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Bert sat on his couch in nothing but sweatpants, eating a bowl of Reeses Puffs and watching some trashy morning entertainment news show. Quinn, who had just arrived at his apartment a few minutes ago, sat next to him enjoying the same cereal. “Did you hear that people are speculating that Jennifer Lopez might be pregnant with Ben Affleck's baby?” Bert asked with a mouth full of puffs.
“Yeah. Nuts. That kid is gonna have superpowers. At least one superpower,” Quinn replied with a nod as the tv screen displayed photos of Jennifer Lopez's possible baby bump, “Why are we watching this?”
“I don’t know. Kelly likes this channel. I just turned the tv on this morning and this was already on, so I just left it,” Bert replied, referencing his current girlfriend. Kelly didn’t live with him, but she was at his apartment a lot. She was there now, in fact, getting ready to go meet her parents for lunch, and Bert’s statement had not been a lie; she did like E!News quite a bit and she had slept over the previous night. Despite this, however, he made no effort to reach for the remote.
“You like it,” Quinn stated with certainty, popping a spoonful of Reeses Puffs into his mouth and grinning as he crunched away, “I bet that’s like, a secret hobby of yours. You probably know a ton of weird things about celebrities.”
Bert threw his head back in laughter, almost spilling his cereal milk. “I kind of do, though. I wouldn’t call it a hobby, but I do know a surprising amount of useless information about celebrities.”
Quinn nodded, quite aware of this fact already. “Do ever think about how we’re celebrities? I mean, they don’t talk about us on E!News, but we’re like those people in a way. People want to know things about us. Isn’t that weird to think about?”
Bert scrunched his forehead in deep thought as he crunched on his current bite of cereal. “I guess most people think that celebrity-dom is a feeling, when really it’s not a feeling at all. It’s just a fact.”
Quinn was considering Bert’s words and was about to respond when Kelly’s shriek came from down the hall. “You’re still smoking, Bert?” her distant British accent exclaimed.
“No, I told you I quit. How could you accuse me of such a thing?” Bert yelled, his eyes back on the tv screen.
They heard footsteps as Kelly came marching down the hallway, and then she emerged into the living room, becoming an efficient barrier between Bert and the television. She held out a small red and white box close enough to Bert’s face that he had to adjust his eyes before he realized what it was. She dropped the box in his lap and placed one hand on her hip. “Now you’re lying about it?” she questioned incredulously.
Bert slid the box into the pocket of his sweatpants and took the last bite of his cereal, chasing the last few puffs around his bowl with the spoon. “I wanted to finish the pack. These things cost money. I wasn’t about to just throw them away,” he replied nonchalantly.
“You know I hate your cigarette breath! I thought you were finally going to do something for me for once and not just think about yourself! Are you trying to avoid ever kissing me again? Because if so, you’re being successful in that prospect.”
“Okay, well sorry my money doesn’t grow on trees, Kell. I’m just not wasting six bucks. Sorry,” Bert responded with a shrug, taking a drink of his cereal milk.
Kelly simply released a frustrated groan and fumed all the way to the door of Bert’s apartment, snatching her purse from the coat rack and slamming the door on the way out.
There was a moment of silence before Quinn released a laugh, shaking his head. He poured his cereal milk into Bert’s bowl, since Quinn was never one to drink his. “Are you really gonna quit smoking?” he asked with raised eyebrows.
“No,” Bert answered immediately, grinning and gulping down the rest of the milk.
Quinn laughed and turned to face Bert, his back against the arm of the couch and his knees pulled up to his chest. He clasped his fingers together at his ankles and tipped his head slightly to the side. "When are you gonna dump her?"
"I don't know, but it's starting to look like it's gonna be pretty goddamn soon."
Quinn nodded and shrugged. “Well, I like your cigarette breath."
“So you’re not going to avoid ever kissing me again?” Bert asked in his best British accent, mocking Kelly as he placed his empty cereal bowl on the floor.
Quinn raised his eyebrows and crawled down the couch to Bert, placing a hand on the man’s chest and kissing him softly and for what seemed like a long time. Bert laced his fingers together behind Quinn’s neck and melted against the most familiar lips he had ever known. When Quinn finally pulled back just a little, his lips still brushed Bert’s when he spoke. “I feel like Kelly obviously hasn’t kissed you after you’ve eaten Reeses Puffs, because I think it definitely overshadows the cons of smoker’s mouth,” he commented with a quiet laugh, “Maybe we should inform E!News that Kelly Osborne is pissed at you about cigarette breath.”
FIN