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Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 015 [2-01]: The Fourth Hull

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

This episode is written in a semi-script format.

Opening Theme:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct

If you're gonna' stand on my neck

Then you'd better check under the sea

Cause that is where you'll find me

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water

Sealab!

At the bottom of the Sea!

Date: Unknown

We cut to the interior of Sealab as several crew members sit around a large table with envelopes, tablets, and papers. There are some computers in the room, with Upchuck stationed at one of them. He looks over at the camera before returning to his duties.

The camera zooms in before stabilizing and focusing on the various crew members sitting around the table. They include: Daria Morgendorffer, Amy Barksdale, Jodene Sparks, Hank Murphy, Quentin Q. Quinn, Debbie Dupree, Jane Lane, Quinn Morgendorffer, Stacey Rowe, Stormy, Marco, Anthony DeMartino, and Bellerophon Shanks.

"Okay," Quentin begins, "I think we should start with the basic fan mail first." "Ooh! Can I read?" Quinn asks. "I should hope so," Quentin jokes. "Huh?" "I think you mean to ask: 'May I read?'" Quentin says. Quinn growls. "Okay, may I read the first piece of fan mail?" she asks.

"Go ahead," Quentin says. Captain Murphy just stares blankly into space. Quinn looks at the first envelope she picks up and reads the message to herself first.

"Dear Sealab crew,

Why do none of you notice when the place explodes at the end of every other episode?"

"Well, that's an interesting question," Quentin posits. "I can answer that," Shanks says as he raises his hand. "Ya see, the continuity of Lawndale 2021 is tenuous at best, and contradictory at worst. While some episodes definitely occur after or before each other in a noticeable chronological fashion, the fact remains that often, most characters only remember either the general events or only certain parts of those episodes," Shanks explains.

Everyone raises their eyebrows in a questioning manner. "See, Daria, during the Alvis episode, you mentioned that you were having nightmares about a strange spider/shrimp monster. That was a reference to the episode that preceded it, which was a straight-forward horror story in the vein of movies like Alien, Leviathan, and Deepstar Six," Shanks continues explaining, stopping occasionally for breath.

"You also mentioned that you were having a three-way with Jane Lane and Tom Sloane, which was a reference to your talk with Amy during episode twelve," Shanks says as Daria and Jane both blush. "Um, Captain Shanks, I think you've given everyone a THOROUGH enough ANSWER to that question," DeMartino says with a slightly uncomfortable tone.

"Um, guys? May I read some fan mail?" Upchuck asks from his computer station. "No!" everyone shouts at him. Suddenly, Hesh Hepplewhite barges into the room. "Hey, I heard y'all were reading some smokin' hot fan mail! Hesh wants to read fan mail too!" he proclaims before tripping over a power cable.

"Um, Upchuck, maybe we'll let you read one fan letter," Amy says. "Right now?" Upchuck asks eagerly. "Sure," Amy says. "Might as well get it out of the way now," she says out loud. "RRRrowwll!" Upchuck purrs in delight. "Do that again, and we will revoke this privilege," Debbie warns him.

"Yes, Ma'am," Upchuck says compliantly. "Ahem, here's one that shouldn't get me in any trouble," Upchuck says after spending a minute searching the e-mails on the computer.

"Dear Sealab,

Why is Debbie Love only mentioned in one episode?"

"Hmm, I guess it has to do with the fact that she spends most of her time around the orphans, and that includes Dolphin Boy," Debbie says. "Yeah, we generally don't like dealing with Dolphin Boy," Daria says without remorse. "He's a creepy little freak," DeMartino says out loud.

"Even Mr. O'Neill doesn't like him," DeMartino says. "One time, he called a bunch of dolphins into the moon pool and they tried to pull off my outfit so he could see me naked!" Debbie exclaims. "I believe that Black Debbie was supposed to make an appearance in that episode where you went maternal, but she was cut for reasons involving pacing or something," Shanks comments.

"Okay," Daria says, "I'll read the next one."

"Dear Sealab,

Three questions: First, why are there two versions of Lord of the Deep available on the Paper Pusher Message Board?

Second, will both versions of Lord of the Deep be made available on Fan Fiction dot net, or only one?

Third, will the original first draft of Lord of the Deep ever be made available for people to read?"

Daria looks into the camera with an expression that is a mix between bemusement and contempt. "To answer your third question: NO. The original draft of Lord Of The Deep was one of the most unfunny and painfully written things that we have ever been in. It will never see the light of day," Daria says. "And, to my own knowledge, it is quite probable that the author deleted the original draft after posting the other two versions on the Paper Pusher Message Board," Daria finishes.

"Hmm, what about the first question?" Jane asks. "Well... I don't know. I can only speculate that while the author clearly thought that the version posted in the SDCU-0001-AAAA thread was the final official version, he was probably also fond enough of the second version to put it on the [daria swim] thread as a treat for readers. And for the second question, the other version is again only available as a treat to Paper Pusher Message Board members/readers/viewers."

"I'll go next," DeMartino says as he picks up a piece of paper.

"Dear Sealab,

Why doesn't Mr. DeMartino talk with his usual voice and speech pattern that was heard in the canon Daria series?"

"Well," DeMartino says as he looks at the camera, "Because I've been placed in an environment where I'm only exposed to the stupidity of Lawndale High's student population for brief durations instead of day after day, I find myself to be far less stressed out than I was in the canon Daria series. Okay, next question."

Jane picks up a piece of paper and looks at it.

"Dear Sealab crew,

In the Bizarro episode, Debbie Dupree became very upset and jealous when Bizarro Amy and Bizarro Debbie were having sex with Dr. Quinn. She even goes so far as to call him a bastard for going along with their three-way. Yet, in an earlier episode, when Debbie desires to have a baby, she has no problem sleeping with Amy or anyone else for that matter, and she clearly references other people who she's had sex with even while going out with Dr. Quinn. Why has no one pointed out this hypocrisy?"

"You know," Jane says as she looks at Debbie, "That is a good point." Debbie clearly looks uncomfortable with this question. "Um... pass!" she says as she grabs a letter from the table and begins reading it aloud.

"Dear Sealab,
Why is cap murfy still in charge while Shanks is onbored. Dont u know that Shank only arrive after Murphy leave? How come u bad at stuff leik this? Why is Mr Demarno a commandeer? in Dara he only a teacher did he change job? Also the elevater episode suck coz it not very funny or have stuff blowing up."

"Sincerely, a twelve year-old who doesn't understand the meaning of fan fiction or proper spelling and grammar," Jane adds with a smirk. "Um, should we even try to respond to that one?" Daria asks. "Nah, don't bother," Shanks says.

"Hesh is back on his feet now!" Hesh shouts as he sits down at the table. "Hesh, get out of here," Debbie says. "No! Hesh wants attention! Hesh demands he be allowed to read fan letters!" "Fine!" Quentin says. "If we let you read one, will you go away?" "Maybe," Hesh says. "Here, take one," Quentin says as he hands a piece of paper to Hesh. Hesh pulls out his own paper and dismisses the one in Quentin's hand.

"Ahem,

Dear Sealab,

Why is there so little screen time for Hesh Hepplewhite? You know that he is the smartest and handsomest and sexiest man on the station. How come he never gets to have sex with any of the hot women or do anything heroic like he should?" Hesh reads out loud. "Give me that!" Quentin shouts as he takes the paper from Hesh's hands.

"There's nothing written on here!" Quentin exclaims. "Dammit, Hesh!" Marco exclaims angrily. "Um, um... Hesh is-" "Get out of here now, before we lock you in a room with Dolphin Boy!" Murphy threatens. Hesh runs away, only to trip on a power cable and fall on his face again.

"Okay, who wants to go next?" DeMartino asks. "How about Captain Murphy?" Amy suggests. "Uh, okay," Murphy says as he picks up a letter.

"Dear Sealab,

Are Amy Barksdale and Jodene Sparks in a sexual relationship?"

"Well, that was pretty blunt," Murphy comments. Amy turns to look at the camera and takes a breath. "Well, the answer is that, yes, we are having relations every couple of weeks, but mostly for fun. Our relationship isn't exactly a serious one," Amy says calmly.

"Wait, you're having sex with a convict?" Jane asks her. "Yes, but only on occasion," Amy replies. "Is he any good?" Jane asks, prompting Daria to go slack-jawed in shock. "Jane! You have me... and Tom! And... sometimes, Elsie," Daria says, hurt. "Sorry, I was just curious. I'll make it up to you later tonight," Jane says to her in an apologetic tone as she covers one of Daria's hands with her own. "Hey, speaking of me, how about I read some fan mail?" Sparks suggests as he raises his hand. "Sure, knock yourself up-I mean out," Daria says.

"Dear Sealab,

In the original Sealab 2021, Dr. Quinn was mentioned and confirmed to be a cyborg in several episodes. Is that still the case in this series?"

Sparks looks at the camera. "Well, with the exception of that three-parter with the shrimp thing, yes. Doctor Quinn is indeed still a cyborg. We just haven't really had a chance or an excuse to bring it up, aside from a sadly wasted opportunity in Re-Shermanator," Sparks says.

Daria clears her throat as she picks up a letter.

"Dear Sealab,

Will we ever see the Bizarros again?"

Daria looks into the camera and frowns. "I should certainly hope not."

"I'll go next," Jane says as she picks up a letter. "Ooh, this one's interesting!"

"Dear Sealab,

Where are Helen and Jake? Are they dead? Is Amy actually Daria's mother in this universe? Did she sleep with Jake, did she sleep with someone else, or did she create Daria through parthenogenesis?"

"Did I pronounce that word correctly?" Jane asks Daria. "Which one?" "Par-then-o-genesis?" Jane says. "Yes, technically," Daria says. She and Amy both look into the camera. "Okay, let's get this straight. Helen and Jake are not dead. They are both alive, but they're working at a facility on land because their transfer forms were screwed up," Amy says.

"Also, Amy is not my mother. I sometimes wish that she were, but she isn't, although she does fill the role quite nicely since Mom and Dad aren't down here with us," Daria says with a shrug. "Aww, thank you, Daria," Amy says to her with a smile. "You're quite welcome," Daria replies. "Wait... you aren't Daria's mother?" Stormy asks her in surprise. "Um, no," Amy says. "Oh. Does that mean you're single?" "Did you not hear the question about me and Jodene?" Amy asks him in response.

"Who?" Stormy asks. "Jodene. You know... Sparks?" "Oh! I thought his first name was Overlord," Stormy replies. "O-Overlord?" DeMartino asks. "Yeah! He has this island fortress that he contacts every week or so, with henchmen, and a volcano!"

Amy looks over at Sparks, who simply whistles in a clearly guilty fashion. "I demand to be called 'Empress' by your henchmen, or no fun time for a month," Amy says. "Sure, as soon as this episode is over," Sparks says to her with a nervous laugh. Daria and Jane both stare at her in shock.

"What?" Amy asks them. "Um... is-is it okay if I read a letter?" Stacey asks timidly as she raises her hand. "Of course, Stacey," Amy says warmly. "Thank you!" Stacey exclaims happily before she picks up one. She reads it to herself before saying anything, and her face blushes red, almost making her look like a tomato.

"Stacey?" Quinn asks her before she takes the letter and reads it out loud.

"Dear Sealab,

Are Quinn and Stacey lesbian lovers?"

"What!?" Quinn shouts indignantly. "We most certainly are not lesbian lovers! We are bisexual lovers! Just ask Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie!" Quinn proclaims haughtily with her eyes closed an a smug smile on her face. At this, Stacey faints and falls headfirst into Quinn's lap. "Not in public, Stacey! Oh, you just fainted. Never mind," Quinn says.

Quinn looks up and sees everyone staring at her, wide-eyed. "Um... I really do not need to know about the sex lives of my students," DeMartino says in an uncomfortable tone. "Would you like to hear about Debbie's sex life instead?" Stormy asks him. DeMartino stares at him.

"Son, meet me later tonight, and I'll introduce you to an old friend of mine. His name begins with the letter 'P' and ends with the letter 'N'. You got that?" "Sure!" Stormy replies cheerfully. DeMartino smirks evilly.

"I'll read the next one," Quentin offers as he picks up a letter from the table.

"Dear Sealab,

Will we ever see Mystic Spiral perform in a future episode?"

"Um, I don't know. Jane, does your brother's band still exist?" Quentin asks her. "Sure, they often play at the Grizzlebee's over in Pod Twenty-Five. You know, the really big one with a stage and amplifier system that was stole-I mean, borrowed from... uh, that abandoned floating stadium. You know, the one that belongs to that Death Metal band... whatever their name is," Jane says.

"So, the answer is... probably," Quentin says as he looks at the camera. "My turn," Debbie says as she picks up a letter.

"Dear Sealab,

Whatever happened to that pack of dogs from episode twelve?"

"Um... who cares!? They aren't in Sealab anymore, that's for damn sure!" Debbie says as she looks into the camera. "Oh, those poor dogs. They choked on Stormy's bones and the cyanide pills that Angela Li always carried with her," Murphy laments. "Man, my death was really painful," Stormy says.

"Wait, if you died, how are you still here now?" Daria asks. "Oh, this Stormy is just a clone. I have a whole bunch of them in cryonic storage in Pod Four," Quentin says to her with a smile. "Are there clones of other people too?" Daria asks him. "Um... yeah, but I only grow those for organ transplants."

"Hey! That was one of those illegal ideas that I was arrested for!" Sparks says as he points a finger at Quentin. "How the hell do you get away with it!?" "Hey, Yeah!" Amy chimes in. "Um... look, a sybian!" Quentin says. "Where!?" Jane, Daria, Amy, Stacey, Quinn, and Debbie all shout eagerly as they turn their heads. Quentin quickly slips away undetected.

In actuality, Quentin has a medical license and was discreetly given explicit permission from the United Nations and the World Health Organization to carry out his cloning project. Sparks was arrested because he didn't have any kind of license. He merely had a piece of scrap paper with the word "doctor" scribbled on it, and his assistant was an often-drunk midget who called him "Master" and sold experimental hallucinogenic drugs to kindergartners on the street for him.

"Okay, I'll go next," DeMartino says as he picks up a paper.

"Dear Sealab crew members,

Why do we see so little of Mack and Jodie?"

DeMartino looks into the camera with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Well, considering that both of those people are rather well-adjusted and sane, I would say that they're both smart enough to avoid getting involved with the mayhem and chaos that usually engulfs most of our main cast," DeMartino explains. "Except for that one time that Dr. Quinn dragged Mr. McKenzie away from a light homework session to work on Tommy Sherman's operation," he adds as an afterthought.

"I'll go next," Shanks says as he picks up a letter.

"Dear Sealab,

After the events of Re-Shermanator, is Tommy Sherman still a cyborg?"

Shanks scratches his chin thoughtfully as he considers the question. "You know, I'm not entirely sure of that myself," he says as he looks into the camera. "He might be, but I guess it would depend on-" "No. No he is not," Quentin says as he pops back into the room. "Well, there ya go!" Shanks says.

"I'll go next," Murphy says. He picks up a paper and frowns. "I can't understand this," he says. "You're holding it upside-down," DeMartino tells him flatly. "Oh, oops," Murphy says, embarrassed.

"Dear Sealab,

What's the deal with Elsie Sloane being a weak ripoff of the REE?"

"Well, first of all, I have no idea what this "REE" is, or even how it's pronounced. I'll just skip this letter and read another one," Murphy says, having never read Neon Genesis Evangelion fan fiction in his life, and thus has never read Nobody Dies or The Rebuild Of Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman. A sad little cupcake-obsessed man indeed.

"Dear Sealab,

Did you ever pay that fine to the FCC or get a license for that radio station?"

"What radio station?" Murphy asks, bewildered, as he looks at the camera. "Um, yes. We did, in fact, take care of that issue," Quentin says, shifting his eyes around in a suspicious manner. "Okay. Who wants to go next?" Murphy asks. "Stacey, why don't you go? You didn't actually read the last one you picked," Murphy says to her.

Stacey gingerly picks up a letter and looks at it.

"Dear Sealab,

Why is Captain Shanks the only person who is aware that he's a fictional character?"

"Well, um, Captain Shanks, do you want to answer that?" Stacey asks as she looks at him questioningly. "Sure! See, that's the way I was written in Sealab 2021, so that's also the way I was written here! Let's face it, the author is too damn lazy to change my personality. That's why I was only mentioned in that story with the shrimp monster. Otherwise, that whole story would have fallen apart from the fourth wall being broken by me," Shanks explains.

"I'll read the next letter," Marco says.

"Dear Sealab,

My name is Charles Foster Offdensen. It has come to my attention recently that you have stolen a set of expensive amp-whoa, we're going to ignore that one!" Marco says as he puts down the letter and picks up another one.

"Dear Sealab,

My name is Phil Ken Sebben. My law firm is ready to reach out to people all over the world! In fact, one of our most recent additions claims to be related to one of your newest crew members. We would like to inform-yadda, yadda, yadda!" Marco says as he tosses the letter to the floor. Daria reaches down and picks it up before hiding it in her green vest.

"Aha!" Marco says as he finds a new letter.

"Dear Sealab,

What is a bio-dome? This thing was mentioned in a few episodes. What is it?"

Marco turns to look at the camera. "You see, the bio-domes are special locations found within the newer pods that contain resources allowing for plants and animals to live in an artificial environment that bears some resemblance to their natural habitat. We have certain types of trees, grasses, berries, flowers, bushes, birds, lizards, snakes, chipmunks, squirrels, ants, bees, mantids, and even pigs, chickens, ducks, and turkeys living in these domes."

"But no cows or deer, or bison," Quentin adds. "Right. The largest bio-dome only has a radius of four kilometers," Marco says in agreement. "Um, isn't that still a pretty good distance," Daria asks them. "Well, it is, but that dome is used for farming wheat and corn and other vegetables and fruits," Quentin says to her. "What about the frozen stuff we get for the cafeterias and the restaurants?""

"Well, that would be the frozen meats, cheeses, and other dairy products," Quentin replies. "Don't forget about the canned foods we get from up top. That stuff takes up most of the room in our storage coolers and freezers," Sparks adds.

"Well, I guess I'll go next," Amy says before she picks up a letter.

"Dear Sealab,

I am a Nigerian prince. If you would send me-fuck that!" Amy says as she tears the letter in half. She picks up another one.

"Dear Sealab,

If Captain Murphy were given the opportunity to put his brain in the body of an Adrienne Barbeau-bot, would he do it?"

"You bet your nipples I would!" Murphy declares proudly. "What if you had to choose between your Happy-Bake oven and having the body of an Adrienne Barbeau-bot?" Daria asks him with a raised eyebrow. Murphy's eyes begin to twitch, before he starts foaming at the mouth and shaking his head while speaking in tongues. At this point, he falls onto the floor and starts writhing around in a manic form, before he gets up and runs out of the room, producing the Disney Goofy yell as the door slides shut behind him.

"Um... I guess I'll read the next one," Daria says as she picks up another letter.

"Dear Sealab,

Is the writer of this fan fiction a beautiful woman? I would like her address so that I may ask her out."

"Um, no. The writer of this series, Anguirus1955, is a man. We do not know where he lives or what he does for a living, as that is not the concern of fictional characters such as ourselves. And no, Anguirus1955 is not his real name," Daria explains as she looks at the camera.

"Ooh! Me next!" Jane exclaims as she picks up a letter.

"Dear Sealab,

Will there ever be a crossover with the characters of Aqua Teen Hunger Force?"

"Aqua what?" DeMartino asks her. "I have no idea," Jane says. "Are they, like, some kind of detective agency or mercenary group or something?" Amy asks out loud.

"I guess we'll just have to ignore that one and move on to another," Quentin says as he picks up a letter.

"Dear Sealab,

How often to Dr. Quinn and Quinn Morgendorffer get confused when they're in the same location and people say 'Quinn' while trying to get the attention of one of them?"

"Um, I guess that used to happen a lot, but after we started making sure that people call me Dr. Quinn, it lessened. Then we started having people call Quinn Morgendorffer Female Quinn, or even White Quinn," Quentin says as he looks at the camera. "There's a lot less confusion now," he says with a smile.

"I'll go next," DeMartino says before picking up a letter.

"Dear Sealab Crew,

I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my pants. They are still missing. Will you help me find them?"

DeMartino looks at the camera with a frown. "No. Never send mail to us again."

Stormy picks up a letter. "My turn," he says.

"Dear Sealab,

The Ultra Cola company would like to ask you to participate with us in a special funding program for schools and other endeavors. We-hey... is this spam mail?"

"I believe it is," Daria says in a disappointed tone. She and the others begin looking that the content of their fan mail and read them silently. They begin forming two piles of mail: one for spam, and one for non-spam. The spam pile is five times the size of the non-spam pile.

"You know, this is really disappointing," Jane says in a melancholy tone. "Yeah. I guess we could just stop now," Amy says as she picks up a letter from the non-spam pile. "Hey, this one is addressed to you, Daria," Amy says in surprise.

Daria looks at the letter and reads it to herself. She smiles. "Hey, Daria, what's up?" Jane asks her. "It's a letter from my parents. They want to tell me that they've gotten permission to use the communications system for a special conference call with me on my next birthday," Daria says with a hint of happiness in her voice. "Quinn, they're hoping to get permission for your birthday as well, but if they can't, the letter says that they'll wish you a happy birthday when they call me on mine," Daria says to her sister.

Shanks sighs before looking at the camera. "You know, this is really sweet. It's a shame that this letter from Daria's parents is the only thing that anyone is going to remember from this episode, aside from me, of course. Till next time," Shanks says. The screen then fades to black.

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 016 [2-02]: Murder, They Sang Part One

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Metalocalypse is property of Brendon Small and Williams Street Productions, LLC.

In the darkened halls of a secure facility, several figures, all high-ranking men of various nations and governments, sat around in a large room. These men were collectively known as The Tribunal. In the center, near one row of seats, was an ancient and powerful-looking man with white or silver hair, named Mr. Salacia. He was the head of The Tribunal.

Standing near the front of the room, near a large screen, was Senator Stampingston, who was currently speaking about the latest activities of the death metal band known as Dethklok. "As we can see, Dethklok has arranged to perform a concert under the ocean. They will be transported to the stadium located inside of one of the pods of Sealab," Stampingston said.

"This event is not foretold in the Sumerian prophecy," General Grozer said. "No, neither is it found within the Dead Sea Scrolls either," said another man, wearing a grey outfit with a visor over his eyes. "Be quiet, Keel," Grozer said. "You had your chance and you blew it with that stupid program in Japan. Your sea scrolls didn't mention Mt. Mihara erupting either, and that set us back by ten years worth of research and production costs on those machines you tried to build," Grozer said.

Keel stayed quiet with a frown. "What of our informant in Sealab?" Grozer asked Stampingston. "She has been unable to establish the policies we wish for in Sealab, thanks to the efforts of Commander Anthony DeMartino and Doctor Quentin Q. Quinn, along with the less direct efforts of a Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer and Commander Jodene Sparks, a convict serving his sentence by working for Sealab," Stampingston said.

"Because Agent Viper has been so far unsuccessful in her duties, she is attempting to negotiate having Dethklok perform in Sealab in order to help us send more agents into the facility, and just as well, it will provide us with an excellent opportunity to eliminate Dethklok. After all, accidents do happen, and when they happen underwater, they can be catastrophic," Stampingston said.

Cardinal Ravenwood spoke up. "I concur. This is an excellent opportunity, and it also gives us a chance to infiltrate Sealab, which until now has been unaffected by us due to its location. Sealab poses a threat to our new world order, as it is untouched by us," he said.

"Yes, but perhaps we ourselves do not need to take action. Remember, Toki Wartooth is an angel of death, albeit not by intention. His kindheartedness will bring the people of Sealab close to him, and they will perish as all who have gotten close to him have done before," Keel Lorenz said. "And when he kills Sealab, Sealab will bring upon Dethklok's own destruction," he finished.

"We will not kill Dethklok at Sealab," Salacia said, his voice deep yet raspy. "We waaait..."

Opening Theme [Heavy Metal Variation]:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct!

If you're gonna' stand!

On my neck!

[Chant of neck]

Then you'd better check!

[Chant of check]

Under the sea!

[Chant of sea]

Cause that is where you'll find me!

[Bitchin' guitar solo begins]

[Bitchin' guitar solo plays]

[Bitchin' guitar solo ends]

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water!

Sealab, Sealab!

Sealab, Sealab!

Sealab, Sealab!

Sealaaab!

At the bottom of the Seeeaaa!

Date: Wednesday, November 18th, 2021

Daria Morgendorffer yawned as she woke up and stretched. After using the bathroom, she walked over into the kitchen. "Morning, Amy," Daria said as she saw her aunt sitting at the table, reading the news on her data tablet. "Morning, Daria. Can you check to see if Quinn's awake yet?" Amy asked her in response. They heard the bathroom door slide shut and ding as it locked.

"Never mind," Amy said. "So... what's on the agenda for today?" Amy asked her niece as she looked up from her data tablet. "School, followed by a shift on the bridge until twenty-hundred. Jane and Tom might show up for group homework," Daria replied as she grabbed some cereal before getting some milk out of the fridge. She went to pour the milk, but remembered that she hadn't retrieved a bowl yet.

"That might help," Amy commented with a smirk as she watched her niece retrieve a bowl from the cabinet. "Do you want something to scoop it with as well?" Amy asked her. "Huh?" Daria replied. "You know, in some places, people use these tools called spoons to consume liquids. I was thinking we should try them out sometime," Amy said.

Daria smiled at Amy's humor before she retrieved a spoon from the silverware drawer. "A spoon, you say?" Daria asked her, playing along. "Yes. Fascinating, isn't it?" Amy replied. "Indeed. It's as though a whole new world has been opened up to me," Daria replied as she sat down and poured her milk into the bowl before adding the cereal.

Amy went back to reading her tablet, before she raised an eyebrow. "Here, of all places?" Amy asked out loud. "Mmm?" Daria asked her. "There's been an announcement that famous death metal band Dethklok will be making a trip to Sealab for a special performance this Saturday," Amy said. "Who?" Daria asked. "Dethklok. A famous death metal band," Amy replied.

She looked up a website on the band. "Hmm, until a year ago, they were mostly popular in Europe, despite being an American Band, although two of their members are from Sweden and Norway. According to the website, after they performed a special concert in Atlanta last year, their popularity in the states skyrocketed and they've since become... obscenely rich and they are each worth millions of dollars," Amy said.

"Their current members are Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth, William Murderface, Pickles the drummer, and Nathan Explosion. Past members include Magnus Hammersmith," Amy said. "They are currently hiring for the positions of security dog feeder, backup-backup chef, fan-mail screener, and janitor at their residence," Amy said.

"Morning Aunt Amy, morning Daria," Quinn said as she entered the kitchen. "Hey, Quinn, have you ever heard of Dethklok?" Daria asked her. Quinn froze. I promised Stacey that I would never tell anyone! How did they find out? "Um, who?" Quinn asked her. "Some metal band that's coming to visit Sealab this weekend," Daria replied.

"Hmm, I'd better warn the fashion club," Quinn said. "Death metal is so gaudy and ugly looking. Our eyes will burn from just seeing them," Quinn said. Or, at least Sandi's eyes will burn, Quinn thought. "Fashion Club?" Amy asked her. "Yeah, Stacey and I are both members. I thought you knew about me being in the club, though. Anyway, we just recently reformed the club last month, as the whole moving to Sealab thing during the summer made it very difficult to coordinate things after we arrived, so we had to disband for a short period when it got too chaotic. It was shortly after Debbie Dupree went baby crazy, but now we're back in action!" Quinn proclaimed.

"Yay," Daria said flatly. "Oh come on, Daria! With the uniforms everyone is forced to wear, we don't have as much importance as we used to have, so we don't have as great a presence anymore," Quinn said. "Well, that's one way of looking at it," Amy said as she sipped her coffee. "I guess," Daria replied.

"Daria, despite my own reservations about society and fashion, I do think that you should at least take into consideration the fact that your sister values the club's existence. She did meet and make friends, and I'm sure that she has some fond memories of it," Amy said to her other niece. "It was a part of her life that underwent a dramatic change, just as everyone living in Sealab has experienced. So at least show some respect in that regard," Amy added.

Daria gave her a pointed look. "What? I'm not going to play favorites here. Your grandmother did that with Rita and you know how it affected your mother and me," Amy said. Daria sighed as she conceded defeat. "Fine. Quinn... um, I think that it's good for-" "Daria, you don't have to do that. Just acknowledge that your sister has the right to be happy about regaining something that's important to her," Amy said.

"I'm gonna go over and make sure that Stacey's awake. I don't want to be late again, even if Mr. Van Driessen is pretty lax," Quinn said as she left the kitchen. "So... you didn't want me to lie about being happy for her, but you don't want me to disparage her insipid little club either," Daria said.

"Daria, listen, I think that the fashion club, from what I know about it, is rather shallow and conceited, and I do wish that your sister would find something with more meaning and substance. But," Amy stressed, "I also think you should realize that, while you and I both share the same opinion on something, I'm not going to let you use that as a means to win an argument with your sister."

"If you want to convince Quinn that the fashion club is pointless, then do so with a reasonable and logical argument. If that fails, then don't worry so much. It's not like she's pushing you to join them, right?" Amy said. "And in any case, Quinn did have a point; with Sealab's uniform policy, the fashion club has very little, if any, power over your peers. Really, they're just a bunch of girls who like to talk about fashion now, so they can't do much harm to anyone's sense of self-worth anymore," she finished.

"Morning, Sparks," Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn said as he entered the bridge. "Morning, Dr. Quinn," Sparks said as he looked away from his game of Solitaire on his console. "So, did you hear about this week's special event?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. "You mean that metal band who's coming here Saturday?" Quentin replied.

"Um, no. They're performing Saturday. They're actually coming here today," Sparks said. "Today?" Quentin asked him. "Yep. And you can thank Commander Angela Li for inviting them. They should be here in about two or three hours," Sparks said as he returned his attention to his game of Solitaire.

"Wait, where will they be staying?" Quentin asked. "Oh, somewhere, I guess. Commander Li is in charge of the accommodations, since she's the one organizing the event," Sparks said. Just then, Amy Barksdale entered the bridge. "Jodene, Dr. Quinn," she said in acknowledgement. "Amy, what are you doing here so early?" Sparks asked her. "I was called here by Commander DeMartino," she replied.

"DeMartino? I haven't seen him in he-" Just then, the other door opened and Captain Murphy walked onto the bridge, followed by Commander Anthony DeMartino. "Which is why you should relax," DeMartino said. "Uh-huh. Well, as long as they aren't actually carrying the Great Pestilence, then I won't kill them in the airlock," Murphy said.

"Commander, you wanted to see me?" Amy asked DeMartino. "Ah, yes. Lieutenant Barksdale. I wanted you to take a maintenance team and inspect the stadium in Pod Thirty. The stage, the seats, the floors, the stairs; everything. With Miss Li's special band coming this week, I have no desire to hear her harping at me if something goes wrong. My sanity just cannot afford it at this time," he said. "I see. What about Lieutenant Commander Marquez?" Amy asked him.

"He's taking several maintenance groups to inspect the smaller stages in the schools and eating establishments, in case the band decides to have warm up sessions somewhere small. I know that it's unlikely, but with Ensign Lane and his band playing at Grizzlebee's every Thursday, the chances of someone mentioning Mythic Spiral to a member of Dethklok and piquing their interest are too great," he explained.

"I'd rather be safe than sorry," he added. "Lane... he's in maintenance, isn't he?" Amy asked him. "I believe so. He usually works with Marco, and since you are usually assigned smaller tasks to handle on your own, it's only logical that you wouldn't encounter him that often," DeMartino said. "His sister is my eldest niece's best friend," Amy said. "And the band's name is Mystic Spiral," Amy corrected him.

"So," Charles Foster Offdensen began "I take it that everyone here is ready?" "Yeah, sure. No problem!" Pickles said as he reclined against his seat in the Death-X. It was a large multi-atmospheric vessel constructed from the remains of the Super-X II. Dethklok had purchased the remains from the Japanese government after the machine's near-total destruction earlier in the year at the hands of Godzilla*.

"Wowee! We gets to be underwater again!" Toki exclaimed joyously. "I cants waits to plays in fronts of all those people!" "Uh, they do have sturdy glass and metal in this Sealab place, right?" Nathan Explosion asked Offdensen. "Yes. The newest Pods were constructed with the most damage-resistant materials available," Offdensen replied.

"So, it'll withstand the octaves and decibels of our music? We won't break anything and drown to death?" Nathan asked for confirmation. "I assure you, they are well aware of what your music can do. I would never have accepted the invitation without proof that Sealab' structural integrity could survive a tour from us," Offdensen said reassuringly.

"So, will this place have lots of hot womens? If it doesn't, that will be totally dildos," Skwisgaar said. Offdensen sighed. "Just as long you all remember to behave yourselves," he said. "Cool," Murderface said with his arms crossed.

"Hey, do you thinks they only eats fish down there, or do they haves lots of other foods?" Toki asked. "You'll have to wait and find out," Offdensen said. "Aww, mans. I hates waiting!" Toki whined. "Deal with it," Nathan said. He looked over at Pickles, who had already fallen asleep. Nathan smirked.

"Hey, do you have a marker?" Nathan asked. Offdensen looked at the sleeping Pickles and then back over at Nathan. "No. And I would appreciate it if you would save your shenanigans for after we've arrived," he said. "Fine," Nathan said reluctantly. The rest of the ride was silent.

"I understand," Angela Li said. "No, of course not. Yes, everything will go according to plan. Well of course the money will go to the school and Sealab's maintenance. I mean, what else would it go to?" Li asked nervously. "Your security systems?" asked the voice on the other line in an accusing tone. "W-What are you talking about. This whole thing is strictly for the benefit of Sealab and the glory of Neeewww Llaaawwndale Hiiiiiigh," Li said into the phone.

"If you say so, but I'll be watching you," the voice said before hanging up. Li placed the phone back on the receiver of the console. "Commander Li," came the voice of Diane Bennett from the door as it slid open, "They're here."

"They?" Li asked. "Dethklok," Bennett said. "Already? Are they still decompressing?" Li asked Bennett. "I think so. They won't be exiting the Death-X for at least another hour or so," Bennett replied. "Although, I've been thinking... about the money Sealab would gain from this," Bennett said.

"Yes?" Li asked her. "Well, I've done the math and... I don't think we would actually receive anything extra to benefit us. We'd be paying them for the tours, and they'd be paying us for using our stadium and other resources but in the end, it all ends with us making very little as what we receive will only serve to offset what we pay them, and we'll have only a few hundred dollars left over," Bennett explained.

"It's still a profit," Li said. "Yes, but-" "No buts," Li interrupted her. "Now, I have to get ready to meet our guests," Li said as she stood up and left the room. Diane Bennett simply sighed.

As the airlock doors opened, Charles Foster Offdensen stepped into Sealab, followed by the band and a handful of Klokateers, along with Dick Knubbler, the band's producer. The welcome party for the band consisted of Commander Angela Li, Captain Murphy, Commander DeMartino, and a reluctant Daria Morgendorffer. Daria looked at Knubbler's face, blinking in confusion as she saw the metal orbs in the sockets of his eyes.

"Wow, what a cramped dump!" Murderface exclaimed as he looked around. "So, where's the babes and the fans?" he asked. "They don't know that you're here yet," Li said. "Why not?" Murderface asked. "Actually, it was agreed upon that while your performance would take place on Saturday, we would all be arriving early so that you could become acclimated to Sealab's environment properly," Offdensen said.

"Soo... we get to explore this place and stuff?" Pickles asked as he looked around. "Wowee! This place... looks kind of boring," Toki said as he looked around. "It's where people live. It would be clean and magical otherwise," Daria snarked. "Really?" Toki asked her thoughtfully. Daria rolled her eyes.

"So, who is the four-eyes?" Skwisgaar asked. "I'm Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer," Daria said firmly. "That's a really long name," Toki said. "Um, dude, I don't think that whole thing was her name. Just the last two parts," Pickles said. "Hows do you know?" Toki asked him.

"Because, Lieutenant Junior Grade is, like, a military rank," Pickles replied. "Really? I thoughts theys was only Private, Corporal, Sergeant, Lieutenant, and General," Toki said in confusion. "What? No," Pickles replied. Well, at least one of them seems to have a brain, Daria thought to herself. She looked over at DeMartino and whisered, "Remind me why I was pulled out of my last class for this."

"Your last class of the day was a study hall," DeMartino said. "And since everyone else is busy, I refuse to be the only sane person dealing with this group," DeMartino answered in a whisper. "Ahem, which one of you is in charge of Sealab?" Offdensen asked after clearing his throat.

"That would be Captain Murphy," Commander DeMartino said as he gestured to the white-haired man standing next to him. "So... no one here carries the Black Death?" Murphy asked. "What?" Offdensen asked him. "You're called Death Clock, right? You bring about the countdown until death?" Murphy asked.

Offdensen raised an eyebrow. "Um, no. We're just a... highly successful metal band that specializes in the sub-genre of death metal," Offdensen said in a professional manner. He straightened out his tie. "So, are the accommodations for the band ready? We do have rooms in the Death-X if they aren't, but helping the band accommodate themselves to the environment of Sealab may prove beneficial to their songwriting and performance on Saturday," Offdensen said.

"Of course the rooms are ready. We have a special guest suite prepared for Dethklok and the rest of your party," Commander Li said. "Party?" Pickles asked. "I meant group," she said. "Oh. Yeah, maybe staying quiet will give us a chance to look around without being assaulted by fans," Pickles said.

"Yeah," Nathan said. "Do you have some, like, spare uniforms so that we won't be recognized right away?" he asked Commander Li. "Um... what size do you wear?" she asked. "Finally, a woman who doesn't have my clothing size on hand. This means that you, like, aren't going to sneak into my room and try to molest me in my sleep, right?" Nathan responded.

"Cause that totally happened in Sweden once, during this tour, and we had to fire half of our security team because they didn't do their job. We fed them to wild wolves as part of the ceremony for firing them," Nathan explained. Li's eyes widened, as did everyone else's. "Hmm, I like his sense of humor," Daria said.

"Actually, he's being serious," Offdensen said. Daria looked at the man questioningly. "What?" she asked him. "That was the punishment they received. A handful of them survived and were able to re-apply for employment, but the others died," Offdensen explained. "Is that even legal?" Daria asked.

"According to the contract that they signed when they applied for employment, yes," Offdensen replied. "Trust me, kid, I'm a lawyer. I wrote half of the contracts myself," Offdensen said. "I see. And the Geneova Convention doesn't apply to the band's policies?" Daria asked him.

"Everyone who works for us signs a waver relieving the band from all responsibility for injuries or death sustained by the employee. We also have fans sign this waver at concerts," Offdensen replied. "Hn," Daria replied.

"Mr. Offdensen, if I may," DeMartino began, "I would like you to know, right now, that I am the third in command of Sealab. I will tell you right now, that the lives of the people under my command, including our civilian population, matter to me. I will have you know that any injuries or deaths caused by your band will not be waved away by legal papers or contracts."

"Is that so?" Offdensen asked in response. "Yes. In fact, if you would like to speak with Dr. Quinn later, he would be more than willing to explain just how this will work. In simple terms, however, if your people hurt my people, then you will compensate them," DeMartino said.

"What if they release the plague?" Murphy asked. "Captain, there is no plague," Daria said to him. "Okay, but I'm going to wear my hazmat suit anyway. Oh, one more thing! If anyone touches my Happy Bake oven, I will shoot them out of an airlock," Murphy said before he got inside of the transport cart and took off.

"Did he says Happy Bake ovens?" Toki asked. "Yes. You do have your insulin with you, right?" Offdensen asked Toki. "Of course! I brought an extra pack just to be safe," Toki replied cheerfully. "Good. Glad to hear it," Offdensen said. "Well then, Mister Offdensen, while Miss Morgendorffer shows the band to their suite, Commander DeMartino and I will assist you in your other endevors while we search for Doctor Quinn," Commander Li said.

"Wow, nice looking place," Pickles commented as he looked around the extravagent suite. "It um... does really have that dark and brooding feel that we need for our music, though," Nathan said. "Really?" Daria asked in a flat tone. "Yeah, we, likes, needs to have atmospheres for our musics," Toki explained. "Do you always add an 's' to every other word?" Daria asked him curiously. "English is nots my native tongue," Toki explained. "Oh," Daria replied. She'd assumed that his accent was simply part of his demeanor. She now felt rather... well, slightly ashamed of herself.

"So... Daria, right?" Nathan asked her. "Yes," Daria replied. "Cool name," Nathan commented. "Um... thanks," Daria said with uncertainty. "So, Daria," Pickles said, "What's up with that Li chick? She, like, leaves five grown-(he paused and glanced at Toki)-well, five men alone with a teenage girl?"

"You said your rank was, like, Lieutenant Junior Grade. How old are you?" Pickles asked as he looked at a communication console on a wall. "I'm sixteen years old. I'll be seventeen next year. So, I'm still a minor," Daria responded flatly with a hint of warning in her tone. "Whoa, relax," Pickles said. "I know better than to go after jail-bait. Being famous don't help those kinds of problems."

"And you don'ts haves to worries about me, Daria," Skwisgaar said with a smile. "I prefers... older women." "Um... okay," Daria said. "Yeah, he, like, has a thing for women with wrinkles," Nathan said. "They don't haves to have wrinkles. I just likes women who know what they are doings. Older women are more skilled than younger womens," Skwisgaar explained.

"Um, hey, Daria," Toki began, "Do you know if theres a place where I can stores my insulins around heres?" "Insulin?" Daria asked him. "Ja! I haves the diabetes, so I needs to take insulin shots," Toki explained. "Oh," Daria said. "Yeah, it really sucks. And I can't eats really sweet snacks as much as I'd likes anymore. So I haves to saves them for specials occasions," he added.

"Well, there is a small fridge right over there," Daria said as she looked at and pointed to the small bar in the corner of the room. "Does it haves adjustable temperature controls?" Toki asked her. "I don't know. I've never been in here before today," Daria replied.

"Wait! Where do we put our beer?" Murderface asked. "Um... I don't know," Daria said dismissively. "How can we possibly play without a drink beforehand!?" Murderface asked her. "Figure that out yourself," Daria replied. Pickles snickered.

"Say, do you haves, likes, food libraries around here?" Skwisgaar asked her. "A what?" Daria asked in reply. "He means a grocery store. Or someplace to buy food and stuff," Pickles explained. "Well, there are a handful of commissaries. One in Pod Six, one in Pod Nineteen, one in Pod Twenty-three, and one in Pod Thirty-one," Daria said.

"Are there any hookers?" Murderface asked. "None that I'm aware of," Daria replied flatly. "Figures. Shit-hole under the ocean," Murderface muttered. "Hey, man, it's still better than that shithole we visited in Texas," Pickles said. "Please, Pickles, don't bring that up," Nathan said.

"Why not? It's a fun little roadie story," Pickles said. "Um, you're talking about a bar or stadium somewhere, right?" Daria asked. "Well, not exactly. See, I was talking about this whole town that was a complete hell-hole," Pickles said. "I can still remember the name of the place, and Nathan here has nightmares about it sometimes."

"Dammit, Pickles!" Nathan exclaimed angrily. "What? You have every right to hate that place, just like we all do! Even Toki will admit that the place should be set on fire and burned to the ground," Pickles replied as he leaned against a wall with his arms crossed.

"Um, this town... you said that you remember its name, right?" Daria asked warily. "Sure," Pickles replied. "It wouldn't be... Highland, by any chance, would it?" Daria asked him. "How did you know?" Pickles asked her.

"I didn't," Daria said. "Wait... you've been to Highland, Texas?" Nathan asked her. "I lived there until for the first fourteen and a half years of my life," Daria explained. "Oh, wow. You, like, have our sympathies and stuff," Pickles said. "Yeah. That place sucked," Toki quipped.

"The only good thing about it was that it made me angry enough to write five songs for Planet Piss!" Murderface exclaimed. "And yets you still haven't released a single albums," Toki commented. "It isn't ready yet!" Murderface exclaimed. "Um, so, what exactly happened in Highland?" Daria asked them.

"You know, if this girl lived there for almost fifteen years and managed to walk away with her sanity intact... what does that say about five grown men such as ourselves who stayed for only a few days and still have nightmares about it?" Nathan asked rhetorically.

"Speak for yourself, Nathan. I don't got any nightmares about Highland. I just don't ever want to go back there," Pickles said. "Yeah! The people were fucking dipshits! Morons! Assholes! Dickwads!" Murderface ranted. "Oh yeah, remembers that one kid who pulled his shirt overs his head?" Toki asked.

"Oh yeah," Nathan said. "That was actually kind of funny." "Yeah, he called himself the Corn Man!" Toki said. "Um, I think it was Cornholio," Pickles said. "So... you met them," Daria said. "Them? Oh you mean Blondie and Brownie?" Pickles asked her.

"Beavis and Butthead," Daria replied. "You knew them?" Nathan asked her. "I went to school with them," Daria replied. "That means you know their real names, right?" Skwisgaar asked her. "Yeah, and I just told you their real names," Daria replied. "You only told us one of their names. You just repeated the label everyone gives to the other one," Pickles said. "Um... that is his name," Daria replied. "Whoa, seriously?" Pickles asked her.

"Yes. His mother was on a mescalin high or something when she named him," Daria replied. "Wow. You lived there and put up with those assholes for fourteen years?" Nathan asked her. "Yeah," Daria replied flatly. "You, Daria, have earned our respect," Nathan said to her. "Um... thank you." "You know, we actually had our Klokateers beat the shit out of those two when they wouldn't stoop bothering us," Murderface said.

"Yeah, but it didn't really do anything. They actually thought it was cool," Pickles said, remembering the words of the two morons. "Well, they are complete idiots," Daria commented. "I don't know... idiot might be too kind a word for them," Pickles said.

"Yeah... hey, are there any places to eat around here? Like, bars and stuff?" Nathan asked Daria.

"This is Grizzlebee's," Daria said as she led Dethklok through the doors of the restaurant and bar. She had chosen to show them the Grizzlebee's located in Pod 25, which had a stage that small bands often performed on. "Hey, a stage," Pickles said as he looked around the restaurant/bar. "So, there must be, like, other bands that play around here, right?" Pickles asked Daria.

"Well, only about three. The Harpies, Nuclear Mustache, and Mystic Spiral," Daria responded. "Hmm, are they any good?" Nathan asked. "Depends. Mystic Spiral is kind an alternative-rock grunge type band. Their lead singer is my best friend's brother," Daria replied. "Okay, what about the other two?" Pickles asked her.

"Nuclear Mustache is sort of a... Queen-type thing. They're a rock band, but they don't really fit into any one particular style or sub-genre of rock," Daria replied. "What about the Harpies?" Pickles asked her. "They're... similar to Mystic Spiral, but mostly women," Daria said.

"Mostly?" Skwisgaar asked her. "They have one guy. He plays the drums. The rest are all women," Daria replied. "How olds are they?" Skwisgaar asked. "Probably around twenty-five or less," Daria replied. Skwisgaar's face fell. "Oh."

"So... these bands... are they any good?" Toki asked her while Pickles and Nathan went over to a small stand where a waitress was waiting. "Well, good is really a subjective term. What I think is good may not be what another person thinks is good, and vice versa," Daria replied.

"Okays, whats do you thinks of thems then?" Skwisgaar asked her. "I think Nuclear Mustache is decent. Mystic Spiral... well, despite being the best friend of the lead singer's sister, I have to admit that they are... really awful," Daria admitted. "Wow. That... that took courage," Skwisgaar said as he held a fist over his heart. "Yeah," Toki said with genuine agreement. "Real courage," he said with a smile.

"No. If you ever hear them play, you'll find yourself agreeing. Even Jane thinks they're awful," Darai replied. "Who is Jane?" Toki asked. "The lead singer's sister," Daria replied as she looked over to see Nathan and Pickles talking to a waitress. "Ah, maybe we gets to meet Jane somestime?" Toki asked her.

"Maybe. School's been over for at least twenty minutes now, so we might meet them if we head to the bridge in Pod One," Daria said. "Um, hey, is it okay if we stay here and get some food first? I mean, we haven't really had anything to eat since we got into the Death-X this morning, aside from that candy bar I found," Pickles asked as he walked back over to the group. "Well, I guess we could. Um... is it okay if I call Jane and ask her and Tom to Join us?" Daria asked them. "Sures!" Toki said.

"By the way, who is Tom?" Toki asked. "Jane's boyfriend," Daria replied as she took out her cell phone. "How old is Jane?" Skwisgaar asked. Daria sent him a glare that could have split the Earth in half as she replied. "She is my age. Do not touch her," Daria said with restrained aggressiveness.

"Um, do we have to bring up the whole older women thing again?" Pickles asked her with a raised eyebrow. "Oh," Daria said, embarrassed. "Ja, I likes the cougars," Skwisgaar said with a smile. "Good muscle control," he added with a grin.

Several Hours Later...

Angela Li walked into her quarters and sat down on her chair. Today had been quite eventful, and so she had left Sergeants Sorola and Ramsey in charge while she had retired for the night. Her discussions with Charles Foster Offdensen were not what she had wanted or expected. Even though he didn't agree with DeMartino on much either, the fact remained that he was an obstacle in her way.

When she heard the door to her bedroom open, she prepared to berate Miss Morris, with whom she'd been having a relationship for several years, for her usual surprises, but instead found herself looking at the laser dot of a gun with a suppressor attached to the barrel. "General Grozer wants you alive for a while longer, but I don't believe that this is wise."

"W-Where's Samantha?" Angela asked the masked figure. "She's fine... for now," the masked figure replied. "You, on the other hand, have some questions to answer."

Thursday, November 19th, 2021

Captain Murphy stood on the bridge and looked out the windows of Sealab. "Damn hazmat suit. Reflects the windows too much!" he complained. "You're the one who chose to wear it," Sparks said as he played a game of Free Cell on his console.

"I know, but it's almost impossible to eat my cupcakes through this damn thing, and I refuse to have them given to me through a tube!" Murphy lamented. "Well, you could always take the suit off," Sparks suggested. "But then I'd be exposed to the clock of death!" Murphy exclaimed.

Sparks sighed. "Captain, the name is Dethklok. It is spelled D-E-T-H-K-L-O-K. Get that? It means that they don't actually bring about death... intentionally," he said. "I still don't know," Murphy said. "Okay. Be that way," Sparks said as he resumed his game.

"So, anyone up for a little practice somewhere small?" Pickles asked. "What?" Murderface replied. "You know. That Grizzlebee's place. I think we should go there and practice tonight, or at least belt out some tunes. We could even go without our stage makeup, you know, since we're not performing for a paying audience and stuff," Pickles said.

"Um... why would we perform somewhere if we're not going to get paid?" Murderface asked him incredulously. "For fun?" Pickles suggested. "Hmm, I sees," Toki said as he put a finger up to his chin in a thoughtful manner. "Waits, you means we shoulds plays withouts getting paids?" Skwisgaar asked him.

"You know... I understand that we should get out and do something, but... yeah, I'm not big on the idea of playing without getting paid," Nathan said contemplatively. "Oh come on, guys," Pickles said. "We can at least listen to those other bands and find out if they're any good. Besides, I think we've been getting a little stale and repetitive lately. Maybe some competition will drive us to be more creative or something," Pickles suggested.

"At the very least, we can prove that we're better than those other bands if we play alongside them or something," Pickles said. "Hmm... so, play without getting paid, but still show everyone that we're the best? I dunno..." Murderface said.

"Gentlemen," Offdensen said as he walked into the room, "I think that... you should practice somewhere and come up with lyrics for at least one new song." "Um... don't we make that decision?" Pickles asked him. "Yeah. You just handle the money, and legal stuff, and middle man stuff, and management stuff, and other things that only you know how to do," Nathan said.

"Yes, that's true. But... I don't want you all getting restless. So, go explore, but stay together, and then get some ideas and come back here to practice later," Offdensen said. "You know guys, I thinks he has a point," Toki said. "We may not gets the chance to come back heres for a long time. Let's go explore!" Toki exclaimed excitedly.

"Ugh, fine. We'll like, go look around and stuff," Nathan said. "I don't wanna!" Murderface said. "Hey, come on, Murderface. Maybe you'll get to punch someone," Pickles said. "Um, I would advise against doing that. The people in charge of Sealab are decidedly... stubborn and protective of the people who work and live here," Offdensen said.

"Wait... bosses who care about their workers?" Pickles asked. "Um... for the most part, yes," Offdensen replied. "Damn. This place is weird!" Pickles said as he got up. "Um... hey, guys? I just thoughts of something. Where exactly are we going while we explore?" Toki asked.

"She hasn't left her quarters yet. This isn't like her at all," Lieutenant Sasha Winters said as she led Lieutenant Sherman and Commander DeMartino to Commander Li's quarters. "The door is locked, so she must still be inside," Winters said. "Here, my access card should open it," DeMartino said as he swiped the door and entered a command-level access code into the keypad. The light above the door turned a bright green as the door dinged and slide open.

"Commander Li?" Winters asked as she walked into the spartan living quarters. The trio made their way over to Angela Li's bedroom, before they saw Samantha Morris, one of the gym teachers for New Lawndale High, sleeping in Li's bed. They then looked over to the floor and saw Angela Li. Walking over to her, DeMartino noticed something unusual. There was a red line around her throat, like an impression. He quickly checked her for a pulse.

"She's dead!" he announced. Everyone saw Morris begin to stir. When she opened her eyes, Morris looked at the three people in the room, and gulped. "Um... Angela-I mean, Commander Li, um, let me stay the night because I was locked out of my own room," she lied hastily.

"Oh, and where is Commander Li right now?" Winters asked. "She's probably at her station. You can call her and she'll corroborate my story," Morris said defensively. "Wrong. She won't say anything, because she's dead," DeMartino said.

"What!? How do you... A-Angela? Angie?" Morris said as she looked over at the body on the floor. "Angie!? Angie!" Morris began to cry. "Um... Tommy Sherman is confused right now," Tommy Sherman said. Commander DeMartino simply sighed.

"Hey, Daria?" Jane asked as they got ready for dodge ball. "Yeah?" "Where's Miss Morris? Why is Mr. Van Driessen teaching Phys-Ed?" "Morris must be sick or something. Besides, Mr. Van Driessen was a jack of all trades back in Highland. He taught about half the classes there, at least when I attended," Daria replied.

"All right. Now, is everyone ready?" Mr. Van Driessen called out. "Uh... where are we allowed to hit people at with the ball?" Kevin Thompson asked. "Anywhere but the face and crotch," Van Driessen replied. "Oh. Hey, he said crotch!" Kevin said before chuckling. "He-he-he," he went.

At hearing this, David Van Driessen's eyes widened and he stood stock still. The voices flashed through his mind and he began reliving some of his worst nightmares again. Hu-hu-hu! He-he-he! I am the Great Cornholio! Hu-hu-hu!

"Mr. Van Driessen? Are you all right?" Daria asked him. I need Tee-Pee for my bunghole! "Mr. Van Driessen?" Michael "Mack" McKenzie asked him. Eeeh... cave men were, like, stupid and stuff. "Mr. Van Driessen?" Brittany Thompson asked with concern. We're, like, eating in front of you. Yeah! It rocks! "No." Uh... does this mean we get to score?

"Mr. Van Driessen!" Daria called out as she slapped him. "Huh? What? What happened?" he asked as he looked around. "You were, like, spacing out, man!" Kevin said. "Oh. Um... I-I just... remembered something. Now, what were we doing again?" David Van Driessen asked.

"Okay, we keep this quiet until we know exactly what's going on," Commander DeMartino said firmly. He was on the bridge, along with Dr. Quinn, Captain Murphy (still in his hazmat suit), Lt. Commander Marquez, Commander Sparks, Lieutenant Barksdale, Lieutenant Sherman, and Lt. Commander Dupree. "Well, we do know that Commander Li was apparently murdered, and that Miss Samantha Morris is a suspect," Marco said.

"Yes, but it feels like a setup," DeMartino said. "What do you mean?" Debbie asked him. "Her there weren't any fingerprints on Commander Li, and Miss Morris, currently undergoing a drug test, may not have been awake at the time of Commander Li's death. Now, granted, I've never exactly been FOND of Commander Li, and I've occasionally hoped that shark would eat her, but I think that something very wrong is going on here, and that there's more to this than meets the eye."

"Um... where's Stormy?" Amy asked. "Huh? Oh, he's giving Dethklok a tour of the station. He and Hesh are the only people we've allowed to have names on liability wavers for the band," DeMartino said. "Wait, you didn't put Dolphin Boy's name on a waiver? Why not?" Debbie asked him. "Well, it didn't occur to me at the time. Besides, I don't know if that's even his real name anyway," DeMartino replied.

"Fair enough. We can trick the little freak into signing his name on a waver later," Amy said as she folded her arms across her chest. "Yeah," everyone else said in agreement. "Wait... did you say that you left Stormy alone with the band?" Amy asked. "Not me, but actually, Captain Murphy," DeMartino said.

"Well, I thought it was funny when they beat him up. And if they're carrying a disease, Stormy will die first, thus alerting us to the presence of the great plague brought about by the surface dwellers!" Murphy said. "Captain... have you ever thought about taking medication?" Amy asked him. "For what?" he asked her in response.

"And this is another hallway. People walk through it too," Stormy said as he led Dethklok through Pod 25. "Just take us to that restaurant we went to last nights," Skwisgaar said as he felt himself growing more annoyed at Stormy with each passing minute. "Which restaurant?" Stormy asked. "Right, you weren't with us. So, um, how about you just give us a map, and... we'll be on our way," Pickles suggested.

"Uh... I don't think I have a map. Well, I have that treasure map that Sparks gave me, but he said to never give it to anyone or else I would be eaten alive by various rodents," Stormy said thoughtfully. "Um, yeah... I wouldn't mind seeing that happen," Pickles said as they turned a corner. "Hey, it's Hesh! Hey, Hesh, what are you doing so far from the reactor room?" Stormy asked him.

"I'm running an errand," Hesh replied as he walked past the group. He suddenly halted and backpedaled. "Wait a minute! Hesh recognizes you guys! You're Dethklok!" Hesh shouted excitedly. "Can Hesh have an autograph? Hesh wants an autograph!" Hesh demanded.

"Leave us alone, and maybe we'll mail you a picture of our boots stepping on your face," Nathan said. "Brutal," Toki whispered. "Awesome! Can you step on my face now?" Hesh asked them. "Eh, we've had stranger requests from fans before. Why not?" Pickles said with a shrug. "Cool! Can I take pictures?" Stormy asked.

"Uh, sure, go ahead," Nathan said as he punched Hesh and pushed him to the floor. "All right! I'm getting beaten up by Dethklok!" Hesh shouted with glee. "Yeah, take this!" Pickles shouted. "Yeahs, and this toos!" Toki said as he stomped on Hesh's face. "Quit smilin!" Murderface grunted as he knelt down and punched Hesh in the gut.

Later That Night...

Daria, Jane, and Tom were sitting at a booth in Grizzlebee's. "So... this weekend, I hear that there's going to be a special concert," Tom said. Daria sipped her chocolate milkshake before nodding her head. Jane took a bit out of her double-bacon cheeseburger. "Yeah, I know," Daria said. "Oh, you do? Well, I was hoping that you would be willing to join Jane and I, if you aren't too busy this Saturday," Tom said. "I don't think I'll be busy, but given that I know who's performing, I'm not sure if I want to go," Daria said.

"Huh?" Jane said after swallowing her food. "Well, the band-" "All right! It's time for music night to begin!" came a loud announcer's voice. The curtains were pulled back from the stage in the back to reveal Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nicholas Campbell, and Max Tyler. Behind them, standing in the waiting area for the other bands, were some familiar faces.

Trent walked up to the microphone. "Hey. We're Mystic Spiral, but we're thinking of changing the name," he said. Backstage, Dethklok looked on in silence. "You always say that!" someone in the restaurant called out. "Yeah, you suck!" another patron shouted. "All right. Here's our first song in the set. It's called Ice Box Woman," Trent said.

"Why does he keep playing that song?" Jane asked herself. "Does he not understand that the boos are a sign of dislike instead of like or something?" Jane asked herself. "Who knows?" Tom asked as Mystic Spiral played Ice Box Woman. When the song was finished, someone threw a piece of stale bread at Trent, who simply picked it up from the stage floor and started eating it before putting it in his back pocket for later as the band prepared for their next song.

After their set was totally finished, Trent had several pieces of food stuck to his clothes, while Jesse had a mix of several drinks splashed all over him. As the curtain closed, Trent looked at the newcomers behind them. "So... you guys are gonna play next?" Trent asked them.

Nathan Explosion smirked. "Yeah. We're gonna play music," he said. "Cool. Maybe we'll stick around and listen for a few songs," Trent said. Everyone in Dethklok began to grin and chuckle.

A little bit later...

When the curtain rose, Mystic Spiral was gone, and a different band was in their place. "Oh no," Daria muttered. "What?" Tom asked her. "Dethklok," she said. "Dethklok? Those guys?" he asked. "Yeah. They're not wearing their makeup, but that's them."

Nathan Explosion looked around the restaurant. "Do you people like... music?" he asked into the microphone. "We're the Clock of Pain, and our first song is... Thunder Horse," Nathan said as the band began to play. Unlike Mystic Spiral, Dethklok actually knew what proper bass lines sounded like.

"Thunderhorse... Thunderhorse... Thunderhorse!"

The people in the restaurant began to cheer at the sound of people who actually knew what they were doing. When Thunderhorse was done, Dethklok proceeded to play Bloodtrocution, followed by Murmaider, and then the Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle.

"You know... those guys are pretty damn good," Jane said as the curtains closed. "I hate to say it, but... yeah, they fucking rock," Jane added. Daria had to agree with Jane. Dethklok... rocked.

Ending Theme: Flight Of Icarus, by Iron Maiden.

Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 017 [2-03]: Murder, They Sang Part Two

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Metalocalypse is property of Brendon Small and Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme [Heavy Metal Variation]:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct!

If you're gonna' stand!

On my neck!

[Chant of neck]

Then you'd better check!

[Chant of check]

Under the sea!

[Chant of sea]

Cause that is where you'll find me!

[Bitchin' guitar solo begins]

[Bitchin' guitar solo plays]

[Bitchin' guitar solo ends]

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water!

Sealab, Sealab!

Sealab, Sealab!

Sealab, Sealab!

Sealaaab!

At the bottom of the Seeeaaa!

Date: Thursday, November 19th, 2021

"So, I thinks that wents pretty well," Toki said after the curtains closed in front of the band. "Yeah... that was actually kind of fun," Nathan said. "Did anyones gets any ideas for new songs from this?" Skwisgaar asked. "Uh... actually, no. I didn't," Nathan said.

"Yeah, neither did I," Pickles admitted. "Trues, but mans did those other guys sucks!" Toki exclaimed after checking to make sure that Mystic Spiral was nowhere to be seen backstage. "I know," Nathan said as he started packing up his gear. The band had used their backup pit-stop gear for the performance instead of their regular concert gear.

"You put it on a shelf? What kind of lyrics are those? And there's, like, only one or two verses... and they're pretty damn short," Pickles said. "I swears, if I ever hears Ice Box Womans again, I will kill somebodys," Skwisgaar said. "You know, I think I know what songs we should play on Saturday," Nathan said.

"Yeah?" Murderface asked him. "Thunderhorse, Bloodtrocuted, Hatredcopter, Go Forth and Die, Better Metal Snake, Face Fisted, and, uh... Murmaider. "We played almost half of those tonight," Pickles said. "Yeah, but they still rock," Nathan said. "Hmm, that's true," Toki said. Wait, what about that song you sang when we releasd those kitties on that island?" Pickles asked him.

"What? I didn't sing anything when they were released," Nathan said. "Sure, you sang 'Release the Kitties!'" Pickles said. "Dude, I was giving orders to the guys opening the box," Nathan said. "Oh," Pickles said in embarrassment. "Hey, do you thinks our son is doings okay on that island?" Toki asked. "Eh, I'm sure he's doing fine," Pickles said.

"Hey, why don'ts we plays that Awaken song again?" Toki asked. "Uh... maybe not," Nathan said. "Oh come ons! We're underwaters! The sound won't be heard anywhere but inside of Sealab," Toki argued. "Yeah, but... the first time we played it, that troll thing woke up. The next time we played it... I think something happened in Japan with a volcano. I'm not sure about the details," Nathan said. "I think the Japanese volcano was just a coincidence," Pickles said.

"Go forth, be conquered... Go forth and die!" Nathan Explosion's voice played out over Stacey Rowe's music player. "This song is so... true. It's actually kind of depressing, now that I think about it," Stacey said to herself as she listened to the music.

"Strangled by the IVY... Drown in student loans... Better off just dying." Stacey began doing an air guitar while the music played, not noticing Quinn entering her room. "Hi, Stacey!" Quinn called over the music. "Stacey!" Quinn called. She put her hand on Stacey's right shoulder. "Huh?" Stacey asked.

Quinn turned the volume down on the music player. "So, ready to go see Dethklok on Saturday?" Quinn asked her. "Hell yeah!" Stacey exclaimed.

Date: Friday, November 20th, 2021

Daria entered the bridge and sat down at her station. Jane was right behind her. "Afternoon, Daria," Sparks said. "Afternoon, Sparks," Daria replied. "So, I heard that you gave Dethklok the grand tour on Wednesday," Sparks said. "You heard? Must be difficult to hear when your constantly listening to communication channels," Daria snarked.

"Amy told me last night, just before... never mind," Sparks said. "Yeah, I know that you two are... seeing each other, but I really don't need any details," Daria said. "Daria... have you noticed anyone acting strangely around Sealab lately?" Sparks asked her.

"Why?" Daria asked him. "Anyone close to Commander Li? Anyone who could have gotten access to her housing unit?" Sparks asked. "Sparks, what did you steal from Commander Li?" Daria asked him. "Nothing. Someone murdered her and framed Ms. Morris yesterday," Sparks replied nonchalantly.

Jane nearly dropped her art supplies. "Wait... someone murdered Commander Li?" she asked. "Yup. Strangled her and then plopped Samantha Morris on her bed as a decoy," Sparks said. "Well, who's looking into the case?" Daria asked. "Commander DeMartino is in charge of the investigation," Sparks replied.

"You know, there are plenty of people on Sealab who want Commander Li dead... it could be anyone," Jane said. "Not really. Only someone who was close enough to figure out Commander Li's access code for her housing unit, or had authorization to enter it based on rank," Sparks said.

"That would include you, Commander DeMartino, Captain Murphy, Captain Shanks, Commander Oats, and the late Commander Li herself," Daria said. "And Samantha Morris. She was really close to Commander Li, if you know what I mean," Sparks said. "And here I thought that Barch and O'Neill were the only ones," Jane said.

"Wait, why didn't Aunt Amy tell me last night after I came home?" Daria asked. "I don't know. Maybe she didn't want to worry you. Ask her," Sparks said.

"Sparks, how's the communication traffic today?" Daria asked him. "Almost non-existent," he replied. "Okay then. Jane, we're going to solve a mystery," Daria said as she stood up. "I'll tell them that you ate something that didn't agree with you and then had to use one of the large bathrooms down the hall," Sparks said.

"Thanks," Daria said before she and Jane left the bridge. "She can handle it," he said to himself as he returned to a rousing game of Chess against his computer. "You cheating whore!" he growled under his breath as the computer check-mated him yet again for the tenth game in a row.

Daria and Jane grabbed a transport cart and made their way to Commander DeMartino's office. "Daria, when did you get a license for the carts?" Jane asked her. "Two weeks ago," Daria replied. "Oh right! That was what we were celebrating that night, wasn't it?" Jane asked her. "You forgot?" Daria asked her as they slowly turned a corner.

"Well, most of what I remember involves you and Tom taking turns eating my-" "Look, we're almost there," Daria said as she saw a handful of people in the corridor. She slowed down the cart and then parallel parked it next to one side of the wall. Jane followed Daria as they got out of the cart and approached the doors to DeMartino's office.

Daria entered an access code and scanned her ID badge before the door opened for her and they entered the waiting area. "Can I help you, Lieutenant Morgendorffer?" Commander DeMartino's voice asked from a speaker. "May we enter your office?" Daria asked him. "You may do so," his voice said. The door slid open and Daria and Jane walked into Commander DeMartino's office.

"Commander, we'd like permission to join the investigation," Daria requested. "The investigation?" he asked her. "Of Commander Angela Li's murder," Daria clarified for him. "Who informed you?" DeMartino asked her. "Sparks," Daria replied. "Figures. Is there any way to convince you to pursue other interests at this time?" DeMartino asked her. "Well, asking for money won't work, since you aren't either of my parents," Daria said. "That is true," DeMartino said in agreement.

"So, what have you found so far?" Daria asked him. "Wait, I haven't agreed to let you in on the investigation," DeMartino countered. "You can either let me in or I'll investigate on my own. Which would you rather see?" Daria replied. "Fine," DeMartino said as he began sharing information with her.

Stacey Rowe's eyes were bugging out in adoration as she listened with rapt attention to Toki Wartooth telling her about Fat Kid. "He was, likes, our little neutered angel after that," Toki said. "Yeah," added Nathan, "Then we sent him to live on that island with the kitties." "Yeah... they ripped him to shreds," Pickles said quietly with a smile.

Quinn and Stacey had been heading towards Tiffany Blum-Deckler's housing unit for a fashion club meeting when they encountered Dethklok in the halls of Pod 18. "Hey, remember that time when Murderface started trying out those different religions after his near-death experience?" Pickles mentioned.

"Oh yeah," Nathan said. "Hey, Skwisgaar, how much have you re-thought your life lately?" Nathan asked with a smirk. "Shut ups," Skwisgaar said. "So... what are you guys doing wandering the halls right now?" Quinn finally asked them. "Oh, just looking around, exploring. Getting some ideas for future songs and stuff," Nathan replied. She hadn't been able to ask them earlier, because as soon as Stacey recgonized Toki, she turned into a squealing fangirl, and Quinn was forced to spend all of her efforts on keeping Stacey properly restrained.

"C-C-C-Can I have your autograph?" Stacey asked Toki. "Sures! You gots somethings to writes with?" he replied. Stacey took off her backpack and pulled out her notebook, before handing Toki a pen. He signed his name on a blank sheet. "Hey, guys, do yous wants to give autograph to this girl too?" Toki asked the rest of Dethklok.

"Eh, why not?" Pickles said as he took the pen and wrote his name down. Nathan was next, followed by Murderface and finally Skwisgaar. "There you goes," Skwisgaar said as he handed the pen and notebook back to Stacey. "Whens was the last times we didn't gets molested while signings something?" Skiwsgaar asked himself.

"So, we know that it isn't Commander DeMartino, or Lieutenant Sherman," Daria said as she looked over the list of suspects and the alibis they'd given. "We know that Captain Murphy wasn't responsible, nor was Captain Shanks. And Commander Oats was with Marco that night at Pizza-Marine. That would leave... Commander Sparks," Daria said. "You don't think that he... you know, did it, do you?" Jane asked her. "He was the one who told us about the murder. It would have been the perfect way of deflecting attention away from himself," Daria said out loud.

"Li was killed Wednesday night, so we have to find out what Sparks was doing on Wednesday night," Jane said she and Daria made their way to the bridge. "We don't know for certain that he was responsible, though," Jane added. "As Sherlock Holmes once said in The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet, when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth," Daria said.

The two girls eventually reached the bridge and entered. "Sparks," Daria said as they moved closer to him. "Yeah?" he asked her while keeping his eyes on his computer screen, playing a game of Solitaire.

"Um... where exactly were you on Wednesday night?" Daria asked him. "I thought you didn't want to hear about what Amy and I do together," he said. "You were... with Aunt Amy that night?" Daria asked him. "Yeah. You can ask her yourself when you find her. Why do you... oh, right, that's the night that Commander Li was murdered," Sparks replied.

"So... your alibi is that you were... spending time with Amy Barksdale," Daria said. "If by spending time you mean having sex, then yes," Sparks replied with a smirk. "Thanks. We'll, go find Amy and ask her for confirmation," Daria said as she and Jane left the bridge. Sparks turned back to his game of Solitaire.

"So... do you think he was lying?" Jane asked Daria. "No. He wasn't lying. He and Aunt Amy have been seeing each other for two or three months now. They're adults, and that's what adults tend to do when they... date," Daria said. "They're dating?" Jane asked. "Well, it's more of a friends with benefits kind of thing, according to Aunt Amy. Sparks hasn't said anything to challenge that statement, so I guess that's how it is," Daria replied.

"Hold on... why do I get the feeling that we've already talked about Amy seeing Sparks before?*" Daria asked. "I don't know. But there is a strange feeling of familiarity about this discussion," Jane said. "Anyway, let's go find Aunt Amy," Daria said.

"Yes, Daria, I was having sex with Jodene that night," Amy said with a sigh. "Thank you for confirming this," Daria replied. "Why did you want to know?" Amy asked her. "So that we can rule him out on the list of suspects in Commander Li's murder," Daria replied.

"Daria, you really shouldn't get involved in this," Amy said. "Too late, and Commander DeMartino already gave me permission," Daria replied. "Dammit," Amy muttered.

"So... who else is there?" Jane asked as they ruled out both Commander Sparks and Amy Barksdale. "It would still have to be someone close to Commander Li. Or maybe... someone close to Ms. Morris. Since the investigation revealed that Morris and Li were seeing each other, Morris would have been given access to Li's housing unit, and that means that someone close to her could have gotten access," Daria said.

"But who could that be?" Jane asked. "We'll have to talk to the teachers at New Lawndale High. Come on, Jane," Daria said. "Wait, I'm coming with you," Amy said as she followed her niece and Jane.

"Nope," Janet Barch said. "I don't talk with Samantha very much. Not after she tried to stab me in the back by threatening to expose me and Skinny here when she herself was involved with Angela," she continued. "So, you haven't been close enough to her to be invited over to her domicile, I take it?" Daria asked her. "I believe I just said that," Barch replied.

"And you were with Timothy O'Neill that night, correct?" Daria asked. "What did you-" "It's not that much of a secret," Jane interrupted her.

"No. Samantha isn't my type," Timothy O'Neill said. "I mean, yes she is physically attractive, but... well..." "We know that you and Miss Barch are seeing each other," Daria said. "Oh! I guess we haven't done a good job of keeping that a secret, have we?" he asked in response. "Well... most people are too oblivious to notice, but the signs are there," Daria replied.

"So, anyway, you were never invited to her quarters and never did anything with her?" Daria asked him. "That's correct. She and Janet had a bit of a spat some time ago, and I've tried to avoid being around her so that she won't try to do anything to me in an attempt to hurt Janet, as a precaution," O'Neill said. "Samantha Morris, well, can be very vindictive, much like Commander Li," O'Neill explained.

"Why are you interviewing me?" Commander Anthony DeMartino asked. "We're being thorough," Daria replied. "You already have my statement in the document packet I gave you, along with the interrogation of Samantha Morris as well," he said. "Oh yeah," Jane said. "Now get out of my office. Mister Offdensen has requested a meeting with me in an hour, and I haven't eaten anything since lunch," DeMartino said.

"And you, Lieutenant Barksdale, I need you to take a maintenance to the stadium again. Someone found some loose screws near one of the stage lights. I don't want any accidents occurring tomorrow."

"Oh, I was with Claire Defoe that night, talking to her about an art project she has planned for her class next week," David Van Driessen said. "Hmm, since now's as good a time as any, what happened on Thursday?" Daria asked him. "Oh that? Well, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had flashbacks to my time in Highland when I heard Kevin Thompson's chuckling and his comments. It reminded me so much of Beavis and Butthead," he admitted sadly.

"Their laughter sometimes haunts me in my sleep," he said. "Sometimes, when I'm around Dolphin Boy, I have flashbacks that can last up to ten minutes, thanks to his incessant chirping sounding so much like Beavis's laughter," Van Driessen said with a frown. Daria frowned as well. David Van Driessen was one of the few adults who she would ever admit to looking up to, and to see him like this was... depressing.

"I was with David that night. We were talking about a special art project I have planned next week. Jane, I think you'll really enjoy it," Claire Defoe said. "Um... sure," Jane replied. "So, what else were you doing with Mr. Van Driessen that night?" Daria asked her. "Him. I mean, we had a very eventful night together," Defoe said with a blush.

"And, what about your relationship with Miss Morris? Has she ever invited you to her quarters?" Daria asked her. "Once or twice. The first time I actually went along, not realizing that Angela Li was there as well. I thought that they were going to inform me that my class was going to have budget issues again, but instead they... wanted to discuss something else," Defoe said.

"They propositioned you?" Daria asked. "Well... yes. I don't swing that way, although I do admit that Samantha is attractive, but I just don't see her in a romantic light," Defoe replied. "I turned down the second offer a few weeks ago," Defoe said. "And I've never been close to Angela."

"Oh, I've spent a few nights at Li's quarters or Samantha's quarters while going over budget plans," Diane Bennett said. "There have been a few times when she's actually had me meet her in her office in the security area, which I've always found strange." "I see, and on Wednesday night?" Daria asked her. "I was busy going over budget costs for tomorrow's concert," she replied.

"No, I've never really been close to either of them," Calvin Deckard said. "Both of them just kind of rubbed me the wrong way, in terms of personality. Miss Li always had this paranoid tyrant personality that just creeped me out, and Samantha... I don't know. She always struck me as someone who doesn't care for what's right as long as she gets what she wants."

"Thank you, Mr. Deckard," Daria said. "And that night?" "I was busy going over papers and grading homework. I remember passing by Miss Bennett on my way to my quarters, though. I said hello to her, but she didn't respond."

"Eh, I've tried makin' friends with Sam, but she always blew me off," Coach Gibson said with a sigh. "I see, and you were never very close to Commander Li?" Daria asked. "Not really. I did my job, did whatever she told or asked me to do, and that was that," he replied nonchalantly.

"I've considered Commander Li to be an academic equal, sometimes, although her paranoid security measures have always given me a slight sense of unease. Every now and then I find myself checking the bathrooms for hidden cameras," Alfred Phelps said. "And you've never been close to Samantha Morris either?" Daria asked him carefully. "No. I will admit that from a purely objective viewpoint, her body is attractive, but she isn't my type," he replied.

"No?" "No. I can admit to the beauty of the female form, but my tastes are... elsewhere," he said. "You like other dudes," Jane said plainly. "...Yes." Phelps said. "Hmm, this means I win that bet with Andrea," Jane said.

"So, even though you've made it clear that you've never been close to either of them in that way, where were you on Wednesday night?" Daria asked him. "I was grading papers. I have to say, Miss Morgendorffer-" "Lieutenant Morgendorffer," Daria corrected him. "Lieutenant Morgendorffer, that your sister is showing a marked improvement in the time since the move from Lawndale," Phelps said.

"I'll be sure to pass that on to her tonight," Daria said. "Please do, and be sure to tell her that the Advanced Math Club is always looking for new members," Phelps said. "I'll try to remember," Daria said as she and Jane left Alfred Phelps' housing unit.

"Never spent much time with either of them outside of work hours," Thomas Hanson said. "And that night?" "I was grading papers and homework. I think I fell asleep at my desk, though. At my housing unit, of course. I keep a work desk there."

"I've always tried to stay as far away from Commander Li as possible," Megan Fitzgerald said. "And on Wednesday night?" "I was grading papers and mast-I mean, relieving some stress."

"None of these leads go anywhere," Daria said. "Wait... Miss Bennett said that she'd been at both of their quarters before and that she'd been in both of Commander Li's offices. She's the most likely culprit," Jane said. "You're right," Daria said.

"We need to find Commander DeMartino right away," Daria said as she and Jane made their way over to a set of transport carts. "Let's go," Daria said as they sped off towards Pod 08.

"See, these guitars are mades from the metals of the sunken wreckage of the Titanic," Skwisgaar said. "Coooool," Stacey said in awe as Skwisgaar showed off his guitar collection. "Hey, I gots a rebuilt grandpa's guitar from that time we wokes up that troll," Toki said. "Did you bring it with you?" Pickles asked him. "No," Toki said sadly. "I lefts it at home," he added.

"I have this guitar made from wood found in a Siberian forest. I once swung it this car that some douchebag had parked between a regular parking space and a handi-capped space, and it totally wrecked up the car!" Nathan bragged. "Cool! Can I see it?" Stacey asked him. "I, uh... I left it at Mordhaus, didn't I?" he said.

"Aw, don't feel bad, Nathan," Toki said. "I lefts my specials guitars at home too," he added in an attempt to cheer up Nathan. "I only brought my regular guitar and two spares as backup," Murderface said. "I wanted to leave room in the Death-X for souvenirs," he said.

"Did you bring any cool guitars, Pickles?" Stacey asked him. "I'm the drummer. I only play guitar as backup in case Toki forgets his insulin before a show that doesn't need drums for some reason. I mean, yeah, I brought one just in case, but it's just a standard guitar. Cause, I mean, you know, it's a backup guitar that I probably won't even use," he said with a shrug.

"So, what songs are you guys gonna play at the concert tomorrow?" Stacey asked them giddily. "Well," Nathan began, "I'm pretty sure we're gonna play Thunderhorse. People like that one. We'll also play Go Forth and Die, uh, Bloodtrocuted, Murmaider, Hatredcopter, Face Fisted, and Better Metal Snake. We're also thinking about maybe playing Awaken, but given our history with that song, we might leave it out."

There was a knock on the door. "I'll get it," Quinn said. She opened the door and saw Elsie Sloane standing in the doorway, along with a goth girl she'd seen at school. "Elsie, um..." "Andrea," Andrea LaGotha replied. "Right. You're in my sister's grade, aren't you?" Quinn asked her.

"Pretty sure," Andrea replied. She looked over and saw Stacey standing next to Dethklok and her eyes widened. "Wait... one of the Fashion geeks is a fan of Dethklok?" Andrea asked out loud. "Oh great, more fans trying to get pre-show autographs," Pickles said.

"Well, you aren't wrong about that," Andrea said with a smirk. "So, who's the other one, and what is that thing on her face?" Pickles asked. "Yeah, whats is that?" Toki asked curiously. "It is my voice modulator," Elsie replied.

"What do you needs it for?" Toki asked her. "My voice is dangerous to the ears of mere mortals, and only a small number can listen without succumbing to the insanity unleashed by it," Elsie said. "Um, what?" Murderface asked. "My voice is a dangerous weapon, capable of making grown men collapse on their knees as the blood spills from their eyes and their voices cry for a salvation that will never come," Elsie explained.

"Whoa! Those words were brutal. Those would make great lyrics for a song," Nathan said in awe. "What did you say your name was?" Nathan asked her. "Elsie Sloane," she replied. "Can we hears your real voice?" Skwisgaar asked her. "No. Mere mortals such as yourselves would not be able to handle it," Elsie replied.

"Ha! Please, I am no mere mortal," Skwisgaar said. "I am a rock star!" "You are not making my point any less valid," Elsie commented.

"Are you sure?" Commander DeMartino asked Daria. "She's the only one who could possibly have access to Commander Li and Miss Morris's quarters and not raise suspicion from either of them with her presence," Daria explained. "What about security footage of the hallway? How did she not get caught earlier?" Offdensen asked. Daria and Jane had interrupted his meeting with DeMartino.

"Whoever was watching the cameras must have been in on it. But who was in charge of the cameras for that section of the pod that night?" Daria asked. "Wait, Tommy Sherman was on duty that night. He might know something," DeMartino said. "I thought Sherman was with you when you found the body of Commander Li," Daria noted.

"He was, but since he always followed Commander Li's orders, and Miss Bennett was close to her, he may have willingly given her the access code if she were to have asked him, since he also had an access code for her quarters," DeMartino said. "So we have to find Sherman and ask him for confirmation," Daria said.

"Um... ouch," Jane said as she looked at Tommy Sherman's corpse. "Do you think she killed him because he discovered the truth? I mean, he was never the brightest bulb in the socket, but he wasn't a complete idiot either," Jane asked. "It's possible that she wanted to make sure that he couldn't talk. Dead men tell no tales," Daria said.

"But... why? Why would she kill Commander Li and Lieutenant Sherman?" Commander DeMartino asked rhetorically. "Wait... Bennett is in charge of the budget for both New Lawndale and Sealab, correct?" Daria asked. "Yeah, she is!" DeMartino said.

"What if Commander Li's deal with Dethklok made her suffer a breakdown because of the cost? Or what if she found out that we were being paid in pennies for hosting the concert?" Jane asked. "Pennies?" Offdensen asked her. "Yeah, she hates pennies for some reason," Jane replied.

"We have to find her. Quickly," DeMartino said firmly. "I need to get to the band. Keep them safe!" Offdensen said as he ran off.

"Eliminate them, before the rest of Sealab's crew can catch you!" General Grozer said to Diane Bennett over a special communications device. "Affirmative," Bennett replied emotionlessly. "Once you succeed, make your way to a transportation vessel and hide. We'll pick you up at the designated rendezvous point tomorrow after you reach the surface and make your way back to the mainland. Good luck, Agent Shadow," Grozer said.

"Thanks you guys!" Stacey row called out as she, Quinn, Andrea, and Elsie left Dethklok's suite. As they made their way over to an elevator, they saw Diane Bennett slowly walking towards them. "Hey, Miss Bennett, what are you doing here?" Quinn asked her.

"Oh, I'm just... checking on the band to make sure that our money was well spent on their accommodations!" Bennett said. "Oh, okay," Quinn said. "She is lying. I can sense it," Elsie said. "Why, what ever do you mean?" Bennett asked Elsie as she drew a gun from behind her back.

"Hey, you guys left this notebook behind!" Pickles said as he opened the door to the suite. Bennett took out her gun and opened fire. "Holy shit!" Pickles exclaimed as he closed the door. Bennett ran over and grabbed Elsie, putting the gun to her head.

"Come on out now and I'll let the girl live!" Bennett called. "Do you truly wish to die so soon?" Elsie asked her. "Shut up! I have my orders!" Bennett snapped at her. "Very well. Quinn, Stacey, Andrea! Cover your ears or get into Dethklok's suite!" Elsie yelled.

"Wait, why would we-" "Come on!" Quinn shouted as she grabbed Andrea and Stacey by their arms and opened the suite entrance, rushing inside. Bennett ran forward and leaped inside as well, rolling onto the floor with Elsie still in her grasp. Part of Elsie's voice modulator came loose. Quinn grabbed Andrea and Stacey and this time ran out of the room, closing the door behind them.

"Dethklok, if you truly wish to see brutality in its purest form, at least cover your ears," Elsie said, keeping her face pressed into the modulator as Bennett stood up and let her go. She aimed her gun at Toki first. "Good bye, Dethklok!" Bennett shouted as she placed a finger on the trigger.

Elsie had taken her modulator off by now, and tapped Bennett's shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll deal with you eventually," Bennett said, before she noticed that Elsie's voice modulator wasn't on her face.

"Foolish mortal! You have played with fire for far too long, and now your actions must bear their decrepit fruit! Behold, the torment of a thousand agonies, suffered by a thousand victims!" Elsie shouted.

Bennett's eyes rolled back and blood began to leak from her nose and ears. "I-I don't... I... W-W-Whhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!?" Bennett screamed in agony as she fell over onto the floor. Elsie walked over and grabbed her modulator, carefully placing it back on her face. She looked over at Dethklok, who were all staring at her and Bennetts body.

"That... was fucking metal," Nathan said. "Brutal," Murderface said in awe. "The most metals things I have ever seen!" Toki whispered. "Dude, you just, like, killed her with your voice!" Pickles exclaimed. "Yo, thats was pretty brutal, what yous dids right there," Skwisgaar said as he pointed at Bennett's body.

"So, it would seem that you are not mere mortals after all," Elsie said, before the door opened and Quinn ran inside. "Elsie, what-oh," Quinn said as she looked at Diane Bennett's body.

Date: Saturday, November 21st, 2021

"So, Elsie Sloane ended up putting Diane Bennett in a coma," Commander DeMartino said as he watched Dethklok getting set up on the stadium stage. "Yep. It seems that Miss Sloane's voice was not something that we were given any warning about by Commander Li," Offdensen said with a frown. "Miss Sloane attends New Fielding, and Commander Li did not serve in any capacity there. She only served as a part-time principal at New Lawndale," DeMartino said.

"Hmm, is there anything else we should know about Miss Sloane?" Offdensen asked warily. "Nothing that I am aware of," DeMartino said.

Dethklok looked around at the stage full of people. "Hey, full house," Pickles said with a grin. "Yeah. Let's rock," Nathan said before he stepped up to the microphone. "Are you people ready for the taste of metal?" The crowd cheered. "Our first song is... Hatredcopter!"

Dethklok began playing, and the crowd sat in rapt attention as they listened.

Trent Lane and the rest of Mystic Spiral, sitting in a back row, began nodding their heads in tune with the beat of the song. "Hey... they're pretty good," Trent said.

Down in another row, Daria, Jane, Tom, and Elsie watched the band perform with smiles on their faces. "You were right, Jane. Dethklok... rocks," Daria admitted. Jane smirked.

An hour later, after performing at least two encores of Thunderhorse and Better Metal Snake, Nathan cleared his throat. "And now, for a special song, that we debated playing today. After realizing that we might not come back here again for a very long time, we've decided... that we will finish this concert... with Awaken!"

Dethklok began playing, and everyone watched. However, Elsie began shift oddly in her seat.

"Mustakrakish!

The time has come... (Mustakrakish)

To awaken him (Mustakrakish)!"

Elsie's eyes began to glow as she formed a smile on her face.

"Mustakrakish!"

Daria turned to look as Elsie's skin began to glow and become slightly translucent. "E-Elsie?" Daria asked with a nervous gulp. Jane and Tom looked over at her as well.

"Mustakrakish!

I call upon the ancient lords of the underworld to bring forth this beast, and...

Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken!"

Elsie began to slowly lift into the air, and great beams of light shot out of her back, forming glowing white wings. Tom, Daria, and Jane looked on in confusion, amazement, awe, and terror.

"Take the land that must be taken!

Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken!

Devour worlds,

Smite forsaken!"

Elsie rose into the air and her wings spread, soon encompassing the entirety of the stadium width. Everyone began looking around, while Dethklok, oblivious to Elsie's transformation, continued the ancient oath to bring about the destruction and renewal of the world.

"Rise up from your thousandth year of sleep,

Break forth from your grave, eter-nally!"

Elsie's eyes glowed red and she spread her arms.

"I command you to rise!

Rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise!"

"Elsie!" Tom shouted in fear.

Tom, Daria, and Jane watched as people all over the stadium began exploding into puddles of orange liquid as Elsie's form grew in size and she began to float through the metal of the pod and rose through the ocean depths.

"I am the conjurer of demons,

I am... the father... of your death!

I.. bring forth... the ancient evil!

I... control... it's every breath!"

In the meeting room of the Tribunal, everyone watched as satellites picked up the imagery of the Giant Glowing Naked Elsie rising above the Earth, looking down on the life forms below.

"My god! What the hell is happening!?" General Grozer exclaimed in a panicked tone.

"I instigate... your misfortune!

With the birth... of killing trolls!"

"Complementation!" Keel Lorenz exclaimed. "It begins!" he shouted. General Grozer took out a pistol and shot Keel in the head. Mr. Salacia merely narrowed his eyes.

"I awaken Armageddon!

Feeding on... a thousand souls!

Awaken!

Awaken... awaken... awaken... awaken... awaken!"

Captain Murphy saw a giant cupcake in his doorway, and ran over to hug it before he burst into LCL.

"Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken!

Take the land,

That must be taken!"

Multiple members of the Tribunal began exploding into orange liquid. All over the world, small crucifixes of light arose over the spot of every person who was freed from their barriers and merged with a greater consciousness.

Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken!

Devour worlds,

Smite, forsaken!

Rise up from... your thousandth year of sleep!

Break forth from your grave eter-nally!"

Helen and Jake Morgendorffer watched as everyone in the office of Sebben and Sebben began bursting into puddles of orange goo, except for that perverted hippo.

"Drink, we'll die,

And land... will all... be burned!

Mu-sta-kra-kish!

King and gate to worlds!"

Mr. Salacia frowned as he stared at the image of Elsie on the monitors. She had become humanity's eternal mother, as the great Lilith before her had been.

"I command you to rise!

Rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise...

And... AWAKEN!"

Dethklok finished the song and looked around the stadium, seeing only Tom, Daria, and Jane still sitting, staring wide-eyed at them. Nathan scratched his head in confusion. "Huh. Where'd everybody go?"

Ending Theme: Through The Fire And The Flames, by Dragon Force.

Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 018 [2-04]: Miss Morgendorffer And The Feng Shui Gangsters

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct

If you're gonna' stand on my neck

Then you'd better check under the sea

Cause that is where you'll find me

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water

Sealab!

At the bottom of the Sea!

Date: Thursday, November 26th, 2021

Daria Morgendorffer was sitting down at her communications console at her station on the bridge. She looked over at Sparks. "Hey, Sparks?" Daria asked. "Yeah?" "You ever wonder why we're here?" Daria asked him.

"Yeah, why are we here? It's one of life's greatest mysteries, you know? Is there a purpose for our existence? Is there really a god with a plan for us, or are we just a result of some cosmic coincidence? I tend to lean more on the agnostic or atheistic side, but sometimes it really keeps me up at night," Sparks replied as he looked over at Daria.

"Actually, I was referring to me and the other people who were transferred here from Lawndale and the rest of Carter County. I mean, the people in charge of this project could have chosen any location, right? So, what made Carter County, and Lawndale in particular, so damn special?" Daria clarified.

"Oh," Sparks said. "And, not that it's really any of my business, but what was that stuff about God and the Cosmos?" Daria asked him. "Uh, nothing," Sparks said. "You wanna talk about it?" Daria asked him. She'd already finished all of her homework, and the communications traffic was relatively low today. "Not really," Sparks replied.

"So... how are things with-" "Attention, Sealab, this is transport sub 0136-WSP, requesting permission to dock," said a voice as a monitor showed the face of a pilot. Just then, Captain Murphy walked onto the bridge. "Ah, that must be them," he said with a smile. "Them? We were expecting someone?" Daria asked him.

"Yep. I've noticed that Sealab has been kind of dull lately, so a week or so ago I decided to spruce up the place by hiring some interior decorators to come on down and check the place out," Murphy explained. "Was this before or after that concert?" Daria asked him. "It was before Commander Li arranged that concert with those... whoever they were," Murphy replied.

"Right. So, is Commander Li going to have a conniption over this?" Sparks asked. "Who cares?" Murphy replied. "Good point," Sparks said. "Uh... we're still waiting for clearance to dock," said the sub pilot. "Oh, right!" Murphy said. "Uh, let's see... oh, there's an airlock that's available. Uh, you may dock at airlock 12-08," Murphy said into the microphone.

"Affirmative," said the pilot. "Come on, Daria," Murphy said. "Huh?" she asked him. "I'm going to need your help. These guys are young and hip, so I need someone who can connect with them to make things easier for everyone," Murphy explained. Daria blinked in confusion.

"Captain," Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn said as he, Daria, Commander DeMartino, and Captain Murphy made their way to the airlock, "I really think that you should have told everyone ahead of time about this visit." "Well, I was going to but, uh, Commander Li was already making arrangements for that band to come on down," Murphy replied.

"Okay, but next time you do something like this, please leave a note or a memo or something to let us know about it," Dr. Quinn said. "Yeah, sure. I'll do that," Murphy said dismissively. The trio finally arrived at the airlock. After waiting for their guests to enter, Daria noticed their appearance.

There were four guys, all dressed as though they were from some kind of rap music video, but with random Cantonese, Kanji, and Hiragana written on their outfits. "Yo, man," one of them said as he looked around, "I think this place could use some serious Feng Shui. I can feel an aura of despair and suffering from the walls."

"Um... are you sure that these are interior decorators?" Daria asked Captain Murphy. "Sure! They're into that Feng Shui stuff," Murphy replied. "If you wanted something like that, why didn't you ask Miss Defoe for help?" Commander DeMartino asked him. "Um... it didn't occur to me," Murphy said.

The Feng Shui Gangsters approached the group. "Hey, my name is Cubicle, and these are my partners; Plywood, Phillips, and W.D. We're here to help bring about inner peace for y'all, and we're gonna do it with style." "Huh?" DeMartino asked.

The Feng Shui Gang looked around the interior of the bridge. "Yep," said Cubicle. "Yep," said Phillips. "Mmhm," mumbled W.D. "Yep," said Plywood. "I feel... boredom in here," Cubicle said as he raised his arms and hands out. "It's supposed to be boring; it's the bridge!" Sparks said as he turned around.

"You need to have a sense of inner peace and relaxation here. To feel yourself get lost within the ocean of your consciousness," Cubicle said. "What? What the hell does that even mean?" Sparks asked him incredulously. "You need to feel yourself to become one with yourself, or else you may lose yourself. Rearranging this room can help you do that," Cubicle explained.

Sparks raised an eyebrow. "What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..."

The Feng Shui Gang looked around the hallways and class rooms of New Lawndale High. "I feel oppression with each step I take in this place," Cubicle said. "It's a high school. What do you expect?" Daria commented. "The sterility of the walls and floor. The monotonous look of the rooms... I can feel the cries of agony from the souls that reside here, screaming for an end to their torment!"

"Um... no. Once again, this is a high school," Daria said. "There is sense of despair with every square on the floor and every locker I pass. The sense that people's souls are being destroyed is overwhelming," Cubicle said. "How many times will I need to remind you that this is a high school?" Daria asked him in annoyance. Commander DeMartino simply nodded his head in agreement with her.

"Hmm," Cubicle said as he looked around Grizzlebee's, taking in the aroma of the food and the lighting. "Actually, this place is all right. Let's move on."

"This place has too much order. It's suffocating. There's nothing to let people breathe in a new direction," Cubicle said as he looked around the reactor room. "Um... we kind of need the reactor room to be a center of order. We need to have routine here," Upchuck said. "Yeah, what he said!" Hesh barked.

"But what if I told you that I can make this place more relaxing and less depressing?" Cubicle offered. "Um, again, we need-" "Hell yeah! Hesh wants to relax!" Hesh interrupted. "Dammit, Hesh," Upchuck muttered.

"All right, now that we've toured the place, we can begin giving it a much needed make over," Cubicle said as an army of workers exited sub and entered Sealab. "Okay, let's Feng Shui this place till the inner peace and light from all of its inhabitants can finally break free!"

Friday, November 27th, 2021

Daria went over to get a drink from a fountain, only to notice that the water was green. "What the hell?" she asked. She went over to a communication console and called the bridge. "Hey, Sparks, what's going on with the water?" "I don't know. I haven't been able to get in contact with anyone from engineering or sanitation," Sparks replied.

"I'll go check it out myself. Have you heard anything from Aunt Amy?" Daria replied. "Yeah, she said that she was helping Lieutenant Ruttheimer with something near the reactor room. Someone's trying to redecorate the place and is uprooting the computer systems. I sent Marco down to help her," Sparks replied.

"Dammit. Okay, I'm gonna go check out sanitation and find out what's going on," Daria said. "Good luck," Sparks said.

"Yeah, just put those leaves on top of that tube there, and empty out the other tube. Having all of these big tubes filled is just too uniform. It reeks of monotony," Cubicle said as several workers shut off another tube of water connected to the main filter system.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Daria asked angrily. "I am applying Feng Shui to this room in order to help people become at at peace with themselves," Cubicle replied. "If by at peace with themselves you mean dead from contaminated and unfiltered water, then yes, you're doing a damn good job of it," Daria replied.

"You just can't appreciate the art of Feng Shui," Cubicle said defensively. "Maybe not, but I can appreciate being alive because the water supply hasn't been tampered with!" "I left two of the tubes alone. That should be fine," Cubicle said. "Two? There are sixteen tubes connecting the filter to the pipes of Sealab! You only left two of them intact!?" Daria asked him.

"No! Don't touch that!" Amy yelled as Plywood yanked a lever out of its socket. "This here doesn't jive with the sense of tranquility that we need to instill in this place," he remarked. "You moron! That was a fail-safe lever!" Upchuck shouted before he punch Plywood in the face.

Amy and Marco joined him in beating up Plywood, before Marco also went over to beat up Hesh, who was lying in a hammock strung between a computer console and the outer shields of the reactor. After finishing with Plywood, Amy and Upchuck went over to help Marco beat up Hesh.

"This is for giving them access to the room in the first place!" Upchuck shouted as he punched Hesh in the gut. W.D. soon entered the room. Seeing Plywood on the floor, W.D. rushed over to push Marco away from him. Marco grabbed W.D. and grappled with him. While fighting with Marco, W.D. accidentally slammed into some controls for the reactor.

All over Sealab, the warning klaxons of the reactor began to go off.

"Uh... does anyone hear that noise?" Dr. Quinn asked with concern. "What noise?" Phillips asked him. "Eh, it's nothing important," Murphy said. "Oh my god, that's the reactor warning!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed. "Huh?" "Did you guys try to mess with the reactor room!?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Of course. That place needs our touch the most," Phillips said.

Five minutes later, Sealab exploded.

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 019 [2-05]: Group Therapy

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct

If you're gonna' stand on my neck

Then you'd better check under the sea

Cause that is where you'll find me

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water

Sealab!

At the bottom of the Sea!

Date: Saturday, December 2nd, 2021

Mr. O'Neill looked around the room at the various personnel who had been gathered inside of it. Sitting in a circle were Daria Morgendorffer, Commander Anthony DeMartino, Captain Murphy, Debbie Dupree, Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn, Hesh Hepplewhite, Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III, Janet Barch, Amy Barksdale, Jodene Sparks, Tommy Sherman, and Debbie Love. He was quite pleased that he'd actually managed to convince this many people to join his group therapy session.

"Okay," O'Neill said calmly, "Who would like to go first?" The room was silent. No one volunteered. "Hmm, well then, how about we choose someone to go first, and then we can all take turns from there?" O'Neill suggested. Everyone looked warily at each other.

"All right then. Daria, why don't you go first?" O'Neill asked her. Daria sighed. "Um, I don't really know what I should talk about," she said. "It can be anything at all. Anything that you want to get off your chest," O'Neill said.

"Okay. I guess... I haven't completely adjusted to not having my parents around. I mean, Aunt Amy does a good job, and we get along well, but I have to admit that, lately, I've found myself missing my parents more than I expected," Daria said. O'Neill nodded his head in understanding. "I see. Have you been able to speak with them at all lately?" O'Neill asked her.

"The other day I was able to have a video-conference with them using the communications system, and Quinn was there. We talked about how things are going here in Sealab and how things are back on land for them," Daria replied. "Ah. You know, Daria, even with the barrier of distance between you and your parents, it's very good that you still try to communicate with them, even if it is only once or twice a month," O'Neill said.

"Is there anything else that you'd like to share with us?" he asked her. "Um, not really. That's actually the only thing that's been bugging me lately," Daria replied. "I see. Well then, who would like to go next?" O'Neill asked. Upchuck slowly raised his hand. "Ah, Charles. What would you like to get out in the open?"

"Well... often times, when I'm in the reactor room or wherever else I'm needed, I sometimes feel alone, even when other people are with me. I mean, Hesh is... well, Hesh, and when I try to talk to him about things, he sometimes monopolizes the conversation," Upchuck said. "I get along well with the other crew members, but sometimes, I wish that I were around more people within my peer or age group," he added.

"I see. That must make you feel very alone, being the only person your age in that environment," O'Neill said. "Yeah," Upchuck said. "Well, just remember, Upchuck, that being the youngest person wherever you are could be viewed as a reflection of your impressive skills at doing your job. A way of saying that you're doing something that very few others are able or willing to do!" O'Neill said.

"Hmm, I hadn't thought of it that way," Upchuck said. "Is there anything else that you'd like to share with us?" O'Neill asked him. "No. That was the only thing I really needed to get off my chest," Upchuck replied. "Alright then. Okay, who's next?" O'Neill asked.

No one else seemed willing to volunteer again. "Okay, how about Dr. Quinn?" O'Neill said. "Huh? Oh, um, okay," Dr. Quinn responded. "So, Dr. Quinn, is there anything that you'd like to share with the group?" O'Neill asked him. "Uh... nothing that's really bothering me," he said. "Oh, there must be something that you want to talk to someone else about," O'Neill implored.

"Well... okay. Being a cyborg, I sometimes feel, much like Lieutenant Ruttheimer, that I'm alone in Sealab. I'm also one of the smartest people here, and not having many other people around me who can match my intellect can make me feel frustrated at times," he said. "Hmm. Interesting," O'Neill said. "Well, I know that Lieutenant Morgendorffer here is very intelligent. Perhaps you should spend some time talking with her once in a while. Maybe you'll feel as though you have an intellectual equal if you do that," O'Neill suggested.

"Hmm, I suppose," Dr. Quinn said. "And also Commander DeMartino. he's very intelligent, and I'm sure that both of you could find yourselves becoming fast friends," O'Neill said. "Okay. I'll give that a shot," Dr. Quinn said, somewhat impressed by Mr. O'Neill's actually sound advice.

"Is there anything else that you'd like to discuss?" O'Neill asked him. "Not really," Dr. Quinn replied. "Okay. So, who would like to go next?" O'Neill asked. "Hesh would like to go next!" Hesh exclaimed. "Alright, Hesh. What would you like to talk about?"

"Hesh wants more respect! Hesh wants sex! Hesh wants everyone to like him!" Hesh exclaimed. "Maybe if you weren't so annoying, one of those might actually be possible," DeMartino muttered under his breath. "I have to work in the reactor room and in engineering all damn day, and my only company is a whiny teenager! There are no women! Hesh wants hot women with him! Hesh wants sex!"

"Hmm, I see..." O'Neill said, regretting his decision to have invited Hesh to the therapy session. "Hesh also wants more security locks in place so that Captain Murphy can't barge in an plug his ovens or golf carts into the power sockets in the reactor room!" he said. "Oh?" O'Neill asked, his interest actually piqued.

"That kind of thing is dangerous! Hesh wants more hazmat suits available in the reactor room! Hesh also wants a larger closet in there for private time!" he exclaimed. "Um, private time?" "Yeah, Hesh has needs! Hesh needs to-" "Okay, I understand," O'Neill said, interrupting him. "Um, since a lot of your concerns seem to be legitimate complaints that should actually be sent to higher-ranking officials, how about you write them down and give them to Commander DeMartino or Commander Li after this is over," O'Neill suggested.

"Hmm... okay. But will they let me have hot women in there with me?" Hesh asked. "I don't know. That's up to them," O'Neill replied. "Okay, who's next?" he asked. I suppose I should go next," Debbie Love said. "Ah, Miss Love. It's been a while since we've had the pleasure of speaking with you," O'Neill said.

"What would you like to talk about?" he asked her. "Well, I have to deal with the orphans a lot, and so few people want to help me. I've been feeling tired and unmotivated a lot recently," she said. "Oh. That sounds problematic," O'Neill said. "And... I have to deal with Dolphin Boy almost every day. He annoys me," Debbie Love said. "Yeah," many of the other people in the room said in agreement.

"That is very understandable," O'Neill said. "I mean, that little bastard eats food labeled with other people's names, and his uniform hurts my eyes! He's always hiding the remote for the TV in the main room, and I swear, sometimes I think he smells like barbecue sauce!" Debbie Love continued. "Um, actually, I can explain that one," Sparks said.

"You can?" Debbie Love asked him. "Yeah. See, sometimes, I use Dolphin Boy to test out steak and barbecue sauces to see which ones will attract marine predators to fastest," Sparks explained. "Oh! Okay, I guess that isn't so bad then," Debbie love said while nodding her head. Everyone, including O'Neill, nodded their heads in agreement.

"So, who would like to go next?" O'Neill asked. "Tommy Sherman will go go next," Tommy Sherman said. "Okay. What would you like to talk about?" O'Neill asked him. "Tommy Sherman used to be a star quarterback. But now... Tommy Sherman is merely the tool of an Orwellian-inspired wannabe dictator. Commander Li is a horrible person. Tommy Sherman rarely feels love or happiness anymore," Tommy Sherman said.

"I see. Well, have you tried looking for other ways to improve your life?" O'Neill asked Tommy Sherman. "No. It would not matter. Tommy Sherman is only a pawn in the game of life," Tommy Sherman said. "Oh dear," O'Neill said. "Well, how about we schedule some one-on-one therapy sessions for the future? Does that sound like a good idea?" O'Neill asked him. "Tommy Sherman will think about it," Tommy Sherman said.

"That's okay. So, who wants to go next?" O'Neill asked. "I guess I'll go next," Commander DeMartino said. "Alright, Anthony-er, Commander, what would you like to talk about with us?" O'Neill asked him. "Well... it's not as bad as it used to be, but when I do teach history classes at New Lawndale High, I can feel the anger and rage building up. Every time that I deal with Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor, I can feel my will to live being sapped away!" he said.

"Oh my," O'Neill said. "I don't know how to get through to that boy! I asked him what decade the Roaring Twenties took place in, and he responded with the nineteen eighties! How the hell can anyone be that stupid!? And the sad part is, I know that he isn't being sarcastic or joking around," DeMartino said.

"And Miss Taylor isn't much better! I-I can't stand those two nitwits! And then there's the bullshit that Commander Li tries to do at the school, with her security measures and misuse of funds! I'm with Sherman on this one; Commander Li is possibly a dictator in the making!" DeMartino exclaimed.

"Oh dear," O'Neill said. "Well, you can always talk to Captain Murphy and Captain Shanks about this," O'Neill said. "Please. Shanks isn't much more competent that Murphy. Most of the time, It's me and Doctor Quinn keeping this place intact," he ruefully. "Hey, what about me and Marco?" Amy asked him. "Oh, right. You two also have functioning brains. I'd mention Sparks, but... I mean, he definitely has a brain in that head, but he's too busy trying to drive Murphy insane to actually be of any help," DeMartino said.

"Hey, I have a brain! Men, always thinking of women as brainless objects!" Janet Barch said. "Um... you always try to attack me with a wrench when I come near you, no matter how many times I remind you that I'm not your ex-husband," DeMartino explained.

"I see. It looks like you feel isolated because all of the people who can help you are spread out amongst a wide area where communication can be difficult, and one of the few who is in close proximity is... dealing with her own issues in a manner that makes proper communication difficult," O'Neill said.

"How about you and the people you are closest to make it a habit to meet up at a designated location every other week and plan things out. Discuss issues that you find across the station and come up with solutions for how to approach and solve those issues," O'Neill said. DeMartino stared at him. "That... that was actually a sensible suggestion. I must say, Tim, that I am rather shocked."

"Um, thank... you?" O'Neill said hesitantly. "So... who wants to go next?" O'Neill asked. Amy volunteered. "Alright, Amy, what would you like to discuss?" "Well, despite getting along well with Daria and Quinn, I can't help but feel that maybe I'm not doing all that I can for them, or that maybe we aren't as close as I'd like us to be. I mean, I understand that they have their boundaries, and I know that they have their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions," Amy said.

"I just... I don't want to push them, but I don't want to be neglectful or distant from them either," Amy said. "I see. So, what you're saying is, you want to give your nieces their space, but you don't want to seem inattentive or neglectful. You be part of their lives, but you don't want to push them or intrude upon them either," O'Neill said in a rare moment of professional clarity.

"Um... yeah. That's... that's actually pretty accurate," Amy said, stunned by O'Neill's insight. "Hmm. Well, what I would suggest is asking them if they would feel comfortable with some light bonding, either as a group or in one-on-one situations. But make sure that these are evenly numbered, to prevent the sisters from becoming jealous of each other," O'Neill said.

DeMartino leaned over to Daria. "Okay, where's Mr. O'Neill and who is this... competent impostor?" he asked Daria with a whisper. "I have no idea," Daria replied, also in a whisper.

"Well, Daria and Quinn-" "Huh?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Different Quinn," Sparks said. "Oh," Dr. Quinn said. "-are both so different, and similar in certain ways. I actually get along very well with Daria and we understand each other, but with Quinn... sometimes I'm not sure how to approach her without making things awkward," Amy said.

"I see. Well, in that case, how about just asking her about her day whenever you two are together or sharing a meal? Nothing too invasive, just casual questions. If she invites you to ask more personal questions, then go for it, but don't be too forward. Learn what pace she's comfortable with and go from there," O'Neill said.

"Thanks. I'll... give that a try," Amy said. "You're welcome. Alright, who wants to go next?" he asked. Debbie Dupree raised her hand. "Yes? White Debbie. Why don't you share something with us?" O'Neill asked her.

"Well, the other day, I asked Quentin if he was up for experimenting, and I asked him if we could do anal, but he doesn't feel comfortable about it," White Debbie said. O'Neill and Barch both stared at her with wide eyes. "Um... how about you come speak with me and Janet-I mean Lieutenant Commander Barch, in a private session. Bring Dr. Quinn along, and all four of us can have a more... educational discussion about this. Now, is there anything else that you'd like to try-I mean ask?" O'Neill asked her.

"Um... not really," she said. "Oh. Okay. Anyone else have something? Captain Murphy, I haven't heard you say anything." "Oh. Uh, well... I thought that I was just supposed to listen to people as the therapist," he said. "Um... no. You aren't the therapist; I am," O'Neill said. "Oh. Oops," Murphy said. "Well, either way, is there still anything that you'd like to share with us?" O'Neill asked him.

"Well, I discovered some time ago that if I listen to rap music from the nineteen eighties, I grow facial hair. I also discovered that if I listen to rap music made after the nineteen eighties, I go bald. No exceptions, not even that Will Smith song from Men In Black, and I really like that song!" "I see. Um... does this happen when you're awake, or just when you're asleep?" O'Neill asked him. "Both. I've had White Quinn help me test this ability several times," Murphy replied.

"Oh. Okay. Um... anything else you feel like sharing? I mean, that was very interesting, but that doesn't seem like a very big problem," O'Neill said. "Oh. Well, there is one thing that nags at me. See, I've been bugging Doctor Quinn to build me a robot body. And not just any robot body, but an Adrienne Barbeau robot body, with D-Cups full of justice!" Murphy said. "And... he won't build one for me," Murphy said.

"Um... I... well... uh... I honestly don't know what to say to that," O'Neill admitted. "Well, would this robot body be able to eat cupcakes?" Daria asked Murphy. "Uh... I didn't ask," Murphy said. "Well, ask Dr. Quinn if that's possible, maybe he doesn't have the ability to make a robot body that can do that yet," Daria said. "My god, you're right! Dr. Quin is just looking out for me!" Murphy exclaimed. He turned to look at Dr. Quinn. "Quentin, why didn't you tell me that that was the reason!?" Murphy asked him.

"Well..." It isn't the reason, but I'll go with it for now. "I... didn't know how to break it to you," he said. "Doctor, you're a true pal!" Murphy said with a smile. "Cool. Now, will you stop bugging me about it?" Dr. Quinn asked him. "Sure, as long as you promise to tell me when you are able to build a robot body that can eat cupcakes," Murphy replied. "Sure. I'll do that," Dr. Quinn lied.

"Well, now that we've solved that problem, Sparks, would you like to go next?" O'Neill asked Jodene. "Uh... sure, why not?" Sparks replied. "Well... I guess the one thing on my chest is... ever since last week, I've been feeling this strange sensation in my chest whenever Amy is around, and I don't know what it is. I've been meaning to ask Dr. Virjay, but he just keeps giving me medication for heartburn. It hasn't done anything for me, though. Maybe I need to up the dosage or have him give me something different," Sparks said.

Daria and Amy both widened their eyes. Amy was blushing, and her heart was pounding, while Daria was just shocked that Sparks was capable of having feelings for other people at all. "Um... maybe you should speak to Amy about that privately. By the way, which Amy? There are at least ten other women in this section of Sealab with that name," O'Neill said. "Oh, Barksdale," Sparks said.

"Right, well... speak with her privately, and I'm sure that she'll be able to help you," O'Neill said. "Now, anything else you'd like to share?" O'Neill asked him. "Uh... yeah. Captain Murphy... I find it tiresome to have to delete security footage of you wetting your bed every other night. I think you need to learn how to control your bladder," Sparks said.

"Oh, I knew I was forgetting something!" Murphy exclaimed. Wait, thought Daria, Sparks doesn't take care of security footage. That's under Commander Li's jurisdiction. and besides, I know for a fact that he pays the orphans to pee on Captain Murphy's bed when he's sleeping.

"Wait," Dr. Quinn said, "I know for a fact that you're paying the orphans to pee on Captain Murphy's bed when he's asleep!" "What!?" Murphy exclaimed. "Sparks, I'll kill you!" Murphy exclaimed as he jumped up and ran over to Sparks, attacking him. Amy leapt out of her seat and ran over to stop him. "Get off of him!" she cried. Dr. Quinn and Debbie Dupree soon joined the fray. Commander DeMartino and Daria simply stayed in their seats and watched, while O'Neill broke down crying.

Janet patted O'Neill on the back. "It's okay, Skinny. These things happen. What did you expect from a bunch of men anyway?" "I-I thought... I thought I could help them!" O'Neill blabbered. "You can't help them," she said. "But-But I-" "Forget it, Skinny, it's Sealab," Barch said to him just as a chair flew into the air.

Hesh soon joined the fray, while Upchuck quietly made his way out of the room, ushering for DeMartino and Daria to follow him. Daria shook her head. "No. I'm going to stay and watch the carnage," she said. DeMartino and Upchuck nodded before leaving the room, while Hesh was busy being throttled by Debbie Love, and Tommy Sherman actually tried to break up the fight.

In the infirmary, Sparks, Amy, Murphy, Dr. Quinn, Debbie Dupree, Hesh, and Debbie Love were all sitting down with bandages, casts, and adhesive medical strips on their bodies. Tommy Sherman had only one adhesive strip on his cheek. Dr. Virjay looked over everyone. "I simply cannot believe that a group of adults such as yourselves could get involved in a fight like this," Dr. Virjay said.

"Sparks started it," Murphy said. "Did not. You started it when you tried to kill me," Sparks retorted. "Enough, both of you!" Amy scolded them. Just then, Commander DeMartino entered the room. "Lieutenant Sherman... you did a good job of... incapacitating them," DeMartino said. "Thank you, Sir," Sherman said.

"So... what are we going to do with all of you?" "Um..." Amy started to speak, "Wait... Hesh, who's running the reactor room right now?" "Mmrgo," Hesh replied through his bandaged mouth. "Okay. As long as it isn't Stormy," Amy said.

"Um, Aunt Amy," Daria said as she entered the room, "I think... would you like to hang out with me and Quinn tomorrow? Just the three of us?" Daria asked her. Amy nodded her head. "Sure. It'll give me some time to think about some things," she said with a warm smile. "Okay. I'll let Quinn know," Daria said as she turned around and left the room. "And you, Jodene; I need to speak with you later tonight.," Amy said with a pointed look. "Yes, Ma'am," Sparks replied.

Dr. Virjay shook his head. "I am surrounded by complete morons and sociopathic degenerates," he lamented. "Tell me about it," DeMartino said. "Say, what happened to Lieutenant Commander Barch and Mister O'Neill?" Virjay asked DeMartino. "Oh, Janet took Timothy back to her quarters to cheer him up. I'm pretty sure that they won't be leaving her quarters until tomorrow," DeMartino said.

"Hmm... yes, she seems quite fond of him. Well, I'm going to get some ointments and spare bandages for the patients. And then... I'm going to give all of you the worst punishment I can think of," Virjay said. "And that would be..." Dr. Quinn asked, trailing off. "Do you know what the Spanish word for 'hands' is?" Virjay asked them.

"I think so," Debbie Dupree said. "Good, because there's a movie from the nineteen sixties with that word for its title, and all of you are going to watch it together. I'll have the doors locked from the outside, so that only Commander DeMartino and Commander Li can get you out," Virjay said.

"Huh, where'd you get that idea?" DeMartino asked Virjay as they walked away from the others. "Oh, Lieutenant Morgendorffer and her friends invited me to a bad movie marathon they were having the other week. There, I discovered something that those six will only be able to survive if they all learn to get along," Virjay said with a smirk before the two of them left the room.

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 020 [2-06]: Le Wrath Di Bizarro

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct

If you're gonna' stand on my neck

Then you'd better check under the sea

Cause that is where you'll find me

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water

Sealab!

At the bottom of the Sea!

Date: Tuesday, December 10th, 2021

Daria and Jane slowly made their way to the bridge after school. "So, I've just been thinking about it, and I was hoping to maybe join White Debbie and paint some of the dolphins or something," Jane said. "You know, an image of them jumping out of the water, or swimming around... it could be really neat. Maybe give them some toys to play with," she added.

"Well, first, you'd have to ask Lieutenant Commander Dupree herself, and then you'd have to promise that your art supplies won't somehow get into the water with the dolphins," Daria said. "Well, yeah, but I'd make sure to stay back a few meters, and bring some water-proof coverings for my stuff," Jane replied.

"Bring Tom with you; see if the dolphins will play with him or something," Daria said as they turned a corner. "Well... would you be willing to join us?" Jane asked her. "It depends on the date and time," Daria said.

Captain Murphy looked at the strange glowing swirling circle in the broom closet. "Huh... I thought we had that thing fixed," he said, before reaching up and replacing a dead light bulb above the swirling thing. "There we go," he said. He took a glance down at the glowing swirling vortex and shrugged his shoulders before leaving the closet, forgetting to close the door.

After he left, a pair of black boots stepped out of the portal, followed by another pair, and another, and another...

Amy Barksdale walked down corridor 01-AA-03. She knelt down and looked at the circuit panel of a malfunctioning door. She got out her tool box and opened up the panel, stopping after hearing a strange noise. "Bok," she heard faintly in the distance.

She raised her head and looked around the corridor, seeing only a handful of maintenance staff walking around. "Hmm," she mused before returning her attention to the circuit panel and fixing the door.

Captain Murphy walked onto the bridge. "Hey, Sparks, you know that broom closet in Section Three? Well, I got the light bulb fixed in it," Murphy said proudly. "Uh-huh. Did you remember to keep the flashlight aimed at the socket this time?" Sparks asked him as Daria and Jane entered the bridge from the other door.

"Didn't have to. There was a glowing blue swirly thing in there to give me light while I changed the bulb," Murphy said. "Yeah, so-wait, what?" Sparks asked him. Daria and Jane both raised their eyebrows.

"Yeah, there was this blue swirling thing in there that was glowing and gave me enough light to see while I changed the bulb," Murphy explained. "I did it all by myself, too," he said with his arms crossed. "Blue swirly thing? Um, do you think that maybe you should've told Dr. Quinn or somebody about it?" Jane asked him.

"Uh, no. Why?" Murphy asked.

"Hey, Babe, it's Daria!" Kevin Thompson said to Brittany Taylor as they walked through the hall while heading for the commissary. "Hey, Daria. Um, what's up with the outfit?" Brittany asked the girl. The girl who resembled Daria had blue hair and a green scanner over her eyes. A girl who resembled Jane stood next to her, with a visor over her eyes and black and yellow striped hair.

"Why, what ever do you mean?" 'Daria' asked with a smirk. "Hey, what's that thing over your eye?" Kevin asked her. "It's my Intelligence Scanner," she said. Kevin's intelligence had a reading of only 0020.00 on her scale, while Brittany had a reading of 0083.00 on the intelligence scale.

"Cool, what does it do?" Kevin asked her. "It determines the levels of a person's intelligence," she replied. "Really? What's my level?" he asked. "Zero-Zero-Twenty-Point-Zero-Zero," she said. "So is that, like, good?" Kevin asked. "I don't know, does it feel nice to have a needle shoved into your eyes?" she asked him.

"Um... no?" Kevin replied. "Hey, Kevvy, look! It's... people who look like us!" Brittany said as a Brittany with black hair in a ponytail and one cybernetic eye approached them, followed by a Kevin with no shoulder pads and bright green hair.

"I am Bizarro Kevin," said Bizarro Kevin. "Cool! I'm regular Kevin," Kevin said. "Shut up, morons!" Bizarro Daria snapped at them. "It's like the Stormies all over again," Bizarro Daria said. "Hey, Bizarro Daria, can I draw on their faces?" Bizarro Jane asked her. "Not yet. We must determine if they know the location of the Destructo Beam! Afterwards... you can do that drawing thing," Bizarro Daria said.

Behind her, she heard a gasp. She turned around and saw Commander DeMartino staring at her. "No. God no!" DeMartino shouted. "How the HELL did you get BACK HERE!?" he cried out. "Silence, cretin! Where is the Destructo Beam!?" Bizarro Daria snapped. DeMartino simply ran away as fast as he could.

"Whoa! I've never seen him run like that," Kevin said. "Bizarro Kevin, please keep this one silent," Bizarro Daria said. "I am Bizarro Kevin!" Bizarro Kevin said. "I'm the QB!" Kevin replied as Bizarro Kevin gave him some gum. "What are you doing?" Bizarro Daria asked him with an eyebrow raised. "If he chews on the gum, then he will not talk," Bizarro Kevin replied.

"Yes... but I was hoping you would incapacitate him," she said. "Hey, should we contact Buttholomew and Bizarro Quinn?" Bizarro Brittany asked. "Um... what's going on here?" Brittany asked nervously. The three female Bizarro's looked at her with smirks.

"So, you have no idea what it is or how it got there, and yet you decided to simply say nothing about it, even though it could potentially kill everyone?" Sparks asked Captain Murphy. "Well, when you put it that way... yes, but not intentionally," he replied.

Just then, the door opened to reveal Bizarro Quinn, who was drinking a soda. She looked around the room before turning around and leaving. "Um... was that Quinn?" Jane asked nervously. "Yes and no," Daria replied. "Hey... that outfit of hers looked familiar," Captain Murphy said.

"Yeah, it was all black and she had that thing on her face and her hair was weird and... that was BIZARRO QUINN!" Sparks exclaimed. "That swirling blue thing! Captain, that was a dimensional portal of some kind!" Jane exclaimed in realization. "Oh. I thought it was just some kind of ambient circular lava lamp, actually," Murphy said.

Jane, Daria, and Sparks stared at Captain Murphy. "Captain, you do realize that the Bizarro's, the people who tied us up to chairs and nearly drove all of us insane and tried to kills us, are back in the station, right? Do you realize that at all?" Daria asked him. "Um... no, not really. I thought Female Quinn was just going for a new look when she came in here, and got nervous and ran away. If she spills that soda, though, I'll make sure that she cleans it up," Murphy said.

Sparks shook his head and turned around. He called up Dr. Quinn. "Hey, Sparks, what's going on?" Dr. Quinn asked nonchalantly. "The Bizarro's are back," Sparks said. "Say what!?" Dr. Quinn asked him. "They're back. Captain Murphy found a dimensional portal in a broom closet and decided to ignore it. We don't know how long they've been running around now," Sparks explained.

"Dammit Captain!" Dr. Quinn shouted over the speakers. "What? We were able to hypnotize them the last time they were here. I'm sure we can do it again," Murphy said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Captain, they hypnotized themselves... by accident!" Jane retorted with a frown. "Oh. Oh yeah. They did, didn't they?" Murphy said as he scratched his chin.

"Quinn, should we really do this out here?" Stacey Rowe asked Quinn Morgendorffer as they retreated into an alcove. "What if we get caught?" Stacey asked. "Oh, don't worry," Quinn said with a devilish smile. "No one comes through here," she said before she planted her lips on Stacey's. Neither of them noticed the footsteps coming through the hallway.

"Whoa!" exclaimed Buttholomew at the sight of the two girls making out. "Hot! I must record this!" he said. "Uh, hey, do I either of you have, like, a camera so that I can record you making out and stuff?" Buttholomew asked them. Quinn paled at seeing his face. "Oh my god, how did you get back into Sealab!?" she shrieked.

"So... you don't have a camera, do you?" Buttholomew asked as Quinn and Stacey ran away from him. "So... I take it they don't have a camera," he said to himself quietly.

Amy Barksdale tested the door to make sure that it was working properly before she packed up her tools and set off for her next assignment. She stopped over at a communications console on the wall. "Hey, Marco," Amy said as she dialed the Engineering section, "I've just finished the door in corridor 01-AA-03."

"Barksdale? Hey, listen, I just heard from Sparks that those Bizarro guys ae back! There's some kind of dimension portal thing in a broom closet, and those creeps managed to get into Sealab. Make your way over to Engineering to meet up with me or make your way over to the Bridge. And watch your back," Marco said.

"Affirmative," Amy said before hanging up. "Bok! Bok! Bizarro, bizarro!" Amy turned around to see Bizarro Quentin hopping towards her. "Eek!" she cried as he hopped around her, before she remembered that he was, despite his eccentricity, mostly harmless. "Hey, Bizarro Quentin, go take a nap or something," Amy said. "Okay! Bizarro okay! Bizarro!" he squawked before closing his eyes and falling asleep.

"That was easier than I expected," Amy muttered before she ran to a service elevator. She pressed the button for the next level and waited as the lift took her up.

Inside Sealab's main security center for Pods 01-18, Commander Angela Li stared at Bizarro Daria in terror as the blue-haired girl held her Bennelli Super-90 in her hands. "It was so kind of you to hand this over, Commander Li," Bizarro Daria said. "How did you get back into Sealab!?" Commander Li demanded. "Be quiet!" Bizarro Daria snapped as she smacked the butt of the gun into Commander Li's stomach, knocking the wind out of her.

"I am in charge now. Not Bizarro Murphy, not Bizarro Shanks, and not Bizarro Mother, but ME!" Bizarro Daria declared. "Now, to find my counterpart. No one calls me stupid and gets away with it. No one," she said with a frown. "Hey, is this the Destructo Beam?" Bizarro Kevin asked as he held up a PEZ dispenser.

"No, you moron. That's a freakin' PEZ dispenser!" Bizarro Daria shouted at him. "Hey," Bizarro Marco said, "I think I found something really cool!" He left the room before walking back in with a power drill. "Do you even know what the Destructo Beam actually looks like!?" Bizarro Daria asked him in anger.

"Sure, but this thing here is pretty cool too!" Bizarro Marco replied. Bizarro Daria growled at him. "It's a power drill! We have plenty of them back home!" Bizarro Daria exclaimed. "You need to relax, Bizarro Sister," Buttholomew said as he entered the security center. He could see that most of the personnel had been incapacitated. Many of them were tied up to chairs and tables.

The only one who wasn't incapacitated was Tommy Sherman, and he was sitting at a table drinking with Bizarro Sherman. Both Shermans were busy trying to see who could drink the most before passing out.

"Don't tell me to relax!" Bizarro Daria hissed at him. "I already did," Buttholomew replied with a chuckle. One of Bizarro Daria's eyes twitched. "Status report," she demanded. "The Quinn and Stacey of this dimension are hot," Buttholomew stated. "Yes, I'm sure they are. But I meant the status of your search for the Destructo Beam and this universe's Daria," Bizarro Daria replied flatly.

"Um... I couldn't find either of them," Buttholomew said. "Did you try checking the bridge?" Bizarro Brittany asked him. "That was where we attacked them last time. They know that we're here, so why would anyone stay there this time?" Buttholomew asked in response. "Because it is the last place they would expect us to look," Bizarro Daria said.

"Um, Bizarro Sister, I must inquire as to you obsession with this dimension's Daria. I thought that we were searching for the Destructo Beam," Buttholomew said. "Yeah, why are you so concerned with her?" Bizarro DeMartino asked as he walked away from two security officers he had beaten up.

"She tasks me," Bizarro Daria said while clenching one of her gloved fists. "She tasks me, and I shall have her." "Eh, okay," Buttholomew said in response. "So... where's Bizarro Murphy?" Commander Li asked as she recovered from Bizarro Daria's attack. Bizarro Daria looked back over at Commander Li. "He's around," she said with a smirk.

"I want my slaw!" Bizarro Murphy said to the waiter at Grizzlebee's.

"You have your slaw, sir," the waiter said.

"I want my slaw!"

"You have your slaw sir!"

"I want my slaw!"

"You have your slaw, sir!"

"What seems to be the problem here?" the manager asked as she came over to the table where Bizarro Murphy, Bizarro Upchuck, Bizarro Debbie, and Bizarro Amy were sitting. "I want my slaw!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed. "But you have your slaw," Bizarro Upchuck pointed out to him. "See? Even your companions can tell you that you have it," the waiter said.

The manager looked down at Bizarro Murphy's plate. There was, indeed, a small bowl of coleslaw on the table. "Sir, you have your slaw," the manager said. "Where!?" Bizarro Murphy demanded. "Look down at the table," the manager said. Bizarro Murphy looked down and saw the bowl of slaw. "Oh. Thank you for the slaw," Bizarro Murphy said.

"I hate my life," the waiter whispered to himself.

"Okay, do we know where the Bizarro's are located?" Daria asked as she looked at a map of Sealab on a big TV screen on the wall. "They seem to be all over the place this time," Commander DeMartino said. "Are they the same ones that we encountered before?" Jane asked him. "Well, there's Bizarro Quinn, Bizarro Jane, and Bizarro Daria," Sparks said. "And probably Bizarro Marco and Bizarro DeMartino. There haven't been any signs of Bizarro Murphy, though, have there?" Daria asked.

"Um... I saw a Bizarro Kevin and a Bizarro Brittany," DeMartino said. "Great. New Bizarro's," Jane muttered. "Well-" "Hey! This is Lieutenant Junior Grade Ruttheimer, reporting from Engineering! We've got strange dopplegangers running around here! Hesh, don't him touch that!"

Everyone looked at a screen to see Bizarro Hesh licking various controls around the room, while Bizarro Jane was drawing on Hesh's face with marker. "My eyes! My eyes!" Hesh screamed as Bizarro Jane drew on his face. "Well, at least something good came out of this," Daria muttered under her breath.

"Ensign Lane, stop her!" Upchuck shouted at Trent. "Uh... hey! Stop, um, doing that!" Trent said with a small amount of force. Upchuck looked back at the camera. "We need help over here! Where the hell is Marco!?" Upchuck screamed before he saw Bizarro Quinn enter the room. "Wazzup, bitches!?" Bizarro Quinn exclaimed happily.

"Oh dear god, why!?" Upchuck cried out as Bizarro Quinn tackled him. The video feed switched back to the previous setting. Just then, Stacey and Quinn burst into the Bridge, falling over each other. "B-B-Bizarro's!" Quinn exclaimed. "Yeah, what she said!" Stacey added.

"Lieutenant Barksdale!" Marco shouted as he ran towards her. "Marco! Marco, the Bizarro's are back. Have you seen any of them?" Amy asked him. "Only one. It looked like a Bizarro version of Dolphin Boy," Marco said. "Oh my," Amy said with revulsion. "Yeah, but don't worry, I shot him out of an airlock," Marco said reassuringly. "Oh. That's good," Amy said with relief.

"Well, that's one down and... how many to go?" Amy asked him. "Uh... I really don't know," Marco replied thoughtfully. "Well, how many were there last time?" Amy asked as they walked down the corridor. "Um, I can't remember the exact number, but I do remember Bizarro Sparks being killed, along with Bizarro Stormy, although considering that his head ended up walking away with the others, I don't know if that really counts," Marco said.

"Hmm, good point," Amy said. "Well, aside from those two, and the Dolphin Boy, there was Bizarro Daria, Bizarro Jane, Bizarro Butthead, Bizarro Murphy, Bizarro Quinn, Bizarro Debbie, Bizarro Quentin, who I ran into earlier, Bizarro Li, Bizarro DeMartino, Bizarro Marco, Bizarro Amy, and I think that was all of them last time," Amy said.

"Well, that still leaves about eleven left," Marco said. After they entered a large hallway, they heard a clanging noise. They looked over at a shadow on the wall, watching as a figure soon appeared. It had multiple mechanical legs, and two mechanical arms. It had one red cybernetic eye and bright red hair. It was Bizarro Shanks.

"Hey there, fellers!" her called out as he flexed the large pincer claws on his one mechanical hand menacingly. "Who wants to have a good time with Bizarro Shanks!? Yee-haw!" he shouted. Behind him were two more Bizarro's: Bizarro Barch and Bizarro O'Neill. "Come quietly or there will be trouble!" Bizarro O'Neill said menacingly.

Bizarro O'Neill had white hair and a scar on his right cheek, along with a cybernetic left eye, while Bizarro Barch simply had green hair and a visor over her eyes, much like Bizarro Jane, along with a cybernetic right leg. "Come with us, cretins!" Bizarro Barch shouted. "Yes! Give us the Destructo Beam!" Bizarro Shanks demanded.

"They're still after that damn thing!?" Amy asked incredulously. Bizarro Shanks stopped walking and simply pointed one of his arms forward. "Get them!" he ordered Bizarro O'Neill and Bizarro Barch. Marco looked down at the floor and saw two large metal pipes. He ran over and grabbed them, handing one to Amy. "Take this!" he said. "Thanks," Amy replied. "Come on, let's teach these dopplegangers a lesson in pain!"

"You know... I'm full," Bizarro Murphy said. "Good. Will you please leave now?" the manager asked them. The group had devoured five courses of food and had scared most of the other patrons away. "Yeah, yeah. We need to get going anyway," Bizarro Upchuck said.

"Weren't we supposed to be looking for something?" Bizarro Debbie asked. "Um... maybe," Bizarro Amy said thoughtfully. "Uh... some kind of diamond or a laser or something?" Bizarro Upchuck suggested. "The Destructo Beam!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed. The manager simply walked away and watched as the group got up and left.

"The Destructo Beam is the most powerful destructive weapon ever wrought by man!" Bizarro Murphy continued. "Yes, yes it is," the others said in agreement. "Say, where's Bizarro Daria? I... can't remember what she was doing," Bizarro Murphy asked. "I think you sent her to the security center of the station," Bizarro Upchuck said.

"Ah yes, but their security will soon be insecure after we have penetrated their impenetrable defenseless defenses!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed. "Say, what happened to Bizarro Mack and Bizarro Jodie?" Bizarro Debbie asked. "Who knows?" Bizarro Murphy replied. "I think they're with Bizarro Stacey," Bizarro Upchuck said.

"Shiiiiiiiiny," Bizarro Mack said as he stared at a metal hand rail. Bizarro Jodie was busy drooling over a picture of a cheeseburger posted on the wall. "Dammit! I can't report back to Bizarro Daria empty-handed!" Bizarro Stacey exclaimed in a panicked tone. "She might kill me, like she did Bizarro Sandi!" "Fooooooooooooooooood," Bizarro Jodie said as she licked the poster. "Bizarro Tiffany, have you found anything?" Bizarro Stacey asked her.

"Nothing! Ihavefoundnothing!" Bizarro Tiffany said quickly. "Thereisnothingherethat... resemblestheDestructoBeam!" she added. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!" Bizarro Stacey exclaimed in frustration. "Maybe... weshouldcheckanotherlocation," Bizarro Tiffany suggested.

"Good idea! We'll check another location," Bizarro Stacey said. "Bizarro Jodie and Bizarro Mack, we are leaving this area!" she said. "Shiiiny," Bizaroo Mack said slowly. Bizarro Stacey frowned at them. Bizarro Stacey had bright orange hair, which was in a bob-cut, while Bizarro Tiffany had bright purple hair that was braided into a ponytail. They both had Intelligence Scanners over their eyes.

Bizarro Jodie had lime green hair, which was uncombed and fell to her shoulders, while Bizarro Mack had an eighties metal band hair, along with a mullet. His hair was bright pink. "Food be where will there?" Bizarro Jodie asked them as she slowly turned around. "I don't know yet," Bizarro Stacey replied. "If food I eat don't soon, will starve I," Bizarro Jodie said.

Daria walked over to a microphone and checked the settings on the terminal. She grinned. "Attention all residents of Sealab!" she spoke into the microphone. "This is Bizarro Daria, and I am searching for the Destructo Beam. The Destructo Beam is the most destructive weapon ever wrought by man! Give it to us before midnight or we will start killing our hostages in the security center. Also, bring me the one called Daria Morgendorffer! Bring her to me, and I may extend the deadline by an extra three or four hours," she said with a malicious grin.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding," Daria said as she listened to Bizarro Daria's voice over the station's speakers and intercom. "What the hell does she want with you?" Jane asked her friend. "I have no idea, unless she remembers me calling her a stupid bitch," Daria said.

"The lives of all your comrades are in our hands, cretins! Surrender to us and hand over the Destructo Beam! And Daria, if you can hear me, bring yourself to me willingly, or I will send an escort to find you in one hour," Bizarro Daria said over the speakers.

"Hey, Jane, Commander DeMartino?" Daria asked. "Yes, Lieutenant Morgendorffer?" Commander DeMartino asked her. "Please watch my sister and Aunt Amy for me," Daria said as she prepared to head out and meet Bizarro Daria. "Wait! You cannot POSSIBLY be thinking of GOING ALONE!?" Commander DeMartino asked her.

"Well... I kind of was," Daria replied. "Are you crazy? Daria, she didn't say that you had to go alone, so we're coming with you," Jane said. "No. Don't put yourselves in danger for my sake, I don't want-" she was interrupted when the door opened to reveal Bizarro Tom and Bizarro Elsie. "I told you they would be here," Bizarro Elsie said. Her voice was completely normal, and she had Navy Blue hair, while Bizarro Tom was a floating head in a jar, much like Bizarro Sparks.

"Um... Jane? Do you think that this is somehow symbolic?" Daria asked her as she thought about Bizarro Tom's appearance and how it reminded her of Bizarro Sparks. "What do you mean?" Jane asked her. "Well, Bizarro Sparks was also a head in a flying jar, and regular Sparks is in a relationship with Aunt Amy. Bizarro Tom here is a head in a jar, and regular Tom is in a relationship with both you and me," Daria said.

"You know, I'm pretty sure it's just a coincidence. You're overthinking things," Jane said reassuringly. "Come with us, quietly, or suffer the wrath of Bizarro Elsie!" Bizarro Tom said with a cackle. "But we don't wanna go with you," Jane said nonchalantly. "Oh. Okay... wait, that's too bad!" Bizarro Elsie said.

She marched over and grabbed Daria by the arms. "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" Bizarro Elsie said. "I don't think so!" shouted a voice from behind Bizarro Tom and Bizarro Elsie. "Brittany!?" Jane asked as she saw the blonde girl holding a flamethrower. Elsie and Tom were right behind her. "Get away from her, you bitch!" Elsie shouted as Brittany stepped forward.

Bizarro Elsie let go of Daria and held her hands up in surrender as soon as she saw the flamethrower. "You win!" she said with a high-pitched shriek. "Hmm... yeah, I guess I surrender as well," Bizarro Tom said. "Smart idea," Tom said to Bizarro Tom. "I like being alive," Bizarro Tom said. "Me too," Tom said in agreement with his Bizarro counterpart.

"So... you guys wouldn't happen to know where the Destructo Beam is located, would you?" Bizarro Tom asked them nervously. Daria groaned in annoyance. "How many times do we have to tell you morons? WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. ONE. OF. THOSE!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed from behind the group.

"Dr. Quinn!" Jane exclaimed. "Yes, that's me. Now, I believe that we have a situation to deal with, involving Bizarro Daria and her raging insanity," Dr. Quinn said. "Wait, if you guys don't have a Destructo Beam, then why did Bizarro Daria lead us here?" Bizarro Elsie asked out loud.

"How should I know? She's completely fucking insane," Dr. Quinn said. "Yeah... she does have a bit of a vindictive side to her," Bizarro Tom said. "I used to have a torso, and limbs, and other body parts, but then she got jealous of me because I was with Bizarro Jane too much for her liking, so he had those removed," Bizarro Tom said.

"What? You were attacked by a shark and had to have your head placed in that jar," Bizarro Elsie said. "I saw it happen," she added. "Yeah, but Bizarro Daria used that attack as an excuse to have my head removed from my body," Bizarro Tim explained.

"The wounds from the shark weren't quite as bad as she had made them out to be, and Bizarro Davidson was only too eager to perform the operation, along with Bizarro Virjay and Bizarro Daria herself," Bizarro Tom finished. "Mmm... no, I'm still pretty sure that it was just Bizarro Virjay being too incompetent to save the rest of your body," Bizarro Elsie said, unconvinced. "Don't forget what he did to Bizarro Shanks," she added.

"Take that!" Amy shouted as she brought the metal pipe down onto Bizarro Shanks' head again. "And... that. Take-take... this, and... that," she said tiredly as she swung again and again, not noticing that Bizarro Shanks was already destroyed. Amy's uniform was in tatters, and she had a few cuts and bruises marking her body from the fight against the three Bizarro's. Marco was currently still clubbing the dead Bizarro O'Neill.

CLANG! "That's for your stupid voice!" he said. CLANG! "That's for looking funny!" CLANG! "That's because I like swinging this pipe!" CLANG! "That's for all the people who share your last name!" CLANG! "That's just because I feel like it!" CLANG! "That's for... um, I don't know, but I'll think of something!"

"Marco," Amy said, exhausted, "I think you can stop now." Marco brought the pipe down one final time and looked around at the dead Bizarro's. "Wow. I think we may have gone a bit overboard," Marco said. "We did get Bizarro Barch, right?" Marco asked Amy. "Yeah, that's her arm right over there, and that's her leg over there," Amy said.

"Huh... I don't remember ripping those off of her," Marco said. "You didn't. I did," Amy said. "Oh. Good job. You're pretty ruthless," Marco said. "Well, when someone is trying to tear your throat out with their bare hands, you kind of have to be," Amy replied.

"Say, were you able to make out what was being said during that announcement earlier?" Marco asked her. "Sorry, I was too busy fighting Bizarro Barch," Amy replied. "Damn, because I couldn't make out half of what was being said while fighting the Bizarro's either," Marco replied.

"Hey, why don't we make our way to the security center. We can probably find out what's going on there," Marco suggested. "Good idea," Amy said.

"Then keep searching!" Bizarro Daria snapped at Bizarro Stacey over the communication console. "Y-Yes, Bizarro Daria!" Bizarro Stacey said with panic, before she hung up. "Idiots," Bizarro Daria muttered as she walked back over to look at her hostages.

"Bizarro Sherman!" she shouted. "Yes?" Bizarro Sherman replied as he walked over to her. Bizarro Sherman had black hair and a cybernetic right arm. He otherwise looked exactly like his regular counterpart, aside from his uniform. "Do... something productive," Bizarro Daria ordered him. "Uh... like what?" he asked her. "I don't know; anything that isn't just sitting around on your ass!" she exclaimed.

"Don't you mean, Bizarro ass?" Bizarro Sherman asked in response. "Just shut up and... go count the number of tiles on the floor or something," Bizarro Daria said in frustration. She looked over at Buttholomew, who as eating a bag of nachos while looking at the security monitors. "Buttholomew! Get up and do something!" she snapped at him. "Uh... I'm watching the security monitors. It's actually pretty important," he replied. She heard the sound of a door opening and looked over to see Bizarro Murphy, Bizarro Upchuck, Bizarro Amy, and Bizarro Debbie entering the security center.

"Okay, cretins! Hand over the Destructo Beam!" Bizarro Murphy demanded. "They're already tied up," Bizarro Daria said to him in thinly veiled disgust at his obliviousness. He looked down at the tied up hostages. "Hmm, so they are. In that case... give us the diamonds!" he demanded.

"What diamonds?" Bizarro Daria asked him. "You know! The diamonds for the... for the, uh, for the, um... the diamonds!" Bizarro Daria raised an eyebrow. "Okay, why don't you go find Daria and see if she has any diamonds. I heard that she might be hiding them somewhere, and if you bring her to me, then we can find them together," Bizarro Daria suggested.

"Of course!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed before he turned around, accompanied by his entourage. "Wait, Bizarro Mother!" Bizarro Daria called out to Bizarro Amy. Bizarro Amy walked over to her. "I... I am doing a good job of progressing the search for the Destructo Beam, am I not?" she asked her. "Of course! Taking control of the station like this can only ensure that the residents of Sealab will cooperate with us," Bizarro Amy replied with a smirk.

Bizarro Daria nodded her head. "Thank you, Bizarro Mother!" she said with tears of joy in her eyes. "You are most welcome!" Bizarro Amy said before she hugged Bizarro Daria, who then hugged her back. "Now, I must make sure that Bizarro Murphy does not mistake Daria for someone else, or we may never catch her and find out what she knows," Bizarro Amy said as she turned around and chased after Bizarro Murphy.

"Fooood?" Bizarro Jodie asked. "No. We don't have any food for you," Dr. Quinn said as the group tried to maneuver past the four Bizarro's they had just encountered on their way to the security center. "Ooooooooooooh," Bizarro Jodie said. "Durrrrrrrrr," Bizarro Mack said as he drooled.

"Okay, what the hell is up with these Bizarro's?" Jane asked. "I mean, why are they such morons? I know that the others are dumb, but these guys make our Kevin look like a genius... or at least a C average student.

"WhereistheDestructoBeam!?" Bizarro Tiffany shrieked at them. "Huh?" Stacey asked her in confusion. "Yeah, I didn't get half of that either," Daria said. "WhereistheDestructoBeam... Cretins!?" Bizarro Tiffany said as she pulled out a laser pistol. "Oh crap!" Tom exclaimed as Tiffany aimed the laser pistol at them. "Tell me! Tell me! Whereisit!? Tellmenow! Tellmenow!" she said with a manic tone.

"We do not know. We lost it some time ago. We had opened a portal to your dimension when we had it, and then we lost it in there. The Destructo Beam is back in your own dimension," Elsie lied. Bizarro Stacey blinked. "R-Really?" she asked timidly. "Yes," Daria said flatly. "It's been in your dimension the whole time, now go back home and stay there," she added.

"Oh my gosh, yes! I get to go back home! I get to go home!" Bizarro Stacey cried out in happiness, falling for Elsie's lie. "Yes, now... let's find Bizarro Daria and tell her about it!" Bizarro Tiffany suggested slowly. "Good idea! Come on, guys! We can all tell her together!"

"Bizarro Murphy... that's not Daria. That's a mop," Bizarro Upchuck said. The group had stopped less than a few meters away from the entrance to the security center, before Bizarro Murphy had found and started interrogating a mop and a wet floor sign. "That's what she wants us to think!" he exclaimed.

"Now, Daria! Where is the Destructo Beam!? Still not talking? Alright then, at least give me the diamonds," Bizarro Murphy said. The mop did not respond. "Very resistant, isn't she?" Bizarro Murphy asked the others.

Only Bizarro Upchuck noticed the large group of people advancing towards them, and that Daria was among the group. "Um, Bizarro Murphy, look over-" "Not now! I think I'm breaking through to her!" Bizarro Murphy said as he slapped the mop. Bizarro Upchuck watched as Bizarro Daria stepped out of the security center and aimed a laser pistol at Bizarro Murphy. She fired and destroyed the mop.

"Dammit! How are we gonna find the diamonds now!?" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed as he turned around to shout at Bizarro Daria. "That wasn't Daria, you moron!" Bizarro Daria shouted at him. "That," she said, pointing at the group with regular Daria, "Is Daria!" Bizarro Murphy looked over at Daria. "Hey... that girl looks familiar," he said while scratching his chin.

"Bizarro Daria! Guess what! We know where the Destructo Beam is located!" Bizarro Stacey exclaimed with glee. "Really? That's great!" Bizarro Daria exclaimed happily as she hugged Bizarro Stacey. "So, where is it?" Bizarro Daria asked Bizarro Stacey.

"It's back home! They took it there once and forgot it! It was back home the whole time!" Bizarro Stacey said. Bizarro Daria's eyes widened. "The-the whole time? Oh my god! I... I'm such a fool! I was so stupid! It was back home the whole time! Bizarro Mother! I... I'm a failure!" Bizarro Daria cried.

Bizarro Amy walked over and pulled her daughter into a hug. "There, there. It's okay. We all make mistakes. And besides, it was Bizarro Murphy who insisted that we come back here in the first place," Bizarro Amy said to her daughter. "Can... can we go back home now?" Bizarro Daria asked her mother. "Of course. As soon as the others join us," Bizarro Amy said.

"Um... wow, I was kind of expecting an epic duel or something between you guys," Jane said as she looked at Bizarro Daria. "Jane, don't jinx this," Daria said to her. "Hey, I have a suggestion," Commander DeMartino said. "How about we use the intercom system to let all of the other Bizarro's know about the true location of the Destructo Beam and remind them of where that portal back home is located?"

"Hmm... what about the diamonds?" Bizarro Murphy asked him. "What diamonds?" DeMartino replied. "Never mind," Bizarro Murphy said with a sigh. "Okay then, how about we do that intercom thing?" Jane suggested.

The Bizarro's all started speaking out in agreement. "Sounds good to me." "Yeah." "Sure." "Food to like eat I." "We get to go home!" "I am Bizarro Kevin." "I'm confused."

Later on, back on the bridge...

"So, you're sure that the portal is completely closed?" Daria asked Dr. Quinn. "Absolutely, and I made double sure to have a maintenance and security team sweep through every location throughout the station," he replied. Soon, Upchuck's face appeared on one of Sparks' monitors. "Hey, guys. One of the maintenance guys found a crate full of diamonds in one of our storage rooms," he said.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Sparks said. "Those aren't diamonds. They're Cubic Zirconium Tungstate. I was using that to make fake diamonds to sell to tourists," he explained. "Oh. Okay then," Upchuck said before hanging up.

Daria and Dr. Quinn both raised eyebrows, but otherwise ignored Sparks' comment. "So... we did make sure that all of the Bizarro's left, right?" Daria asked Dr. Quinn. "Yep. All of them. Even the three that Marco and Amy destroyed," Dr. Quinn said. "Good. I don't think I ever want to see the Bizarro's again," Daria said as Captain Shanks entered the bridge.

"Say, did anyone notice anything unusual earlier today? I could've swore that I was seeing double of everyone," Shanks said. "Why don't you take a seat, Captain? We have a long, sad, depressing tale for you," Daria said. "Is it funny?" Shanks asked her. "It depends on your perspective."

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 021 [2-07]: Dumb Encounters Of The Abyss-mal Kind

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

"When you stare into the abyss... you'd better not drop anything down there, 'cause you sure as hell ain't getting it back." ~ Unknown.

Opening Theme:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct

If you're gonna' stand on my neck

Then you'd better check under the sea

Cause that is where you'll find me

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water

Sealab!

At the bottom of the Sea!

Date: Friday, December 13th, 2021

"Say that again," Sparks requested over the microphone. "We're sending down some Navy Seals to investigate a missing submarine in the area. With tensions running high lately between China, Russia, and the members of the United Nations, we're just taking precautions," said the man on the screen.

He was a military general. "When the team arrives, I expect Sealab to give them full cooperation," the general said. That was when Captain Murphy and Dr. Quinn entered the bridge. "Hey, what's going on?" Murphy asked. "We're going to be helping some Navy Seals search for a missing submarine," Sparks said.

"Aw, I love seals. They're really cute and cuddly," Murphy said. "Not that kind of seal, Captain," Dr. Quinn said. "Oh, you mean the guys with guns. So, when are they arriving?" Murphy asked. "The team is already on its way. I hope there won't be any issues," the general said. "Uh, sure," Murphy said. "Very good. General Sterngraham out," the general said before closing the video feed.

"So, who wants to pelt them with fish when they arrive, as a joke?" Murphy asked his subordinates. "Eh, maybe. I'll flip a coin," Sparks said. "Count me out," Dr. Quinn said with a frown.

"Great, another group of people arriving in Sealab, wreaking who knows what kind of damage," Commander DeMartino said as he and Daria stood outside the airlock while waiting for it to decompress. "Um, why am I here?" Daria asked him. "I'm making sure they know that this station isn't theirs to do with as they please," DeMartino replied.

"Okay, how does my presence figure into that?" Daria asked. "Technically, you could be considered a civilian, so they'll be more mindful of their actions," DeMartino replied. "But I'm a member of the crew," Daria said. "Yes, but you also aren't insane, and Dr. Quinn doesn't want to be here to greet them with me, and Commander Li is busy with something," DeMartino said. "Yes, clearly, the presence of a teenage girl will be all that it takes to make grown men behave themselves," Daria snarked.

The airlock doors soon opened. The Navy Seals quickly entered Sealab. Six of them piled out of the sub, with the last one having a brown mustache and standing tall. "I am Lieutenant Amaretto. These are my men: Ensign Hazelnut, Ensign French Vanilla, Lieutenant Junior Grade French Roast, Ensign Decaf, and Ensign Cappuccino," he said.

"Right. So, when do you plan to begin your operation to find the submarine?" DeMartino asked them. "Shortly. First, we must assess the capabilities of Sealab and determine which vessels we can use in our search. Then we can find the sub," Amaretto said.

"By the way, I am Commander Anthony DeMartino and this is Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer," DeMartino said. "That's nice. Perhaps we should make our way to the bridge in order to find a proper mission control," Amaretto said. "Follow us," Daria said flatly.

On the bridge, the SEALs were being introduced to the rest of the main crew. "This is Lieutenant Barksdale, Commander Sparks, Lt. Commander Quentin Q. Quinn, Captain Murphy, Lt. Commander Debbie Dupree, Lieutenant Tommy Sherman, Commander Angela Li, Lieutenant Stormy Waters, and Lt. Commander Marco Marquez," DeMartino said.

"Hey, catch this!" Murphy said as he threw a fish at Amaretto. It bounced off of him and fell onto the floor. "Fish!" Amaretto shouted, before he pulled out his sidearm and shot it. The other SEALs followed his example, with the exception of Hazelnut. "What the hell was that for!?" Dr. Quinn asked after uncovering his ears.

"You saw it! That fish attacked me! It was dangerous!" Amaretto said. "Yeah! Fish are monsters!" Decaf said. "Um, we're under the ocean. Fish are pretty much everywhere," Daria said. "Oh my god! There's no hope for the crew of that sub now," French Roast said in horror and despair.

"Even if the crew didn't survive, we still need to ascertain the condition of the cargo, and find out what else they may have been carrying," Amaretto said suspiciously. "Wait, what was that last part?" Hazelnut asked. "It could be ruse, or a feint," Amaretto muttered under his breath.

"So... I guess we should get started on the operation," Commander Li said. "Tommy Sherman will help them prepare in one of the moon pools," Tommy Sherman said. "Wait, aren't you Tommy Sherman?" Hazelnut asked him. "Tommy Sherman is Tommy Sherman, yes. Why?" Tommy Sherman asked. "Uh... never mind," Hazelnut replied.

The SEALs quickly followed Sherman out of the bridge. "Well, I never thought I'd meet a group of professionals even more unstable than we are," Daria said flatly. "I don't know," Stormy said. "That fish did jump at him." "The fish was already dead!" Dr. Quinn said. "Maybe, but you can never be too sure!" Stormy said.

"Stormy, why don't you go help them?" DeMartino suggested. "Sure!" he said before he left the bridge. "Think he'll find the right moon pool?" Amy asked. "Who cares?" Dr. Quinn replied. "Point taken," Amy said.

"Now, this here is breathing liquid for deep sea dives," Hazelnut said as he showed Stormy a container of pink liquid. "Cool! What does it taste like?" he replied. "Water, pretty much. You put it in a suit and it can help you breathe longer underwater in environments where the pressure might be too much for an air tank to handle," Hazelnut said. "Really? Hmm, okay," Stormy said.

"Alright, when we find the sub, we make sure that no one knows we're there. It's the only way we can slip past their defenses," Amaretto said. "Um, what are you talking about?" French Vanilla asked him. "Then, after we incapacitate the guards, we find out where they're hiding the drugs!" Amaretto said.

"What drugs?" Hazelnut asked as he turned away from Stormy. "Those smugglers are history, you hear me? We can do this!" Amaretto said. "Sir, we're looking for a missing United States Navy submarine. What the hell are you talking about?" French Vanilla asked him. "He's talking about the American Dream!" Decaf said. "Preserving freedom by killing anyone who threatens it with their insidious drugs and free-thinking!" Decaf elaborated.

French Vanilla and Hazelnut exchanged a glance of incredulity between each other. "Um, Sir, did you make sure to get tested for High Pressure Nervous Syndrome after we stopped at the medical bay?" Hazelnut asked him. "Dude, he's always like this," Cappuccino said. "What!?" French Vanilla asked. "Yeah! He's always talking about killing drug lords and murdering commies and stuff," Cappuccino explained.

"How come we never noticed?" Hazelnut asked. "I don't know. You guys spend the least amount of time with him, so maybe that's why," Cappuccino suggested. "Um... Hazelnut," French Vanilla whispered as he walked over to him, "I think we may need to contact command and abort the mission. We can't do this with a lunatic at the helm."

"Right. But we can't let him know. We have to keep quiet until the moment is right," Hazelnut whispered back. He then stood up. "Lieutenant Amaretto! I have a MIGHTY NEED to use a toilet!" Hazelnut announced. "Go man, go!" Amaretto shouted at him. Hazelnut quickly ran out of the room.

"We'll save some commies for ya'!" Amaretto said before checking his weapons again. "Peace through superior firepower!" Decaf shouted. "Ooga chaka! Ooga Ooga! Ooga chaka!" "Tommy Sherman is confused."

"You mean this guy is completely and totally insane!?" Amy asked Hazelnut. "Yes! He's out of his fucking mind! And the others are fine with it, except French Vanilla," Hazelnut replied. "My god!" DeMartino said. "This submarine... it wouldn't happen to be a nuclear submarine, would it?" Sparks asked him.

"It is, why do... oh. Dear. God," Hazelnut said with horror. "If Amaretto gets his hands anywhere near the payload of that thing... we're fucked!" he exclaimed. "Quiet down, I'm trying to nap!" Captain Murphy said from the couch on the bridge. "But-" "Shut your damn mouth!" Murphy said. "Hey! Watch your mouth! There are minors present!" Hazelnut exclaimed.

"You said the "fuck" twice in front of me," Daria said. "Oh, did I? Sorry 'bout that," Hazelnut said. "I've heard far worse. But I don't like hypocrisy," Daria said. "Commander Li, we need to secure the SEALs. Can your forces do that?" Amy asked Angela. "Are you joking? These guys are Navy SEALs! My people aren't trained to fight SEALs! Unless we lock them in a med bay and have Dr. Virjay inject them with something to knock them out," Li said.

"Right, when military tactics won't work, rely on subterfuge," DeMartino said. "Indeed, now let's go find Dr. Virjay and Dr. Quinn."

"What the hell are you guys doing!?" Dr. Quinn shouted at the deranged Navy SEALs, who were painting skulls and stuff on the submersibles. "We're going to strike FEAR into the hearts of our enemies!" Amaretto exclaimed. "What enemies? You're searching for a United States submarine! People from your own country!" Dr. Quinn retorted.

"That's what those commie bastards want us to think!" Amaretto shouted with a crazed grin. "You tell that n[bleep]er!" Decaf exclaimed. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him. "Whoa. Decaf," Amaretto said coldly, "That was not cool. Seriously, what the fuck!?"

"I... I just... got caught up in the moment!" Decaf squealed. "Well you can go explain that to Doctor Quinn and apologize to him right now!" Amaretto shouted. "But I-" "Right now! Or no commies for you to kill! You got that!? You apologize to that nice man right fucking now, goddammit!" Amaretto continued to shout at him. "Yes sir!" Decaf shrieked as he ran over to Doctor Quinn.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry!" Decaf rambled. He then got on his hands and knees and bowed multiple times in front of Dr. Quinn. "What. The. Hell?" he muttered at the bizarre display in front of him. "Keep begging forgiveness, Decaf! Keep begging! Beg like a maaaaaaaannn!" Amaretto shouted.

Decaf began crying and bawling while screaming at Dr. Quinn to forgive him. And I thought the Bizarro's were messed up, Dr. Quinn commented in his head. "Okay, that's it! You people are all insane!" Dr. Quinn shouted. "I'm calling your superiors and asking them to send someone down here to bring you back to the surface before you do something that we'll all regret!" Dr. Quinn shouted.

"Well boys, this guy doesn't appreciate what his servicemen do for his country. I say we teach this little rat a lesson! Decaf! Stop begging! He doesn't deserve your apologies!" Amaretto growled before rushing at Dr. Quinn. "Come on, Boys! Let's get him!"

"Sir, a fight has broken out in Moon Pool 1-07," a maintenance worker said as he entered the bridge. "Li, send some people down there!" DeMartino said. "But what about Virjay's serum?" Li asked. "We'll use this as an excuse! We can say that they need to be examined after we break up the fight, so that they'll be ready to go, and then we can hit 'em!" DeMartino said.

"Huh, I guess we didn't need to do anything," DeMartino said as he looked at the bodies of the SEALs on the ground. "Are they dead?" he asked Dr. Quinn. "No, just unconscious. My cyborg body was more than enough to handle them," he explained. "Oh, yeah I forgot that you were a cyborg," DeMartino said while rubbing his chin.

"I don't bring it up very often, so it's understandable," Dr. Quinn said. French Vanilla walked over. "Man, I had no idea that-" Dr. Quinn knocked him unconscious. "Um, he was one of the sane ones," DeMartino said. "Oops," Dr. Quinn muttered.

"So, the SEALs are almost all incapacitated, with only two of them being sane enough to be trusted, and the rest are tied up in Commander Li's brig area," Amy said as she sipped some coffee while sitting on a chair next to Sparks. Daria was sitting at her post. "Yup. And anyway, they wouldn't be able to salvage anything in that trench from the start. We've already explored it," Sparks said.

"Oh, so that's why they asked us for help, isn't it?" Amy asked. "Yeah, but we left out a few things in our report on the trench," Sparks said. "Such as..." "Well, the fact that it's filled with giant squids and all sorts of unholy monstrosities that would give people nightmares even while they're awake. And the fact that the alien spaceships down there want to be left alone," Sparks said.

"Say what?" Amy asked. "Yeah. Alien space ships and weird alien things. I mean, those guys look pretty, but they are so weird. They hate being intruded upon, too. They tried to kill us until we promised to never bother them again. Bunch of assholes. Wait... if that submarine found... oh shit!" Sparks said.

Five minutes later, a powerful shock wave, sent from the abyssal trench, impacted and destroyed Sealab.

"See that Err? I told them not to intrude upon us, and yet they did not heed our warnings," Ignignokt said. "Yeah! Taste our watery middle fingers, douche bags!" Err screeched at the screen. The Mooninites then flipped off the destroyed remains of Sealab on their screen, before realizing that they had accidentally called the shock wave back at them.

"Uh-oh!" The Mooninites screamed before they, too, were destroyed.

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 022 [2-08]: The Great Coffee-tastrophe

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct

If you're gonna' stand on my neck

Then you'd better check under the sea

Cause that is where you'll find me

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water

Sealab!

At the bottom of the Sea!

Date: Monday, December 16th, 2021

Amy Barksdale opened the cupboard to grab a pack of coffee grounds. She noticed that the cupboard was almost empty. There was one half-empty box and one unopened box left. She sighed as she retrieved a small brewing-cup and inserted it into her coffee machine.

Debbie Dupree stepped out of the shower, grabbed her bathrobe and headed for her kitchen, where she saw Quentin Q. Quinn sitting down in his own bathrobe. "Is there a reason you didn't join me in the shower this morning?" Debbie asked him curiously. "I woke up earlier and every time I tried to wake you up, you tried to hit me," Quentin said.

"Huh. Sorry about that. Hey, I don't smell any coffee," Debbie said. "You don't have any left. Believe me, I looked," Quentin replied. "When's the next supply shipment supposed to come in from the surface?" Debbie asked him. "It should have arrived last night, so everything is probably still being unloaded and stocked," Quentin replied.

"I guess I can go for one day without coffee," Debbie said with a slight frown.

"Where? Where did I go wrong?" Captain Murphy asked himself as he looked out the window of the bridge. "Is something wrong, Captain?" Marco asked as he walked up him. "My Happy Bake Oven isn't working properly. I followed the instructions for cleaning it, and yet it won't hold its charge or heat when I bake with it. My delicious cupcakes! I'll have to buy pre-made cupcakes until it's fixed!" Murphy grieved.

"Oh. Uh, yeah, that, um, that sounds bad," Marco said half-heartedly. They soon heard the door open as Sparks entered the bridge. "Hey, Jones, your shift is over," Sparks said to Lieutenant Brett Jones. "Thank you, Sir," Jones said as he got up and left the bridge. Sparks reached down and patted his chair.

"I swear, if he got any crumbs or anything on here..." he muttered before sitting down and putting Jones's headset away and retrieving his own.

"Sparks, can you call the surface and ask them to send someone down here to repair my Happy Bake Oven?" Murphy asked him.

"What? Don't you have a spare lying around somewhere?" Sparks asked him. Murphy gasped in response.

"You're right! I do have a spare... uh, somewhere! I'm gonna go look for it right now!" Murphy exclaimed before he exited the bridge.

Sparks yawned after that. "You just wake up or something?" Marco asked him. "Yeah. And I'm all out of coffee, too. Amy drank the last of my coffee last night, so I've got none for myself until we get re-stocked," Sparks said in response.

"Hmm, yeah, how are things going with her, anyway?" Marco asked him.

"I don't really like discussing my personal life," Sparks said.

"Is that how you got arrested? Discussing your personal life with a cop by accident?" Marco joked.

"Keep it up, Marco. Keep it up," Sparks replied with narrowed eyes, although he said it in good humor.

Commander Oates looked at the inventory list of the supplies in the dock. "Hmm... oh no," he muttered as his eyes widened. "Our coffee shipment... it's been delayed until next month," he whispered fearfully. He looked over at the one remaining unopened crate of coffee leftover from the previous month. "We'll have to ration that until the next shipment comes in," he said.

"I just hope that everyone is willing to cooperate," he said to himself. He looked over the rest of the supplies on the list before calling the designated cargo moving teams into the supply bay. He looked over at a nearby clock as he waited for the inevitable to happen.

Date: Tuesday, December 17th, 2021

Anthony DeMartino scowled as he checked each cupboard for even the most remote sign that there was coffee. "Nothing," he said to himself grumpily. "Dammit, where's all the coffee at!?"

Throughout all of Sealab, as the day wore on, its denizens were slowly coming to the horrifying realization that their coffee stores were empty.

"Now c-class," Mr. O'Neill said shakily, "I-I need you all t-to pay a-attention to the line of-of dialogue be-between M-Mercutio a-and T-Tybalt during their c-confrontation." His eyes were wide and darting around the room as he tried to keep his composure.

"Okay," Mr. Van Driessen said, "I want one of you to tell me the basics of the Pythagorean Theorem, which was discovered by Pythagoras in ancient Greece. Anyone?" he asked his class, many of whom were jittery and shifting uncomfortably in their seats. "Has anyone heard anything I've been saying at all?" Van Driessen asked curiously.

"Okay," he said with a sigh, "I guess I'll have to go over it again. The Pythagorean Theorem states that 'A squared' plus 'B squared' equals 'C squared'." He looked out at his students. "Um, you are all paying attention, right?" he asked them.

"N-Need... caffeine!" one of them cried out. "Um, after class. Right now, geometry takes precedence over caffeine," Mr. Van Driessen said. This incited a riot in the class room.

"Hesh wants his mocha-flavored love now!" Hesh screamed over the console. "It doesn't matter what skin color the woman is, Hesh, no one will ever go out with you if you have that kind of attitude," Sparks replied. "I meant coffee!" Hesh exclaimed. "Oh come on, you can at least wait until you get a break before getting something to drink," Sparks replied.

"N-No! Hesh wants it now!" Hesh screamed manically. "Uh, oh, look at that, I have another caller. Bye, Hesh!" Sparks said before cutting off the transmission. "Whew!" he exclaimed before the door opened to the bridge and Amy walked in. "Hey, have you noticed how everyone's been acting jumpy for the past two days?" she asked him as she crouched down next to a panel in front of a powered-down computer terminal.

"Eh, kind of," Sparks replied. "I mean, some people have been acting weirder than they usually do," Amy reiterated as she opened the panel and began searching for the damaged circuits and controls. "Hesh is more annoying than usual," Sparks said. "Really?" Amy asked as she retrieved some screw drivers and tweezers from her tool box.

"Yeah. I heard that there was also a riot in one of the classrooms at New Lawndale an hour ago," Sparks said. "Oh my," Amy said sardonically as she worked on removing the damaged wire from its hold. "I've noticed that we're low on coffee too. Do you think there's a connection?" Sparks asked her. "We're low on coffee? Hmm, well I still have an unopened box in my cupboard back at my quarters," Amy said.

"Don't tell anyone. Just, you know, in case," Sparks said. "Thank you, Sparks," Amy said as she began crossing a few other wires together for a temporary solution until she could retrieve a proper replacement wire for the controls. "Okay, don't let anyone use this thing for more than an hour at a time until I return with the replacement wire," Amy said as she collected her tools and stood up.

"Affirmative," Sparks said as Amy walked away and left the bridge. "She still didn't answer my question though. Is there a connection?" Sparks asked himself before mulling over the question internally. "Hmm... I'd say there's a seventy-five percent chance that there's a connection," He said to himself before opening up a game of Solitaire on one of his computer screens.

"Okay, I know that tensions are high right now," Dr. Quinn said to the angry mob that had formed inside of Sealab's main Social Hall, which was really just a big room that no one actually knew what to do with. "But, we need to keep our cool," he said.

"Easy for you to say, Mr. Cyborg! You don't need caffeine!" someone shouted. "We need coffee! It keeps us alive!" shouted another person. "Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!" the crowd began to chant.

"Calm down, people. Just calm down," Dr. Quinn said. The crowd continued chanting. "This isn't going to end well," he said to himself. "Hey, everyone!" shouted Stormy, "There's one large unopened container of coffee grounds still in the loading bay!"

The crowd became silent, before they all charged forward, exiting the room in a mass stampede. Stormy jumped out of the way in a manner befitting of an action movie star, diving onto the floor and letting a cool one-liner slip forth. "Yippee-Kai-Yay, coffee lovers," Stormy said with a cool voice. Twenty seconds later, his coolness ended when he stood up and bumped his head on something. "Ow," he muttered.

"Well, I certainly hope that the crate you mentioned is large enough to supply everyone who drinks coffee for at least a month until the next supply run gets here," Dr. Quinn said to stormy as he walked over to him. "Well, Captain Murphy said that it should be enough as long as we ration it. He did the math and stuff after checking the individual manifest for the crate and comparing it with the population of Sealab," Stormy said.

"Wow," Dr. Quinn said, "I'm actually impressed. But, then again, we're talking about sweets here, so of course Captain Murphy would put time and effort into that."

"Yup. He even gave me a copy of the charts and stuff that he used," Stormy said before he pulled the folded up papers from his pocket and handed them to Dr. Quinn.

"Hmm," Dr. Quinn said as he looked over the papers. "Wait a minute," he said as he looked at the population charts. "This was Sealab's population before the Lawndale move! Even if we ration it, there still won't be enough to last until the next supply shuttle arrives," Dr. Quinn groaned. "Um... is that bad?" Stormy asked him. "Yes, Stormy. This is very bad," Dr. Quinn replied before sighing at their predicament.

"Hey, Doc?" Stormy asked him. "Yeah?" "Why are we low on coffee supplies anyway?" "You know, that's a good question. "I'm gonna go find Captain Murphy and ask him about the last supply run," Dr. Quinn said.

"Someone raided my kitchen!" Amy Barksdale roared in anger. "Who dared to come in here and steal my food and beverages without my permission!?"

"Shh," Daria whispered as she came out of her bedroom. "You'll wake Jane," she added. Amy looked at her niece curiously.

"Daria, why aren't you on the bridge right now? You do still have a... wait, that smell... Daria, at least let me know ahead of time if you and Jane are going to-oh, hi Tom," Amy said as she saw Tom poke his head out of Daria's bedroom door. "It was the only way to calm her down. She needs her caffeine, Amy. We had to wear her out or else she would have gone crazy," Daria explained in a whisper.

"So, how much of my coffee did you give her?" Amy asked. "Just enough to keep her energized for... um, I guess three rounds," Daria said. "Wow. Youthful vitality," Amy commented. "Yeah, but Tom had to sit out the second round, though, so I had to take care of Jane by myself until he could recover for the third round," Daria said.

"Oh. Um... well, could I perhaps have what's left of my coffee supplies then?" Amy asked her as politely as she could.

"Sure, just give me a few seconds," Daria replied before disappearing into the bedroom.

"You did what!?" Dr. Quinn shouted at Captain Murphy. "Well, I needed more room for cupcake supplies, and I figured, hey, there's enough coffee for us to ration, so why not?" Murphy replied. "Captain, that only would have worked with Sealab's population before the arrival of the residents from Lawndale! There are too many people living here now for that to work!" Dr. Quinn said.

"Um... oops," Captain Murphy said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Dammit, Captain, this could have worse consequences than when you kept those fighting dogs!" Dr. Quinn scolded.

"Uh, the what now?" Murphy asked him curiously in response.

"Those Guatemalan fighting dogs, remember?" Dr. Quinn reminded him.

"Oh yeah, right, those... I wonder what happened to them," Murphy pondered thoughtfully.

Date: Wednesday, December 18th, 2021

After the coffee supplies ran low, Sealab descended into chaos. Marauding gangs of thugs grabbed transportation carts and began driving around, searching for their precious coffee supplies. Much of Sealab had become a series of battle-zones between the people who still had coffee and those who did not. The body count was horrible.

Those who did not crave caffeine were mostly left to themselves, but they were few and far between. Some denizens had set up safe zones where the remaining coffee supplies were rationed, but the marauders were too caught up in their craze for violence to truly communicate in a civilized manner.

"Give us your coffee!" Timothy O'Neill shouted into a megaphone at the people who had barricaded themselves into a recreation room. He was wearing some kind of mask and his voice had taken on a deep and gravelly tone. "There's been too much violence. Too much pain! We can settle this peacefully if you just hand over the coffee! No one has to get hurt. Just hand it over and walk away. Just walk away and we can put an end to the horror," he said.

"You can TAKE IT when you pry it from my COLD, dead HANDS!" Commander DeMartino shouted at him from behind the barricade.

"Yeah, you tell him, Mr. D!" Kevin Thompson said with a fist in the air.

"Shut up, Kevin!" DeMartino snapped.

"Well, I gave them a chance," O'Neill said as he sat back down in his transport cart, which had been adorned with spikes and sports equipment from the New Lawndale High gymnasium. O'Neill looked behind his cart at the others. The cheerleaders had all adorned themselves with foot ball uniforms and spikes, going so far as to dye their hair, with one of them having a red Mohawk.

"Cheer-mongers! Chaaarge!" O'Neill shouted as his gang started their engines and drove towards the barricade at the break-neck speed of five miles per hour. DeMartino watched as the carts moved forward, eventually ramming into the barricade, pushing it back ever so slightly. "Back up and ram again! We'll break through the barricade eventually!" O'Neill shouted to his followers.

Captain Murphy sat down in a chair on the bridge and slowly ate his delicious cupcakes. "Aw, sweet fluffy tastiness! The destroyer of sorrows and bringer of hope!" Murphy said with a blissful expression on his face. "Um, Captain, you do know that people are rioting and going out of control throughout the station, right?" Sparks asked him from his seat.

"Uh-huh, whatever," Murphy replied dismissively. Sparks sighed and looked back at his game of Solitaire. Suddenly, Dr. Quinn arrived on the bridge. "Okay, does anyone know where the spare security equipment is stored?" he asked.

"Yeah, but why?" Sparks asked him. "Three fourths of the Sealab Security force are gone, presumably because they all need their coffee. Only a handful of people remain, and only four of them are seasoned and experienced. The rest are all rookies," Dr. Quinn said.

"Hmm, rookies rhymes with cookies," Captain Murphy said thoughtfully. Sparks and Dr. Quinn both turned their heads to stare at him for a minute, before resuming their conversation. "So, anyway, how many people are still rational?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. "Um... I don't really know. Stormy doesn't have a caffeine problem, but he's still Stormy," Dr. Quinn said.

"Yeah, that doesn't really help us, does it?" Sparks replied. "Marco is trying to keep order in engineering, but he can only do so much with so few personnel," Dr. Quinn said. "What about Lieutenant Commander Barch?" Sparks asked him. "Well... see, the thing is... she joined Mr. O'Neill as part of his marauding gang," Dr. Quinn replied.

"I didn't know she had a caffeine problem," Sparks said. "She doesn't. She's just using this as an excuse to go around beating up as many men as she can find," Dr. Quinn explained with an exasperated sigh. "Oh, I almost forgot about that little problem of hers," Sparks said.

"What about Lieutenant Barksdale?" Dr. Quinn asked Sparks. "Uh... I'm actually not sure where she is right now. I know that she likes coffee, but I don't know how much she likes it, so she could be on either side right now," Sparks replied. Just then, Amy strode into the room, tired and fatigued. Her uniform looked roughed-up, and she was sporting a bruise around her eye.

"Amy, what happened?" Sparks asked with a hint of concern. "Coffee... bandits... lunatics," she explained with ragged breathing. "I beat them off... with a wrench. That didn't sound right," Amy said. "It's okay," Sparks said. "So... what do we do?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. Just then, one of the monitors came to life on the screen, showing Upchuck's face.

"Lieutenant Ruttheimer, what's the situation?" Sparks asked him. "They're trying to break through to the reactor room! I keep telling them that we don't have any coffee, but they won't listen!" he screamed. "Ruttheimer, calm down," Sparks said. "I would if Hesh would stop bragging about the coffee that we do not have!" Upchuck replied.

"Wait, what?" Sparks asked him. "Hesh keeps taunting them by saying that we have tons of coffee, even though we don't! I can't just kick him out of here, I need his help to keep the reactor room running properly, since there's only four of us in here!" Upchuck said. "Is Marco in there with you?" Sparks asked him. "No! It's just me, Hesh, Miller, and Carter," Upchuck replied.

"Yeah! Come on, bitches! We've got more coffee in here than you can dream of! Just try getting in here to take it away from us!" Hesh shouted at the door where angry thumping could be heard. "Hesh, shut the fuck up!" Upchuck shouted at him before returning his attention to the communication console.

"Um... we'll send someone down there to help you," Sparks said. "Please do! I don't think I can keep my cool much longer, and if Hesh doesn't shut up soon, there's only gonna be three of us in here!" Upchuck said. Sparks ended the transmission.

"Okay, Dr. Quinn, who's left on the security team?" Sparks asked him. "Um... Tommy Sherman is capable... all things considered," Dr. Quinn said. "What about Commander Li?" Sparks asked him. "She's locked herself in a safe with her personal coffee stash. She's refusing to come out and do her job," Dr. Quinn replied. "What about Lieutenant Winters?" Sparks asked. "She's taken over since Li has decided to shirk her responsibilities," Dr. Quinn replied.

"Can we send her down with Sherman to take care of the reactor room?" Sparks asked. "We can try to get a hold of her," Dr. Quinn said. They both heard a sigh and looked over to see Amy sitting down next to Captain Murphy. "So tired," she said.

"Cookies need love like everything does," Captain Murphy said sagely.

"What?" the other three asked him in bewilderment. "But... I only ordered supplies for baking cupcakes, not cookies," Murphy said thoughtfully as he rubbed his chin. "Then again, I do love cupcakes more than cookies, so I guess that's okay," he said to himself before plopping another cupcake into his mouth.

"Right, um, let's contact Lieutenant Winters," Sparks said. Dr. Quinn eyed Captain Murphy and began to think of a plan while Sparks contacted Lieutenant Sasha Winters. "I can send Sherman over there and maybe Sergeant Brooke, but I need to stay here and provide centralized logistics and command for the others. And I need to keep an eye on Commander Li," Sasha Winters said. "Fair enough. We'll tell Lieutenant Ruttheimer that help is on the way," Sparks replied.

Sparks then called up the reactor room, while Dr. Quinn walked over to Captain Murphy. "Um, Captain, do you realize that if the gangs and crowds don't get under control soon, they may destroy your Happy Bake Oven and cupcake supplies by accident?" he said. Captain Murphy whipped his head in Dr. Quinn's direction, his eyes wide with shock.

"Oh my god! We need to round up those barbarians right away!" Captain Murphy said as he stood up, holding a cupcake in his hand. He walked over to the intercom system. "Attention all coffee lovers, there is a large supply of coffee in the gladiator arena in Pod Fourteen. Please proceed to Pod Fourteen! All security personnel please escort the coffee lovers to Pod Fourteen, for the games will begin after they all arrive," Captain Murphy announced.

"Gladiator arena?" Amy asked in confusion. "Oh yeah. Most people call it the big football stadium, but I prefer gladiator arena. It sounds so much better that way, don't you agree?" Captain Murphy replied. "Now, to the arena!" Murphy said.

A Short Time Later, in the Sealab Big Sports Stadium Gladiator Arena...

Captain Murphy sat near the front of the stadium seats, with a plate of cupcakes held securely in a dish and a cup of soda in his hand. Amy and Sparks sat next to each other, holding hands and drinking cups of water or soda, while Dr. Quinn and Debbie Dupree sat next to each other, watching the large number of coffee bandits being herded into the arena.

Daria and Tom sat next to each other while Elsie and Jodie and Mack watched with interest through binoculars. Jane sat between Daria and Tom, tired and snoring. Both of her lovers kept an eye on her while watching the arena being filled up. A few teachers, including Mr. Phelps, Mr. Deckard, and Miss Defoe, sat down near the front, eating popcorn. Kevin and Brittany sat near the front row. Brittany had Kevin strapped to the seat to prevent him from leaping down into the arena.

Hesh Hepplewhite stood up near one of the rails of the stadium, until Upchuck "accidentally" pushed him over, sending him falling into the arena with the other challengers. "Oops, clumsy me," Upchuck said as he walked over and took a seat near Dr. Quinn and Debbie Dupree.

Captain Shanks sat next to Captain Murphy, eating a sandwich. After the arena had been filled with all of the surviving coffee lovers, Captain Murphy stood up in a grand gesture, extending a hand out while holding a megaphone with the other. He scanned the crowds sitting in the seats and the people in the arena.

"Now, by the will of the gods, you will all fight for our pleasure! Those of you who survive will have bestowed upon them the gift of the gods' love in the form of the holy beverage known as coffee!" Captain Murphy shouted with the megaphone. His statement was punctuated by a grand flash of lightning and a roar of thunder.

Sparks looked around in confusion. "Wait, how can we have-" he was cut off when Amy sealed her lips to his fervently. Daria looked over and turned her gaze away. Tom decided to distract her with a kiss, and both of them did this in front of a barely conscious Jane.

Down in the arena, Timothy O'Neill looked up and around at his opponents, some of whom were trying to back away. "My followers, let not those cowards run from us without the blood and sweat of battle upon them, for we shall rise victorious with their own blood and sweat upon our brows and bosoms! Fight, for the glory of Arabica!" he shouted as he led a charge of cheerleaders at several other people.

[Begin Montage, set to the song Nothing's Gonna Stand In Our Way, by Spectre General, from the soundtrack for Transformers The Movie (1986)]

Anthony DeMartino stabs a sword into Janet Barch's chest.

O'Neill cuts off the head of Hesh Hepplewhite with a grin on his face.

Captain Murphy eats a cupcake with a gleam in his eyes.

Two teenagers swing battle axes at each other, slicing their bodies in half.

Lightning streaks through the sky... of the dome... underwater. It is awesome.

Amy and Sparks cheer at someone off-screen.

Angela Li fights DeMartino with a spear. He blocks her attack and jumps over her, swinging his sword and decapitating her.

Captain Shanks eats his sandwich while not paying attention to anything.

Two cheerleaders rip their clothes off and start making out, causing several coffee gladiators to become distracted, allowing O'Neill the chance to kill them easily.

Jodie and Mack gaze down at the proceedings with huge smiles on their faces.

A man walking around selling popcorn in the stadium gets a spear through the chest and falls over, dead. Brittany Taylor just pushes his body aside while taking some popcorn.

Sandi Griffin swings a chain with a spiked ball at DeMartino, who manages to duck and roll forward, surprising Sandi and stabbing her through the chest with his sword.

Quinn and Stacey hold each other's hands and gaze longingly at each other while occasionally watching the violent proceedings below. They both take a sip of their sodas.

A security officer throttles Mrs. Bennett with her bare hands.

O'Neill swings a sword at Shaggy and cuts him in half. He hollers in victory before moving on to the next opponent.

Blood and guts fly up into the stadium seats.

Soon, only DeMartino and O'Neill are left standing, although the two cheerleaders from earlier are now engaged in graphic sexual activities with each other.

Amy and Sparks lean forward with interest as they watch the final showdown.

Daria is now sitting in Tom's lap, having intense, but mostly clothed, sex with him while watching the proceedings.

Elsie is sipping a soda through a straw while using binoculars to stare at the two cheerleaders in the arena.

Mr. Phelps is sitting in a seat, sipping a cup of tea while wearing a monocle. He nods his head in approval as DeMartino and O'Neill circle each other.

[Montage ends]

"This is it," DeMartino said as he stared down his opponent. His heated glare was unwavering.  The adrenaline flowed through him as he prepared for the final battle.

"One shall rise, and one shall fall," O'Neill said confidently. His eyes locked with DeMartino's, and the two warriors sized each other up. With a slight nod, he signaled his readiness to his opponent.

DeMartino and O'Neill both raised their weapons, preparing for the last dance. "FOR COFFEE!!!" they both shouted in unison. Then they charged at each other.

 Ending Theme: Hunger, by Spectre General, from the soundtrack for Transformers The Movie (1986).

Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 023 [2-09]: I, Fashion-bot

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct

If you're gonna' stand on my neck

Then you'd better check under the sea

Cause that is where you'll find me

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water

Sealab!

At the bottom of the Sea!

Date: Friday, December 20th, 2021

Quinn Morgendorffer turned on the TV in the living room as she ate her cereal silently. "-klok will be performing a special concert in Norway on December 28th, from eleven thirty to one a.m., to help usher in the new year," the news anchor said. "The concert will be broadcast live from Norway around the world. In other news, Mr. Snuggle Wuggle, the first kitten to have its brain transferred into a robot body, died last night after a hair-ball clogged up its circuitry and short-circuited its body. Doctors and scientists are still trying to figure out how it managed to get a hairball inside of its body in the first place, though," the anchor continued.

Quinn gasped. "Aw, that poor kitty!" "What about a kitty?" Daria asked as she entered the living room and headed for the kitchen. "A kitten that had its brain transferred into a robot body died from a hairball messing with its circuits. It's just so sad!" Quinn explained. "Uh-huh. Well that's... wait, how did a robot body get a hairball in the first place?" Daria asked.

"How can you focus on trivial details like that when a poor innocent kitty has died?" Quinn asked her sister. "Um... because that detail is actually kind of important," Daria replied firmly. "You just don't care about animals," Quinn said before she resumed eating her cereal.

Amy walked past the two of them on her way into the kitchen. "Quinn, if you make a mess on that floor, you're cleaning it up," Amy said as she got her coffee maker ready. Daria looked over at her. "Um, Amy, aren't you almost out of coffee until the next shipment comes in?" she asked her aunt. "I'm not making coffee. I'm making hot chocolate," Amy replied.

"Oh. Okay," Daria said before making her way into the kitchen and grabbing some breakfast and sitting down at the table. A minute later, Stacey exited Quinn's room and entered the kitchen, wearing one of Quinn's shirts. Amy and Daria both looked at her. "Um... morning," she said after realizing that Amy and Daria were staring at her.

In the Girls' Bathroom at New Lawndale High...

"And all Daria could care about was how a hairball could get inside a robot body. I mean, come on, a kitten died," Quinn said. "Hmm... a robot body?" Sandi Griffin asked. "You know, a robot body could stay youthful looking for, like, forever and stuff," Sandi said. "Are you even listening?" Quinn asked her, "A kitten has died! Why am I the only person who cares about that!?"

"You know... she has... a point," Tiffany said to Quinn. "A robot body... would looook however you waant... for eveeeerrr," Tiffany said. "Stacey, you care about the kitty, right?" Quinn asked Stacey. "I bet that if they'd built that robot body better, the kitty wouldn't have died," Stacey said.

"Um... okay," Quinn said. "Hey, Sandi?" Tiffany asked her, "If you could, would you... put your brain... in a robot body?" "Hmm... I wouldn't want to look like a metal freak," Sandi said. "You would look... exactly the same," Tiffany said. "How do you know that?" Sandi asked her.

"Um... I just do," Tiffany replied with a shrug. This was good enough for Sandi. Meanwhile, Daria was sitting on the toilet in one of the stalls next to them, listening to their conversation since it involved the word robot. "What about you, Stacey?" Tiffany asked. "Gee, I don't know," Stacey said. "I like my body. I love my body," she said huskily. "I love it too," Quinn whispered in her ear.

"You would still have your good looks and voice," Tiffany said. "Yeah, and since, like, your robot body would never age, you wouldn't have to worry about, like, wearing old person clothes and stuff," Sandi added. "Hmm..." Stacey mumbled as she thought about this. Just then, Jodie Landon walked into the bathroom. "Hey, Jodie," Stacey said, "Would you ever put your brain in a robot body?"

"Huh? Um, why?" Jodie asked. "You'd have eternal beauty and the strength of five men," Sandi said. "Not five men, five gorillas!" Andrea LaGotha said as she exited a stall. "Of course, with that kind of strength, if you'd try to pet a kitten, you'd crush it."

"[Audible gasp!] Poor kitty!" Quinn exclaimed with an audible gasp. "Yeah," Andrea said. Brittany Taylor walked in then. "What the? Why are there so many people in here at the end of the day? Are the other bathrooms full?" she asked rhetorically. Just then, Daria exited her stall and washed her hands before leaving the bathroom.

"That's all anybody wanted to talk about today," Daria said to Sparks as they monitored communications. Well, she was doing actual work while Sparks played Solitaire. "You know, I believe something similar to that happened here once," Sparks said. "Really?" Daria asked him. "Yup, right down to the part about the gorillas," Sparks said. "When did everyone finally stop talking about it?" Daria asked him.

"Hmm, you know, I really don't remember that well. I do know that an explosion of some kind was involved, though," Sparks said. Just then, there was an urgent message from Daria's console. "Pod Six is flooding from hull damage! We need help to get it fixed!"

"Understood. I'll send someone out there right away," Daria said. "Come in, Lieutenant Barksdale," Daria said. "Daria, you can call me Amy, you know," Amy said. "That would be inappropriate. Anyway, can you take someone outside to fix the hull breach in Pod Six?" Daria asked her. "Sure, I'll get right on that," Amy replied.

"Say, Daria, would you ever put your brain in a robot body?" Sparks asked her jokingly.

"And so, like, my robot body would have perfect C-cup breasts and legs that could run at twenty miles per hour," Sandi said. "Hmm, but if you're a robot, what would be the point of having breasts?" Jodie asked her. "Um, obviously to let guys know that I am a woman! Duh!" Sandi replied.

"Wait... would we still have reproductive parts?" Stacey asked curiously. "Umm, no ovaries, because getting pregnant would make you look fat," Tiffany said. "Yeah, and stretch marks are, like, eww!" Sandi said. "Yeah," Quinn said in agreement as they stood in a hallway near the Sealab Arcade, which was located next to Grizzlebee's and Electro-Mart. "Hmm, could my robot body be that of a graceful Siberian tiger?" Brittany asked. "You would look... exactly the same," Tiffany replied.

"Hmm, I'm going to have large wings attached to my robot body, so that I can fly everywhere," Andrea said. "You won't have wings," Tiffany said. "Hey, as a robot, could I have a clitoris that would vibrate itself to orgasm?" Jodie asked. "Um... yeah, sure," Tiffany said. "Oh, she gets a vibrating clitoris, but I can't have a robot wings?" Andrea asked.

"Okay," Tiffany said, "Everybody gets... a vibrating clitoris." "Fuck yeah! That's what I'm talking about!" Stacey exclaimed. "Not me," said Brittany, "I'm going to be a graceful Siberian Tiger-bot! With claws of vengeance and fangs of justice! And my tail will knock evil-doers onto their asses with one swipe!"

"Now what did we just say about the-oh, never mind," Andrea said. "Yeah, and who needs a self-vibrating clit?" Sandi asked. "When the boys see my robot body, they'll all be begging to shove their... oh," Sandi said with disappointment. "Yeah... I guess that wouldn't work out so well with a robot body, would it?" she asked herself.

Amy pushed the dolphin away as she tried to work on the hull breach. Dr. Quinn and Mack were also helping her with sealing it, but the dolphins were bothering them too. "Dammit! I can't get any work done with these dolphins bothering me!" Amy exclaimed through her suit.

"Um, maybe we could ask Mrs. Sloane to help us? I think she does well with dolphins, doesn't she?" Mack suggested. "Good idea. Mack, go get Mrs. Sloane and bring her out here to help us until we can get this fixed," Dr. Quinn said.

"But, if the robots are discriminated against, what does that mean for cyborgs?" Daria asked Sparks. "Since cyborgs are human with technological enhancements, that means even someone with glasses such as myself could be considered a cyborg," Daria said. "True, but we're talking about prosthesis and wires and stuff, not just glasses and an arm or a leg," Sparks replied.

"And even then, would the laws that apply to humans be given to the robots in an equal manner, or would things be more severe, including punishment? Would a police officer be allowed or even recommended to use excessive force on someone with a robot body since it can take more punishment than a normal human body, or would they try to treat people the same?" Daria asked him.

"Hmm, a whole new set of ethics would have to be created for this kind of thing," Sparks said in response to Daria's questions.

"Hey, what if there's a war," Stacey said, "You know, between humans and robots? Which side would I be on?" "You'd be on the side of the humans, Stacey," Sandi said. "But, her body is a robot!" Andrea exclaimed. "Well, how would anyone tell?" Stacey asked. "Dogs. Dogs would be able to sniff out humans from robots, like in The Terminator," Andrea replied.

"That's how they would hunt you," Tiffany said. "They're gonna hunt us?" Brittany asked. "Yeah," Jodie said, "Which is why we must crush humanity!" "Hmm... but then who would make food for all the kitties?" Quinn asked herself. "Quinn, stop whining about that stupid kitty," Sandi said.

Quinn looked at Sandi with shock in her eyes. "How... dare you!?"" Quinn exclaimed in horror. "Like, we're talking about eternal youth and fashion with robot bodies. That is so much more important than one little kitty," Sandi replied. "Fuck you, Sandi!" Quinn said before she stormed off.

Listen to me, my cuddly companions, Kay Sloane said through her telepathic brain waves, I beg of you to let these people work in peace. The dolphins turned to look at Kay Sloane and swam towards her. Play with us! Play with us! Play with us into oblivion! Yes, my aquatic mammal friends, I shall play with you into-wait, what? How about just a few hours?

That works just as well, the dolphins replied through telepathy. "Okay, guys, the dolphins will be playing with me until you're done. I'm gonna take them over to one of the moon pools to keep them occupied," Kay said through her suit's radio. "Sounds good, Mrs. Sloane. Thanks for helping us," Dr. Quinn said.

"Quinn! Meow! Quinn!" cried a voice. Quinn turned around in the hallway and gasped. Floating before her in mid-air was the ghost of a kitten. "Mr. Wuggle Buggle?" Quinn asked. "Actually, it's Snuggle Wuggle, meow," the ghost replied. "Oh. But, why are you down here? Didn't you die on land?" Quinn asked the ghost.

"Your friends and associates do not care about kitty-kind! They must be punished, meow!" Snuggle Wuggle said. "You're right," Quinn said. "Yes, now, go do my bidding, meow! Punish them, Quinn!" he implored her. "Yes! Your bidding is my command, Mr. Snuggle Wuggle!" Quinn exclaimed before running off.

Elsie Sloane watched her curiously before dropping down from a vent. Reaching into her pocket, she retrieved a small scorpion that she had found near a large empty box for a soda machine earlier. She gently petted the scorpion as she saw Quinn disappear after turning a corner.

Stormy made his way into the moon pool. Looking over at the pool, he saw Mrs. Sloane with some dolphins. Her voice was high-pitched for some reason. As Stormy got closer, he saw something that he could not un-see. "What are you doing with those dolphins!?" "It's completely n-naturaaallll!" Kay cried out happily.

"Brain bleach, man! I need brain bleach!" Stormy exclaimed as he turned around. He made it half-way through the corridor before stopping in his tracks as he remembered something important. "Wait, didn't Dr. Quinn say he needed my help with something outside? Oh, man, he did!"

Stormy then turned around. "Wait, remember what's back that way, Stormy," he said to himself in trepidation. "Although... there are other moon pools in Sealab. I'll just... go find another one," he said to himself before walking in a different direction.

"So... how exactly do we keep the humans from rising up against us?" Sandi asked. "Hmm... We could, like, let them dress nicely once a month," Tiffany suggested. "Oh, please! We'll lose a war with the humans, because human bodies will still have reproductive organs, so they can keep pumping out little baby humans to fight! Our robot bodies can't do that!" Jodie said.

"Yeah, and we'll still need humans to service us and fix us when the bodies break down or have malfunctions," Andrea said. "But, if we lose the war with the humans, then what happens to us?" Stacey asked. "The humans will probably make us live on a reservation with the other robots, and they will screw us!" Jodie said. Stacey raised an eyebrow. "But I thought our bodies-" "Not that way," Sandi said, interrupting Stacey.

"What if we could build other robots to fix us so that we wouldn't need to use the humans!?" Jodie suggested. "Yeah, but then... wait, I just realized, what happens if our robot bodies are exposed to an Electro-Magnetic Pulse, or lots or static? Would our human brains keep the bodies functioning, or would they shut down completely?" Andrea asked.

"Hmm, I hadn't thought of that," Tiffany said thoughtfully. "Hey, where did Quinn go?" Stacey asked as she looked around. "Who cares?" Sandi asked. "I care," Stacey said quietly.

"Marco, I need you to help Mack attach that hose to that coupling over there, and then release that valve afterwards," Amy said through her suit's radio. "You got it!" Marco replied. He swam over and helped Mack with the hose, before giving the okay signal to Amy.

Just then, there was a flash of light, and then a shock wave. "What the hell is going on!?" Amy cried out. "It's Pod Eight! It's gone!" Dr. Quinn said. "What!? I thought that Pod Six was the one with the damage," Amy replied.

"Um, oh, yeah. See, um, Pod Eight also had a hull breach two days ago, but we thought that we fixed it," Marco explained. "Wait, what did you guys use to fix it?" Dr. Quinn asked Marco suspiciously. "Um... we used duct tape," Marco admitted shamefully. "What!? You moron!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed. "Yeah, what the hell, Marco!?" Amy cried out.

"Oh, come on! Pod Eight was full of jerks! Nobody liked those guys," Marco said. "So? They still had the Adult Fantasy store!" Amy exclaimed. "Well, don't we have another one?" Marco asked. "Yes, but it's all the way over at Pod Thirty!" Amy replied angrily. "Well, at least you won't have to worry about returning anything you rented from there," Marco said.

"That's not the point, Marco," Amy said. "Yeah. A lot of people just died, and we should be taking some time to mourn them... even if they were all assholes," Dr. Quinn said. "Hey, where's Mack?" Amy asked as she looked around.

"Um, I think he's right over there," Marco said, pointing at the person who was stuck in a hole in the hull. "And we just tried to fix that!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed. "Help, someone please help me!" Mack cried out over his suit's radio.

Quinn made her way over to the reactor room. "Oh... I don't have clearance to get in here," she said sadly. "I'll have to punish Sandi some other way," she said before turning around. Eventually, she made her way into Pod 06, where she soon found Mack sticking through a hole in the hull, blocking the water.

"Mack, I need someone to rant to," Quinn said. "Oh come on, why me?" Mack asked her through his suit. "Just shut up and listen," Quinn snapped at him.

"But what happens if the robots built for fixing us decide to revolt against us, or even side with the humans?" Jodie asked. "Hmm... we would program them to hate humans," Sandi said. "But don't we have have human brains? Wouldn't that make them hate us as well?" Andrea asked her. "Oh, right," Sandi said.

"Wait, what if our brains get brain tumors!?" Stacey asked. "Your robot body... would be a brain surgeon," Tiffany said. "What? Oh, come on!" Jodie exclaimed. "Yeah, that's just ridiculous," Andrea said.

"Hey, Doctor Quinn!" Stormy shouted as he swam over to the group. "Stormy, we need you to help us get Mack here unstuck from this hole in the hull," Dr. Quinn said, ushering Stormy over. "Wow, half of him is inside and half of him is outside. What will we plug the hole with after we get him out?" Stormy asked.

"Um... does Pod Six have the modular corridors that can seal shut?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn with concern. "Actually... I'm not sure," he replied. "But still, how do we get Mack out of there?"" Amy asked. "Maybe we could ask Mrs. Sloane to send a dolphin or two over here to help," Marco suggested. "No! You-you don't wanna know what she was doing with those dolphins!" Stormy exclaimed.

"Um... Stormy? Is there something we should know?" Amy asked him. "Well, earlier, when I was heading to a moon pool to get suited up to come out here..."

Twenty minutes later...

"Oh my god!" Amy exclaimed. "That sick woman!" Dr. Quinn shouted. "Dos Mio! What the hell is wrong with that family!? The daughter is terrifying, the father is a lunatic who wears his shirts weird and spouts nonsense, the mother is a telepath who is into bestiality, and the son is... actually kind of normal, now that I think about it," Marco said.

"And none of them cared about Mr. Snuggle Wuggle, which is why his ghost has tasked me with avenging him and punishing Sandi and the others!" Quinn finished with a fist in the air. "Um, that's nice and all, but if you could just walk to the other side of that door and seal the bulkheads of this corridor to prevent flooding, that would be nice. Oh, and make sure that you're on the other side of the bulkheads when you do it, please?"

"Sure, whatever. You're boring to be around anyway," Quinn said. "Finally," Mack said to himself.

"But if you mix hot chocolate with milk, it adds a richer taste to the drink," Daria said. "Yes, but then the milk adds fat, and while I don't care about that, if I serve it to someone who's picky, then I get in trouble," Sparks replied. "True, but you could always tell them to take it or leave it," Daria countered.

Just then, Jane and Tom entered the bridge, followed by Sandi, Stacey, Jodie, Andrea, Brittany, and Tiffany. "Hey, Daria, do you know how we can get them to stop following us?" Tom asked her. "Leave us alone!" Jane shouted at the girls.

"But you'll have the strength of five gorillas!" Stacey said. "That kind of strength would damage my art supplies," Jane retorted. "Why did you lead them in here?" Sparks asked Tom. "I thought that they would be locked out since they don't have clearance... but I was wrong," Tom replied.

"Look, why don't you-" "Help, this is Pod Seven! We have a catastrophic leak!" "Oh, come on!" Sparks growled. "First Pod Six has a leak, then Pod Eight explodes, and now Pod Seven has a leak!? What the hell did Marco fix those with the other day, duct tape!?" Sparks asked in exasperation.

"Marco's duct tape isn't holding anymore! We need help!" a crewman shouted. "Motherfucker," Sparks muttered. "Duct... tape?" Daria asked with a raised eyebrow. "Marco's been getting lazy again. And Dr. Quinn is still out with Amy at Pod Six," Sparks said.

"We need help!" "Shut up! You'll get your damn help after Pod Six is fixed!" Sparks snapped at the screen. He then cut the feed. "This is Pod Ten! We have a leak! The duct tape Marco used isn't working anymore!" "Goddammit, Marco!" Sparks shouted in anger.

"Okay, on three, two, one, pull!" Dr. Quinn said as he, Amy, Stormy, and Marco grabbed Mack and pulled him out of the hole. The water went into the hole filling up the corridor. "Oh man, now the whole pod is gonna flood!" Stormy exclaimed.

"No it won't. I had White Quinn seal off the corridor with the modular safety bulkheads," Mack explained. "Oh. So Pod Six does have modular corridors," Dr. Quinn mused thoughtfully. "I am so glad to be out of that hole. If I had to listen to White Quinn talk about robot bodies and cats any longer, I would have gone insane," Mack said.

Dr. Quinn raised an eyebrow. "Say what?"

Several Hours Later...

"Please, someone make it stop," Sparks sobbed with his head in his hands as he leaned against his console. The troupe of girls were still arguing about robot bodies, and none of them had left the bridge. Quinn had managed to enter the bridge earlier and had tried to attack Sandi, only to be incapacitated by the other girls and tied to a chair.

Just then, Dr. Quinn entered the bridge and looked at the girls in disgust. "Oh, not this bullshit again," he said to himself as he walked over to them. "Okay, ladies, listen up! You do not want to have robot bodies," Dr. Quinn exclaimed. "Why not?" Sandi asked him. "We'd be, like, beautiful forever!" "Yeah," Tiffany added.

"Okay then, how do you plan on having sex with a robot body? Hmm? Did you ever think of that?" he asked them. "Yes, we did," Stacey said. "Huh?" Dr. Quinn asked her. "We decided that our robot bodies will all have a functional clitoris that can vibrate whenever we want it to, thus ensuring that we can still feel pleasure," Jodie explained.

"Uh... well, there goes my best argument," Dr. Quinn said sheepishly. "Um... why is White Quinn tied up to a chair?" Dr. Quinn asked them. "She tried to attack Sandi. She was raving about cat ghosts and stuff," Andrea explained. "Cat... ghosts?" Dr. Quinn asked her.

"We don't get it either," Andrea said with a shrug.

"Hey, did you fix Pod Seven?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. "Yeah. We got that duct tape replaced with some actual hull material," Dr. Quinn said. "Marco's been using duct tape to fix everything lately," Sparks said angrily. "Yeah, I mean, how stupid can someone be?" Dr. Quinn asked. "As long as he didn't fix that reactor problem the other week with duct tape," Sparks said with a chuckle.

Both men laughed, until the implications of that statement sunk in. "Oh... could you, um, call up the reactor room?" Dr. Quinn asked Sparks. "Sure. Hey, Daria, can you-Daria?" Sparks asked as he looked around the room. Daria, Jane, and Tom were nowhere to be seen.

"Where the hell did they go?" he asked. He heard faint banging noises and moans coming from one of the closets. "Oh, who cares. I have more important things to worry about right now," he said. "This is Hesh speaking," Hesh replied over the console screen. "Hey, Hesh, um, when Marco fixed that reactor problem last week, how did he fix it?" Sparks asked him.

"The dumbass used freaking duct tape! Lieutenant Junior Grade Ruttheimer is trying to fix it with proper tools right now. That reminds me, Hesh needs to check in with Ruttheimer shortly. I turned off the warning klaxons earlier because they were hurting my ears," Hesh said. "You did what? Why?" Dr. Quinn asked him. "Those things are loud, man! And I mean loud, especially when they're announcing that stuff is going critical, you know?"

"What!?" Sparks and Dr. Quinn both exclaimed.

Two minutes later, Sealab exploded.

Ending Theme: Lithium Flower, by Scott Mathew, Tim Jensen, and Yoko Kanno, from Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex OST 1.

Alternate Ending:

"Saaaaaaaaaannnndiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" Quinn yelled as she tore through the hallway, before she leapt into the air and pounced on Sandi Griffin. She slammed Sandi onto the floor. "You shall pay for your misdeeds, cat-hater!" Quinn snapped before she slammed a fist into Sandi's face. She immediately drew her hand back and held it tenderly.

"Owie! Your face is like a rock!" Quinn cried as she bounced around. "That," Sandi said as she stood up, "Is because I... am a cyborg!" Sandi pulled open the top of her uniform, exposing her bare chest. Tiffany and Jodie both stared at her with blushes on their faces.

"Hmm, Quinn's are better proportioned," Stacey said as she scrutinized Sandi's breasts. Elsie Sloane popped her head out of a vent and began salivating at the sight. Sandi sighed and then pressed her left hand to her chest, causing it to light up as an outline of a square appeared. She then pulled her hand away, also taking part of her chest with it, revealing the circuitry and instruments beneath.

"Oh my god!" Jodie exclaimed. "That is so... unexpected," Tiffany said. "I knew they were fake," Andrea commented. "Wait... Sandi, if you were already a cyborg, then why were you acting so curious earlier about having a robot body?" Stacey asked her. "I never acted curious," Sandi lied. "Yes, you did!" Stacey retorted. "Yeah, that is a huge plot hole... I think!" Jodie exclaimed.

"It doesn't matter," Quinn said, "Sandi insulted kitty-kind!" She assumed a fighting stance, which Sandi reciprocated. "Opponents... Fight!" Elsie Sloane said through her voice modulator. Two health bars appeared in the air, one over Sandi and one over Quinn. The other girls all looked up in curiosity at them.

Quinn rushed forward and punched Sandi in the head repeatedly, until Sandi sent her flying back with a round-house kick to the torso. Sandi jumped in the air and delivered a kick to Quinn once more before jumping back. Quinn leapt up and delivered a sonic boom to Sandi, who blocked it with a shield.

"Oh, come on, Frylock!" Meatwad cried as Frylock repeatedly pressed the combo buttons on the controller to use Sandi's abilities to stun Quinn. "Hey, quit whining, Meatwad. There, I'll give you a chance to get back up. Happy now?" Frylock asked. "Yes," Meatwad said.

"Hey, do you think we should untie Shake?" Meatwad asked Frylock. "No, Meatwad. He likes being tied up and having tape cover his mouth for hours at a time," Frylock lied. "Oh, okay," Meatwad replied.

Chapter Text

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 024 [2-10]: Seriously

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

Excuse Me, Excuse Me…

I guess I'll have to be direct

If you're gonna' stand on my neck

Then you'd better check under the sea

Cause that is where you'll find me

Underneath the Sealab!

Underneath the water

Sealab!

At the bottom of the Sea!

Date: Saturday, December 28th, 2021

The cargo submarine Aquarius made its way through the depths of the Pacific Ocean, staying on course. Inside, however the commanding officer ordered his crew to change course.

Sparks and Daria both looked at the video of the sub. Captain Murphy was dutifully standing behind them, watching the video with interest. "Captain, that cargo sub is heading for trouble," Sparks said. "How so?" Daria asked him. "On their current heading, they're heading directly to Sea Mount," Sparks said.

"Contact Aquarius immediately and notify them of the danger," Murphy said. "Affirmative," Sparks said. "Aquarius, this is Sealab. Come in, Aquarius," Sparks said. "Sealab, this is Aquarius. We're having difficulty reading you, Sealab," replied the radio operator of the Aquarius.

"We can't seem to reach them properly," Sparks said with a frown.

"Stay with them, Sparks," Murphy said firmly.

On board the Aquarius the First Mate saw the danger ahead. "Captain, Sea Mount is dead ahead," he told his commanding officer. "Right. Full rudder," Captain Glenn said. "She won't respond, sir," the navigator reported. "Reverse engines," Glenn ordered. "Reverse engines. All hands, prepare for impact," Glenn said over the intercom.

Aquarius soon rammed into Sea Mount.

In one of the moon pools of Sealab, Marco Marquez was helping a small team of divers prepare for their mission. "Okay, Debbie, Stormy, Barch, and Dr. Quinn, Captain Murphy wants a full damage report and assistance required," Marco said. "Understood," Janet Barch said with a nod. "Good luck, team," Marco said as the divers entered the water.

They all grabbed onto a dive-cart and piloted it towards the submarine's coordinates. The dive cart had some spare air tanks attached to it as well as a timer and pressure measuring instruments.

Inside Aquarius, the engine room was suffering structural damage and the crew was evacuating the room quickly. Back on the bridge, the navigator was reporting their situation to Captain Glenn. "We're stuck fast, Captain, and we're losing power," he said. Captain Glenn saw Mr. Bryan enter the room.

"Mr. Bryan, status report," Glenn ordered. "I've just come from the nuclear reactor room, and it isn't good. The cooling system for the atomic vial is damaged," Bryan reported. "Repair it, it's routine," Glenn said. "We can't get to it! To make things worse, the temperature of the coolant is rising!" Bryan replied.

"Two-nine-five degrees and rising," Glenn said. "Captain, when the temperature reaches above 600 degrees, the reactor goes critical!" Bryan said. "And everything on Sea Mount will be exposed to lethal doses of radiation," Glenn concluded.

The four divers from Sealab soon reached the Aquarius, using scuba-jet-scooters in addition to their dive-cart. "Problems, Brad?" Stormy asked a diver out by the Aquarius. "They've got an oil leak," Brad replied as he pointed at the large cloud of oil leaking from Aquarius. Stormy swam over to Brad. "Rig an air-tent around the damage area and contain the spill," Stormy said.

"Dr. Quinn, please check the extent of that oil leak. Debbie, help him and report to Captain Murphy if it poses a threat to marine life. Barch and I will go inside and see what else needs to be done," Stormy said before he and Barch made their way inside the submarine.

Inside the engineering section, Captain Glenn was working with his crew to fix the damage caused by the crash. "You men shut off the oil-valve and get the reactor hatch open," Glenn ordered. "The hatch is jammed, Captain," Bryan said. "Well, then get some welding tools and cutting torches down here ASAP," Glenn ordered.

At that moment, Stormy and Barch walked over. "Captain, we're from Sealab. Is there anything we can do to help?" Stormy asked him. "Oh, I'm glad to see ya," Glenn said as he extended a hand to Stormy and Barch. They all shook hands.

"Anything you can do will be a big help," Glenn said. "We've got an oil spill," Glenn said. "Oh, the Sealab crew is taking care of that," Stormy said. "We've got some of the best people under the ocean fixing that thing," Barch added. "That's good, because we've got a bigger problem," Glenn said.

"Bigger?" Barch asked him. "Yes. The temperature of our coolant is rising. When it reaches six-hundred degrees, everything goes," Glenn explained. "We've got to bring it under control," Glenn said. "Do you have an estimate or an approximation of how much time we have until that happens?" Barch asked him.

"Maybe five hours, I hope," Glenn replied somberly. "I'd better report back to Captain Murphy and let him know about this," Stormy said. "Murphy? Not Captain Hazel Murphy?" Glenn asked darkly. "Um, yeah. He's in charge of Sealab, along with Captain Shanks," Stormy replied.

"Well, do me a favor and tell Captain Murphy to stay away form my boat!" Glenn said with a frown. "Sure," Barch said suspiciously. "Come on, Stormy," Barch said as they left engineering.

Back on the bridge of Sealab, Murphy was giving orders to Sparks and Daria. "Contact the Navy and the Air Force. Give them the coordinates of our evacuation site. We'll also need additional supplies: re-compression chambers, breathing mixtures, the works," Murphy said to them. "Affirmative," Daria said. "Sealab to Hawaii Naval Base," Daria said. "Sealab to Hawaii Naval Base, please respond," Daria reiterated.

"Now, I'm going to get Captain Shanks over here to oversee things while I take Commander DeMartino with me to see Captain Glenn," Murphy said. "Sparks, this is probably Lieutenant Morgendorffer's first major event here on Sealab. If she needs help with something, help her," Murphy said before leaving the room.

"Lieutenant Barksdale, Lieutenant Commander Marquez, and Commander DeMartino, I need you to help me with something," Murphy said as he addressed the three people in front of him firmly. "Barksdale, you and Marquez will be on standby while DeMartino and I go over to the Aquarius and attempt to communicate with Captain Glenn and make a personal assessment of the damage."

"Stormy and Barch have already returned to the Aquarius, but if we need more manpower, then I'll call for the two of you to come on over," Murphy said. "Aye-Aye, Captain," Amy said with a nod of her head. "Good. Come on, DeMartino. Let's go."

Murphy and DeMartino climbed onto the transport scooter as they made their way to the Aquarius. "I'll bet that you're probably wondering why Captain Glenn would just as well not set eyes on me," Murphy said to DeMartino. "I will admit that I am somewhat curious," DeMartino replied. "After all, Stormy and Barch both made it very plain that you certainly weren't at the top of his friendship list, or people to ask for help in an emergency list," DeMartino added.

"Unfortunately, I believe that your second statement may hit very close to home. In fact, were he aware of my stationing here prior to Stormy telling him, there's a good chance that he would have refused all help from us," Murphy said. "Interesting," DeMartino said. "But why does he hold such animosity towards you?" he asked Murphy.

"I suppose I should fill you in," Murphy said. "We were both in the Navy and I was his superior officer at the time. He was in command of a destroyer and abandoned it when it appeared that it was going to sink," Murphy said. "He seriously can't blame you for that," DeMartino said incredulously.

"That's not what he holds against me. That's only half of the story," Murphy said. "See, it turned out that his judgement call was premature. The destroyer didn't sink. He abandoned it prematurely, and then she went on the rocks. As a result of his decision I gave him a bad efficiency report and he's held a grudge against me ever since," Murphy explained.

The duo soon arrived at the Aquarius. "Hey, there's the team," DeMartino said, pointing at Dr. Quinn, Debbie, Stormy, Barch, and Brad as they held an air-tent of some kind around the oil spill. "Good," Murphy said. "Hey, Brad, can you ask Captain Glenn if he'll be kind enough to receive me on his bridge?" "I can try," Brad replied before swimming away.

"Okay, Commander, let's look things over while we're waiting," Murphy said as he and DeMartino disembarked from the scooter and swam over to the sub. "It couldn't be tighter if they had cemented it in," Murphy commented as he looked at the point where the sub was wedged between the rocks.

"It's wedged in there tight," DeMartino said. "Captain, they've tried to pull it out with their engines in reverse, but there's been no success," Stormy said as he swam over. "In fact, all it's done is raise the temperature in the reactor room," Stormy added. Brad soon swan over to them. "Yes, Brad?" Murphy asked him.

"Captain Glenn doesn't want you on his boat. He was... pretty firm," Brad replied. "Well, that's too bad," Murphy said. "Sir?" Brad asked. "I'm going on board anyway," Murphy said. "The safety of Sealab takes precedence over his desires and petty little grudge," Murphy added.

"Yes," Daria said, "The coordinates are correct. T-Minus two hours." She then ended the transmission, before sighing in frustration. "Hey, you did a good job," Sparks said. "They didn't want to listen to someone who's only sixteen years old," Daria said bitterly. "Yes, and one day it will bite them in the ass. Just remember to be the better person and keep doing your job to the best of your ability," Sparks said. "Thank you, Sparks," Daria said.

"Haven't they cleared that compartment yet?" Glenn asked Bryan. "Soon, Captain. We're working on it," Bryan replied. "Well, how about the cutting torches?" Glenn asked. "They're down there now," Bryan replied. Glenn heard footsteps and looked over to see Commander DeMartino and Captain Murphy.

"Glenn, I've gotta get a look at the Aquarius plans," Murphy said. "So, you came aboard my boat anyway, after I told you to stay out," Glenn said bitterly. "Yes, I did," Murphy retorted with a firm commanding tone. "Don't tell me what to do on my ship, Murphy," Glenn spat.

"It's not only the Aquarius that's in trouble, Glenn; Sealab is in jeopardy as well," Murphy said to him. "And I suppose you're here to say that it's me and my rotten seamanship that got us into this mess, is that it?" Glenn retorted. "No, I didn't say that. Circumstances beyond your control could be responsible for this situation," Murphy said.

"Oh, could be responsible, as though you still believe I'm the primary cause," Glenn retorted. "Glenn, that's not important right now," Murphy said. "The immediate crisis is what's important." "Captain, the temperature is at four-hundred-and-seven and rising!" Bryan said urgently.

Commander DeMartino looked at the thermometers. "If we can't find a way to cool that atomic pod-" "We'd better find a way," Glenn interjected. "Do we work together?" Murphy asked Glenn. Glenn sighed with a frown. "Get the charts, Mr. Bryan," he said.

INSERT SICK, SAD WORLD PROMO SPOT HERE

Captain Glenn looked over the blue prints for the sub. "The collision has caused our backup cooling system to malfunction," he said. "We've gotta cut through this hatch in order to reach the reactor," he said, pointing at a diagram.

"It'll take hours to cut through a nuclear shield, and I doubt that we'll have that kind of time," Murphy pointed out to him.

"Do you know a better way to get in?" Glenn asked him.

"As a matter of fact, I do," Murphy replied. "Cut your way in through the bottom of the sub, where the shielding isn't as thick," Murphy said. "Does that meet with your approval?" Murphy asked Glenn.

"If you can cut through that bottom before the temperature reaches six-hundred degrees, then yes, Captain, it does meet my approval," Glenn replied.

"Thank you, Captain," Murphy said.

Barch handled a hose with precision as she awaited orders from Captain Murphy. "Okay, start the pressure going," Murphy said. He then turned to the others. "Once we get a tunnel under the reactor room, we'll need cutting torches," Murphy said.

"They're ready when you need them," Dr. Quinn said.

"Then we're in good shape," Murphy said.

"Four-hundred-and-eighty-three degrees," Bryan said. "I want all hands off the ship, now!" Glenn ordered. "Yes sir!" Bryan said. He grabbed a hold of the intercom. "Attention, abandon ship! All hands, abandon ship!" Bryan said. Dozens of crew members got suited up and quickly fled the submarine.

"Captain, he's ordered his men to abandon ship," Dr. Quinn said. "Yes, and in this scenario, it's the sensible thing to do," Murphy responded.

Inside engineering, Bryan found Captain Glenn getting some cutting torches and a welding mask prepared. "Captain, you ordered this ship abandoned," Bryan said.

"Yes, and why are you still here, Mr. Bryan?" Glenn asked him.

"Because you are! You don't have to do this," Bryan replied.

"I don't need help for this, Mr. Bryan. I appreciate it, but I ordered all hands to evacuate, and that includes you," Glenn retorted.

"But, Captain, Sealab's crew is cutting through from underneath," Bryan said.

"Maybe they won't be able to get through from underneath in time," Glenn said.

"If we have two teams cutting through, that increases the chances of reaching the reactor room before it's too late," Glenn said.

"Now, abandon ship, Mr. Bryan. That's an order. I'll be in touch with you by radio-phone. Also... thank you, Mr. Bryan," Glenn said.

"Captain Murphy," Debbie reported, "Captain Glenn is still inside. Mr. Bryan says that he's trying to cut his way into the reactor room on his own."

"That idiot!" Murphy exclaimed. "He'll have to insert those carbon rods by hand!" Murphy said with concern. "Without shielding! He'll receive a lethal dose of radiation if he does that! We have to stop him. You all continue with the cutting, DeMartino and I will get in there and try to intercept him before he can get inside," Murphy finished before making his way towards Engineering.

After reaching one of the doors to Engineering, Murphy found that the door was locked from the inside. "Dammit! Is he trying to get himself killed?" Murphy asked.

"Captain, perhaps we can contact him via radio or the intercom," DeMartino suggested.

"Good idea," Murphy said in response.

"Glenn," Murphy said into the radio, "Glenn, answer me now!"

"What do you want, Murphy? I thought you were out cutting the plates," Glenn replied over the radio.

"Glenn, stop this! You'll get yourself killed if you continue without protection or shielding! Stop this stupid plan of yours!" Murphy shouted.

"What's so stupid about trying to reactivate the automatic carbon control system?" Glenn retorted.

"What happens if you can't reactivate it?" Murphy asked him.

"We'll go critical if the carbon rods can't be inserted," Glenn replied.

"Even if you have to do it by hand?" Murphy asked him.

"It may be the only option," Glenn replied.

"Glenn, don't do it! It's too risky!" Murphy shouted over the radio. "Get off this ship!" Murphy said.

"I once abandoned a ship prematurely. Remember that, Murphy?" Glenn replied.

"Yes, Glenn, I remember, but circumstances were different then!"

"You made a very interesting report about it," Glenn responded bitingly.

"I never questioned your courage, Glenn, only your judgement!" Murphy said. Glenn hung the radio back up. "Glenn, come in! Glenn, answer me!"

Back outside, the Sealab team was almost finished cutting through the first plate. Captain Murphy swam over to the group. "How's it coming?" he asked them. "How much time do we have?" Barch asked him. "At the rate things are going, maybe an hour," Murphy said. "It's gonna be close," Dr. Quinn said.

"Closer than you think," Murphy said. "If we don't beat Glenn into that reactor room, he's going try to reinsert the carbon rods by hand if he can't reactivate the automatic system. He'll receive a lethal dose of radiation," Murphy explained. "DeMartino, what's the temperature reading?" Murphy asked over his suit's radio.

"Temperature is reading five-hundred and twenty-eight degrees and climbing!" DeMartino reported over the radio. A minute later, the team managed to pull off part of the hull. "Dr. Quinn, get that hose ready! We've got a breakthrough!" Murphy exclaimed.

"Temperature reading is at five-hundred and forty-one degrees!" DeMartino reported over the radio. "Come on, move it guys!" Murphy said. Stormy swam into the hole. "Any sign of Glenn?" Murphy asked him. "Yes, he's at the reactor door window. I think he can see me," Stormy replied.

"Oh, thank goodness," Glenn said as he turned away and slumped against the door. "Just in time, too." "What the hell was I thinking? Oh, right. Preventing a nuclear incident and saving hundreds of lives," he said to himself sardonically.

"All right, Quinn, start spraying coolant to bring down the temperature," Murphy said. "Yes, sir," Dr. Quinn replied as he steadied the hose. "Stormy, prepare to hook up the main line." Stormy soon swam out of the hole. "It's all yours, Quinn," Stormy said as he swam away.

Dr. Quinn soon began spraying the coolant into the reactor room. "Temperature reading is dropping. Five-hundred and twenty degrees and falling!" DeMartino reported over the radio. "All right!" Stormy said.

"Captain Murphy to Deep Diver. Do you read me, Marco?" Murphy asked. "Yes, Captain. Amy and I have been following the action. Everything looks good. We're bringing the sub in to you guys," Marco said over the radio. "Thank you, Marco. Get ready to take the rest of the crew home," Murphy said. "A few of us still have a job to do," Murphy added.

Later...

Amy stretched her arms as she walked over to Sparks and Daria. Sparks raised an eyebrow appreciatively as she walked over. "It feels good to be back here instead of sitting in that sub for so long," Amy said. "And you'll feel even better tonight," Sparks said with a smirk.

Daria ignored them and focused on monitoring communications. "Captain, the Deep Diver has returned and the crew are safe. How is the sub doing?" Daria asked over the radio.

"Damage is repaired, Daria," Murphy said over his suit's radio.

"Good to hear," Daria replied.

"We'll return to Sealab as soon as the Aquarius is on its way," Murphy added. He, DeMartino, Dr. Quinn, and Barch had stayed behind to help the finishing repairs for the Aquarius. "They're about to test power," Murphy said.

The Aquarius soon began moving out of the rocks and turned itself around.

"Would ya look at her go," Barch said with a smile.

"Yep," Murphy added as the Aquarius continued moving. "Well, team, that's a job well done. Who's up for a celebration tonight? Nothing too fancy or out of control of course, but still nicer than normal," Murphy said.

"Sounds good to me," Barch said.

"I'm thinking we could go to Grizzlebee's or perhaps Pizza-marine," DeMartino suggested.

"Hmm... it has been a while since I've eaten a good pizza," Captain Murphy said.

"We're in the clear, Captain," Mr. Bryan reported inside the Aquarius's bridge.

"Set a course for zero-nine-zero degrees, Mr. Bryan," Captain Glenn said.

"Aye-Aye, Captain," he replied.

"Captain Murphy," Glenn said over the radio, "This is Aquarius."

"Aquarius, you're looking good," Murphy said over the radio.

"Thanks Murphy," Glenn said.

Murphy and the others watched as the sub kept moving.

"We can definitely call this a day," Dr. Quinn said with relief in his voice.

"I think all of Sealab can call this a day to remember," Murphy said to him in response. "I know I will."  Dr. Quinn nodded his head in agreement.

The Aquarius then sped forward, moving with intent, before it finally collided with Sealab, causing an explosion that destroyed the facility.

Murphy and the others simply stared at the scene. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... okay," Murphy said in a bemused tone. He then turned to look at his surviving crew. "So... who's hungry?"

Ending Theme: The Regular Sealab 2021 Ending Theme. It just seems appropriate for this episode.