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The last pages of her book had her glued to her seat. Its ending caught her off guard. For the first time in a long time, Athena hadn’t been able to predict how the crime would be solved—a seemingly irrelevant detail happened to be crucial, and the story took an unexpected turn at the end.
It had been nice to feel so immersed in the story. She had found herself occasionally gasping while she read, her eyes wide, as the mystery was revealed. Contrary to what almost everyone around her believed, she loved being taken by surprise, even proved wrong and seeing the unexpected happen. Although maybe only when it came to fiction.
With a contented smile, Athena closed her book and left it on the coffee table. She curled back on the couch, all cozy and comfortable, until she made the mistake of looking at the clock on the wall.
She cursed under her breath. She had been so absorbed by the story that she had forgotten about everything around her, and now she was running late to get lunch ready.
Samuel and Beatrice were coming to spend Christmas in LA, and if Athena wanted to avoid her mother’s sharp remarks, everything had to be perfect. Or at the very least ready on time.
Taking a deep breath, Athena stepped into the kitchen and took a moment with her eyes closed by the counter. She had asked May to bring some groceries on her way, and should be arriving at any moment. So when Athena opened the fridge, she was greeted by the almost empty shelves, with some fruits and veggies that had seen better days scattered around, some takeout leftovers, and two big trays that would be saving the day.
The previous evening, Hen and Karen had come around, unannounced, their hands full with three trays and bags of containers, probably carrying between the two enough food to feed both families for a few days. Athena barely had a second to take in the scene at her doorstep when they had already slipped past her, straight into the kitchen, talking one over the other.
All Karen said as a way of explanation while placing the containers on the counter was that she had been cooking so much because “the festive spirit had taken over her”. When Athena raised an eyebrow, Karen was quick to add, “You have been working so many extra shifts lately, and your parents have told you they’re visiting just two days in advance; you deserve a helping hand”.
“And if Beatrice doesn’t like the food, you can always blame my wife’s cooking skills,” Hen said casually. One of the plastic bags Karen was folding landed on her back just a second later.
Although Athena appreciated the offer, the care and attentiveness of her friends, she felt she couldn’t take it all. It was too much. More food than they needed, more help than she was ready to accept. So after some negotiation, they settled on leaving two of the roast trays and half of the cookie containers—only because they were Harry’s favorite Christmas cookies, Karen’s secret recipe that she had only shared once with Bobby.
After placing one of the trays in the oven, Athena was setting a timer when her phone chimed and the screen lit up with a message from Harry: “Flight delayed 30 min,” and then another, “Not ready to listen to grandma listing all the ways shes bout to sue the airline.”
Despite herself, Athena chuckled imagining the scene, but she had to admit Harry had a point—even if the visit had been her idea, Beatrice had never liked flying, and a delay would not help keeping her in a good mood.
As soon as she got the news, Athena told the kids their grandparents would be visiting, and Harry had offered to go to the airport to pick them up. Whether it was selflessly and out of love for his family or because he took any and every chance he could to drive around, he would never confirm. Although he was probably regretting his choice now.
“Pray no luggage gets lost,” she typed, hoping the delay was the only problem with the flight for her son’s sake.
With a smile still on her lips, she typed a new message in another chat: “I think Harry won’t ask to take your truck in a while, babe.”
The moment she hit send, her face dropped.
Bobby would never see this message. He would never send a reply.
She would not be able to talk to him ever again.
She knew it. She knew he was gone. She had seen the moment it happened with her own two eyes, unable to do anything to stop it or ease his pain. She had buried him. For eight months she had faced this loss.
It wasn’t the first time she was going on with her day only to be suddenly hit with the reality of his absence. And she was certain it wouldn’t be the last. But the realization still hurt like the first day.
A few moments passed while she stared blankly at the screen until it turned off automatically. She was breathing deeply, slowly, trying with all her might not to let her grief take over again, not when her family would be gathered home soon. But then, as she was setting her phone on the counter, her eyes dwelled on her left hand. The same hand where she used to wear her engagement and wedding rings.
At first, she hadn’t considered taking them off, she was so used to feeling them in her hand for years. But after Bobby’s burial in Minnesota, everything changed.
Every glimpse of her wedding ring, polished and shiny on her finger as if he had just put it there, became a painful reminder of everything she lost. Of the future they were building together and would never come to be.
Every time the diamond caught the light, she couldn’t stop the stream of memories that flooded her mind. Bobby on one knee, his smile so wide and brilliant it could outshine any jewel. The warmth of his hand around hers when he put the ring on her finger. The moment he said in a trembling voice that ring was a promise to her and the family they were building.
That was their first Christmas Eve together. Now she was about to face her first without him.
She felt a droplet on the back of her hand. A sudden sob echoed in the kitchen. Athena didn’t know when she had started crying or how long she had stood there staring at her hand.
Her tears continued falling like rainfall while she stayed there, frozen, staring at her hand clenched in a fist. She focused on controlling her breathing, but when she attempted to inhale slowly, a loud sob broke out instead.
She dropped to sit on the floor, her back against the cupboard, burying her face in her knees to muffle her cries, maybe hoping that would keep the pain at bay. But the sorrow still sat in her chest, almost burning her from the inside, and her tears continued to flow, soaking her clothes.
Bobby was gone. He had left her. The one thing he had promised he would never do.
Athena would never forget the first time he made that promise. And how she had believed him wholeheartedly.
The house would be a chaos of laughter, questions, people and presents and food in just a few hours. They couldn’t wait to share their joy with their loved ones, but for a while yet, it would be just the two of them, sharing lazy kisses and soft touches in the dark while whispering sweet loving words to each other and marveling at the turn their relationship had taken. Their little Christmas miracle.
“Never thought I would do this again,” Athena whispered, her eyes fixed for the thousandth time on her ring. “Definitely not with a fellow first responder.”
She knew Bobby wouldn’t have any idea what she was truly referring to. As much as she trusted him, and even though she knew he would show her nothing but empathy and understanding, she was not ready to share that part of her past. After all these years, she still couldn’t bring herself to talk about her first love and the biggest loss she had ever experienced.
“Any complaints, Sergeant?”
That made her chuckle, but Bobby, always observant and able to read her like nobody else, noticed the worry in her eyes. He continued tracing slow patterns on her naked back, a gentle, reassuring touch that kept her mind from drifting too far into darker memories.
“I’m aware of the risks of our jobs. We both are, after all we’ve gone through. Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions to keep people’s lives safe, to protect our teams and colleagues.” Bobby took a deep breath, carefully pondering his next words. “But, I will always, always do everything I can to come back home to you”
“Do you promise?”
It sounded naive to her own ears. At this point in their lives they knew better than to expect promises of such kind. And yet, there was only one thing he could say to that.
“I promise. I am not going anywhere, ‘Thena. No matter what happens, I will always fight to come back to you. To our family.”
There was this look in his eyes, so determined and fierce, so certain. He took her hand that was resting on his chest and softly kissed her knuckles and then her ring, sealing that promise.
And she had allowed herself to believe. Against all reason and experience, she had trusted and believed.
And lost everything in the way.
Still on the floor, Athena raised her head just enough to look at her hand again. She wished she could feel his warmth, his lips on her skin again. Or to hear his voice. That same voice that made her another promise after their wedding. As if he hadn’t promised her enough already. And this time, his wasn’t the only promise shared between them.
The excitement of the day had finally caught up with May and Harry, and they had dragged their feet to their rooms, leaving Bobby and Athena on the couch, ready to fight sleep for a while longer to enjoy some time alone.
Bobby had spent the last few minutes mesmerized, looking at their joined hands on his thigh. His smile, all dimples and boyish wonder, was contagious, and Athena couldn’t stop herself from smiling too. He didn’t seem to notice her eyes on him, so with her free hand, Athena tenderly combed his hair to get his attention.
“I fear if I look away it will disappear, and I’ll realize none of this happened, you know?”
“It’s real, babe, we are married now.” Athena bent forward to leave a quick kiss on his lips. “My husband”
“Like the ring of it. Your husband.”
Bobby’s eyes were full of joy, and love and awe, as if the most extraordinary scene was unfolding before him. But behind all those emotions, Athena could see there was something in his mind he wasn’t really sharing. For a moment she considered asking him directly, but in the time they had shared as a couple, she had learned it wasn’t always the best approach. Sometimes he just needed a moment to process his thoughts, and would come to her when he was ready. So, she waited.
A calm silence fell over them. Athena laid her head on his shoulder, her thumb brushing softly the inside of his wrist. Bobby continued looking at their joined hands, still deep in thought.
“You know that ‘till death do us part’ thing?” he asked in a low voice.
She raised her head to look at him with a teasing smile. “Not what I expected you to be thinking about on our wedding night, if I’m honest…”
Bobby chuckled. “Fair enough…” She squeezed his hand then, her eyes fixed on his, encouraging him to continue. “It’s just… I know you will never leave me, I will carry you with me even to the afterlife.”
Just as the words left his mouth, he closed his eyes. “It sounded better in my head, I promise I don’t mean it like that.” Bobby let out a heavy, frustrated sigh.
“You sure about that? Should I file a report?” Athena tried to use her ‘scary cop voice,’ as May and Harry called it, but it wasn’t as effective when she was trying to hold her laugh. At least it seemed to ease some tension.
“Let me try that again. Hope I won’t make it worse and end up in jail on our wedding night.” Bobby raised his free hand in mock surrender, smiling. Biting back a laugh, Athena turned to sit facing him.
“I’m not the same man I was when I came to LA. I had a clear idea of what my future would be like. For the longest time I kept everyone at arm’s length, and even when I started to let people in, there was this weight over me that wouldn’t let me move forward. But then you came into my life and saw beyond it all. You saw the broken parts of me, all my mistakes, and still found something worth saving. Something maybe worth loving.”
His voice trembled at that moment, and Bobby took a deep breath to steady himself. Athena only continued holding his hand, listening.
“I won’t say I’m a completely different person or that my past vanished or that I don’t struggle at times. But I’ve changed. And grown. Because of you, ‘Thena. Your love is shaping me into the man I am becoming. It’s a part of me now. You are a part of me now. It’s… it’s in my soul, something I will carry with me even after death into the afterlife.”
Athena cupped his face, and for a moment, Bobby seemed to melt into her palm. How he could still remain so gentle and kind even after everything he had gone through, would never cease to amaze her. How he could still try to move forward while carrying the weight of the most painful loss over his shoulders.
But there was one thing he never addressed. And to Athena, it was just as important, or perhaps more.
“You say that as if you hadn’t done anything, as if you didn’t fight every day to achieve all that. You talk about how you’ve changed, but you never allow yourself to see how you’ve changed those around you. How you’ve changed me.”
She knew Bobby sometimes still struggled accepting there was so much good in him, and just as she expected, he lowered his head at hearing her words. But Athena held his chin up, making sure he was looking at her while she continued.
“With you I’m discovering a new side of me I never knew existed. You see me when nobody else does. Like nobody else ever has. For the first time I can be vulnerable, let my guard down, because I know you will be there to get me if I fall, no judgment, no shame. You have been patient so I could let you in at my own pace, into my life, into my family, and you have become a part of me too. A part I can’t imagine my life without, Bobby.”
He rested his forehead against hers and replied in a low voice. “And you won’t have to. As I said, nothing will ever separate us, you are a part of me now.”
“Just like you will always be part of me too.” Bobby smiled at her words, relieved that she understood and felt the same. “I love you, husband.”
“I love you, wife.”
But despite everything, death had truly made them part. All those promises, now empty and unfulfilled.
What now felt like a part of her was the pain. The ache that never seemed to fully leave her. The weight that sat on her chest and didn’t even let her breathe when all she wanted to do was to scream herself hoarse. The loneliness that hit her every time she turned and all she found was his absence.
Since that day in the lab, Athena had tried not to linger on memories or promises. She had tried to move on the only way she knew how—throwing herself into her job, where the shadow of his loss didn’t reach as far, and burying her pain and her grief so deep down nobody could see it. As if the years she spent with Bobby were some secret to be hidden. Just like she had done at the beginning of their relationship, she thought bitterly.
She touched her naked finger again, and for the first time she stopped to consider how, in that effort to move on, she was trying to erase a part of her too, that part of him that remained within her.
That part of him that was still alive and she could still gather strength from. From the memory of his smile, of his kind words and gentle touches, of his care and all the ways he had shown her she was loved, valued for who she was beyond duty or expectations.
That part of him she couldn’t continue avoiding if she wanted to move forward. She didn’t know how, she didn’t know if she was ready, but she would have to stop hiding. From the memories, from the pain, from her family.
When Athena tried to draw another deep breath, her chest felt lighter, her throat didn’t burn as badly. Tears no longer rolled down her cheeks. And at that moment, she made a choice.
Wiping the wet lines on her face with her hand, Athena got up and strode to her bedroom. A new sense of calm came over her, and she walked with determination, knowing exactly what she needed to do.
She drew from her dresser a small box, one nobody else knew about, and carefully left it on the bed. She touched a trembling hand to the lid, where a single word was written. “Bobby”.
In all these months, she hadn’t opened it a single time. And now, even though she knew she wanted to take this step, she still wasn’t sure she was ready for it.
Taking a deep breath, she opened it. At first, she kept her gaze up, fixed on the wall before her. All the items she couldn’t bear to look at but couldn’t bring herself to throw away either, right there waiting for her. Her hands grabbed tightly the sides of the box before she reached in.
Neatly folded in a corner was one of his LAFD tees, the one that was unbearably soft after so many washes, so big on her that it felt like a warm hug. The one that Bobby said had been hers since the first time she wore it at his place. She let out a trembling whimper, muffled by the fabric when she brought it to her face. Somehow it still smelled like him.
She left the tee still folded on the bed, almost scared of erasing his scent from it, and then took from the box another item—his reading glasses. She remembered how at first he refused to wear them, said he didn’t need them, until the headaches became too recurrent. And then, one day, he started wearing them everywhere without objection. If that had anything to do with Athena telling him he looked incredibly handsome in them, would always remain a mystery. But for good measure, she had made sure to tease him for it.
She wondered if she had kept any photos of Bobby wearing his glasses and took from the box a small parcel filled with pictures she had printed during their time together. There was one of their wedding day, the four of them having dinner together, all smiles and joy. Athena had always loved the way Bobby looked at her in that photo and how he reached for both May and Harry to include them in the shot too. Next was a selfie she had taken with her phone at his place during one of their secret dates at the beginning of their relationship; Bobby was kissing her cheek while she laughed at something he had said just a few seconds earlier. A photo May took of him for a class project. Another one Athena had taken of Bobby with Harry in the backyard. And then there it was, a picture of Bobby wearing his glasses. He did look gorgeous in them.
Under the photos she saw the handwritten notes he always left in her lunch box. Loving words, teasing messages, silly jokes, reminders, or little surprises. The first time he did it, she told herself it would surely be a one-time thing, but with Bobby of course it became a habit, and it didn’t take her long to look forward to every single one of them.
As Athena continued taking the items from the box, she uncovered one last thing—a small cotton sachet with her rings. She emptied it on her palm, and somehow they didn’t feel as heavy as they did the last time she touched them.
She put them on her finger slowly, looking at them with teary eyes, as if it were the first time those rings sat there. They still fit perfectly. Something thawed in her chest at the feel of the metal against her skin. A deep sense of relief, of connection washed through her, because now the memories that flooded her mind ached, but for the first time, the pain didn’t diminish the joy of those moments.
However, she couldn’t linger too long in her memories. The front door opened, and the noise of heavy bags hitting the counter soon followed.
“Mom?”
May was here. Athena’s hands quickly reached to close the box on instinct, without hesitation. But just as she touched the lid, she stopped.
She didn’t have to hide. She didn’t have to carry her grief alone. She had made a choice, and now was the moment to take the first step forward.
“In here.”
As May’s footsteps approached, Athena held her breath, unsure of what her daughter’s reaction would be.
“Before you say anything, I know I brought too many things, but—” May stopped at the doorstep, taking in the scene before her. When she spoke again, her voice was filled with concern and so soft, as if trying not to scare Athena away. “Mom, what’s all this?”
Athena hesitated. How could she begin to explain the turmoil of emotions this morning had been. “He proposed six years ago today, on our first Christmas Eve together.”
Saying it out loud was easier than she had expected. And when she looked into May’s eyes and only saw softness and silent understanding, she knew she had made the right choice.
May walked closer, nodding. Of course she remembered. In fact, she had been bracing herself for this day, fearful of what it may trigger.
“I know I never talk about him if I can avoid it, but I still miss him every second of every day. This pain… It feels unbearable sometimes. More than unbearable on days like today.”
Hearing her mom making such a confession left May frozen in place.
“I’ve tried so hard to move on, to pretend everything is back to normal. Working, moving to a new house… Life has to go on, right? But no matter what I do, I feel stuck. I can’t look back, but I’m not moving forward either.”
Athena struggled to hold back her tears. This conversation was heavy enough on her daughter, she didn’t want to make it more emotional than it already was.
“You are trying your best, mom. Nothing can prepare you to face something like this.”
There’s so much May wants to say to her mom, but she fears if she stops her, she might never open up again.
“Do you want to tell me what this is?” she said, pointing to the box.
“I pushed everything that reminded me of him into a box and hid it in a closet as if he was some kind of secret I was ashamed of.”
It reminded May of what happened after Emmett, but she decided not to comment on it. She had learned this was her mom’s way to handle her emotions, her pain, most of the time, but now she was trying to open up, to share her grief, and that was what mattered.
“I know some people think what scared me the most about being with Bobby was him relapsing. But this was my biggest fear—having to live after he was gone and not being able to do anything to prevent it.”
“You did what you could to get that vaccine. And you were there with him until the last moment.” May still couldn’t imagine what it must’ve been like to witness such a scene.
“Maybe, but still I wonder if things could’ve gone differently. And I know he didn’t want to leave. I know he did what he thought was right. If I’m completely honest with myself, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have done the same. But it doesn’t make me feel any better, I’m still here, angry and hurting and alone. He promised he would never leave me, and now he’s gone.”
“He also promised you happiness, and he gave you that.”
“That he did.” Athena laughed sadly as tears started rolling down her face again. “And that’s why I can’t move on by burying my past, our past together. I already did that once. I won’t do it again.”
Now May couldn’t stop herself and went to hug her mom. Her heart ached for her, but she was also so proud that she was taking this step.
“You don’t have to carry that anger and that pain alone, mom. We are here for you. I’m glad you just told me this.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do it sooner.”
“No, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are here, doing it now. It’s not that you didn’t want to talk about him, you just couldn’t.”
“I didn’t want to burden you. Thought you were all ready to move on, and I didn’t want to stop you.”
At hearing that, May took a step backwards. Her mom had been honest with her, it was time she did the same.
“I still miss him. Every time I dial his number and hear his voicemail message, it breaks my heart. I haven’t been to that cafe we used to go to together since he died. And every time I use that cookbook he gave me for my birthday, I end up in tears reading all the notes he left in it.” May’s eyes were welling up by then, and Athena grabbed and squeezed her hand, encouraging her to continue, to let it all out. “He tried so hard from the very beginning, to be there for me whenever I needed him. He’s been a part of my life in all the ways that mattered. When he was around, I felt no matter what happened, everything would be okay. And now… I just… it sounds silly, but sometimes I just need my dad back.”
“No, it’s not silly, May. It’s not silly at all. He cared so much about you. He loved you so so much. And now you miss him. And not having the space to talk about your pain hasn’t helped, and I’m so sorry for that. But now we are going to move forward together, no more hiding when we’re hurting. We will make sure he is still with us by remembering him.”
Right then Harry’s voice boomed from the front door, along with the noise of luggage across the floor and Beatrice and Samuel’s voices telling him to be careful. Athena and May hurried to wipe their tears.
“I’ll tell you what, if you want, we can go through some of these things together.” Athena said, pointing at the box.
“I would love that.” May looked at the notes and recognized Bobby’s handwriting. “I didn’t know he left you notes, but I’m not surprised.”
“Well, I will have to filter those to make sure you don’t see anything you’re not supposed to.”
“Mom!”
“Those notes were for my eyes only, so…” May just rolled her eyes. “I’m glad we are doing this. I love you, May.”
“Me, too, mom. I love you.”
May wrapped her arms around Athena again. For the first time in months, it felt like everything could be alright.
“I’ll go greet everyone. You join us when you’re ready, okay?”
As May left the bedroom, Athena took one last look at the box and the rings now on her finger again.
“Happy anniversary, babe. This seems like another Christmas miracle. I love you so much, I can’t stop missing you, but now I know you are still here with me.”