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Silena may have realized she was dreaming but that didn't make her surroundings any less terrifying. The sounds of battle echoed all around her. Screams of terror and shouted orders. Swords clashing off one another. Silena's armor felt too heavy on her body. The helmet must've been on wrong or something because it was making it harder to see. Her chest plate also felt a bit too loose.
That's strange. We just had a fitting and my armor felt great. She thought somewhere through the muddled confusion. Someone screamed to her left and suddenly the armor was far from her mind.
Silena spun around to try and offer assistance but there was too much chaos in her way. Demigods, monsters, and was that smoke? Icy panic raced up her back and she started to run. She didn't know where she was going, there was just an overwhelming urge to get out. Wherever that was. She also hoped the running might wake her up, although being awake only seemed slightly better than her current position.
Other demigods blurred past. Some she recognized from camp. Some she knew from her time in the Titan Army. She ran faster. Or at least she was trying. Her armor was slowing her down. It was a classic dream thing, it had happened to her a hundred times before. It felt different this time though. Her panic was rising and no matter how many times she told herself it was just a dream, it didn't stop. Her eyes blurred with tears.
Suddenly she tripped, slamming into the ground. Hard. Pain flared through every part of her body. An overwhelming amount of pain for a dream. Her face was burning. She must have scraped it. Or was it her tears? Burning her as they slide down her face? Yes that had to have been it. She didn't stop to question if that made sense or not. She was too busy trying to get up.
She tried to stand but her legs hurt too much. She couldn't get her body to move. She was crying harder now, the tears were falling onto her chest making it burn as well.
I can't breathe. I'm dying. I can't breathe. I'm-
Her dream switched. She was standing in Luke's room on the Prince Andromeda. He was pacing back and forth, raking his hands sharply through his hair.
This is wrong. She thought. Even in her confused state she knew Luke wasn't like this anymore. He had been taken over by Kronos for months now. Although he never appeared that way in her dreams. Maybe it was part of the ploy to keep her feeling sympathetic. Or maybe it was because her dreams mostly consisted of memories from before things had fallen so far apart. Either way, it didn't matter. She needed to get through this quickly so her dream could end.
"What do you want," her voice was sharp. Steady. She worked hard not to show her fear around him. Even through a dream, all it did was make her easier to manipulate.
He turned sharply, "Silena," he breathed. She almost flinched at how relieved he sounded.
"I don't have time for games right now Luke. I need to-" she stopped. What did she need to do again? Wake up. Right, she needed to wake up.
"I-I'm worried about you Silena. Kronos he-he told me something"
She froze. This dream again. Fine.
"I don't care what Kronos said. He's using you! Can't you see that?!" She always tried her best to keep her composure within the dreams. After all, getting mad this early on wouldn't solve anything. Yet, she couldn't help the anger that slipped into her voice.
Luke just shook his head, "No. You don't understand," he sounded scared. No terrified. It didn't matter how many times she relived this moment, the fear in his voice still took her by surprise. "H-he said you might die."
She felt the now familiar panic rise in her chest, "Prophecies are tricky, it could mean something else," She said, trying to keep her voice from shaking.
"It wasn't a prophecy! You-you don't understand! He told me directly."
"Told you what?!" She almost shouted. She was done with Luke's mind games. The way he always gave information in the way that benefited him. She was done with seeing him in her dreams every night. The anger racing through her took her by surprise. It was making her heart pound and her voice raise, fueling her even more than the panic had.
They both stared at each other for a moment, breathing heavily. Until finally Luke spoke.
"He told me, and I'm quoting this exactly, 'Don't let her be a hero. If she tries, then she will not live through the war.'" His voice had softened and he sounded afraid again.
Silena braced herself for the rage she was used to feeling at this point. She wasn't stupid. It was very clearly a trick to make her even more scared to leave Luke's army. But now with her other dream fresh in her mind, she simply couldn't think of it that way.
What if I'm actually in danger?
The events of her dream replayed in front of her. The screams, the smoke, the burning in her face.
Am I actually going to die?
The room started to get fuzzy around the edges. The break from their normal routine must have caused the dream to collapse earlier. Luke looked at her suddenly. Really looked at her. It was like he was actually seeing her, not just stuck reliving a memory.
"Just please don't try and be a hero, Sil." His voice was far away, but something about it sounded off. It felt wrong to hear that from him and she couldn't place why. As she was starting to fully wake up, one last thought rang through her mind.
That's funny, the only one who calls me Sil is Clarisse...
Silena shot up in bed, automatically clamping her hands over her month so she didn't call out. Her heart was racing and she could feel herself trembling as her dreams caught up with her. Tears gathered in her eyes. She carefully took her hands away from her mouth and replaced them with a pillow to stifle the sobs she knew would be coming.
No one in her cabin could know about this. It wasn't that they weren't used to hearing crying in the middle of the night. Every demigod had nightmares. It was a common enough occurrence that many unspoken rules had developed. It depended on the cabin, but usually someone knew what to do.
This was different though. Her siblings couldn't know about this. How could she explain what was wrong without revealing everything? What was she supposed to tell them? They would ask. They always did. Even if it was for her well-being, someone would ask what was wrong and what could they do to help and she wouldn't be able to tell them anything.
Honestly it was okay with her, she didn't deserve their comfort anyways. She couldn't stand the idea of her siblings who loved her and looked up to her comforting her over being a spy. Over being the reason the Titan Army was doing so well. She couldn't bare to think about all the ways she was actively working against them.
If I were just stronger or braver or something. I could leave, I wouldn't even have to be a hero, I could just help out.
Tears rolled down her face, leaving a tingling sensation behind them. It wasn't the burning from her dream, but it was close enough to send a new wave of panic over her.
She couldn't breathe. She pillow probably wasn't helping, but her siblings couldn't know. They couldn't.
Maybe if I die in battle, they never will....Who am I kidding, Luke will tell them. Maybe he'll tell them anyway now that he's seen my loyalty shifting.
Her brain became filled with an endless string of anxious thoughts. Only stopping to replay the words from her dream.
Don't let her be a hero. If she tries, then she will not live through the war.
Silena knew the phrase well, it haunted her every time she tired to sleep. Although now it had a whole new meaning. A new sense of certainty attached to it.
She will not live through the war.
Most of the time she heard the phrase in Luke's voice. In the soft, scared tone he had used. Now the voice felt colder. It still sounded like Luke, but there was a sense of evil attached to it.
She sobbed harder into the pillow. The occasional tears dripped onto her arms or chest or legs leaving the same tingly feeling behind. It made her want to cry more. She couldn't get herself to breathe more than short gasps. And she felt too dizzy to ever consider standing. She was stuck in place. Just like her dream.
Except this was not something she could wake up from. Someone shifted in the bunk next to Silena's. She stopped breathing for a second. Thankfully they didn't stir again, but it made her realize how loud she was being. Normally she was able to calm herself down after a bit of crying. But this dream was worse than any she'd had before.
I have to leave. Where do I go? Clarisse. She'll understand.
Silena carefully stood up on her shaky legs. As soon as she felt like she could stand without falling over she walked as quickly as possible to the door. She went on night-time walks often enough, (sometimes to find Clarisse, most of the time just to clear her head). Her siblings had stopped asking questions about it. She'd be fine.
Her feet automatically took her in the direction of Ares cabin. Truly she felt awful going to see Clarisse as well. Especially after Clarisse had finally confessed her feelings to her. Maybe that's why Silena hadn't said anything sooner. The only thing that made her feel better was the conversation they had had a couple of days ago.
They had snuck away from everyone and were watching the sunset together by the lake. Silena had been trying to prompt Clarisse to open up about what was bothering her.
"Just tell me what you're thinking about," she had said with her best encouraging smile, "It helps, I promise."
Clarisse sighed, keeping her eyes on the sky for a long time before finally opening her mouth, "Sometimes I feel bad...." She trailed off like she was unsure how to continue the statement.
"Good start. About what?"
"You."
Silena tilted her head in confusion. That had not been what she was expecting to hear.
"Loving you," Clarisse clarified.
"Because I'm not a guy?" It was the only reason Silena could think of.
"A little bit yes, but that's not- there's another reason," Clarisse went quiet again for a while after that, like she was collecting her thoughts. And Silena waited, she'd wait as long as Clarisse needed her to.
"It's just... you're such a perfect daughter of Aphrodite and I-I'm afraid of hurting you? I guess?" She stopped again and took a breath, "I don't know how to love, and you're so good at it....I don't want to ruin you....does that make sense?"
Clarisse looked terrified, she probably was. Silena knew showing weakness scared her more than any monster. But, it did make sense. A lot of sense actually.
She nodded carefully, "You can't ruin me, I promise you."
I'm ruined enough already.
"My dad's Ares, Sil. He's the god of war, bloody war to be specific. My hands are quite literally blood-stained. I...I don't know if I can be anything else." Silena caught the hint of bitterness in her tone as she talked.
"You think I didn't realize that? I know who you are and I fell in love with you anyways. Besides...love and war go hand in hand." The last bit sounded hollow to her, it wasn't what she was really thinking. But it seemed to make Clarisse feel better. Her face softened and she let Silena pull her into a hug. Silena couldn't let herself enjoy it though, not with what she had almost said running through her brain.
Don't worry, no hands are too stained to hold a traitor.