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They have been more distant lately and I don't know why.
Scratch that, very distant, they barely even touch me anymore. They keep talking to me sure, and their behavior is smug and cocky as ever, but they move away every time I get close.
It started a few months ago and it's been gradual. Progressively pushing me more and more away. I'm starting to get scared that she's going to break up with me.
…They have been more anxious, like in general. I have never heard them apologize this much in my life.
The other day they brought me over to her place for dinner. We hadn't talked for a couple of days, maybe she was trying to apologize? They have done things like that before.
Anyway we had been eating and chatting until some of her food landed on my shirt, and y'know she has done that before to annoy me but when I looked up from my plate to frown at her their eyes were wide open and they looked so scared I got scared too. They stood up and scrambled to grab a napkin while reaching for my shirt to wipe it clean. They were muttering apologies under their breath and their hands were shaking more the closer she got to me. I told her it was fine and to leave it like that. She calmed down after that. We went back to eating and talking but they seemed more withdrawn, playing with her food to give the illusion of eating. After we finished she looked tired and asked me to leave, they told me we could hangout another day.
We did end up hanging out a couple of days later.
I didn't ask about it and they didn't bring it up either. Shit, maybe I should have brought it up. Maybe I should have brought up all the other instances where she looked panicked when they got close to me and all the times they apologized for something they usually do on purpose.
I rarely ask her if she's ok, when they look upset it's usually just melodrama, things so minor I can't do anything about or relationship drama I can't do anything but nod while she speaks and wonder why they aren't telling KK this instead.
Maybe I should ask her if she's ok more often. How often do I dismiss them before they even speak? Maybe that's why they only complain to me by accident, when they ramble and end up saying so many things. Maybe I should pay more attention to what they are saying, it's just, they keep saying the same things over and over and I think I've heard all that she has to say about those things.
On the contact thing I have taken the initiative, I've started to message first more often, she replies more at that but they leave me on read more often than I think I can handle. And every time I lean over or reach for her hand they move away. I mean it was fine when she didn't want me to kiss her anymore and I could handle them not wanting me to hug them or get too physically intimate, but when they don't even let me hold their hand in private… It hurts. I'm not someone who loves physical contact that much but it hurts.
I miss their cold hands against mine, I miss her poking at my ribs and telling me to eat more like a hypocrite, I miss when she would sneak her hands under my shirt because they knew it made me shiver, I miss being able to mess with their hair and have them complain about it, I miss being able to lean on her and eavesdrop whatever she's doing, I miss when they would lean on me. I miss when they let me be close to them.
Did I do something wrong?
Or… Did something happen to them?
Uh, if that's so I prefer it's me that fucked up something over that.
I don't want her to be hurt, that's a very scary thought. I rather take the blame for anything than for them to be hurt. I can't handle if something slipped from my hands and she got hurt for that. I CAN'T LOSE THEM.
no no NO NO. She has to be fine, there has to be something else, something else I'm missing. They can't, they can't be…
I shouldn't be crying over my keyboard.
I should talk to her. I'm going to ask her to hangout and talk to her about this.
I can't lose her.
:wq