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My ears are ringing, pain erupting through the side of my head. The world had started to seem not ... right.
It had gone so quiet, silent even, the stars above me were swaying in the sky, going around and around. Like a merry go ride.
Everything was spinning, my hand reaches the side of my stomach, a small laugh slipping between my cracked lips. There was a metal rod, lodged between my gut, a weird sticky red colour staining me, I couldn’t feel my feet.
For the first time in my life, I didn’t hurt. No pain coursing through my hands, chest.
It was so stupid.
I was so stupid.
A silly little villain, a silly plan, a silly mistake.
I stumble sideways, clutching a broken wall to keep myself up-right. Everything was crumbling down, breaking at my touch.
My fingers felt electric, energy and heat flickering over them, sparks cracking feebly from each hand. I was floating, my body light, mind clear, it was all so calm, so simple. One step, then another, I pulled myself forward, gravel and glass crunching under my feet.
All so simple.
So stupidly simple.
It’s as if my head was underwater, words and shouting blurring into one constant painful screech. The mission was easy, break in, knock ‘em out, take the information, save the kids, get out.
Five simple steps.
But no, everything had to go wrong, the kids out got, that’s the good thing. We saved the kids. The information however, wasn’t bloody there, instead fifty or so more villains were waiting. Far more than we anticipated.
Shit.
Black sports swam through my vision, I need to get out.. but I blew up the building. Eveyone got out. So I -
Shit.
My knees buckled, blood and dirt had left a hell like trail behind me, a sick reminder of my presence. Everyone else was dead, broken and bleeding, I alone stood a monster in a hero suit. Glass cut deep into my shoulder and arms, ripping apart my skin with each movement, driving itself dipper into my flesh. Staring I see the weird pole was still poking out of my side.
Strange.
Everything’s moving slowing, the stars still taunting me, spinning around and around - vaulters of the night - waiting for me to stop fighting the invertible. Anticipating for the second that death would take my hand.
Because I would die.
I would die.
I’m laughing and I don’t know why, maybe because of how absurd this all was.
Today had been like any other day. I woke up at 5:05am, had coffee and breakfast with Izuku, headed to my apartment gym, went on a run all before shift started.
It was painful, how ordinary it had all been. So fucking ordinary.
Kirishima had called me, he had sounded so excited, wanted to ask me something after work, fairly sure it was about his wedding. Maybe he was going to ask me to be best man.
Guess I won’t be able to make it. I had waved him off, glaring as he smiled so happily. I didn’t even say goodbye. I had some texts from my mum, I never opened, god I wish I did.
And Izuku.
I never told him. The last thing I said to him was to fucking leave. He had the kids, he was on the mission with me, and I had screamed at him to get out. I’m glad he’s alive, he has to be. Please.
The world was crumbling around me, sirens and yelling so distant. The villains were dead, I hadn’t ment to kill them, did I?
I don’t know.
I don’t know anymore.
It started to rain.
Soft at first, a gentle breeze, a violent contrast to the massacre surrounding me. Moonlight catching its corners making it a holy vale, used to wash away the hideous display I had made.
Its desperate attempts at covering this sin was to no-prevail, pathetic really. Stupid rain.
I always thought red was beautiful, the way it draws your eye, I always through it was special, how I was special.
In reality red is cold, painful. No one liked to see its mark, the heart sinking feeling, the way your stomach drops as you see it painted over your friend.
People hate that red.
And I am living within it.
Puddles form around me, pooling off broken chunks of cement. Letting the blood spread through the destruction, as the rain lashed down harder. Getting accustomed to the pain of this place, replicating my emotions as a storm.
I’ve always hated the rain.
Life hadn’t felt real, for a long time now.
A dream of my world, a faint memory of what could be, a reality which I would eventually have to wake up from. I had been smiling, more than I had in years, more than I ever thought I could.
My friends and I were still in contact, meeting up every week or so to catch up, always at mine or Mina’s place.
I had Izuku of course, I loved him, we both knew it. Though for some reason we never spoke it aloud, god I should have. Regret runs deep, cutting me apart bit by bit. I hope he understands.
Kirishima and Mina were engaged, god they were so happy. I remember when he first told me he was going to propose. That stupid, puppy dog like grin plastered over his face, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. That must have been one of the few times I’ve properly hugged him.
I don’t know why I’ve started thinking of my friends, is this what happens when you’re dying?
A rotting sensation fills my heart, decaying the flesh pulled taunt over ivory bones. Innocence left desecrated on the door mat of my ribs.
I want to go home.
Staring at my hands, the skin looks burnt, broken, I’ve lost three of my fingers, my knee is shattered, I can’t feel my feet.
I’ve never felt so utterly afraid, I’m terrified, I want my mum to wake me up, carry me in her arms while running her fingers through my hair. To whisper how it was just a bad dream, how she has me and none of it can hurt me.
Through the yelling and insults, she had been there for me, smiling on the sidelines. When I grew up I’d pushed her away, believing I was too old to that kind of affection, god I miss it. I miss my mum.
I want to sleep, lay in bed, hidden away from this downpour, far from this agonising mural I had created. Buildings hanging the bodies of the very people who created it, washed down with water and blood.
The cityscape used to be one of my favourite views, lying on the highest points, king of the world.
Using artificial light to create its own solar system upon concrete structures, cars flying by as shooting starts, whirling past the tarmac, making lines of light stain the streets.
The thundering heartbeat of footsteps upon the pavement would echo amongst the wind, fleeting throughout people’s feet, picking up secrets from brief seconds of conversation. Carrying their words all the way to where I was hidden along the rooftops, the sun on the back of my hair.
Now I can’t even image the sunlight, only overwhelmed by nothingness. I can’t see, my vision deteriorating until I’m only able to figure out the faint outlines of what surrounds me.
My head leans against a broken pillar as I stare out into the night, where a world of street lamps and stories should be winding beneath me.
I’m twenty six years old.
I have a pet cat who my parents have been looking after, I have a studio apartment where me and Izuku have been living in for the past four months. I am supposed to cook dinner tonight. I booked a restaurant reservations for all my friends in nine days. My cousin is having her second child, I’m invited to Mina and Kirishimas wedding, Ochaco wanted me to help her move into her new house. Jiro is realising her sixth album, we were going to celebrate.
I’m twenty six and I’m dying.
I wish the rain would stop.
Please.
I’m sorry.
Footsteps fills my mind as my vision sways in and out of consciousness. My fingers trailing shapes upon the edge of the pole.
A horrid red stained my very bones, my soul. People hate that red.
But I’ve always thought it was beautiful.
Special.
If I’m going to die, can’t it just be over already. Taunting me with these dragging seconds, pulling my breath away as soon as I make a move. God this has been a long time, alone with the rain franticly trying to rid my pain from the earth. Aimlessly washing away blood which only pools around me once more.
The world is so quiet now.
So far away.
I could have done better, tried harder. I don’t want to be forgotten, I don’t want to be an old memory people avoid, my name spoken as if sin; a subject locked away. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to go. I’m not ready to go.
I wanted to do, be so much more.
I never reached number one, I never beat All Might. I never won. I’ve lost.
I don’t want to die.
I never said goodbye.
…