Archive of Our Own

Time heals all wounds; what a crock of shit. Beth had heard that saying all her life. Hell, she’s probably said it other people herself. But seriously. A huge crock of shit.

Two years Beth has been in Nashville, writing songs and performing at clubs. Two years since she packed up what could fit in her old Toyota Corolla and headed to Music City to pursue her dreams. Leaving behind her family and the farm. And Daryl Dixon. While she missed the quiet of the farm and the warmth of her family, it was Daryl’s absence that she still felt pressing down on her every day. It was like she was missing a limb, affecting her on a daily basis. She had thought she would be over him by now. Maybe she would even meet someone new and move on with her life. Clearly she completed underestimated him. Or her. Them.

She feels it tonight more than ever. Maybe it was being out with her friend Tara who had just gotten engaged to her girlfriend Denise. Maybe it was that she heard her song played on the car radio on the way to the club. The very first song she had ever had picked up by an artist and recorded for all the world to hear. Or maybe it was the alcohol. She was definitely going to blame the alcohol.

Tara had poured Beth into bed around two in the morning, while Beth tried unconvincingly to prove how ‘undrunk’ she was. After Tara left her with some aspirin and a glass of water, she realized that she had spiraled right past the fun drunk stage and plummeted head first into maudlin drunk. She was so lonely. And not for just any companionship, she wanted Daryl. How could he just be out there living his life when Beth was completed stalled, missing him with each breath? She missed him as much today as she did the day she left. And there, sad drunk in her own bed at two o’clock early on a Saturday morning in September, she gave in. She picked up her phone and dialed Daryl’s number, unsure of what she would say if he answered. It rang four times and then she heard his voice.

If you’re callin’ ‘bout the bike, it’s done sold. If this is Merle, tell me where to send the bail money. Otherwise, I’m huntin’ this weekend, so leave me a message if you wanna. If this is Nashville, I’m ready.

Beth disconnected the call, mind in a daze. Was that message for her? What did it mean? Was this actually happening? How drunk is she right now? She falls asleep between one breath and the next, phone hugged to her chest, no answers to her questions.

When Beth wakes the next morning, she immediately checks her phone to see if she really called Daryl. Well first, she downs the aspirin and glass of water, then spends fifteen minutes waiting for her brain to stop trying to leak out of her ears. Then she checks her phone. Yep, she called Daryl. And it only lasted twenty-three seconds; just time enough to listen to an answering machine message.

Well, never again. She doesn’t care what the message said. Daryl could have gotten in touch with her any time if he wanted. She is just going to continue living her life and try to move on. Maybe she’ll go on a date with that Zach guy that Tara has been trying to set her up with. Yep, that’s it. She’s moving on.

She lasts ten days. Ten whole days. Which, really, she counts as a success. She calls in the middle of the day when he should be working.

If you’re callin’ to get work done, call me at the shop. If you’re sellin’ shit, you’ve got the wrong number. If this is Nashville, I’m ready.

Pretty soon Beth was addicted. It reminded her of being in the seventh grade when she would repeatedly ride her bike back and forth in front of Danny Rogers house half a mile down the street, just hoping for a glimpse of him. She called Daryl’s answering machine every day now. Which is how she got herself in trouble.

“lo?”

Oh shit. It was him. He answered. Why was he at home? It was the middle of the day! Wait, what day is it? It’s Saturday. Damn.

“lo? Anybody there?”

Beth panics and disconnects, throwing her phone down beside her. That’s it. She’s done.

Turns out, hearing Daryl’s real voice kind of trumps the recording and now Beth is torturing herself thinking of hearing it again. This is ridiculous. Beth is the one who walked away after two years. She had an offer from her friend Tara to move to Nashville and tried to talk to Daryl about it. Tried being the operative word as he said nothing. He just sat there, chewing on his thumbnail and staring at the floor. Beth had asked if he would be willing to move to Nashville. Silence. She asked where they were going if she stayed here. Just silence. Beth was so angry at him that before she even realized what was happening, she was throwing out an ultimatum; say something or she was walking out the door. Daryl just shrugged his shoulders, hand firmly lodged in his mouth.

She knows it was a rash decision, uprooting her whole life to chase a dream. And Beth is normally not impulsive. But she is stubborn. So once she had told Daryl and her family she was moving to Nashville, she was determined to follow through. She refuses to believe it was a mistake, even though she misses home more than she ever thought possible. She’s in Nashville, writing songs that mean something to people, that people like and relate to. None of which would have happened if she’d stayed with Daryl.

Decision made. She made the right choice. She’s going to focus on her songwriting and forget about Daryl. She’ll just consider it more material for her songs.

Alright, she gave in. If she has one weakness, Beth is ready to admit that it’s probably Daryl Dixon.

“Lo?”

And like an addict, Beth’s amped up her dosage. She calls at a time when she thinks he will actually be at home.

“Who's this?”

Also, she may have been calling him a couple of times a week.

“Why the hell ya keep callin’ me?”

She may be freaking him out.

“Beth?”

Or he might see right through it. She hangs up.

Beth waits almost a week after hearing Daryl say her name before she calls again, this time during the day when she's sure he's gone. She's so irritated that he (rightly) assumed it was her, but she's going through withdrawal here.

If you're somebody I wanna talk to, you know how to get in touch with me. If this is Carl, I'll see you Saturday at the game. If this is Nashville, I'm ready to talk if you wanna hear.

God, he's so devious. Who could resist that?!

She compromises with herself and calls early on Saturday night; late enough that he would normally be home, but on a day she knows he was going out so who knows. Maybe after the game, he went out with Rick to Maquire's to get a drink. And maybe he met some tramp who's keeping him at the bar. Or at her place. Oh dear Lord; what if he's having sex with her right now on the couch beside the same damn answering machine that he's been using to send messages to Beth?!

Before she even realizes it, the phone is to her ear and she can hear it ringing.

"Lo?" She feels a surge of triumph when he answers after two rings. He wouldn't answer the phone if the tramp was there.

"Hello?" Beth stayed silent. Daryl seemed to be thinking, but finally he took a deep breath and whispered, "Beth?"

She just listened to the quiet before there was some shuffling on Daryl's end and then sound of a screen door slamming shut. She heard the flick of his trusty lighter and a deep inhale as he took the first hit off the cigarette. In her mind's eye, she can see him, sitting on the steps of that old porch, smoke circling overhead. Sometimes she would sit out there with him, arm linked through his, head on his shoulder, just watching the night sky. She moved out to her balcony, settling in a chair with a blanket.

"Told myself if I ever got the chance, I's gonna say so much to you that you'd be wishin' I'd shut up." He took another hit off his cigarette and held it in his lungs before harshly blowing it out. "No idea how to start." They sat there for a few minutes, Beth staring up at the sky, listening to each of his inhales and exhales, wondering if his sky looked like hers.

"Missed ya today. Miss ya all the time, but today more'n usual. Went to Carl's football game and sat with Lori and Asskicker. I know Rick said you visited last Christmas, so you probably heard, but Jude's got this trouble with her TH sounds. It's like a speech impediment or somethin', but it's the cutest damn thing I ever heard. Everytime she sees me, she asks about you. 'Where's Beff? Where's Beff?' over and over. Lori took her to Rick on the sidelines and let her run off some energy and the first thing she said when he brought back "Darily, Where's Beff?'"

She had seen the Grimes over the holidays and little Judith did the same thing to her, a constant repeat of "Beff, where's Darily? Where's Darily?" Even a four-year-old knows them as Beth-and-Daryl; where one went the other was sure to show up.

"I give Carl a hard time for comin' up with that stupid nickname every chance I get, but really it don't bother me. How am I 'possed to get mad when Asskicker is starin' up at me with those big eyes? She could call me Dumbass and I'd still just smile and give her whatever she wanted cause she's so fuckin' cute, ya know?"

Beth could see that, especially where Daryl was concerned. When Judith was just a baby, he would stare in awe at her the entire time he held her. And when she started fussing, he immediately looked panicked, afraid that he'd broken her somehow.

She hears Daryl light up another cigarette and thinks maybe she could use one herself right now.

"I thought about it, ya know; kids. I never had before . . . before you and before Asskicker. Never even crossed my mind to have kids, cause I was convinced I'd fuck 'em up so bad. But I thought about it, after." He takes another deep nicotine inhale, like some kind of courage. "I wonder where we'd be if I'd fought ya, instead of lettin' ya leave. Married, maybe? Asskicker of our own?" She hears him take another hit of the cigarette and what sounds like him stomping it on the porch.

"Shit, I'da probably fucked it up sooner or later, but damn I wish I'd had the guts to try." Beth tilts the phone away from her mouth and tries to take a deep breath and blink the tears from her eyes. "Night, Beth."

And then he was gone.

“So there Merle is, high as a kite, naked as the day he was born, standin’ on the dock in front of about three different boy scout troops. And he turns to them and yells ‘I hope you get a badge for this!’, grabs his junk and jumps right into the lake.”

It’s been two weeks since that first call and Beth has called Daryl five times. Since that first time, he’s stuck to safe topics, like Merle’s antics or what he did at work that day.

“And that is how Merle got banned from all Georgia state parks, which I didn’t even know ya could do, when he was only fifteen years old. The best part tho'? In that crowd of boy scouts? An impressionable seven-year-old Rick Grimes!”

By this time, Beth has learned to mute her phone so she’s free to laugh out loud at the thought of young Rick seeing a drugged out Merle go skinny dipping.

“You shoulda seen Rick’s face the first time he came over to the house and Merle was there, damn near looked like he’d seen a ghost.”

Beth has taken up her usual spot on the balcony, wrapped in a blanket, with a glass of wine, just listening to Daryl’s voice. She loves when he laughs; he doesn’t do it nearly enough. At least the Daryl she knew.

“Ain’t heard from Merle in a while. Last I knew he was in Alpharetta, chasing some tail. Hope he ain’t done anything too stupid.”

She wants to reassure him, but one of the craziest thing about this whole situation, is that Beth can’t seem to say a word. At first she was just staying quiet so he wouldn’t know for sure it was her. Like confirming it would change everything. But now it’s like the words are stuck in her throat, clogging up in her chest with no way to escape.

“Did I ever tell you about the time Merle shut down the entire Christmas parade?”

For now she just listens and smiles, suspecting the warmth in her chest is from more than the wine.

Sometimes, just to be nosy, Beth still called his house in the middle of the day to see what the machine would say.

If you're looking for some help cleaning up after that storm, just tell me when and where. If this is Shane about that stupid poker game, I done told you I was gonna be there. If this is Nashville, call back.

It's been almost three months of this thing with Daryl and Beth has limited herself to no more than three calls per week. Even though she really wants to call him every night and listen to his rumbly voice as she falls asleep. They don't spend hours on the phone; in fact it's normally no more than thirty minutes which she knows is a big deal for him. He still mostly tells stories or talks about people they know or things he's seen on TV, but occasionally he'll let something real in too.

"I told Rick 'bout you callin' me. I wanted to tell ya myself 'cause he seemed to think it wasn't you, that'd been callin'. So ya might be getting' a call from Lori or somethin'.

"I heard Maggie's pregnant, so you're gonna be an aunt. I think that's great, Beth. You'll be real good at it. I know ya always wanted a big family."

"Remember that 4th of July picnic at your parents' place? Your momma went crazy and made so much food, I felt like I was gonna bust. And then Carl made us all play touch football until it got dark. Then you and me laid on that blanket watching Shawn set off fireworks. You were holdin' my hand so tight and I couldn't stop starin' at ya. I think about that day sometimes. It was a good day."

It seems like one of those times, because Daryl seems nervous tonight. Before she really has time to wonder about it, words start pouring out.

"There's somethin' I gotta tell ya, Beth. Maybe ya already know about it, but I ain't mentioned it so it feels like I'm lying to ya. I been goin' to the farm for a while, since you left really. I didn't think your folks would tell ya, cause they're good people and don't wanna hurt your feelings or nothin'." He stopped to take a deep breath. "Your momma kept callin' me and I couldn't say no. So I been goin' for dinner once a week and when Shawn left, I started goin' over there on Saturdays and helpin' out your daddy with stuff. But I weren't tryin' to be underhand about it or nothin'. I mean, they don't even talk about you or nothin' cause- well, like I said; they're good people."

Beth doesn't know what she was expecting to hear, but it certainly wasn't that. Although, listening to Daryl make his way to porch and light a cigarette, she supposes that it makes a lot of sense. Her parents had always loved Daryl, especially her momma. Annette wanted to mother him to death, and Beth knew Daryl could use some mothering, regardless of if he thought so or not. She can't believe no one said anything to her, though. So has he been staying away when she goes to town to visit? Do her parents purposefully tell him to stay away because Beth is in town?

"If you don't want me to go over there anymore, just say the word Beth. I ain't tyin' to take over your family or nothin'." More silence.

"Well, since you ain't said nothin', I'm gonna assume you're fine with it. 'Sides, your momma's makin' fried chicken this week and I don't wanna miss out." Deep breath. "Thanks, Beth."

As the week went on, Beth found that she liked knowing that her parents were watching out for Daryl. And if she called her Momma several times that week in the late afternoon, hoping for the sounds of her cooking fried chicken, well that was no one's business but hers.

If this is Glenn to worry me about that crib again don't bother, we got plenty of time. If this Maggie to say sorry about Glenn being crazy, I only accept cobbler apologies. Preferably apple, like your momma makes. If this is Nashville, I'm working late this week but call me.

Since his confession several weeks ago, Daryl seems more comfortable talking about the farm and her family. "I rode Nellie today. Hershel worries about her, thinks she misses ya and you know she hates when anybody but you rides her. She was alright today, though. Took her out to the south pasture by the pond. She didn't try to kill me at least, so I thought it went pretty good."

Beth remembered the first time Daryl tried to ride Nellie and she bucked him right off. After making sure nothing was hurt but Daryl's pride, it was actually pretty funny. And he was a good sport about the whole thing.

As usual, Beth was on her little balcony. With the weather turning warmer, she didn't need a blanket anymore, but she did have her customary wine.

"Glad it's finally May. All that rain last month 'bout drove me crazy. Can't stand being cooped up like that. But man, it surely worked wonders on that farm. Everything's growing and blooming. Wish you could see it, Beth."

She closed her eyes and tried to imagine it; not the bright lights and loud sounds of the honkey tonks below her, but the apple orchard with it's sweet smell. The sounds of the horses in the stables. Sitting under that huge maple tree in the backyard. Her momma on the front porch waving as she pulled in the driveway.

Days like this, it was really hard to remember what she was doing so far from home.

If this is Abe, I ain't seen Rosita. If this is Merle, you know what to do. If this is Rick, I'm headed your way and I'm bringing about ten pounds of steak. If this is Nashville, come home.

It’s the first Thursday night in June, no different than any other day, when Beth calls Daryl.

"Sorry if I been missin' ya; Rick and and Lori had a big barbeque now that it's summer and Abe had a fight with Rosita so I took him out to drown his sorrows. And by that I mean whiskey. Lots and lots of whiskey. I went to the farm last night and your momma had made the best damn strawberry shortcake I'd ever had. I ain't tryin' to tell tales outta school, but that woman mighta sold her soul to the devil for the wonders she works in the kitchen."

She hears Daryl collapse on the couch and take a deep breath. She imagines he just got out of the shower, hair still dripping on to the collar of an old T-shirt he threw on.

"Daryl?" She hears him suck in a deep breath and shudder it out again.

"Beth?"

"I hate that you're going to barbeques and football games without me." She told herself she wasn't going to cry, but that was clearly a pipe dream. "I hate that I missed you trying to calm Glenn down when he was practicing diapers and baby baths. I hate that I wasn't sitting beside you when you thought you saw Merle in that episode of COPS." She lets out a laugh through her tears. "I want to go with you to the farm and sit beside you at family dinner. I want to drive up to Alpharetta with you and met the girl who's taming Merle. I wanna get married and have babies and fight and make-up and live happily ever after."

"Beth."

"Open the door, Daryl. I wanna come home."