Chapter Text
Jay could deny it no longer — Matt was a fag. He'd tried to kiss Jay too many times now for Jay to keep excusing his behavior as being drunk or innocent.
He'd just put a stumbling, wasted Matt to sleep. Now he was lying awake in his own bed and turning the night over in his mind.
They'd been out celebrating because Matt had competed in a Magic: the Gathering tournament. He hadn't even won—he'd just not finished in last place—but he had been so excited he'd taken his brother to a bar down the street, calling Jay on the walk over and demanding he come out and join them. Jay had been kind of comfortable at home—in sweatpants and playing GoldenEye—but Matt had sounded so ecstatic that Jay just couldn't let him down. He was always letting Matt drag him around, but that was one of the core tenants of their relationship. Jay didn't really mind.
The beers had been cheap, and they'd lost count of how many they'd had by the time the bar was closing down. Jay was glad Matt had been having such a good time, but he would have died from embarrassment if they were still around by the time the bar turned the lights on, so he'd made them leave. Matt's brother had disappeared at some point, so they'd stumbled down the street by themselves, Matt's arm slung comfortably around Jay's shoulders as they duetted the last song they'd heard over the speakers.
Jay had looked up at the sky, the moon full and bright, and when he'd turned back to Matt, he'd found his best friend grinning up at him all dreamy and reverent. It was a look charged with something, but before Jay could figure out just what that something was, Matt had surged forward, lips first, aimed right at Jay's face.
"Augh! Matt!" Jay had recoiled from the sudden motion, so Matt's face collided with his shoulder. "Come on, man!" He'd pushed Matt off, not roughly but firmly, and had let himself chalk the affront up to alcohol and celebratory adrenaline. He'd ignored how jittery it had left him— surely that was just the beer in his own system.
But then Matt had looked up at him, expression so dejected and heartbroken that it had hurt Jay's own heart. "It's fine, man. Just— c'mere," he'd consoled, and then it had been his turn to be the one with his arm around Matt's shoulders, pulling him close to his side all the way home.
He'd sent Matt off to bed with a "don't worry about it, man. I'll see you tomorrow," and then clambered into his own bed to stare at the ceiling and think.
This was the third time in their lives that Matt had tried to kiss him.
The first was when they were in high school. Matt had insisted that they practice kissing each other so they would be experienced by the time they got girlfriends. A fifteen-year-old Jay had let a fifteen-year-old Matt get so close that their noses brushed before getting a weird feeling in his stomach and pushing Matt away. He'd gone home soon after.
The second time Matt had tried to kiss him was when Jay had come back from his first semester of college for winter break. Matt had been so excited to see him that he'd wrapped Jay in a big hug and just gone for it. Jay had turned his head to the side and Matt had ended up planting a kiss on his cheek, making a loud mwah! sound as he did so. Matt had been undeterred, staring right into Jay's eyes and beaming, "I missed you so much!" and it had made Jay's mouth go dry and his heart skip a beat, so he'd let the kiss slide. Just a comically loud, welcome back kiss between best friends. That was normal, right?
But now, tonight, this hadn't for practice or for a reunion, had it? He'd seen the way Matt had looked at him. With love in his eyes. Matt had wanted to kiss him under the stars.
Under the stars. That made Jay's stomach go all weird again. It sounded so romantic when he put it like that. But that's what had happened, wasn't it?
Even though he was alone, Jay flushed and pulled the covers up past his face. He was acutely aware that Matt was just down the hall. God, this was all complicated. He never thought he would have to think about this. Why did Matt have to go and make things so weird?
Jay wanted to pace, wanted to go downstairs and play his anxieties out on the piano. Instead, he sat up in bed, took a sip of water, and tried to collect himself. He started with the facts.
First: Matt was gay. This, actually… well. Now that Jay was really, honestly, thinking about it? It was actually surprisingly easy to wrap his head around. Now that he mentioned it, Matt didn't really have much interest in girls. He'd always been more invested in their band. In movies, video games, Magic: the Gathering— truly anything else besides women. Jay laughed to himself a little, thinking about how Matt would probably rather watch The Truman Show on a loop than go on a date with a girl. At least his crush on Harrison Ford made more sense now.
With that sorted, he moved on to the second and more important fact: Matt was in love with him. Just the thought made his heart speed up. What was Jay supposed to do about something like that? He should be running for the hills… right? Living with a fag was not a good look for him, especially one who's into him. (Would girls even want to come home with him any more?) But… he couldn't just up and leave Matt like that. No way— not his best friend. Besides, where would he go? And if Matt did something stupid and rash because Jay left again, he didn't know how he would be able to live with himself.
So, no. He wouldn't leave Matt. What a stupid thought. Jay was ashamed it even popped into his head in the first place.
He took another sip of water. Where was he? Right. Matt. In love with him. But Jay knew he wasn't in love with Matt. Not like that, at least. He liked women! He had sex with them all the time! Had been having sex with them since he was seventeen! He couldn't be into men. That's not how it worked. He'd never thought about hooking up with a man once in his life.
Just how long had Matt been into him anyway? Since that practice kiss in high school? Since before? How could Jay have missed all the signs? He felt dizzy. He shook out his hands. He thought about Matt, about their life together, and started looking back on things in a new light.
Matt had always been touchy-feely with him. He'd always been a touchy-feely guy— more so than most men, but that was just one more thing that made Matt himself. Sometimes he'd cross a line—hugging too long or getting too handsy when excited—all big displays of public affection that just screamed gay to the world and made Jay's face burn. Guess that made more sense now, too. But, Jay didn't mind the little things. He liked wrestling to settle an argument, or when they sat close together during Mario Kart tourneys so they could push at and sabotage each other. He didn't mind sitting thigh-to-thigh with Matt during movie nights, brushing hands in their shared bowl of popcorn. He liked Matt slinging an arm around his shoulders the best, though. He knew Matt was possessive and prone to jealousy—knew that his arm around Jay was Matt's way of marking his territory, but it made Jay feel special. He felt safe under Matt's arm. He'd follow Matt anywhere if his arm was around him. He knew he wasn't this comfortable around anyone else.
So… now what? Matt was into him but Jay wasn't into Matt, but he's also not leaving Matt. He turned this over in his mind. If he couldn't give Matt what he needed romantically, maybe Jay could throw him a bone or two every once in a while: let Matt lead him by the hand through a crowd or press up against him in a busy streetcar. Maybe little things like that would be enough until Matt got over this crush and moved on. And in the meantime Jay could keep playing the piano and they could keep trying to book a show at the Rivoli. They'd stick to their status quo.
It sounded easy enough, right?