Work Text:
[play video – the ottawa centaurs are really tall (not clickbait)]
The video opens to show Harris Drover standing in front of a wall with the cens logo painted on it. He’s holding a tape measure, a tiny microphone, and a mischievous smile.
Harris
Today, we’re going to be asking the guys how tall they are in their skates, and then measuring to see if they’re being honest.
A beat.
Harris
Except because I feel like causing some chaos, we’re going to be lying to them about what the tape measure says.
I’m either going to have a lot of fun, or I might be killed.
I’m excited!
*cut*
Harris is now standing on top of a bench, just off of the ice which is visible in the background. Harris beckons someone over from off screen, and Troy Barrett comes into view. He smiles at his boyfriend, but his expression grows wary when he eyes the camera.
Harris
Troy, the people want to know: how tall are you in your skates?
Troy thinks for a moment as if trying to work out what the gimmick is. Then he turns to thinking about his answer.
Troy
Well, I’m 5’9 without my skates on, so probably something like 5’11 with them on.
Harris brandishes the tape measure.
Harris
Care to confirm?
Troy shrugs and grabs the free end of the tape and pulls it to the ground, holding it in place with his skate as he stands to his full height.
Harris makes a tutting noise as he shakes his head.
Harris
Sorry buddy, says here you’re only 5’9 with the skates on.
Text appears on screen displaying:
Troy’s guess: 5’11
Actual: 5’10½
We told him: 5’9
Troy looks thoroughly confused, the lady doing maths gif and the twilight zone theme plays.
Troy
But didn’t you say the other day that you were 5’7? And I’m like at least an inch or so taller than you are?
Harris just shrugs, clearly struggling to keep a straight face.
Troy
Weird.
*cut*
Harris is giggling slightly when he calls out
Harris
Max, Nicky, care to do a height check for socials?
LaPointe (off camera)
F*** yeah!
There’s a scuffle sound as LaPointe must push past Young in his effort to be the first to the video. Young lets out a muffled ‘what the f*** man?’ as LaPointe makes his way on screen.
LaPointe
Hi, I’m Max LaPointe, based in Ottawa but willing to travel
He turns to either side as though he’s in a self-tape, and when he returns to face the front he puts his gloves under his armpits to show off his hands.
LaPointe
I’m 6’2, but in hockey skates I’m probably like 6’5 or something like that. Whatever it is, I’m taller than Young for sure.
Young (off camera)
Why am I catching strays?
Harris holds out the measuring tape and lowers the end until it hits the ground, he sucks in a nervous breath through his teeth.
Harris
I don’t know how to tell you this Maxy, but it says here you’re only 6’1 with the hockey skates on, so I’m not sure what that says for your height without them.
LaPointe looks utterly baffled, the playful smile on his face dropping. Without any malice, he turns to look at the measuring tape.
LaPointe
The hell?
More text appears:
Pointy’s guess: 6’5
Actual: 6’4
We told him: 6’1
Young can be heard off camera laughing so hard that it sounds as though he’s fallen over.
*cut*
LaPointe is now to the side of the screen, while Young is in the hot seat. Harris looks delighted.
LaPointe
Let’s see how honest you are then Nicky
Young pokes his tongue out at LaPointe before turning to the camera.
Young
I’m a short king like Harris; I’m only like 5’7 or so. I think I read somewhere that hockey skates add a couple of inches, so I think it’ll be around 5’9.
Harris once again unravels the tape measure, making a show of reading the number carefully.
Harris
I’m not sure how to tell you this, but you’ve been living a lie. You’re not a short king, it says here you’re 6’ with the skates!
Young’s guess: 5’9
Actual: 5’9
We told him: 6’
Young lets out a celebratory whoop, clearly having worked out at least some of the joke. LaPointe looks even further confused as he stands next to Young. There’s a very obvious height discrepancy between the two of them, and LaPointe puts a hand on Youngs head, highlighting that difference.
LaPointe
So you’re telling me that this is only an inch?
Young
For your sake I hope it’s not
The camera cuts as LaPointe hits Young in the stomach and Harris starts to scold Young for his innuendo.
*cut*
Nick Chouinard, the tallest of the Centaurs, is next to Harris, leaning on his hockey stick as he speaks.
Chouinard
I’m honestly not sure how tall I am, I think I said that I was 6’6 for my trading cards but I don’t actually remember the last time I measured.
Harris
So, do you want to guess how tall you are with the skates?
Chouinard pulls a face showing his uncertainty, and chuckles slightly as he answers.
Chouinard
I don’t know, like 6’9 maybe?
He helps Harris extend out the tape measure, and Harris lets out a low, impressed whistle as he reads.
Harris
Well, we might need to update that player card because it says here you’re 7’ with the skates!
Chouinard’s guess: 6’9
Actual: 6’8
We told him: 7’
Chouinard looks pretty proud, nodding his head, then he pauses and cocks his head in confusion.
Chouinard
But I’m shorter than Price aren’t I?
Harris
Apparently not
Chouinard
Huh, neat.
*cut*
Wyatt Hayes is holding the tiny microphone as he talks into it.
Wyatt
I actually have to be super aware of how tall I am as compared to the goals for like my wingspan and reach in order to calculate how close I have to be to make the save, so I have this down to a science.
Harris starts setting up the measuring tape as Wyatt continues.
Wyatt
So, without skates on I’m only 6’2, but the skates and blades that I prefer actually add 2 and a third inches to them, as opposed to the standard 2 inches. I think there’s a couple millimeters of discrepancy when they’re new blades verses when they’ve been sharpened a few times, but I got these blades only a couple of weeks ago so they’re pretty fresh. With the skates I’m exactly 193.8cm, or 6’4 and a third.
Harris stalls for a moment, clearly making a decision.
Wyatt looks up to Harris expectantly.
Harris
Yeah the bit for this video is supposed to be that I lie and tell you you’re wrong about your heights and everything, but that was so impressive I can’t even go through with it. Look!
Hazy’s guess: 193.8cm
Actual: 193.8cm
We told him: 193.8cm (too impressed to lie)
He beckons the cameraman forward to show how Wyatt was exactly correct with his guess of 193.8cm. As the camera widens back out, Harris still looks impressed while Wyatt seems casual as he shrugs.
Wyatt
What can I say, goalies have to know these things.
*cut*
Boyle helps Harris set up the tape measure as he talks.
Boyle
I had my physical the other day and they told me I was 5’10, so I think that leaves me at 6’ with skates on.
Harris
I think I need to talk to Terry about his measuring skills, because you’re only 5’11 here.
Boyle’s guess: 6’
Actual: 6’
We told him: 5’11
Boyle just shrugs, although he looks a little concerned.
Boyle
Maybe skates only add an inch?
Harris
Maybe
*cut*
Harris is grinning on the bench as off camera, LaPointe and Young can be heard talking to Holmberg and Dillon.
LaPointe (off camera)
Come on boys, you gotta do the height thing for Harris
Holmberg (off camera)
Why? Is Little Nicky butthurt that he’s the shortest?
There’s the unmistakable sound of jovial fisticuffs breaking out between Young and Holmberg
Young (off camera)
I’m a proud short king!
Dillon (off camera)
Isn’t Bergy only like an inch taller?
Holmberg (off camera)
It’s more than an inch!
LaPointe and Dillon are still laughing as they walk into the shot, Young and Holmberg follow after them, still nudging one another and red faced.
Harris
Who’s first?
Dillon steps up next to Harris.
Dillon
I’ll go, I’m 6’2 in skates.
Disbelieving guffaws can be heard from the onlookers. LaPointe just raises his eyebrows.
LaPointe
You sure about that Dilly?
Dillon
Yeah, come on Harris. Measure me and show them.
Harris muffles a laugh as he reads the tape. He clearly takes a moment to make a decision about whether to follow the bit or not.
Harris
Sorry Tanner, you’re only 6’0 in skates.
Dillon’s guess: 6’2
Actual: 6’
We told him: 6’
Dillon looks taken aback, Young and Holmberg are giggling at him openly while LaPointe just shakes his head.
Dillon
But I’m 5’10? And hockey skates add like 2 inches?
LaPointe raises his eyebrows again.
LaPointe
Yeah, so you’re 6’ in skates.
Young and Holmberg break out into more laughter as Dillon does more mental maths.
Dillon
But 5’10 plus 2 inches is 6’2?
LaPointe joins the other kids in their laughter. Harris looks a little concerned as he puts a hand on Dillon’s shoulder.
Harris
Buddy, please walk me through that maths again.
Dillon
5’10 plus 2 inches is 6’2?
Young
Try again Dilly
Dillon looks genuinely confused.
Dillon
What? My friend says he’s 6’2 but he’s the same height as I am in my skates? He told me it’s because 5’10 plus 2 inches is 6’2?
*cut*
Dillon looks a bit embarrassed but is laughing along with Young and LaPointe as Holmberg steps up to the measuring tape.
Harris
Now that the impromptu maths lesson is over
Dillon
(muttering) I gotta call Tyler and tell him the bad news
Harris
Will, how tall are you with skates?
Holmberg
Given that I’m just so tall, and tower over the likes of Little Nicky
Young throws his glove at Holmberg, who bats it away and sticks his tongue out at him.
Holmberg
I’m 5’9 so I’m probably like 5’11 in skates
Harris fails to stop his giggles as he reads.
Harris
I hate to break it to you Bergy, but it looks like you’re only 5’9 in the skates
Bergy’s guess: 5’11
Actual: 6’
We told him: 5’9
Holmberg freezes for a moment, realization dawns on Young behind him, who starts laughing again.
Holmberg
But that would mean I’m…
Harris
Yeah, looks like you’re the same height as Young.
Holmberg looks into the camera with a thousand yard stare, it’s emotion is dampened by the fits of laughter breaking out in the background.
Holmberg
My life is a lie.
*cut*
Shane walks past with concentration set into his face, but it breaks into a smile as he greets Harris.
Shane
Hey Harris! What’ve you got for us today?
Harris
It’s just a height check for the fans, how tall are you in your skates Shane?
Shane doesn’t even need to think about the answer.
Shane
183cm
Harris blinks.
Harris
That was fast
Shane shrugs
Shane
It’s good to know to have that comparison to the other players on the ice. Plus, I’ve got an easy one because I’m 5’10 so it’s 6’ in skates which is easy to convert to 183cm
Shane shrugs again, Harris is still a little whiplashed from the immediate answer. He holds up the tape measure.
Harris
Care if I check?
Shane
Sure!
Shane helps Harris set up the tape measure before standing up straight.
Harris
Looks like you’re 5’11 in your skates Shane.
Hollzy’s guess: 6’
Actual: 6’
We told him: 5’11
Shane’s brain seems to go offline for a second before he shakes his head.
Shane
You’re sure?
Harris nods.
Harris
Yep, says it right here
Shane still seems to be piecing something together in his brain. It looks like he’s trying to solve a puzzle without the picture, or the pieces.
Shane
But that would mean…
He trails off, staring into the distance as his mouth moves slightly, indicating he’s thinking and calculating. As he continues, some of his ramblings can be picked up by the microphone.
Shane
Then that would mean that our nets aren’t regulation because they should be 4ft high, which comes out to two thirds of my height in skates which means that when I shoot I have a scoring zone of…and then if my stick is out I’ve… plus with the added padding… but then the blue line comes from… ignoring icing calls… then if it’s high sticked…
Harris cuts Shane off before he spirals into a hockey maths related hole.
Harris
Shane it’s a joke, you were right. You’re 6’ in your skates.
Shane visibly relaxes.
*cut*
Harris
Bood!
Bood (off camera)
Harris!
Harris
How tall are you with your skates on?
Bood (off camera)
Well I’m 6’ tall without them!
Harris holds up the measuring tape.
Harris
Can I check?
Bood laughs off camera.
Bood (off camera)
Nah I’ve seen these videos! You’re just gonna lie to me! Miss me with that!
Bood comes into view of the camera, a light hearted smile on his face.
Bood
For the record, I am actually 6’ tall, I’m not one of those guys who’s actually 5’10 or 5’11 and just says they’re 6’ tall.
An image of the team is shown, a sloped line is drawn on to show Bood as being exactly in between Wyatt and Shane in terms of height. A thumbs up sticker is added along with the text:
Bood’s guess: 6’ plus skates
Actual: ?
Our guestimate: 6’2ish
*cut*
Harris shouts over to Dykstra as he walks by just at the edge of the screen.
Harris
Evan! How tall are you in your hockey skates?
Dykstra thinks for a moment, before walking over to Harris and allowing himself to be measured.
Dykstra
6’5 or 6’6, I can’t remember how much skates add to your height.
Harris shakes his head solemnly as he reads from the tape measure.
Harris
Sorry to say this, but looks like you’re only 6’2 in skates
Dykstra’s guess: 6’5-6’6
Actual: 6’5
We told him: 6’2
Dykstra looks like he short-circuits for a moment, the video pauses and a loading wheel is pictured over his head, along with a robotic dial up sound.
Dykstra
What?
Harris shrugs
Harris
Sorry buddy
Dykstra looks at Harris again, and a smile breaks out on his face.
Dykstra
You’re f****** with me aren’t you?
Harris shrugs again, doing a very bad job of concealing his guilt. Dykstra reads through the lies and laughs.
Dykstra
Man, I was f***** up for a bit. Don’t joke about that dude!
He laughs with Harris as he makes his way towards the ice.
*cut*
Ilya all but swaggers up to Harris as he calls out.
Ilya
Harris! What is this video?
Harris smiles at the captain and shows him the tape measure.
Harris
We’re doing a height reveal! How tall are you in your skates Roz?
Ilya
Well, because I am very tall and the best ever Centaur, I am 6’5 in my hockey skates. Again, because I am most tall center on the team and much taller than my very short husband.
Shane (off camera)
Ilya I’m 5’10, that’s like slightly above average!
Ilya waggles his eyebrows at the camera and mouths ‘above average.’
Harris laughs and shakes his head, unwinding the tape measure. He hisses a sharp intake of breath as he reads.
Harris
Oof, think you might be lying there, Cap, it says here you’re only 6’4 in your skates
Roz’s guess: 6’5
Actual: 6’5
We told him: 6’4
Shane can be heard laughing off camera as Ilya splutters, clearly over dramatizing his reaction for the video.
Ilya
Is fake! Is lying tape measure! Harris you are coming for my dignity as tall Russian! I have fought bears! I am not 6’2!
Ilya is waving his hands around as he speaks, clearly being encouraged by the laughter, he’s fueling it into more faux-outrage.
Ilya
Shane! Lyubimyy! Defend my honor! Come check Harris’ calculations! They must be wrong!
Shane comes onto screen, still laughing at his husband. He makes a show of thoroughly checking the tape measure before gasping.
Shane
Ilya you were right! Harris was reading it wrong-
Ilya
Thank you!
Shane
You’re actually only 6’2 in the skates!
Ilya
LIES! You are all lying liars who lie!
*cut*
Ilya basically drags Luca into view of the camera, Shane looks apologetically entertained and Luca looks extremely confused.
Ilya
Harris! Measure Haasy so I can prove it is a lying liar measurer!
Luca
Um…
Shane pulls Ilya off of Luca, and takes him to the back of the shot, where he pats him on the head.
Harris
Luca, how tall are you in your skates?
Luca has to think for a moment. He glances back at where Shane and Ilya are standing, still clearly unsure as to why Ilya dragged him here.
Luca
I think I’m 193cm or 196cm? I’m 188cm without skates on and I think they add anywhere from 5-8cm depending on the brand. I’m pretty sure mine add 5cm so I’m probably 193cm.
Harris holds out the tape measure to read.
Harris
Sorry Haasy, says here you’re only 190cm with the skates on.
Haasy’s guess: 193-196cm
Actual: 193cm
We told him: 190cm
Luca looks a bit confused, but ultimately just shrugs. Shane puts a hand on Ilya to hold him back somewhat.
Luca
Oh, I guess maybe I was wrong.
Ilya
You weren’t wrong Haasy! Harris is evil lying liar!
Harris breaks down laughing as Ilya points at him accusingly.
Harris
I don’t know what you’re talking about Roz!
The video cuts on Ilya rambling about faulty tape measures and untrustworthy social media managers.