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“Shit,” he mumbles.
In retrospect, Mischa had probably fucked up the whole day and night.
That's the mindset that started haunting him the second he stepped foot in Canada for the first time. The boy knew he was done for the moment his - for lack of a better term - legal guardians threw him down that dingy basement alongside his bag of limited souvenirs from home.
Freshly sixteen years old, still teary eyed from his mother’s untimely passing, and already the worst thing the town had witnessed since they shut down the old mines.
That same mindset relentlessly pounds at his brain as he anxiously makes his way to Noel's house at ten o'clock on a school night.
He really should have come earlier. Days are getting shorter.
Mischa thinks Noel is the one person Uranium might despise more than him. It’s part of the reason why he feels so desperate to apologise. Mischa can’t allow himself to let the poor boy drown in his melancholy any longer.
Usually, he blocks his own from taking over with music - the one thing that keeps him relatively sane - but tonight...
Tonight, like most nights, Uranium sleeps like a corpse, and Mischa can very much relate to the corpse part, so he makes his way down the street, silence uncomfortably blaring in his ears - the only other noise being the occasional bird squawk.
Death.
His mother had given him that first bitter taste, those couple of years ago.
Mischa never could have guessed that it would become so irrelevant. How did a teenager surrounded by death his entire childhood manage to cheat his way out of it?
So ironic, that he now almost wishes the accident had killed him. He wouldn’t have to deal with this.
His footsteps echo below him. He grits his teeth at how fucking cold it is outside. It's only September, yet he wants to hurl himself at full force into an active volcano.
He knows mistakes like the back of his hand, and this is surely one of them. They all start insignificant, as small as a seed - yet, before he knows it, thorns are stabbing at his fingertips, and he can’t stop the bleeding.
Noel is one beautiful rose, that much he knows.
Technically speaking, this one in particular is all her fault.
The first day Mischa had come to choir practice was near the beginning of grade twelve - right after Ocean, rather upset, had paid him twenty dollars to participate. He was standing in the room’s doorframe when he noticed Penny’s eerie, piercing gaze.
Mischa is certain that the girl can see through his soul. Even in death, those dark doll eyes always seemed like they knew more than she let on. They might be the colour of mint now, but his opinion still stands. Penny is spooky as fuck.
Although, after what happened earlier tonight, he admittedly finds her pretty interesting.
When Karnak had turned back time, Penny woke up with zero memory of the accident and the afterlife - until he straight up possessed her or some shit. She was fine after that, except for some lingering pain.
Mischa thinks that Penny's a real badass - what with her parents being in prison, her having to take care of her little brother alone, and facing a brutal death and resuscitation - all that trouble in the span of half a semester must have taken a real toll on her, no matter how goofy the mask she puts on is.
Penny reminds Mischa of himself, even if she’s still a tad creepy. Both of them are experts in deflecting. Her, with her funny remarks, and Mischa, with his Youtube channel and vulgar song lyrics.
But he wonders...
What went on in Penny’s mind, when he practically threw his phone off the table at practice this morning?
It was probably obvious to her then, what he had done.
Talia.
Hell, it was probably obvious to every member present.
Fuck. I blocked Talia.
And now he stands to the side of Noel's house, trying to decipher which of these windows leads to his bedroom and trying not to look like an absolute creep to any possible bystander.
What am I doing?
Mischa had seen her messages pop up earlier in the afternoon.
He still hasn't opened them. He doesn’t think he should.
How am I supposed to explain?
With shaky hands, he had rapidly tapped the block button.
How am I supposed to explain that I died? That I die one day from now? That I realised how deeply I feel for the cynical boy from my choir?
Mischa can’t make sense of it himself. It all went by so fast.
Talia is meant to be his escape from Uranium - a goal to set his mind to. If she isn’t a part of his life anymore, what chance does Mischa have of getting out of this shithole?
He’s not meant to be here. This isn’t how his life is supposed to go, trapped in a dead-end town with these dead-end people.
He’s better. He has to be better than this.
Noel dreams of moving to France.
He tries to shake the thought away, but it won’t budge.
Shit, shit, shit.
Mischa isn’t supposed to get attached - he promised himself that - but with Noel, he finds himself chained to the ground and unable to free himself.
What is it about this boy that makes Mischa think that he might be okay here?
Breaking into that warehouse with his choir was the most fun he’s had in ages. It made him forget about Talia, Ukraine, his mother, and everything for just one night.
For one night, there was no escape, and Mischa hated how he almost enjoyed it.
He lets out a noise akin to a growl under his breath.
And, sure, he broke some dude’s nose, but it was worth it. So, so worth it.
Because you were there with me. I had to do it to protect us. Our choir.
Why didn’t I tell you how I feel? Why did I leave you hanging, right after kissing you?
Mischa spots a lean shadow moving against one of the windows, pacing in circles.
“Ah. There he is,” he mumbles. “Simple.”
He bends down to try and pick up a small rock from the grass. It’s dark, and he can’t see much, but eventually his hands brush against a pebble.
“How does this go, in the movies? I just throw it?”
Clink goes the pebble against Noel’s window.
To both his delight and alarm, Noel does in fact hear it. He’s drawn out of his pacing ritual, and comes closer to the window to investigate the sound.
When Noel sees Mischa standing at the foot of his house like a lost puppy, he flinches. He quickly looks behind him, then opens the window.
“Mischa, oh my god. What are you doing here?” Noel asks, his words almost a whisper.
“Yo, Noel. I have to talk to you. Couldn’t wait.” Mischa greets in what he assumes is a nonchalant voice.
“We have school tomorrow, and my mom is literally sleeping three rooms over. Are you serious?” His gut twists at Noel’s tone.
I have to do this. No matter the consequence.
I’m not going to try to run away anymore.
Because I can’t.
“Yes, I am serious! Open your window!” Mischa insists.
For a second, he thinks that Noel won’t do it. That he’ll close the window and shut him out for good, just like Mischa did today. He wouldn’t blame him at all. It’s what he deserves, really.
But Noel lets him in. “Fine. Just… sneak into my house like a fucking stalker. Jesus, Mischa,” he mutters.
It takes a bit of effort, and Noel has to drag him in by the wrists, but a moment later he’s on his feet in Noel’s small room, taking the atmosphere in.
The space is covered wall to wall with monochrome posters of celebrities Mischa doesn’t recognize, save for one of them. It reads Marlene Dietrich at the bottom. The woman in question is dressed in a tuxedo, and holding a cigar. He remembers Noel talking about one of her films when they were in purgatory.
No wonder he idolises her - she is quite snazzy.
That’s when Mischa realises why the Saint Cassian’s printer room is perpetually locked.
“Oh! That’s why printer room at school is closed? You keep stealing paper and ink for this?” Mischa vaguely gestures at the walls. “All the dead women?”
Noel huffs a dry laugh. “They’re not all dead, but yeah. Unfortunately, our lovely Father Marcus caught me, and that was the end of that.” He rolls his eyes. “Connie lets me use hers sometimes though, bless her soul.”
The floor of Noel’s bedroom is covered in old sweaters, socks, and all sorts of miscellaneous trash. Mischa wonders how long they’ve been there. He thinks that maybe, if Noel forgives him, he might let Mischa help clean it up a bit one day.
Mischa misses having his own room.
“So, are you here to snoop around and admire my beautiful decor, or did you actually want to talk to me?”
Mischa is snapped back to reality. He clears his throat. “...Yes.”
Noel impatiently taps his fingers on the windowsill. “Okay. Well, go ahead.”
As much as Mischa despises Ocean, he has never wished to be her more than in this moment. She would absolutely have a speech for this situation. A bad, ridiculously condescending one, but a speech nonetheless.
Shit. Where do I start?
“I-”
“Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” Noel cuts Mischa off before he can talk. “I mean, sure, you beat the shit out of that guy, and I appreciate the gesture, but that doesn’t really… We had all day, and you just…. Did weird cryptic shit instead.”
A beat passes between them.
“I blocked Talia.” Mischa finally says.
Noel’s eyes are wide. “Wha- what?” He sputters. “Why would you do that? Weren’t you planning to…”
“Fuck, maybe a bad thing to start with. Listen,” Mischa continues before Noel can stop him.
“I am not good at face-to-face conversation. I usually put my emotions in rap lyrics and on the internet, you know this.”
Noel slowly nods, arms crossed. “Uh huh.”
“But I come here to apologise to you, at stupid late time, because I fucked up real bad. We made out in purgatory-limbo-thing and I never bring it up again.”
Noel’s face flushes at Mischa’s words, and he brings his palm to his face. “Ugh… It’s… it’s not like I brought it up either.”
“But I was leading you on,” Mischa says. “And that was super fucked up of me. Because I had Talia, and you knew I had Talia.”
“But I don’t anymore, never did. I guess what I am trying to say is I realised I never really loved Talia the way I was supposed to. Sure, we had good talks together, and she is my best internet friend, but really, I think I just wanted to go home. I latch onto the first Ukrainian person I saw that commented on my Youtube channel.”
“And then we died and I was just so angry that I couldn't talk to her or plan to go home anymore, so I sing about her in the afterlife.”
“But I was not singing about her. I was singing about my country. It was never about Talia. How could it be when we kissed right before? When I felt so much passion with you?”
Mischa steps forward, and Noel has to slightly tilt his head upward to look at him.
“I want to leave Uranium a lot. For reals. Because town is a shithole, and we all know it. But I cannot keep pretending I don't have fun here too just because most of it sucks. Spending time with you is totally mad wicked, Noel. It took stupid memory loss road trip to make me figure that out.”
“I was so trapped in my anger about home I couldn't see how much I actually liked being in the choir. How much I actually liked being with you, Noel.”
Mischa puts his hands on Noel’s shoulder, whose eyes shine with unshed tears.
“We are stuck in Uranium, but we are stuck together. I believe that one day, you will go to France to write novel and I will go back to Ukraine, but for now, we have to enjoy life and have fun - even if fun is just smoking cigarettes on roof of school and fucking around in class to annoy Ocean.”
“So yes, Noel, I am sorry.”
Tension hangs in the atmosphere, and Mischa has to catch his breath from talking so much.
Noel is awestruck for a moment, barely registering Mischa’s hand on his shoulder. He opens his mouth, closes it, then opens it again to finally say:
“I… I think that’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. Oh my god.”
“It was not so bad?” Mischa asks, voice smaller.
“It was really…” Noel trails off. “Fuck, can I just - can I just kiss you or something?”
And he does.
And Mischa has never felt more at home, despite everything.
Kissing Noel is romantic, it’s passionate. It’s a new chance at life, and it’s everything Mischa thought he would never find here.
The two boys part before they run out of oxygen. Mischa leans in again, but Noel seems to remember something, and stops him.
“Hold on. Before we keep going, you have to do something for me,” he says.
Mischa finds himself prepared for anything at this point. He would nuke Uranium to smithereens just for this boy. He would beat up Ocean, he would-
“Apologise to Talia,” Noel asks. “Please? She’s probably worried sick.”
Oh shit. Talia!
“Ah, of course.” Mischa says, chuckling nervously. “I should probably unblock her. She must be quite confused.”
“She might not forgive you, Misch.” Noel worriedly says, and Mischa knows he might be right.
Mischa squares his shoulders, and dramatically puffs out his chest. “I will try anyway. I am man of truth now, no? Love conquers all, that is what you said.”
Noel sighs. “Whatever you say, big guy.”
-
@BAD_EGG has unblocked @taliabolinska
@taliabolinska : Mischa, what happened? I was so worried all night :(
@BAD_EGG : i am sorry talia from the bottom of my heart
@BAD_EGG : there is something on my mind and i must tell you
@taliabolinska : Did your “parents” do something again??? Are you in trouble
@BAD_EGG : i have a boyfriend now. the boy from my choir. i am bisexual
@BAD_EGG : this must come as a shock and i do not blame you if you block me like i did to you. i needed a moment to figure myself out and i did
@taliabolinska : Wait
@taliabolinska : Noel???? Omg honestly I kind of had a feeling since you talk about him so often. Mischa it’s fine. We’ve only been dating a month, lol. You’re still my best friend if you’re worried about that.
@BAD_EGG : what
@BAD_EGG : you knew for reals
@BAD_EGG : talia come back this is cliffhanger what do you mean i talk about him
@taliabolinska : I have to get ready for school right now. Talk to you later :)
@BAD_EGG : i do not talk about him
@BAD_EGG : TALIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!