Work Text:
Let’s make the most of the night
like we’re gonna die young.
The wonderful thing about being Quartermaster, is that Q got to use the decades of previous experience and weapon design that was before him, even if he wouldn’t admit it to a certain double oh agent. An example of which, was the design for the weapons-sighting x-ray glasses Bond had used during the Electra job. Q had seen the potential of implementing the technology as a filter in the CCTV to supplement MI6’s security. The only problem was, with MI6 full of agents who regularly carried guns, grenades and occasionally flamethrowers around, it seemed a bit redundant to M’s eyes. But here’s where Q’s genius came in; Q’s office had a monitor in one corner. That monitor’s charge hopped from camera to camera within their building, running facial-recognition in conjunction with the weapons-sighting filter and noted down who was where carrying what, and then cross-referenced who was authorized to be in the building, sending a message to both Q and M with each unauthorized presence.
It came in extremely handy when some stupid team tried to invade MI6 like they thought the Secret Service would just roll over.
Of course all the cameras indicated they were making their first stop Q branch with intent to kidnap Q as a ransom, so maybe they had a braincell between them. Luckily, Q knew it would take them about five minutes to reach Q branch, and he also knew the ‘improvements’ he could make in those five minutes.
“Marcie, inform M we have six intruders in the building and inform Moneypants she might get to show of her skills if she’s not become too rusty.” Marcie quirked her lips into a smile and marched over to do just that whilst Q watched as the word rippled around his department.
“alright everyone! We’ve got six unknowns who are foolish enough to think that we’re going to be easy pickings. I want four of you on comms, monitoring the cameras and alerting every agent that we have a situation, I want two of you to take ALL the information off the servers onto the smallest drives we have and then turn down the air conditioning in there, a few of you to start wiring the entrance so our ‘visitors’ get a bit shocked by their reception, and the rest of you to start priming all of our weaponry that’s still here. Chop Chop!”
His branch was suddenly a hive of excitement and activity. Q smirked, knowing he’d trained his team well. He liked to occasionally sneak these sorts of drills on them, and he knew they would work efficiently with minimum panic, -which was fantastic for him as he immersed himself in finding out who the idiotic bastards were thinking they could snatch him from his own castle, and who they were working for, so he could ruin their lives.
Three minutes later and R was handing him an earpiece sounding oddly apologetic. “sir, it’s double-oh seven. He’s not going to cooperate until he speaks to you personally.”
Q rolled his eyes, the camera feeds showed that the intruders had chosen their space for a barricade well, leaving two of their men defending the narrowest corridor in the whole of the secret service whilst the other four headed down the elevator and into Q’s domain. All agents had been told to take an opening if they saw it, but to not take any unnecessary risks, and of course Bond was being an idiot.
“Stand down Bond, you don’t want another bullet scar do you? Besides, they only have so many of those, let them wear themselves out before you go into for the kill.”
“Q there are four highly trained mercenaries heading your way, we don’t have time to sit and play ‘patience’-“
“Negative” Q interrupted rolling his eyes once more. Honestly, out of all the stubborn bastards.. He shook his head “you deal with your two, we’ll take care of the rest. Don’t you worry.”
He could hear Bond’s disbelief down the line. “Yeah? And how many of Q branch is going to end up dead or severely injured in the process?!”
Q smirked. “Care to make that a wager? If we sustain more injuries than you lot up there, I’ll buy you dinner and vice versa.”
“I don’t bet on people’s lives, Q” came the terse reply
“And neither do I.” he replied. What part of that was Bond not getting? He was supremely confident in his team getting through this with barely a scratch, and he already knew one of the secondary agents already had a broken leg from foolishly trying to engage one of the intruders head on. He could practically taste the steak that Bond would be buying him – a little bloody, but soft as silk, almost falling off the bone- because Bond simply could not resist a challenge.
“Fine. On your own head be it.”
“Brilliant.” Replied Q, “I take it I can get back to transferring all of our intruders’ finances to various charities now can I? I’ll hand you back over to R. Happy hunting 007.”
When the five-minute mark was up, all of Q branch were waiting with weapons, overturned desks and stacks of computer terminals giving them cover as the intruders swore colourfully at the electrified door that was barring their way. Q alone carried on working, sure that the pane of glass in between the intruders and himself was sufficiently bulletproof for the plan of action he had devised to work.
“Just remember there are four of them, so lets take down two of them before we break out the mini-launcher, yes?” His minions chuckled slightly. “Oh, and try not to get injured, I’ve a bet going with Bond that we’re not as fragile as the double-oh branch think. Maybe if they don’t get too shocked by our prowess, we’ll invite them to our next paintballing session. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
Q grinned slightly manically as his branch replied “Yes boss” almost in unison.
“Alright then. Set phasers to stun. Let’s get this party started.”
The actual fight itself took less than ten minutes. When the intruders finally had the nonce to blow the bloody door off, Jeremy lobbed a grenade into the hole immediately, and the rest of them readied their guns and turned on their laser sights. The intruders quickly found they were heavily outgunned. And that was before Marcia got to play with the mini-launcher.
By the time Bond and Moneypenny reached Q branch, there was three dead intruders by the entrance, and one pinned to a wall as some of the employees who were playing darts with syringes of suspect liquid as their hostage screamed and screamed through his gag. The only Q employee with an injury was Marcie, who hadn’t calculated for the launcher’s recoil, and had hit her head on the wall in the process.
Q was still working at his station; working on the burn phones they’d collected from the dead, trying to trace the numbers to their employer. He was resolutely ignoring the bullet embedded in the glass where his head would have been. The glass had done it’s job. That was all there was to it.
“I’m impressed such a bunch of geeks made this much damage.” Bond opened with as he strode through the wreckage towards Q.
“Come now Bond,” came the cheeky reply, “you of all people should know better than to underestimate us.”
“Me of all people.” Bond replied with amusement.
“Yes. You. Because I believe that makes the running total: sixteen-four, which, frankly, double-oh seven, is worrying, if a simple ‘geek’ can outsmart you like this time and time again.”
“But you’re not just any geek, your our geek.” Bond purred at him causing Q to light up the room with a grin and Moneypenny to groan at the line.
“Thank-you Bond, Moneypants, my winnings please.”
Eve handed over a tenner and explained to a confused James ‘I bet him he couldn’t get you to spout possessives at work without prompting.”
Bond turned to a smug Q “make a lot of bets, don’t you?”
“Only ones I know I will win,” Q grinned “now if you’ve both assessed the threat is gone, you can gladly help us straighten this place up. Oh and Bond? You still owe me dinner later.”
Bond’s only reply was to mutter about cheeky boyish gits and brave new worlds.