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1988.
Haley wakes up with a crick in her neck and Aaron’s arm on her waist. The day differs, but for the past three years, she's been waking up beside him, intertwined in one way or another, always so in love that it hurt, never going to bed angry or without a kiss. Today was June 12th, 1988. Haley didn't have to look at the calendar on the wall to know that. It was her 22nd birthday. Another year around the son, another year with Aaron — and not a single word from her parents. She usually didn't wake up and know what day it was and she definitely didn't usually have a sharp pain in her side at three o'clock in the morning, so she does her best to roll over onto her side, not wanting to bother Aaron in the process as she grabbed the comforter from his side of the bed, unable to get comfortable as she sighed and began to count sheep. Aaron snored beside her, belligerent as ever, at peace for once in his life as he moved slightly, fighting with himself as Haley shifts closer, just resting a hand on his back as he settles effortlessly.
Haley groans, biting her tongue as she shifts her palm to her belly, feeling a sharp pain slice through her side as she swallowed back tears. Her due date wasn't for three more weeks. A June baby, a token of good fortune , a new year and a new start. She's had braxton hicks for a couple of days, but Aaron took her to urgent care the first time it happened, sweating bullets as he looked for her hospital bag, not even packed yet, spreading himself thin as he turned in each direction, whiplash for his whiplash as he panicked. Haley wasn't calm, but she wasn't acting like the world was on fire. She knew something bad was destined to happen — that she wasn't meant to be his wife or someone's mother. Haley was destined for a life of sin and she was already halfway to hell.
She was fine.
Aaron let's himself exhale for the first time in days as the nurse tells him it's normal and slowly prepares them for birth. She was fine. He could go to his classes and spend an evening without her, she was fine. Eight months pregnant and stubborn as all get out, but fine: perfect even. Still, he doesn't let her out of his sight. He drags Haley along to his study sessions and starts driving her to and from work. He coddles her and even through large protest and a pool of tears, she likes it. She loves having someone love her.
He doesn't sleep the first night. All he does is keep his eyes peeled for the warning signs of an early labor, reading the list of information from the hospital like it's the next bible. He can resign the verses back to her, pleading eyes as he asks for her to slow down and let him help her get dressed after her shower, brushing out her hair as she leaned into him. Her stomach gets in the way, it always had these days, but he doesn't seem to mind. Aaron keeps his precious brown eyes on her and their daughter all night. Haley resents him for it the next morning, when he's rubbing at his eyes and hanging around the coffee pot for his third cup before the sun's up, barely making it through his lecture or his homework. Haley is the sun, his eternal solace and the reason he gets up in the morning. He doesn't need sleep anymore. He just needs her.
She grunts, a little louder than before as she held her hand above the spot as she felt out a kick, no longer a love tap but a full blown soccer goal as she looked down at her protruding stomach, unbuttoning her satin pajamas as she let her belly breathe, inhaling when the pain worsens.
"Do you know it's my birthday today?" Haley asks, moving her hand all across her bump, letting herself smile for the first time that morning. She knows it'll come back again and again. Her cheeks hurt from her happiness. "I think you do, baby. I think you're kicking so hard because you want to celebrate me, Maddie. But today, that's daddy's job, alright? You just need to get some sleep, babygirl. Mommy has class in the morning. So does daddy and he's not nearly as much fun when he's tired."
Another kick, harder, like she's trying to break the skin and crawl right out as Haley bites her bottom lip as hot tears stream down her cheeks, causing her to sit upright, moving all over the place as she tried to get it to stop. Aaron could sleep through anything — has slept through a tornado before — and probably will again, but he moves when she shifts the second time, head tipped down as she spoke softly to her stomach. "Come on, baby. Go back to sleep. Daddy won't be happy if something happens and I didn't wake him up."
Right on cue, as if he was listening, Aaron pulls the strings on the bedside lamp, illuminating Haley's face as he squinted towards the clock. She pales, deer in the headlights as she holds her hands steady across her bump. Aaron reaches his hand across to rest atop hers, sullen with sleep as he croaks quietly, "Everything alright?" A nod from his wife and a skeptical glance as he asks, "Mads? Is she okay?"
"Kicking." Haley says, and then, a sloppy smile, bleeding red as she moved his palm to her rib. "Nonstop."
"She must know it's mommy's birthday today." Aaron slips his free arm around her neck and Haley melts into him immediately, wrapped around his finger and ridden with pain. "Smart girl. Already taking after her mother."
Haley goes to say something in an attempt to wipe that smirk off his face as he rubs at his eyes. "It's late, Haley-baby. Why don't we try and get some sleep. You too, Madeline. You need your sleep so you can grow up big and strong."
And then, she tries to let the sob she's choking on out, getting stuck as the pair oversees everything. She tightens her grip on his palm and he looks up like the sky is falling. "Honey?" He's alert, sitting up right and examining every inch of his body as she shivers. Aaron feels the world spin for the first time in his life, suddenly sober. "Haley."
She shifts out of the bed because they said standing helped, moving the covers off her legs, he stands on the opposite side of the bed, panting as he watched her fragile gaze, falling onto the floor as her pupils widened. "Fuck." Haley said, feeling liquid spread down her — Aaron's — pajama pants.
"Sweetheart." He's by her side in an instant, both scared and overuled by excitement. "Holy shit."
Through tears and a clenched jaw, Aaron held her as she said, "I think my water just broke."
He laughed with her, exhaling in time as he eased her back onto the bed, running around like his head was cut off, grabbing the essentials as she practiced her breathing. Once Aaron returned with her hospital bag and a pair of shoes, he kneeled to help put on her socks. "You're going to share the same birthday." He said, so giddy, like a kid on christmas. "That's the best birthday gift anyone could ever ask for."
Haley couldn't think about it. It hadn't become real yet. Not to her, nor to him. They weren't someone's parents yet. They hadn't hurt anyone at all. They hadn't turned into their own and they never would. "Yeah…"
Aaron gently eased her off the bed, holding her hand on the entire drive to the hospital. He wasn't his father. He would never become his father.
1993.
Aaron feels the small palm tighten as she skips in the parking lot, hair freshly braided as she hums a tune to herself and her stuffed bunny. The best parts of his daughter were all Haley. The bright blonde hair and the baby blue eyes surrounded by his smile. All the kindness in Madeline was her. Any unsourced anger was him. "Mommy's getting cake?" Maddie questions as Aaron sets her in the shopping cart, her arms extend as he leans over to kiss her as she sets her stuffed bunny beside her, keeping a close eye on him as she watches her father. "'Cause it's her birthday, Daddy!"
Aaron smiles so wide that it almost hurts, gently tickling her belly as he walked towards the baking aisle. "It's someone else's birthday today, too…"
Maddie's quiet, really thinking about it, before she yelps and says, "My birthday, daddy! I'm turning five!" His daughter's successful in wielding five fingers as he turns into the aisle, pushing the cart to the side as he grabs a number five candle, alongside a two and a seven, for Haley, who was at work.
"You're not turning five." Aaron hums, strolling along as he talks to her. "You're still a baby, Mads."
She pouts, all Haley, regardless of her protests about it. "Yes, I am! I'm going to school soon."
The idea tore a ligament in his wretched heart. She was still that five pound and six inch baby crying her heart out as her mother held her. "A big girl." Aaron shook his head and it felt like poison on his tongue. "That can't be. You'll always be our baby, Mads. Even when you're all grown up and have kids of your own."
She folds her arms over her chest, "But I'm going to school soon, daddy! And I get to play on the big kids playground!"
Aaron kisses the top of her hair, walking towards the bakery as she changes the subject, enamored by something else, endlessly in love with the world and him. "Mommy's turning twenty-seven today, baby."
Madeline giggles, "She's so old!"
Aaron looks down at her, a furrowed brow as he set two birthday cakes into his cart. One for Haley, just plain vanilla with red writing and then one for Madeline, Hello Kitty themed. "No, she's not. Mommy's younger than I am, sweetie."
Madeline stops, looking at him like he just committed a crime. "So how old are you…"
"Twenty-eight." Aaron says, excusing himself past a woman that turns at the sight of him, elbows leaned over the cart as he talked to his daughter, gently holding onto her back as he looked up, not wanting to run into anyone.
"That's really old, daddy." His daughter says, matter-of factly as he turned into the checkout lane, reorgazning his cart as his daughter waved to the cashier. Madeline sings the entire drive home, talks his ear off as he finishes Haley's gift and only falls asleep for her nap on his chest.
Just shy of five o'clock, he hears a tussle at the door as Haley stabs her key into the lock. Aaron hands his daughter the last balloon as she sets it down on the ground, bolting towards their front door with excitement, dressed in her favorite baby pink dress and a crown on her light blonde hair. "It's mommy!" His daughter announces, right on time as Haley opens the door. To his wife: "Mommy! Happy Birthday!"
Haley chuckles softly, unable to even get in the door as her daughter jumps into her arms, snuggling against her chest as Haley struggles to hold her stuff and her daughter. Kissing the top of her head, she says, "Happy birthday, Maddie. I love you."
"I'm five now!" Her daughter announces, holding up one palm as her parents exchanged a heart-felt look, both on the verge of happy tears as she smiled.
"A big girl." Haley whispers, feeling Aaron's hands on his back as he untangled her purse from their embrace. She looks back at him and feels all the tension in her shoulders break.
2005.
“What kind of cake do you want this year?" Madeline sneaks up on her, sitting in the middle of her bed as her husband takes a shower, streams of light tremble in front the blinds as she puts a pin in her book, looking up at her teenage daughter, soon to be seventeen. Haley shrugged and she watched as Maddie walks around, sitting beside her on the bed as she moved her mother's book to the bedside, smiling softly. "I mean… what kind of cake does the baby want?" Her daughter's hand shifted to her six month swell, feeling a gentle kick as her eyes became wide with bewilderment.
Haley moved a strand of hair behind her daughter's ear, soaking up the moments of the three of them, the way it had been for so long. "What kind of cake do you want, sweetheart? You're more important."
"But you're pregnant."
Haley chuckles, "Yes."
"So you should decide. I've picked the cake every year, so it's only fair that you get your choice. Surely you're sick of red velvet cake, Mom."
"Red velvet is my favorite, Maddie. You didn't get every attribute from your father."
Her daughter rolls her eyes and her father steps out of the shower, drying his hair with a towel as he looked over to the bed, his two favorite people in the world snuggled up tight, discussing cake like it's the most important thing in the world. "Hmm?" Aaron says.
"Nothing, Dad."
"Not important, Aaron."
He takes that as a sign to go brush his teeth, retreating back into the bathroom as Madeline asks, "What about an ice cream cake? We've never done that before."
Haley rests a hand on her belly, a twinkle in her eye as the wheels begin to turn. "Cookie dough?" She asks her daughter.
"The only respectable option." .
"Cookie dough it is, Mads."
"Good." Her daughter moves away, not before stealing a kiss, running into the bathroom as her father shaved, razor to his skin as his pupils widened, nearly hurting himself in the process. "We decided on ice cream cake this year. Just so you know."
"Cookie dough?" Aaron asks and his daughter nods, rolling his eyes as he steps out to see Haley. She laughs at him, already knowing what he's going to say before it leaves his mouth. "The Hotchner girls and their love for the worst ice cream flavor." He shakes his head. "You're lucky I love you both."
Maddie brings him in for a hug, tight. "We love you too, dad."
2007.
"You called him?" Haley's in the kitchen, pouring Jack a bowl of cheerios as her son sits in her daughter's lap, playing with her hair as he eats his hand. Her mother nods and the look of dissapointment radiating off her daughter is enough to kill. "And left a voicemail?"
"Honey—"
Madeline shakes her head, bites back tears and puts on a fake smile. "That's okay. I don't know why I thought he'd want to be here. I'm only turning nineteen. That's not even an important milestone."
"Madeline…"
She waves her mother off, turns all her attention back on Jack and trying to decide what cake they should get. Madeline thinks long and hard about what present to get Haley. It's been years since she's seen a smile on her face, all her stolen youth coming back to haunt her as an adult. "It's fine, Mom. I'm sorry for bringing him up. I'll call him later, maybe sure he remembers that he has a wife and two fucking kids of take care of."
Haley feels the tension rising, could cut it with a knife as she sets the cereal seen in front of her son. Kissing both her children as she lets it go. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault, Mom. You tried." Madeline never took her anger out on her. She hadn't done anything. "Thank you for always taking care of us. We're lucky to have you." As if he knew what they were taking about, Jack put out his fist, murmuring mama under his breath as he threw his breakfast across the table. Haley doesn't punish him, she doesn't even really react at all. Another day goes by without him here, missing fundamental moments of his son's life and regretting even having a daughter in the first place.
2009.
Their daughter's out at the bar when her phone vibrates in her pocket as her girlfriend kisses the sin out of her system. Her father's name crosses across the screen and she panics. She had seen her Mom before heading out to mingle, had given her a hug and a promise of making it back in one piece. Haley held onto her tight as if the impending doom looming on the horizon had gotten closer. Her mother tells her she loves her and mentions how proud she is. Madeline's sick with envy with the entire night, taking a cognate outside as she calls her, hearing the record version of her mother ask her to leave a message. She downs the drink the second it's brought out to her, making love to anyone that wants her as she tries to hide the shame in her heart, the eternal worrying about her parents, even when her mother isn't the one putting herself between killers every hour.
She put the phone to her ear and everything stops. The music in the club is loud and the strobe lights give her a headache as her father pants on the other side, a lump in his heart and his heart on his sleeve. "Maddie?" He's relieved when she picks up immediately — Foyet hadn't gotten her — "Maddie, honey, where are you?"
"I'm out." She says, finding annoyance in his tacky tone. "Getting drunk, dad. What do you need?"
"Where are you?" He asks again. Demanding an address, and then, "Something happened to your mother, Madeline."
She knows what he's going to say before it happens. Everything stills beside her and her knees buckle upon impact. "She's dead, Maddie. Haley's gone."
All the air escaped her lungs, her breath felt caught even after exhaling. "No." She shakes her head and feels all her friends looking at her. "That's not funny. It's not funny, Aaron. It's never been funny." He killed something inside her. She's only free when he's out of the picture — they all are. Jack grows up and barely knows his father, hears more about the characters in his stories than him.
The use of his first name kills him. She hadn't called him dad in years, his own daughter won't even look him in the eye. "I'm serious, honey." Aaron trifled through a sob, he could still feel Haley's lifeless body in his arms. Again and again and again. "Where are you?" Foyet wants her too. "Sweetheart, we need to know where you are."
"Did you kill her?" His daughter asked, one too many drinks in her system as she yells, "What did you do to her?" The room distorts after that, somebody puts a hand on her shoulder and she pushes foward to get them off, warm tears pooling down her cheeks as she asked for one of her friends to dial her mother's number, met by her voicemail as the dread in her doubled. "Dad, what did you do to her?" Madeline screams. "What happened? What did you fucking do to her?"
He doesn't let it get under his skin, he tells himself over and over that she's drunk and her taking her anger out on him is better than hooking up with someone random to release her steam. "Daddy, no. No. No. Bring her back. You have to save her. I need my mom. I — I can't live without my mom."
Aaron exhales. The world was always on his shoulders, but the crack of her voice wasn't enough to keep him together. He let the tears slide down his cheeks as Jack hugged Jessica tight, not understanding what happened to his mom. Telling Madeline was harder. She was an adult. She understood the word death and the consequences of his own actions. Madeline knew it was his fault. "Please, daddy." She's full on crying now and has to take a step outside to break her thoughts. The cold air on her skin makes everything worse, she's here, standing tall, but her mother isn't. She's not just back at home, waiting by the door, snuggled under a blanket and reading a book as her brother sleeps down the hall. She's not here anymore. Madeline can't just drop what she's doing to go visit her. She's gone and she hadn't gotten the chance to say goodbye. "Please. Please. Tell me you can save her, dad. Please."
"I'm sorry, Maddie… I tried."
She kicks a rock across the pavement as she shares her adress. Her father makes her swear to stay inside until he's there, showing the bouncer his badge as she goes searching for her, bruises on face and blood underneath his jacket. He spots her in the corner, nursing a shot of vodka as she looks up at the sound of his shoes. They're both crying on the drive home, with the addition of Jack in his backseat, in complete silence. His daughter doesn't look him in the eye for a while. He can't even lie to himself and say he doesn't know why.
2010.
Twenty-two and forty-three (again.) Aaron doesn't get a call from his daughter on her birthday. He doesn't know what she did or who she saw or even if she's still alive. His daughter dodged his calls left and right and won't take him up on his invitation for dinner.
She threatens to move out — usually spending the night with one of her friends — unsure where she would go, but anywhere would be better than his tiny apartment and the constant shouting. She stays for Jack, for her little brother that’s just lost his mother, belittled with grief and too young to understand any of it.
When she blows out the candles, all she wishes is for her mother to come back and for this nightmare to end. Madeline doesn't know it yet, but Aaron wishes for the same thing on his birthday, every single time until his last.