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His dignity was gone.
At first it struck him with a never ending headache, both physically and metaphorically. He never heard of anyone getting a beer belly after one too many Romulan ales. Not that anyone would tell, though.
Then it came with sleepless nights bended over a toilet seat with no one to pat his back in between. Too many nights being woken up by annoyed and gradually panicked voices coming through his combadge. Cold rank pips burning his hot skin with a reality inducing comfort. In a half-conscious state it felt like home.
He’s been through worse, but it always had a reason. A solution. The puzzles became a routine, but it was always a team effort. And he couldn’t just open Dr. Crusher’s door, loudly proclaiming that he is showing all the signs of being pregnant.
It was never his role. He was a man, he was supposed to be on the other side of this. He should be the one comforting, saying kind words, assuring whichever one of his girlfriends that they are in this together, all meanwhile quiet voice in his head calming him, saying that whatever happens, he is the one with a clear way out. He shushed it, but whatever the principles, there’s always warmth in privilege.
And why did it have to happen to him? All the freaks in the Academy, all the barely resembling humans species he’s seen, and him? Whatever his reputation, surely he was not the first human male experimenting with whoever that was on Kaelon III. Fuck the miracles. He always hated those.
xxx
«Geordi, I started to observe that Commander Riker’s body emancipates more heat than usual. Have you noticed any changes?»
Geordi’s hand slightly slipped from the screwdriver, almost hitting the connector. Damn it.
«I mean, no, not really, Data. Although I’m glad that you didn’t ask him first. I would probably have to fix you along with holodeck right now.» It was awfully cold here lately, for one reason or another. This was the fifth panel he disconnected in the last three hours.
«It would make sense, I noticed alterations mostly in the lower part of his body.» Data said, standing completely uselessly.
«Are you looking at Riker’s dick?»
«No, Geordi.» Data answered, dismissing the implications. «I mean the stomach. I am afraid he might have caught some ailment during the last expedition and is not willing to speak with Doctor Crusher. It might interfere with the mission»
«Whatever, Data. It’s probably a heating pad for his back or something. You’re overthinking things. He didn’t get his place by being lousy. Pass me the confirmat screws.»
xxx
His dreams were plagued by a single scenario. He lies in a hospital bed, stripped naked, only a towel safely covering his eyes. The pain is insufferable, even in a dream. He pushes, loosing count after sixth or seventh time. Minutes go by both intolerably slowly and faster than light. He screams and his voice is the only one to fill the room, despite feeling the presence of doctors. The only time they spoke to him was when the towel was placed on the top of his eyes.
«It’s better not to look.»
When the agony finally ends, the doctors pretend to cut the placenta that he knows doesn’t exist. They uncover his eyes and hold to him something that doesn’t resemble a human being.
«Congratulations, Mr. Riker! It’s a girl! We shaved your nipples already, to make the feeding process easier!»
Waking up in the middle of the night, he runs to the holodeck.
xxx
He craves warmth. A simple warmth of a human touch, filled with sympathy and appreciation. The closest thing he finds is a deadly coldness of his motherland.
The worst thing about his nightmare is a strange comfort it brings. If he would give a birth to something, he would pray for it to not resemble a human. He started to feel disgusted thinking about infants, about the fact that he might see himself in whatever he creates.
He hopes that some sort of calamity grows in his stomach. No eyes, no noes, no ears. Nothing that he has ever seen. It would scream with inhuman sounds, placing a horrified expression on everyone’s faces. He hated it, but that might be the only way to tolerate it.
A cold wind blew above him.
xxx
«Riker, I hope you know that, aside my counselor duties, you can always talk to me as a friend.»
«When she touched my friend it was a conversation,» Riker said, downing his glass.
Troi sighed, looking dismissively to the side. «And I’m sure you know that if your state of body and mind is damaging to our work, I’m obliged to report it to, at least, the captain.»
«Mhm. And it all seems alright so far, doesn’t it? Being able to hold a good conversation isn’t on my list of duties. Or anyone’s. I doubt Data would be accepted, were it true.» He tried to smile, but it all went to his eyebrows.
«Sure, as you say. Anyways, are you having stomach issues? You seem bloated, for the lack of the better word. Should I poke you like a cow, while it’s not as bad?»
Commander slightly tensed, visible only to her eye. «And are you speaking as a friend or a counselor right now? Cause the report might be coming from me first. Does it count as a sexual harassment or a threat of violence?» Deanna rolled her eyes «And since when a man gaining some fat is bad? Have you seen Data’s chest? Nobody is making comments about that!»
«Sure, little one,» she said, rising from her chair and throwing last glance as a conversation ender. The sound of her steps made Riker’s heart ache.
xxx
He doesn’t remember the last time he had so much fun. He doesn’t remember the last time he had a chance to play some real poker. It all feels so easy, he’s almost flying.
Walking to the table he places three hundred chips he payed too much for, grinning with the wildest smile. The dealer looks at him questionably.
«Sir, I hope you know, you can’t play these kind of games alone.»
«Don’t worry,» he rubs his stomach, smile never leaving his face, «There are two of us here.»
«Number one, are you sleeping on duty?» Picard’s voice emerges, riddled with a slight concern.
Riker wakes up with a jump. Pain echoing in both his back and stomach.
«Sorry, captain, had a wild night.» He rubs his eyes, pressing too much into them. «You know how it is.»
«I know and I would like to know that whatever your activities, you should always freshen up and be ready for work. On a daily basis. Is there anything I should be worried about?»
«Absolutely nothing, captain. Aside, maybe, what’s going on with the replicator. I think it’s giving me a stomach bug.» Fuck. He just had to mention stomachs.
«I’ll talk to engineering. Go and rest for now, the day is almost over anyway, I hope I see you in your best state tomorrow.» Picard glances at Riker’s hand, the one fidgeting with his uniform.
Commander rises way too quickly. «Thanks, captain. Sorry. I’ll be as good as new.»
xxx
At night, he makes sure to leave the door to his quarters open. No matter the result. Lying down, half naked and exposed he takes out his phaser and prepares for the first cut. His nipples are completely shaved.