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sometimes, all you can do is wait.
and that's what you're doing. waiting. waiting and waiting -- it's a bore, really, especially when all you want to do is go. just say, "fuck it." and go for it.
in the right state of mind, that's a bad idea. even when you're itching to do something and it feels as if your hands are moving on their own, mouth forming unwanted words-
an alarmed glint in saeran's eyes stop you. you know he's trying. and he knows you know, but even so, he tries harder. his whole life was yanked from him -- first, his childhood, then mint-eye? the real world takes a while to get used to. you don't blame him for the cautious approach he takes on everything.
you don't want to scare him. you can't mention that, fear an upset pout and a, "you don't scare me; look at you." but you can tell you do sometimes. your affection scares him. saeyoung's, not so much; after he forgave him, they settled back in the comfortable, familiar setting of their childhood, minus the abusive mother and violent home life. whenever saeyoung is affectionate, saeran is cynical, all rolling eyes and suppressed smiles.
you can't tell if he has feelings for you. he's a bundle of confusion, a mask, and you don't know if he acknowledges or reciprocates your feelings. you'd like to believe his brows furrow ever so slightly when he walks in on you and saeyoung doing something close. you'd like to believe he shoots second glances and stares when he thinks you're not looking, just like you imagine him doing out of your peripheral. but that's just wishful thinking on your part.
even if he does worry about you and saeyoung, he doesn't have to. saeyoung and yourself? you laugh at the thought of something romantic between you two. maybe earlier, when you'd just joined the RFA, something might've happened. the two of you flirted up a storm. the other members talked and teased -- but after a while, the romantic aspect of it fizzled out into a strong friendship. now, you're extremely close, going so far as to live together -- you often act like an old married couple, bickering and teaming up to prank the other members, even going so far as cuddling on the couch during your weekly movie nights. saeran hasn't become comfortable enough to join you yet, but he sits in for a few minutes at a time. it's more you and saeyoung narrating and making fun of the movie than actually watching it, and saeran has yet to utter a remark.
you wish saeran would join you. that he'd sit next to you, so you were in between both brothers, blankets tangled with legs. you wish you could rest your head on his shoulder and just. lay there.
peaceful.
like now. on the large tv screen in your living room plays the babadook. even if saeyoung never had a taste for horror movies, you love them, so he's watching it for you. nestled between his legs is a large bowl of a mix between popcorn and kettlecorn.
the movie is just reaching the scary parts, which is leading saeyoung to mock the bits. he's making fun of the book, movie stopped, when saeran walks into the room. at his entrance, saeyoung pauses the conversation. the two of you turn to look at him.
saeran stops in his tracks. "oh. i - uh, i can leave," he says, voice soft. "i forgot it's friday." as he's turning, you clear your throat, desperation clawing its way to your surface.
"n-no, wait-!" you call a little too quickly. "why don't you, um, join us?" you can feel saeyoung smirk behind you. of course he knows about your hopeless crush on his twin brother. he's been trying to set you two up for weeks.
saeran faces you, cheeks tinged pink. he wrings his hands, hesitating, before muttering, "okay."
your eyes follow him as he walks to the couch, slow, and you try not to stare as he lowers himself to the spot on your other side. you move away from saeyoung so you're evenly spaced between both boys. then, you move the bowl to your lap. saeran blinks, his brows furrowing ever so slightly at your actions.
"so you can have some, too," you smile. turning to the tv again, you wait for saeyoung to press play.
he doesn't. instead of hitting play, saeyoung yawns (it's fake, you note with disgust), stretching his arms. "well, i don't know about you guys, but i'm beat," he flips the blanket over so instead of covering you and him, it's covering you and saeran. he stands, a grin ghosting his lips. "tell me what happens! i'll be expecting a full report from both of you so you both have to finish it. besides, i know you scare easily. saeran, you have to be the protector! night," he salutes you two, then does a weird hop/run/highknee combo down the hall. you hear the door close.
there's an awkward silence. you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. you clear your throat again. "so..." you trail off.
saeran chews on his lower lip. you force away your thought of, 'i could chew on that for you,' as soon as he opens his mouth to speak. "i don't want to watch this," he murmurs, "but i don't know what else to do." shooting you a side glance, he asks, "do you really scare that easily?"
"of course not," you snap, silently cursing saeyoung. "um, we could just talk?" the attempt at not saying it too eagerly is pretty successful, in your opinion. he meets your gaze with his pretty green eyes.
"...okay."
well. now you don't know what to talk about. you sit there in silence for a couple minutes before you say, "well. i. um. don't know. what to talk about."
he chuckles. "it's fine. i don't really know what to talk about, either."
you sit up, an idea popping into your mind. "right! how are you liking the RFA so far?"
"o-oh. it's fine, i guess," he pauses. "everyone is really nice and it's... weird. i'm not used to it."
you smile. "everyone is really nice. they accepted me, a total stranger, really quickly. i knew they'd accept you quickly, too, 'cuz you're saeyoung's brother."
"i... didn't expect them to. i killed v, and i was a part of mint-eye. i could've killed you..." he shudders. "i don't know what i would've done if i'd killed you. i wouldn't be the same. even if i've killed people before, killing you felt... different, somehow."
"i'm not mad at you for what you did, saeran," you tell him gently. "you were brainwashed."
"but i'm okay now."
"yeah," you beam. "yeah. you are." hesitating, you rest your hand on top of his and wonder if he can hear your rapid, thumping heart. "i... haven't thanked you."
"th-thanked me?"
"for being unknown. choosing me. i never would've met these guys - and you, if you hadn't. why - why me, though?"
saeran looks nervous now. well, more nervous than he did before, anyway. "w-well. um. you just seemed - seemed right. i, uh, knew you were going through a rough time. and i figured, after, i could take you to paradise and make you better. and, um, i thought you were cute," he rushes the last part. you feel your cheeks turn red, and that familiar rotting in your chest blooms.
"you thought i was cute?" you ask, voice soft. saeran messes with the hem of the blanket.
"y-yeah. i, um, still do." shyly, he looks at you, as if to gauge your reaction. when he sees you trying not to smile, he drops the blanket. "oh, no. do you - do you not like me back? saeyoung said you did - oh, i shouldn't have trusted him-"
flattered, and VERY nervous, you laugh, shaking your head. "saeran!" you grab his hands, forcing him to look at you. "no, i - i do like you. i like you a lot. like, a lot." you bite your lip, looking down. "i thought you didn't like me."
saeran's hands twitch. he shakes his head, red hair falling into his eyes. "i think you're beautiful," he says awkwardly. "and, i don't know how to do this - i've never done anything like this before. but, um-"
"can i - can i kiss you?" you interrupt. roses bloom underneath his pretty porcelain skin and he nods.
you sit up on your knees, forgetting about the popcorn and knocking it to the floor where it scatters everywhere. paying no attention, you reach up to grab both sides of his face and slowly pull it towards yours.
once your lips meet, bombs drop in your stomach. fireworks crack, your entire body is screaming. he tastes like pineapple (so that's where it disappeared to, you think) and - is that vanilla chapstick? that whore stole your chapstick. you swore you left it on the counter yesterday.
your hands slide up from his face to tangle in his red curls, just as one arm snakes around the back of your neck, the other pressing against the back of your head. you tug gently at his hair and he arches his back, pressing himself into you.
you laugh after a few seconds, breaking away. saeran's flushed, blinking a lot. he's stammering more than usual.
you feel your cheeks warm. "i - that was, um - fuck."
"that was really nice," saeran mutters, his voice low. "i want to do it again."
"me, too-" this time, he's the initiator, pushing you closer, fingers gripping at your waist and shoulder and now he's pulling at your hair - you sigh (or maybe moan a little, which is embarrassing), clenching the neck of his sweater in your fists as your lips move in sync.
he pulls your bottom lip through his teeth and you swoon, moving to drape your arms around his neck. he pulls away after a couple minutes and oh, yeah, oxygen is a thing.
but you're both panting and you're panting together, swollen lips and all. before either of you move to go back in, he grins, glancing at the tv.
"i guess saeyoung won't ever find out what happens," he giggles under his breath.
you roll your eyes. "please. he's probably watching it in his room as we speak."
saeran shrugs, and you take that as an invitation to kiss him again. just before your mouths meet, there's a faint shriek from down the hall. saeyoung's voice, barely audible, reaches your ears.
"no! not the dog, you bitch!"