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Adam goes on exactly four and a half dates with Matt before calling it quits. They’re at a cafe in a quiet part of town, sitting outside because the weather is nice. The morning sunlight gives everything a warm glow, and everything is golden and soft and beautiful. It’s all very romantic, Adam acknowledges, except it kind of does nothing for him.
And it is probably kind of pathetic that he’d rather be at home nursing a beer at 10 in the morning on a Saturday instead of having a nice date with his maybe-boyfriend, but Adam’s tired and he doesn’t really feel like dealing with people. Even if the one sitting across him at the moment is a really good kisser.
It’s awful, but Adam thinks that the only reason he keeps going out with Matt is because he’s lonely and Matt has a nice face and can do ridiculous things with his tongue.
Also because his other option is Brad, who is surprisingly quite a nice guy once you get past all his talk about his sex dungeon and gives solid advice, but not exactly the kind of guy Adam wants to hook up with regularly.
Anyway, he figures that Matt deserves better.
Somehow, ‘better’ turns out to be Adam breaking up – is it a break up if they weren’t ever really officially together? – with him in the middle of their very romantic brunch. Maybe he should have been polite and waited until they were done eating, but Adam has an astounding track record for dropping truth bombs at the most inappropriate times.
“I think we should stop seeing each other,” he says, as Matt chews on a mouthful of granola.
The sentence hangs awkwardly in the air between as Matt chews. Adam really wishes he had better timing. Matt seems unbothered though, chewing calmly and even taking a sip of water afterwards.
“Okay,” he replies easily.
“Okay?” Adam echoes in surprise. Not that he wants Matt to be upset, because Adam’s not sure he has the emotional capacity to deal with that at the moment, but still, his pride stings a little bit.
“I’m bummed; you’re cute and I like you, but okay,” Matt shrugs, still eating his granola bowl as if he hadn’t just been broken up with. “Do I get to know why at least?”
“I’m just...” Adam doesn’t know what to say. Matt’s pretty chill about it at the moment, but Adam’s not quite sure how to say he stopped being enthused about dating Matt since after their first date without sounding like an asshole. “Not looking for a relationship right now,” he finishes lamely.
Matt nods, humming. Adam waits. “So there’s someone else,” Matt concludes.
“No,” Adam denies immediately, and then, “Maybe.” Matt gives him an incredulous look and Adam gives in with a sigh. “Okay fine, yes. I figured the best way to move on from someone is to, y’know, actually move on, but this just isn’t doing it for me, I’m sorry.”
Matt waves his apology off, and Adam is really confused. He hasn’t been this confused about a break up since he was eighteen when he broke up with Dorothy after coming out to her only to have her respond ‘oh thank god, me too’ in relief. Matt rolls his eyes; Adam is only mildly affronted.
“I said I liked you, not that I’m in love with you. Besides, I appreciate the honesty,” he explains. “We’re still friends though, right?”
“Yeah, sure, if you want.” He trips over the words, but he’s pretty sure Matt got the general idea, so he doesn’t bother repeating himself. He’s still a little bit in shock at how much of a non-event this all is.
“Cool,” Matt says, then steals a strawberry from Adam’s plate, and that’s that.
//
Adam still mourns the end of the relationship though, because Matt is a great guy and Adam had actually really wanted it to work out. Plus, now that they’re no longer dating, Matt has implemented a strict no kissing rule. Which, although understandable, kind of sucks, although Adam will respect that.
He doesn’t tell any of the other guys about the break up though. Mostly because he’s kind of bitter that they’re all more capable of being in relationships than he is – with the exception of Nick, but Nick is more interested in books than people most of the time anyway so he doesn’t really count – and partly because he and Matt still hang out, and he doesn’t want them to think of him and Matt as another Chris and Jess.
Chris.
Who everything seems to come back to all the time. Who Adam has been in love with probably since before he even realised he liked guys, even if he hadn’t been aware of his own feelings until the disastrous almost-kiss.
“You’re an idiot,” Matt informs him after Adam tells him about Chris. “Why did you say kissing him felt like kissing your brother?”
“Because he’s straight, and I panicked!”
“So maybe he’s a little late getting on the gay train,” Matt shrugs, splaying out on Adam’s couch. “He kissed you, didn’t he? He’s got to be at least a little bit gay to do that.”
Adam snickers. “Yeah, and then I’d have to deal with people thinking I somehow turned him gay. Besides, he still thinks he’s straight as far as I’m aware of, and I may be a loser who is awful at the whole dating thing, but I draw the line at being someone’s experiment.”
“Fair enough,” Matt concedes. “You’re still an idiot though.”
Adam raises his bottle of beer, “I’ll drink to that.”
//
It’s hard work being within two feet of Chris and having to pretend he isn’t constantly thinking of kissing him again, but Adam’s gotten good at feigning disinterest after years of being in the closet. It helps that he genuinely likes Rachel –– she’s pretty and funny and so much better for Chris than Jess ever was, and Adam’s not bitter enough to try and get between that.
It’s infinitely harder when they drink, because Chris gets all loose-limbed and cuddly when he’s drunk, and Adam never has the heart to push him away whenever he drapes himself over Adam like a human comforter. But he deals with it, because Chris is his best friend, and Adam refuses to let something as stupid as a crush ruin that.
It’s not just a crush, his brain helpfully reminds him.
“Shut up,” he replies.
Chris stirs, lifting his head from Adam’s shoulder to look at him in confusion. “I didn’t say anything?”
And Chris would probably murder him if Adam ever called him adorable, but that doesn’t mean Adam isn’t allowed to think it. Because he does. He finds sleepy and confused Chris ridiculously adorable, and their faces are so close together that it would be so easy to just kiss him right now, but he doesn’t.
He really wishes he could though.
//
Chris shows up at his doorstep at 3am in the morning one day, looking absolutely miserable. Adam lets him in, grabs two beers from the fridge and handing one to Chris, who’s already made himself comfortable on Adam’s couch. The same couch where Adam had almost kissed him, but Adam’s trying not to think about that.
“I broke up with Rachel,” Chris says after a long sip of beer.
Adam doesn’t know whether he’s happy or upset. He settles for concerned. “What happened? Did you guys fight? I’m sure if you apologise in a couple of days once everything settles down she’ll take you back.”
“No,” Chris says, and Adam flinches at the sharpness of his tone. Chris says, shakes his head. “No,” he repeats, softer this time, “we didn’t fight. And she won’t take me back, because I don’t want her to.”
“Then... why?” Against his better judgement, he feels the tiniest sliver of hope and he hates himself for it.
Chris takes another long swig of beer, trying for nonchalance. Adam pretends not to see how his hands shake. “She’s great, but it just wasn’t doing it for me.”
Adam doesn’t know what to say to that, but it doesn’t seem like Chris is waiting for a reply anyway. They drink their beers in silence, watch some television, drink more beer, make breakfast when the sun comes up. They don’t talk about Rachel.
Eventually, he has to go to work. He almost wants to take the day off, but Chris laughs and tells him to go. “Your boyfriend is awful with cars,” he says, “he might require your services again today.” The sentence is accompanied by a wink; Adam is glad that Chris feels okay enough to tease him, but he suddenly feels bad for keeping his split with Matt a secret.
“Actually, we broke up a while ago,” he tells Chris. “We’re still friends though.”
“I see,” is all Chris says, eyeing Adam thoughtfully in a way that makes his skin tingle, before breaking into a grin. “Still. Go to work. I’ll be fine.”
So Adam goes to work. Although he does spend the rest of the day wondering if the fact that Chris’ reason for breaking up with Rachel is the same as his for breaking up with Matt – down to the wording, even – means anything, or if it’s just a coincidence.
He knows he shouldn’t, but he really hopes it means something.
//
Nothing happens with Chris. Adam’s been hoping that something might, because unrequited love never seems to die, but he’s mostly known that nothing would, so he’s not too upset about it. They’ve been hanging out more though, mostly with Nick, and Ortu joins them whenever he can to take a breather from planning the wedding.
Nick suggests heading to a gay bar, and Adam is touched by the sentiment –– until he remembers that they dragged him to a strip club the week before then decides that this is the least they can do in return for him. Besides, he thinks Nick enjoys going to gay bars because he gets strangers buying him drinks all the time.
Either way, Adam’s glad they’re accommodating him tonight. He thinks maybe if he finds a cute guy to dance with, and perhaps later on sneak away for mutual hand jobs, it’ll take his mind off Chris for a little bit. And he desperately needs distractions, because the process of trying to move on from his best friend has so far only seemed to make him love Chris more.
Except no cute guys approach him. Probably because Chris is dancing really close to him, hands on his hips and all. If he wasn’t so ridiculous turned on, he thinks he’d probably be angrier at Chris for ruining his prospects of a sloppy back alley hand job. The envious looks some of the other guys on the dance floor are giving him also makes him feel a little smug.
He wraps his arms around Chris’ neck, who only smirks and doesn’t try to pull away. Adam hates him a little bit, because how can he possibly get over him now? In that moment, Adam resigns himself to a lifetime of pining for Chris.
They’re slow dancing now, and it’s entirely inappropriate for the uptempo dance tracks that are playing, but it doesn’t matter. Adam rests his head on Chris’ shoulder and pretends this means something too.
//
Adam doesn’t know what to think. Sometimes he goes to the bar on his own, because his friends tend to hover around him whenever they go together, and that seems to deter guys from approaching him. This is the first time he’s gone on his own, only to find one of the guys there, and not just enjoying a drink at the bar.
Chris is seated at the bar, yes, but he also has some guy on his lap, their faces pressed together. Adam watches them from the door, unable to wrap his mind around it. He’s confused, and hurt, and angry all at once, and he doesn’t know whether he wants to storm in there and confront Chris or just leave before Chris notices he’s there.
He takes too long to decide, because the lanky blond slips off Chris’ lap, and all of a sudden their gazes lock. Adam wants to run, but his body doesn’t listen, his feet taking him towards Chris instead.
“I can explain,” Chris says as soon as Adam is close enough.
The guy Chris had just been kissing looks between them, then decides he doesn’t want to be a part of the drama – wise choice, Adam thinks – and leaves. He’s still confused and upset, but anger is taking precedence at the moment.
“So explain,” he demands, crossing his arms over his chest.
Chris looks at him pleadingly, but he doesn’t budge. “Not here,” he says eventually. “Let’s go back to your place.”
Adam considers refusing out of spite, but he can feel a couple of eyes on them, and even if he’s mad at Chris, he doesn’t want to hash their issues out in front of a whole bunch of strangers. “Fine,” he says shortly, turning and heading to the exit, expecting Chris to follow.
The drive back to his place is completely silent. Adam can’t remember the last time he’s been this angry at Chris –– he’s not even sure he’s ever been anywhere close to this angry at anyone before. He’s not the confrontational sort, but he thinks of how Chris had flinched away when he tried to kiss him, then he thinks about how Chris had looked kissing that guy back at the bar, and he feels hurt all over again.
“Speak,” he says once they enter the house.
“I don’t know where to start,” Chris admits. He sounds so lost, and Adam feels his anger slip for a moment. He forces himself to think of what he’d seen at the bar again.
“How about you tell me when you started kissing boys?” He ignores the way his voice trembles, but from the way Chris’ face falls, he knows Chris has noticed.
Chris reaches for him, and he takes a step back so quickly he collides with the wall, hoping Chris won’t try again because he doesn’t think he could reject his advances a second time. Thankfully, Chris simply drops his hand. “Just last week,” he answers, “I’ve been thinking about it ever since I kissed you – not so much while I was with Rachel though – and since I don’t have a girlfriend to worry about anymore, I figured I’d just... give it a shot.”
It feels like some kind of sick joke. He thinks it hurt less when he’d thought Chris was straight, as opposed to knowing Chris liked to kiss boys, just not him. Suddenly he’s not angry anymore, just really, really tired. And also he feels like crying.
“Adam?” Chris calls, sounding worried.
Oh. He’s already crying. That’s nice. It’s not like he has any dignity left to lose anyway.
“I lied,” he says, furiously wiping his tears away so he can pretend he isn’t crying, “when I said kissing you felt like kissing my brother.”
Chris reaches for him again, and this time he lets him. He cups Adam’s face, forces him to move his hands from his face and look at Chris properly. “Why did you lie, Adam?” There’s no accusation or anger in his voice, but there is weight behind his words anyway.
“Because I wanted you but I couldn’t have you and I was scared that if I said I liked it then it’d ruin our friendship,” he admits.
Something akin to relief settles on Chris’ features. “You’re an idiot,” he says fondly, and Adam laughs.
“Yeah, Matt said that too.”
Chris chuckles a little at that, but then they both go quiet again.
“I lied too,” Chris confesses. At Adam’s confused look, he elaborates, “When I said I was just reaching for my phone. I lied. I wanted to kiss you, but then I panicked when I realised what I was doing.”
Adam forgets how to breathe. He’s almost afraid to bring it up, but he needs to know. “You seemed just fine earlier, with that guy at the bar.”
“Jealous?” The retort is more of an automatic response than anything, because Chris winces as soon as the word is out of his mouth. It actually makes Adam smile a little. “I had time to think about it, get used to the idea that I might like kissing guys.”
“So do you?” It’s a little redundant, but he asks anyway.
“Maybe,” Chris answers with an odd little smile. “Mind if I made sure?”
They’re standing way too close, and Chris’ hands are still on his face. Besides, Adam doesn’t think there’s any way he could possibly have misinterpreted Chris’ words. He licks his lips unconsciously, and notices the way Chris’ eyes follow the movement. He nods, and then Chris is kissing him. It’s different from that time at Ortu’s backyard; Chris is a lot surer of himself, his lips moving against Adam’s with ease. Adam’s knees go a little weak, but it doesn’t matter because Chris just loops his arm around Adam’s waist to keep him up.
“Still feel like kissing your brother?” Chris teases when they finally pull away.
Adam doesn’t bother dignifying that with a response, simply leaning in to kiss Chris again.
//
“Oh my god, it’s contagious,” Ortu exclaims when he and Nick walk in on Adam and Chris in the middle of a heated make out session.
Adam moves to pull away, but Chris’ hold on him is unyielding. He feels one of Chris’ hands leave his back for a moment though, and from Ortu’s offended yelp, Adam assumes that Chris has just flipped their friends off.
He half expects Nick and Ortu to be gone when he finally slides off Chris’ lap, but they’re still there, Nick reading a book and Ortu watching them with a mixture of curiosity and wariness. All in all, Adam thinks they’re taking this very well.
“So, when did you decide you were gay too?” Ortu asks, because he has no tact whatsoever.
“I’m bisexual,” he replies easily. “I still like girls, even if I like sucking Adam’s dick now too.”
“We don’t need to know the details!” Nick yells, and Ortu echoes the sentiment.
Adam leans in, pulling Chris into a kiss just because he can, and also because he enjoys making his friends squirm. And from the way Chris laughs into the kiss, he knows that Chris does too. Despite all their protests and apparent disgust, Nick and Ortu are smiling when they pull away again.
“I’m happy for you guys, man,” Nick says.
Chris pulls Adam onto his lap, patting the now vacant space next to him. “Thanks, but enough with the sappy stuff. The game’s about to start.”
Without any further protests, Nick and Ortu squeeze onto the couch with them, their attention now off of Adam and Chris, and on the hockey game on tv instead. Adam’s not watching the game though. He looks at his friends, feeling proud of how far they’ve come.
Almost a year after coming out to his friends, Adam finally thinks that everything is going to be okay. Chris buries his face between Adam’s shoulder blades, and Adam thinks, no, better than okay.
Everything is going to be great.