I think so, yeah.”
“What gives you that impression?”
“Well, you had a problem, ’n went out of your way to solve that problem for everybody else so nobody else would have to experience the same.. problem. Isn’t that the definition of nobility?”
There was a pause. I looked back over at her. She was staring at the ceiling, seemingly lost in her own mind. In fairness to her, there’s a lot to get lost in.
She folded her ‘arms’ over her chest. “I suppose so. Whether intent matters is another story. I suppose I just never saw it like that.”
“Well, the point is that you’re a better Pokémon than you think, I guess. What, don’t you have friends who tell you that?” Why do I get the feeling the answer is about to be—
“Not really.”
…no. She has a pretty rough exterior, I guess. I’d imagine plenty of Pokémon wouldn’t bother to get past that rough exterior to see what she’s really like on the inside. Hell, I still feel like I’m only just barely glimpsing past the surface. I can’t help but feel like she’s so much more complex than anyone realizes. All you have to do is give her a chance, and she makes that clear eno—
“Were you expecting a different answer?”
“Ghuwaahh. No, I– well, I was hoping for a different answer, but I– I guess I can kinda seeeeee what you meeeaaannnn—” Don’t imply she seems like the type who’d have no friends! “—sssiiiinnncee you talked about being a loner kinda sorta I think you said that?”
“I said I prefer to work alone, yes.”
“Yeah! Yeah. You remember. That’s– yeah.”
“I can’t help but feel like you may have been about to imply something else.”
Shit. “Look, I– I just feel like plenty of Pokémon out there– it’s— you’re already a loner as it is, so– if— other Pokém—”
“Yes, I have autism. It’s rare other Pokémon can get past that part when trying to talk to me. The fact that you managed to is part of what got me interested in you in the first place.”
Interested??? “…Interested?”
“Interested in pursuing any of this.” She gestured at the general area.
“Interested in me?”
“You seem generally rather smart. At the very least, you seem capable of absorbing new information well. Not to mention you’re clearly smart enough to dig deeper past the surface of subjects… as you’ve done so with me. I can infer you study in just about the same way I do, no?”
“Uhh—”
“And we both clearly have different areas of expertise. You’re more socially adept, you know how to talk, you can ‘dumb things down’ and explain them to a laymon…”
“…I– yeah! I– I guess!” I stammered. Was I blushing? I hope not.
“Don’t you like the idea?”
“No! I– I— shit, no, I mean– I like it, I’m just— I didn’t expect all that right off the top.”
“I’m rather blunt, you’ll find.”
“I think I figured that out now…”
“See? You’re a quick learner.”
Great. Thanks.
“Not to mention it’s always nice to be seen with someone who’s attractive to garner more credibility. Much as I hate that’s the way the world is, that’s the way it seems to be.”
“Whuh??” Now I was definitely blushing.
“That’s you. You’re the pretty face, I’m the brains.”
“Y– yeah, I can do that…”
“Good. Now what say you we get started filling out that research proposal?” She sat up.
I blinked. I think I forgot where I was, for a moment there. “…Y– yeah. That sounds… workable.”
She chuckled. Pretty sure that was the first time I ever heard her show an involuntary emotion. Unless she was just laughing at me as a show of dominance… whuff. “Workable indeed. Do you need to borrow a pencil?”