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The year was 2009 and Phil Lester was pursuing a video production degree. He'd graduated a year before, getting his degree in linguistics. He'd worked long and hard like he was supposed to and finally gotten what he thought he wanted. Even after this accomplishment something didn't feel right. He'd known it was probably for the better to just get a steady job with his degree and live an easy life. After all, everything else in his life had been particularly easy too. But he was unsatisfied with this simple life because Phil knew that he was different. And because he was different he didn't want to spend his life lying to everyone including himself. Being gay was already a fundamental part of his identity. It was something that not many knew about him but he had accepted at this point in his life and he learned to make the best of it. But there was this passion for making videos and films that he'd had since he was young. In recent years it had taken over his life and he couldn't push it down and bury it without pushing down his happiness with it. The joy that came from making films was better than any other thing he had done in his life by far. After years of uncertainty with himself and his future, Phil decided to change himself for the better.
"This is the year I'll finally make myself happy, I'll do whatever I want." He'd told himself. After years of trying to fit in and create the best image for himself, he let go. He enrolled in university again, focused on creating his videos, and began working to become a filmmaker.
He started this film study thinking of it as both a fun hobby and an innovative career he could be proud of. A way to better himself and still do something he loved. But now Phil Lester is a busy college student with way too much to do. A few months after restarting school he found himself burned-out, creatively stumped, and in a sea of unfinished assignments and film projects. These days he would stay in his room all day procrastinating work and sulking in his room. He'd had this impending sense of dread that he couldn't get out of. The dread of having to eventually face every single thing he's pushed away in the last semester. He wondered how he was suddenly so miserable with his life again after promising himself he would be happier.
Today, he chose to skip his last lecture and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer instead.
"What's the point in even going, there's no point in doing anything anymore. My whole life and it's just led to me wearing these stupid pyjamas and watching Buffy in my room like the absolute pushover I am."
Half awake and about thirty minutes in, he opened his computer and went through his messages. He was met with loads of notifications about new comments, followers, and emails asking why it's been so long since his last upload.
"Whatever. I’ll uh, I’ll get to it." He sighed and ignored it all.
He continued weaving through the extensive amounts of messages until one from Dan Howell caught his attention. He almost immediately clicked the message and smiled as he began reading.
philll i miss you :(
when can i see u again... it feels like its been foreverrr
ur literally killing me plz respond before i die x_x
He'd only met Dan a couple months ago on the internet and he was already Phil's favorite person. Dan was different from every other "boyfriend" he had had. Everything about him was so special. He was charming and captivating in a way Phil deeply admired. He was funny, easy to talk to, and understood him better than all of his friends, family and sometimes even himself. Phil would do absolutely anything for him. Who cares about the overflowing work and responsibilities he needed to tend to? One word from Dan and he'd give up everything. He'd give it all away just to spend a second longer with him. Phil laughed softly to himself and tried his best to craft the perfect response.
Dan! I'm sorryy I was so busy all day today... you know I was talking to you about my new film project, its a lot.
I miss you more :(
maybe we could make plans soon? I've got a lot of work to do but I'm sure I could make it work, just for you!
Dan responds within seconds and as always, their conversation seemed to begin to flow naturally.
soon? don't be daft -_-
i want to see you now
as soon as possible
As soon as possible? Dan, you know I really like you, but I told you I've kind of got a lot to do :/
what do you even need to see me that soon for anyway lol
so i can hold u and kiss u for hours :3
and ... so i can beat u at mario kart so many times u'll cry XD
I would love that ^_^
and haha you wish!1!1
But honestly Dan, I'm going to fail this class if I don't start getting my work in
who cares about school youre so boring
this is so unfair why can't you just stay and be with me forever ...
:'(
Phil started to feel guilty about what he said before, he hated to see Dan like this. It was hard to imagine that something he did could upset Dan in this way.
Virtual hugs and kisses <333
Really Dan I care about you so much and I really wish I could haha
then why don't you?
Dan then sent a picture of himself to Phil. The lighting was bad and the angle wasn't flattering to most. But it didn't matter, he was just so beautiful in Phil's eyes. He was looking into the camera and gave the saddest look he'd ever seen. Phil loved when he did this and Dan knew it.
for me?
Phil was so desperate to have him, how could he say no?
You do the worst to me >_<
When do you want to come over?
They'd made plans for Dan to visit him on Saturday, which was two days away. Phil made sure to spend the days before getting in as much work as he could and cleaning up the room he let get unbelievably messy. The day of, he spent hours straightening his hair and making sure he looked as good as he could before Dan arrived. He had even asked Dan what shirt he liked the best and wore the exact checkered blue polo that he picked, just for him.
It was just a few days but the time without Dan seemed to linger on forever. In the time before Dan arrived, all he could think about was how much better his life would be if it was just the two of them, all the time. If he could somehow make a life for himself becoming the filmmaker he always wanted to be, and somehow be sustainable enough to still have Dan in his life. Could he have both? He hated to imagine choosing between his future and his favorite person.
Phil got in his head about all of the things he needed to figure out. He deeply feared all of the difficult questions he'd been pushing off for the longest time. It was the worst habit he had but he couldn't help it when he was alone. He began spiraling and even debated locking himself in his room and hiding until it all went away.
It was all interrupted by a light knocking at his door. His savior.
Phil rushed to the door but before opening took a moment to gather himself and adjust his hair and clothes.
He opened the door to find his perfect Dan there for him. His hair had grown out and was curling at the ends. His eyes looked a bit heavy and he was paler than normal. He was wearing a graphic t-shirt and black jeans and shoes. The last thing he noticed was the old and worn out bag resting on his shoulder. It was all a bit different to what he was expecting but no matter what, he was still perfect in the eyes of Phil.
"Hey there." Phil started.
Dan just smiled and let himself in. As soon as the door closed Dan dropped his bag and pulled Phil's face in for a kiss. Phil didn't resist, of course. He'd missed the way Dan's face felt on his. Dan was always so gentle when he touched Phil, and he radiated with warmth from everywhere making him the most comfortable person to be around.
After their pleasant embrace Phil pulled back and asked Dan,
"Why does your breath smell like coffee?"
"Yeah, maybe because I had like ... five cups? Sorry about that." Dan replied, slightly embarrassed.
"And, " Phil leaned back in
"Onions? or Garlic?" He looked at Dan in the eyes and laughed
"What? I can't eat now? Stop questioning me about my breath okay? Yours smells way worse. Really, you need to watch what you eat, not me."
Phil stifled a laugh, "You're just saying that, you know it doesn't. Maybe try brushing next time?"
Dan's cheeks burned red.
"Stop talking or I'll kill you."
"Oh yeah? And how are you going to do that?"
"Maybe like this?" Dan suddenly shoved Phil onto the bed, making him yell as loud as he could and flail his arm around as if he was actually being attacked.
"You're so loud! Shut up you're a fucking idiot! An actual moron!" Dan shouted at him.
"Oh please, Dan, spare me this time! I'll never say it again!"
"Oh god you're so annoying, shut up." Dan placed a hand on his neck and kissed him once sweetly. It felt lighthearted and tender. Then again the two met again. Kissing deeper and more desperate this time. They'd adjusted to get comfortable sprawling out across the bedsheets. And once they started, they couldn't get their hands off of each other. There was a longing between the two that had finally been satisfied. It felt like heaven.
Phil was here holding the boy of his dreams and kissing him until he could barely catch his breath, and it was perfect. Nothing else mattered. He didn't care about anything else but being here in the arms of his lover. Phil pulled away for a second to just admire him and savor the moment.
"What?" Dan giggled.
"I don't know, I just... I love you."
There's a moment of silence between them causing Phil to realize what he said and quickly pull back.
"I'm so sorry, that's so stupid." Phil sputtered.
"No, it's fine, really."
"I'm sorry Dan" He repeated.
"Phil, look at me." Dan took his face in one hand "It's all good I just didn't expect it." "I just got here." He laughed "I love you too. How's that?"
Phil just smiled but Dan could still sense his discomfort.
"I mean it. Here, look come back" Dan had pulled him back in.
"I love you. So much." He smiled and gave him a tender look.
"And I miss you all the time. When I'm not with you, I don't know what to do with myself. " Phil could tell something had changed just in his demeanor and the sound of his voice.
"That's part of the reason why I wanted to see you so much. You just make everything in my life so much better. It's all been so awful" Dan admitted "And everything at home... It just makes it so much worse being without you." He turned his head from Phil, trying to hide his now watering baggy eyes.
"God. I'm so sorry Dan. Truly. I knew you seemed different but I had no idea, um, how bad it was."
"It's alright, It's just really shitty sometimes. A lot more recently because of-" He wiped a tear and tried to laugh through it "Life I guess? I have no idea what I'm doing."
Phil leaned closer and hugged Dan tightly.
"I'm so sorry Dan." He repeated. "I'm sorry. I'm here for you now, okay? That'll never change, just say the word and I'm here."
Phil met his face again and he could see the pain in Dan's eyes. He was so strong. Phil didn't even know half of the things that Dan's been through. Probably more than he could even imagine, and here he still was, laughing through the pain.
"I should've asked if you were alright. I was so focused on that stupid film. It's been completely taking over my life and... it's not even that important. You're so much more important to me than that."
"Phil, first you really need to stop apologizing so much. It's okay." He stressed. "And that's not fair to say, you should have your own life and interests. It doesn't have to revolve around me all the time you know? And if it means anything I love all of your films. I think you'll figure it all out soon enough. Just promise me you won't be so hard on yourself. "
"I love you."
Dan looked at him genuinely confused and laughed. "You twit, did you actually listen to anything I said?"
"Right, sorry. What you said means a lot Dan. It really does. And I promise I'll be better to myself. If it makes you happy, I'll do it."
"I told you to stop apologizing. But that's a start." Dan cupped Phil's face and lovingly pressed another kiss onto his face.
After the very intimate and emotional start to the day, they began hanging out as a more normal pair of friends.
They started by playing all of their favorite games, including Mario Kart as Dan suggested. And of course, Dan beat him eight consecutive times. They ordered Pizza and despite Phil's efforts to get Dan to watch Buffy with him, they settled on X factor instead. Toward the end of the day, they decided to record videos for Phil's growing Youtube channel. They sat and filmed the stupidest videos that one could imagine. But it didn't matter, they were having fun and enjoying each other's company. By the end of the day they'd spent so much time smiling and laughing that their faces hurt to move. After hours they laid back down on the bed together and buddled up under the covers. They laid on their backs, stared at the ceiling, and talked about anything that came to their mind.
After a long conversation about their favorite ideas for tattoos Phil asked,
"Hey Dan? I was thinking of something earlier today. Might be good for us."
"Yeah? Tell me." Dan sat up on his side and looked down at Phil
"Actually, I don't know how you'd feel about it. I mean we just met. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"For Christ's sake just tell me Phil." Dan rolled his eyes and playfully shoved him. But Phil was seemingly still deep in his head.
"Hey, whatever it is." Dan emphasized.
"Would you eventually want to move in with me?" Phil shifted his focus from the ceiling to Dan's eyes.
"I know it sounds pretty crazy right now, but if you lived here everything would be easier for both of us. I could focus on work and still get to see you. You could get away from home. It'd be perfect. We could even move somewhere else together. Maybe we could go down to Manchester."
After he said this he watched Dan's eyes sparkle in real time. After taking a minute to grasp everything Phil said, the biggest smile spread across his face.
"I'd love to do all of those things with you Phil. Just, um. How soon are you thinking?"
"It could be a few months or even a year from now. Just whenever you're ready. I'm willing to wait as long as you need."
"How about now?"
"What does now mean?"
"Exactly what it sounds like. I've already brought some of my stuff. I don't need much. I could always go back home and get the rest of my stuff."
Phil clearly still couldn't believe what he was saying as he fully stood up and glared at Dan.
"Wait, Dan, Hold on, you want to move in today? Like right now this second?"
"Yeah?"
"Dan." He sighed and brought his hands up to his face, visibly stressed. "That makes no sense at all, you do realize that? How do you even expect that to work right now in our lives?"
"You're the one who suggested it, why are you so against it being now? What is it? Do you just not have enough time for me?
Phil shook his head fiercely "That's not what I meant. I... I'm sorry. Just can you explain to me why you think we need to do this right now ?"
"Phil there's no reason not to. It's even worse If I go back home. There is nothing going for me right now. I have no friends, my family hates me, I'm clueless with no direction in life. Being with you is literally the only thing that feels good right now. I'm eighteen, I don't have to figure out my whole life right now. You're in your twenties and you still don't know what your future's going to look like." He paused. "So, it's whatever."
Phil was in his head contemplating the whole situation. He shrugged and kept his eyes stuck to the floor.
Dan could see he still hadn't come around, so he walked over to him.
"Phil... do it" Dan lifted Phil's head so he had to look him in the eyes. Then effortlessly pressed the perfect kiss into his lips. Phil melted into it, naturally and he felt that same feeling that arose every time he was with Dan. Nothing else but him mattered in this moment.
Dan pulled back only slightly and said into Phil's mouth,
"Please? For me?"
And how could he say no? Senselessly he replied,
"Yeah."
"Yeah?"
"Whatever, it's whatever. We'll figure it out. " He let out a stiff laugh "You need to stop doing this to me, Dan"
Dan tilted his head and smiled at him.
"Never. Why would I do that? I like getting what I want." He grinned. "I look forward to spending every day with you and annoying the shit out of you until you hate me."