Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

In the philosophy granted towards me, it was stated that everything came from the Spawn and everything comes back to the Spawn. Spawn values our lives and the lives of everything breathing around us - the plants, the animals, the fungi, microbes and all organisms that come back to the earth- more than anything else. Death comes back to life as it is its mirror, and death should be treated with as much respect as life is. That is why when we sacrifice the one we loved the most to show our true devotion to the Spawn and gain our second life, it must be done in such a way that we honor that person for who they are and what they have done for us.  Death is as precious as life, and life is as precious as death, and both should be treated with respect.

Inherently then, an exploiter would be a sinner in the Spawn’s eyes

An exploiter does not care for such careful balance. They act recklessly and don't care for those caught in the crossfire. When there are deaths -and lets face it, there is always death behind an exploiters tracks-  they are reckless deaths. People die in split seconds, robbed of their right to live till they grow old or till they leave of their own accord, their right to be a person and interact with all living things. Their right to their life is disregarded, and there is no such beauty or honor in these deaths. It is all for an exploiters benefit, because what else would there be to gain past a surge of pleasure grounded in their adrenaline and the power to terrorize and exploit the fear of thousands? They act like false gods, they destroy the lives of others. They are not holy, not godly, and will not come close to the Spawn. The Spawn would never treat its subjects this way. What a shame. What a shame. There are only a few sins worse than being an exploiter.

An exploiter, past or present, just by holding that title, stands against everything the Spawn presents to us and encourages us to follow. That means it is my responsibility to stand against everything an exploiter does. It would be tied to guilt by association, no? My priority should be in holding them accountable or just not associating with them at all.

So please, Spawn almighty, grant me strength and grant me mental clarity. I beg of you. Through my pleas, I ask:

Why

Would

You 

Make 

ME

Fall 

In

Love

With

HIM???

Dear Spawn, is this a test? Are you testing me once again? What are you testing me on though? Are you telling me to set my differences aside and grant him forgiveness? Are you testing my capabilities of always following my morals to yours and just never talking to him again? Do you want me to teach him your teachings so he finds salvation of his own sins? Or would he serve you best as a sacrifice?What is it that you’re trying to say? Would it be my strength to forgive? To act? Or just to just ignore? 

When I hear of him my face grows red. When I see him I can feel my senses perk up, and I grow more alert of his presence. When I hear his name I grow ever so weary, thinking about him. When I hear his voice my ears perk up, and when I think of him…ah, it's rather  sinful of my part, I fear. It feels like I'm but a moth to a light, hypnotized, as I'm pulled closer, closer and closer. I have never felt that way since….well, I had to let them go anyways, didn't I? But that's besides the point. Eventually at the end of the day, my devotion should come to you, the Spawn, first and foremost. So, I ask you for guidance, a sign, just anything, to tell me what I should do. Because without your guidance, I am truly lost. 

Give me as little or as much as you see fit, but give me guidance, Spawn. I, Two Time, will continue to devote myself to you and your word in return. 

And to that, we say, amen, and glory to the Spawn

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There is a kind of bliss inside of the survivor cabin that can be felt once all the matches have been wrapped up for the day. It is the joy of survivors being able to celebrate and relax knowing that their matches have been wrapped up for the day. The cabin was usually lively. They gathered around the dining tables and communicated about the day, about their qualms, their fears, their regrets and the small nuggets of happiness that the day had brought them. It was a moment of reflection, of processing and sometimes, of rejoicing. Of waiting till the next day where they were made to do it all again.

However, although this had become kind of like a trial amongst the survivor populus, that doesn't necessarily mean that every single survivor was present in the meeting. 

Outside the main cabin, where the permanent cold fall wind was slowly billowing through the trees, and where the murky, moonlit sky shone through the reflection of the river bank, 007n7 sat, c00lgui in hand, leftover bbq remains of the cookout the survivors had yesterday on the side. He was less interested in the food and more on the report of today that had been provided to him.

“Total Survivor matches today: 32

• Total matches won: 18
• Today’s Survivor win rate: 56%
• Survivor win rate (all time): 49.2%

Total 007n7 matches today: 6

• Total matches won: 2
• Today’s 007n7 win rate:  33%
• 007n7 win rate (all time): 27.01%”

He couldn't help but sigh in disappointment as he gently moved his finger to his lower lip, lost in thought. Thanks to his less than stellar performance today, it seems like his total win rate had dropped again. Way to show that you have actually changed and are capable of helping others, huh? Unless he found a way to actually do something then that number would just keep going down and down and down and down. But… what could be done, really? His ability was already inherently selfish…

Before he could lose himself to the trap of overthinking, he could hear the dangling of multiple metal chains and accessories right behind him, and the breath of someone near his ear. Although his eyes slightly widened, he wasn't really that sacred. He just closed the GUI and turned around to meet the person that had come to visit him face to face. 

“I didn't know you kept such statistics like that in your devices? Mayhaps it would help if you shared them with everyone, no?” the visitor, Two time, said. Chilly voice, same firecrackery demeanor, like the smallest thing that he did or anyone did for that matter could send them flying. 

“I… I possibly could not, Two Time. I only keep these two counters running. I would feel weird about collecting people’s data with their permission” Was all that 007n7 offered. He thought that might have been the end of it, but Two Time just ended up sitting next to him. 

“I wouldn't mind myself! It would be of utmost appreciation actually. I could see if im truly at my highest potential” They giggled “It would be of my best interest to show the Spawn that im always giving it my all”

“Ahh….. I see” was all the man offered, and it was followed by nothing but silence for an uncomfortably long amount of time. They stared at each other's eyes for what seemed like eternity, and 007n7 took a second to examine their faces. Androgynous in nature. A pointed nose. Wide saucer like eye, complemented by very obvious eye bags underneath. A slightly too wide smile. Pale skin. There was something so ruined yet so alluring about them. Like a broken porcelain doll. And when they grabbed his hand after what seemed like forever, a shiver ran down his spine. 

“..You should try giving it your all too!” His chipper companion exclaimed, smiling even more widely, which 007n7 didn't even know was possible. “Im sure the other survivors would start warming up to you if you put in more help and you became a team member, even if it was just you communicating information to others. I feel like I appreciate a good team member. The Spawn does as well. I would too!”

“Ah… I'm not sure Two Time… what if I don't have anything to say? Or anything to offer? Theoretically, what if this is as useful as I'm going to get?” 007n7 faltered

They gripped his hands even more tightly. 

“Nonsense! We can always change and grow. That's what's beautiful about life and what separates them from the stagnant, inflexible inanimate objects that surround us. Everything is fluid and can be molded, 7n7. It's still not over for you, fellow companion.” 

The words seemed rather earnest. And yet, he didn't want to fall blind to them, as he wasn't sure about their intentions

“Well…. If you say so… umm…companion…?” 007n7 sheepishly said, foolishly thinking that would be the end of that. But all that happened was that Two Time leaned closer to him. He could ever so slightly feel their  breath in his face. 007n7 just grew the tiniest bit wary

“Oh… nonono… I don't just “say so”, 007n7. Don’t think I was being sarcastic or falsely inspirational. I wholeheartedly believe it.” Was all the cultist had to offer “You can still be freed from your sins, dearest.” 

…Dearest?

The silence billowed in again, and the cold air ran though the trees and ran through them again, freezing time completely. But despite the eeriness  of this entire situation. Neither of them seemed to want to move. 007n7 wasn't sure what Two Time was thinking. He couldn't read their facial expression or their eyes, like at all. It was expected for someone that seemed to show so little emotion, but it still bugged him that he couldn't sense their emotions well. However, on his end, everything became messy. He didn't have any way to  prove what Two time said as true or false.  His mind went blank, mostly due to confusion. He had so many questions but not any data to derive answers from that they all muddled together and became a pile of nothingness in his head. He held feelings he… just didn't know how to put into words. Not just about the statement, but about Two Time themselves.

Finally, after what seemed like forever in 007n7’s mind, Two Time finally let go of his hands, seemingly accepting that they weren't going to get any sort of reply. They stopped leaning as closely and gave 007n7 some space. Somehow, their usually manic smile became the slightest bit warm, sincere. “You should at least consider it, ya know? And if you’re committed to it, allow me to assist you then” They stood up murmuring “The spawn wants what's best for us after all” and left to the general direction of the forest, disappearing with the wind, the only indication that they were there in the first place being the jiggling of their accessories piercing through the stillness of the night.

A bead of sweat rolled down 007n7’s face as they watched them walk away. 

…What were they trying to say?

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Ever since I matured, I have always considered myself a logical type of person. No longer did I act recklessly just for a thrill that could never be satisfied, but rather act based on what would have been best for me and my family.  The decisions I made were not necessarily the funnest, but they were always important.

I usually start by analyzing the situation given to me at hand, exploring the hypothetical. I evaluate the data, and use that to find all kinds of solutions, find consequences in said solutions  and then enact on the most efficient one.

Life itself has an algorithm, doesn't it? We all act based on our own self interest. And if we don't, then we act based on the interest of others, whenever that may be  a person, an animal, or a concept.

The question is however, what does one do when the data isn't clear? When you can't read the other party like a book and find out what their true intentions are? 

What if you can't even tell what your intentions in the situation are?

How can you  then make an adequate decision? Say the right words? Do the right thing?

Their name was Two Time.

At first, they didn't say much of anything. To anyone at all. Much like me, the survivors had unconsciously deemed them a recluse and an outsider of their own. It wasn't as if it seemed intentional for the most part. It just seemed they were slightly unsettled by them. I wouldn't blame them. Usually, no one likes to hang around someone that is as clearly as disillusioned as Two Time. People talked to them, yes, but there was a level of guard that they kept up. Two Time, however, isn't blind or stupid. It seemed they got the hint that all the interactions would probably be filled with a cloud of awkwardness early on, and they pulled away from the main group completely. They only communicated with the group  during rounds or when they bumped into people from time to time. That's more than me anyways. Unless I am made to talk, I'd rather not say anything at all.  I believe that the ingroup considers me more of a danger anyways. What's a disillusioned cultist compared to a fully conscious exploiter, a destroyer, a terrorist? That was years ago, sure, but such scars never disappeared . I wouldn't be surprised if some of them believed I was just putting up a front of being all nice, meek and mayhaps even “vulnerable” in the most literal sense in order to just gain their trust so I could later screw them over. It doesn’t help that my c00lGUI was manipulated so the only commands I could run were the non-destructive ones that could only be used to benefit me, anyways. I have a stinking suspicion my son holds the rest of the commands. 

But, I'm getting off topic here. We mustn't be too hasty.

When we were both rejected from the ingroup, we then became the outgroup. The outsiders per se. In a school environment we would be referred to as the “weird kid”. This label, I believe, would still suit us well, even now. Even then, outsiders aren't necessarily forced to interact with each other.Now, I myself, although I do feel incredibly lonely, it's not a feeling I am unfamiliar with. I have been a lonesome kinda fella for most of my life, having at most 2 people I really cared about at any point in my life. Yes, it does fill me with a small drop of misery, but it's not something completely new to me. I would be fine being alone, at least for right now, till I eventually can't anymore and I start going clinically insane.  My peer, however, Two Time, seems to operate differently. In a way, they yearn for human connection, and since they can't find it from the group that they decided to not associate with, as being involved with them would mean that they would have to suppress the cultist ideals they so strongly hold (I heard how Dusekkar speaks about the spawn cult, and he does NOT speak of them very kindly), this has left Two Time with only one other viable option: communicate with their fellow outsider, which seems to be the best one.  And as such, they seem to kind of become fascinated with me. They come in swiftly, they ramble, and then they leave with the wind as quickly as they come. I've become very well acquainted with their voice, their speech patterns, their mannerisms. Even then, there seems to be something more about how they feel about me. Due to their somewhat flat way (yes, ironic considering how much they smile, ramble, giggle, and even frolic in way, but I mean flat as a way that their mood always stays constant) of expressing themselves, it is very hard for me to read them, but I can tell that there's something different about the way they see me compared on how they would see any other person. In the simplest ways, I believe they have become enamored with me. 

That's not a bad thing. People should have the freedom to love who they choose to love.

I just have my own reservations. 

Mh.

Well, if im being honest

They're not really reservations. 

I'm just unsure if I feel the same way back, as many factors have clouded my judgment

In theory, I wouldn't really mind reciprocating said feelings back. They're a nice fella. They help others without expecting payment back, they spread their kindness despite not receiving as much in return, and seemingly being appreciative and nice to everyone despite their past faults or despite how they treat them back. To me, I do truly feel like that's not something I would value, but something I would actively crave. 

However, once I think about it further, that's when my troubles come in, the things that make me doubt actually getting closer to them and just enveloping their presence inside of me.  Their overflowing kindness stems from their beliefs in the Spawn, and even if it comes with good intentions in the end, I cannot ignore the fact that they mostly act as a way to serve a metaphorical figure from a false cult. It makes me wary, as I ponder, would they still be the same person they are without having these beliefs?  How much about how they act is authentically them? How much about how they act is rooted in the values they gained from their indoctrination?  How much of this will influence how they act towards me? 

Not to mention their perception from right and wrong might be skewed. How do we know that what they think is right may be wrong in societal eyes? In theory, what if  we do get together but then they do something to me or to themselves that is very wrong but in their eyes it is very right? What then?

That's not even to mention my own issues. This relationship was founded on the basis of exclusion. It's very co-dependent, as we need the other to at least have some form of social interaction.  I don't think this would be the ideal type of relationship for me to jump directly into after not being with anyone for at least 10 years at this point, especially considering how badly that last one ended. And that was all my fault too. I was the one that chickened out, the one that ran away when the realization that the consequences of my actions were starting to catch up to me. Yes, I have grown-or atleast I THINK I have grown-  since then, but I still carry guilt. I don't even know what happened to my ex-boyfriend afterwards for him to end up how he is now. What if such a thing happens again? What if I chicken out again because things go horribly sideways and I can't handle being in a relationship anymore? What then? What will happen to me, to Two Time, to the both of us for the rest of eternity? Would such a disastrous outcome even be worth the sweetness that comes from the days that the honeymoon face presents to us? Will such bliss even remain afterwards? 

Mayhaps it is best to not enact anything for right now. It would be irresponsible of me to run faulty code that has data missing. I still need more time to figure out exactly what they want from me, and exactly what I want for myself, and for them and their well being. 

I just hope, that relationship or no relationship, I don't commit the same mistakes that I did in the past and that no one ends up hurt again.

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The next day had already arrived, but it was still what would be considered the dead  of night. The witching hours if you did. To be fair, the sky in this realm rarely was met with the face of the sun, so even in the middle of the day, everything was still incredibly dark and gloomy. And yet, the night still found a way to feel incredibly different somehow. Maybe it's because everyone was asleep anyways, so both inside and outside, the quietness of the realm could be felt.

It wasn't exactly quiet this night. They could hear some cicada chirping in the distance, and it was really starting to bug them. There were only two things that kept them from finding that little creature and shooing them away, that being the fact that it is rude to disturb nature, and also that the jingling of their accessories sometimes drowned out the noise. Thank the Spawn for welding and the ability to make jewelry, chains, charms and other doodads to adorn themselves with.

Two Time was out and about for their daily midnight walk that they had become rather accustomed to. It was the first thing they did when they woke up every single day. Go to sleep early, wake up early, so by the time the matches rolled around, they were already wide awake and working at full capacity while everyone else was groggy. A walk was always a nice way to wake up. Not too strenuous, but just enough to get their blood pumping. The only downside was that since the domain the survivors sat in was small, there really wasn't anywhere much to go or anywhere else they could see. At this point they began trying to learn to identify each  individual tree based on their bark so their brain could have something new to actually look at every single night. Much like people, each tree is their own organism. That's the beauty of nature, after all.  Praise spawn for making every living thing unique!

Two Time circled out of the forest and back into the main clearing where the main survivor cabin and the sleeping quarters sat to see if there was anything new of interest there. They had grown tired of looking intensively at tree bark from many different trees, at least for today. Usually, the survivor area was empty and desolate during the night, and they would usually go back into their cabin and wait for everyone else to wake up and for the first match to begin. However this time, there was an oddity, a disturbance in the mundane. And once they saw what it was, rather, who it was, they could feel themselves getting all giddy, skipping towards him. 

“007n7! Dearest!” They sang, approaching the much more groggy man , who was busy looking over something in his technological doo-dad“Hello and good morning to you! I hope you had pleasant dreams!”. They settled down and stood next to him, as they watched the half asleep man blink in confusion and rub his eyes, closing the device. Considering how he was still in sleeping attire (a shark outfit? interesting! ) and he was missing his signature burger hat (he kinda looked naked without it…. Mhhhmm…hmhmm..heh... wait. Goodness no, Two Time! What are you thinking?), it would be safe to assume that he had probably woken up minutes prior.

“.....mmh? Ouh….morning, Two Time” 007n7 murmured groggily, confirming their suspicions. “.....what time is it? Have the...others woken up yet?”

“Last time I checked it was near a bit more than 3 am! That was a while back however… but no, no one really wakes up this early.” they answered. “May I ask, what has awakened you, dearest companion? Were you not able to get proper rest?”

“Aum…..” he yawned “Guess ....I just had a bad dream… I suppose.”  

“Ah, apologies you weren't able to get proper sleep my friend, mayhaps the Spaw-”

“Two Time?” 007n7 interrupted them. 

That was the first time ever that 007n7 had interrupted them. They immediately stopped talking and their senses perked up. “...Yes? Dearest companion?”

“Aum….”he hesitated” why… are you awake so early?” and that was that. Such a simple question for such an important interaction milestone. Nevertheless, it would be rude to not give a thoughtful reply.

“This is just the usual time I wake up! “Early to bed and early to rise makes the robloxian healthy, wealthy and wise!” that's what they say!” they stated, as they saw 007n7 fully wake up. He looked at them with some sort of mild sweetness. “And… has such a thing come true?”

“Well, by all means I am not wealthy, but wealth has never mattered to me anyways. I've always been a more spiritual, kind of free person ya know? But I like to think of myself as healthy and wise!” They happily responded, and their companion nodded slowly. “Mmh… glad it worked out for you then.” and that was that. 007n7, man of few words. Even then, the words were picked thoughtfully and carefully. He never even told a single lie. Holding himself to such a high regard! Not even wasting a single word on nonsense. And the fact that he said so little filled him with an air of mystery that made Two Time want to get even more close to him.. Oh goodness!... He had them in a metaphorical chokehold! They were hooked!

(No! Bad Two Time! What would the Spawn think??? OOOUUUUUH!)

“You should maybe try it yourself! It could help with improving your win rate.. You know… getting a good night's rest and then being alert by the time the matches come… it would be a really good strategy, don't you think?” They suggested.

“Ah.. I'm not sure Two Time… I’ve never really been a morning person” was what he replied back with "I'd rather just stay awake during the night”

“Waking up during the middle of the night would still count as being awake in the night, no?”

“Ahh… if you put it that way… yeah..yeah.... But I'm still rather unsure…”was all the man offered back. Ok, now to be fair, they were getting a rather bit annoyed at him. Scratch everything they said earlier, as that seemed to ground them back into reality. Unwillingness to commit, unwillingness to change. At least he was honest about it! But gods… if only he could make up his mind for once… AUGHHHH!!! EVEN IF HE IS SO NICE ITS STILL SO HARD ACTUALLY KNOW IF HES CHANGED OR NOT!!! 

“You should still try it! What hurt will come if things go wrong? Better yet, what happens if things don't go wrong and it works in your favor!” They stated, still kinda chipper, but voice wavering a bit due to their bottled up annoyance “you’re not going to actually improve at anything or be able to change yourself  if you don't commit to anything”.

With that statement being brought out, however, something shifted inside of 007n7, and Two Time could very clearly tell because of his face. Furrowed brows, squinted eyes, and a slight frown as he looked directly at them, at their eyes. Was he… pissed that they called him out? Why was he pissed at them for pointing out HIS problems??? It's not Two Times' fault he IS this way! 

“Its harder than you think it is to commit to something, don't you realize that? Have you ever thought about it for a second? Evaluating everything that could happen to you from just a single decision? Or do you just commit to everything blindly and expect that things will go fine even if things are very clearly not going to go fine?” 007n7 bluntly stated, annoyance clearly shown, now looking away from Two Time “How blissful and carefree are you, that your biggest worry is just worrying for someone else?”

OH SPAWN… NOW THEY WERE STARTING TO GET PISSED!!! They could even FEEL their smile faltering even more and they tried their BEST to keep composed “Unlike you I have faith in the Spawn AND in others that things will go right for me.  Why even care if things go wrong? And for heaven’s sake, how do you even KNOW if THAT'S my biggest worry, HUH?!? What makes YOU the expert here? Why would YOUR judgment of the scenario be the final one?” they asserted

“Because unlike you I actually consider ALL the factors going into a situation instead of just relying on blind devotion to get the objectively best answer? Does it take longer? Yes, but is it more successful? ALSO YES! Don't you know how hard it is to keep all these variables in your head running day to day while trying to make the choices that won't get you excluded even further? Making choices that won't end up potentially hammering you physically and emotionally in this wretched realm?! Dont you know how FUCKING OVERWHELIMG THAT IS?!? Try analysing this miserable world the same way I have had to do, Two Time, and you’ll see WHY I’m so fucking indecisive” 007n7 spat, voice lightly more loud and firm, face clearly more angry but still avoiding looking at Two Time’s face. SPAWN HELP THEMMMM GODSSS now he was DEFENDING his indecisiveness! 

“YOU DO REALIZE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ALL OF THAT RIGHT?!? ITS JUST MAKING YOU FUCKING MISERABLE!!” They finally snapped, and that was enough to get 007n7 to look at them with surprise “Oh you can't do this because of that and you can't do that because of this! BITCH, JUST START TRUSTING YOUR HEART MORE!! Now tell me this. For spawns sake, ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO TRY TO BE BETTER OR NOT?!”

007n7 did not produce an immediate reply. The silence of the witching hours fell upon them. It was so quiet you could probably feel the sound of someone blinking. Apart from their rage towards their dearest companion for being so incompetent, the only other thing Two Time was able to notice was the rather weird feeling of not having their mouth in a smile for once. Huh! Interesting!

Eventually, 007n7, after much thinking in his big brain even though he was just told not to think as hard, produced a reply.

“It is not that easy for me Two Time. it never has and it never will be. So I'll tell you this” 007n7 began". I'm trying to be better. I HAVE been trying to be better ever since my son came into my life. Its been ten fucking years. My brain THINKS like this in the pursuit to be better because the last time I trusted my gut I ended up in this whole fukcing dilemma in the first place. And then when I got here, I just found out it was all for naught. I still want to be a better person than I was before, don't get me wrong, but if even if I act t better and become a better person than I was before, then whats the fucking point if no one is going to belive I have improved? Don't you see my problem? I want to help out of my own volition, but if I’m not ever going to see any result from the fruits of my labour and I'm still going to be isolated like this then why should I burn myself out like a shooting star?”

“FUCK the other surivors then. FUCK THEM. I didn't do ANYTHING as close as you did, you fucking sinner, and they're still wary of me. I don't care. I STILL help. I STILL contribute. After all, you can only find salvation within yourself and not within some randos that dont CARE about YOU. And if YOU really value how others feel about you, then think about how I FEEL about you! I WANT you to get better, I WANT you to improve so you can be saved from your SINS. I'm trying to help you because I LOVE you and I don't want to LOSE you. Because if I lose you then we both might as well be DEAD!!”

007n7’s anger seemed to kind of vanish completely from his face, and his face returned to that of normalcy…somewhat. There was still something off, something that was keeping him from agreeing and being like “oh yeah Two Time! I see what you mean!” However, they could see in his eyes that a wave of confusion was beginning to settle. He softly quavered, dumbfounded “....You… really… love me? As in-”

“How… how oblivious are you?” Two Time interrupted, feeling tears well up in their eyes “Was it not… obvious?? I thought it was fucking obvious.. I thought that. Since I always talked to you, checked up on you, helped you…CALLED YOU DEAREST FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! I THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS, FOR SPAWNS SAKE!! I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING, 007n7, but I guess I was WRONG! So tell ME. What are we, 007n7. What are we? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE?!?”

Two Time wasn't sure what they were expecting from 007n7. Maybe an apology? Maybe a definitive “nah were just friends”, maybe just a straight up rejection of any and all ideals. Instead, 007n7 stood there, silent, eyes widened, but brain clearly at work… calculating… calculating…didnt they JUST tell this guy to start spitting stuff out instead of thinking so much?? SPAWN DAMMIT! They grabbed him by his onesie and started shaking him while they waited for a reply (like that was even gonna help him think faster), sobbing and wailing for SOMETHING to be said.

“....I’m …I’m… I'm so sorry Two Time, but I still need more time to think about…this. About everything. About.. us. ” was the only reply Two Time got,  soft, of course, but it was barely louder than a whisper. And with that, 007n7 gently pushed Two Time off from him, and walked to the door of the survivor cabins, stepping inside and then closing the door right behind him. And the worst part of it all is that they didn't even get enough time to read his face. 

Two time ran after him but was unable to get to him before the door closed on them. They tried opening it. No luck. It was locked. They fell to their knees in front of the door, just staring at it intently with blurry vision

“YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!” they wailed, banging their fists against the door “I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE THAT I LOVE YOU! I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I HATE THAT YOU MAKE ME SO SWEETLY ILL. MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY! MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!? IM JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU BE SAVED FROM ETERNAL DAMNATION SO WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THIS. FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU AND THE TURMOIL YOU HAVE CAUSE ME!!”

They kept crying as they banged on the door till the morning actually came and the other survivors woke up and it was time for the matches to begin. Their arms were sore, their fists hurt, and their eyes felt puffy. At that point, most of the grief wallowed away and was replaced with a more disorienting feeling. It was rather sad that despite all of that happening they would still have to get on their end game and pretend everything was fine, no?  Fuck him but, fuck them too. 

The only thing that brought them comfort was that there was no one else there to witness what happened in the dead of the night

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Gosh dangit. You blew it. You blew it. You blew it. Why didn't you listen to them? Gods, why is it so hard for you to be able to speak from the heart? 

It was FOOLISH of me to think we actually HAD something, wasn't it? Think about it, was I  just looking at everything through rose tinted glasses? Was I? Is he actually nice and was this just a special instance, is he actually this oblivious,  or has he always been this cold?

Oh my god, Im dumb , I'm so so so dumb. People aren't pieces of code, of course, they're more complex than that. Why can’t it just get through this thick skull of mine? I could with my son even though I thought that it was impossible prior. Why cant I just fucking do it again? 

I deserved to hear everything they screamed when they were trying to tear down that door. I deserve everything I have coming for me afterwards and more. 

I don't know what to do, what can I do? I let my mask slip, I can't go back now, I can't pretend everything is fine now. It would be too obvious, it would feel too fake. He knows too much now. He knows he knows he knows he knows too much. Why did I lose my composure? Why was I so selfish? Why am I so greedy? So dependent? 

I need a second to. Just process everything that happened right now. I feel like I was too dismissive of some of their points. I feel like other times I just misinterpreted what they had to say. I should have just been honestly like I could be before. Why can't I do that?

I just. I just don't know how to feel. Like. I don't have the words to express it. I just feel bad now. I feel really really bad. 

I can say for certain now however that even if they’re being influenced by the Spawn, they still majorly care about me out of their own volition. It's so tragic I only realized this until now. 

I need to be faster, I can't just keep them waiting for me. 

I can’t let someone keep waiting for me. Not again. Not after my son. Not after my ex. Not again. 

It is important to be kind, be patient, and be courteous. And sure, I became enraged because I was getting annoyed at him thinking long and hard about what to do and just overall avoidant nature, something I thought of as a good thing until it blew up in my face. I still think I would be justified to get annoyed at that. It's just. The way I went about communicating my own issues was ALL WRONG!! Why was I so angry and violent about it? Why did I have to hammer it all in at once? Why did I let my own rage take over? Bad Two Time! Bad Two Time!  As per the word of the Spawn, that is no way to treat another human being!

I cannot keep going on like this, can I? When they said that if we separate completely, the romantic or platonic bond in question, they weren't wrong. Again, if we can't turn to each other, where else can we go? Maybe the in-group could finally accept them, but they would have to suppress their cultist beliefs which would leave them in a worse state. Not saying I condone them, it's just unfortunate.

I'm even worse off.  Realistically, how long could I go with eternal self isolation? A few months, maybe even a whole year, but no further than that. I was already losing grip of myself when my son was kidnapped, and even then I pushed forward for the chance that one day he would come home and be safe in my arms. Now here, without any hope of seeing anyone again and being forced to face my own past mistakes over and over again, I would probably be driven mad. I'd probably try anything to just break out of my misery, even if it means death. Again.

Maybe then I'll get what I deserve. 

I'm no better than him, aren't I? Am I? I've stayed in line with my beliefs, haven't I? I'm better in theory? But in reality? I don't know. I don't know. ….I wish I had my guidance back, I hate it here, being all alone! I hate the coldness, I hate the lack of space, the lack of variety, I hate being alone. I hate having to interpret the word of Spawn on my own.. I'm not that bright! What If I mess up? What if I throw away everything I worked so hard for! I just want to be a good person and not cause conflict , why does it feel so hard to achieve? I'm so close after I did the proper sacrifice ritual even though it still EATS me from the inside out and it makes me light headed mentioning it and it makes me want to throw up thinking about it. I miss them every day. They were the person I was closest to, ever. I  thought I could have had that again, to have someone to be as close to me even though it was wrong. It's ALL WRONG I SHOULDN'T EVEN THINK  ABOUT THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

 ...but… I pushed him too hard and put him in an awkward spot. By my sheer existence I made this awkward for the both of us. Now I  dont know what to do.

“Oh but 007n7 you’re not a people person you always work solo you can just do it on your own” I don think thats an excuse anymore. I don't think that has ever been an excuse. 

I told myself that when I led Noli astray. Sure, whatever. A mortal like me getting involved with a god, especially a mortal that actively seeked that god? Bound to fail. But I was still young, reckless and stupid so I couldn't care less.  But once he was losing his grip of power and the admins were cracking down on him, I was the one that suggested for him to go hunt down the voidstar. I said I would go with him even if it was pretty stupid for me, a mortal, to go. And yet, I never actually went. I left him to the point of no return. And now…hes ... well, no matter what he claims, he's seen better days.

That was the first time I destroyed the life of someone that was close to me. And I just convinced myself that it was ok because I could just go back to operating as one unit  like nothing happened and that he would be fine because he was SO much powerful than me… eugh

 How much more do I have to do to be the perfect person?  Why is it so hard? Why does doing anything feel so hard?

I hate it here. I fucking hate it here. I cannot emphasize this enough.I wanna go home. I wanna be home with my old friends. I wanna see the priests again. I wanna see the wildlife at its fullest potential, all the plants- bushes, trees, flowers, weeds, grass-  in the commune. I wanna see the sun again and feel the warmness of my skin. I want to feel community again. The Spawn and my fellow believers gave me community when I was denied it by everyone else in my old life. And now I'm just back to square one because I'm being denied everything again by some being that thinks themselves greater than the Spawn. I wanna go home, I wanna be held by someone, I want to roll down grass fields, be cherished, be kissed. I just want someone to tell me that everything will be fine. I just want someone to believe in me. I just want to make it out alive and well… I don’t wanna lose my grip on myself, is that too much to ask?

Then it was my son. My poor poor son. 

I promised that I could be better, that I would be better, that I could grow and mature to be better. He loved me dearly, he loves me dearly, I can see it. But I wouldn't be surprised if he resented me. I had to work so much in order to support us that I feel like I barely saw him. He was mostly left alone, wasn't he? I should have been more attentive. I had a feeling he had no friends, that he was being bullied at first, but I never pressed on. I was too scared to. Why didn't I do that? I could have saved him from harm.

When he found the old c00lgui, a tool I should have destroyed as soon as I had stopped using it, I didn't do anything about it. I just kept hiding it, praying that he would never find it again, but I underestimate how smart kids are. He always found it no matter what I did. And yet I never destroyed it even though I should have. I just should have. And I just stood there, idly, watching him commit the same mistakes that I did in the past, just at a more vulnerable, much  younger age. I should have been harsher, I should have grounded him for the rest of eternity,  but my heart couldn't do such a thing.  It was all my fault from the start too. If I had always been there for him to begin with and fixed my schedule around so he could actually see me, we wouldn't be here. He wouldn't have been as lonely, he wouldn't have started the exploiter group that wrecked havoc across all of Robloxia. He wouldn't have gotten such mass influence at such a young age that frankly no child, especially one that didn't even hit the double digits at the time, should have. His mental state would still have been ok, he wouldn't have gone missing and we wouldn't even be here in the first place. Every time I see him I'm just reminded of all my faults and how my avoidance and neglect caused someone to be put in a state of peril yet again. Why did I let someone down again? Why can't I be a good father, a good partner, a  good person?

I wonder, will I ever see the sun again? Will I ever be free? What have I missed? Did I actually misinterpret the word of Spawn eons ago and I am now paying for it?  Did I secretly do something  horribly wrong and is this my punishment for me? Was getting my second life actually worth it now that I know I'm just going to be stuck here again and again no matter what I do? 

I'm lost, I'm confused, I don't know what to do but I feel sick. I'm sick at myself for ending up here in the first place. I feel sick at myself when I end up being excluded again. I feel sick knowing I ended up falling in love again even though I swore up and down I would in order to honor their memory by never getting with anyone ever again. I hate myself for even trying to pursue all of this in the first place. I feel sick that I fell in love with HIM out of all people, but I'm also mad because I feel like I saw something in him that no one else did and now thanks to my behavior he's probably never ever going to want to see me again. I fucked up I fucked up so bad.

First Noli, then c00lkidd, and now Two Time.

“You don't need anyone, you can do it alone. You have been alone, and you will stay alone. It is for the best of you. People are unpredictable. They will fail you. They will hurt you. They will tear you apart. They're uncontrolled variables. They will get in your way.” 

What a load of bullshit that was I believed. No wonder I was - and still am- such a shitty person.

It is true. I will perish here if I'm alone, one way or another, physically or mentally. Someone offered me their helping hand, and all I did was push it away because I was unsure how to feel about them. Understandable in any other setting, but I don't really have options here, do I?  Especially since now that I see it with a new point of view, there's more upsides about them than downsides. I can't change the fact that I have been an avoidant and a chicken in the past, running away from my problems once they became too much, but I can change that fact in the present right now. I will not let myself fall into this trap a third time. I have to not only be communicative with Two Time, but find a way to fix everything that happened right now. That's it. I made up my mind…

I think that maybe I need to backtrack a couple of steps. Even past all my yearning I can't change the fact that I'm here now. I can't change anything down. I can't choose my own path. The Spawn chooses my path for me. I need to focus on what's in the moment rather than get stuck in the past or yearn for the future.

I can't change how I feel about him, right now, at this moment, and even if he has made me mad, he still makes me sick. Ill. from love. From everything good in this world. Even past his avoidance and incompetence he's still rather gentle, sweet.  Whenever he chooses to work on his problems it's his choice. It isn't something I can't control. I have to accept that. The most I can do is steer him in the right direction.  Do I think he's a sinner? Well, yes. But do I think he can be redeemed? Yes. And if he does redeem himself, I want to be there to welcome him with open arms. I might be critical of him, but I still love him unconditionally.

I'm sorry Azure, but I have failed you. I  tried my best to remain faithful to you, but I can't keep going like this anymore. I tried my best to do everything right, in the name of the Spawn, and in the name of you, but I cannot go like this any longer. Otherwise I'm going to destroy myself further. Spawn, please forgive me for all my sins. I will continue to work and to get better so I can be purified yet again. And Azure, please forgive me for everything that happened. If you’re mad, I understand, but we have to part ways.

There's still one more person I need to address. 007n7. For how I handled everything, of course….

I must apologize.

.

.

.

Matches were over once again, and it was now again late at night. Again, survivors were congregated in the main cabin. Except Dussekar and Builderman. They were at the  pier, fishing, waiting for fish that will never appear. Maybe the illusion of them fishing was enough. Otherwise, no one was in the cabins, and no one was outside in the main clearing. In the small forest behind the cabins, however, it was a different story. 

007n7 stood looking at the beginning of the sea of trees, and he gulped. He knew that there probably wasn't any creature in there, otherwise it would have made itself very clear, but still, he was nervous. A forest IS a forest, and apart from corn mazes, forests are the best destinations to get lost in. And since there's no corn mazes here…well…

007n7 already searched everywhere else for any sign of the sentinel. Cabins, pier, clearing, rooms, even the bathrooms. No luck. It was empty. And since there isn't much place to go here otherwise… well…

Augh.. it shouldn't be that hard, right? Just listen for any jingling. The jingling of chains. Like a windchime. It's such an unnatural noise in the woods after all. It would be easier to find Two Time that way (sneaky little fella this guy is). Well, what can he do now… just swallow your fears, and go forward! 

For the first time ever, 007n7 stepped foot inside of the forest, and went further and further in, walking directly in a straight line.

 No jingles, not yet, but… it was rather strange to see that there really wasn't that much in this forest. Just. trees and grass. Not even a fun kind of tree. Evergreens. They don't even change color. Animal wise. Not much. Just cicadas, ringing through the night. There wasn't much of anything to do apart from that. Trees, cicadas and grass. God knows what Two Time actively did here anyways? To be fair, he had just been walking the same direction but if this was how one sector of the forest looked… well… he wasn't ecstatic to see the rest. 

Not after long, the trees cleared out, and 007n7 found himself  in what should have been a small clearing in the forest, but only half of it was present, as the other half, and the rest of the forest was engulfed in a black and red swirling barrier. Mhh. must be the Spectres work. The clearing itself was ok. It was wider at its sides than it was long, being shaped more like an oval than a circle. There were some blue bells and daisies in the clearing, which gave something more for the eye to look at. Upon closer inspection, there were some plants that were just freshly pulled out.The sky gave away for a beautiful look at the night sky,  moon motley visible despite all the fogginess surrounding it.  However, apart from that, the clearing offered not much. 007n7 walked to the barrier and pressed his hand against it. It didn't move at all, and just kept swirling as if it hadn't been disturbed. This was the boundary line for this part of the survivor's grounds, he assumed.

And then, he hears it, past the cicadas and past the humming of static of the late night. The jingling he was looking for. He turned to face to the left of where he was standing, and there they were, smiling once again, frolicking, frisking and spinning around, adorned by a flower crown that was probably made by themselves. They were humming what seemed to be a child’s lullaby, accessories producing a soft melody as they traveled. It seems despite 007n7’s search to find Two Time, they had found a way to still find him first, even if they hadn't realized it. 

They seemed to be in such a good mood. 007n7 now felt bad because he felt like his very present might sour it. 

Well, no time to waste, not now. Especially not now. 007n7 began walking towards their companion, and he called out their name.

“Two Time!”

The cultist immediately stopped in their tracks, the melody that followed them dying down. They stood as 007n7 approached them, hands on their sides and overall demeanor being neutral, but still standing with a lack of smile. Well.. at least they weren't getting ready to jump him. And yet, that still completely caught him off guard.

Silence yet again, and it was clear they were just waiting for him to state the reason why they were approaching him in the first place. And once the initial shock wore off, 007n7 mentally panicked. Not again! Fucccccck! Forget about being nice and concise, just spit it out!!

“I.. um.. I” He scrambled to put his words together “You know what? Im just. I’m sorry for not listening to you, ok. You had some really good points and you have been nothing but nice to me but all I have responded with was ignorance, avoidance and complete obliviousness. To be truthful I was just scared of saying or doing something wrong that might have ended with you being hurt, but it seems my lack of doing or addressing anything hurt you more.” a pause “I'm sorry. Again. I have a lot of issues I still need to work on. I'll try to be better”

Two Time’s eyes widened, but they didn't seem angry by any means. Eventually, there was a glimmer inside of them, and they cracked their signature smile again “Well, im glad you finally came around, no? See! I knew you could do it!” they grabbed both of 007n7’s hands again, squeezing them “I, ah um..,this feels really silly now but I wanted to apologize aswell… I think I stated everything too harshly, I kinda blew up on you. Apologies, dearest. I shouldn't have been as mean  I should have kept my composure and handled things differently”

“Nah. you’re cool, don't worry. I kind of needed that wake up call. In a place like this I can't live for just myself anymore. I have to cherish the people I have and not run away from them because of my problems. Basically, we're even now.”

“Good to know! Good to know!” They gleamed “Praise the Spawn for understanding and forgiveness!”

“Aslo…”007n7 continued, getting a better grip on Two Time’s hands and bringing them closer to him "I've been thinking about what you also made me realize… and I think now I’ve actually have an answer” he lifted their arms,  leaned down and kissed their hands “I think… I think that it might be worth a shot, no? I don't feel as hesitant as I felt prior. You’re going to be forced to put up with silly old me if that's too much of a problem but…no problem is without its solution. So… how do you feel about officially being partners?”

Two Time immediately turned red as a tomato, flustered out of their mind, swirly eyes and squiggly smile. That should have been answered enough, but their words just confirmed it. “Ah! AH! Aum! Yes yes! Sounds good! Mmh..mhm.h!! Yes yes! Mmhmh!” they blushed “oh Spawn help me…I cant get too excited right now…ouououou….” 007n7 let go of their arms and placed his hands on their cheeks “It's gonna be ok. Calm down. Remember to breathe” he stated, in an attempt to help this poor disoriented soul. That seemed to do absolutely nothing, however, as they turned more red. “Ouh… dearest…your hands are so rough… but in a good way… wait no what am I saying?? Apologies…Forget I said anything…mmhm...mmhhh” they spluttered, and all that 007n7 could do was give a light hearted sigh as he waited for his now partner to compose himself. “It's ok.. You're going to live…its not the end of the world dear”

“Oymgosh youcalledme dear ursosweetifeelill iamgoingtodie” they spluttered yet again. How long were they holding all these feelings in for? Considering how they were holding in their anger… well… this seemed like the other extreme? Oh gods? They’re… very passionate.

007n7 let go off Two Time’s face and put his hands on their shoulders, and that seemingly stabilized them a bit. “You can express how you’re feeling ok? Just don't do it all at once.. I don't want you passing out” and that was enough for Two Time to straighten out and shake their head in an attempt to compose themselves, returning back to their usual state of being “ahh! Understood! I was kinda messing with ya anyways” they leaned in and kissed 007n7's cheek “There’s much better reasons to get excited for anyways.. Right dearest?”

007n7 couldn't help getting all red in the face too, as he was caught off guard himself. “Y-yeah! You’re right… dearest..” and he felt a big  jolly smile spreading across his face too.

Although he was still rather surprised at how quickly this was resolved, and with not that much issue too, he was still rather glad that it was resolved in what could be the best way possible. 007n7 wouldn't have known what to do otherwise, and what would have happened if everything went down in the shitter. But honestly. Past all the doubts and the troubles and possible poems and just having the ability to focus in the moment, seeing Two Time genuinely smile for like the first time in god knows how long, it felt good! It felt really good and soft and warm and all those good things. And it made him want to smile, too

007n7 may be unsure what the future may hold for them, and there may be hurdles along the way. Obviously, no one is without their faults. But one thing he knows is that this might be one sweet sweet adventure.