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The last resort.
That's all he was.
Everyone picked who they wanted pretty damn quick.
And he had been so excited when he turned around to see Hyunjin had picked him.
But this video showed pretty clearly that he had moved to choose another member first.
Is he that ugly? That loud?
He's already the least biased member. He didn't expect to be the last person a member would choose too.
Hyunjin has already been getting annoyed with him off camera. And it was starting to leak into his demeanor near Changbin on camera. Is he starting to get bored of him? Is he being too much?
Is he a burden to Hyunjin?
Does he not like Changbin anymore?
Do any of the kids like Changbin anymore? Or is he only there because he's "the pillar"?
Everyone seemed dead set in their choices. And even if they didn't change roommates, everyone else was satisfied with the person they lived with.
Minho and Jisung are obviously happy together. Seungmin and Felix are as different as the sun and the moon, but it works perfectly for them. Jeongin and Chan won't shut up about getting to see each other naked constantly.
But Hyunjin spends more time with Chan and Seungmin or out with other friends than he does at home. Just like this video.
Jeongin was confident when he chose Minho. Felix went right back up to Seungmin. Jisung practically tackled Chan.
But Hyunjin moved towards Chan and Seungmin before sighing and turning to Changbin after they were chosen already.
He was the last to be chosen.
Correction.
He wasn't even chosen.
He was the last resort.
Who would want him anyway?
Changbin heard a door shut. It was far away, the front door. Probably Hyunjin leaving. Again.
His face was hot with tears. They gushed freely now that he was alone, letting out the choked sobs and whimpers he had been holding back.
His own embrace didn't even make him feel better anymore. He hugged himself so often it was starting to lose its touch. And now that he's alone in his shared house, knowing that everyone would rather hang out with someone else, his own typically warm and clammy hands did nothing to warm the chill lying under his skin.
He rolled into a ball, jostling his phone on his sheets and somehow starting the video again. He watched Hyunjin move away from him on loop.
He found himself back in his original position, legs criss-crossed, arms limp. Tears flowed slower now, as his heart slowly went numb.
His eyes started to hurt. He averted his eyes, coming across his nightstand. His pocket knife sat on it. Longing.
It was in his hand. The weight was oddly grounding.
The surface reflected Hyunjin leaving over and over again.
How ironic. How an emotional cut became a physical one.
How cruel.
"Hey hyung, I brought some..." Seungmin's sentence faded. What a fucking sight to be met with.
Changbin was sitting on his bed. He looked tiny in his oversized shirt. He looked sad.
His face was red and tear streaked. His eyes were red and puffy. But not as red as his wrist. And his sheets. And his phone, playing some video on loop.
A wave of nausea rushed over him. He was in front of Changbin before he even processed everything.
"Changbin, what the fuck?"
Changbin's eyes, normally deep and kind, were completely hollow.
He tried to assess the wound, but no matter how close he held Changbin's wrist, it wouldn't come into focus. His hands were shaking and his heartbeat was in his ears.
He leaned back over the bed to grab napkins from the takeout bag he brought. Changbin just sat there as he applied pressure to the cut.
Seungmin realized he was crying when spots of wetness appeared on the paper where there wasnt blood.
"Hyung.. what the fuck..." He was barely strong enough to speak. "Why would..." He couldn't get the sentence out before he fully broke down.
His forehead was dampened with blood. He couldn't care less.
"WHY?" Changbin stayed silent. Changbin stayed still.
Seungmin dropped his wrist to Changbin's lap, forehead still pressed to the wound, in favor of grabbing Changbin's upper arm.
He held him as close as possible. Nearly reverant, with the bowed position he sat in. He gripped his arm so hard it might bruise.
Why would Changbin try to leave him?
Did he do something wrong?
He heard the soft noise from Changbin's phone. The video was still looping. It was cheering.
Seungmin peeked under his arm at the half-bloodied screen.
The video was from their fanmeet. When they had chosen members who they might want to room with next.
Why was this playing?
It looped four times before Seungmin noticed.
Hyunjin moved away from Changbin.
"Hyung..?"
Changbin's eyes were still far off. But a single tear streaked down his cheek.
Seungmin held his wrist to keep pressure on the wound. He gripped Changbin by the nape, the way he had always held Seungmin. He shoved his head under Changbin's chin, effectively blocking Changbin's view of the phone.
"Hyung, please..." He curled closer. "I'm here, Changbin, please... I'm always here..."
He needed Changbin to come back. He needed him to know that he was with him. He needed him to know that he would never leave.
"Please, Changbin... I'm here... I'm here...."
An arm wrapped around Seungmin's head. He sobbed harder into Changbin's chest in relief, letting go of his clotting cut in favor of holding him closer. He shifted until it was physically impossible to be closer, until it felt like he could merge into Changbin's body.
"Seungmin...."
It was barely a whisper, barely even a breath, but Seungmin heard it. He wrapped himself completely around Changbin, knocking him to his back. Seungmin's fingers folded into fists, clutching so tightly he might have left nail marks in his own palms if it weren't for the presence of Changbin's shirt in his grip. He couldn't breathe.
Changbin's fingers threaded through his hair and gripped the strands softly. His other arm draped over Seungmin's back, holding him tighter around the waist. He pressed his face to the top of Seungmin's head.
"I'm sorry..."
"Why would you do this?" He was just as tender with his voice as he was with his hands, gently wrapping a bandage around Changbin's wrist. He had helped Changbin into the bathroom to clean him up.
Changbin stayed silent. At the end of the wrap, Seungmin looked up.
"Hey," his hand cupped Changbin's cheek, thumb gently sweeping under his eye. "What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"
Changbin still kept silent for a few moments. Then he inhaled.
"Hyunjin left me." His voice was rough from crying.
Seungmin's heart ached. He tilted his head. He knew he was referencing the way Hyunjin had moved to choose another member.
"No one chose me."
Seungmin felt his chest tighten.
"I chose you."
Changbin shook his head. It was barely noticable.
"You have Felix."
Seungmin felt like he'd been stabbed.
"Hyung." Changbin's eyes stayed plastered to the wall. "Changbin, look at me."
Changbin's eyes weakly flicked up. The gentle kindness was back, but the sparkle was still gone. He looked sad.
"I chose you." He swept his thumb under Changbin's eye again, this time catching a tear. "I'm here. I chose you. I choose you. If I wasn't part of your group, I would've gone straight to you. I probably would've made a joke about how I'd get to pester you more." This earned a small smile and humored huff from Changbin. Tears welled up in Seungmin's eyes again. "Hyung, don't ever think we don't like you. We all do."
Changbin's smile faded. He averted his eyes. "Except Hyunjin."
The knife drove deeper into Seungmin's chest.
"Hyunjin adores you, hyung. Do you not see the way he looks at you?"
"I see the way he looks at you. I see all the time he spends with you. With Chan. I see the way he looks at me. I annoy him. He hates me."
A sad clarity came across Seungmin's mind. "Changbin, don't say that. Hyunjin loves you. So he doesn't spend all his time with you? He still lives with you. Half of our conversations are about you. You had that one moment on loop, did you even notice the stars in his eyes when you started being goofy when you turned around?" Changbin wouldn't look at him. He sighed, unsure of how to convince a man so stubborn out of this rare negative spiral.
"Changbin. I don't expect you to believe me right now. We both know how Hyunjin really feels about you, but in this state I don't know how to convince you of that-"
"Did you not see the disdain in his eyes when he had to choose me?" His voice was completely broken. Seungmin couldn't stop the tears. "How he wouldn't look at me when we were doing the situp relay? The look of disgust when he had to kiss my hand?"
There really was no way to make him see. Heat welled in Seungmin's chest. It wasn't an appropriate emotion for the moment. By any means. But Seungmin was getting upset.
"He's barely been home for weeks-"
"FUCK HYUNJIN!" Changbin startled, looking up at him with wide eyes. The shimmer was back, although only because they were filled with tears. "Fuck Hyunjin, for what he did to you! Fuck Hyunjin, for what he did or didn't do. Just fuck him! Because right now, in this moment, I am here. I am with you. I am choosing you, I am holding you, I am looking at you like you hung the goddamn stars because you did."
Tears dripped from Seungmin's chin onto the bandages, where he clutched Changbin's wrist with both hands like a lifeline.
"Changbin, I love you. I've always loved you. From when we were trainees and you would buy me ice cream after dance practice to now, when we're on a stage in front of millions of people screaming our names, and all I can see is YOU."
Changbin blinked.
"I ADORE you, Changbin. How bright your smile gets when you're performing. How heated you get when I poke you in the side. How hard you work in every single thing you do. How your lips pout when you focus. How your eyes sparkle when you randomly do girl group choreography to make us laugh. God, even down to the way you EAT, I adore you.
"I spend so much time with you because I WANT to, Changbin. I tease you because I want your attention. I go to you when I'm bored because you always make life fun. I talk to you when I have something on my mind because I trust you with my life. I'm here tonight because I wanted to hang out with you and watch our show.
"I choose you, Changbin, I always have. I always will. Don't you EVER think that some stupid game that didn't even represent our choices fairly determines your worth in the team. And don't you EVER think that no one chose you, because I would choose you over and over again. I'll choose you for every time that video looped, I'll choose you for every negative thought you have about yourself, I'll choose you for every bad comment someone makes about you. I'll choose you in the good days and the bad -- dammit Changbin, I choose you."
Changbin dug his other wrist into his eyes in an attempt to stop up the freely flowing rivers on his cheeks. Seungmin shot forward, enveloping Changbin's chest with his arms. The force almost toppled them both over, but Changbin's back hit the vanity. Seungmin leaned back and used an arm against the vanity to push them back into sitting, all the while smiling at the little giggles Changbin let out.
"I love you, too, Seungmin." Seungmin beamed, holding Changbin by both sides of the head, and pressed their foreheads together. Changbin wrapped his arms around Seungmin and curled into his neck. The pit in Seungmin's chest lifted, and he let out a sob of relief as he returned the embrace.
They sat together into the late hours of the night, weeping into each other's hair.
Seungmin didn't let go when he led Changbin back to the bed.
Seungmin didn't leave when Changbin fell asleep.
Seungmin declined a call from Felix the next morning.
Seungmin chose him.
And finally, Changbin felt loved.