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Jeff rested his head on the bass neck and closed his eyes in frustration. Mike and Eddie’s raised voices could be heard loud and clear in the other room. Every damn day someone had to start an argument. Sometimes it was about nothing of real importance to the band. It just seemed like everyone liked to fight, and Jeff was sick of it. He glanced at the clock, and then Stone and Dave. Stone was scribbling something down on a piece of paper, either new ideas or trying to appear busy as the argument outside got more heated. Dave was absentmindedly fiddling with his kit.
‘This is a fuckin waste of time,’ Jeff thought to himself.
They were making zero progress and wasting time. It was a loop that seemed impossible to escape. Someone is pissed off that they’re getting no work done, they pick a fight, and then no work gets done. Jeff was tired of it. The clock read 9:38 pm and he hadn’t eaten since that afternoon.
He missed Mother Love Bone. Sure, they still fought amongst themselves, but it felt so much less intense. With Mother Love Bone, they were well-liked and well-known. They had already proven themselves with a few years of shows to be a decent band. Now, Jeff was a huge fan of Eddie and his singing. However, the new singer has brought about some skepticism among fans and other bands they regarded highly in the scene about the direction of this new band. Eddie is really a sweet guy, but Jeff could tell he had some issues that he hadn’t really dealt with. He didn’t know anything about Ed’s life before Seattle, but he could guess it wasn’t great. He was also the ‘new kid’ and a sensitive guy. Jeff would never blame the guy for his crappy past, but he wished that he could pull his shit together so they could finish the damn record.
The door swung open and Mike barged into the room with a furrowed eyebrow. He silently started to pack his guitar away and Dave got up from behind his kit.. Everyone got the point and began to leave without a word exchanged.
There was still no sign of Eddie.
As he was leaving the studio he thought he heard Stone say his name. He should’ve turned around and checked, but to be honest he didn’t want anything to do with anyone right now. He was tired, hungry, and fed up with the band. All he wanted was to go home and get drunk until he forgot his woes. He got in his car, flipped the radio on and leaned his head against the headrest. The radio crackled to life, “and now for the biggest hits around the globe on January 8….”
Shit, Jeff thought, it’s Andy’s birthday and I completely forgot.
Now he felt guilty for forgetting his dead friend’s birthday and his band was probably about to fall apart.
He was definitely drinking tonight.
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Stone looked up as Mike stormed past him. Nobody said anything for a minute before Jeff got up and silently packed his bass up. He looked almost angry with his eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed into a thin line. Jeff was always the good-natured one in any of the bands that Stone had been with him in. To see him visibly upset unsettled Stone. Dave got up from behind his kit as well, rubbing his cigarette out in an ashtray. Stone followed suit, leaning down to place his guitar in it. Over the faint hum of the ventilation system, he thought he heard a quiet sob coming from the other room. Stone paused, torn in between going after Jeff and checking if Eddie was alright. In the time that he spent pondering, Jeff was probably halfway to his car. He decided that Eddie will survive, and rushed out of the studio. He called out to Jeff’s retreating figure, but was ignored.
Maybe he just didn’t hear me, Stone reasoned with himself. But it still hurt him a bit. As he got in his car, he saw the flowers in the backseat that he got earlier that day. He was planning on going to see Andy with Jeff but forgot to mention it to him with all the studio drama.
With a heavy sigh, he flipped the ignition on and drove home in silence. When he entered his apartment, his eyes lingered on an old polaroid he left on the countertop. It was him, Andy, and Chris, his roommate, backstage at a show. Andy was in the middle with his arms thrown around his and Chris’s shoulders, face alight with joy.
Andy was always so enthusiastic about the music. He always talked about his dreams of getting famous, always under the spotlight and getting all the attention. Now he was gone forever, his body resting six feet under and his soul who knows where. Stone felt his throat tighten and tears threaten to fall as he thought about all the memories they’ll never make together. All because of the fucking herion. His blurry gaze drifted to Chris, he was looking at Andy with that soft smile he reserves only for those he truly cared about.
Stone mentally scolded himself. Chris lived with Andy for a few years. If he thinks that he misses the guy, just think about how Chris feels. He decided to give Chris a call once he pulled himself together. Pushing his misery down, he shuffled over to the phone, dialing his number and leaning against the countertop. After a few rings, Chris picked up.
“Wha’ up Stone?” Chris slurred slightly. He probably wasn’t having the greatest day ever as well.
“Just, uh, wanted to check up on you. Since it’s y’know, Andy’s birthday,” Stone mumbled.
Stone heard the clink of a beer bottle being placed down before Chris replied. “Ah, yeah, doin’ fine. Kept m’self busy writing for the new record, got home and smoked a sweet joint. Got it from Eddie, I swear those San Diego dudes have got the best weed ever.”
Shit, I could use a joint right about now too, Stone thought as Chris paused, probably to take another swing of beer.
“How ‘bout yourself? Record going good?”
Stone sighed, “I wish. We get an idea, jam for a bit, someone disagrees with someone else and then the whole thing blows up. Today it was Mike and Eddie.”
He heard the bottle being set down on the other side of the line once again.
“Eddie?” Chris sounded much more sober now. Stone smirked to himself. He knew that Chris had a bit of the soft spot for the San Diego import.
“Yeah, something about not getting enough time to write lyrics before the instrumentals get scrapped.”
“Well is he alright? Nothing happened, right?”
“No, Mike did not beat him up, Chris,” Stone paused. Despite his small stature, Eddie was no doubt strong and could defend himself against Mike, who on occasion would throw a petty fist when he was a mixture of pissed, drunk, and tired. “I think I might have heard him crying a bit from the other room, but I didn’t want to bother him.”
There was a moment of silence before Chris spoke, “Well good talk, but I think I’ll be, uh, heading to bed now.”
Stone just rolled his eyes as Chris hung up. He’d never seen Chris sleep any time before midnight.
His thoughts drifted back to Jeff. He was worried about his friend. He didn’t even say anything about it being Andy’s birthday. Did Jeff forget? Did he not want to talk about it, even to his boyfriend? Stone sat there as thoughts, overthinking, spun around his head. He loved Jeff, he really did, but the guy was sometimes hard to read. He decided to take a quick shower, and visit Jeff tomorrow.
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When Jeff got home, the first thing he did was crack open a bottle of beer and crash on the couch. One turned into two, two to three, and soon the whole case was gone. He had hoped that the alcohol would numb the pain, but it only made it burn more. Eventually, he passed out on his couch, surrounded by empty bottles.
The next morning, he was woken up by the sun on his face. He tried to get himself off the couch, but quickly became much less motivated to get his day going as he felt a massive headache incoming. Glancing around the room with half-lidded eyes, he tried to remember what happened the day before to cause him to drink so much. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed heavily as he remembered.
Right, you forgot your friend's birthday, your band can’t work together for long enough to write one damn song, and you were an ass to Stone.
He felt many waves of guilt wash over him. What had happened to the cocky bastard who would push Stone’s buttons, not because he hated him, but in an attempt to start something, more, with him. He was always drawn to the guy, always wanting him closer. Now he had Stone, and he was pushing him away.
Jeff sat there a while, wallowing in his misery. A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts. He sighed heavily. He really didn’t want to have to entertain company right now. Also, he didn’t think he was nearly clear-headed enough to get up and walk in a straight line to the door. He decided to ignore them, maybe they’d give up after a while.
His visitor was very determined.
“Jeff! I know you’re in there!”
Shit, Jeff thought to himself. All the hard feelings of being a bad partner to Stone came rushing back to him. The guy was probably worried about him and went out of his way to go check on him, and here he is, ignoring him. Jeff felt tears of shame burn behind his eyes, but he pushed them back.
“Coming,” he choked out, hoping Stone heard him.
He pushed himself off the couch and steadied himself on the arm. On the way to the door, he knocked over a bottle, flinching in his daze as it crashed to the floor. He opened the door to a concerned Stone gazing at him with those beautiful brown orbs. There was worry written all over his gorgeous face. Jeff didn’t know why, but it just caused him to snap, throwing himself into Stone’s arms with a sob.
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Stone was slightly worried and annoyed after arriving at Jeff’s apartment and having his knocks be completely ignored. Finally, after yelling at him through the door, he was met with a miserable-looking Jeff. Before he could even open his mouth to say anything, Jeff collapsed into his arms.
Stone staggered back a step, not expecting Jeff to throw his arms around his frame and stuff his face into his neck, sobbing. After steading himself, he brought his arms around Jeff, one snaking its way around his torso and the other up to the back of his neck.
“Hey, hey, man, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” Stone murmured into Jeff’s shoulder, rubbing his back as he was not sure what else to do. After a few minutes, Jeff let go of Stone.
“Hey there,” Stone said with a small smile.
“Hi,” Jeff responded with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Stone brought his hand to Jeff’s jaw and wiped away the tears with his thumbs. He saw the older man relax under his touch, closing his eyes.
“I’m cold, can we go inside?” Stone gently inquired.
“Yeah, sorry,” Jeff said as he stepped aside to let Stone in.
“Don’t be.”
Stone walked over to the couch, noting with slight alarm all the beer bottles that surrounded it. Noticing the shattered glass, he told Jeff to sit on the couch while he cleaned it up. When he was finished up, he sat down next to Jeff, who was watching him the whole time. His normally sharp, observant eyes were clouded with sadness. Stone gently reached over and grabbed Jeff’s hand in his, rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb. He was rewarded with Jeff finally relaxing his tensed shoulders and shifting to rest his body against Stone’s, tucking his head under Stone’s chin. Stone responded by leaning back on the couch and gently rubbing his back the way he knew Jeff loved.
They stayed like that a while, each taking comfort in the presence of their other half. Eventually, Stone piped up.
“You want to talk about it?”
Jeff moved his head off of its place on Stone’s chest and sat up.
“Lots of things, I guess. Forgot about Andy’s birthday and felt like a piece of shit for it.”
Stone nodded sympathetically, hand moving to gently rub his back.
“Not to mention how bad things are going with the band. We can’t even get one song written and recorded without someone having a fight,” Jeff said with a heavy sigh. “I just miss Andy and Mother Love Bone. We weren’t perfect, but at least we knew that we could get shit done when we really needed to.”
“I feel you, I really do. But, I think it’ll improve. Remember in Green River, we hated each other’s guts?”
“Yeah, yeah, I sure do.” There was still a distant look in his eyes. He leaned his head against the back of the couch, closing his eyes. Stone leaned over and gently kissed Jeff’s cheek, cupping his jaw with the other. Jeff leaned into Stone’s hand and sighed. Stone moved to gently press their lips together. Jeff didn’t escalate and Stone didn’t want to push him, so he pulled back. His hand moved to massage Jeff’s shoulder as the bassist looked at him through half-lidded eyes.
“Love you, man,” Jeff mumbled.
“Love you, too. Have you eaten yet?” Stone inquired.
Jeff shook his head no. Stone squeezed his hand once more and got up to scavenge for some edibles. Jeff got up and followed right behind him, pressing his chest against Stone’s back and looping his arms around him as Stone looked through the fridge.
“Eggs sound ok?” Stone asked, leaning back slightly into Jeff.
He received a nod of approval against his shoulder. As he tried to move, Jeff still clung to him.
“Dude, you’ve got to let me move around,” he complained to Jeff.
Jeff huffed loudly, but moved away a bit. Stone turned a bit towards Jeff. He looked less sullen than before, maybe just a little hung over.
“Did you have any plans for today?” he asked the bassist.
“No, not really.”
“Well, I’ve got some flowers that I was going to take for Andy yesterday, but things went a little long in the studio. Want to come along today?”
Jeff’s eyes perked up a little. Stone knew he loved going on drives with him, and Bremerton was about an hour out of Seattle. “Yeah, yeah that sounds good.”
Stone smiled at his boyfriend, admiring his features. In his swooning over Jeff, he neglected the eggs on the stove that were very close to burning. Jeff has to point it out, then tease him for it.
As they ate ‘breakfast’ Stone saw a little shift in Jeff. Before he was mumbling and sullen, now he seemed more lively. It broke his heart to see his boyfriend down, so Stone himself began feeling lighter as well.
After finishing off the rest of the eggs, the duo climbed into Stone’s car. It was less of a shitbox than Jeff’s, which got worse gas mileage than a jet, it seemed. They drove in silence for a bit until Jeff reached over and tugged at Stone’s right hand, demanding it. With an affectionate eyeroll, Stone entwined their hands on the center console. The rest of the trip flew by in comfortable silence. It was a beautiful day, one of few in the infamously grey Seattle.
Soon enough, they arrived at the cemetery. Stone got out first and grabbed the flowers with one hand. He tentatively grabbed Jeff’s hand with his free one, gauging his reaction. Openly gay couples weren’t necessarily accepted yet, and would get you called a slur after enough time. He knew that Jeff was a little uncertain when it came to expressing their relationship outside of their group.
However, this time Jeff happily took his hand and even gently kissed Stone’s head.
The mood turned more solemn as they walked through the cemetery.
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Jeff noted the countless headstones, all with an inscription. Some were elders, and some were young people. All those young people must’ve thought they had their whole life ahead of them, Jeff pondered as they strolled through. It was a reminder to him to appreciate what he was given today. Currently, the main thing was Stone.
Stone, Stone who put up with his bullshit all the time. Stone who helped him home when he got messed up after his previous girlfriend dumped him. Stone, who went to check on him after a bad day. Their lives were a wild ride, but Jeff knew that he wanted Stone with him. He was pulled out of his thoughts as they stopped at the granite wall with Andy’s name on it.
Stone put the flowers down and gazed at the name with a sniffle. Jeff instinctively moved closer, rubbing his arm in an attempt to comfort him. Stone leaned into Jeff, until Jeff was holding Stone strongly against his body, chin resting on his shoulder, as they gazed at Andy’s name engraved on the wall. Jeff closed his eyes, wondering what Andy would think of him and Stone. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Andy figured out the mutual attraction before him or Stone realized. Only, in the wake of Andy’s death did Jeff and Stone realize they needed each other more than their other friends.
Although they were both reluctant about showing their ‘forbidden’ love in public, currently, neither seemed to care.
“You think he’d be proud of us?” Stone whispered.
Jeff placed a quick kiss to Stone’s cheek, “yeah, yeah I think he would be.”
After a moment more, Stone looked up at the sky, and Jeff followed suit.
“We miss you man, so damn much. We got a new guy, he’s pretty great, but it’s not the same without you”, Stone whispered. He then turned to Jeff.
“Do you think we’re ever going to see him again?”
Jeff smiled, “Yeah, I do. Sometime. Hopefully not anytime soon though.”
Stone also cracked a smile, a genuine one.
Jeff lightened at his lover’s mood as they exited the cemetery. Once back in the car, Jeff leaned over the console, cupping Stone’s face and kissing him deeply. When they parted for air, Jeff mumbled a quiet I love you. Stone looked down with a shy look on his face before kissing Jeff. Love you too, he whispered against Jeff’s lips.
Practice the next day was much better. Eddie seemed in a much better mood, with a small smile forming on his lips at seemingly random moments. Mike teasingly punched him in the shoulder when he caught him in the act, with Eddie looking embarrassed. Stone and Jeff looked at Mike with confusion. Later, Mike mouthed at them. The duo looked at each other and shrugged. They ran through some concepts they had, solidified a few more, and went out to the bar afterwards. Everyone was in high spirits for the rest of the night, and into the following days and weeks.