Chapter Text
Ben stepped outside of Darius’s cabin, running his hand along the rough wooden railing and thumping down the steps. The sky was grey, and there was a thickness in the air that made him think it might rain. He noticed a splinter in his calloused hand when he reached the grass, and thought about how he’d never even touch that railing less than a decade ago. When he looked up from his hand, he saw Kenji, sitting cross-legged in front of the smoking campfire. His shoulders tensed, knowing what he was likely thinking. Brooklyn had a new partner, and even though Kenji let go of his feelings for her long ago, he was taking it hard. Ben slowly approached him, and without much thought he began to speak.
“You regret it, don’t you?” Ben murmured. He wasn't sure if it was the right decision, but he wanted Kenji to be okay. He was one of his best friends, after all.
Kenji jumped, startled by the taller man behind him. He cleared his throat nervously, before speaking.
“Regret? What? Jeez Ben, warn someone before appearing behind them!” Kenji chuckled at him, but as he spoke he was shifting uncomfortably on the ground.
“You know, Kenj.” Ben reasoned, as he crouched down and sat next to him with a grunt. Kenji looked at him, before quickly looking down and sighing quietly.
“I don’t... Regret anything.” He was clearly going to say know, but he knew Ben was too smart for him to say that. He held down a crack in his voice, and his eyes grew glossy with tears.
“Kenji. Talk to me.” Ben reassured, putting a hand on his shoulder. He jolted, to Ben's surprise.
“I don’t regret anything! I am.. Nothing but happy for her.” His voice broke. He turned away, his fists clenched. But he was lying. He didn’t think he would care, but oh, he cared. He cared that when it was him, she couldn’t listen. When it was HIM, she shrugged off every gesture, every attempt at something serious. Something real. But now? Now she was happier than she’d ever been, after doing all of the things she swore she couldn’t do, for somebody else. He didn't even love her in that burning way anymore, he just desperately wanted to know; Why?
“Was I not good enough?” He whispered.
“Kenji don’t say that.” Ben spoke firmly back.
He hadn’t realized he begun talking out loud until he saw Ben’s worried face. His eyes were glossy too. Why was Ben crying over him? Of all the things he could be worried about, he chose him to tear up over. He felt his fists tighten, as well as his throat.
“Of course you were enough. It isn’t all your fault what happened, you know. I can’t say I know what it’s like to…” Ben trailed off, fidgeting with a loose string on his jeans pant leg. “Anyways, just- regardless of how you feel now, how she feels now- you didn’t do anything wrong.”
Kenji stayed quiet, but before Ben could give him any more advice, he practically jumped to hug Ben. At the same time, a sheet of cool rain began to fall. The sound of harsh pattering on the earth floor and the sizzle of the fire almost masking Kenji's sobs.
“Woah! Kenj- Hey, hey… Kenj” Ben sputtered, before relaxing, and rubbing a hand across Kenji’s back. He let him cry into his shoulder for a while, breathing in the smell of smoke on his clothes. "I'm here for you" He consoled.
"Thanks, Ben.." Kenji whispered into his shoulder gruffly.
"Of course... I've got you." Ben breathed.
And then, he woke up.
Ben turned in his sheets, glancing at his alarm clock, and then at the ceiling. This was the third night in a row he'd dreamt about that afternoon with Kenji. That night, and...
He shook away the memories of his own body growing cold in Kenji's arms.
He slid off the bed with a groan, and put on his slippers, then, grabbed his robe from a hook on his door and slid that on too. He walked out of his room sluggishly, and headed towards the dining room. Gia was waiting for him with breakfast on the table.
"Good morning, Benissimo. I made cornettos, and there's coffee brewing." Gia offered, putting a hand on Ben's shoulder. He smiled softly.
"Grazie, Gia." He murmured before grabbing a mug to fill with coffee.
Ben had been distant with Gia since his heart had stopped and started. He didn't want to be, she didn't deserve that. But something shifted in him then, something he pretended he had forgotten about a long time ago. Images of Kenji holding him at his lowest rushed vaguely through his mind once more, but when the coffee maker beeped to signal its completion he was able to ignore it again.
He was going to see him later that day. The whole gang is heading to the aquarium. He smiles to himself as he thinks of them all. His best friends.
"Excited about the trip later?" Gia cooed. "It is going to be so fun!"
"Of course! I miss them all a lot." Ben answered. And it was true, he missed them all. But one face in particular stained his eyes like a bright light he couldn't forget.
"You saw them a week ago.. But, I miss them too. Sammy was teaching me a recipe I can try! I hope she can finish explaining it while we're there-" Gia effused. Ben was listening, nodding. But he was distracted. He wondered what Kenji would wear. He wondered if he'd use the same cologne he wore last time, that was too strong. He wondered if he'd hug him when he saw him. Of course he would. They always hug, the whole gang does. That thought made him glad.
"Hey, are you okay, Ben?" Gia quizzed. She looked worried, anxious lines framing her face.
"Oh! Yes- I'm, sorry Gia. Spaced out. Didn't sleep enough, maybe. But I hope Sammy tells you the rest of the recipe!" Ben rushed. He felt awful. He loved Gia. He loves Gia. It's just...
"Oh, okay. I'm gonna go get my things ready, I'll see you when we leave.." She muttered, quickly stepping away.
Shit, Ben thought to himself. He didn't want to upset her, he wanted anything but that. He finished his food, and debated following her. He chose not to, because frankly, he didn't know what he would say. He went back to his room, grabbing some clothes he felt suited the aquarium. Blue sweatshirt, grey jeans, and his beanie on top. He then brushed his teeth, and grabbed his bag, swinging it over his shoulder. It was time to go.