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Ted almost fell asleep when he heard the soft footsteps approaching the bed.
He did not hear the door open, but that was not surprising. All of the doors' hinges at Huxley's house were greased carefully weekly.
Maybe it was more accurate to say that Ted heard the person who entered his room come across one of his toys and stumbled, almost falling on the floor. That was enough to tell him who it was.
His twin brother was always less… weight-balanced. Felix tended to trip, slip or run into things more than Ted. In the dark, it was happened even more. Felix's night sight, just like his regular sight, was weaker than Ted's.
The noise was enough to wake the younger twin up. For a moment, he expected his older brother to scold him about not putting away his toys before going to sleep, complaining about how messy Ted is. But he did not hear even a grunt. Just the little, hesitant steps getting closer.
Ted did not move, lying on his bed quietly. He thought he knew what was happening. It was not the first time Felix came to his room in the middle of the night. This was not a surprise at itself.
It was the fact that Ted did not expect Felix to come, not after today.
Ted still felt the mixed emotions of pride and guilt. He managed to trick Felix this morning. Make him be sent to the vile institution, as Felix called it when they heard about it first, while he, simple-minded Teddy, was sent to the academy.
It was exciting and overwhelming. Ted had to admit to himself that it might be that Felix suits the academy better than him. There were so many lessons, and teachers, and politics. Ted felt like he was getting lost in all the information and requirements that were thrown at him.
In their previous kindergarten, Felix was in the smart class, Ted was in the regular class. The stupid class, as Felix loved to call it. When Ted sat in the limousine at the end of the day, he wondered if their father was right about this decision to split the twins up. Maybe Ted is not smart enough, good enough.
Felix did not speak with him when he was returned home by one of the company's choppers, beaten, with a huge bandage around his head and one squint eye.
Ted was shocked when he saw him first; he did not mean to make Felix get hurt. Not that much.
Sure, Ted wanted Felix to get humiliated, to taste for the first time how Ted used to feel all the time. But he did not mean to make Felix get injured like that. Ted did not know what to say. The self-gloating, teasing words he planned to say perish on his lips.
Felix maintained complete silence until dinner time. It was one of the rare times they were allowed to eat with their father. It used to happen in social events that Mr. Huxley decided to create. Sometimes, it was just pure boredom. Then he usually tested the twins about something – all that was on his mind at the moment, or he just sat there and let his sons compete and fight for his attention.
This time it was a social event. Mr. Huxley announced that because Felix succeeded with his escape mission, both of his children will be sent to the academy.
Ted could feel the joy that beamed from his stomach and chest, spread all over his cheeks and wide smile. He proved his worth to their father, father finally believed in him.
And when his worthiness was clear, he did not mind that Felix would get a chance too.
The truth was that he was glad to be with Felix again. He missed him throughout this day.
Felix was always there, commanding him and sending him to do some tasks. Without him, Ted had to remind himself of every little step. It was exhausting.
But when he sneaked a look at his twin brother, some of the joy which filled his chest faded away.
Felix sat next to him. The cumbersome bandage that was around his head had changed to an adhesive bandage on the side of his forehead, above the affected eye. The clean skin, after a shower, just emphasized the purple-blueish shade instead of the porcelain shade like the rest of Felix's body was. Or at least as it used to be. It also emphasized the swelling of those parts on his face.
Felix always was strict about his own appearance. He was strict about Ted's appearance as well. He used to demand Ted to straighten every wrinkle in his clothes before they stepped into their kindergarten’s front yard, to keep his posture upright.
Felix's posture while he sat at the dinner table was his regular, impeccable upright posture. But Ted believed that Felix loathed his appearance at this moment. Injuries were a sign of weakness, of losing. And Felix hated to be weak, to lose, especially for Teddy.
And then… Ted's stomach swirls from the memory, the events that happened a few hours earlier.
Felix was not happy about their father's announcement. And he did not hide it. He's tried to complain, to claim that Teddy does not deserve to be in the academy. That it's Teddy's fault he is injured and might never heal completely.
Mr. Huxley's voice was cold and precise as he responded to Ted's older brother's arguments. The tone Ted knew a long time ago. The tone he never thought their father would use for his firstborn, successful son.
But Felix was not successful anymore. By Ted's act in the morning, he managed to pull the carpet under Felix's feet and make his rival fall on his butt.
Mr. Huxley said that Felix's injuries occurred because of Felix's stupidity. That he might proved that he is not a total waste, but he needs to continue working hard to keep proving it.
After that, he said that if Felix continued to revolt, he could give him more injuries to cry about.
At this moment, Ted wiped his mouth with his napkin and asked if he could get off the table. He knew what was going to happen; he felt his heart racing. He did not want to see it.
It was not the first time their father had hit Felix. He used to hit Ted when he thought that was needed, too. Both of the twins already knew that corporal punishment is education. But Ted did not want to get educated by watching.
Mr. Huxley waved his hand impatiently, already too focused on his other son to care about Ted.
It always was like that. It seems like Mr. Huxley could never pay attention to both of his sons at the same time. He focused on only one, whether it was positive or negative attention. One twin was in the spotlight, and the other faded into the background.
Ted runs to his room before he could get a chance to hear his father's shouts or his brother's weeps. Felix tended to get his punishments quietly, almost in a formal way. But there was always a chance. Chance that Ted didn't want to hear or think about.
The rest of the evening was quiet. Ted managed to distract himself to the point he almost forgot what happened at dinner. After the bubble bath and warm cup of hot chocolate, he was even happy before he got into bed.
Tomorrow is a new day, another day at the academy. It's sad that he could not see his previous friends, but he has new opportunities! He must continue to prove himself to his father. Father was not the kind of person who relents easily.
Ted curled up under his blanket, one of his plushies huddled under his arm. His eyes already closed, his mind becomes peaceful and blurry as the sleep draws him in.
And then Felix tripped on the toys Ted forgot to put in place before he went to bed.
Ted could feel his brother's weight while the latter was trying to climb onto the mattress. Felix did not say a word, and neither did Ted. At this point, he knew it is better to pretend he still sleeps. As long as he wants Felix to stay, to not bristle like some hedgehog.
Felix would never admit about those nights. Felix would never admit he needs Teddy, even when he pushed his plushies away so he could lie down next to him.
Ted lay in the dark, his back turned to his twin brother. He could feel his blanket move while Felix struggled to get some of it to himself.
Felix tended to feel cold more than Ted. Sleeping a whole night without any cover will make him chilled tomorrow.
Even if Ted planned to pretend he was sleeping, he gave up and lifted the blanket to enable his brother to get under it.
Felix froze; he thought his brother was asleep, that he did not notice he had come. For a moment, Ted knew Felix was floundering if he needed to return to his own room. But the danger of getting caught in the hall passed in both of the twins' minds. They were not allowed to get out of their bed after lights-out time, of course not to leave their room. Not to take a glass of water, not for the bathroom, no reason in the world was a justification in Mr. Huxley's eyes. Felix already took the risk when he came to Ted's room. And after dinner – and what happened after, even if Ted did not want to think about it – he can't get on their father's bad side again.
"Just getting under it." Even if Ted whispered in the quiet room, his voice felt like it resonated.
Felix obeyed. Ted can feel his brother's body pressed to his.
Felix whispered back with the critical tone he used to talk to Ted. But Ted can hear the fake layer. "My, Teddy. Do you really have all those stupid bears with you?"
The bed became dense, but Ted did not mean to get rid of his plushies. "We have enough space." His voice was quiet. He tried to please Felix. "Do you want us to sleep head to toe?"
"I want you to shut up and let me sleep, Teddy." Felix blew in response. But the arrogant tone did not work properly; there was some fragility that both of them were aware of, and did not talk about.
Ted did not answer and just moved aside a little to enable Felix to have as much space for himself.
But he could feel that Felix moved pursuant to him.
Ted was not surprised. Felix was always like that in those times. He talked like Ted was the one who came to his room, that Ted was the one who did not want to be alone. But his acts were different. He was clinging to Ted and holding on to him.
This night was the same.
Ted just wrapped his arms around his twin's shivering body and tried to ignore the feeling that went up from his stomach to his chest. That feeling that always came with guilt, fear of himself.
And this time, there were other emotions: a feeling of power that scared him as much as it excited him.
He is the one who made Felix that way this time. It is because of him. He can affect Felix to the point of making him come to him for comfort.
He should not. He should care about Felix. He should help him. He should not hurt him. But the feeling of power was dizzying. What else could he do? To Felix? To anyone else?
Felix's words made his blood froze. It was like he read his thoughts. "It is your fault."
Ted did not speak, his breaths were not heard as he waited for his twin brother to continue.
Felix's voice was small and trembling. "The way I am now. It is because of you, Teddy."
Ted could feel Felix's fingers tightening around the front of his pajama shirt. But it was a grip of proximity, trying to get closer.
Ted looked at his brother. It was hard to see in the dark, but his eyes got used to it relatively quickly. He could not see any difference between the previous injuries. But Ted knows their father. Even if Felix's face remained unmarked, it does not mean it is the same in places other people could not see. Ted did not know how Father decided to punish Felix, what kind of bruises were hidden under his pajamas.
He could not see if Felix looked at him with two of his eyes or if his right eye, which was almost closed due to blood vessels bursting under the skin, still squinted inward.
Felix confirmed Ted's doubts in some ways.
"Father's medical staff said it's too early to know, but the damage might be permanent, I might be half-blind because of you, Teddy." Felix's voice cracked at the end, his fingers just holding on to his twin brother's shirt even tighter.
Ted kept one arm around his brother's body, the other one gently caressing Felix's back. "I know."
Felix continued with a hoarse voice. "I might have a huge scar on my face as well. It's because of you, Teddy."
Ted kept caressing Felix's back; his voice was soft. "I know."
"You will pay for it, Teddy. I swear you will pay for it. I won't let you get away with this." Felix talked; a certain determination was added to the trembling tone.
Ted nods slowly as he keeps moving his hand in soothing movements up and down his brother's back. "I know."
Felix promised, and Ted knew Felix meant it. But he was not sure Felix could actually do something, as much as he would want to. Not after today. It was a weird feeling. Understanding that Felix's threats might be only words. That power he had against Ted is no more.
Felix understood it by himself. Maybe he understood it before Ted. He usually had a faster perception. Because he talked again. "I hate you, Teddy. I will always hate you. I will never forgive you."
The words were painful, hitting right in Ted's chest. But after them, Felix just tightened his bruised face into Ted's chest.
Ted hugged Felix closer, his lips expressing those two words one more time. "I know."
Felix wept, in broken breaths and shaking shoulders. Felix's cries were always weird to hear or look at. Not just because they were so rare. Felix avoided showing any kind of emotion. Emotions were for stupid children like Teddy, not for the next CEO of Applesoft. But it was not the only reason Felix's cries were weird. It was the way they were done: disjointed and confused, like his brain did not know how to operate the instructions. It was like his body did not know what to do.
But Ted knew. He kept his voice quiet and soft, he tried to make the situation as much less embarrassing for Felix. "Breath, Felix. Okay?"
Felix's fragmental exhalations changed to a small trembling breath. That was good.
Ted nodded encouragingly before he realized that Felix probably couldn't see it. "Just keep breathing." He whispered again when his brother's crying hiccups were heard again in the quiet room.
Ted kept hugging his twin brother. He did not talk except for the soft reminders for Felix to breathe. He knew Felix did not want him to talk. Felix never wanted to talk in his fragile moments.
So Ted just hugged him closely and stroked his back at a steady pace while he felt his own body getting relaxed.
Because that was the real issue. Ted needed those nights as much as Felix needed them, if not even more.
Because on those nights Felix was close, Felix was there, Felix showed that he needed Ted in his life.
On the days they were rivals, standing shoulder to shoulder, upright and tense. Suspicious eyes peering out of the corner at the other twin, ready for every act of betrayal. Just this morning, Ted acted to thwart Felix.
But then there were Felix's bad nights. Sometimes it was a nightmare, sometimes it was a bad grade, which mostly led to punishment by their father. Sometimes it was something else that made Mr. Huxley to get mad.
Felix's bad nights became Ted's good nights. Because then Felix asked for comfort, Felix came closer.
It made him a bad brother. He was a bad brother. The familiar, unpleasing thought crossed Ted's mind while he kept gently caressed the back of weeping Felix.
All the other children thought Ted was a good, caring brother. But it was a lie, a facade. What kind of good, caring brother is happy about his brother's misery? What kind of good brother is waiting for his brother to suffer? Because Ted always waited for it. Every time that Felix came to him, shaking from a nightmare or wounded from punishment from their father, Ted could not control the joy that filled his heart, the feeling of relief that washed over him.
While he comforted Felix and hugged him, he couldn't stop the little hope that Felix would not calm down. When Felix calmed down, he became cold and distant again. As long as Felix was upset or miserable, he needed Ted. And Ted needed Felix. Ted always needed Felix.
As long as Felix was unhappy, Ted was happy. And that was sick. Ted was sick. He knew that.
The other children whispered about how Felix is cruel to Ted, who always behaves so nicely, gently. Cruel Felix and nice Ted. But Ted knows the truth that even Felix did not. He was the cruel one. He was cruel just at this moment, as he hugged his brother. His brother, who has been severely hurt because of him. His brother, who might never heal completely from this incident. Not incident, intention. Ted switched the clothes with full clarity and a conscious goal. It was his fault that Felix got hurt. It was his fault that Felix was punished by their father. It was his fault that as much as his twin's strange and disjointed sobbing shrank his heart, it was expanding it at the same time. Because Felix needed him right now. Ted was useful to him right now. He had the chance to be with Felix; he had the chance to have close moments with him. And he wanted it more than anything. Maybe even more than their father's approval.
The thought came up from the darkest place of his mind, the place that hated and was angry and wanted revenge. A place that Ted tried to silence and ignore. He did not like that part of himself. But he could not resist the greedy wondering. After his act today, he became the favorite in some ways. By that, Felix was in pain. When Felix was in pain, he came for comfort. Felix needed Ted when he was in pain. If Felix continued to be miserable, he would stay close to Ted.
If Ted kept acting like today, he would get both of his desperate wishes: Felix would stay close to him. Father would be proud of him.
It was an awful thought. Ted should not have a thought like that. His heart was beating wildly. He could hear it in the big, silent room.
Felix was quiet right now. He had been quiet for a couple of minutes by now. His clenched fingers around Ted's pajama shirt loosened slightly. His body was less stiff, almost relaxed. But Felix was never completely calm, even while he slept.
Ted did not move away from his sleeping brother, even when the dampness that had begun to spread across his shirt indicated that Felix drooled at him in his sleep, like he tended to.
The younger twin kept his arms wrapped in a hug around his sleeping brother and tried not to mourn about what was going to end.
He already knew, from all the previous nights. In the morning, Felix will not say even a single word to him. Felix will not even look at his eyes. He will avoid him completely, like nothing had happened in the night. Like he did not spend all of it in Ted's arms.
Ted did not know if he was angry about it, if he was offended by that recurring case. What he knew was that he needed to cherish this night, just like he did about the other nights. He needed to center on this moment, when Felix is close to him.
Because it was a temporary moment that might never happen again. He never knew when it would happen again. And that is why Ted wanted those nights. Because only then could he get close. Only then he could have a brother.