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the first petal happened on a thursday. i was in class when i felt a tickle in my throat. i started coughing. jisung looked over at me.
"min, are you okay?" he asked softly.
"yeah. i'm fine."
i wasn't.
i ran into the hallway as another fit of coughing hit me. a yellow sunflower petal fell to the floor.
i picked it up. it was slick with spit.
i couldn't breathe. there was no way this could be happening. hanahaki isn't real.
"minho? are you okay?" jisung's voice sounded behind me. "what are you holding?"
i forced a smile. "nothing. it's fine."
jisung still looked worried, but didnt question me further.
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over the next week, coughing fits became more common. i was also getting better at hiding the petals. coughing into my hand, hiding them in my pocket, throwing them away.
my friends didn't notice. or, if they did, they didn't mention it.
i knew it was jisung. he's been my best friend since forever. i should've known it wouldn't stay platonic, at least not for me. plus the fact that his favorite flowers are sunflowers. of course they are, ever since we went to that sunflower field last fall. jisung looked beautiful that day. he looks beautiful every day.
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jisung noticed by now. he's smart enough to make the connection between the coughing and the flower petals. he didn't know it was him.
"minho, we need to talk." he said to me one day. "i know you have hanahaki."
"how did you find out?"
"really? you're coughing all the time and i've seen you throwing away flower petals. i'm not going to ask who it is. i just want to help you, min."
it's you! i wanted to scream. it's you! i love you!
i didn't. i couldn't tell him.
"jisung- i'm sorry. i can't tell you." i whisper as another flower blooms in my lungs. "i'm sorry."
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he takes me out for coffee. we sit in silence. it's not uncomfortable, but heavy.
"i'm sorry." i whispered again.
"min, don't be sorry. we can fix this." jisung tells me.
we can't. that's not how it works and i'm okay with that.
we finish our coffee and leave. we walk through the park. it's a beautiful day. or it would be if there wasn't a giant cloud of doom hanging over my head.
there's a sunflower growing on the side of the path. it's just a bitter reminder of what's happening to me.
another fit of coughing hits me. jisung helps me to a bench. he cleans up the petals.
"it's okay. you're fine."
i'm not. it's not okay. i'm not fine. but we can pretend. pretend for a few precious minutes that it's fine.
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we walk to my apartment. jisung hugs me at the door.
"minho... whatever happens, i'm here for you. you know that, right?"
"i know."
i just couldn't tell him.
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i wake up coughing. again. i hate this. everything hurts. i think about staying in bed, but i can't.
by the time i get to the front door, i've gone through precisely four coughing fits. sunflower petals litter the floor.
on my doorstep is a bouquet of flowers with a note. a bouquet of cosmos. only one person knows my favorite flower.
i pick up the note. it's from jisung. of course it is. i open it.
dear minho,
i'm sorry i didn't tell you earlier. i know you're dying and this might be a bad idea. again, i'm sorry. i love you. this was probably a bad time to tell you because i know you're dying and you probably don't like me back. i had to tell you. i'm sorry. i've loved you since the day we went to that sunflower field together. you probably don't remember. you looked so pretty when you were standing in the sun. i should've told tou earlier, before you started dying for someone else. i know it's not me. i just want you to know that i love you, lee minho.
-Jisung
i stared at that note for a while. because i do love him. i do remember that day.
i started coughing again. it was worse this time.
i stumbled to the kitchen, petals falling from my mouth onto the floor.
i slid down the side of the sink, weak and still coughing up flowers. i fumble for my phone. i open jisung's contact. i start typing, the pain in my chest almost unbearable, sunflowers overflowing. jisung i do love you.
i don't know if i hit send. it's too late anyway.
i hope he knows i love him.