Chapter Text
I like fall, It's pretty quite here, You can almost hear your own footsteps, but because the strong wind, making the leaves sound like a loud whispering audience, it kinda hard, There's something about fall makes me feel safe and warm, not sure if that's what I feel, Since I don't know what safe feels like, I watched as a fragile leave slowly falling down on the ground, Like it weren't ready to fall, feeling lonely even though its surrounded by other leaves, Staying still in that spot, and that's how I accidentally came to this life,
It's weird how I remember every single fight my mum had with dad, A normal kid would secretly stay up to play video games or watch TV, While I stay up because I can't sleep of how loud they're, but it end up being a routine for me, Sitting on the cold hard stairs, Listening to them fighting, Flinching every now and then, I was a helpless child who was afraid his parents will get divorce, By the end you would hear my sobs filling the dark night, and with a Iittle of the moonlight sneaking through my window, and my nights just ends like that.
I hate when I think about it, shaking the flashback out of my head, while walking my way from school to the hospital, it's kinda long but I don't mind it, I actually enjoy it, I looked down, focusing on my shoes, trying to get my mind off everything, I got in, I gave the recepionist a small smile, She got used to me by now, Coming here every day for the last 5 years, I don't think that easy to forgot, we often have a small talk, about school and If I was okay or I need anything, she's really nice, I made my way to mum's room as I overthink everything, Preparing my sad smile, not that I don't like coming here, I love to come here, just to see my mum's warm smile, and it feels like home in her arms, but with everything School, mum's illness, my work, the Voices in my head that will never shut up, it just too hard to keep up,
but I when I got in and saw my mum's beautiful warm smile, like always, I forgot my problems and all that shit, for a moment everything was okay, for a moment the voices stopped, for a moment I felt less sad, but that's okay because she's there smiling at me like I was the light in her darkness, I approached her, hugging her tightly, filling my nose with her smell, she barely can rub my back, and that's where I felt a lump in my throat, She made a room for me to sit, I keep on smiling, looking at her, I was gonna ask her how is she doing, but then something got my attention,
"What are those for?" I Furrowed my eyebrows, Staring at the new pills, That where on the nightstand,
"Oh it's nothing, don't worry about it" I looked at her with worried eye, making sure she was telling the truth, Her eyes were pleading me to let go of the subject, She suddenly coughs roughly, closing her eyes
I got up to get the water but she stops, I sat back rubbing my thumb inside her palm nervously, "You okay?" I said quickly, afraid my voice would betray me,
"I'm fine" she said with a smile, opening my mouth to ask her, she quickly said "Enough talking about me, How are you doing sweetheart? Are you eating well?" She lightly traced her fingertips across my cheeks, like she's afraid I might break, I wanted to know what those pills are for, but I don't want to upset her, I need to ask the doctor later, I shook my head with a smile resting on my lips,
"Mum" I said with a chuckle,
"What?, I'm serious, You get thinner and thinner every time I see you" She said frowning,
"I swear I'm eating good, Don't worry" I said, holding her hands, and looking her in the eyes, hoping she doesn't see the white lie, She pause for a moment before speaking again,
"Okay, Okay I believe you" She said giving in, Raising her hands up, I smiled, A big one,
"Now tell me how's school?" She said, Looking around for the remote of the TV, trying my best not remember what happened at School, I thought by now I'll get used to it, but I still get sick every time someone mention school, "Good",
We kept talking about everything and anything, and me joking around of course, until mum told me to do my homework, after that we had dinner, and the visit came to an end,
Her eyes were closed, I Lend to plant a kiss on her forehead, she smiled her warm sweet smile, opening her eyes slowly, "Goodnight" I whispered,
"You too" She whispered back tiredly, I Walked towards the door, I looked back at her one more time, she looks so peaceful, drowning in the white sheets, resting her head on the pillow with a little smile on her lips, and that's exactly what keeps me going in this life, I got out, carefully closing the door behind me, I almost forget to talk to the doctor, I'm so tired, probably because I didn't get enough sleep,
I found a nurse on my way to the reception, that's always working with Dr. Hill,
"Hi, can I see Dr. Hill?" She looked for a moment trying to recognize me,
"Sure, Just go to the waiting room, I'll call him for you" I nodded, Heading to the waiting room, I stayed there for 15 minutes before I saw the doctor approaching me, I stand up quickly,
"Hello Newt, how are you doing?" He said with a kind smile,
"Fine" I said, returning the smile, "So I was wondering about the new pills" I said carefully watching him, his smile dropped,
"Oh those are just vitamins" He said smiling again, he patted my shoulder "Don't worry kid, just go home, have some rest" I Stood still for a minute, Staring at him, Hesitation to move, because he definitely not telling the truth, I finally nodded, I made my way through the quiet hall with the loud voices in my head, and I thought to myself what if home is a person.
*
it's been like this for the past 3 months, spending time with mum, chatting, laughing, crying, until today I felt something odd about her,
She was smiling a lot, playing with my hair more than usual, leaving little touches in my cheeks, she's was giving me a lot of loving, staring at everything I do, like trying to remember every single detail about me, don't get me wrong, I love being like this, but there's something different, She's hiding something, I started to worry,
"Mum is everything okay?" I said, Knitting my eyebrows together, with eyes full of worry, looking at her, She sighed,
"Love, you're too young to worry about everything" She looked down for a second, then looked back up, with a small smile, reaching out her hands, holding my hands tightly,
"Promise me one thing" She lowered her head, to meet my eyes,
"Just don't worry and overthink too much, Okay?" I nodded my head, seeing her eyes sparkling making the lump in my throat tighten, looking down on our hands tangled up, feeling like I'm putting her on a lot pressure because of me, and all I wanted to do is to make her worry less about me, but I'm doing the opposite thing,
"I'm sorry" I whispered, trying to hold back tears, my vision slowly getting blurry, "I put you through a lot, I didn't mean to, I was trying not to let you worry abo-" My voice cracks, I sob, There's so many reason why I'm crying right now, I think that I had enough, holding my shit together, was too much for me,
She wrapped her arms around me, bringing me closer to her chest, putting her hand on my head softly streaking it, and with that I let the tears cover my cheeks, I keep whispering sorry while she keeps stroking my hair, we stayed like this what felt like an hour, she pulled back, wiping my tears with her thumbs, I opened my eyes I saw that she have been crying too,
"Now enough crying" She said, I stared at her, she cupped my face gently in her hands,
"I worry about everything, that's what mum's do, don't you ever feel bad about it" I nodded and hugged her again, feeling her warm arms around me, I pulled back,
"Come on, let's play Uno" She said all of sudden, I chuckled,
when the nurse came to remind us that's the visit about to end, I got up and hugged mum, she hugged me longer than usual holding me tightly, I pulled back and smiled at her, and she gave me that bright smile of hers, there was something different about her today but I don't know what, I kissed her forehead, "Goodnight" and with that I walked towards the door, glancing at her before leaving,
*
I heard something go off, I think it's the alarm, twisted my body and felt around with my hand searching for the clock, I clicked the button, but it didn't stop, I knitted my brows in a frown, confused, I realized it was my phone ringing, I half opened my eyes tiredly, reaching out my hand, I hit the green button before putting it on my ear,
"Hello, is this Newt Foster?" The sound of the woman rang through my ears,
"Yes" I answered, Confused how she knows my name,
"I'm calling from the hospital, We need you to come as soon as you can" the woman says, and there's a worrying sympathetic tone to her voice, realization hitting me, my eyes got wide open that I start to panic, I hung up and I got off the bed and walked to where the jacket was, I put it on, I slipped my sneakers, took the keys and head out,
*
"Where can I find Grace Foster?" I asked in hurry tapping my fingertips against the cold hard stone, She looked through the computer for few minutes before looking at me again,
"Third floor, Go straight then take right, but she's on-" I didn't listen to most of what she said, I just needed to know where my mum is, I walked to the elevator, forgetting she was even talking, I hit the button several times, my nervousness is getting the best of me, I entered the elevator, hitting number 3, tapping my foot against the ground, my hands start to shake, waiting in there felt like hours, my thoughts are eating me alive, I got out and went where the woman told me to go, I saw a nurse get out of the door,
"Is Grace Foster in there?" I asked, He answered with a simple yes, I was about to walk pass him to get into the room,
"Hey you can't go in there" he blocked my way,
"What do you mean I can't go in there?" I said, clenching my teeth "It's my mum" I yelled pushing him but he was way more stronger than me,
I keep yelling at him, trying to push him away, more nurses came around, I was mad, I was mad at myself more than at them, I can't take this, more hands wrapped around me now, pulling me back,
"You can't take her away from me" I yelled at the top of my lungs, tears filling my eyes,
"She's the only one left for me" I yelled again, tears streaming down my cheeks, sobbing, nurses surrounding me, trying to calm me down for a bit, it became hard to breath, the voices in my head won't fucking shut up, slowly I felt myself calming, feeling dizzy, my vision getting darker, I felt the buzz around me stop, I got a familiar feeling, I felt numb,
*
I turned looking through the window, after Mrs. Parker got me out of the hospital, My mum's best friend, they were more like sisters, the only one mum can trust, she instead putting her number in the hospital in case of emergency, so I wasn't surprised seeing her, the first thing she did when she saw me was hug me, she didn't even try to ask me if I was okay, which I'm thankful for, she held me tightly just what my mum always does but she doesn't have the warm feeling my mum had, but it was nice to have someone there to just hug you and hold you like this, she told me everything will be okay, I know isn't going to be okay, I know I'm going through hell right now, I know that mum was the one putting the broken pieces together, I know she was the only one kept me alive, I know the voices in my head are right, I'm breaking and I won't take it, I just stayed still, stared into nothing, looking forward, Not hugging her back, She took a flight this morning just to get here, that what she told me, she looked tired, I can tell she have been crying, we sit in silence, besides the driver hand tapping on the wheel along with the song that I could barely hear because of the loud voices in my head, I felt her glancing at me every now and then, but I just don't care anymore,
*
Black suit, Black tie, Standing there as I watched the few people who came to the funeral crying, the sun shone brilliantly and the virescent colour of the fall day under it's glare was offensively bright and cheerful. It was as if they conspired to show me how the world would go on without her. It shouldn't. Everything should be as grey and foggy as my emotions, it should be cold and damp with silent air. but the birds still sang and the flowers still bloomed,
Surrounded by people I never met, my mum didn't have a lot of friends or siblings, she doesn't talk about her siblings though, so I don't really know them since I never actually met them, I was thinking while Mrs. Parker stood beside me trying her best not to cry, rubbing my back, I'm supposed to cry, feel guilty, maybe even angry, but I don't feel anything at all, except the feelings I always felt, empty and numb,
*
I wake up the next morning feeling sick, feeling my stomach turning over, warm putrid feeling rising up my throat, I got up and ran to the bathroom, throwing up all the food I had last night with Mrs. Parker, the vomit came up looking like clam chowder and smelling like acidic Cheetos, Leaving a taste of vomit on my tongue, I sit there for few minutes, getting up was kinda hard for me,
after washing my face with a cold water, I walked down the stairs, seeing Mrs. Parker in the kitchen, She turned around facing me,
"Should I make you some breakfast?" She asked softly like her voice might give me headache, reminding me of the bitter taste on my tongue, I shook my head, I don't feel like speaking ever since I got out of the hospital,
"Do you want coffee then?" She asked carefully watching my face, she was worried that I didn't cry or yell, I nodded, she smiled before turning, her back facing me,
"Go sit in the sofa while I do the coffee, yeah?" She said, turning her head a little to see if I made any move,
I got out of the kitchen and walked into the living room, I sit on the coach while staring at the TV, not knowing what was on, I zoned out, I was into deep thinking that's I didn't realize Mrs. Parker sitting beside me handing me the cup of coffee,
"Here you go" She said sitting next to me, Stretching her hand out, Handing me the coffee,
"Newt, Honey" She said softly cutting my thoughts off, I looked at her, then looking down on the cup of coffee, realizing what she's doing, I took it quickly,
"Sorry" I said quietly but came more like a whisper, she gave me sympathetic smile then nodded,
We sit in silence, only the sound of sipping you can hear, and the sound of TV playing some random show, I finished the coffee, putting the cup on the coffee table in front of me, Leaning back and exhaling deep, Then suddenly Mrs. Parker turned towards me, holding my hand, I don't know what's she's doing but I feel her gaze on me, I turned looking at her, not knowing what's she wants, but it's looks like there's a long speech, her eyes were showing pity and nervousness, what is she nervous about?,
"I need to tell you something" She said, looking directly at me, I nodded for her to keep going, she sigh,
"I know this is gonna be hard" She sigh again, "The thing is, You gonna come with me" She looked at me, waiting for my reaction,
"What do you mean?" I looked at her confused,
"You gonna live with me in my house from now on" I stared at her, like all of sudden I don't understand what she's saying, I start shaking my head,
"No, no" I quickly stand up, feeling my anxiety kicking in "I can't" I said, "Ne-" She said standing up, trying to keep me calm,
"No this is my home" I said, breathing heavily, "You don't understand"
"I know I know" She said while trying to rub my arms, I back away,
"No you don't" I said yelling, "This is the only thing left for me" trying to hold back tears because I promised myself that I won't cry again "Now you're trying to take the only thing I have, my memories" I whispered the last part, She hugged me, this time I didn't back away, I stood still, I can feel she was crying, her tears falling on my shoulder, she pulled back, sitting on the coach again, wiping her tears,
"Can you at least hear me out first?" She said tapping on the coach, telling me to sit, I made my way to the coach and sat down, not looking at her, She sigh,
"Your mum wants you to move in with me, I understand that's it hard and all that, and I know that I won't understand how you feel, but that was the only favor she ever asked me while she did a thousand of favors to me" She stared down on her hands,
"Are you going to sell the house?" I said, scared of her answer,
"No of course" She said quickly, I can feel her eyes on me,
"Look whenever you want to come here, I will buy you the tickets, even if you want to go for the weekend" She rubbed my arm, I nodded,
"When did she tell you she wants me to move in with you?" I said softly,
"six months ago" I nodded again,
"I will let you think about it, take your time, okay" She said standing up, I finally looked at her,
"When are you going to leave?" I said,
"After four days" She said, she realized something then looked at me worried,
"Do you want me to extend it?" She said quickly,
"No, four days are enough" I said while standing up, "I'm going to my room" I said making my way to the stairs,
"Well I'm going to the grocery, do you want anything?"
"No" I said a bit loud so she can hear me then I closed the door to my room, my thoughts are wandering around, making me feel like crying again,
*
"Come on newt, we gonna be late" Mrs. Parker yelled downstairs while I looked around my room one last time before closing the door, pulling my baggage behind me, trying to remember everything in this house, I decided to say yes about moving in with Mrs. Parker but I felt selfish, and guilty, making my mum worry about me all the time even when she was sick, making me want to say no even more but I felt bad for Mrs. Parker, She really cares about me and mum a lot, she treats me like her son but I felt like I was a burden that she will carry for the rest of her life, I sigh, I shook my head while putting the last bag in the trunk, and I got in the cab,
*
I never been on a plane before, my anxiety was on, I was really scared, clenching on my seat every time the plane bounce, feeling sick looking at the window, I shiver when there's an announcement, I panicked a lot, I stayed awake scared something might happen, every now and then Mrs. Parker tries to comfort and calm me, it worked for few minutes, Now I can say that my first time on a plane was the worst, It got even worse because of how long the flight was,
We got out of the plane pretty quickly, I was alarmed about everything, how crowded the airport was, we got out waiting for a cab, my first time wasn't only worst but also embarrassing,
There is nothing more embarrassing than going through security and getting beeped. then the awkward rub down from the security man. I don't know if it is just me but at time like this I get so nervous that I almost make it look like I have something to hide. Just madness, I chuckle to myself,
I saw Mrs. Parker waving for me to come, I dragged our bags, It was too hard to do that alone but I didn't complain, we got in the cab, she gave him the address and he drive off, following the GBS, I laid back looking outside the window, slowly my eyes closing itself, I end up sleeping through the whole way, I woke up by Mrs. Parker shaking me softly, I heard her saying something but I don't know what was it, I rubbed my eye with the back of my hand, tiredness taking over me, trying to shake off the sleep,
I opened the door, I was about to walk towards the trunk but the view stopped me, it was enough to wake me up, I opened my eyes wide open, not believing what I'm seeing right now, They live in a fucking mansion, I didn't know they were 'that' rich, I wasn't poor actually but not rich either, the mansion build in a very modern style, the windows were all glass, the gate surrounded with a beautiful indie design but it was matching the mansion perfectly, Lovely White flowers were in every corner and in the driveway, The grey color was a good choice for the mansion, Even though it was a small mansion, it was huge to me, I stared at the house what felt like hours, I heard Mrs. Parker chuckling,
"Come on" pushing me by my back, "I can't wait to show you your room" She said with a voice full of excitement,
"Okay just let me get the bags first" I said quickly,
"Don't worry about it" She said, I walked with her, looking at every beautiful detail, we got in, she started showing me around the house, like the living room, the games room, the pool, It was like the dream house everyone wish for,
"No one's home right now but Thomas should be here soon" She said breaking the silence as we entered the kitchen,
"The most thing you gonna love about this kitchen is" She walked toward a pantry, "This" She said as she opening it, I stared at it with heart eyes, it was full of different kind of chips, chocolate and candy, I'm such a sucker for chips though,
"Go ahead take whatever you want" She said with a smile,
"No thanks I'm good right now" She looked at me for few seconds then sigh
"Okay but if you want, you know where to find it, Just make yourself at home" She said while walking toward the stairs, I followed her, when I got to the top of the stairs, I looked at the long hallway,
"The room with two door is my room" She said pointing at the room on the left, "And on the other side is my office" I nodded we walked a little further, "Then you have the library on the right"
"a library?" I asked confused, wondering if I heard that right,
"Yes a library" She said giggling,
"Wow" That's all I could say, I was amazed,
"That's Thomas' room and the opposite of it, is your room" She said walking towards my room, "Go ahead open the door" she said excitedly,
I opened it, what I saw left me paralyzed, black king bed with white walls, the room was big and simple,
"I didn't decorated because I want you to do it yourself" She said,
I looked around, something got my attention at the far long really long desk, I walked closer, My eyes got wide, touching it carefully, "How did yo-" I said but she cut me off,
"I remember your mum telling me that you like to draw" I stared looking at the full set of pencils and marker, So many amazing colors, the set for sketching, I couldn't believe this, It will coast me a whole year to get this, I was seeing all the way to the end of the desk, I gasped, There was a tablet, A fucking drawing tablet, It was big, That type of tablet is very expensive, like very very very expensive, I wasn't that good to use that type,
"did you like it?" She asked, I turned around quickly to face her,
"I'm sorry, I just, I can't take all these" I said,
"Oh please come o-" She said but I cut her off,
"No seriously I can't" She put her hand on my shoulder
"Look" She said with a sigh "I know you've been through a lot in your life and I'm not doing this out of pity" I stared at her, "I want you to feel welcome here" She sigh again staring at the ground, I guess she remembered something "And just be happy, Yeah?" She looked at me with teary eyes, there was so much I wanted to say but I just nod, suddenly she hugged me, it made me relax a bit,
"I don't want to be a burden" I whispered,
"You're not" She pulled out to look at me, "This is something I would do to my son" a smile making it way to her lips "Don't you ever think I would treat you two differently" I smiled, That's a good thing I guess,
"I don't want to hear you say that again, Okay?" I nodded, "Now you should get some rest" She walked toward the door, "Oh I almost forgot" She turn around, "You and Thomas are sharing the bathroom" I nodded, "If you don't want to, You can use the guest bathroom" She was about to close the door,
"Mrs. Parker" I said quickly, She turned her face to look at me, waiting for me to continue,
"Thank you about this, everything" I said with a little bit of nervous crawling in my stomach, I looked down then back at her, She smiled,
"No need and if you want you can call me jess" She said and closed the door,
I turned around looking at the room, blowing away by it, but then I hear a knock on the door,
"Come in" I said turning to face the door,
"Just wanted to tell you dinner will be ready at 9" Mrs. Parked said with a smile,
"Okay" I said, She closed the door once again while I continue admiring the room,
I was messing with my phone until it was finally 9, I was starting to get hungry, I got up and walked out of my room and towards the stairs, I heard a few laughters coming out of the kitchen, I made my way there, as I was I walking I heard someone say
"Thomas stop it, dinner is almost ready" and she didn't sound like Mrs. Parker, I got to the doorway,
"But I'm starv-" He stopped what he was saying when he noticed me, Mrs. Parker turned,
"Oh Newt perfect timing" She said while preparing the plates, and that got the other woman's attention, it made me nervous with all those eyes on me, feeling my face heat up,
"Newt, This is Carla, our amazing chef, And that's Thomas, My disrespectful son" She said the last part with a smile, "Hey" Thomas said to her with a pouty face, She giggled,
I waved at them with a shy smile,
"Jess, You didn't tell me that he will be this cute" Carla said while walking towards me,
I blushed, like my face could get any redder, She was a middle aged woman with a dark skin and beautiful grey eyes,
"Welcome to the family kid" She pulled me into a hug, It took me by surprise and warmed my heart, everyone was so nice here, this isn't a bad idea after all,
We sat on the dinner table, Carla filled my plate, She was more like a part of this family than just a worker here, she sit next to me, and I started digging, they were talking and laughing, Thomas saying stupid jokes, Carla arguing with him, I never tried this, being with different people, The noise, even if I prefer the silence, It's nice to have this once in awhile, I stayed quiet, It's so obvious that I don't belong here,
"I guess you're not much of a talker? or you being shy?" Carla said looking at me, I open my mouth to answer,
"He doesn't talk that much" Mrs. Parker responded instead, which I'm thankful for,
"Oh okay", She continued talking,
I was helping Carla carrying the dishes, I guess it's something I'm used to do with mum, while Mrs. Parker went to the kitchen and Thomas following her, I entered the kitchen,
"Thomas not now" She said with a stern look, I cough, they both turns to face me,
"Where should I put these?" I said looking at the plates on my hands, not wanting them to see me blushing,
"Here please" She said pointing at the space between her and Thomas,
I walked my way while I felt Thomas gaze burning my skin, I don't even know why is he glaring at me, oh nothing just a complete stranger living with them and sharing the bathroom with him, my mind replayed,
"Jess no need, I can do the dishes" Carla said as she put the tray away,
"No It's okay" She said continue doing the dishes, I followed Carla then came back to the kitchen, carrying food, we kept going back and forth until we finished, I stood at doorway,
"Goodnight" I waved at them,
"Goodnight" Mrs. Parker said,
"Sleep tight" Carla said smiling at me, I smiled back, and the minute I'm out of their sight, I hear
"Who the fuck is he?" Thomas said, then someone whispered something,
"I don't care, Who the fuck is he?" Thomas said louder this time, by now I was walking up the stairs, I barely could hear anything, I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I can't help but to worry, maybe I shouldn't have said yes, this is such a bad idea I knew it, suddenly I hear someone yell "What?" That's probably Thomas, the bark of his voice surprised me that I missed a step,
I couldn't hear the rest but then I heard footsteps, I looked down, he was walking backwards,
"Yeah why don't we open our house for orphan kids isn't that a great idea" He said mocking while throwing his hands,
I walked faster, feeling my anxiety kicking in, I think he noticed me, cause his footsteps on the stairs now,
"You don't even let Jason sleep for one fucking night" He yelled,
"You know why becau-" She yelled back,
"Bullshit" he shouted at the top of the stairs, I walked a little bit faster, I'm trying my best not to make it obvious, It was kind of a long hallway,
"Hey you, Newton" He said, my breath caught in my throat, no one calls me that beside my dad, I turn around to face him, forgetting about my anxiety,
"It's Newt" I glared at him, He's walking slowly towards me,
"Whatever" he got closer, suddenly grabbing my shirt, pulling me closer to him, I looked at his hands surprised and then up to him, and I wish I didn't, I wish I didn't met his eyes, they flashed with indignance and anger, much like lightning on a pitch black night, The color of his eyes were like mocha, even though he was looking at me darkly, There was something so welcoming in the rich browns,
"Don't get too happy, it won't last long" He said with a deep raspy voice, then let go of me and went to his room, slamming the door roughly, It echoed through the long hallway,
I stared at where he was, that now became blank, and then looked at his door, I Shook my head while entering my room, I crawled to the bed, I didn't realize how tired I was until my back hit the bed, I stared at the ceiling, everything happened too quickly, It feels like just yesterday I was watching a movie with my mum and now I'm living with my mum's best friend in a fancy mansion, That her son's gonna make my life a living hell,